I'm making this entry because I'm curious if anyone is listening..... Well, are you, or have I been silenced on here too? Unless I have certain standings (race, gender, sexuality, pronouns, political standings, etc.), I don't have a voice unless it's popular. If I told you my life, you would be amazed that I haven't done the unthinkable sooner... So I ask again, can you hear me?

New decade, new mood, & a true new start... so where & how do I begin. Hmmm, well I guess I should say that first acknowledged that this decade was all about learning. Especially about one's true self, growing spiritually, physically, mentally, & with patience (still figuring that part out sadly). So after going through the mental rollercoaster with depression, living experience for the best yet to the worst (moving out, cons, trips, & festivities of that sort losing more then just a shit ton of money), confidence building yet destroying (getting out of being anti-social but depression destroying it), loneliness (no sexual intimacy or dates in years) impatience (going quick to anger), GREAT financial loss (losing my 2 jobs because of yet again, depression), & I dare even say jealousy (seeing all the happy people). Pretty much breaking me in a way on the edge of at failing at a dangerous attempt on my life by my own hands. Seeing the right things at the end of the year, reading up on new topics to greatly improve, & succeeding in fields I've never gave a second glance to. Seeing that this might be a bridge to travel across now, needing to make my moves. Getting older & more alert to my surroundings not failing to capitalize on things I've been letting pass me by out of the thought of fear. Time to man up & seize the day/moment. Though I ask myself "why am I writing this?" not only to say silently, but openly to the world little by little. SO, with all these words possibly meaning nothing (because at the time of writing this I was dead tired, insomnia's a bitch), I will have to say this new year will bring nothing BUT the best to not just myself but to all mentally, physically, & spiritually that are going through the rings of hell as I once did only to brought to the absolute best. Welcome brothers & sisters to New Beginnings to the silvers, golds, & all the riches to our new lives, so let's start & prepare now to a brand new decade! Happy New year & decade, let's start this off right!

I highly recommend this movie made by the hands of Ralph Bakshi who's made Fritz the Cat. The deeper meaning that Mr. Bakshi put in this must be viewed first hand. You have to break the meaning on what he goes on about. Blacks, whites, homos, Jews & Italians are all stereotyped in a way that COULD anger you but seeing what Mr. Bakshi witnessed (what it's mainly based off of" makes you fall in love. I won't spoil it, but if you're into Fritz the Cat, the 70's feel & wild stories, Ralph Bakshi's "Coonskin" is all for you.

Since I don't know anyone on here technically, I feel it's safe even among those that silent speech. I'm depressed, flat out. I don't have the motivation to move, eat, or hardly sleep. I only move because I have roommates & as a man, I HATE to see or feel people carry me. I only eat because I force food down my throat, even then I get sick & feel like throwing up or I just simply chock on my food. As for sleep... I just keep my eyes closed until something happens, or I might just pass out.

For the first time in my life, I finally put one bullet in my rifle. I always check to see if it's clear & all that, that it's "clean" (it's never been shot, & was giving to me), by fully loading & unloading. I DO Not cry, but I felt my eyes flood & my lip quiver. I hated that, I HATE feeling weak & vulnerable & that was all day even at Dragoncon. If things go wrong after this con... I'm done.

I went to DragonCon by myself for once, no too bad of start. Only later I realized even when I had my friends near, I still felt alone. Like there's one thing going to a Meet & Greet to see other furrirs only to feel blacklisted with no rep. I don't think I belong here or anywhere. I have no place in society, subculture or normal culture. I feel like a true Outcast of the outcast, I'm socially awkward like most people of this culture. though, you can reach out and actually get to meet with someone and talk with them and vibe. Unlike me, I'm just a Ugly Duckling among everybody that feels like an ugly duck

I have friends but honestly I feel like me being around is just a burden. I'm only used like cattle, & I fail to just say "no" like a good little bitch. I don't have a purpose other then to destory this sexualized world people keep trying to teach babies(more then two genders, saying kids can switch sexes & shut like that). I need a drink & to clean my room... I just flipped this bitch upside down & I have to clean it up...

Though honestly.... I just want to die, but I can't... at least not yet. I need to out live my parents. As much as I love them both, I'm not sure if I can hold out, I can hear my mother's screams of pain echoing in my head like the day she got a call about my grandmother. Plus I don't want my father to bury another one close to him (since I think, I'm all he has even though he lives with his son /my brother), I mean he's 76 but still. They're pretty much why I'm still here. That plus the unknown, which terrifies me.

Seriously where do you go when you die, no one truly knows. Some say Heaven or Hell atheist & their big brains say nothing, Buddhist day another life, all in all, I'm scared of that.... I'm stuck in this loop, & I have no idea how to make it stop or at least easier.

Welp, tonight I either broke or breakout! Hella introvert to the MAX, I missed out on meeting Rob Zombie but fuck it. Front row to see the Twins of Evil: Zombie & Manson! Pray that I breakout of my shell!