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i wonder how raunchy of a character i would still be if i had a father tbh

Just a quick vent. Sorta disappointed in myself for never attempting suicide. I don’t normally condone suicide, but I’d be chill with it in my case. My immense fear of death and the afterlife prevents me from going through with an attempt, unfortunately. I’m secretly an arrogant attention whore however, so I also want to survive so that people can tell me how worried I made them. I don’t do something more absolute because I fear death and impairing myself, and I don’t do something less so because I’m just a narcissist. I would make the literature of this message actually make sense but I really need to do something by e

Sorta starting to wonder what it would be like if someone could beat me to death, I mean probably horrible but at least I wouldn’t be in control. I’ve been wondering about being stabbed or beaten with a metal baseball bat, or how else I could be provoked and hurt and maybe even manipulated to make it a bit more psychological