Runnign low on pose Ideas of later, so I'm quite open to some suggestions.

This also Includes outfits or lack of on whatever character of mine, or retro/old furry game character. (But take note, they will be drawn to match Krezz's style, so some liberties will be taken as needed.)

But yes, I'm deliberately aiming for an old-school furry vibe, soemthign that says late 90s or early-mid 2000s, hopefulyl on smethign that says "This was something you'd see as part of an art book you buy" or "cool, a furry website!" or something like that.

The dissapointment can end now..... what a crappy birthday again.

Not gonna celebrate, why be dissapointed when you can Instead just expect nothing.

Been through this this time and time again.

If you're going to fav, comment ,give me some drawing advice, you are nto being rude by pointing out a flaw but you are being rude by not helping a beginner Improve.

Or else the posts are just goign to stop, I want nteraction not numbers.

Only later this month. And I'm sure even when I expect nothing I'll still be dissapointed.

That's all I have to say. >.<

I'll get to the point: several months ago I made a 100% longplay video of a romhack of Super Mario 64 that gives Mario a shotgun..

Nintendo shut It down

Five hours gone. :(

With everything going on, environmental Issues, grievance, performance Issues, the state of the world, the failure of my YT channel, etc.

It's all piling on top of the main Issue, and It's starting to really exhaust me again like two years ago, even my "heart" Is starting to feel like It did two years ago.

Any more bad news Is going to push me over the edge again, why can't some great news happen to me for once...

Noticing the huge Improvement, over two years of practice and drawing. Once I can Improve on not only consistently, but also a huge part on hands, and peets specially. (I aim to draw them like my best friend did.), and get better at some more exotic/elaborate poses soon I'll no longer be a beginner.

I did It all for you Krezz  Karavan... If only you were sill here to see this... :(

Seems everyone Is just losing It over something that happened after a few days ago and are overreacting In ways that worry me.

I don't want to lose anymore friends.

The main thing, missing my best friend.

The other side stuff that did make It terrible? The FA hack, the premier of my playthrough had virtually nobody showing up, some people forgot It's my birthday and some people jsut flat out scalding me for trying to celebrate my birthday. And a few other things.

I think I'll just stop celebrating my birthday from now on.

Also with the capatcha being broken on logging In on FA for firefox, I won't be logging on much since I'd need to use an alternative browser, not like there's much to see and I don't really desire to post what I draw since drawing is really just for me honoring Krezz.

And I think I will be hosting a part on Second Life, doubt anyone will come. Who would come to a party of a loser, who's poor and doesn't have atual talent to milk off.

Won't post the location yet since the place I'm renting Is moving soon and I'm waiting for the right time to make the move.

Worse, It would be on a Wednsday, and.... I don't have that speial someone I want to see. :(

Time to expet nothing and still be dissapointed.

Just follow the guidelines, and It will be ok.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/56926500

I'm noticing It's been going on for a while but there have been some compeltely random people with nothing In their profile except for people thanking them In the shouts for a watch out of complete nowhere. I might just be paranoid but I get bad vibes/Intend from these accounts.

I decided to srtart blocking them, If you really want to support/show appreciation say something, I prefer a comment over numbers of favs. Especially constructive criticism.

I draw to honour my best friend. Never for money, or fame. it's my way to cope and grieve for the loss of my best friend. And I don't care what you want for me to do with my art.

An Incident recently happened on the comments of my newest pic and after the exchange they deleted their comments and their account. Why do I get a feeling this Is a normal thing on FA? :(

I will not listen to demands, especially from creeps who are suspiciously underage.

Most of the stuff I draw I just upload In a few Discord servers, and most of that stuff Isn't good enough to post here.

I'm drawing solely for the purpose of honouring my best friend, a way to grieve/morun and you're all sick of hearing of that and my "depress-posting" and If you don't like It, don't watch/follow/Interact.

Almost two years and has passed and nothing has changed, I'm still dead Inside and can't remember what It's like to feel my heart when It was still there. I quit my YouTube channel a few months ago and nobody really batted an eye, not like I had any respect from any Retro Game community anyway.

Makes those 15+ years feel like a waste, when I should have just learned to draw Instead of relying on requests/freebies/raffles/etc... who knows what kind of person I might have become, but I know that I would be just as broken around June 20th 2022 either way....

...yeah...

I recently saw a video on an AI beign taught to play Lara Croft, like a normal person with commentary. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wTf_bbkW2U

I might be overreacting but I'm seeing In a few year, there will be AI playthroughs popping up, and people don't exactly give a smeg about my playthroughs/longplays anyway...

In a few years, It's going to become utter pointless to make anything for my channel, as I'll be replaced. Because existential crisis didn't need a + at the end.

What am I going to do?

August 21st Is when I turn 30 and....

I'm expecting nothing, and will still be dissapointed, why?

Have I accomplsihed anything In my life?
Is my best friend still alive?
Have I ever smiled since June 20th 2022?
Can I feel happiness again?

No.

Waht do I want? My best friend back. But that's not possible. I could win the lottery, or be cured of my mental disabilities I was born with, but I would gladly trade those to rewind time for myself to make things right, even If I don't save him I would still be able to get closure on everything. But that's all just a hopeless and Impossible dream/wish.

Sure I'm still doing long retro game playthrough videos again, sure I'm able to do some things like I used to, but at the end of when those are all done there's nothing, yet I'm still doing them.

Maybe I need someone special, but every chance I had, I blown It. Same for a lot of friendships. It hurts seeing all these happy couples just about everywhere, I don't feel jealous I just know I'm missing out, even If my best friend came back, there's still the lonleyness of my broken heart where It used to be.

Yet I'm still here.

I still miss you  Karavan, always got you In my heart, and always with a piece of you with me. ( https://www.furaffinity.net/view/47013785/ )

I need someone. :(

Just asking...

But that's a retheorical question, I got no friends anymore....

Not the exact details, but for journal purposes some stuff Is ommitted. This was a dream I had a few nights ago I never wanted to wake up from.

I was my lizard but age regressed,  Karavan had took me to a beach with him where he was doing art, sketches and caricatures. Most of the time I watched him draw while hugging onto his tail while passers by watched, and even commissioned him, I even got a few head pats from some customers. During his breaks between drawing I gave him paw rubs, and even got a soda and sandwich for him. Later sometihng odd happened, I actually felt tired within the dream and was falling asleep using his tail as a pillow as the sun started to go down, I really felt at peace until I felt someone smacked me In the head with a cane forcing me awake, but I felt the pain while awake for quite a bit.

This wasn't just a dream, but something much more...?

This month, meant to be a happy month of pride In sexuality and Identity. parades of colors and spectrums.....

But for me, this month will always remind me death, heartbreak,, abandonment, and true misery.

It's getting closer to that day., and the nightmares of that night repeating are back.

Getting closer to the anniversery of the worst day of my life, the nightmares made sleep so unrestful I'm constantly exhausted,. I ended up making 3 dedicated playthroughs to him with plans of a 4th to appear o nthe 20th (And after that, I'm done with my channel... the last thing I had going.), It was the only thing I had going but it's become pointless to run. Nobody really gives a crap about wehat I do, and would rather give a crap about people who act like having a high sub makes them Immortal/succesful with their obnoxiousness. Everything I do Is pointless, and It's been a waste of ten years running my channel and what have I got to show for It? Oh peopel will say a "thanks for covering this", but outside of that nobody gives a single thought, even with my pixe lart which I notice got a lot of false praise by 97% of the people I met. Hue shading? OH THAT'S A THING? SOPMEONE COULD HAVE TOLD ME OVER TEN YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS STARTING OUT.

The usual nightmares are back, as If It becaame aware he can pull me out of them and nwo feds on creating false hope he's going to pull me out of It... sleep or n osleep I feel constatly tired physyically almost as much emotionally.

Very few people want to accociate with me, tons of people just evade me, and don't go "It's because you're depressed" which means you're OK with "OLOL DEPRESSED PERSON SHOULD NOT BE DEPRESSED, LETS LEAVE HIM TO BE DEPRESSED IN THE DARK CORNER HE BELONGS IN ROFL.", I always hated this BS.

As for the cursed part, a year ago days before that day, I got a friend to commission soemthign from him and with how life doesn't like me being happy or content was already sick of me edging the threshold ever since May when Sally first existed. It resorted to... and that's why I feel guilty/responsible If only I didn't get and just want maybe It wouldn't have happened...

This Is a sign of hope, not just for me but others maybe?

Just as everything started to go dark, I felt another set of hands pull me out. It wasn't Sally's but they were peach colored of a very familair shade., something was very warm about them. It was him.

I woke up at 2:30, but not scared as usual, I couldn't feel my heart beating hard(And that's a good thing). I checked the userlist of his streampage and saw someone else, checked their stream page and they were working on something In his style. I never said It on the stream but I really felt he was there as If he was being channeled through him. This means one thing...

He's still with us In a way

He saved me again...

I actually look forward to sleeping next time, something deep down knows I'm not going to have that nightmare again but a lovely dream I look forward to.

So while I'm awake, I'm going to be productive today somehow.

There will be one last vid, and despite wha was said on the channel I really don't Intend to create anything ever again.

I just got nothing to have an ambitious drive for, thus no am bition no desire, only one thing I want...

All I want Is Krezz back, that's all I want, no matter the costs, anything to beyond everything I will trade If neccicary.