Well I know it's a bit late for Halloween. But just wanted to update the few people really follow me. Friday before Halloween I fursuited as Walter Wolf walking 2.4 miles around Dallas City hall. Saturday a couple of us fursuited at Bass Pro in Garland Texas. Followed by fursuiting in the evening at Wizard Wayne Magic Store in Rowlett Texas. Monday fursuited in Dallas City Hall as Savage the werewolf. Last Halloween night gave out candy at my house as Walter Wolf.

I have cut back on the furmeets that I go to now. Only going to Arlingtion FurMeet.
The reason being for the pass year I been feeling less connected to most of the other furries. Not sure if it my age or what. But it is a real thing. So the other meets have got to the point that I feel more alone at the meets than at home. So I'm better off being at house.


Also on the subject of fursuit dancing at the clubs in Dallas. It use to be something that I really enjoyed and a big place of my weekly Friday routine. That is no more I only gone once in the last six months. Now I have no desire to return. The last time there I was the only fursuiter there. The reasons that I went was for exercise, to be social with other furries and dance with other fursuiters. Well no one was to be socialize with me and certainly no would dance me. So that enough reason to stop. Now that
it getting cold, I plan to start dancing alone in my house for exercise.

I was coming home from the vet and passed by a fire station. There was a sign out front about dropping off toys for children. Suddenly I was filled with joy and happiness at the idea of buying plushy animals and taking them down to the fire station as Greyhare. So I went to Walmart and purchased a couple of plushies. Then I went home and told  Wuzzletodd . He wanted to participate in this act to kindness. So we went down to the fire station  Wuzzletodd fursuited as Zeke and me as Greyhare. We walked in the fire station with 4 or 5 smiling fireman. I told them we were here to donate toys and placed them on the table. They took us out to the fire engine for pictures and we left. A couple week later while fursuiting in downtown Dallas I received a picture from them.

So this coming year I will do the same but expand it to all the fire stations in the area. Also I would like to challenge all fursuiters worldwide to do one fire station near them. Let this be a positive thing done by furries everywhere to erase the bad done by a few at Oklacon and Rainfurrest.

Please feel free to contact me or pass this on.

As of yesterday  Donkey and me decided to be mates We both have a  lot in common. We like to fursuit, go to the club dancing,  hang out together and many other things. We know no matter what we will not do anything to hurt the other.

Well today Is marks 1 year since my father passed away. I'm both happy and sad at the same time. Sad that my dad had the passed away without me saying a real good bye to him and sorry that I was mad at him for calling for help late at night. It brought out the worst in me and I do not like it. Happy it ended 6 years of him being bedridden and unable to talk very well. Also happy that he died in his sleep and did not know he was dying so there was not fear of death and without pain. We should all be so lucky.

It was 6 month ago  that Draft and me broke up. It for the better he never loved me and was looking for someone while still with me.  Be sure to give Draft and Diego Congratz in 3 days for their 6 months together.  I truly did love him so it left me bitter , betrayed and deeply hurt. It for the better because in meant that I was living a lie. After having both of them of them leave my house. I could finally see the trulth of how bad things really were.  Every couple of days causing me pain and me making him suffer for not loving me.  I'm currently unsure of my mental state. I'm doing better but the dwelling is still hurting me. I do not like idea of being unable to forgive Draft .  Not matter how much I want to forgive something inside me stops me. 

 Oddly when I am deeply depressed my mind  start writing a story.  It was part of the stories of Greyhare. It does involve Draft's  and Diego's death .  So here goes several years ago a star blows up causing a gamma ray burst. When Draft and me break up I give him my love as a gift. But Greyhare is a healer and  love is part of how he is able to heal. So later Greyhare finds that he can no longer can heal anyone. So the lost of Draft and healing has send him in to deep depression . Greyhare does have a lepus spirit staff.  In a another story  the third immortal form Werehare  his the staff with him when he saves 3  children from a fire. All of his fur is burnt off and appears as a deformed human with 3th degrees on most of his body. He then learn that 2 of the children died . Now he able to feel the pain from his burns. He falls to the ground next to the near staff  screaming. Now a 7 foot snake crawls it way to him. It starts licking his ear cleaning of the burnt skin and fur. Then it goes to the staff coiling it's self around it. The staff starts to glow red.  He touch the staff the glow gets brighter and he start to feel better. So he gasp the staff and gets up on his feet. The staff with snake grow brighter still. Then his burn skin starts to heal and his fur grows back in. After a few minutes  he is totally healed. He goes over to the body of one of the dead children  and hugs tightly while holding the staff. Few minute later the child start breathing . He repeat the process on the other child. So the 3 children were saved . Werehare symbolizes chaos but now redemption . Later they find out what the staff has turned in to. It the Lepus  version of staff of Asclepious with the power to heal and reverse death ! On the morning before easter the gamma ray burst reaches Earth.   I'm awaken in intense pain. I go outside the sky glow green. I hear lucky my gsd howl and Wuzzletodd screeming. I go inside the house and grab the lepius totem staff and transform from my 
human form to Greyhare the snake then appears on the staff  everything in the house glow red for over 24 hours Greyhare holding  the staff . Until he sure the danger is gone. Now there a deathly quite. I walk to the park on the way seeing dead birds and cats. When I get to main road there is dead people in cars. I know we are the only 3 living things on the Earth.  So I go back to house think what to do. I Decide to use the staff to try to bring back all that have died  both human and animal on the whole Earth. I mediate for a hour before starting.  Then I start I'm in the front yard , I stick the staff deeply into the ground . The red glow starts to appears moving out In all directions. After 6 hours I feel that the glow has cover the Earth but nothing is coming back to life. I now know that I need power of my other forms. I ask my other to forms to be with me. They appear as ghosts one on each side of me. Holding my shoulder and the other paw on the staff. Over another hour  life returns to the Earth again. But something's is still wrong.  I ask Wuzzletodd to take me to Draft's place. I peek in the window I see Diego in wolf form howling softly over Draft in bluemoon form. I now the reason that he is still dead. It because I have not forgiven him. Again I  mediate and ask my other forms to appear.  I must forgive him to bring him back to life.This is harder than bring back the rest of the world.  So Greyhare starts trying to be back Draft from the dead. Finally  late on that Easter day Draft starts to move and Diego hugs Draft. Greyhare disappears and is replaced with my human form. I leave to go back home with Wuzzletodd. But I now feel that Greyhare spirit is gone. After several months there is no Greyhare only the memory of what he his done and few wll ever  know of his deeds. 

Well I do not want to end on a sad note. One month ago I managed to sell my dad's house for a good price. I'm using some of the money to fix up my house and other projects.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about love and  relationships. Below is some of my thoughts about the subject.

1. The reason that so many  relationships fail. I was young starting having a relationship with someone. I could experience lust but not love. For over 30 years I thought that there was something mentally wrong with me. So I stay away from everybody due to the inability to love. Now I believe that true for all young people in general. Furries suffer for it a lot because it so easy to walk away from their current mate and get another like the first person was never there. If you say that not true for most of the population your correct but they are legally married and may have joint assets that make it very hard to just walk away. So they continue to stay together and suffer.

2. If you truly love someone I believe you love for the good and forgive them for the bad . If your trying to change something that is a real part of that person. The relationship is doomed to fail.

3 Love the person for who they are not for what they have. 

4 Jealous  is not a sign of love, it about control.

5. If you with someone that you do not love. Let them know gently and move out. Don't shop for someone new while sharing a bed with the current one. It will hurt the other person some badly that a future friendship will be difficult. The more so if the other person deeply loves you. 

6. Love cannot be one sided. When one of the partners does not love the other it need to end. Both people need to be happy in the relationship or it just wrong.

7. If you breakup with someone there is a clear winner  and loser. The winner needs to understand that the loser is going to feel sad and depressed for a long time. If the winner does not have much empathy they will not understand how the loser feels.

I been working on a new fursona that I will introduce at TTF 2015. It will be quite different from Greyhare and Savage. This character will  cosplayed since he was created to be like the one for the cartoons of old. He was not a main character from past but one that I liked never the less.  Last night I was researching the character. When I was shocked to out that Wuzzletodd Bugs Bunny and my new character have Connection to a person that graduated from North Dallas High School in 1927.  The Bugs Bunny phrase "what's up doc " was the idea of Tex Avery. Next year I would like  to take both characters to the high school and pay our respect to one who inspired us and many others. Yes the high school is still in use and oddly we pass within a mile every week when we go to the club. 

Amazing

I decided that what I needed in my life is a good friend. Somebody that likes to do the things that I do. Also To set around  and enjoy each others company.  I feel trying to get another mate will just end badly again. I now believe that no one can truly can love me. That in time he will find someone else. At that point I would tell the him to go. So I would be deeply hurt again.  I just cannot handle multiple breakups it would destroy my health. Also when I lost a mate . I lost a good friend.  So why lose friends and be depressed. With friends it can be for rest of your life. With mate your lucky if it 2 years.

Now that I have got my emotional state more aligned to my logical state. Starting to feel better and able to sleep. Now relearning how it was to be by myself most of the time. Starting to move my life forward again slowly. 

Dealing with the first and hardest road block. It my dad's house currently costs me over 600 plus a month just in taxs and insurance. So I'm working on getting the house transferred into my name. Most likely need to go thru probate. If it going to take a long time guess I think about renting it.

I'm remaining active still doing the Friday night fursuit dancing event at Station 4 in Dallas. Also planning the events below for he rest of the year.

1  fursuiting and pictures at Bass pro Shop in Garland , tx
2 is a more personal event for Tijuju and me. It the pumpkin run on Halloween. If the weather is not too hot, I will be dressed in full fursuit in front of Dallas cityhall at noon   and walk 4 times around the building on the streets for a total of 2 miles. 
3 Halloween night have fursuiter come over to give candy out in the front yard. Followed by a little party and card games later.
4. November 1st for ppl that stayed over morning fursuiting for my house to park.
5 November 1st 1 to 5 free roller skating at southern skates.
6 thanksgiving for the furries. I cook a turkey for the furries that do not have family in the area. Currently I have no family or loved one to share the holidays with.
7 Christmas gift exchange, games and fursuiting at my house.

I still quite  confused and dwelling on past event. But trying my best. Life has been mentally hard and due to my age it seems to be difficult to move in the direction of happiness. Starting to think winning the lottery  is easier that happiness.

Today they are both are 2 years old. It been a hard year on us all. The death of my father and my breakup with my mate, and legal issues with dads house. It all been stressing me. Just not just not sure how the future is going to be for the three of us. I hope better than the present.

Now I have another plight
Greyhare is giving another fight
Every time I fix his fan
All it does is quit because he wants me ban
Now he's only thing that I love 
Even he want to fly away like a dove
It appear that everything I love dear
Only want to create great fear
How can I continue this horrible life
With all this personal strife 
I think my spirit is damage 
Not sure how to manage
Just not sure
How to take much more

I truly cannot stand how I feel
Most of the time I just feel quite ill
Currently my wish 
Is to know how long I'm going to be like this
I must be a terrible  person that fell
For I feel like I'm living in hell
Trying to find that something to light
Help me thru this horrible plight 
Now another problem made me fell
The realtor said I my not be able to legally  sell
I fear until I get rid of the house
Everything is going to make me feel like mouse

Well ppl it turnout that I have done everything bad and then some about breaking up. So I have been suffered greatly unable to heal and make life hard for Draft and Diego living with me. Also I started turning into someone that I did not like.  So we all decided it was for the best if they get their own place. We are still go to remain friends. I finally know it for the best for everybody. This should make everybody happy and for me time to start heal.

With Draft and me after work he only wanted to play games on the tablet and not talk to me. But Diego and Draft they talk all the time and watch video together. Now he never on the tablet. I feel such failure with them living with me. It just keeps me in a state of depression know that I could not make Draft happy.  Will I ever find someone that will be like that with me ?

In the beginning you were such a tease 
And I was so easy to please
What happen next I thought was great
For Draft to become my very mate
Over time my love grow 
Draft it could never flow
Now I know it for the best 
If they both leave my nest
For are relationship test
It only turned in to a big miss
Life is not fair 
For this lonely old hare

Starting with last night
I know it is not right
I will sleep with white Bear
This little hare
You with the red bow tie
Will you be mine
I will not budge
Please do not judge
It not what I seek
He does not speak
Since I need 
He will not leave
I know that he we will always be there
For this poor little hare

Got my blood work back in appears that I'm stopped healing and starting to back slide. I lost 6 month of healing due to my mind body connection. Fortunely it's not serious at the time moment. Until I find happiness again I will be unable to heal. Here a another poem about it.

Got a letter in the mail 
What it said put in hell
It told  me that no longer a healing hare
No matter how much I care
For now I bound 
To lose on the heath ground
Like a miss dart 
I have lost that art
When I gave up my love
To have none 
Something in the past 
I gave away something special too fast
It appears that I cannot heal unless I'm complete
So the only thing left is to set out in the heat
My fate is seal
Seems that all I get is bills
May not be fair 
But that's life for this little hare

Well Draft and Diego his new mate will be returning today to live with me. I do not wish any ill will on them. It was my choice to allow them to live with me. Hoping that some good would come of it. Ppl have told this was a bad idea. But draft ask me to trust him. It funny how it working out try to trust your ex lover as a friend so fast. I guess it my social issues popping up . Never doing what ppl think I should. But I wrote another poem related to this and my feeling this day . More than likely few ppl will read. But I like to write down my feeling anyway.

Being one
Having none
Falling into the dark
With no One to bark
Wanting another
Lost his mother
On this date 
Is coming some one else mate 
One you used to love is about to return
Hope that I will not be getting burn
It going to be my cross to bear
For this damn little hare
No longer sure
But wanting more
Being kind 
Only make me lose my mind
Sometimes in life 
Things start to make me think of the knife
Thinking what's better at any rate
Should I do a chemical castrate
What is the hare
To do when there no one to care
How can I continue this pain to bear
All I am is just an unloved hare

I Call a upon the spirit of healing hare of old
To once again make you bold
For you are very kind
Now the time remove the Bind
He does not charge a fee
To set your soul free
I know what's been in your brain
Has been causing your great pain
Feeling like your crushed
Time to end all this fuss
For the pursuit of happiness is not you fate
Starting from this very date
You will give up what dear
So someone can remain near
You will give up your love
To one that call you Hun
For what has been lost
Cannot be purchased any cost
To be just a friend
Your going to have to bend
Be careful of watching others fate
Because in it might bring on hate
At the club dance out your  heart
For that is your art
You Can not longer give love
Because you have none
Will you ever have a loving mate 
Nothing is certain about your fate
No longer do you need to kneel
For you cannot longer feel
Like the flying dove
So does the feeling of love
Like the healing fleece 
of old I grant you inner peace
Since you are very old 
Someone near has turned quite cold
I know that your true desire
Is to restart your personal fire
But now your goal
Is to be like the healing hare of old
You know it not fair 
But once again you need to be reborn as Greyhare!!!

Some of you may think that I hate Draft. Thats the farthest thing from my mind or hate Diego untrue. As Draft knows I am unable to knowing hurting anyone specially him. Yes we tried to make it a threesome. I try to do out of love for Draft. Yes I can be a lusty creature specially trying to please Draft or trying bond with Diego. But let it be know that I never did anything without him being present. He stay with me so long not out of love for me, but for honoring his word. When reading his last 2 journals and notice  how far down the ranking I was and that the bedroom activities were just work with no love. It just explain everything about us stressing each other out. Now that I'm able to think things out more logically I know your breakup was for the best (love needs to go both directions or it will not work). That I truly wish them the best together. If I had let Draft bring Diego into my house. I most  likely would experience a new emotion. That of jealous and it would have been with Diego. So we would have a worst breakup and hurt Diego in the process. Just another thing Diego was trying to love me. So let me go on the record as saying he a great guy and in the future we will be good friends it just takes time.

Hollyfox, Wolfie and several other furs have been helping me with cleaning out my dads house to get it ready to sell (this is another stress in my life at the moment). Also to help me get thru the pain of the breakup. So I would like to thank everybody from the bottom of my heart.Specially to Hollyfox who spent over 40 hours at dads house cleaning and helping me out now at my place as well.


Next problem since this my first real relationship. Yea I know it's hard to Believe.  Will be seeing Draft and Diego together and happy at future events. It just make me remember that someone you love is happier with someone else and you have not mate. I will not be mad, but just sad and depressed over it. This cannot be avoided without me removing myself from all activities. From what I have read staying at home would not be good for my healing.

Last the future for over 30 years I have been alone. I never try to find a mate because Of the inability to love another person.I tried several other social activities was unable to bond with anybody and had few friends. But October of 2012 something happened. I starting rapidly losing my eyesight in my left eye when driving to fangcon. So we had to stop in Little Rock, so that I could fly back ASAP.  I was diagnosed with a detached retina requiring surgery early the next morning to save my eyesight. While I was laying in bed blind in my eye trying to heal. One furry came along online and stirrup unknown emotions in me. So I finally found out that I could truly love someone. Which lead to Draft and me being together. What I'm saying is that I do want a mate in my future. But due to my age, that I have a house and a stable job until I retire. It limits the possible number of furries down a lot. I'm looking for a mate not to become someones sugarfurry (if you are interested in green and not grey than stay away).

Ps 

To everybody 
I do not want ppl to feel they need to pick sides in this breakup. 

To ppl that do not know me personally 
I will let you make up your mind what kind of person that I am. 

To Diego 
I do not want you to feel that you caused the problem. Please forgive me about not having you come live with me. I started thinking after you were down that things had a high possibility of going wrong and hurting you. You are a nice person and want to be close friends in the future.

To Draft
Sorry about the texting, bad sex and other issues. After things calm down I want you to be my best friend . I wanted you to be my mate not to cause you so much pain and bad feeling that drove to find someone else. For that there no words that I can express to tell you how sorry I am. Also I will not destroy or remove any pictures/videos of you or us together. For in time I will come to enjoy them again.

Forgive for me for any spelling or other issues.

I guess for Draft to be my mate
Was never really going to be my fate
Now what to do 
Cause I feel the fool
For his happiness 
I need to endured  great sadness
Now that I lost my main support 
Do I need to build a mental fort
Feeling internally so lone
It cuts me to bone
Before this date 
He already taken a new mate
To continue on is going to be hard
For my heart has been Marred
How will I continue 
When I see him at every venue
Not really sure 
How to put up with this anymore
In my house 
Starting to feel like a mouse
In a future  date
Will most likely will not be a mate
In the past I was bold
Now I just feel really old
Laying in bed 
Just makes me dead
I hope when wearing my main 
Goes not create to much pain 

Just want to let everybody that  draftstallion2005 and me are no longer mates. Our relationship has been stressful for the both of us for sometime. Since draft has stronger feeling for someone else I felt it was better to let him go so that he could be happy. Love can never be one sided.  So we decided to end it,  draft will continue to live here until he is able to get a new place. As for my future I'm unsure at this time. I'm going to work on the problem with painful standing cause by stress, try to continue with the dancing at S4. More than likely will cut back on furcons until I find someone to go with. Also would like to thank everybody for their support.

Will I look for another mate? Most  likely. Yes I want to have someone special in my live again. I do not want to be alone for the rest of my live. How long do I think it will take? Due to my age a long time. I will not move my root are to deep here. I will likely live out the rest of my life in the house that I'm in now.

Will we remain friends? Yes I still love him but his love for Someone else is stronger. It will he hard to continue to see him and with His new mate coming in the future it will be very difficult. 

How do I feel? Crushed, sad and alone .

Well went to see Godzilla Sunday the 16th Draft , Pawsome and I  got into Line and set down waiting for them to let us in. When they started letting ppl enter the theater I got up. First thing I notice was I could not feel or able control my left leg. So I almost felt. After getting seated  Draft drops the popcorn all over the floor. I think it made me laugh that started to make my blood pressure drop to a seriously low level. Now I notice that my vision in both my eyes rapidly starts going and the sounds around me too, I wait for what for what 15 seconds my sight is not coming back and the rest of my body does not feel right. I am scare at this point and yell get me out of here now. I get up and fall into the seat next to me. By this time I was lost my able to walking as well. It was quite the struggle for me to make it to the bottom step  of the theater even with assistance. By this point I may have blacked out. The next thing I remember was we were across the lobby and I was laying on the floor with draft and several kind ppl assisting. By now I was starting to feel a bit better. They call paramedics, so I just tried to relax. The paramedics started checking me out. They notice that my bp was a bit low. They loaded me into the ambulance did a EKG. It turned  out to be ok.after 10 minutes in the ambulance I felt fine and release me . I thanked them for their professions assistance, along with the manager of the theater. Even with the bad experience I came way with something else there truly are kind and helping ppl around you in this world. At least 3 strangler assistance me and came to my aid in the theater, the manager stayed with me until I was released. The manager gave us replacement ticket that was nice. The paramedics said there would not charge for their service since they did not transport me anywhere. 

Again I with like thank Draft  the love of my life and pawsone for being there for me and sorry to scare you both. I know it hard on you to see me in that state and not knowing what to do. I have been in your place many times with my parents.  

Last just finished seeing my doctor about low blood pressure. So we adjust the bp medicine to a lower dosage to fix the problem long term.

Yesterday I got the OK from Oncor to turn on my solar panels at my house and dad's. So I decided to start at dad's place his system rated at 9.750KW .So I turn on the inverter next the circuit breaker to the house panel and last the outside power switch to the solar panes. The inverter then came up in set mode require me to set it to 240VN. The system started self test for about 5 minutes. Due to it being near the end of the day the system only produced .1KW of power. But the system was operational enought for me to connect it to the internet for remote monitoring. Currently the system has produced 10.80KWH of power today and 33 of the 39 panels do not have direct sun for another 30 minutes.

FYI the system did not cost me even a penny. Just promised to buy all the power it produces for the next 20 years at a lower rate than what I was paying. The systems are rate to supply 98% of the house power. If I need more I buy and sell extra power from another power company of my chioce.

 Well as some of you may know I was diagnose with a serious condition that if it continued. I could die or by required to be hooked to a machine several times a week to keep me alive. Also it would suck all the energy out of my body. Leaving me unable to enjoy live. But Greyhare would not let me give in to this condition. Over the past 15 months Greyhare has help me from becoming blind in my left eye  twice and  healed  my back. Last week I got a letter from my doctor that my blood chemistry is changing that my kidneys are starting to get better. Also my blood pressure is now in the low normal range and other positive changes. Even before the Greyhare   fursuit  was created. I knew he would have the power to heal.  It turns out his power is far greater than  in my dreams. Currently both Draft and Greyhare continue to help me with the things that I going thru in real life.

It's now been a month since my father passing. This will be the last of my sad journals for a while I hope. I writing this because sad things do happen and it's really no one's fault. It just part of life so what counts is how  we move on to better our self and others. 

It was my father's wish to be buried with full military honor. So I arranged it, on Thursday January 16 at 8:30am at the federal cemetery in Dallas Texas. I honored his request. We had seven airmen take his Casket for the hurst to the open building. Then the airmen started the slow process of folding the flag that covered his casket. By this point I started crying but Draft was there to comfort me.  They had a little problem folding the flag so it seemed to take forever to complete. Next the airmen with the flag come over to where I'm seating kneel down to present me with the flag. Then all airmen disappear behind the building and reappear with rifles. Next they fire the rifles three times and gather the spend shells.  Followed by the playing of taps again I started crying becuase it was such strong reminder of dad's death. One of the airmen come over to hand me three used shells. Last was the the service by the pastor which was short but nice. So everything went fine I had Draft, close friends, my aunt and uncle with me.

 But just before we left for the cemetery at the funeral home and the casket closed forever. I placed family pictures of the past. Also for the changes in my life in recent years I placed a picture of me dressed as Greyhare and a rl picture of Draft and me together to represent the future.

The last weekend got the call that I have been fearing for over 5 years. It was a call from Clay my friend and dads caregiver. Stating that dad was dying and to get hospice in. I notice over Christmas that dad could hardly eat and barely drink. He seem to still recognize me as his son, but was unable to communicate his needs more so that usual. So last Sunday I call hospice to come out to verify what we have fear. It only took few minute to confirm it. So I started hospice for him yesterday and went to the funeral home. Draft was with me as we picked out his casket and other things. He has a lot help in my time of need. I had mixed feeling happy that he will finally be release for the body that's would not let him move the right side of his body and unable to communicate his needs very well. It been hard caring for him all this time with his bed being in prison that he can never escape from. But it always hard for us to watch someone we love die. Even when we know it for the best. For the ppl that really know me this so very hard because of my empathy for others and specially for anyone close to me. It making me suffer greatly mentally. Which brings up the other thing about me my mind body connection is very strong. If my mental state happy I'm feel good and my spirit is at peace and center. If I'm sad I suffer pain in my body. That is express as pain in my kidneys and gout in my joints. So I'm going to try hard not to think of my dad too much and move my mental state to a more neutral state to keep my body from being hurt.

This is the first of the outdoor series of videos.