I don't hate you.
But i understand if im too much to bare.

Even though i sometimes blame my "faults" they are still true.
Im sorry that it came to this though .. because i really enjoyed doing stuff with you ..

But if you choose that it is better to forget, then i will understand ..
I tried to give you the space you needed, but what happended struck me in here.

I still try to be the best i can be, kindness.. soothness.. and support. It is what i know i can do.

I lost my second friend .. i bid you farewell, friend number 2.


Im sorry ..

Im sorry i have to be all negative in my journal again, but as i said in the earlier journal: It really helps me to speak out like this.

What im about to write is simply a text about how i discovered myself, and who i am .. and how im seen in general. If it bores you too much, dont bother reading, im not here to take your time.


Some of this might sound familiar in any other journal i have made, but im sorry if it does, im just going to tell it anyways.



Ever since i joined fa, alot of strange .. new things have happened to me... but lets start way back when i acturally started this whol vore thing ..

Back on Ekas portal, i followed alot as a 18 year old .. alot of hot stuff appeard there.. Vore was .. quite the fetish for me, and i spend alot of time checking for uploads and stuff, just to have some fun ..

I usually favorited stuff like .. unbirth and .. general oral vore back then, but so much have happended, i get back to that ..
When i decided to acturally make a user on Ekas portal, i were quite a horrible artist. I drew only mange and anime characters, and gave em horrible names xD .. it was quite fun though.

I uploaded nearly everyday and i started to get a few watchers... some of em, very chatty c: ..

My quality of art were .. as i said, horrible, and i even disliked it myself. But i kept uploading, comming up with craaazy ideas from my mind, and what im really into at the point where i drew the artwork. I was very horny .. but also lonely.

Thing is, i couldnt talk to girls at all.. yep, its very true, and to be honest .. i think i acturally still can. It might sound sad to you .. but really, i have a good lifestyle, and my family is very supportive <3 .. But i still have my social issue with ever talking to girls.

Im not trying to barrier them .. and label em something different .. we are all humans, and there shouldnt be anything different about it but to be one self. But im still anxious.


Im very shy, silent, happy.. but i cant get it out of my head that, i need that extra soul in my life.


I started to draw mlp vore on ekas after years of break, and i gained tons of watchers and i passed 1000000 pageviews ( .. you are all so awesome! <33 i love you all!).. just before that, i decided to continue my uploading here on Furrafinity! a place i never acturally thought i would be, kind of wierd.

(Before any thought starts, bear in mind that im an open person, and i would never judge anyone on their kinks, behaviour or looks, i love furries aswell as any other person <3 )


First, alot of curious watchers arrived, and then some old watchers i had from Ekas portal. I had a really good time! i never really drew that much up untill that point! i made SO meny works, and it kept being enjoyable because of my watchers joining my stream and make me laugh all the time!


Of course, it lasted long, but i ended up feeling, lonely again. I got bored of drawing and started to do em with large breaks between em. I ended up just .. sitting and played League of legends all day with my friends, it was lots of fun, but later in the evenings, i feel cold and lonely. I didnt have anybody to talk to there.


One day i stumbled upon some chatty lizard, and im sure you guys know who it is, so im not gonna put so much detail in that.
One thing you guys didnt know was that .. it also happended to be my very first love in my life.

yes, i havent had a girlfriend before that point.



Alot of good months went by, and i felt happy, and im sure she did too.

Here is where some discoveries begin.. i shouldnt hold back, im still a virgin, and i probably will be for untill whatever, but its beside the point. Thing is that, i discovered that, my anxiety wasnt gone, i still couldnt talk to girls ..

This caused a problem, and i got afraid and did something very very stupid.. i wont go in details .. and you dont need em.


Things escalated, and we broke up, it was me breaking up, i dont wanna change anything ...


I really liked her, so me breaking up would sound crazy right? .. well .. it is crazy .. i shiver at the thought of what i did.
But whatever happended, i broke any trust in me, and i understand that .. but the more i think about it .. the more i get afraid of myself.

Im afraid that i might never be able to make a girl happy. I discovered that im a hopeless romantic.
I want to be the perfect guy, but its out of reach, i cannot do it, my anxiety wont let me recover and take on a new challenge .. i tried my best to find accept from others or her in the way i am.

I swear, i never intent to hurt anyone .. not even when i broke up. I was scared, afraid .. a chicken .. i started to worry of bonding .. i pushed her away and we didnt speak ..for long.


Those weeks, i constantly thought of what i did.. and how she felt .. i cried and felt i have just done some terrible misstake ...

and it was a terrible misstake .. cuz it turns out, that any trust in me, was broken..
All of this .. is past now, and now i wanna talk about what is more .. recently happening around me:


I have been alone for so long now .. but me and her are still good friends, and i desire to be her friend for as long time ticks... but even though we talk and draw together .. i still feel an empty burning in me .. something that wont go away.. im still lonely. I tasted love, and i want one i can hold dear .. one i can protect and really learn to know... thats all i want.


But i still fear .. i fear my anxiety will throw me off an edge again. My clumsyness make it a challenge for me, or if anybody would even like me as i am.

People say .. that im a good person, a lovable person and i believe i am, and i probably allways will.
Im not angry, im smiling, and i love to make others happy. and when others are down, i feel that too..

Even thought my personality gives an impression that im a good guy .. I cant help but fear of what others think of me. Thats why i usually shelter myself, becuase i cant ignore what people think of me .. i get stressed and i take .. drastic and sometimes wrong actions .. ones that make me seem even stupider than before .. and when that happens, things turn alot worse .. and i acturally look like a real douché ..

this is why i feel so misunderstood.. I just want a hug sometimes.

Okey, the time has come for me to clean up my skype for good.


Please, do NOT feel ffended if you are removed from my list, i simply feel there is too much in my mind, stress and whatnot, too much information just having to meny contacts.


Also, i might have to change some things on my fa and ekas account, i feel like i have ALOT of missing information on both sites.

Something tells me im gonna be playing this game, ALOT! and i feel i am going to be more active here on FA abit more untill then!

Meny things have happened over the past few weeks! one being housing a friend! and the other being adapting to it all! I feel abit renewed and ready to continue my "artspree" abit more, starting slowly.

I admit though, traditional seems appealing to me right now, i feel i learn some great cutting-edge basics here!


Anyways, sorry for the fairly inactive behavior and very dull journal that have been as a ghost on my front page xD Thank you for understanding sillies!


Things are gonna happen, and i will most certainly draw more ponies the near future, but beware of the great halt once hearthstone arrives on the market! ;3 probably gonna hibernate for awhile! HAH!

(OBS the text might be unclear and have typos, i am not good at describing)

I dont know why, but i just felt like writing this thing. Lately, alot have taken over my mind, after learning and discovering myself.

I dont talk to alot of people, and i have allways been nice, well i thought so ..
Its hard to point out, but when i didnt talk to any, i had this thing i kept telling myself:

"When i meet someone .. im gonna be tolerative .. i want to be the most open minded person .. i wont give him or her bounderies at all.. i want to be the one i am now, i want to be myself"

To be one self .. i learned the hard way that, it really is hard to be .. one self.


I have been encountering alot of emotion during the past time: Decieve, jalleouxy, anger, sadness..
Things i NEVER thought would be a problem for me AT ALL!

I was SURE i wouldnt turn out to be a jalleoux type, furthermore, i am known to be very happy on others behalfs ..
I was SURE i never ment to harm any of my friends, i could never hurt em or do anything to harm em .. but it still turned out that NOT talking, is a harm itself.

Anger. I never thought i would feel direct anger on another being. heck i even have a heart for most criminals and wanna know their past because i dont like judging others. But i also learned, that i am very judgemental.. I never thought of it, but most things i say, is acturally a label i put on another person..


Its a big open wound, to find out all of these things at once..

It hurts to know that, im not who i really think i am.


I have been afraid of talking for long, and when i did, i was confirmed being nice and all .. but in the long run, it turns out im much more a bad person, then i thought.


Its hard to make out and im not good at describing my feelings, but its really brining one down, to think of it.



I have gone so far, so far i cannot return, and convince people, that i am not who i show to be ..
I have shown jalleuxy, to such great extend, that i can no longer say, that i am not a jalleux person .. deep inside, im really not that person, and i hope i can reach out, and say that.. even if i have talked about said object before, and said why i was jalleoux.. i feel that im lost with this judgement placed on me, as a jalleux type.

I have talked to friends, and others who also follow my art and so, i made friends, but i lost em too, because i dont talk enough. I want to say it is as simple as it is, i have alot to talk to and i dont got time for it all.

This statement alone makes me an attentionist.. one i fear to be, i dont want to be like that, but i fear that it is what is happening. I try to talk to everyone as friends.. but when my messages gets short and uninterresting, it gets insulting for em, as if i dont interrest me in them and what they do ..but i simply dont have time.

Mind me, i play alot of games, most of the day, to relax and have fun. Alot asks me what i do, and i can sadly nly reply very shortly. This shows clear uninterrest, and it makes me sad to think of.


Have you ever felt that feeling .. that there is something you are very good at .. something you are certain you know about.. and then get to know, that its perhaps not what you are afterall? all this time? all this work just for nothing?

This is what im battling now.

Im not sure if i should try to defend my personality .. or accept that i am indeed a bad person.

http://www.livestream.com/lucyslair?t=698535

Hi! i just wanted to announce my friend lucy is streaming! we want all dwaggies, ponies and whatever inside to fill the thing and have fun! :3

http://www.livestream.com/gtsdevslivestream

Livestream up! will start drawing random stuffs in 30 min from now ^^

(OBS keep in mind that this text will be abit sloggy written and may have alot of errors in it)

Hai there.

As meny of you have probably noticed, there isnt much info about me on the web.I have thrown a blog here and there on ekas about myself, but i dont really feel that i have given enough info in depths of my personality and life. What im about to write will probably make you think abit different of me, than the one you thought i was, but to some, it will be very similar of what they have experienced.It is nothing new, that i draw NSFW stuff and livestreams too, but as you may have noticed, i do it very rarely, even when i sometimes tell someone that im going to draw something for them sometime.
I try to avoid making promisses, because i know myself well enough, that they are hard to keep because of my spontanious nature, this is in no way to be inrespectable of those i promissed to draw to, i just feel like doing whatever comes natural to me, everyday, what i want, when i want, if its possible.


I understand it have caused some .. trubble and confusion among some i know at least, but i have also tried to explain myself the best way i possibly can without assistance from anyone. I will reopen a description of myself, and open with my diagnosis, I have the asberger syndrome. It as formerly known to be a categori within the autism spectrum, but quickly became a more studied form of autism. Its a very wide spectrum, which differs from person to person, some persons, its easy to see, and others, not so much, and are firstly diagnosed in a later year, in my case, the age of 21. While some would think, that this would be bad news for me, i can sorta relate to what they mean, but in an honest view, i was so happy to recieve answer to my long lived question: Whats wrong with me? I had a great sense of relief, a burden lifted off my shoulders. At first, i was happy about it all, i could relax, but not a long time later, i was confused with the thought of "what now?"
Yes, at that time, i had problems accepting myself with the diagnosis, you might not believe it, but i were through a harsh depression a few months before i had my diagnoses, not after.


It all started at my job, i had just ended my 4 year education, and were hired as an industrial technician, one who works with CNC controlled machines to cut metal and whatso. I worked at a factory. During my apprentist periode, i worked hard, but oddly, i didnt find any reason, i just did. Most like a robot, and that was what i felt for a long time, i didnt feel depression, i didnt feel joy, i simply went. I were enlightened one day, and i began to look out at my homies at the work, i was repeating this thought in my head while i looked around: "what keeps em going? why do we do this?"
And day by day, it got worse, i found less and less meaning in what to do in general, to me, making money were .. a horrible reason to work.
I usually dreamt of working, just to get a smile, it was rare to me that time, to smile. I did simply not had the sense, of feeling rewarded, rewards ment nothing. One day, i chose not to leave the bed, i couldnt, i was frozen en the spot, i didnt want to take another step in that place i call my work, i made a very sudden quit and went into depression.


My deppresion were more sadness than anger, i were still harmless, and i wasnt feeling anger, or thoughts of rage towards the system or anything like that at all, i kept blaming myself, for being an outsider, and that pulled me deep down into a selfquestional abyss. I tore myself to be so insecure, i didnt know what i liked, i didnt know what to do, and i was afraid of everything. I lived home at my parents that time, and i still do today . They helped me abit, and we found a psychologist, but it seemed rather useless, sure, it helped for a few ours after the session, but it never gave any great answers, i couldnt focus or talk streight, its no wonder i couldnt get help if i didnt talk, and i was afraid to talk, because i didnt know what i was saying most of the time, i didnt know myself, so i didnt know the answers she questioned me. It ended after 14 sessions, with no forward step, and i got told, that she couldnt help me. It was a hard struck, but i kept visiting my docter, who i talk to regualy. He looked at me with inspecious eyes, and gave a sudden question: "Do you .. know what aspergers is?"

I was blank, i had never heard of the word, untill he said it. At first, i was just thinking: "yeah .. just label me something to make me feel my question is answered ..lie to me right .."

But as he told me more and more about it, i was .. not exited but, very curious, i wanted to know more about it, and that was a great feeling, just to have that thought of wanting to do something now, just that little rush, it was fantastic. I was curious, because in all that time, i felt alien in this world, i felt like everyone around me could relate somewhat to each others, but whenever i spoke, it ended up like some curled and twisted words only i could understand in my head.
However, the way my docter descripet it, it was so shocking, it was an exact description of how i was thinking and doing all the time, it was SO unreal.
He adviced me to go to a specialist, and see what he can say about me, and so i did.
I went to a specialist, who i should visit quite a few times before he made a final diagnosis, and it was positive, i had the aspergers syndrome.
During the next coupple of months, i felt, enlightened to know more about it, and see if, there are others than me, i arrived everytime i had a time at him, to learn more about it, and in the end, he asked if i wanted to visit a resolution center, where i can meet others as me, a place i can relate with others, and possibly, learn to cope with life in this state.
I agreed to the decision, but only just! i was terrified of the thought, i never meet people or talk or anything, i had a strong anxiety towards social life (a quite generic part of aspergers), but, he convinced me, that it was the best for me.


I met up, at the autismcenter, and saw all kinds of people there, they were all, so nice to me, a lightningstruck of happiness at first, but i shaked alot for the first 2 weeks, it was so terrifying. It may be abit hard for one to understadn the feeling.
I still have the social anxiety, but on a more controlled level now.
I never take downtown and drink with my friends, one reason is i dont drink, but mainly, the feeling of being surrounded by spontanious decision by my friends, ones i might not like, and not able to tell directly, it scares me deeply, so i avoid it, and i easily grew to dislike the city life.

One odd think about my sociality is, that i dont got problems buying stuff in the supermarket or watching a movie in the cinema or anything like that, not that i do it often, but i still do it sometimes. It has something to do with the focus of the people, we are all sitting in the room, focussing on the same thing, there is no thoughts tossing around about each others, there is something to do.

What i have a big problem is, mainly parties. Where people meet up and discuss what others have been doing, what others think about each other and what their social status are. This is the WORST case scenario for me, if i find myself in the middle of this, its hard to understand, but just tossing a thought about another, and share it, its terrifying in my head, my heart will skip fast and i continue to angst about what others thinks of me and the feeling of not knowing, makes it even more trubblish. I end up leaving very early, having problems to breath, i simply cannot stand it.

It have cause some problems with my irl mates, as they think its so odd, that a simply party request is declined by me, from time to time. They casually think that i dislike em and not want anything to do with em, and that is heartbreaking, because that is never my intention to show that.
I do what i can to maintain contact with em, through online connections, cellphone and games of all sorts and i even shared out my little diagnosis for them to understand. They respect my point of view, but they hardly understand it, because even though i do what i can, its easy to see, that they are having much much more fun, than with me, and i can't blame em for that.


This has led me to live my life a little different, a life that i have acturally accepted, and i was willing to live that life, for as long it would last. I wanted to live my life, as i like it most, yes, mostly, infront of a computer.
Sounds sad doesnt it? hah well, its much less sad if you think about it, or look at it from my perspective right?
My mind is just wired differently, most would find it needy to be social, but thats in no way my case, because social in general, means to have physical contact, face to face with another.

Meny around me, think that, the life i live, seems sad, and dont know how i can be happy with myself.
Well, it is very simple really, a great interrest, something to follow for a long time, and something that makes you smile all day, making you not think of anything bad? yes, that is my idea of total happiness.
In my vision, some means its love, others means its career, but for me? its just essencial to follow this simple interrest.
I ofcause talk about a very certain show, that you certainly can guess, based on my works.
My little pony.



To think a show can have such an impact on me? well, you were not the only one, but deep down, it just makes me happy all together, and thats whats most important, being happy. I see cringes here and there, because people doesnt believe i can be happy like that, but it is all, really true.
I wont go deep down in details about the show itself, but all i can say is, it is great, all together, the show, the fanbase, and the artworks.
It might not be different from other communities, but its the one I am part of.
Alot of time went by, and then, i felt empty, yes, with all that i just said, u would think it would be the perfect life for me? well, no it isnt.
I used alot of time philosophing, talking around with people as i arrived on FA and so, it was all great and fun.
... But also .. my old social flaws came to show again .. meny times over.

If you might read this, you might be one of the affected targets of my horrible social sence here.


I happened to show affection rather then kindness, people fell.. in love with me, for my kindness. I just said what i felt casual, because i dont want to make enamies at all, but it allways backfired. This is not the only issue i have, i have meny more problems with talking:

I have no sense of identiy, reading body langauge is a challenge for me, sometimes simple questions towards me feels like attacks.. this also goes the other way around, i think alot in my head, but when i talk, its like i have shipped 2 or 3 sentences, because i thought i told em, but in reality, i just thought em in my head.

There is so meny more issues with my speaking and communicating, and it had led to hate and decieving of me.
I stopped having my skype info on my profile page for awhile, because i didnt want to hurt anyone anymore, and this is here i felt empty, i felt like i shouldnt talk, i didnt want to talk, and then i felt, i had noone to share my interrests with.



I went into a short depression, but also one of the strongest ive ever had, i were desperate, i made a random decision, and sent a random message to a random person on fa, my time of silence was over.

To my luck, this individual was the most understanding and caring persons .. i could ever wish to talk to me. I wanted to talk so much with her that time, and i did, we spoke and spoke, we talked alot and we shared so much in common! it was so fantastic, but i also held back, i was so afraid of saying something odd, but thats not all that happended, i felt in love for the first time, real love. Again, this backfired horribly, it turned out that .. when i said something to my friends, it turned out to be, annoying or rather irritating to listen to, i soon only talked with her, i was crushed, suddenly, none to talk to, and i attached myself close to talk to her, i simply didnt want to lose her too, i was in stress, sadness and despair, i wanted to do abselutely everything for her, and that, turned out to be the worst decision in my life.

I didnt know what i did myself, before it was too late, i had turned into an unattractive shell, one with no personality, as those years back, i felt, unloved, and my love died quickly too, and it was all my fault. Soon, we only talked annoyingly to each other, and i had to end it, i couldnt stand anymore despair after losing all i had. During that time, i tried to explain my, friends how i were, and have a messege, somewhat like this journal, to make them understand me better.
I finally felt i had some friends again.



And this, is how my life is, this day today. I love to smile, i love to make friends, and sometimes .. i SEEM affectionate .. but please dont take it too personal.

This is who i am, i am happy, but i keep feeling, i live a curse each day, a challenge to overcome, which only becomes harder and harder, but one thing is for sure.

I have my interrests to keep me going, and im so sorry for anyone i have hurt, with the person i can turn out to be.

Sorry all.

http://www.livestream.com/gtsdevslivestream

Allrighty guys! the second work on my first commision here.

Basically, as you saw last time, its about the cmc.


warning, av.

Lucy's livestream right now! (again!)


Lucy's livestream right now!


On a friendly notice, i will announce my friends livestream here <3

http://www.livestream.com/lucyslair?t=698535

Please take a look or just hang around, :D

Lucy's livestream right now!

By gtsdev, 3 days ago

On a friendly notice, i will announce my friends livestream here <3

http://www.livestream.com/lucyslair?t=698535

Please take a look or just hang around, :D

On a friendly notice, i will announce my friends livestream here <3

http://www.livestream.com/lucyslair?t=698535

Please take a look or just hang around, :D

Livestream GTSdev! 23:00 Saturday 11/05 - 2013! (CET -) - (In about 35 min from now!)
http://www.livestream.com/gtsdevslivestream

Allright sillies! the link above leads to my silly livestream.


Tonight, i will be working on a sketch i made alone, secretly.

This livestream is new and unique because .. guess what, this is my first commision work!

I will be lining it and see how much i can make of painting it today.


Feel free to join in a have a silly talk!

Hello! me and Lucy ( liz_art) is livestreaming again!

www.livestream.com/gtsdevslivestream

Right now there is music running, we start soon! :3


We will be drawing abit of everything, but expect lucy the dragon and ratchet action. :3

I have thrown a blog about my inactivity on my Eka's long ago, but i forgot to say it here.

Due to personal stuff, my activity on vore stuff, has come to a halt for the time being, what can i say? love is one hell of a drug <3

http://www.livestream.com/gtsdevslivestream

This livestream is of unknown duration, and expect i can hit up a few sketches for you in the chat. But today, i will mainly be lining and colouring a Dragonkin pony!


silly :P

Ty so much for this beauty!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8803578/