I know I rarely post here... but would any of you be interested in seeing my art even if it isn't furry-related? :)

My laptop keeps randomly shutting off.
It's not overheating.
It's plugged in and charging.
I have no idea what's wrong... Looks like I'll need a new one. :/

Blog and write poetry.
And you should check it out. ;D

Blog: dynamic-consideration.blogspot.ca
Poems: hellopoetry.com/chey-ferrill/


Additionally, life is going okay right now. Not great, but it's manageable...

One of my ferrets went missing and we believe she got out. Either someone found her or she passed away. I put up posters in and around my building but my landlord called and demanded I take them down.
Outside of that, I'm unemployed and poor and horribly drowning in debt.
:'3

I got fired today.
I wasn't even fired for something horrible.
I was fired because one of the bosses heard me swear. Not at a customer, not at anyone.
It's awesome.
Now I have no job, no money, and I'm going to be struggling until I can find something new.
And of course, all of this right after we move into a new apartment.
Great.

UHHH.

Job sucks.

Boyfriend is awesome.

We got an apartment (David, Lucas, and I).

I got ferrets.

That is all.

Stuff is okay, I suppose.

Going to EuroGamer in a little over two weeks -- so that's pretty exciting. I've never been on a plane before, never even left my own province, to be honest.

I doubt that anyone will read this, but if you do . . . hi. c:

I've got a bit of a (fucking massive) crush on this guy I work with, so that's pretty swell. We text a lot, he's a cool guy overall. Older than me be four years, which is not at all in my norm. I usually prefer to stick with safe and close to my age. WHATEVERRR. I do what I want, yo.

Lately I feel as if I've drifted away from most of the friends I met through the internet, and I really miss them. I always feel as if they hate me or don't want to talk to me, so I'm too afraid to send messages. Kind of lame, I know.

Anyway, yeah . . . Still working, that's fine. I go to the gym three to four days per week (though I skipped out this week because I was busy with people). It's not making a huge difference, but every bit helps.

Love ya~ <3

.-. I'm not dead, I swear.
Just figured I'd say so.

So I hit 1000 subscribers on Youtube today . . . I don't even know what to think, I'm so stunned and thrilled and apofihusdjsgfj. ;//u//;

Looking for a human artist to commission~~
I'd like some art for my youtube channel and my twitter and such. x3 Human art, preferably! (Pokermanz art works, too).

So,. suggest artists to me. People from here on FA or on dA work best for me, but I'll look at people from other places as well. Again, I don't want furry / anthro art. Humans and Pokermanz.

I have money. :3 I can pay as long as the prices are reasonable -- so please, don't suggest someone who will charge me like $100.00 for a bust shot. xD

After a three month long recording hiatus, I have opted to continue my Pokemon LeafGreen randomized nuzlocke. :DDD Yayyyy. http://www.youtube.com/user/HauntedMProductions

That's all. You may go now. <3

For those of you wondering (the few who care <3) what I've been up to lately, here's a little video of my horrid mug. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sA2YS7i1_E

I'm considering streaming some Pokemon in an hour or so, I guess we'll see at that time. If I do, keep your eyes open for the journal and then come and join me. <3

Anddd . . . anyone have pokemon X and Y who hasn't added me yet? >:I

EDIT: I nearly forgot to add this little part. For those who don't already know I quit my job at that shitty pizza place and was hired for a full-time position elsewhere. I am now an Apple Tech Advisor~ Basically, when people call AppleCare with problems for their iOS device (iPod, iPad, iPhone), I'm one of the individuals who answer the phone and try to trouble-shoot the issue.

Fun, fun, fun~ I sit on my butt all day and answer phones. Certainly won't help me lose weight, but it's an easy job and so far I'm doing great. :DDDD

I've developed a bit of a fascination with breeding for Natures and IVs . . . it is insanely time consuming and frankly there's no reason for me to do it (I don't battle competitively or anything like that). Now, I find myself in a position of not knowing what to breed, so THAT'S WHERE YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE COME INTO PLAY. Suggest Pokemon for me to breed, including natures, abilities, and which IVs they should have please? <3

Uh . . . let's see . . .

I got a full-time job that I'll be starting in mid-November, so goodbye shitty pizza place hours and hello decent paycheques! So excited to be making real fucking money, UGH! It took everything I had not to tell one of my manager's to go fuck himself last night at work. I was going to give two weeks notice, but now I'm thinking I'll just drop those bastards like a ton of bricks. :I The way they are toward me just . . . ugh.

What else . . . uh . . . Shoot me your friend codes and add me. Mine is 2165 - 6245 - 9431 ~ I feel like I need to be friends with more people to fully appreciate these games. eue

Alongside that, if anyone is looking for a pokemon with a certain nature and ability, you should let me know. I actually really enjoy hatching eggs, so I wouldn't mind making babies for you. xD; Maybe that's weird, I don't know.

Anyway . . . that's about it.
<3

Hello, all you beautiful people out there. This is your resident foul language expert, bringing you a short dose of story time. C: While I could probably think of hundreds of stupid and silly tales to tell, I figure I’ll start with one that’s a little bit (or a lot) closer to my heart than most others.

The first time I fell in love I was fifteen years old. Looking back, that seems ridiculously young to have so readily given my heart away – and perhaps it was. My closest friend, Kat, had recently met a boy; a junior while we were both still sophomores. He was a bit of an oddball, with his hair dyed blue and piercings in his brow and lower lip. Overall, he was not the sort of guy who I wanted my friend to be with. Still, I opted to be supportive in her endeavour to get close to the boy we called Blue and not long after we reached a time where we were all quite close.

It was not long before our lunch breaks were spent seeking out Blue and his best friend, so that the four of us might go on a grand adventure. We had learned Blue’s name to be Devon (or rather, I had, as Kat already knew), and his friend to be named Lucas. Most often, we would find he and Devon sheltered in the library playing games on their PSPs. Those were some of the best times of my life, as pathetic as that may be.

Somehow, during the time we all spent together, I developed the slightest hint of affection toward the quiet boy with curly hair, who seemed utterly lost when Devon was not around. He wasn’t all the talkative and seemed content to keep to himself. When I managed to earn a smile from him, I always felt as though I had accomplished something grand, and his blue eyes were the most captivating I had ever encountered – and remain as such to this day.

One night, Kat and I convinced Lucas and Devon to stay after school with us and catch the late bus that would run a few hours later. During the next three hours, we spent a lot of time roaming the school, just being ourselves and playing around. When the time came to go home, Kat and I hopped on the bus that headed to our town, while Devon and Lucas claimed seats on the bus that ran the other direction.

Throughout the ride, my best friend and I gushed about the boys and our feelings for them. Rather than wait for my own stop, as Kat had to walk down her road alone, I got off at her stop and we made the walk together. I gave my mom a call when we got there, and she (rather angrily) agreed to come and pick me up. In the meantime, Kat made us grilled cheese sandwiches and we hopped on good old MSN. It would be a lie if I said I wasn’t hoping Lucas would be online, and an even bigger lie if I said I didn’t leap at the chance to talk to him.

After several minutes of friendly conversation mostly headed by me – not that it was a bad thing – Kat convinced me to ask him out. Hands shaking, heart in my throat, I typed the words that had been on the tip of my tongue. “Will you go out with me?”

Silence. No new messages, no symbol to indicate he was typing a reply. My nervous question was met by nothingness. Kat tried to reassure me that he was probably just busy, and yet I had the distinct impression that I had been blown off. Two minutes pass, five, ten, fifteen . . . nearly twenty minutes later the message window flashed orange. “Sorry, mother made me do the dishes. Gotta go, bye.” And then he was offline.

I didn’t get a yes, I didn’t get a no – fuck, I hadn’t even been acknowledged! If you’ve never felt the humiliation of being brushed off by the person you like while your best friend has a front row seat and a grilled cheese sandwich, you haven’t lived.

The conversation between Kat and I seemed to slightly die after that, no thanks to my shattered self-esteem, and my mother arrived to pick me up shortly thereafter. During the ride home, I received a lecture about how angry she was that she had to come get me, and how I should have stayed on the bus. There was the minor granting of brownie points for not letting Kat walk home alone in the dark, but not much.

Each word seemed to enter my head and then fade into the mishmashed hell that was my thoughts. Why didn’t he answer? Did he not get the message? Did he not like me? What an asshole. Was I that bad? Did he say no and the message didn’t go through? Why wouldn’t he just reject me? Luc is such a dick. How am I supposed to act when I see him tomorrow?

You could say that over the next while my relationship with Lucas – that frail contact that had been built around shared friends and interests – was unstable. It was obvious to me that he had received the message and simply opted not to answer. Kat was not impressed, Devon was irritated, and I was hurt. When Lucas was around, the three of us badgered him for a reply (more so on the part of Kat and myself, with a little help from Devon). When Lucas wasn’t around, they attempted to pick me up. Devon said he wasn’t sure what it was, Kat said I was awesome, I struggled to reconstruct my dignity.

For weeks I harassed Lucas for an answer – even a no would suffice! I just needed the closure. There was nothing.

In late November, roughly three weeks after I had asked him out, I forced Luc to accompany me to the semi-formal as my date. Kat and Devon went together, so it really seemed only fitting. As awkward as things were, I did have a good time. I had my first slow dance that night, after our friends pressured us into it. Through public school I hadn’t really had a boyfriend, least of all been to a dance with a date.

Still the dogging continued, and still that blue-eyed little shit refused to give an answer.

On December 17th, 2009, while I was grounded and had tricked my mother into giving me the computer password, I sneaked onto my computer and started up a conversation with him. I told him that he may as well just say no, if he wasn’t going to say yes. Told him that it was driving me crazy to be left hanging . . . and he said okay, that he would give an answer.

He gave me a yes.

We dated for two and a half years, and in that time he was my first real kiss, my first real date, the first person I’d ever touched, the first who had ever touched me, and the first who had ever stolen my heart. He was so many firsts that sometimes I forget there was a time before Lucas had entered my life. He lived forty minutes away from me, and we saw each other on weekends, holidays, and during the summer. I was completely and irrevocably in love with him.

But things weren’t perfect . . . he rarely spoke, and it left me feeling as though I was always talking to myself. We could be on the phone for hours, but if I didn’t talk then we sat in silence. Neither of us could drive, yet I still seemed to be the only one who found a way to see him – be it by getting permission to have him over and having my mom pick him up, or finding a way there to spend the night. I was always the one who had to find a way to be with him, never the other way around.

Around the two year mark, things started to fizzle out for me. I loved him, I loved what we had, but I still wanted more. On and off for six months I fought the feelings away and hoped things would improve, but they didn’t . . . on my final day of high school, I phoned Lucas and told him that we were over.

It broke my heart; shattered it into so many tiny fragments that I wondered if I would feel better again. Hurting him, hearing the sadness in his voice when he begged me not to, knowing that I was ending one of the best things in my life, broke me inside. I cried for several hours straight that night, sobbed and whispered apologies to the air until my throat was raw and my cheeks were burning.

Lucas was my first love, still is. Clarrance was my second, and still is. In twenty years, I have been in love twice. I have readily given my heart to other people, and I have just as readily ended things. Even while I move on and change and learn, I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love again.

To be honest, I don’t think I want to be . . .

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I’m sorry, my thoughts got muddled. At first I knew what I wanted to write, and then I didn’t. I sort of just gushed out my thoughts – at least, the ones that aren’t too personal.

THANKS FOR JOINING US FOR ‘STORY TIME WITH MUCK’. :I

xx Muck <3

I kind of want to do a sort of 'story time' journal every week or so . . . not sure if anyone would read it, but it would be a nice chance for me to relive some of my younger days (since, y'know, I'm so old).

So anyway, yeah . . . maybe I'll do that. My first story will either be "My first time in love" or something like "The day I threw pickle juice on an asshole's shirt". Jkjk. I dunno what I'd talk about.

ALSO, SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION; http://www.youtube.com/user/HauntedMProductions

;//n//;

First part of my really badly done Nuzlocke, yayyyy. The second part is better . . . a lot better. xD;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIxn8iNeyrk

Skip the first minute if you want to avoid listening to me explain what the hell I'm doing. //embarrassed rambling// Kthxbye.

I'm not dead.

That is all.
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Naw, just fuckin' with ya~ There's more. -u-
Work kind of sucks, I hate my job and my hours are unstable as fuck. I'm going to keep searching for a different one while I work at this place. Hopefully I can get a job at a call centre or something like that - somewhere that I just sit and talk to people all fucking day and screw you if you don't like me, managers. :P

What else . . . Pokemon X and Y come out on Saturday, and I'll be picking up my preorder from EB Games (Canadian name for Gamestop) as soon as the mall opens up. NO TIME TO DAWDLE. c: I'm pretty stoked although so far the Mega Evolutions and shit turn me away from the game. We'll see what happens.

I also grew a pair of metaphorical testicles and started to record a nuzlocke to post on Youtube. First two parts are all prepared, I just have to actually release them. Kind of nervous, also sad because I know I'm not that interesting to watch. orz

Okay, now I'm done.

xx Muck <3

I wish I had an eating disorder.

I don’t know how long I have felt this way, just that it has been a long time. Whenever I eat, or think of eating, or feel so damn hungry that I know my will power will not force down the temptation, I can’t help but think “wouldn’t it be so much easier if I could starve myself”. These things aren’t something to joke about, I know that. I’m not some heartless chick who doesn’t know anything about what that sort of thing can do to a person.

Kill your own body. In a sense, that’s what anorexia and bulimia are; a way to murder one’s own being from the inside out. It is suicide, essentially.

I know all of this, and yet I still can’t help but wish that I could do that. The fear of death and hurting those I care about stops me, but the self-loathing propels me forward. Starving yourself for short periods doesn’t work, and yet there are times when I’ll purposely wait until twenty-four hours have passed before I dare consume another morsel.

Hating myself doesn’t do me any good, but I don’t know what else to do. To an extent, I’ve been trying to eat healthier and lose a bit of weight . . . the results are not quick enough for me to stick to it. The food doesn’t seem to fill me and in the end I graze in the manner of a bovine; just laze about and stuff myself slowly. This habit needs to stop but I lack the self-control, the patience, the pure understanding of the human body.

I can’t keep doing this, though. That is, cannot continue to wake up hating myself and go to sleep in the same way. I’m tired of wanting to cry because I hate who I am and it drives me so crazy. Public places repulse me, both because I loathe human contact, and because I fear what others think of me, in my less than perfect body.

As it turns out I don’t want to work out all by myself, and all of my friends are too naturally skinny, too pretty, to need to.

Sometimes I just want to vent, but even when my friends say they understand, I don’t think they do. People who are skinny, who have never been my size, never will be, can’t understand. Even though I want to make a change, it takes forever. I’ve mostly stopped eating pastas, no more chocolate, no potato chips, stopped spending so much time at the computer. I choose to walk more places now, if they aren’t too far or it isn’t swelteringly hot outside. It isn’t changing anything.

I hate who I am, have always hated who I am. The fatter I get the more I hate myself and the more desperately I wish that I had an eating disorder. I wish I had a disease. Maybe that in and of itself is fucked up, is a disease. I don’t know.

xx Muck

It's no book store but who gives a fuck? Got myself a job at one of the pizza places not far from my apartment. <3 I can walk there in under twenty minutes, which is fabu.

It isn't a lot of hours but I'm happy nonetheless.

Okay, soaring out now~

Surprise surprise, I didn't get the job. I knew I wouldn't, no one wants to hire me. So, any shred of a good mood I was in is now gone. Leave me alone.

I'm starting to feel like life isn't quite worth it. e3e I'm just tired of everything, tired of living. Can I just go to sleep and never, ever have to get up again . . . ?

Please don't come tell me "it'll get better", because it won't. It doesn't. The end. :I

Anyway . . . I'm gonna stream.

http://www.livestream.com/hauntedmuck

But I'm not sure what to play. ouo Help me choose?

I can play:
Red / Blue / Yellow
Gold / Silver / Crystal
Ruby / Sapphire / Emerald
FireRed / LeafGreen
(Maybe a DS game, idk. I'm feeling old school.)

And should I do:
Randomizer
Nuzlocke
Wedlocke
Mono-type
Regular

So yeah, let me know. You can also combine two of them (ex. Nuzlocke + Mono-type or Randomizer + Wedlocke).

I dunno, just post your suggestions please? ;u;

Gonna play some Pokemon or somethin', in a call with my baby . Feel free to come chat us up~

http://www.livestream.com/hauntedmuck

;u; https://twitter.com/HauntedMuck

I made an account, but I'm a little new to this. Ummm . . . if you're interested in knowing when I'm streaming or whatever, you can just follow me.
Either way. There it is~ <3