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Deeper meaning behind my recent commission
General | Posted a month agoWarning! Personal information about coming to terms about be Trans. If you don't want to know about it stop reading.
So I just posted a commission I got of Hino undergoing a gender transformation and transforming into Starr actually had a lot of meaning behind it. Not only is that quite literally the first NSFW piece I have ever commissioned but it also signifies the personal changes I have been going through.
First... Yeah.. there has never been a nsfw picture of Hino before... That is mostly because I never really was comfortable with Hino being male. I always envisioned him as more of an andromorph/cuntboy (yeah i know a lot of people dislike that term) but i was always worried what people would think. Yeah I know that may seem stupid but I went a large portion of my life where, even after I came out as gay i was seen as full "Man". I wasn't the stereotypical gay boy. So... Fast-forward a bit.
At MFF 2024 I had that moment when I saw a fursuit head that was for sale and part of me went... That's me! Yeah, the character was female but It felt more me than my previous fursuits ever had. I tried it on and it fit really well so I got it. I wrestled with the fact that it was a female character for a few weeks but I realized something through it... My body dysmorphia that I have had since i was a child was actually more gender dysmorphia than anything. I have plenty of memories as a kid wishing I was female that I had blocked out. I daydreamed constantly about being anything but what I was. I'm pretty sure it is where my interest in transformation originated. I never fully considered I might be trans before all this because my Interest was never in having breasts. It focused more on below the waist. So, in my mind... if I didn't want to have breasts I must not want to be female therefor I cant be trans... Yeah younger me was an idiot and also gender identity was still very much an evolving thing.
So since MFF I have really come to terms with Yes, I am Trans. I am nonbinary/gender fluid leaning towards female. I started seeing a therapist and, through a much longer process than it ever should have been, started HRT on Oct 9th. All in all, I am feeling much more comfortable with myself and happy that I am moving towards the person I want to be and not what I think I am expected to be.
No I will not get mad at you if you still use Hino or He/Him but I do ask to please try referring to me as Starr and using She/Her pronouns.
So I just posted a commission I got of Hino undergoing a gender transformation and transforming into Starr actually had a lot of meaning behind it. Not only is that quite literally the first NSFW piece I have ever commissioned but it also signifies the personal changes I have been going through.
First... Yeah.. there has never been a nsfw picture of Hino before... That is mostly because I never really was comfortable with Hino being male. I always envisioned him as more of an andromorph/cuntboy (yeah i know a lot of people dislike that term) but i was always worried what people would think. Yeah I know that may seem stupid but I went a large portion of my life where, even after I came out as gay i was seen as full "Man". I wasn't the stereotypical gay boy. So... Fast-forward a bit.
At MFF 2024 I had that moment when I saw a fursuit head that was for sale and part of me went... That's me! Yeah, the character was female but It felt more me than my previous fursuits ever had. I tried it on and it fit really well so I got it. I wrestled with the fact that it was a female character for a few weeks but I realized something through it... My body dysmorphia that I have had since i was a child was actually more gender dysmorphia than anything. I have plenty of memories as a kid wishing I was female that I had blocked out. I daydreamed constantly about being anything but what I was. I'm pretty sure it is where my interest in transformation originated. I never fully considered I might be trans before all this because my Interest was never in having breasts. It focused more on below the waist. So, in my mind... if I didn't want to have breasts I must not want to be female therefor I cant be trans... Yeah younger me was an idiot and also gender identity was still very much an evolving thing.
So since MFF I have really come to terms with Yes, I am Trans. I am nonbinary/gender fluid leaning towards female. I started seeing a therapist and, through a much longer process than it ever should have been, started HRT on Oct 9th. All in all, I am feeling much more comfortable with myself and happy that I am moving towards the person I want to be and not what I think I am expected to be.
No I will not get mad at you if you still use Hino or He/Him but I do ask to please try referring to me as Starr and using She/Her pronouns.
Streaming Paw Patrol: On a role [Stream Over]
General | Posted 7 years agoWatch me play something Silly! Paw Patrol: On a role! https://hino.tigerdile.com/
Stream Over
General | Posted 7 years agoThanks everyone who joined the stream. Next one wont be until after Halloween.
I'm bad at keeping this updated.
General | Posted 7 years agoYeah. I know... I'm really bad at this update thing. Always so much going on and so much still to do.
House: Bought a new place (still in Orlando) that I have to say is an improvement.
Megaplex: Always a million things to do but if you know me you know that's half the fun
Work: Stressful. Lots of change going on.
Me: I think I have come a long way in the past few years. Life has its ups and downs. Some shit happened (no I don't want to get into it) which resulted in some major life changes. I have recovered from the ordeal but life has certainly been different.
So that's it for now. Hope to see a ton of people at Megaplex!
House: Bought a new place (still in Orlando) that I have to say is an improvement.
Megaplex: Always a million things to do but if you know me you know that's half the fun
Work: Stressful. Lots of change going on.
Me: I think I have come a long way in the past few years. Life has its ups and downs. Some shit happened (no I don't want to get into it) which resulted in some major life changes. I have recovered from the ordeal but life has certainly been different.
So that's it for now. Hope to see a ton of people at Megaplex!
Little update
General | Posted 10 years agoWell, work has been keeping me super busy. Being the go to guy in an understaffed IT shop can really suck but it also means a lot of exposure which isn't all that bad.
In other news I am working on finishing my Open Water Scuba Certification again. Got the classes scheduled and all new gear to replace the stuff i got from my father. it was all from 1978.... ALL OF IT. the guy took one look at the gear and said "OMG!". Now that i have some friends who dive I should be going more often.
On the con front... I will be at Fur the More. Hopefully ill get to hang with some friends there. It will be my first non-Working con in over 10 years. I volunteered or staffed every con i have gone too in the last 10 years.... While i like helping out, and obviously i do since i am on the board at Megaplex, Its going to be nice just going to a con as an attendee. Who will I see there?
In other news I am working on finishing my Open Water Scuba Certification again. Got the classes scheduled and all new gear to replace the stuff i got from my father. it was all from 1978.... ALL OF IT. the guy took one look at the gear and said "OMG!". Now that i have some friends who dive I should be going more often.
On the con front... I will be at Fur the More. Hopefully ill get to hang with some friends there. It will be my first non-Working con in over 10 years. I volunteered or staffed every con i have gone too in the last 10 years.... While i like helping out, and obviously i do since i am on the board at Megaplex, Its going to be nice just going to a con as an attendee. Who will I see there?
Thoughts on depression...
General | Posted 11 years agoWith the death of a long time personal hero, Robin Williams, i have been doing a lot of soul searching. His Movies, TV Shows, and Stage Performances got me through some pretty rough times. It's been said that those that make us laugh the most are often the ones that need to laugh the most. Depression is a horrible and crippling condition. I have been through my bouts in the past. Most of them medication induced. I have found it is similar to panic attacks. Enough so that i would say that Clinical Depression is a more severe form of Chronic Panic attacks.
It is extremely difficult for those who have never dealt with severe depression, and likely those with severe panic attacks, to understand what its like. And the Most common responses i hear are things like "It's not that bad" or "Don't be a coward". And please understand I'm not ragging on anyone who may say these things. Most people say it trying to help but what most people don't realize is the tunnel vision that occurs when someone gets into these phases. The Brain concentrate on one thing and no matter what you do you cant shake it. You could almost call it a form of obsession. People suffering from panic attacks tend to focus on the what if topics. But depression is a little different... For those suffering from depression its things like
It doesn't matter how incorrect these statements are, At that time its near impossible to see the truth no matter how hard those around you try to prove it. Its' not until after it has passed that you realize what happened. Over time some people can begin to see the signs of what's coming and, over even longer time, can figure out ways to break the cycle before it fully sets in. This is no easy task to accomplish even if you know the tricks.
I have lost several really close friends to suicide who were too ashamed, too scared or thought they had it under control. All of whom were extremely intelligent individuals with bright futures. At least one of them i know i could have prevented. Even one person is too many. I've made it clear to my friends that if I ever hear them say something that leads me to believe they might truly do something to themselves I will make sure there is never the opportunity. Even if that involves calling 911. Ive driven across the state in the middle of the night and stayed up with them for days to make sure this opportunity never came.
I often worry about loosing a friendship over having to call 911. And it has happened in the past. But I look at it this way... I would rather have my friend be alive and hate me then have to deal with the knowledge, for the rest of my life, that I could have prevented their death.
I beg all my friends who suffer from depression to seek help. To not wait until myself or someone else have to step in. To not wait until its too late. To not wait until someone walks in and finds you. Depression changes minute to minute and having it under control for the moment doesn't mean something wont break through that control. See a doctor. Get help.
It is extremely difficult for those who have never dealt with severe depression, and likely those with severe panic attacks, to understand what its like. And the Most common responses i hear are things like "It's not that bad" or "Don't be a coward". And please understand I'm not ragging on anyone who may say these things. Most people say it trying to help but what most people don't realize is the tunnel vision that occurs when someone gets into these phases. The Brain concentrate on one thing and no matter what you do you cant shake it. You could almost call it a form of obsession. People suffering from panic attacks tend to focus on the what if topics. But depression is a little different... For those suffering from depression its things like
I'm not good enough
I have no one and i will never have anyone
No one will miss meIt doesn't matter how incorrect these statements are, At that time its near impossible to see the truth no matter how hard those around you try to prove it. Its' not until after it has passed that you realize what happened. Over time some people can begin to see the signs of what's coming and, over even longer time, can figure out ways to break the cycle before it fully sets in. This is no easy task to accomplish even if you know the tricks.
I have lost several really close friends to suicide who were too ashamed, too scared or thought they had it under control. All of whom were extremely intelligent individuals with bright futures. At least one of them i know i could have prevented. Even one person is too many. I've made it clear to my friends that if I ever hear them say something that leads me to believe they might truly do something to themselves I will make sure there is never the opportunity. Even if that involves calling 911. Ive driven across the state in the middle of the night and stayed up with them for days to make sure this opportunity never came.
I often worry about loosing a friendship over having to call 911. And it has happened in the past. But I look at it this way... I would rather have my friend be alive and hate me then have to deal with the knowledge, for the rest of my life, that I could have prevented their death.
I beg all my friends who suffer from depression to seek help. To not wait until myself or someone else have to step in. To not wait until its too late. To not wait until someone walks in and finds you. Depression changes minute to minute and having it under control for the moment doesn't mean something wont break through that control. See a doctor. Get help.
