with graphs
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/23004484/

Got to throw this out because I am not sure I am progressing at all. I gotta make heads n toes of all this. i.e. I never get "pervert" in this, feels right, but looks EVER so wrong considering xD I can`t help the feeling I don`t get something everybody else gets perfectly well (or vice versa go me). Took it again cus I duped the link and the graphics alongside, link: https://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=4152210

98% Experimentalist
96% Switch
94% Sadist
89% Primal (Prey)
89% Non-monogamist
88% Masochist
83% Voyeur
83% Primal (Hunter)
76% Girl/Boy
75% Exhibitionist
75% Dominant
72% Brat tamer
70% Brat
70% Master/Mistress
70% Daddy/Mommy
69% Owner
69% Rigger
66% Ageplayer
64% Degrader
63% Submissive
62% Rope bunny
56% Pet
51% Degradee
46% Vanilla
38% Slave

Man my computer plays tricks on me, I wanted this account to be dead like a language. But reasons --> anyway!!! ><

One Punch Man was not so new, MP1/10k seems to be, liked the episodes, so I might just try reading comics now, last one was JTHM and ages ago SO! Now where to find it because on amazon the whole bunch goes for far 200 Euros and I am (almost!) as cheap as they come

found an interesting one so *jumps in*. traced it from ecmajor to a soldier whose name I didnt catch up, lost the it there xD

1. Are your parents married or divorced? Divorced and elsewhere
2. Are you a vegetarian? meeeaaat.
3. Do you believe in Heaven? as hell, it sounds like a projection.
4. Have you ever come close to dying? cajak incident in a watergate, fallen AROUND a tree, fell and my lungs somewhat collapsed. Im sure that plays a role for my fascination with jason bourne.
5. What jewelery do you wear 24/7? I admit, my jewelry is in fact that I dont wear any at all xD
6. Favorite time of day? whenever Im free to do what I want, the day is always beautiful then. any other time early night is swell
7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? preferably
8. Do you wear makeup? dont care for it, but curious on the side
9. Ever have plastic surgery? my nose sucks but I honestly wouldnt care xD
11. What do you wear to bed? my pajamas, I hug them. socks wont work tho.
12. Have you ever done anything illegal? I wanted to say "never of course? and yoouu?" but a less aggro version would be "this question is just naive"
13. Can you roll your tongue? noddles
14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows? does tweeze mean cut? the middle because I hate that lumberjack look
15. What kind of sneakers? as cheap as humanly possible
16.Do you believe in Abortions? do you believe in strategy?
17. What is your Hair colour? it was black once but the hostile peeps kept distracting me
18. Future child’s name? in english, Id call my future child "train" xD in german tho.. ah dunk it, I dont like the german language for anything else but precision (Im no nazi =p Im actually not even really german I think)
19. Do you snore? I guess. If I do feel free to poke me all through the night. hihi.
20. If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? ah, playing favorites again. hm. first comes my head/ projects! thats it. but the world? niagara falls are on youtube. Ill hate the monsoon because theres not only big animals but also SMALL animals trying to profit from my essence! :/ all the big skyscrapers sounds already a bit generic. I wouldve loved to watch fukushima when it happened for a minute or two, ha, but nono, thats stupid isnt it! I should work my fantasy more since Ill really just get where Ill get. I love trespassing so the hadron collider? a penthouse suit? a drug plantage? xD ah I dont work like that~
21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? theres this little elephant that with this red/white shirt the italian clowns have. I may not wash it :x
22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Id ditch my "when the money is there"-project-impulse, travel around the world and buy some expensive books. second step would be visiting big conventions.
23. Gold or silver? metro man <3
24. Hamburger or hot dog? hotdogs made me big because you cant do anything else in denmark (holidays) so Ima gonna say whopper.
25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? favorites again. well there *is* this chinese buffet over here... I really dont know good food :.
26. City, beach or country? beach. Id need my own pool tho to fall into from my bed. right after that Id snatch a sandwich and lie on the beach to think out the last night and following day, and to collect it in the evening and plan the night. ugh god I wish xD
27. What was the last thing you touched? ah you got me :x lets say my 1l coke beaker at three degrees.
28. Where did you eat last? I get it, Im poor! (at home)
29. When’s the last time you cried? I dont focus on anything long enough to actually cry, but this time I was drunk, it works better then. it hardly gets any more awful than that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bioatgIog84
30. Do you read blogs? when someone interesting or extremely fun links to it, dont get the right connections to do it organized :|
31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? with all the good ideas floating around from people over the last years, how can you not get curious (about anything actually mwaha)
32. Ever been involved with the police? I was angry at a paint can dumped on a car in front of a school. I went home from work in the middle of the night and I didnt recognize them because there was something major going on at work and I was in thoughts (me stupid). I drove two circles around it because I wasnt sure whether I should care to be angry or not. they were sure I was it then. another one was, lets call it we were moving at night. it wasnt really illegal but the police was still fun, the other one did the talking tho. some other stuff, but kind of the same.
33. What’s your favourite shampoo conditioner and soap? I need bAby shampoo for my hed~
34. Do you talk in your sleep? lets say I was terrified of that thought for some years. appearantly I dont, heh.
35. Ocean or pool? again, enrwappingly both !!!
36. So, who has the original missing questions? usually geniusses
37. Who would you take on a ménage à trois for a dirty weekend? *spasms* herng. tyler durden and the princess from neverending story. fuck you, you think *you* are crept out?
38. Window seat or aisle? I need my windows.
39. Ever met anyone famous? this mamboa viva guy, angela merkel (german unichorn mistress), and a celebrity fled from my german teacher at the time o.O
40. Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life? *cackles* in a way Ive always had, in a way I never will. practically not yet tho.
41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? I consider myself a twirlosopher, but you have to contain it xD
42. Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? well Ive heard of oprah more often soooo... neither =p
43. Basketball or Football? basketball, they are the best workers.
44. How long do your showers last? ten minutes on the dot. not sure why
45. Automatic or do you drive a stick? I have a stick! *ringring*
46. Cake or ice cream? * pupils go (°)(°) * did somebody say sooft iiiice?
47. Are you self-conscious? uh. theres at least three totally different meanings to that. meh, Ill squeeze myself to say yes to them.
48. Have you ever drank so much you threw up? first time all the wayyy! ouzo just tasted so nice and I had no idea of anything. my friend said he wasnt my maiden (I dont see him anymore xD) and it never tasted that nice from then on boohoo xD
49. Have you ever given money to a beggar? often do. but I shouldnt.
50. Have you been in love? loves not for me but indeed I was a few times.
51. Where do you wish you were? further
52. Are you wearing socks? no. and the things I go with are freezing because I forgot to close the window while writing this *closes window* xD
53. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? I dont think so
54. Can you tango? hummmmm :(
55. Last gift you received? a certain complimenting eye contact after a certain critique about firm policy
56. Last sport you played? I have to bicycle... Im a textpotatoe tho mostly.
57. Things you spend a lot of money on? virtually nothing, except books and somewhat food. everything I like they take out of the stores tho; they let me discover it and throw it after at most three months ><
58. Where do you live? germany
59. Where were you born? eyyy
60. Last wedding attended? the one where I cried and rumbled because it was so boring. I wonder why none came after that...
61. {Made up question} Answer to life? life doesnt ask any questions. but to be a tiny feezle bitsy more forthcoming, art, circles, consciousness and unconsciousness, hermeneutics, science, expertise, endurance, etc etc etc
62. {Made up question} Favourite Celebration?: any justified one
63. Most hated food? horse raddish and carrot juice, the only stuff I dont put inside me. but Im tolerant, as long as its not in the same country you may eat it ;D
64. What’s your least fav.? I really dont need high quality things. I know Im a clutz~
65. Can you sing? I like to at least xD just as beatboxing, or dancing. Im too shy so Ill never know x3
66. Last person you instant messaged? cant handle those things.
67. Last place you went on holiday? denmark (I went with friends last time, hotdogs werent the only thing going on then~)
68. Favourite regular drink? MY orangejuice!- MYYYY orrangge juuiiiice!!!
69. Current Song? one of those: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis.....eature=mh_lolz

I really like conversation, so this might be of help. I like this test so much that I collected all the wordings of traits; they seem relatively to the point! its a word file if you want it and its mostly complete and with the contraries, but without the "con-texts" I THINK I could make it txt too if it suits you better.

source: http://www.signalpatterns.com/psych.....entral/results

---

1/2 usually Im kinda tired/angry and havent found quite the right way to remain a really nice person to go with that
fits too. Im proud of it, despite it gives me a clear feeling of bad weaknesses, which sounds boring.
isnt it funny how being tired has its good sides??


Abrasive

You are accustomed to rubbing people the wrong way; it's simply what happens when you express your opinions. In your opinion, there's nothing wrong with being controversial.

You don't have a "live and let live" attitude when it comes to other people whose opinions clash with yours; you see no reason to give the benefit of the doubt to someone who is just plain wrong.


Introspective

You like your own company; you're a very interesting person. Tracking your own mental processes, knowing what you're thinking and why you do what you do, is important to you. Often, what's going on in your mind is more compelling than what's going on outside. For the most part, those with a high score on the "introspective" trait enjoy reading, taking long walks, learning new things, and other solitary activities.

You are not someone who is constantly looking to be among a group of friends; you never feel bored when you are by yourself.


Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.

You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.


Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.

You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.


Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.

You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.


Innovative

You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.

You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.


Unflappable

You are not a slave to your emotions. It takes a lot to upset or unnerve you. That's why you're a good person to have around in a crisis.

You don't let it all hang out, which means that those around you often don't know the pressures you're under or what you're going through. You're not the kind of person people run from in a crisis.


Intellectual

You are thoughtful, rational, and comfortable in the world of ideas. People find you interesting to talk to. You're the living embodiment of the saying "You learn something new every day." In general, those with a high score on the "intellectual" trait are employed in such fields as teaching and research, and are enthusiastic about reading, foreign films, and classical music.

You do not avoid abstract conversation, experimenting with new ideas, or studying new things. It bores you to stick to the straight and narrow of what you already know.


Impassioned

You have strong opinions and high standards. When others let you down, you're not opposed to giving them a piece of your mind, even if it sometimes mean hurting their feelings.

You are not necessarily a "live and let live" kind of person. You don't always make allowances for others' incompetence or allow annoyances to wash over you. You don't feel it's your job to make everyone feel relaxed and comfortable regardless of whether they've earned it.


Resilient

You bounce back quickly from adversity. For you, all setbacks are temporary. You don't dwell on bad news, bad luck, or criticism; you regroup and focus on solving the problem, whatever it may be.

You almost never feel that there's too much on your plate, that you don't have the strength to deal with the bad hand you've been dealt, or that you're going to lose it if you have to deal with one more problem.

---

2/2 sleeping in is more important than germany! will ya look at that! is me wide awake! Im no log anymore xD but somewhat more fuzzy too huh. still fits tho I think



Understanding

You are willing to take the time to find out what's going on with other people, especially if they're in distress. You're a good listener, you don't criticize, and you offer unbiased, respectful, honest advice when it's requested. With a high score on the "understanding" trait, it is likely that you are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.

You don't feel the need to impose your standards on others or say things that, even though true, cause pain.


Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.

You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.


Sympathetic

You have a knack for knowing what's going on in the hearts and minds of those around you, without their having to tell you explicitly. People tend to turn to you with their problems because they know you care, and that you will likely offer good advice and a helping hand.

You do not feel that people with sad stories are just looking for attention, or have brought their problems upon themselves.


Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.

You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.


Warm

You have a genuine interest in other people. You're a natural host, and are always thinking about how you can increase the happiness of those around you. When friends have problems or are in trouble, you're usually the first person they turn to for aid and comfort. Scoring high on the "warm" trait suggests that you are among those who enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.

You don't always say exactly what you're thinking; you don't like the idea of causing anyone pain because of your criticism.


Empathetic

You are in touch with your own feelings, which helps put you in touch with the feelings of others.

You don't buy the logic that your happiness comes ahead of everyone else's because unless you're happy you're incapable of making anyone else happy.


Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.

and Im glad Im no stereotype, all the challenges xD that way, no characters before captivated me that much. everything is so sophisticated and the subject is so seldomly touched AND great itself!

first off, I think I never loved a person like maul was loved but there are passions I adore, I think I understand. Ive thought of everything else that was depicted or spoken about in there I think. theres not one thing I think I dont understand and intuitively, the only better/bigger movie, as such, is matrix. I should probably not talk in special effects but I dont think that even matters. "its pure creativity" and the growing lack of that because uncreative people get more and more powerful, is a problem of our time. I like our times, except abc weapons were off best of all history. Im probably not knowing of books Id love comes to mind..

using dreams. thats what this journal is about. when I sleep my focus is perfect. its a powerful tool.

My books have texts. I dream of zombies, archytecture, sounds and graphical patterns (one was a nightmare that made me afraid to go back to sleep: tldr: wtf). my series have become huge, I have series in series (which I have mostly forgotten). I believe a bad sleep is subconsciously perceived as some kind of failure because a good waking up makes me not need much sleep and a good dream (especially the series) makes for a better day.
Ive read of someone solving equations in his sleep until he "knew" hed never wake up anymore if hed continue once more.

I find the metaphors pretty easy anyway because I hardly dream of things I havent thought about consciously before.

lucid dreaming, once I managed to plaster textures on surrounding I thought up at will, like the matrix stuff when neo flew into smith in pt1 or other textures.

---

to the point, working with dreams

yea this must be something worth a lot. how do I get there is my open question. maybe its just enthusiasm and pre-dreaming, it might just want to be well organized and trained. maybe I make a second journal about this.

what, in detail, will it be good for.. no Ive talked enough, with the metaphors.. those are the most powerful thing we have in info exchange, they are the bridges between different communication platforms or groups. people have them, languages have translations, computers have switches/servers/etc, pipes have flunches if thats the right word in english, even including the last its all the same, exactly, all relais, and the only important thing Im on about iiis: dreams are SO splendid learning opportunities to gain new metaphors.

of course, if anybody really want to talk seriously about meanings of dreams Im very game but

Id rather like to talk about lucidity if anybody wants to because it heeds so overwhelmingly much potential! exercises would be a good start.. so far I think I can only add that you need to know at which time you actually dream because I can only dream good dreams over the day. but as I said thats only starting.

maybe sometime some freak like me gets intrigued and Ill be glad to have helped.....anonymously and without feedback (><) so here Ill tie it up and go to the next thing. It took me like two weeks, started with a note, ended with my second worst sleep deprivation ever which also was nicer than most sleep ins I had... and as usual, from this side of the river, doesnt even look so cruel anymore. although theres an indeed harsh truth behind it.

I thought the problem was how clinical the system "man" has to become so you master a person. or persons. or doing it all the time. and quickly. and without the care that eats up your time. or judgement. to see the methods and phenomena is easy with a large database of art, there is no security measure of any kind, no copyrights, no encoding, no long waits with the car or figuring out why the contents of this or that book are ordered so stupidly because some scientist thought hed make more money that way. just nature plain to see. just needs a precise knowledge of what youve actually done and seen, and some metaphors on top. and narcissism. and.. no, I think thats pretty much the crux.

I was just bitching because I couldnt let go of my shining armor attitude, because metaphysics are anything to me, I trusted them with everything I was (ugh I want that "old story" to stop raining down on my head xDDD). not cynical, but god knows Im excited in the wrong way << aw man. I feel like when I saw alien and those eggs prove to me that I was OBLIVIOUS of what neatness actually is (not) and what it (not) means. I suddenly saw, and there was no way back. I grew up in a world that actually convinced me we wouldnt live in stone age anymore. I.. this.. (bla). aw well, if strategy is so strongholdish I can "shut the fuck up" as well. What I still dont get is why honor was so important earlier, when pride is such a weakness. I still like honor. that is the first philosophical question, that I dont want to have answered from the spot, and it feels.. not bad. I can wait. Itll come when the time is right. o.o oh wait I just got the answer xD

about shutting up tho xD
I can play the game, but Ill never accept inhumanity. make a scream match with me and I make you cry, and hug you afterwards to make it all better. for real. double suprise if you will. chances are Ill reduce the rumors too. If it doesnt make you (and its prolly gonna..), youll be so hateful that we have to make out with punching gloves. which Id do from the spot since I dig true feelings way to much for everybodies good (or is it~). and in case you actually throw me over, and who knows, maybe you belong to the guys who make it easily, Ill lie there, enjoy my moment of blank, swallow that Im beatn, and do you know what Ima gonna do then? Ill laugh heartily. so heartily, that I just did the freudian and accidentally wrote love instead of laugh. Ill feel a bit quasy on the inside too, because I obviously have the evil inside me where I cant reach, but thats just enough to keep my gears turning strong- and Ill feel very, very warm.

who of the two wolves inside you will take control? the one you nourish! and a few other things xD
Im even noticably less horrorfied-to-whatever-is-the-most-dear-to-you of getting children now.

so the next years include holding eyes open for divinity and zero-point for exp.

huh. my first course of journals and they are about the part of philosophy any philosopher I got to know so far would at least somewhat freak out about. careful!

UPDATE
so what I wrote in my last journal is old now and prolly just interesting to meee

New try xD Im sometimes sloppy, cus Im often in my own world. There Im careful. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are my actual body. Lets say there are astounding parallels. So Im naïve in certain (real ;)) things. I think Im still decicive. I wanna grow and it seems the first best step is to ask for help. But so I don’t ONLY have to spoonfeed myself with my own pride because Id rather learn it myself, I wanna do it right, so Ill be exploring at least:

Lets see- trying to def which basic capability needs what kinda person:
intuition = mentor; strategy = master; tech/education = ~ teacher; communication = guide?
( Id say teacher leans more towards master and guide more to mentor, whereas a mentor respects individuality more and a master less, but that’s blunt. Details at the bottom )

Judging from that, I search...
...guide: im playful here so ill do but hell if id dispense shoves ;)
...Teacher: books, internet, (organization, sense,) strategy, intuition,
I think operationalization is organized through this, somehow, meaning:
practically, to monitor, and theoretically, to prove stuff (justification,legitimization,…)
...master: I need somebody who reminds me on what bodily/real fear is, nobody ever managed to make me go “D:” for real, so I feel somewhat impotent there (naivitee). And theres the first problem: most masters ive seen so far just call “that attitude” (WHICH attitude for crying out loud :|) pathetic, and acting out your conviction is per se pathetic?! No questions asked?!! Winning in chess doesn’t make you a winner. Brutality isn’t efficiency. If at all efficiency is the better brutality, that far I can go, but that’s still … arrogant, its still … not to the point. Good strategy exists solemnly to outdate itself. Through sense. Ignoring that makes you an idiot, and idiots are only good strategizers through luck or good friends or so. At least that’s the tendency. Hrmpf. Yeah well xD
...mentor: cruxes if you’ve been there, pointers if you’ve been near. I have a pragmatical and an ideological motivation to grow (as everybody?), both have in common that I wanna challenge myself. Timing of education/effective study path/career planning. classic example.

from master to mentor, and now, career is right back at discipline, so back to master. seems so much yingyang. The greatest challenge seems to be fidning/recognizing someone who can keep up with that, and wants to give those abilities away then. Okay, they don’t grow on trees I guess, that might be the simple trick. So I gotta look. But Ill still keep thinking too. (grr)

loud thoughts to self:
most psychologist would get defensive about it but I think autism is about "realising brutality without intending to succumbing the least to it", a symptom would be the downright senselessness of speech, for example. completely ignoring people can work wonders for everybody =p ( got that from simplify your life actually, haha, I just didnt allow myself to think about such cruel ideas with like 15) so I was very interested in GITS season 1, and Im gonna get “catcher in the reye” since I keep hearing about it. And theres this study about games I got from a profs private stash (ha!) but that is obviously all theoretical still. Am I supposed to tie myself up myself??! This is just what I mean with mindnumbing slow >< and is -that- pathetic? do I just have to watch those old fighting sports movies to get what strength is all about? I mean the honor thing sounds like a good direction....... Well I knew I have to at least seriously try it for some time.. healthy body healthy mind n such.



- - - - - -
And now the details

Very roughly, for me, now, there is
two categories (main and aux)
with respectively two classes (intuition vs strategy) and (tech/education with/besides intermediation)

__main: confrontation, use (short term?)
-intuition:
building future, awe, curiosity, sense
-strategy:
defense (in abstract: colateral dmg = the future (diverts ressources)). Basic concepts are: the enemy, anger, time, structure, proof/truth, (always was "obvious" to me and without) doubt, I, incap-/ability = low/ confidence

both seem to have typical steps of degradation (I like the table in which those words "play" everyday for me, its gonna be an outragous mnemo technique as well xD). none have to be conscious per se. strategy is pointless without sense, it has to outdate itself (corruption is the method of investment, so if its failed or tied up..).
For laters, (I find interesting that neurological complexes seem to act like psychological ones, obsessive thought for example. Isn’t it strange how easy it is to make a decoy for a baby or a narcissist? Up-bringing through wits? Ultimately, obsessive thoughts of nations/ideologies/lalala)

__Aux: stock, processing (long term?)
category II auxiliary: observation/prepping (I think putting them in extra columns just helps keeping overview, for creating methods and testing empirics and that careful lot)

-technology, education: engineering/equipment, discurse/research
with/besides (mostly)
-intermediation: communication, education; sense, sociology/anthropology, rhetorics, misunderstandings, "knowing your audience", rationalization, clichees, lies, dialectics, propaganda (thats rough and incomplete but pretty much in order)

searching for one, the term sounds a bit....too official. unflexible
Id call it other things but in public I do not know how to make it work yet. sry-- NOT =p

not a slutty relationship, I dont wanna preserve fears
rather some education about knowing the relation of nature, the individual, everything else, and historical development.

Its not like I travel the world or rule a kingdom (I guess being the boss of a boss of a boss would start counting as that) but Ive seen a lot with dedication, I guess that would make me able to go fast steps if you need me to,

wont say there wont be any demands (ethical mostly, which implies content) that might butt in from my side tho
I wouldnt let you carry a burden and I dont like _lies_ about motives.

my problem is pretty hermeneutical so Im not sure if its gonna get easy to deliver content.
my intuition works exorbitantly well so if you think you can keep up it should at least be exciting andor highly interesting.

also, if youd rather per mail: ed.bew 1liamaf