Not much of a fur anymore, but I'm still resident here (ick). If ya'll want to contact me my email addy is graybackwolf@yahoo.com, that's all I answer anymore. I try to answer it when I can.

I have done it. I have cut out what has needed to be cut out of my life for so long. Being poly is one thing that I totally agree with. Being poly and hiding your mates from one mate is another. Darin McClellan is lying scum. He wants to get a place of his own, when I said I would provide a place for him. I see how it is. Me? Gone from the equation? OK, buddy, than so are you. Good luck you slimeball. How many mates do you really have anyway?

"I am young and energetic. I love to yiff."

Nice profile description. I said you could have others, but evidently you have fallen in love with others, otherwise why would you kick me out of the equation? Your mother says you are sick and she is going to petition you to the hospital. Quit fucking with people's heads.

I loved you for almost 1 and a half goddamn years. All I have to say for it is that I was cheated on and used. Here's a big chunk'a furry drama for ya, folks. Try and guess what slut he was with while I was busy worrying my ass off over him because his parents are too hard on him.

Yeah, I'll give him that. But he's probably going to be in a hospital in 24 hours because he took off for my group home about 30 mins ago. He'll find a load of confused staff and IR's will probably be written. Thanks for the grief, Darin. Try and save this little pathetic relationship. It never was a relationship, anyway.

You bastard. You took a year of my life from me and for what? To get your laptop taken away and your internet taken away you led me on all the way, and you found yourself falling in a bottomless pit.

I don't love you anymore Darin McClellan. I hate your guts. I'm gonna go curl up in a very VERY VEERRRRYYYY dark corner and cry for about three or four hours and go back to my group home and make a huge dent in the side of the group home van that has your name on it. God fucking EMO? Hell yeah. I was fucking suicidal last night and all he has to say for it is "horny wolf can wait till later."

Wait until Billy finds out. He'll probably want to disown me as a friend. If it is me who is unstable the concept is laughable. I'm in a state of dilarea, which is perfectly normal considering the fact that I just found out my one boyfriend doesn't love me and I cried and slaved over trying to get this fucking printer to work just so I could send him a letter that wasn't in my chicken scratch. I was on HP chat three times, those bastards, they all kicked me off and said they couldn't solve the problem. For what?

Absolutely nothing. Forget I even frickin' mentioned it.

Sorry I was so obsessive, Billy......I called you out of the blue I had no idea you were going on a date. It seems like a case of bad circomstance, bad timing.

To Darin, I present the "Congratulations, you're an idiot" and to the rest of you...just...forget he even existed.

Basement. Wireless network. Medication time. My dad is allowing me to bring my computer home on a Leave Of Absence (L. O. A.) and connect wirelessly to our network (behind my mother's back) so that I can access the internet and all of it's features. I actually feel very sorry coming to this website because of the filth I have seen on it recently (i.e. hardcore vore on the main page. Honestly folks, use a preview icon, please. I almost yaked yesterday's cheese, ham, and turkey sandwich.) I will tell you all my little story.

First off, I moved to a different group home. The mexican guy threatened my life (His name is Armando, he's a boxer, and he's around 270 pounds of muscle. He thinks he's tough shit but I filed a police report against his ass.) Nothing against mexicans. I have a few mexican friends, my brother is half mexican, and honestly I love the spanish accent.

I wrote a letter to Darin through Kanaki. I don't even know if it got to him. I frickin' wrote it in five minutes and sent it in 15. I tried to call Kakani to get the correct address, but she was very short with me. She honestly sounded pissed off that I'd even called.

I've been talking to Billy more recently. He lives about as far as my ex-girlfriend used to live, right around the flint area (you pass Fint to get to her). He's a dragon, and yes, very yiffy. I won't give away his business, since this isn't a private journal, but I will say that I've got feelings for him.

STOP

OK, here's the part where it gets complicated. Because I have been away from Darin for so long, no contact, no physical contact, not even a frickin' phone call, I've kinda lost interest. That, and besides the fact that I've decided to be poly. I'm not sure if I should stay with him. Several furs on this website already think I am an asshole for leaving him like that in the first place. I don't care. It's called the ignore feature, and I only pay atention to my friends' journals anyway. Every website has an ignore feature, and boy do I find myself using it quite often.

My views on everything have completely changed. I am now pretty much a Therian-Fur, and I've come to the stunning realization that the prince-charming scenerio just doesn't quite work, no matter how you put it. I'd say I'm not a slut, but I want to get my way around to my friends, if no fur has any objections to that? *tick tock tick tock* Thought so. If you have just started to fill out the quick reply box because you think I'm a slut fag, STFU and GTFO, seriously. I've had enough problems. I don't need pathetic little internet drama. I proved that I can live without the bulk of the internet for 10 months. IM, E-mail, IRL. IRC is bullshit. OK, here's my reasoning:

1. You sign on there as a level-headed fur looking for some friends.
2. Some channel regular tells you to STFU for talking.
3. You argue back and then they start digging up dirt on you and tell all the channel members except the n00bs.
4. Nobody in the channel talks to you.
5. You protest, get called a winy bitch, and banned from the channel.

[Repeat until banned from network]

It happens slowly for some, quickly for the ignorant ones. If you want to survive on IRC, you have to be a complete whore and yiff the channel founders until THEY give you Ops. Good luck with that one.

Then there's the fact that you whois one of your so called "IRC Friends" and find out that they are in at least 10 sexual fetish channels and you join them only to find shit like Ovipositioning and hard Vore. I talked to a biology major, and am pretty much sickenned by the explanations that person gave me as to how nasty it is inside your stomach and how bad Ovipositioning would hurt.

Pretend? It's just pretend? OK? Um...I stopped pretending a long time ago, probably when I was around SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. If your mother or father or any of your living relatives saw your logs, you'd end up like I did. Guess where?

MT. CLEMENS HENRY FORD CAMPUS - PSYCHIATRIC WARD

...or such place as applies to your location. I wasted at least three years of my life going in and out of psych wards because my sister read my chat logs and printed them out and showed them to my GRANDPARENTS.

"Oh I take every precaution. I am a techno geek."

Microsoft has software hidden in their system, no matter how strong your firewall, no matter how good your virus protection, they can fucking get a C:> prompt if they wanted to. If they wanted to, mind, which doesn't happen very often, but if your parents push the lawyers far enough, or the landlord, or one of your siblings, you could be in for a world of explanations and most likely will plant yourself right where I was.

It's the information age, furgeeks. Deal with it.

My dad taught me a very valuable lesson, and don't put anything in writing that you don't mean for others to see, and don't put anything in writing that you want to be exploited by the law.

We're all in it together, though and you all know what I mean.

So ends my little rant.

So, the point I was trying to make was that I've changed, and probably for the healthier good. will probably be at the MIFur meet at the mall next Saterday. Fatherwolf needs convincing. The family pack's about to wake up so I've got to go grab some vittles and I'm so glad I got that off my chest, even though I probably pissed off a lot of people. Sorry, if you think that perception is warped, you need counselling, because I wrote that down and showed it to my theropist last week and he thinks I've pretty much hit the nail on the head.

[cue flood of sarcastic messages]

Um...do I know you? No? Why does your opinion matter, again?

Sorry Darin, but you are tracked by your parents. There is nothing I can do. Dad says they have involved the law and if I so much as touch you, I'm fucked for at least 20 years in prison, the first day of which I will be murdered by my homophobic cell mate for being gay, and a fur.

I don't want to die, so, I think I'll stay out of it. Nothing against you. I love you to death, and you still got a peice of my heart, baby, but it isn't gonna work out.

Good luck, all of you. I love furry just as much as the next fur, but please...remember the risk. That's what I was trying to tell you. You'll end up like Darin. I talked my way out of some of it, but the truth is to my family I'm the fucked up wolf boy.

Good luck.

Love you guys (that I know).

~Gray

I am being watched and or/stalked. Dad repeated somethings on the phone today he would not have been able to get from elsewere. There is a leak, a rift of information spilling from somewhere. I think my mate's phone lines are bugged. My cell phone is also being tracked, calls made and received. Who ever is doing this needs to get a life and bug someone else.

My mate's parents are homophobic. They called me satan's child today. Or at least...his mother did right before she hung up on me. She said she will not have faggots around her son. Tell you what? Darin's breaking out of that bitch. I say no more. My FA account is also being watched.

...which I am giving to my dad in three days. I miss you all so imcredibly much, especially my beloved mate, damien/orca/mehko. I wish so badly that I could talk to you all. but I won"t be getting internet for 3 months. I've had time to.sit and think and I an certain what I did hurt a lot of people and what I did was quite possibly the stupidest thing I"ve ever done. I"ve cried so hard over it but not anymore. we"ll move on and live on. "gives his mate a kiss and everyone else.a hug*

Hello all. Yes, I am alive. Yes, I am still breathing. Things have been so hectic the last few passes home, I haven't been able to really sit down and write to you guys what's been going on.

The first thing I would like to bring to light is the number of rumors that have been circulating about me. Let me assure you that these are unfed and untrue, every single one of them. I need to let you all know that I am very displeased with the conduct of some of the members around here relating to this whole thing. I want to end this issue here and now, and I'm doing it. I'll tell you the full story, but you have to remember that this happened two months ago and there may be some discrepencies.

I was relaxing, typing as I always have done, to my love. Things were going haywire around the house (my dad cheating on my mom and me catching him red handed, watching my little neice who is currently in her terrible twos) I'd had enough. Darin isn't the only reason why I attempted that day. A friend of mine who shall remain nameless cheated on his mate and made a big scene in an IRC chatroom that shall also remain unnammed. I got so depressed that I cut myself a few times with a razor. They were really good mates. My mother was upstairs sleeping and suddenly this IM window pops up with this girl asking me if I am all right. Somehow, I'd blocked my mate from everything and (god forbid) put on 89X which was playing some pretty bad music that made me depressed more. Because of my elevated paranioa and the fact that I hadn't taken my meds properly that day, I asked her questions which she answered and soon I knew the truth about Darin and his mistress. She tried to tell me that he loved me more but I was so mindblown at that minute with all of the stress I was under I ran to the bathroom and downed 52 0.5 mg tablets of Klonopin. I told my mate I did it and he instantly called the house, waking up my mother, and I knew it was time to go upstairs. My mother called 911.

Darin, this little bit is to you. I had dreams. Dreams of the sea. Nightmares of sea monsters and some shadowy creature saving me. This was after I'd passed out in the ambulance. These visions were very strong. I knew for that moment you were deathly worried about me. I read your journals. You cried and cried. So did I. I received three 7 mg prolixin tablets over the course of 3 days because I could not stop crying. The hospital wasn't that bad, or should I say isn't, but there were moments when all I thought about was your face smiling at me bent down next to that RC car that day at the church. I heard tell from my mother that your mother told mine all about you, and my mother had some secrets to tell as well. As far as I can tell, your father will never like me.

My mother found out that I was using wireless internet. I had to make up a pretty tall tale to stifle her. She found out many things and received transcriptions of intimate yiffy conversations between me and my mate. Things I would have died before she saw. Humiliation still plays a factor today. Darin's parents hired a professional to come in and look at his laptop, and boy they found everything.

I've been in the hospital for almost three months and what I have to say for it is that next time I will go to a PROFESSIONAL when I am feeling the way I felt back then. Not my mother, not my father, my fucking PSYCHIATRIST. THEROPIST... Somebody.

I will conclude this letter by saying Darin please unblock me from your page and I will announce publically my undying love for you. Maybe you and I and this girl can work something out. I love you, I find you to be my soul mate, and your voice makes me smile and brings warmth to my heart. God bless you.

And to others, I hope this clears up any questions you had. I won't be on the computer for the next months to come, so those of you that know me well have my cell. Please do call. I need someone to talk to...especially you, Darin. We're not alone. We both need to get out of "here". Goodbye.

Yes, for lack of a better term, "A happy day" XD

Went and saw my mate at some Christian Assembly Hall today in Dearborn Heights. He is everything I wished he would be and more. He gave me a collar that I have safely locked up in my belongings. It's blue with a heart-shaped red tag and says "GREYGREY OWNER DAMIEN MY PUPPY" on it in silver letters. I went home and tried it on, I look so adorable in it ^^ Thank you so much, Angel. ^^

What he didn't know, (and probably will know now) is that I'm wearing that collar to bed every night. <3

We didn't get to spend any time alone *sigh* Little kids were all over the place. Plus, it was a church! XD I wouldn't have felt right doing that in a place of worship, even if I don't beleive in God.

Husky-buns does, so I'll respect that. I never go there with anyone, ever, and it's not like he's forcing me to go to church or anything (which he would never do.)

Right at the end of our visit I wanted to cry and hug him but his mother was sitting right in front of us. I was so frustrated. I got in the car and held onto my present in my pocket all the way home. We've been through so much before we actually got a chance to meet...

Laying my paws on him feels right, I just wish I had the courage to do it... There was one point where I touched his forehead because he was sweaty and I felt like I was going to pass out. I'm red in the face just typing that.

I can't help feeling that's not normal. --the fact that I feel lightheaded when I come in contact with anybody. I guess...it's just warming up to him. I'll do that in time. I know...

As it was put by him the instant he was able to type a message to my messenger - "My heart's on fire for you."

Ditto, sweetheart.

:)

*sigh* I'm in love, and I don't think I'll ever fall out of it.

*curls up wearing his collar and clutching the tag*

Mmmmm...Angel...

:D

Edit:

I forgot to mention the nameless boy who walked up to Darin and stood in front of him, giggling. He just smiled it looked so sinister man it was creepy. Darin threw a toy football and the kid ran like a bat out of hell to get it. It was so damn funny. XD

Sorry I haven't written anything in a while, guys. My FA account has been like...dead for the past couple of weeks except for "T-Mobile Hell". There's more to the story, but I'm too damn tired to tell it. You're going to have to wait on that one.

I ordered Zeta toys! w00t! For those of you that don't know what a Zetacreations toy is, visit their website at http://www.zetacreations.com There, you can find some interesting things ;) I ordered a few glow in the dark green ones. Today I bought a locked box (to my father's distaste) and hid the keys in a safe place. All of my kinky toys are going in there. Hehe!

Someone totally surprised me yesterday...er...two days ago XD I IMed him out of the blue because I noticed a strange name on my list. He'd never signed on before so I was pretty peculiar and surprised to relaize that, as I talked to this guy, he didn't block me. Further inspection revealed the facts that he had COMMON SENSE. From Pounced.org? WOW! I stayed up until about 4:47 in the morning talking to this guy. I completely blew off my mate's phone call, which I feel absolutely terrible about.

I really need to pay better attention to Joe. if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have Darin, and if it weren't for Darin, I wouldn't be as happy as I am today and feel as whole and complete as I do with my love. <3 I can honestly say that my Angel of the Glaciers completes me. ^^ What do ya know? There is love in the fandom. We're going to meet up on the second with my parents involved as well, even my mother!!!. *sigh* I am so happy.

Saw Pirates 3 today. God please don't tell me they're going to make a Pirates 4. It was good action-wise, but it was sort of predictable. I won't say the ending, but you sort of knew it was going to happen. I heard the guy in the stall next to me defacing it's plot holes and minor imperfections as though they were major ones. Hah. Good luck with that one, buddy.

Other news, other news, other news. Nope, there isn't any. :)

Unless you count #males and being kicked 7 times in one day simply for joining and pissing off an Op. Nice. Nope, no other news is good news.

Later. :)

Love you husky-butt. ^^ Read this when you come back.

T-Mobile hell

If there could be one word to describe cellphones, it would be evil. Let me tell you a little story.

Mom and I go to the mall on the 11th to purchase Mother's Day gifts. Finally with some money in my pocket,

everything goes well. A T-Mobile sign catches my eye. At a small black koisk lit by hot spotlights, an African

American fellow steps up and hands me a pampflet as I pass. I stop dead in my tracks.

"What a perfect gift for Mom for Mother's Day," I think, "I'd promised her ages ago I'd get her a pink Moto-Razor."

The guy starts feeding me information, of course me not knowing anything about cellphones, I think is true. I try

to go through with the MyFAVES plan, a plan that lets you call 5 friends for free on any network. He runs that up

with a sidekick plan and swipes my card. Problem: No credit. Thank you America. So I can't get myFAVEs. He puts

me on a FamilyTime 1000 plan with internet and Sidekick Data plan.

My card doesn't work. It gets declined three times. He puts it through as cash and I run to an ATM. ATM doesn't

work. I run back, then run back to the ATM again (at opposite ends of the mall) It works, but only for $200. I go

back to the guy, he says "Go get more if you can." So I go back. By this time I am uber sore. It doesn't work. I

go back to the guy and tell him. He is busy with other customers. I run back again. It works for another $200,

then for $60, then I try again and it says I'm over my spending limit. (There is a $200 limit for bills on the

machine, and I have a $460 spending limit, appearently)

Why all the money? Well, a Sidekick alone is $300, but he promised me a $100 instant savings and a $50 rebate. I

beg my mom to give me the extra hundred to pay the bill, and she does (I pay her back later the next day by

withdrawing money directly from my checking account because my card was being a pissant.)

I get in the car and look at the bill. It's wrong. My mom thinks I got ripped off, but it turns out the guy

printed it wrong.

She calls my dad and bitches and I talk my dad out of (over the phone) cancelling. I get home and after a while I

start to get suspicious because my Sidekick isn't working. I call customer service, they tell me this:

If you are on SmartAccess (no credit or bad credit) you cannot have two phones if you have a Sidekick. Also, you

cannot have the FamilyTime 1000 plan

This meant that I had to cancel my Mother's phone, right after I'd just shown it to everybody at the Mother's Day

party. Mom and I get into it in front of everyone at the party and I totally end up humiliating myself. Dad says

cancel cancel cancel, but my mother says that by law, they have to give me what the guy said on the receipt. We

decide to fight.

That night, I copy the receipt and PDF it and send it to my dad. He faxes it with a cover letter over to T-Mobile

and it's been 5 days since then. No response, even after three calls to customer service. it all came to a

head today. I called customer service and said "That's it. I want a letter of recognition stating that if I wait

for you guys and I go over the Buyer's Remourse period (14 days) I won't be charged the $200 de-activation fee. The

guy tells me they can't do that. I ask him why, he doesn't give me a straight answer. he will not allow me to talk

to his supervisor, then he HANGS UP ON ME. Fucking HANGS UP ON ME.

You know there is something wrong with the company when Customer Service hangs up on you.

So, that was the final straw. I'm cancelling my Sidekick. Dad and I are going to go up to that stand and bitch

that guy out in front of the whole mall. He deserves humiliation for what he caused. we will make sure his

supervisor fires him. You don't do that to somebody's mother on the day you are supposed to be celebrating

her. I am so disgusted with T-Mobile and their Customer Care.

Anyone that's looking for a cellphone, I advise you to steer clear of T-Mobile, no matter how cool their damn sidekick is. They will screw you over like they did, me. That was a Mother's Day gift, G-D-it!

*snarls heavily and stomps off*

This one is for my puppy...

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/540275/

I'm sorry. ;.;

I'd write a longer one if I didn't have such a bad headache from this cold. I got it three days ago from...something I won't mention, and it's been driving me insane. I have absolutely no energy and mother refuses to accept the fact that I'm sick and taking three or four naps a day due to said sickness. She is seeing it as laziness, which is completely unfair.

Speaking of unfair, I spoke to another psychotic pounced candidate today. Where do these people come from? >.> Even when you put in your profile that you are taken and looking for friends, they meet you acting all warm and fuzzy and cuddly, then you tell them about yourself and they turn into a total dick or bitch and block you / warm you / go invisible and every time you wish to speak with them they are busy or sign out immediately

Darin asked me what my Darkest fear was. He played for me a song from "The Guardian" which was a decent movie, but the song made me cry, so here I am Skypeing and getting all emotional and junk like I usually do when something makes me cry, I get all blubbery and shit. I hate it. So I just said I couldn't take it anymore because I feel like my wolf self has been decommissioned. Last night was the first night I had without a wolf in my dream and it got really disturbing. So there I was, sick, drowsy, nightmareish, and then the insomnia kicked in at 4 in the morning so I logged on to idle chat rooms. Nice.

Mother is allowing me to cash my check, but she's holding it over my head as something she will not do if I do not help her for mothers day. Technically, that's illegal, but she's doing it just because she can.

Dad spoke to me over the phone. He's giving her a mothers day surprise. That's nice. Too bad he missed their anniversary three years in a row. He's trying to suck up because she knows he cheated on her with that Mel or whatever the girl's name was. I spilled the beans, simply because I hate my mother, but the truth is: It was a mistake. It caused a lot of unnecessary drama. I should not have done it, but if it's one step closer to their divorce *shrugs* I'm going with dad and living in Florida if that happens. Darin's coming with me. He needs rescuing.

Haven't seen an alligator in a while. XD Not since I was four years old and lived down there. Ah, oh well. I don't miss the heat, that's for sure, and I'd miss this basement.

Time to go. Dehumidifier is beeping and I really really need to sleep (which will involve a lot of crying and stuff like that) so...tata.

Never heard the innuendo "Make me a sandwich" before. Apparently the request to make a PB&J, Salami n' Chips, or hot ham sandwich, or just about any creation you can think of has some sort of sexual meaning. What wonders will prowl my knotty mind whilst I ponder this wonderment? The world may never know, or probably does know. They should make a lookup website for sexual innuendos. I really need to brush up on this.

That still doesn't mean Rusty Trumpets are OK, OK? But avoid the Dirty Sanchez. o.O

See what I mean? It infuriates some to a certain degree not to know what these things are. Some could care less, but when your mate is using them affectionately to his friends as "Code Talk" via a 4-way voice conversation, you get a little suspicious.

Enough about the sandwich, let's talk about my "U" key. It's wore out, and bugging me. This is a really cool keyboard, so if it goes bad, innocent heads will roll. Mmmm...meat grinder bits.

*hiccup*

So yeah, I told a girl I was going to put this in my "LiveJournal". I wasn't going to say "Fur Affinity account" because well...you know. She said, "Why would you put such a thing in your LiveJournal?" Well, here it is.

I accidentally kicked a dude in the nuts.

There. I said it. It was funny. He keeled over and everything. That would have sucked if that had been me.

You know what? That was retarded.''

*facepalms*

Highlights of last week:

Darin got his truck
Days went by so that's 7 days closer to meeting up with Darin
Somebody came back. Won't say who, but somebody I've missed for a long time.
I got a headache from drinking too much Gatorade. Maybe I should sue? XD
Actually threw up. Haven't done that since the days of Devon. Interesting fact, but peculiar.
Two people on pounced already hate me for various reasons. Meh. They're psycho. Most furs on Pounced.org are.
Joe wants to set up something for the Detroit Zoo. Fun
MY FUCKING U KEY IS WORN OUT AND I'M PISSED! ><

Save me, Floridian Dragon! Bestow upon me your mechanical knowledge. God, I haven't talked to that guy in like...forever?

LAPSE IN CONCENTRATION!

I'll make a new submission, I swear. I'm working on a short story- GOD THIS SONG IS DRIVING ME NUTS- OK [ebonics]I got ta cut dat[/ebonics] I really, really, really need to get off the Gatorade and go to bed or something. *Rubs hindpaws* Cold. It's cold, I have a blanket wrapped around me, and am sitting in a dark basement. You'd think I'd be afraid, well there is that factor, but there is also the factor that I have lived here for a month, so I'm pretty much used to it. I have a nice snuggly bed to go to, so I'm all set. My brother is totally creeped out, though.

[05:07] * crazy|wolf pounces jes
[05:07] * Jes squeaks!

Do wolves squeak, or am I misguided on this guy's species? XD


Later, all. I'm gonna work hard on this submission.

Got a call from the Mt. Clemens social security office today. I have been approved for SSI! :D Know what that means? MOOLAH! $$$ CA-CHING! Mom and I are going to the bank to deposit my first check and open a checking account with a debit card. Hehehehehe. I'm so happy, I finally have money. $350 of it goes to my parents, (for rent) which is pretty good considering you can't get a single bedroom apartment for that much WITHOUT utilities OR food. Dealing with my parents ain't so bad when I have $250 of spending money every month plus I might get a credit card or some shit like that. Dad's teachin' me how to use a credit card (responsably). I IS A HAPPY WUFFY! *HOWL!*

:D

Rawr!
Edit: I also discovered that I can get VA benifits too because my dad was in the Navy during the Veitnam war. YOOOOOOOOOOIY MORE CASH! XD Thanks Dad!

Today is a very sad day indeed. I will not go down the roads I went before. I will not allow the ones who love me properly to weep over me. I have done it, it is my final decision, and here it is:

He's no longer my mate. I can't get the lies out of my head, the cheating the deception. All of those times at 1 in the morning crying on Skype to him. For what? No. Just more daggers in my heart. These are probably the deepest wounds I've had yet, and it's probably going to cause the most drama, but he's gone. Out of my life, blocked from everything.

I am doing this not just because of the cheating and the lies, but because I was forcing him to play a fursona he did not want to play. I was forcing him into something he did not like. Go, McClellan, go back to being Mehko. I give you your freedom. Damien is dead and my head is on the gravestone.

You are free.

Go.

Audio Journal #1

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/518523/

 sdwolf adopted me as his little brother. ^^ Thanks, big bro. Now all you need to do is be online more! XD

I did something rather witty and asked a hot guy in the bookstore if they had any books on therians. It was an indirect way of asking him if he was a fur / therian / were, but he said he had no idea what it was when he looked it up on the computer.

Master Kim did not give McKinsey her green belt because she did not complete her homework. We were sparring yesterday. I was so scared, but at the end I went nuts and executed a few combos on instructor Jim, just because I hate his guts. I got him really good in the ribs once, but he's a good martial artist. I'm more into refining my body than fighting anyway. My reflexes suck. I don't like going to Master Bob because he forces me to spar and I make a fool out of myself. All of the older students in Master Kim's class are more respectful.

I haven't talked to "Damien" properly in a few days. I almost gave him a hard time for wanting to go to bed as soon as I IMed him. It's a Friday night for Gaia sakes man, you should be up! Peak times for Internet are Friday and Saturday night. All while I was sparring I was thinking of him. I knocked a guy down with a flying kick. I'm so proud of myself. I thought of you the whole time, "Damien"... I know you don't bother reading my journals, but you are the burning flame that's the only thing that can melt through the wall of ice around my soul.

There's a reason I call you Damien of the Glaciers

Hey now, that's just a little too mushy. XD

*blush*

I can't believe I typed that. If you look up Hopeless Romantic, I'm sure you'll find my picture pasted on the page. That is of course, if you can get your claws on my dictionary. XD

Yuna was crying today. I have no idea why, but I think her dad punished her for something. I gave her words of encouragement, but I don't think they did jack shit. Nobody there listens to me, anyway.

At least they are respectful...

Ever get the feeling everyone on IRC is ignoring you, too busy with their own matters and friends to care? I do. It sucks coming back to a server where there are new people you don't know. I'll stick with Big Bro and a few others for now. I'm not keen on IRC. Too much drama.

Tired of writing this stupid thing. Later.

Well I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that the orca is RPing a husky for me, just because I can't stand orcas. I'm starting to think he actually cares.

The bad news is dad put a ISP-side packet logger on my comp. Basically in a nutshell, my internet will probably be gone FOR GOOD in three weeks. That means no yiffing, no Skype, no Yahoo, gone, zip, nadda. And they are going to take the computer out of the house and move me upstairs so I can't isolate myself.

Bad news? You got it. Countdown to three weeks, folks.

If my mother doesn't stick me in St. Joes East first...

(She probably will)

Anyway I've just been loving on my husky. We've been just getting closer and closer these past few days. It's too bad I might not ever see him again. That's the blunt truth.

I'm just going to go ahead and reveal him now. I was blunt an honest, I don't see why people will make bad comments but here goes.

My mate is...

 dmcclellan

And for those of you that judged me by his one journal entry, why don't you try talking to a mentally ill person before judging them? Comments like that are likely to piss people off.

Got in touch with Shadow D Woof today! God, I haven't talked that guy in SIX YEARS! First saw Blackwolf on #spiritual and had to ask him. Luckily, I got lucky! Shadow and Blackwolf are awesome guys. Just wish I would have stayed around to live with them.

I have to take my meds the normal way again, which means bye-bye you-know-what. Put two and two together, mmk? Also, bye bye staying up late. I'm going to have to get a chat program that keeps logs. Gawd I'm so paranoid. XD

Someone on a thread somewhere said nobody should be hanging out with me because I have a mental illness. Bull shit. How will I ever get better if I don't have a support system to help me when I'm down? My new mate is really good about that. Yeah, but he did cheat on me once and use manipulation tactics. To tell you the truth, I just got the bottle of pills to take my evening dose. I didn't take all those pills. If I did, I probably wouldn't be awake right now. I did it because I wanted him to tell the truth.

I was so scared he was going to leave me, but he didn't. He said he blocked his other mate and blocked him from viewing his webcam. I have pictures in BMP format of his work...

Mom threatened to call the cops on me today. That was nice. She said that Jim said that my dad should stay home from Florida and watch his delinquent child. Long range napalm tank, here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE! XD

Orcas don't know how to drive. XD

HA HA HA sorry dude.

Peace out for now.

True to what I said in IM, I got up 30 minutes after I laid down. I just can't sleep, don't know what the problem is. Actually, yes, I know what the problem is, there's a bottle of Klonopin unused in the cupboard in the bathroom, that's what the problem is. I fair better off sexually if I skip my Risperdol and Klonopin, but I just can't fuggin' sleep! I'm sore, my body needs rest, but I'm afraid to take a Klonopin because I'll sleep until 12:00 in the afternoon and mom will bitch.

Dad says Saturday might work. Yay! A chance to have a mate! Joy! Gods, we must have talked for two hours on that phone. I looked at my watch and lied to the guy and said it had only been one hour, just because I wanted to stay on longer. He's definitely a talker par Joe's words. He's so cute and adorable I just want to grab him up and snuggle him into my mane for a while.

Damn smoke alarm is chirping again at almost 2 o'clock in the morning. Man, I hate these new smoke alarms. The batteries are so hard to change. It's not like the old ones where it had the two wires and the blue thing with the clips on it for the 9V battery, you have to put the battery in there, close the compartment, twist the smoke detector into position and it goes off right in your face to test. I hate it. I'm deaf from the last one I changed.

In other news, Mom was saying a package got sent to MSNBC from that killer at Virginia Tech. If those kind of people exist in the world that creeps me out. It's bad enough my mother is a psychopath.

La la l-la genocide
La la l-la mass genocide
Don't stop the frying 'till everyone is dying
La la l-la la la...la...LA!

Don't let your parents hear you singing that, kiddies!

*Sigh* This guy I'm meeting concerns me. He went to bed 15 minutes after he said he was signing off, plus he was totally unresponsive most of the day. I'm really suspicious. But...

I can't help it. I'm starting to love him despite the warning signs. I'm doing it again. I hope one day he'll realize this and understand my fears. I want to be close to him, but he talks about sex a lot. To tell anyone the truth, I'm a snuggly person, I don't do sex that much. I have been forcing myself to yiff lately and it's really starting to get to me.

Still, the meeting is Saturday, and we'll see how it goes from a Real Life perspective. On the internet, I doubt I'm going to make much headway. If I go to that park and we end up making out and I fall for him for sure, that's how it's gonna go. But I'm telling you this: He's an orca. I'm not into orcas. I yiff him because I care for him AS A REALISTIC HUMAN BEING and that's the bottom line. He wants to do shit with other orcas online, that's his prerogative. I know what I observed with the camera FPS. He lied about saying he didn't condone those extra people viewing it, because today I set my modem and video capture card up so that the coaxial signal went through as a webcam and had three people try to access it. It prompts you EVERY TIME. Damage control my tooshie. He might have clicked that one by mistake, but I think he was a little trigger happy with his mouse button.

Or his keyboard...

Either way, I have come to the conclusion that it has reached the point where no more headway can be made online. I have to see him in person, and if it develops, it develops, orca or not. I'm a good person, I've been through these types of relationships before, and so far the internet side isn't looking good.

He was also invisible and blocked me. Both at the same time. He gave me the excuse that his Yahoo was preforming an update and that it was showing him as online on the server but nobody could talk to him. To test this, I created a separate account and sent him an invite. He never got it. Perhaps that was legitimate?

I need counseling. I think I may be paying too much attention, but maybe that's a good thing. I'm telling you this, my heart will not be won over until he proves to me that he can be honest. If he really wants me, he will be honest, and from when he sees this journal entry, he will be honest. I am interested in him, yes, as a PERSON, which is really how it should be.

To a typical baseline furry, a fursona is a sexual kink. They may base it off of their personality, but they don't take it seriously. You dive deeper into the fandom, and you find furs that have roots with their fursonas. Devon...was a baseline furry. He spent every wasted night in his dorm room or over at his "mate"'s place yiffing in every channel that interested him.

There are exceptions to baseline furs. Some are good natured people. These people are baseline at first but usually end up turning therian/were, which bases the species selection more on spirituality. I am so close to this point, you have no idea. I'm sick of the drama, sick of the pain it causes, sick of the jealousy. I miss Shadow_D_Wolf. He had a point. I should have listened.

If you want to bitch, bitch all you want, you'll just get banned for flaming. This is my opinion. Furry is my life, but sex isn't, and the two seem to go paw-in-paw. Please for my safety, and the safety of the fandom, correct me if I'm wrong, but is this some beastiality fetish, or is that just a percentile of the fandom? Are you for real when you say you are a wolf or a fox or a tiger? Or do you just like tigers because they have barbs and look hot in skin tight shorts? What do you mean when you say "I am a furry."? Do you mean you sit up until 4 o'clock in the morning yiffing in a transformation chatroom? Or do you mean you have dreams about your creature, have seen your spirit form in times of desperation, and have lived and breathed hoping one day you will be reincarnated as one. I do. I have, and I don't belong on the baseline.

Maybe Mom was right. It's the definition of furry baseline she was looking at.

There is so much more...

So much more...

and I've been missing it all these years.

Took me this long to figure it out...

I'm a therian.

Thanks Shadow. :) Wherever you are, you just got a big hug from a white wuff.

God I am so going to get flamed for this.

Okay, things happened. More stuff. I got kicked in a pressure point on my leg for being late by my master for Tae Kwon Do. He's a real strict guy, but I thought he was sort of rude and didn't go easy on me considering I hadn't done it in a month. McKinsey was a little pillbox as usual. Delany was crying. I hope she is all right. Another friend and issue to worry about. I'm sitting here, it's 4:40, can't sleep, and I forgot to take my evening meds which means my mind and body aren't exactly in sync with each other right now. Body -> 1,000,000 times a minute, Brain -> Normal. I hate when I get this racing feeling. Surves me right.

Really cool thing! Found out that Joe actually DOES know this guy that I want to hang out with. Says he's really cool, so that'll fit in good with our story. If Dad wants to ask Joe, he'll get a good response!

Battle 1 from Chrono Trigger goes on. And they're off. Wailing round the ring in a ring in a- Wait a minute? Did I just pun? I think I did. Totally on accident, too. The guy I am talking to his an orca. I've been making odd puns and laughing at them lately. *chuckles* No one else thinks they're funny. :P

I have never dated an orca before, so this will be interesting. He likes boating, which I think is sort of scary. Being a wolf, I'm not exactly nimble in the water, you know? Never was, but I know how to swim. I used to have a boating license, took the test even, but failed due to my teen angst. Damn teen angst! Ripping away my dreams!

So the guy likes to boat and likes to talk according to Joe. We had a pretty bad time last night because everyone on my list was either busy or away (My California friend was yiffing two others, nice, he always gets the good stuff. Just wish he had pictures. XD Not so I could date them of course but so I could use my paws for something other than typing. ;)

I won't lie. I did it last night. This guy was doing his usual thingy with the webcam andI noticed it was slow. On Yahoo on a high speed DSL connection you usually get about 3 FPS if it's not going through a server, which it does if more than two people are viewing it.

I won't go into details but it was a big mess. He was taking 7-9 minutes for a single reply and I was thinking other things and *sigh*, I said some things. Luckily, the guy was understanding when I explained myself and apologized. At least he didn't rip me a new one every time I complained like Devon used to do. That, I am happy for.

He's got control freak parents like I do, he knows Joe, and our nights are certainly interesting. *shrug* Small world. He is hilariously funny. Even his voice makes me laugh, but not in a derisive or ignorant way, a good way. The kind of way that makes me smile when I think about him. He is the kind of way that makes me want to purr into my pillow until I fall asleep, anyway. :)

I am wary of the love thing. It took me a little time to admit that I'm scared. If this turns into another thing where I have to use the block button, I think I might just give up on the whole love thing and be a friggin' whore for the rest of my life. I made him cry, and had a good reason for it, but that hurt a lot. At one point I just laid my head on my desk and watered up a little bit. I think he might have also.

The guy said so many things that you can say when you love somebody, when you care about somebody, but this is the internet. I have a right to be skeptical, and a right to be cautious. You don't know what's on the other person's screen. You can take the hints like the camera FPS and do Stealth checks and FINGER and CTCP them in IRC at odd times of the morning to see if they are lurking, but really, you don't know. I learned this with Devon. He had a 32 person relationship hierarchy and was in yiffs in his dorm room every night. I found this out, and also that he had a secret lover I saw some pretty interesting chat logs from.

Don't fool around with the Internet, kiddies. Pick up a book on nonverbal psychology and put on some coffee and have a good read. If you ever find yourself suspicious, (and you're not OCD or Paranoid Skitzo ;) ) ask questions. I was getting bad vibes today, so I questioned this guy. He apologized, which surprised me. I didn't want to go to bed, but my body wanted to. I am so sore and out of it I really do just need someone to curl up with. Vicious cycle.

And if you want to find out more information on IRC spying, proxies, chat logging, or any tools that may help you along on your journey around the Internet, I think I may host a site on that in future. (As soon as I get the time and money.) I think I just stumbled upon a way to help those struggling 17 year olds (Scotty, Travis, Chris) and those not-so-17 year olds, (Sonadow, Martin) with their Internet drama. I sure get enough of it, I get dished it daily, and it ain't fun. You could eat dinner if the drama were food, though most of it would probably be rotted and fermenting feces. If anybody wants to help me along with this idea, feel free to IM me

Grayback Wolf X - AIM
graybackwolf - Yahoo
MSN is currently disabled due to, you guessed it, Internet drama.

*Sigh* Later kiddies. I leave you on a, yes, dramatic note. Be careful where you set footpaw on the World Wide Web. I logged onto a computer when I was 10 years old, not knowing the journey that lay ahead of me, Chris (Other Chris, Eren Elemmire, not one I know now), Justin, Scotty, Devon...IRC chat rooms, k-lining from EsperNET, near k-line from FurNET, jail over stress and anxiety and a backlash at my mother... It ain't pretty.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't just...

Stop.

OK. I leave for the move and I change ISPs. The phone lines are all screwed up in the house so I have to stand on a ladder for four hours and re-wire them. I get a splinter through my left index finger under the nail, my brother has several reoccouring dreams about my father having a heart attack, and my bitches her way to my imaginary set of "Ignore Vicky" earmuffs.

On the flipside, THIS ROCKS! I am completely alone in the basement (Except when my brother spends the weekend) with my own room and bathroom, washer and dryer, and COMPUTER WITH INTERNET ACCESS. I even got a fridge! Hot dog! (Pun!!!!!! (overuse again) ) With an ongoing food supply I could SURVIVE down here without any interaction with my mother AT ALL (if she would permit it).

Gotta go! Brother coming downstairs! XD

Love ya all.

OK first I have this firewall problem and then I find out that Rob did something to his shoulder ouchie he must have slept on it wrong.

Sorry for the lack of entries / comments / submissions. I'm on a new med I'm doing good but it's making me depressed and not want to do much of anything. I have just come home from partial and slept the day away for three days.

Before I post the link, let me tell you about an orange wolf and his lion. I don't have much of it to tell myself, but I met the wolf in an IRC chatroom. He's got a mate named Kari (the lion) and they've been together for a while. I only just touched in on their lives briefly with phone calls here or there. So hard to talk to anyone anymore you know. Life is just that way. But after seeing this video...well...you just have to see it for yourself.

http://files.filefront.com/Hello_Kariwmv/;6976940;;/fileinfo.html

Carrot, Kari, I'm enormously happy for you guys. I've been told love doesn't exist in the fandom but obviously that person has been smoking a hell of a lot of crack 'cuz here's proof that it does. If I got a life time goal, it's to find someone and end up like you guys.

*hugs both*

*sniffle*

Thanks for cheering me up immensely.

~Gray

"We don't need the outlets in the basement for Robbie's computer! I want my dining set!!!" *bitch bitch bitch*

Thanks mom.

Anyway, quite busy at the mo. Muzzlesex don't you know. XD Not really. I wish. Unf unf. Out of the blue I asked some girl today if she had AIM. I've been remembering what Adam said about confidence. I was either gutsy or stupid, but she gave me it. I was surprised. Yay. Friends.

First day of PHP was boring as hell. I'm bringing my iPod and loading some songs onto it. I can't stand it there. I wish I hadn't thrown my earbud headphones out, but they were busted, y'know? Making a loud buzzy noise in my ear. Ouch. Looks like I get to geek out with my studio headphones. :B

I want to get back on Invega, I was only on it for three days and I was pissed off the third day so my doctor reported that it caused anger problems in me and took me off it. God I hate his guts. I was starting to lose weight because of that pill. Fuck.

La la la. Happy pills.

Drugz.

Laters.

I've been gone for a while. Sorry I haven't commented at all on anything or whatnot, but I'm catching up. If you are wondering where I was, I was at a crisis center for a week and a day because I was so fucking frustrated I felt like I was going to blow shit and it wasn't going to be pretty. This old korean dude of a doctor slaps a label on me and sticks me in a crisis center. It was all right in there. I mean, most of them got stuck there for the same reason I did. I tried signing myself out of that place because I didn't feel I really needed to be there. The doctor patitioned me to a fucking psych ward. I actually had to wait a few days to have a doctor tell me there was nothing wrong with me and to advise me to change doctors. I just got a letter in the mail saying that CMH is refusing to pay for the hospital stay, and another with a bill for $32,000. All because I wanted to be mature and check myself in to a treatment center it costed me $32,000 big ones. I have no income, I'd never be able to make that money in my entire life. Oh, there's going to be an appeal, a big one, and I'm going to make a big deal out of this. I saw that formal refusal. Some bastard actually signed it. I'd like to talk to the fuckhead who signed it myself. >< *snarls*