At the time of typing, it isn't quite the new year for me. About 2.5 hours until it, in fact. But, seeing as all the people I stal... I mean watch here, and those who I've known for awhile, even if they seem to have started denying my existence have done it, I guess I should do a New Year's journal as well. Yay! Peer pressure!

Firstly, to get it out of the way, and so I don't forget and end up making a second journal for it anyway: I wish everyone luck and good health in the new year.

Now, most people probably have come up with resolutions that they will inevitably break at some point in the new year. This is why I dislike resolutions, they're an all or none thing. I prefer to give myself guidelines as to how to try and make the new year slightly better for myself and/or others.

My guidelines:
Actually draw in freetime instead of getting busy reading about other people's lives and finding another free MMO to keep me entranced for a month at a time. This one is cheating, since I have drawing classes this coming semester.

Stop acting like people who really aren't my friends are. I hate the throwing around of the word friend that many many people do. You met me online, know me for a month, and want me to do something for you? You're an acquaintance, we both know it. You know me for six years, have treated me horribly for most of the time I've known you, you say we'll do something and then proceed to ignore me for a whole month after that? I should have stopped being around you a LONG time ago. I guess I'm gullible when it comes to needing the contact of others.

This leads me into a fun one. Try to look at the world in a slightly more positive light. HA. Everyone knows I'm pessimistic... or if you didn't, you do now. The fact is, anytime something remotely, and I mean remotely good happens to me, something about ten times in the opposite direction will happen to even it out. I find a penny on the ground? I'll fail a class because the teacher suddenly decides they don't like me. I get straight A's on a report card? A truck will hit me on my way home. This is the way my life has always been, and probably will always be. Right now, the only bright side I can see is I haven't died yet.

Two more: Speak my mind more. This one will be another fun one, as when I do speak my mind, people tend to get pissed. Not a resolution, but an additional part to this one will be "don't worry about rewording". Some people know, those that don't will probably never know, but before I say anything, be it in real life or on some video game, if you've said something to me about something I said awhile back, I will proceed to think every sentence over 10 times before I speak it, rewording it each time to make it as non-offensive as I can. It honestly pisses me off more than being informed something I say was taken the wrong way, but if I speak my mind more, people will probably like me less. C'est la vie. I'm stopping that because it makes me more angry than it makes the people around me pleased.

The last one, and this will encompass everything I've said already, more or less... is to be me. No pretending to be happy when I want to rip the guy in front of me a new one. No pretending to be sad for someone when I have no feelings about what they just experienced. Yeah, I'm sorry for you, bur I'm not going to cry over someone I never knew. No pretending to be offended when all I want to do is roll on the floor and laugh at your sorry rear end.

Looking at these, it may seem like I'm a sociopath or a jerk. Maybe I am, who's to say? The fact is, these are my guidelines for the next year. They encompass what I'd like to start doing in my life.

Saying goodbye to you from 2k9
-Greywords

Yeah, yeah, so I suck, I need more art, I need to hang out more...

Meh. I blame all of YOU who say we'll do stuff and then choose to cancel. ALL OF YOU!!!!

In other news, I'll actually have time to work on my art again during winter break and the whole next semester, as I'm actually doing art, potentially as electives, possibly as my degree.

<3 you all
-Grey~

There comes a few times in everyone's lives when they don't know how to react to something. Some people, quite a few who I know, drink. Some people cry, some people try to calm the others who are crying.

For me, death is one of those things. For pets, I've cried. For my great-grandmother I was angry, this was because I was kept in the dark about it for a long while after it happened. Last year my grandmother died, the one I live near, anyway. I was completely jaded.

Today, a friend of sorts died, judging by age difference he was about 25. No one deserves to die that young. We had our spats with each other, he hated things I did, as I did him. Really, it was like a normal friend relationship. I can't find myself feeling sad though. It's not that I'm heartless, but I really just don't feel anything. My friends are, or at least one of them is, planning to get all of us together to talk about it. Maybe it's just a feeling of melancholy I have, not real sadness, but not quite apathy, but I don't think I should get together. Given my horribly morbid sense of humor, I'm more afraid of treading roots there than anything.

To be fair he was prone to seizures and forgot/didn't take his medication on occasion. That may have caused his untimely end. I wish I knew more details, but I'm the last on the grapevine of my friends, so it'll slowly trickle down to me, not that it'll matter.

Like I said earlier (I ended up having a break in the middle of writing this). I really don't know how to handle death tenderly. I'm always sorry for someone's loss, but I am highly jaded towards it. Again, though, I have a morbid sense of humor, which made me actually smile and get out of the slight melancholy that had overtaken me. Unfortunately what made me smile was a statement about my deceased friend, which is why I fear I'll tread roots I shouldn't.

Rest in peace, those who have fallen. We will remember you fondly.
~TJ

Stolen from I don't know where~

Fire
[] If you get in my way I'll POUND YOU!
[x] I confide in my Passion!
[] I can beat anyone with my superior will!
[] I don't like to wait to get what I want.
[] I like warm weather and lots of sun.
[] Caution is not worth sacrificing efficiency, in some cases.
[] I have a short temper.
[x] I like Spicy/Savory food. And it's gotta be hot!
[x] It's important to fight for what's right! Very much!
[x] Music should be fast and powerful. It should make me want to dance!
Total: 4

Water:
[x] If you get in my way, I'll just go around you.
[x] Versatility is invaluable.
[x] I can overcome anything with my superior wit.
[x] I'll get what I want using a method you hadn't considered.
[x] I like when it rains.
[x] I'll help you if you need it, but don't get greedy.
[] I'm willing to bend my morals for the sake of progress.
[x] I like food that soothes my body. Like how you can feel water run all the way into your belly.
[x] A solution can be found with diplomacy.
[x] Music should be soft and soothing, but also focused if that makes sense.
Total: 9

Earth:
[] If you get in my way, I'll get in your way!
[x] I center myself on Focus!
[x] I can't be overcome by anything. I'll stay right here until you give up!
[x] I can wait for what I want.
[x] I like cool mornings and lazy evenings.
[] I bet I could beat you in a staring contest. Don't lose focus!
[x] I won't sacrifice my morals for anything. I have them for a reason.
[x] I like earthy/savory foods. Like heavy breads and red meat.
[x] I respect devotion and order.
[x] Music should be strong and steady. Like the beat of your heart.
Total: 8

Air:
[] You can't get in my way. Haha!
[x] I believe in total freedom!
[] I already have everything I could want.
[x] It's impossible to stop me, because I'm not limited by the same things as you.
[x] I like a refreshing breeze on a warm day. With lots of white clouds.
[] I live in the moment and act on my impulsive desires.
[] What's the point in getting angry? Just have fun!
[x] I like light and sweet foods, like sweet breads and water-based broths.
[] I'll do anything to be free and happy.
[x] Music should dance in my ears and remind me of what it's like to cut loose.
Total: 5

Nature:
[x] Oh! Am I in your way? Let me move.
[x] I believe life should be cherished above all other things.
[x] I will submit for now, but I will never give up.
[x] If I play my cards right, everything I want will be provided for me.
[x] I like windy days that make the trees sway and whisper.
[x] I will not hesitate to help you if I am able.
[x] Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I will fight for that right only.
[x] I love fresh fruit and vegetables.
[] I would compromise before I would argue.
[x] Music should be honest and gentle like leaves blowing in the autumn wind. Or the creaking of a great tree.
Total: 9

Ice:
[x] If you get in my way once, I'll find another way. If you do it again, I'll kill you.
[x] My strength is drawn from Clarity and Understanding.
[x] Come winter, you'll freeze to death, and I won't have to bother with you.
[x] I'll endure much suffering to get what I want.
[x] I love cold, cloudless days.
[x] Your problems aren't my problems. Bother someone else.
[x] I'm not easily impressed.
[x] I like cold and sweet foods. Like cold soups and shaved ice.
[x] Justice is indefinite you fool.
[x] Music should have clear, bold sounds. Like bells.
Total: 10

Lightning:
[] Try getting in my way! I'll blast right past you!
[] Confidence is key! I just lose it and forget to check under my doormat, sometimes.
[] I don't stop until I win!
[] I don't like waiting for what I want. If it takes to long, I'll find something else.
[] I'd prefer not getting rained on, but I love thunder and lightning.
[x] I'll do anything for my friends.
[] I'm easily excited
[x] I love sour!
[x] I'll fight tooth and nail for my pride!
[] Music should be fast and upbeat. Techno and Electrodance baby!
Total: 3

Darkness:
[] Don't ever cross my path.
[] I draw my strength only from myself.
[x] I'm not afraid to be underhanded.
[x] All I want is for people to leave me alone. (Sometimes)
[x] I like the night. And the shade during the day.
[] People like Batman's The Joker, and Naruto's Orochimaru are my idols.
[] If there is no profit in it, I don't do it.
[x] I like salty and bland foods. Potatoes are a must.
[] I would be an executioner.
[x] Music should be low and slow. I should feel the darkness of the composer's heart in the beat.
Total: 5

Light:
[] No obstacle shall obscure my righteous path.
[x] Justice and Loyalty are of the utmost importance.
[x] Valor will overcome all forms of treachery.
[x] I want to see peace throughout the world.
[x] I love warm sunny days where the wind blows across the golden fields.
[] I find the world to be dismal and seek to correct it.
[x] People have called me stuck up.
[x] I appreciate food that is prepared with hard work and love.
[x] Those who are wrong must be corrected!
[x] Music should be beautiful and imposing. Drum, Trumpet, Piano, Harp, Flute, etc... are lovely.
Total: 8

Space:
[x] I know all the alternate paths. No one can get in my way for long.
[x] I pride myself on my Awareness.
[x] I just want to enjoy the scenery.
[] My tastes change often, so getting things I want is sometimes a chore.
[x] I like wide open spaces. Like sparsely treed fields and big houses.
[] I would prefer to travel than live in one place.
[x] Don't crowd me!
[] I like things you can eat a lot of without getting full.
[] I'll fight for the best seat in the house.
[x] Music should be grand and boisterous. It should echo!
Total: 5

Time:
[x] If you get in my way, I'll wait for you to leave and come back.
[] Among all things, Patience is the most valuable.
[x] I can outlast anyone at (almost) anything.
[x] Everything is finite. I'll take what I get and leave what I don't.
[x] As long as it's convenient to me, I like any weather, for the most part, anyway.
[x] People should go out of their ways to spend time enjoying things.
[x] I can easily become lost in thought.
[x] I like hardy, filling foods.
[] I don't bother fighting over things. People will eventually wear themselves out.
[x] Music should be timeless. Enjoyable by all people through the ages.
Total: 8

So, um. Yeah. Ice, Water, Nature, Earth, Time, and Light. I guess it works out, I'm not openly cold, as you can see by my several different "if you get in my way" answers. Ice and Water both relate to my sign and my ability to 'change state' if you will. Earth and Nature are rather peaceful and strong. Time is realistic, for the most part, with some idealism. And I guess Light, in these terms, would represent my stubbornness, since I'm not absolutely stubborn about many things.

Relaxing to see yourself spilled out in the open occasionally~

So, I figured since there's been no art from me, mainly because I haven't had the time to relax due to job searching. (In before Kysh says "And laziness") I'd put up the only artistic thing I've done in awhile, for my friends birthday (today, 5/3).

Elsewise, I'll probably cross post a couple of things that never made it here from my dA account and call it good for awhile. Thank you for your time.

[ ] public speaking
[ ] staying single forever
[ ] Rejection
[ ] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[ ] being myself in front of others (I should mark this one, but it's not a fear, it's more people around me have an irrational habit of not knowing the meaning of what I'm saying unless I say it several times, or I spend about 4 minutes thinking of how to reword it...)
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[ ] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] fish
[X] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] that scary guy...
[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[X] deep water (Surprisingly, only in video games, with exception to being startled when I'm in deep water myself. You know, that causes a panic, which makes you stop, and your feet try to feel for ground and can't find any, it's a freak out more than a fear, but it's bad enough...)
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[ ] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats
[ ] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[ ] heaven
[ ] being robbed
[ ] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls
[ ] large crowds of people (Don't fear them, just can't be around them, pounding headaches and such)
[ ] men
[ ] women
[ ] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[ ] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[ ] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[ ] becoming blind
[ ] becoming deaf
[ ] growing up
[ ] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[ ] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secret

Final Total: 2

If you wish to post this in your journal, it's been requested that you title it I'm afraid of __ out of 75 common fears.

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you're fearless.
People who don’t have any are liars.

I know that FA is definitely not the place to make life decisions, what, with all the constant drama and what-not, but, I currently don't have another place I can write this stuff out without it being seen by more people involved in it than I want to.

Let's start a bit locally. Yeah, I complained about a friend in my last journal... but now my friends are separated into three categories: The first, who will be the only local one that sees this here, is the pointless... He comes over, complains about being bored, makes comments about how he could be bored at home and leaves. This is irritating beyond all compare, if you don't want to flipping come over then DON'T. It's not like I forced you to anyway. To be fair, you were 6 hours late, you could have just said "I can't make it".

The second category is the small group that need to choose their words better. The one from last journal fits into this category as well. I've had them complain about the free room I host for them when they want to do pen and papers, I've had them consider every little thing I do as 'drama'. You'd think they never suffered from a moment of depression ever, and yet, when you do, everything becomes drama. -_-

The third, local, category are the people I don't see often enough. For the most part, I can't feel bad about this, the majority of the people I don't see live on the complete other side of town, a 2 hour transit. Most of the ones closer to me, I don't hang out with due to drug abuse on their part. "You keep it out of my business, and I'll stay out of yours."

To the other half of my world, the online half, there's really only two categories: Those I play WoW with, and those I only talk to. Those I play WoW with are, well... there's not a lot I can say, they're very bipolar in action, though not in actuality. They also choose to ignore some important details, such as limitations or what people have been doing with them. Not much else to say about this.

The rest of you: I deeply enjoy talking to you, though for the majority, it's not really talking... I act online like I do in real life when I'm not around people that expect me to speak endlessly about what they want to talk about. Actions speak louder than words, and everyone speaks louder than me. I feel bad when I'm just doing a lot of actions, but it's how I am in real life. I'm happy? I'm quiet. Sad? Quiet. Angry? If I'm a little angry I'll rant and rave for a while, but if it's deep anger, I'm really quiet. I only talk when I have to, and I apologize for bringing that into my refuge, if only because I don't get the opportunity for it in the real world anymore.

Now, as for myself, I don't want to touch on this too deeply, since I could delve infinitely into it. I still feel bad for having to put on a facade for so long, back when I was younger and had to lie about my personal life a lot because of what I was taught. I feel really guilty about this to the three of you that have been around since my early days here, in the small corner of the furry community I've ingrained myself in. I am sorry.

As for the rest of me, I express my feelings very little, though I do know I express a few important ones very loudly, even if one of them is from holding onto a fleeting dream... Even if I know it'll eventually shatter to pieces, I still hold on.

Anyway, I think that's all that is on my mind for now, and hopefully this will tide me over for a while. I start a new job tomorrow, so I don't honestly know what my availability will be, I just hope that I can deal with these people in my own way without being reprimanded.

Thank you for reading.
-TJ

Ever have those days where it feels like the world is falling apart around you?

Now ever have one of those days where you wish it were legal to stab someone?

Ever have them both in the same time frame? Welcome to my world. Not really an "OMG, DePrEsSiON EMO!" thing. I just happen to have local friends who treat me like an afterthought, a detail, and after so many years of sucking it up and taking it, it's started affecting me. I mean, honestly... here's an example.

A plan was hatched that would have started at 10 pm. The plan was laid down at 3 pm. 7 hours to call and inform me that they were cancelled. 10 pm rolls around, nothing, everything's still going down. 10:30, I start to wonder. 11pm, I take a walk because I'm pissed off, 8 hours to call until I left, nothing. I get back about an hour later, half an hour after that the person in charge of the half of the plan that wasn't a place to do it in talks to me... on a video game. So, almost 10 hours after the plan was hatched, 3 hours after it should have happened, and 2 hours after I figured they canceled on me without saying a word, the co-planner begins talking to me, I'm already pissed at him by this point, and there's not even an apology.

I mean, seriously, you have me wait for 8 hours for a plan that uses my residence, and then cancel on me without telling me ANYTHING and then you don't even apologize afterward?

Worst part: This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. I wish I could blame it on substance abuse or -something- but this is how they normally are. Does no good for me to try and fix or train or... other operative words here them, because it just happens again a couple months later.

Anyway, been posting minor things at my dA page as I make them... I figure they don't technically belong here as they aren't furry oriented, know I could post them but... meh.

Hopefully I'll feel a bit better now that I've gotten to complain to... well.. air, since I think a whole two people will read this. xP Apologies for anyone who takes offense to that.

-TJ

Stole it from... I... don't... know?

Take the quiz here: http://www.flarn.com/~warlock/tarot/ And the post your result in your journal, simple, no?

You are the Hanged Man

Self-sacrifice, Sacrifice, Devotion, Bound.

With the Hanged man there is often a sense of fatalism, waiting for something to happen. Or a fear of loss from a situation, rather than gain.

The Hanged Man is perhaps the most fascinating card in the deck. It reflects the story of Odin who offered himself as a sacrifice in order to gain knowledge. Hanging from the world tree, wounded by a spear, given no bread or mead, he hung for nine days. On the last day, he saw on the ground runes that had fallen from the tree, understood their meaning, and, coming down, scooped them up for his own. All knowledge is to be found in these runes.

The Hanged Man, in similar fashion, is a card about suspension, not life or death. It signifies selflessness, sacrifice and prophecy. You make yourself vulnerable and in doing so, gain illumination. You see the world differently, with almost mystical insights.

I got tagged... I should've expected it from doing these as updates to my dA journal... but... argh.

1 . YOUR REAL NAME:
I'm gonna do this for both names, my given name is Thomas (for now), but the only people who call me that are people who don't know or care for me... and when certain requirements have been met, I will be changing my name to TJ.

2 . YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)
Thoizzle? xD It would be Tomizzle... which isn't that much better... I can kinda accept Teejizzle though.

3 . YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)
Green Lizard... or Purple Lizard... Teal Snake? Let's make a chart:
Choose one from each row:
Teal Green Purple Lavender Black Silver Gray Gold
Snake Lizard

Yeah... no.

4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
Tulth or Gretj/Tultj... eww.


5. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink)
Gray Cream Soda. D=

6. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name)
Hledaslis... Oh gods. Jealtjrds

7.YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (both parents middle names)
Unlike my tagger, I'll give this information, not like you'll be able to find anything out that you couldn't from other ones. xP Paul Denee

8. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black _______ (I have no pets. Dx) Hrm... Technically it'd be Black Behr (Bear) as he was the only pet I ever really loved... even when he did extremely stupid things.

Instead of tagging, let's play a fun game! Everyone who reads this, take a shot at my full name. It won't be that hard, my middle name is a common one, and I give you all of my last name in the data above. xP

So, the new year came in with not a bang, but a whimper, as I lay, head under my blankets, suffering from Proto-flu I got only a couple days prior. I still live, as you see, but I've been having 10-20 hours of sleep a day (no, this is really not an exaggeration, I was awake for long enough to get my "Welcome to the new year" kisses from family and passed out again) so I haven't had much time to say... draw, consider resolutions... talk much... complain about not getting to talk to people (because with how little I've been awake, I wouldn't be surprised if they've been on daily and I've just slept through it).

Resolutions for my art:
More of it, dammit. Nothing as crazy as some of my friends, specifically one doing one fully finished image each day this year starting... 2 days ago.

Reach a style I can accept. I'm not going to be like all the people who decided their stuff was too anime-ish, no, screw that, I'm NOT removing all of my work with a scrap of anime influence behind it, but I should be working towards something I like a bit more in the next few weeks.

Weighted Companion Cubes. I will draw them, I will receive them, I will fave images of them without commenting. This is as much a warning as a promise.

Not quite a resolution... but maybe I'll get off my ass and do all the fanart I've imagined.


Elsewise, anyone who knows of a few good games, make a list, comment with it, or note me... My preferences lean towards Megaman (specifically, not platformers in general), Strategy, RPGs, and maybe hack and slash if it's on a system I own, but I want a general list, I don't care what system. And no, Halo 3 will not be accepted.

Thanks and hope everything turns out fine for all.
~TJ

Well, I finally got something up here that isn't about as old as I am... Or... at least from as far back as I care to remember my art from.

Yeah, I know only one person's watching me, and yes, I know that you have me watched, but I still have a need to validate myself everyone once in awhile.

Well, since I can't keep my head straight art-wise, I'm still doing stuff at my dA, feel free to visit, comment, remember that I only seem to exist to a scant few... yeah...

-TJ

So, I'm still lazy on the are frontier. Meh. I have some in the works, it's mostly the lack of wanting to color that's setting me back... well, that and the darned arm on the one that would've been colored if my comp didn't decide to crash when I saved the cleaned version.

Excuses excuses, that's all I'm good for.

Until the next time I have an update
~Greywords

I've had this issue at dA... my own fault though.

I will one day have art here. That day, however, will have to wait until I'm done messing around with stylistic choices and coloring. -_-;;