It's been a few months since I made an update post, I completely forgot to make one when we figured out what is really wrong with me, and it's worse than simple withdrawals.

I have Akathisia, a somewhat rare condition that can occur going onto, changing doses, or coming off of the type of med I was on. It feels like intense anxiety when it's in full effect, and causes the other things like vomiting. It's like restless legs on steroids in a way too.

I had really hoped it was a shorter term thing, but it can last for months, sources say typically up to six. It can rarely last a year or more.

It's left me pretty much disabled completely, and the longer it goes on the less effective certain medications are becoming and I need to go up on doses.

It's like I'm being tortured or punished, I don't deserve this, no one deserves what this shit does to someone... I just want it to end.

It doesn't help that my psychiatrist appointments are so far apart, I have to go to the emergency department at the hospital she works in just to get medication adjustments.

I just got back from a 6 day stay in the hospital... the unbearable anxiety is under control but related problems persist. I just couldn't stay any longer...

The hospital experience was awful, I'd almost call it traumatic with how the doctor treated me. Right off the bat it felt like she didn't like me, and she wouldn't take my explanation of my problems at face value. It felt like she decided the problem HAD to have a different cause. Like the unbearable anxiety I'm feeling without meds can't possibly be withdrawal even though I know for a fact other people have experienced what I'm experiencing now, caused by the same medication.

I don't know what to do anymore, I might end up going to a different hospital if I can't manage this at home, but I really want to. I have medications to take, but they don't fix everything.

This whole experience has been traumatic, it feels like my life has been ripped apart. I should have never taken that stupid Rexulti, or the doctor should have warned me what might happen.

I'm in a really bad place right now, even with medication there are problems that persist like throwing up certain foods. I'm scared this won't end, but it has to, I can't go on with my life like this.

You read that right, this shit is still hitting me hard. I am NEVER touching a med like Rexulti again, if this is what it's like to come off them. I've been to the hospital twice, and it's been day after day of anxiety, restlessness and a whole bunch of other symptoms. It actually started to feel better for a bit, and then decided on a round two. I have wanted to die multiple times, I just want this insanity to end.

Now to top it off I seem to have a stomach bug of some kind, so I'm dealing with trouble eating, and can't eat certain things without them coming back up. But it could be the med for all I know.

This is hell, this is traumatic, and it's gone on long enough I'm starting to be scared it won't end.

I'm still recovering from the med fuckup I made, it hasn't been as bad, but I haven't been able to sleep without sleeping medication. Right now every day is just running the clock until I can try and sleep again, while putting up with random waves of anxiety. I just want to go back to normal.

I fucked around and now I'm finding out...

I stopped one of my meds, pretty much went cold turkey, and then got hit like a truck by withdrawal symptoms several days later. I am in hell. Taking it again hasn't made them stop right away. I fucked up, and I'm paying. I haven't slept more than four hours over several days.

My doctor hasn't gotten back to me either, so I'm not getting any help until she does. I need sleep, desperately. I fucked up, so fucking bad.

So I have two Bluesky accounts, one is for all my furry stuff, and one is for sonic specific stuff.

You can find the main one here:
https://bsky.app/profile/herculesrazor.bsky.social

and Sonic stuff here:
https://bsky.app/profile/sonicconta.....nt.bsky.social

I got them as a place to try to be more active, though so far I've just been following a bunch of people. At the same time I'm trying to draw more, at least more than once every six months. So I'm thinking I might throw sketches up there, at least so something is getting done.

So people have probably noticed by now that I've been juggling a few different subjects for my art in the past year or so, and I haven't drawn Razor much. I want to start off by saying he's not abandoned, he's still my primary character and always will be.

In a previous journal (a year ago...) I mentioned my health being a limiting factor for my art, and it still is. But it's been less of a problem, as seen in the slight uptick in my upload frequency. Instead it's been my brain.

I don't recall ever talking about my ADHD, but I feel like I need to explain where the hell Pokemon and Sonic even came from. The simple answer is I got back into both of those things and my brain has been hyper fixating on them on and off. Just ADHD things I guess?

I've thought about doing what I did with Ponies. When I was really into the fandom I had a separate account, but managing multiple accounts was a pain.

Lastly, while my Sylveon Martin is obviously another NSFW character, I don't plan to do anything like that with my Sonic art. No character that's me, and I'm serious about it staying a SFW topic, it's just fun.

It feels like I was just turning 32 and tomorrow (Nov 10 2021) I'll be 33. Not sure how to feel about that.

I haven't been drawing a whole lot for a while now, as can be seen by the months long gaps in uploads. The problem isn't lack of ideas, it really has been my health. I have several chronic health conditions that overlap and for a while now they've been absolutely beating the shit out of me, with no real breaks like I used to get from time to time. What's made it worse is that just a week ago my local government decided to remove the pain treatments I was getting from medical coverage, so I'm unable to even get that now.

I do however have a new character I've been working on, as was shown in my previous uploads. I got back into pokemon and something compelled me to make a pokemon oc, so that sort of just happened. Probably still not going to draw him a lot, but he's the simplest of my characters to draw, so for now he's easiest to focus on. Doesn't mean I'm abandoning any of the others, I still have so many ideas for them.

I just wanted to make people aware of what's going on, not looking for sympathy or anything, just figured people should know I'm not dead, just not in great shape for doing art.

Time sure does fly, I don't even know what to say. With how this year has gone I'm not sure I even care for special events like birthdays anymore. x.=.X

On November 10th I'll be turning 30 years old. Not really sure what to say, I've got nothing planned.

The fact I've been alive for 30 years, despite a number of close calls, means I must be doing something right.

So after a bit of thought, I've decided to return to Razor, it's been four years since I drew him last, longer than I'd realized. In the time since I drew him last I've drawn Irso fewer times than I did the last year I was drawing him.

Irso won't disappear completely, I may have reasons to draw him in the future, and Razor will be getting updated with the things I learned designing and drawing Irso. On top of that, there will be a few other minor changes.

I feel now like this is the right way forward.

I haven't wanted to admit it, I've denied it to myself for more than a year, but I just don't feel connected to Irso, and I never really have. I spent a fair bit of time working on him, refining what I wanted him to be as a character, desperately trying to forge some kind of connection to him, make him feel like a part of me like Razor was.

It just hasn't happened.

On top of that I've had several dreams over the last while that have effected the way I feel about all this. In one I had a new character, a blue-gray horse with gray markings, and I spent a bit of time trying to work him out after the dream, but it didn't stick.

Then last night I actually had a dream where I -was- Razor, including being able to fly around and things like that. It made me wonder if I should bring him back or not, which has only really added to the conflicted feelings I'm having.

I really don't know what to do right now, it's heavily effected my will to draw.

I'm now 28 years old! YAY

Two days left, I’m 28 on Nov 10th

I'm turning 28 on November 10th!

I haven't posted a journal here in 5 months, so I figure it's time I updated things.

I'm currently working on Irso's backstory and some more details about how he became what he is now. I'm hoping that if I can flesh him out some more, it'll get me focused on actually doing things with him.

So far I have that he worked for a demolition company before. Any of you that know Razor, and my dragons in general, know that they live in a world where they work with humans, even in cities and the like.

His name before he became Irso was Derick Strong, at least right now. That seems like a good name for him but it may change.

Lastly, how he got into the program that lead to his transformation. Right now, it's a building fell on him. He would have died without the initial procedure, and it wasn't something he was conscious for. After that came the developments that lead to his capabilities.

Right now it's all WIP, and as I figure it out I'll probably write a better post about it. It's very super hero origin story, and I kind of like that about it all.

My girlfriend  sheanar did a little comic thing for my birthday http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18203752/

I think it's absolutely awesome ^.=.^

A friend informed me that someone was using my art without my permission, this journal is for the F-list staff

#55974 ticket number for takedown request.

It's my birthday tomorrow, and the release of Fallout 4! It's like Bethesda is saying Happy Birthday >.=.<

So it's been a while since I made a journal about things, and since I'm going for my second blood draining today I figured now would be a good time to make one.

As above makes clear I'm actually being treated for Hemochromatosis, a genetic disorder that causes iron to build up in my liver and pancreas, eventually killing them both. The treatment is drawing 500mL of blood every week for 10 weeks (today is week 2's treatment). And then every 3-6 months I have to have bloodwork done to make sure things are remaining at a safe level. That's for the rest of my life mind you, this isn't something that goes away.

Other than that, we still aren't sure on the Wilson's disease diagnosis, but a low copper diet seems to have a positive effect so it's getting more certain. I'm still waiting to see a specialist for it, and could be for some time yet. So that's just more of a waiting game.

On the art front I've been focusing a LOT on ponies, and I understand if that's not interesting to some people. Right now my interest seems to be focused on that part of my art, and finishing the Irso ref is taking a lot longer than I expected. I will finish it and get back to drawing muscle and furry stuff, I just can't say when my focus will shift back. I keep hoping to find a balance, but it's just not happening.

Just got back from the hospital, first specialist of probably many I’ll see.

A Hematologist, because not only is the copper out of normal, but so is my blood iron level. It turns out that while we are still unsure of the Wilson’s disease, I have a little over five times the iron level in my blood that I should have.

I have to go for an MRI to make sure I don’t have liver damage, and they need to get my iron level back down. Can you guess how that’s done?
500ml of blood needs to be let out of my body, once a week, for two months. Starting about a month from now, once the MRI and other tests are done.

Fun times… really fun times.

Got the test results back that should have told me if I had Wilson's or not. Instead it was inconclusive, so now I have one more specialist to go see.

I'm seeing a hematologist and a liver specialist.

What this means is more time waiting for answers...

So, it seems as I go I'm finding flaws with the anatomy of parts I've already done, so those bits I've posted are not good references! As they all connect together I have to make adjustments. But this is a good thing, the finished image is going to be vastly more accurate.

Also... Holy Shit HE'S HUGE! Like, over 20 feet wide at the shoulders. I have a grid so I'll be getting an accurate number soon.

So the three things I posted today are part of a much larger project I've decided to work on. While it's prep work for creating a Reference sheet for Irso, I'm not doing just what's needed for that, instead I'm going through and studying everything muscle related and reworking my style.

With the improvements in my skills, and a better understanding of anatomy, I'm going to not only be able to push for more bulk, but draw lower bulk characters a lot better as well.