so I haven't been on fur affinity in a while. I got into a car accident on my way home from work today. I spun like a top into a ditch. It was my own fault, I was driving faster than I should have. I guess it was mainly due to my mental breakdown of having two of my best friends move over two thousand miles away, I dunno. I'm lucky that I'm safe and the car wasn't damaged. I guess that's all. Soon as I have a day off, I'm crawling into a bottle.

So, within two years, or less I've watched some of my friends deal with the fallout of good friends of theirs committing suicide, and it just reminds me that throughout periods of time in between that I was close to doing it myself. I've seen and heard how the reacted and felt, and it is really shitty to watch someone go through all of that pain and suffering. I don't want to be the friend who commits suicide on them, even though I'm going through my own mental turmoil.

Decided to cut the turkey early on changing my age. I'll officially be 24 as of.... I think 7am tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna have to update my artist information.

I know I don't exactly have a huge following, though the people who do watch me are treasured. It means to me that my thoughts and feelings are appreciated in the medium I present them in. That or it is because people who watch me back after I watch them, because they are kind people who wish to do me the same courtesy. Either way. The five people I am proud to have watching my feeds are what I am thankful for here. Them as well as all of the magnificent artists I am watching here. Happy Thanksgiving to those of you United States side. I hope you are all having a wonderful day today, whether you are celebrating the holiday or not.

Gotta remember to not allow myself to get into a funk. No bosses here. http://dagobah.net/flash/party_hard_ukigumo.swf

My brother, mother, best friend and myself are all siting in a tiny room. I'm holding my cat in my arms, barely containing myself, my brother and mother have tears visibly welling in their eyes. I realize I do as well. Tank is meowing, maybe he knows but I don't think so. My heart breaks. The veterinarian and his assistant walk in, solemn and somber. We all listen as the explain the procedure. I set Tank down on the veterinary table and the give him the injection. I pick him up and hold him so he can look out the window. My mother protests saying I should let my brother pet him, but my brother realizes what I'm doing and stands next to me and pets Tank. I wonder in my own mind as we all are shedding tears if Tank is mentally running back home. Back where he belongs. He goes limp in my arms and I begin to crack. I catch a glimpse of my friend's face, tears in her eyes. The veterinarian and his assistant return to the room. I set Tank back onto the table. The Vet explains the second injection after he makes sure Tank is sedated properly. We acknowledge our understanding. They give him the injection as I slip my arm under his head, like he used to when I'd go to sleep. I see my mother and brother each place a hand on him. We all cry as the doctor and assistant stand back. Finally the veterinarian checks for a pulse. He confirms the death, and I weep in a way I don't think I ever have before. The staff leaves the room giving us a moment. MY mother picks up his limp body, cradling him. Somehow, she holds her composure better than my brother or myself. My mother asks if anyone else would like to hold him one last time. I do, I walk over to take hold of him. My mom tells me to be careful, because he's voided himself. I don't care. I cradle him in my arms. I stifle my sobbing as I hold my cat in my arms, tears running down my face onto his head, soaking his fur. I wonder why this cat, a cat I'd come to consider as a son, had to die. I wonder why he had to suffer from cancer. I sway from side to side uttering apologies under my breath. I tell him I love him before I set Tank back down on the table. When we leave the room the assistant tell us that it'll be a week when we'll receive his ashes. I nod and walk out the door first. My brother walks out after I light a cigaret. He tells me he'll drive my car home. I get into the passenger seat and cry the entire way.

I'm walking with her, hand in hand. She's my first girlfriend of high school, my second girlfriend ever. She's beautiful with long dark hair and a smile that stops my heart. We've just started dating, and I couldn't be happier. I told her I'd escort her to the bus to get home. She'd told me how she'd like our first kiss to be, and she told me that she was broken. It didn't matter to me. We're walking away from the school, the sky clear and sunny in the early afternoon. We finally reach the edge of the forest in the back, and I stop her to look into her eyes, the sun played beautifully off of the leaves above us. I hold her in my arms, and we kiss beneath the boughs of the saplings at the beginning of the forest causing time stand still. My heart races and threatens to escape my chest. At the end, I'm shaking, smiling and looking into her beautiful brown eyes. She smiles back at me and I engrave this moment in my heart. I never want this moment to end. It does as all moments do, and I take her hand once more as I escort her through the forest to where she needs to go.

http://dagobah.net/flash/FUCKING_PARTY_HARD.swf Fuck yeah.

The snow falls gently to the ground, no breeze to push or transport it, nothing to break it upon the rocks. I look at the night sky and there are no stars, no sight of the moon or it's corona. Just darkness as little specks of light fall to the earth. I cup my hands and breath into them, I can see the mist escape from between my fingers and I hear the crunch beneath my feet. I'm not walking anywhere in particular. It's just one of those nights where I'm just walking to walk. I couldn't tell you why I walk, I know it isn't to escape. The snow melts on my nose, and it tickles my nose gently, leaving only water and the cold that it once carried. Exhaling deeply, I watch as I disrupt the journey of these wayward travelers on their way to their destination. Perhaps that's what nature does to us on a larger scale. I turn a corner and see the small stream down the block frozen solid, patterns etched upon it's surface. It's black and white, shining in the pale light of a street lamp. The temptation does come to step on it, the part of me that is chaotic and destructive, the part that understands that everything is temporary, regardless of it's timeline. But the part of me that sees the beauty in what is, and the desire to preserve it overrules the other. I'm sure if I was to walk by tomorrow night, I would see it broken or riddled with cracks. I realize though, that that is life. I look down at my feet, snowflakes catching rides upon my shoes like wandering vagabonds, ready to leap forth into a spot it likes. Looking behind myself, I see my footprints in the snow. Perhaps history is like a set of footprints, laid out behind us, ready to fade at a moments notice or be covered up. I'd rather not think of the past. I start up the hill on the road behind my home, my feet slip but I remain adamant on climbing this obstacle. Up here I can feel a slight breeze and I see the snow angle at me. So I place my hands in my pocket, and my nose in my coat and decide that I'll take a shortcut back to my home from here. I cut through the yard of the house I took piano lessons at when I was a child, it's the only way I identify the residence. My shoes begin to soak as I walk down the hill, and I can clearly see my back yard from here, haste taking hold of my steps. Damn it's cold out. I make it to the front door and look back one last time. It looks as though there are two separate tracks even though I know it's only a contiguous line. I suppose that's life. No one can tell where you're going or where you come from unless they follow the footsteps.

Please, give me a reason to stay who I am. Give me a reason to stay where I am. Give me a reason why I should go. Give me a reason that I should know. Give me a reason to bend then break. Give me a reason, show what's at stake. Give me a reason to step off the edge. Give me a reason to walk away.

Von die erste tages wir getroffen, Ich hab liebte dich. Die tages Ich haben dich verloren, meine herz hatte brach im meiner brust. Ich kann nie wieder halten dich im meiner arme, und es zerstort mich. Ich werde lieben dich selbst nach mein eigen tod. Vielleicht, im einer anderes lebensdauer, Ich werden antreffen dich noch ein mal. Aber, Ich muss verbleiben wo Ich bin. Vergeben mich, denn Ich war eine schrecklich vater, und dort ist nichts Ich kann mach zu machen dinge richtig.

We swallow our hearts to save the hearts of the ones we love. Out of fear of their feelings, their hearts, our doubts. We squelch the fires of our own passion so it doesn't burn the bridges to the ones we are closest to, and in the end we are the ones who are consumed. How fickle it is to be destroyed by holy fire when our intentions aren't malcontent. Lips pressed with words we withhold, locking them tight with the same lock we put on our hearts. In the end, we do what we think is best for them, and then we learn to let go.

I doubt anyone is going to look at it in the submissions, but I just wanted to share it. If anyone did stumble upon it and like it, I will be happily surprised. Well, here it is in my journal if anyone cares to look.

They say that the winds of change guide us all, but when did it start to rain? The sands of time I keep treading is getting packed to the ground, and life begins to stagnate. Should I travel to find myself at a different shore, on an unfamiliar land where the sands can flow differently, or should I allow myself to be mired by the mud? Do I simply walk because I must? Or is there a grander intention for my wandering? Predestination is nothing I'd ever want, but the thought of having somewhere to go would be a comfort. As the waves crash against the sky, I ask myself evermore why I wander this open shore. The world gives me no answer, as I know it cannot. Have I not been star crossed enough to realize that looking at the stars, while beautiful, are unattainable for someone with broken wings? For if dreams are what gives our hopes flight, mine have been shattered too many times to take flight now. I wonder for a moment what all of this was for and I look about at the other footsteps on this shore. As far back as I can see, many trail off from mine while many join. I see the places I have buried ones that I love, and that's when I realize that I'm not walking here for myself. I'm walking for those whose footsteps coincide with my own, and for those I have left behind.

So I guess I could say some things about myself, but I really don't think that matters at the moment since I don't really do anything on FA other than look at art, which is magnificent by the way, for those of you who are my favorited artists. I am however going to use this first journal entry to vent and possibly get things off of my chest. I have, thus far spoken to a few friends, and even a family member about what's going on in my love life. Such as the shitty treatment that I've been getting and the fact that I've been cheated on in said relationship, and chose to give another chance. Unfortunately, my partner has not put this second chance I gave to good use. Of course for the first few days things were lovey-dovey, but my poor treatment continued the moment I did something to annoy her. It's getting to be too much for me to take. Well, who am I trying to kid, it's finally more than I'm willing to put myself through, but the thing is that I just don't know if I want to or how to end things. At this point I feel fully justified in contemplating a split, especially since I don't even know why she is with me other than the fact that I have a car and drivers license. I dunno anymore.