Yeah so, *complacency game* pasting this journal over the other "crazy" one.

I'm fully aware of how much "momentum" I've lost in the past month or so. Baw. No one faps to me as much as thay fap to someone else. "My life is ruined." *epic tears*

Since you're all critically thinking individuals, I won't waste my time on "begging for forgiveness." The thing about being an overrated, glorified slut is that you've got more admirers than actual friends. That's what I get for "trying to have my cake and eat it."

You don't have to "believe" in me. After all, this is 2012, and "belief" is dead. If you're not a "soulless factory," you're kicked to the curb.



tl;dr I'm going to sit on my own personal "sidelines" now, and watch as karma takes its place.



I don't watch enough "brutal nature documentaries." I'd probably have more things in perspective if I did ("THE STRONG" FUCK "THE WEAK" OVER. SUDDENLY, I UNDERSTAND HOW TO FIX A POWER LINE! ).



Being on "Fur Affinity." "Being your 'other, animal self'."



Words used to describe the nature of the delusion present in that last line of text would be words wasted.

And I have no idea if whether or not "situational equality" is a coined term or not. It most likely isn't, as it sounds ridiculous. There's probably a better word or set of words that fully explain what I'm getting at.

It can be summarized in a short sentence:

"We're all in the same boat."

I won't bother trying to provide a hearty explanation if it. And if you're wondering, yes, it is merely a first world issue.

What bothers me is that people worldwide have collectively rejected the notion of ever mentioning the details of their past lives, except, most commonly, in a private chat session. It's cute to me that in this memetic "Information Age" people still feel like they've got something to hide, when a good reunion with the fallacies of their lives are only a few clicks away. You see, if the general knowledge of every person in the world exists on the internet then in conducting your business ON the internet you are subjecting yourself to the inevitable disappointment. Someone, somewhere, has seen your kind come and go, and they're not the slightest bit confused on, basically, every karmic shift you've ever experienced. You're basically either conducting your business in a civil manner, or you're approaching everything with a "Dog eat dog" mentality, forever contending for some imaginary "rank." The world is treated like a videogame. You bolster the supposed significance of your claims on the basis of deluded thinking.

It's amazing to me that anymore, it seems like people take the idea of expressing themselves over the internet far too seriously. Even someone with as little ties to the internet as possible finds the idea of making their thoughts and opinions known on it as important as living their real, daily life. It's like a toy. Everyone "plays" with it as they see fit. And as a result of how much more prevalent ridiculosity is than sound reasoning, it has basically been reduced to a cesspool of incessantly immature activity, so much that people feel a need to COMBAT the stupidity, which, in itself, is stupidity, and ultimately pointless. Redundant and endless reciprocation. So long as one person finds themself superior to another person, they bask in supremacist thinking, feeling free from fault.

Reality takes the backseat. The "cherry on top" in the day of every individual is having found a reason to feel superior to their fellow man, which is both pretentious and morally fallacious. Eventually, the quote/unquote "asshole" is faced with a dilemma where BEING an asshole isn't an option. And quote/unquote "lulz" ensues.

The first world has become entirely ridiculous. And aa such, theres not much difference between the "weathered militant person" who quote/unquote "derps" on the internet and the "basement nerd" who clings to their fictitious paraphernalia. Both parties "trump" each other in equally as substantial ways. The basement nerd has their sex fixation, and the militant person has their sexual experience. The non-virgin places their non-virginity on a pedestal, and the virgin falls back on fallacious inner pride. But ultimately, the internet is where they come to, quote, "measure each other's penises." The 'superior' individual has nothing but to bully the 'inferior' individual into submission, while the inferior individual relies on semantics and sarcasm. Essentially, both individuals are idiots. Either the "internet children" 'play' nicely, or they suffer punishments handed down from the overseers of their "playground." As long as the "fun" stays stupid, everybody can have fun. The very worst that can be done is for someone to express an opinion contrary to someone else's beliefs, thus creating "butthurt" (lol). Infantile discretion. "Hang out with some kids somewhere, and make fun of the other kids to see their reactions." Lather, Rinse, Repeat, with the only "winner" being karma.

Recess is obsolete. The internet is "where the fun is at." Idiots harrassing idiots...



...The only significant moments being when reality is honored.





We Are All Idiots on the Internet.

Take what you know about physiology.



Now, take that knowledge to the farthest concievable extent of realism that you possibly can.



Study animation. Study sound. Study phonetics.



Basically, produce something that leaves nothing to the imagination, as in, "Its breathing patterns are DEAD ON ACCURATE with each and every ACTUAL reality. Its body language? Ditto. Appearance? Ditto. Every other ACTUAL real life detail that I haven't described here? Ditto."



Completely.



Make it better than every monster movie creation ever made. The End.



And sort your panic attack symptoms out later.



Fun Fact

You haven't even begun to fathom what I would concieve of, of all concievable, FEASIBLE artistic possibilities.



I've got a small bit of "tall tales" in my real life backhistory, but to save you a "tl;dr" (...............lol.) explanation, let's just say that I know what it would ACTUALLY sound like if a huge tentacled monster (about as big as a rhino) were in a cluttered hallway thrashing about and slamming into things and breaking things and pushing things around, etc.

I ALSO know what it would actually feel like underneath my feet and all around me if something that was about 4 times my height literally STOMPED A FOOT DOWN on the ground about three steps away from where I would be standing.

Also, I know what a - whatever it would actually look like - quote/unquote "huge monster" (subjective) with a head as wide as the ceiling of a small bedroom MIGHT actually sound like if it spoke to me in a booming voice that would sound like something that I can only, feebly describe as "the most raw, 'mechanical' sounding voice ever," saying one word only, that word being this: ACTOR.





And then the people of a logically impossible infomercial gave me death threats, DARING me to pick up the phone and call them, lol...




"I've seen (and heard) some things." :3



And no, I am not bullsh*tting you in the slightest, at all...



SO then...

So one time I was playing a game and the godrays looked nice on the ass of the 8-foot beast in front of me and I got a weird boner and then I got into a fight AND I came. But not "buckets," because my bodily functionality allowed for a 7-piece successive CHAIN of cumming shortly thereafter^^, and...~



THIS IS WHY NOBODY GOES OUTSIDE ANYMORE.



GOD...DAMN, PEOPLE!!!

I MISSED THE "GRITTY LIFE EXPERIENCES" SEGMENT.



YOU PROBABLY DID TOO. But there's still hope!^^



GET TANKED AND GET STONED AND high and yeah, whatever, AND WATCH THE VIDEO FROM ITS BEGINNING AGAIN.



YOU'LL PROBABLY SEE THAT PART THEN, MAYBE. maybe...



This isn't getting me anywhere. Maybe I should get "high" off of doing something that I was ACTUALLY doing WHEN I did it HOW I did it WHERE I did it, on Earth, and not in "Dimension X" from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the one that matters...). :U



Wtf past-tense...



Tense.



-ense.



SENSE.

---

YOU WERE BRATS.

It was meant to expose the bigotry of narcissistic FA users who flaunt their popularity. Nothing more.



I make crude, extreme jokes. They're meant to be taken with a grain of salt. ._.



 leothetiger, I didn't mean to offend. I'm sorry. I'm asking you sincerely to unblock me...

Gotta love self-righteous dragons.



AndthenfivemonthslaterIwaslike"Wtf, blocked?! All I did was post a vorish comment on one of your non-vorish works. WE LIKE THE SAME SHIT, TAE!!!"

Expected, of people who share in the nature of quote/unquote "furfags" yet have the exact same interests AS "furfags," lol. I don't use that word normally.



But yeah, brb. Fave-bombing a narcissistic "furry social club dragon's" faves, lololololol...

Meneo - Santa Nalga - Track 06 Se Menea

I'd give you the "long explanation," but you either couldn't grasp it or wouldn't LIKE it.



I gave IT to one of my Skype contacts.

"As I Rolled My Tongue Thickly Over His Small Frame"

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3985916/



Yeah, I know. That was my best "furry" story. I managed to bludgeon you with porn and give the story a PURPOSE that extends further along at the same time.

"GuzzleMuzzle's writing has diminished since then." Yeah, I know, because some of my characters are STILL virgins, lol...

"GuzzleMuzzle needs to stick to the porn!" Lol?

You all probably know that over the course of the time period where I kept successively submitting roleplay porn, I must've been horny as fuck, lol. And now? I've been taking a break. I SLEPT more often, and then THESE five story WIPs happened: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3981871/ (That's ""Tasteful eroticism," "battle imagery," "probably porn," "FULL ON porn," and "Wait a sec. This seemed pretty mellow until things sta~ REPTILE PORN," in that order. ).



Please lower the whip. ;_;



I've just wanted to play more games, and listen to music, and look at interesting internet articles instead of writing porn. I'm sorry...







I've been regulating the ammount of "fuck" my mind absorbs on a daily basis, and I've just been, well......inactive! But I don't mind being butt-raped I'll probably get back into the habit once my gaming cravings die down...





...which is hard when you've got over 16,500 games, and nothing but free time...





Kitteh wants gaymes! No fucking the kitteh right nows! </3



Pssh~ *lifts his ass up...* >:U

I have a whole bunch of maw pics on my hard drive. Y'know...those things that you click on my stories for?



Yeah, I'm not in the mood to write, and I'm not in the mood to RP. I'm in the mood to enjoy my games, and listen to music. Or scour the internet for its unending supply of 'lulz'...



Fun Fact

Whenever I download a porno video, I always use the "RAD Video Tools" program to cut out my favorite sections of the video so I can:


1) ...have a collection of my favorite moments from the video.

2) ...combine those clips to compile a video consisting of nothing BUT the moments in those clips (with looping sections so that my favorite parts repeat themselves several times before the video proceeds to the next part), and...

3) Sometimes I clip certain sections from the video solely for its audio, so that I can have a collection of the moments I loved to hear most, which, later on, I use as a sort of "audio therapy" (i.e. "Listening to the carnal sounds of sex as audio therapy.").



So yes, not only do I have a butt load of animal mouth pics on my computer, but also a buttload of orgasmic video edits from porno videos as well.



Also, if you're thinking that when I say "porno video" I'm talking about "'THAT' kind of porno video," you're absolutely correct (Isn't it obvious?).

For not doing the things that my generation did, throwing their lives away on wanton sex and drugs and incessant violence.

Good on all of you, for not stooping to the lows that many of the people before you have stooped to.

People in this day and age are by far more tame than before. It's a good sign. We still have bullies and criminal minds around us, but for the most part, everyone is staying safe.

I often feel frightened about the current times. My fears might be pointless, for the most part, but things aren't the same. That's certainly true.



I just want to know that I can be safe, and that others can be safe as well...

PSN ID: Nirvana_Paradox

Add me there if you want to follow me and whatnot.



I just wanted a cooler name than "Akira9460."^^ It's nice to know that I'm the only definite "Nirvana Paradox" on the entire planet.

I just haven't been writing anything here or there.



I know you're all tired of the spamposts in your inboxes. I just haven't felt up to the task of writing out vore, prose, or dialogue trading segments lately. I've been either enjoying games every so often, or just listening to music and browsing the internet.

I've probably become annoying to some of you. It's not that I MEAN to spampost things. It's just that I wish writing could be as spontaneous as a drawing always is. But writing takes reading, so it's always a different issue.

Almost half a week ago I was continuing one of my five recent WIPs. I was interrupted by my dad, and haven't returned to it since. But I probably could go back to it, right now, even.



I'm at odds with art itself, in general.



Some of you know that I'm in the habit of writing out very "natural" sounding things when it comes to character interaction. Well, there's a downside to that. It's too realistic. The problem is that I have so much of a mind geared towards realism that sometimes, art itself becomes a problem because I spend more time simply acting and not crafting. I focus more on simply doing things instead of making things - it's hard to explain.

It's not hard in the slightest for me to get back into the writing habit. I just have to ignore the bias in my mind that tells me that what I'm doing is "crazy," and just write. That's the problem. Self-judgement. I've looked back at what I've done and feel as if something went wrong. It's stupid. It's the kind of mentality that somebody "on the outside of Fur Affinity" would have, where they just dismiss everything here as "nuts," and proceed to do something else (if not stay around to harrass the community, which I would NEVER do.).



Also, I have a problem with feeling loved here. ;_;



People look down on people who try to garner affection from others. Honestly, that' all I want to do.

I have an excellent memory, so much that I remember the details of the events of my life that happened when I was only 3 years old. But along with remembering what I loved, I also remember what made me miserable, and what I hated. The problem with being so utterly realistic in art is that you venture into areas of creativity that only begin to HURT yourself. It was only yesterday that I remembered the exact aesthetics of something I once wrote out concerning how one of my first five angelic characters cares for the four main protagonists of my story and their friends. It's just a simple saying; nothing fancy. But it's both the wording AND the theme behind the words that made me feel sad. It implies something of desperation mixed with a passion to "do what's best for someone mostly powerless," where the theme of "sacrifice" isn't far off, and the air of emotion is far too heavy to be considered to be anything "pleasant" - an off-putting cry for mercy, not on the angel's behalf, but for the sake of the people he wants to save from peril (the angel involved is "Bale, The Baleful Angel of Sorrow.").



Some things I plan on putting into my "Parasympathy" story are taxing......on my heart. ;_;



And besides that, I have this incessant problem with simply being content with happiness. I like those old Deviantart textual pictures about happiness and love, because no matter how cheesy someone may think they are, they're actually true (I don't think they're cheesy.). "You can waste your life being sad, or you can do what's best to be healthy and happy" (Don't quote me on it. That's not word for word.).





All I want is hugs... ( ._.)





And I feel "weak" because of that.

I want to continue writing. The style hasn't diminished, and the themes I've made in the past that many of you love, I still intend to write out.

I'd just feel better if I knew that there was someone in my corner that was cheering me on. There are such folks, and I thank them for that. But I'd rather be thought of as a "friend" than a "great artist."

There are things I can't accept about "great success," like the idea of looking down on others, or belittling people for not having something that you have - it makes me sick when I see people act that way.





I'm still writing, and it will be what you've come to love from me.



But please understand that even though I seem too cranky or fussy, all I'm doing is avoiding the point...



...which is that I want to be smothered in hugs. ;_;





And while I'm on this note, I offer this word to all quote/unquote "anti-whine" trolls



Don't hate on the emotions of others just because nobody loves YOU. If being a cunt is your problem then perhaps you should spend some time experimenting with what it's like to not be a cunt?

It's always the weakest of people who mean to deny everyone else what they can never have for priding themselves on being bottom-feeder trolls...



Former troll friend gets called out on his bullshit by another friend of mine, spazzes out, AVOIDS that friend of mine, then BLOCKS EVERYBODY, TROLOLOLOLOL!!! Weak.





Cry more.





-  guzzlemuzzle9460

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/.....ill-in-jail-a/



You know how many DA users and other internet folk try to put down furries and call them stupid, and blah blah blah etc.? Well...



I would rather be an active member of FA than a fucking ROBOT bolstered by scientific study. Stupid remark? YES. But fuck, when did it become completely uncool to BE flippant and stupid?



Too. Many. Damn. Robots. On. The. Internet.



Go in there and do a text search for "Ryan Baggett." Guy tries to present both the lovable, snuggable, absolutely wondiferous benefits of loving God that we've all heard before, along with an entourage of CREATIONISM to 'back' his stance on matters.





Clusterfuck in the morning... -_-





Good morning Friday. Good morning insomnia...~

IMMA DO IT! @_@





And then I'll post another journal just after posting that one BECAUSE IT WILL BE SO FRIGGIN' LONG THAT NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO REACH MY SHOUT BOX!!!!!

There was a day where I DERP COUNTED how many games I actually own between my console games and all the roms and PIRATED (I'M NOT RICH! ) stuffs that I have on my computer. Suffice to say, that count goes somewhere over a total of 16,500 games...



BY THE POWER OF BOREDOM...



...I...will count...



...ALL the games. 8D



All of them.



It will be a long and perilous journey through the far reaches of my hard drive...



I might not make it out alive... v.v



But when the journey is over...



...I will have counted...



...all the games.



Every last one of them, including the ones about BARBIE!!!





Wtf...





The list will be long. VASTLY long.



It may even be incomprehensible...



Wish me luck. *cue "Everybody calm the fuck down. I got this..." face*

I've done a little moving around in my gallery here. Every non-erotic General, Mature, and Adult submission is in my scraps gallery for now (they're still good reads.).

Basically, I wanted all of what I believe to be the most tastefully eroticised works of mine to stay up front. And why? Well, I want to get back into the writing habit at some point, and when that time comes, I think it would be nice to put out something tastefully mature, if not full-on adult. The WIPs "Why Am I Trapped In This Dream? - Part 2," "Sudden Expectance" and "The Lady Who Considers Me" have the potential to be just that, with the first and last ones I've mentioned being the kinds that I could enjoy a relaxing moment of mottled "non-eroticised/ACTUALLY eroticised" writing with. As many of you know, I like to weave the kinds of things that, even if not eroticised or remotely sexualized at first, they can become just that in only a moment's notice, with the body of the story shifting between moments of something genuinely understandable and moments where your innards may begin to feel nice while reading along - the kind of writing that encourages 'edge-of-your-seat' anticipation, that may cause the reader to feel just as much adrenaline as ease in blood flow - something for everyone to enjoy, even if you're relatively young, or decided against eroticised material. I like to write things that creep beneath the skin, that may cause the hairs to rise for a moment, just before something amazing should take place...

It's just a motion towards "fun." It's pretty obvious that many people come here to enjoy stress relief, if not simply convene with friends over different matters (because like it or not, Fur Affinity isn't just "a porn site." People can conduct their business in whatever clean way they choose to. I'm just a wildcard considering those types of people, and "my cake tastes good," and I'm not decided against 'sharing' that cake, hnhn... ).

If you still wanted to go over my non-eroticised works, you can find the majority of them in my scraps gallery.



I might start writing right now...

This seems to be a trend, that people post a journal on a Tuesday where people ask them many questions.



Ask away.



Minor Update

Not much. Trying to enjoy all the free Chiptune albums from http://ubiktune.org/ , enjoying how inspiring the soundtrack to Puzzle Quest 2 is to me ( http://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis.....CD307320D0328B ), and mulling over whether to enjoy the games of old (roms, old DOS games, and other old games) or barrel forward with the titles of the most recent 12 years (console, handheld, and PC stuff old and new).



I haven't had any good reasons to post a journal, so I figure a TMI Tuesday one would be good.

Some Trick-or-Treaters came to our door just earlier. And what happened? My dad answered the door and told them that we don't celebrate Halloween, which we don't (I don't mind it, and neither does my half-sister, who has always made more sense than my dad... :U).

And he was hiding his handgun in his hand just around the corner...

Christianity. Halloween. HIDE YO KIDS, 'CAUSE THE DEBIL RAPIN' E'REBODY OUT HEAH!



MAH BIBLE AND MAH GUNS!!!



.............................................



In other news, I just whooped a Level 100 Exdeath with a Level 1 "Emperor Mateus."



The Emperor (LV1) vs Exeath (LV100) - Quick Battle 1

Happy Halloween, everyone.



IF YOU REMEMBER THIS



[Picture of the Holy Bible]




YOUR HALLOWEEN WAS PROBABLY NOT THAT AWESOME



Grow up, memetards. :V



Oh look, there were "pics." Something actually "happened..."

I'm damn proud of what I do.



What I do in my artistry? Damn proud of it.



Whatever sociological inconsistency you've ever found in the dialogue trading "scripts" I've written out and posted, in most but not all cases, has never really been a matter of "inconsistency" so much as taste.

Kristina story

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8008540/

Why would someone say "What have you proven? That you can endure? What good is endurance for a warrior?" You think "that's stupid, because a warrior should master endurance as well." True. But when you just got done kicking your oldest daughter's ass and feel like spitting on her to stave off your own insecurities, you don't exactly think all things through. What Kristina SHOULD understand has nothing to do with what it is that she aimed to ACCOMPLISH in that very moment. And what would that be? Frankly, just to be a bitch (And a rather ignorant one at that), who needed a vent. Given time, she may reconsider the error in her own words, if only in a passive afterthought.

I like putting drama into a story. If characters never face hardships then they're just icons. And I'm well aware of the furry fandom's infatuation with 'iconic' work. I just like to be more...broad. Having a "take-no-bullshit" dragon character who gets all the women (Motrax http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7758393/ ) is fun, but if there's never a moment in time where he faces something that challenges his supposed "perfection" then he's not there for much other than to be a placeholder (and Chartreux - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6064313/ - doesn't count, because he's a whiny, "dog-dick-esque" dragon. Not a part of any mile high clubs though... ).

And I like conveying a sense of uncertainty. "Perfect characters" are cool, but eventually they grow stale with audiences (which is why I don't play much "Bayonetta," LOL. XD). I don't mind a badass character who, all things considered, is like some gamebreaking entity. But if there's no one else around who can challenge their might then they're pretty much just an icon - a perfect poser with no history whatsoever, except being popular amongst all the "cool kids," lol. Maybe this is just a biased opinion because I'm a writer? Or maybe it's just how I feel about art, which isn't askewed towards an uncompromisable central focus on penis measurement? Who knows?



Woke up from a good sleep and am now full of dinner food, ready to appreciate arts, and enjoy observing infantile indiscretion.

Just as a conversation buddy. =O



I wanted to talk about characters and fursonas, and what they all mean to you.



I'm a horrible filthy porn artist, and "too crazy to talk to," yes.





I could lose friends just because of how horrible I am...



I hate being thought of as a stalker! I'm no sick pedophile who defiles children, or shady porn dealer looking to destroy people's lives. I'm just a writer. And I have lots on my mind.



I don't mind comments right here in this journal. Notes are fine too.



Too many people are scared of me.



I just wanna talk about art and concepts fursonas and such. Everybody comes here but most never say anything to me...





I also want hugs. ;_;



Or a cuddle.




I've never been at home with asking for things. I feel like I'm in a snake pit of ravenous snakes. o.o



I'm not bored. Just lonely.



My Skype and Yahoo info are on my front page.



I DON'T BITE! ;_;

I was going over two certain journals of mine currently posted up on my front page. The ones about my "entire game collection" ( http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1551045/ ), and my "previously owned/played before" game collection ( http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2323368/ ).

I have an overabundance of things to be grateful AND thankful for, so much that it's both ridiculous, and.........hurts, because I act like a spoiled, privledged brat who never gets enough attention...when people come here all the time.

I want to wish you all well in your endeavors. The vast majority of you live moreso in reality than I do, and you've got a great many things to be proud of that I myself do not. I admit, whenever I see someone who seems much more successful than myself, or more popular, I get jealous. It's sad and pathetic, and time and time again I bother  12-string with Skype IMs expressing the same doubts over and over, which he always reassures me of, easily. I have this nagging feeling that tells me that if I come across someone who seems to be doing far better in life than myself then I want to try to at least ammount to their greatness, or possibly even surpass them. It's petty and it's stupid. I've got several reasons to feel content with my life; even humble, for how my life has gone. And to continually spit in the faces of others ( http://www.furaffinity.net/scraps/g.....zlemuzzle9460/ ) is no "amazing revelation" nor commendable feat, because all it speaks of is an incessant immaturity and discontentedness with my own gain. I know why several people who once watched me have unwatched me and left me behind. It's because they just got sick of seeing the same crap over and over again. And I've done nothing to heal that wound. Nothing at all.



I want to give some shoutouts to a few people.



 winteranswer, I'm sorry for ignoring your written work. I'm pretty much a graphics whore, and I've always been preoccupied elsewhere.

 threedawg I'm sorry for what I've done to betray your trust. I've taken things far beyond their range of actual pertinence, and I've made you distrust me. There's nothing I can say but "sorry for being an asshole," and that I've taken your words and friendship for granted.


There's a certain special someone else who deserves an apology here also, but it's already been done, and we've renewed our friendship already.


There aren't enough words in the English language that I can weave to say how much I appreciate  12-string's love and support. Sometimes I keep asking myself why he even bothers to listen to me anymore, which I queried last night and was given a rather heartwarming response about... ;_;



I also want to thank everyone who continues to watch this page even though I act like a cynical asshole every other two seconds. I don't know what it is I've done that's managed to keep over 300 of you and over 1,000 of you visiting my page and reading my work, but all I can say is that I thank you for it, and that I hope not to disappoint (again, with the hinging my hopes on what others think of my art, because it concerns me, just as much as critique does.).

There's a huge buttload (BUTTLOAD. ) of other people I could thank as well, some being very renowned and accomplished artists who colored me blind with the event of ever even responding to me in comments, notes, shouts, or through e-mail (Thanks,  chimerasynx,  narse, and others), and others whose communications have also meant much to me (many comment responses, shouts, and notes). For how prone I am to assume things in the blink of an eye I don't deserve MUCH attention, but I'm grateful that others even take time to notice me at all.



Again, I hope you're all doing okay (and are in good health), and I wish you well in everything you do.



-  guzzlemuzzle9460

I understand that on some levels, there is lots of disagreement with the kinds of things I post. And yes, I know that what's most important is to simply continue to do what I love to do. But honestly, the condescension could use a good, long break.

When I first started submitting here to FA, the general idea behind most of my writings is that there was always a situation with one of two outcomes. 1) That everything should build up towards a dreary ending, or 2) that everything should build up towards a positive outcome, yet one that hinges on the desperate hopes of the people involved. As for many of the spam posts in my scraps, ignore those, because they're nothing but the result of my own insecurities.

Right now, I feel...better than I do most of the time. I took a minute to watch a YouTube video of a particularly smaller breed of big cat, and it was just nice. I got to thinking about how these days, there must be a vast multitude of sensitive people who simply don't dabble in things much more frighteningly implying than most other things. I'm sure that beneath all the things you commonly come across on internet websites, like arguements about videogame inconsistencies and political or rural matters, and religion, there's a multitude of people around who are simply content with the smaller things of life, which are made to be larger in significance simply because the people don't have much of a desire to venture much farther beyond whatever knowledge sphere they find themselves caught up in. Where you have things like Fur Affinity or DeviantArt where artists and open minds gather around, you have other similar things like YouTube accounts dedicated to showcasing things like gameplay videos and music, among many other things of course. Where an artist has their pride concerning their art, and sharing it with other like-minded people, YouTubers have their pride concerning the propagation of the contexts of whatever it is that they regularly post in videos. Different avenues, but which both lead towards satisfying ends.

I didn't have very many positive thoughts in mind upon first submitting to FA. I maintained a positive outlook, yes (moreso in the beginning than now... /_\), and was excited about getting aquainted with all my favorite artists here, and then some. But after a while, I just began to feel dwarfed. Pointless yes, since posting content at all would eventually lead towards recognition of my work. And what I'd do on a repititious basis didn't help anything. I was always pessimistic, fearing the worst in every situation. And why? There's no rational excuse, so the only logical explanation would rest on something that doesn't speak well for me, naturally. I know that I run people away on a continual basis, or that I do things that end in the vast majority ignoring me completely. It's just insecurity. I always was the one who had a large desire to 'fit in with the rest of the crowd', even though I understand the fallacies in that...

The largest thought of mine has been that people simply appreciate something darker moreso than something lighter. Again, insecurity, because if you spend more time walking forward than stopping to look back over your shoulder, you'll 'cover more ground', right? (which is why writers like  leothetiger and  winteranswer are much more consistent than me...). Another insecurity, that I always seek approval for what I do. The thing is, it's hard for me to simply produce on a continuous basis without ever questioning my own actions. Blame it on my religious upbringing, where I'm conditioned to feel like there's always a need to appease a 'God' who's never impressed...

I can convey a dark theme. But that's not to say that I'm exactly at home with such themes. There comes a time when I've spent so much time, to use a slang term, "fronting," that in the end I feel like there's something missing from the equation. And what will be missing is that simply, I've gone out of my way to be everything and everyone...but myself. You could call it a nasty side effect from trying to characterize 41 different characters (and even more "NPC-esque" side characters), but that wouldn't be true since I'm actually at home with that context. It can be hard to follow, and I've been told that it IS several times before. It's probably just that I have a very sloppy way of executing it.

The event of me writing things (at all) could benefit from less "Take Two"s, ha ha. It's my own fault that I've gotten myself in such a rut as I'm in these days. Most don't mind the continuation of my writings (sans the BS in scraps), and several people actually love my work. The main problem here is that I'm always caught up in asking everyone else questions about what I do when I should be asking myself those questions, sans some of those questions, lol.



Too many things on this page need work...

I hope you're all doing well.



5 to 6 paragraphs, shortened down to one sentence. x3

I worry too much about things, like how some people may find me scary because of the vore themes here, or because of the frightful themes in some of my stories and poems. D:

Sometimes, it just feels bad to be mean... ;_;



In somewhat of a minor update...

I've just been enjoying Final Fantasy 13 lately. I wanna beat the "first one" before I move on to FFXIII-2. And I've also been thinking about getting more into Skyrim (I haven't touched my two save games since I leveled my female argonian up to Level 6, and my male Khajiit up to Level 10), and also Dark Souls (I want to get that "Prepare to Die Edition" when it comes out for PS3! =O). Outside of those games, I've just been playing lots of Dissidia 012 Final Fantasy on my PSP, and on my TV too since I have one of those component cables that makes that possible.

I've got tons of games to enjoy, both new, old, and even archaic, and I just want to enjoy the ones that stay on my mind the most before dabbling in others (they mostly consist of the world's most popular single-player games, along with only a handful of games that can be played online against others. http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1551045/ ). Console games, handheld games, retail PC games, indie PC games, TONS of roms for emulators. I never have an excuse to be bored here... >.>



Again, I hope you all are doing well.

The period between 2004 and 2008 ruined me...



My family lived in a very unlivable, 4-unit apartment. We didn't have cool AC, our heating was malfunctional, the refridgerator didn't work (and we had it for over 2 years in between), the building was infested with roaches and mice, the walls and the carpet were utterly putrid (we washed the carpet with a special carpet cleaning vaccum cleaner, 5 times, and it was still utterly filthy afterwards), the front door was half-busted, the basement was a nightmare... - too many dead wrong factors in a horrible apartment unit, and one that I had to live in for almost four full years.

It conditioned me to expect the worst each and every single day. We had internet, but only my dad's desktop computer, which sat right next to his bed, making it almost impossible for me to even burn an audio CD for myself at the time, which I actually did do several times, just to stay half sane. I was trying to get lots of the music I heard from animes that aired on Adult Swim at the time, and during the "bumps" in between its commercials - really awesome stuff. I had my videogames around that time too - PS2 only, because the Wii, Xbox 360, and the PS3 hadn't come out yet (I never got a Wii until early 2009, and never a PS3 (2nd slim model) until late 2010.). But I had (and still have) some of the greatest PS2 games that have ever been around, which I always talked to my now Army-bound work buddy about (he and I worked at an airport - Airborne Express, down in Wilmington Ohio, back when they were still there.). Games like "The King of Fighters 11," "Okami," and "Final Fantasy 12," among many other titles that were very popular that I always bought around payday. That I had a job at all was my pride at the time. It was the hardest but best paying job I had ever had, and even though I hated the hard physical labor I was glad to have even been able to HANDLE it at all. I was one of my work site's best workers, as told to me by our supervisor. It was hard, and was something that would be nearly unbearable for most young people; I actually busted some blood vessels while there, and messed up my bones as well. But it was exercise. And like any spendthrift, I had the fool mentality that for having worked so hard I 'deserved' a "reward" come payday. So I hung around the Dayton Mall with my work buddy and with another guy (who fell out of that job after a while for having broken his BACK while working there. Understandable, since the goals of his routine position were far harder to uphold than those of mine. Ouch. D:).

Coming back home was never a joy. I drowned myself in excessive fast food and newly bought videogames, or just watched as my brother played the ones in his collection. Things like coming home with a giant bag of chinese food only to watch my brother play "Yu-Gi-Oh!" on our PS2. It was nice, but whenever I lied down my mental well-being was less than stellar - I simply enjoyed the game's music, and enjoyed what I had to do, like play the Nintendo DS I had at the time. Oddly enough, even though I was surrounded on all sides by ruin and decay, I was still able to keep up with what was going on in the game industry. Life was subpar (with things like me thouroughly enjoying the new "Sega Genesis Collection" title for PS2 and experiencing a large case of relapse concerning Sega Genesis paraphernalia, which there's nothing wrong with... <3), but I still had the one past time joy that had always interested me the most. "Good times," as people say. But ultimately horrible...

"Something bad" happened there too. Something I don't feel comfortable about mentioning (that only a select few people here on FA know about). And all things considered, it was the largest driving force behind why I live in such a nice home now. I went through a number of things - things that would terrify some people, considering what I had both seen and heard - and in the end I came out a fear-ridden mess of frequent panic attacks and chronic worry.

Then there was the issue of a Social Security Disability case that I miraculously won in 2010, which brought me enough money to gain the 64GB 4th Gen iPod Touch, PS3, PSP, and Acer Aspire laptop that I have now, among other very nice things. Everything was looking up. I [live] in a better, more furnished home, and I have everything I ever dreamed of having back when I was very young (which honestly speaks of a very small scope of aspiration... XD), and then some. Life was moving on, and I experienced yet even MORE "lazy gamer days" that all led up to me being a bit of the "gaming guru" that I am today.

But the scars are still here. I still remember what it was like to live in that "hell" that I lived in during those three and some odd months years, and it's the largest reason why I can be so very pessimistic nowadays (what can be seen in and of my artistry.).

---

I was just wondering what it is that keeps you all watching my page.



Many of you have expressed your interest in my writings, and for that I thank you. It's just that I feel like I can be a real heartless ass sometimes, saying things that upset a multitude of people. As always, I'm usually more interested in what everyone ELSE does in art than what I myself do in it, and you'll usually see me faving just about everything here. XD



I just don't feel like I'm deserving of anyone's appreciation. Really, I'm not trying to garner pity. I just KNOW that at some times, I can be just flat out dead wrong, because SOME things are better left unsaid.