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Posted 9 years agoi'm back, kinda
i missed you
i missed you
I'm sorry.
Posted 10 years agotrigger warning
after my long hiatus, i'm terribly sorry to come through with bad news
thank you to my watchers, my friends, and those of you who have favorited the works in my gallery; i know i no longer post anything here, but i have developed as an artist a bit more thanks to all of you.
however things on my end have been very upsetting, i've lost many things, and gained many negative things that have changed my positive outlook on life.
everything here is special, everything is so beautiful; every sound, every living thing
and i'm so very sorry for any of the bad that happens to each and every one of you. if i could, I would take it all away from you, even if it meant carrying it upon my shoulders.
when i was 12/13, i attempted suicide for the first time. my father was ill and I didn't want to bear losing him.
he passed away shortly after
in that time, my mother, who had always abused me but my father had protected me from for so long, grew more violent. There are days, weeks, months that went by where I simply existed. Every cold word out of her mouth hit me really hard.
I've always felt so very wrong, so in the way of everyone, or everything. Always felt like I was the bad person, and that I deserved to be punished.
My first boyfried was a cutter, 4/5 years older than I was
That was when I first started to self-harm, and it came to a point where he would hurt me too. I still have a cigarette burn on my wrist that reminds me of him and how stupid i was.
One day he was gone; dropped off the face of the earth until about a couple years ago.
He asked me to forgive him and be in a relationship again ; during this time I had been through a couple more abusive relationships, and a few normal ones.
I asked for time, not a day later did I find out that he had asked a mutual friend of ours to date him
I was crushed all over again.
And through this, there were few times where I wallowed in self-pity.
Up until then my attempted suicide count drove up to 15.
drowning, cutting, overdosing, hanging, guns.
every time, something would stop me.
A friend, a relative there to pry me away, be in the hospital.
i met someone that loved me for me, and with him I had a wonderful time.
but it came to where we separated because of my own self-doubt and inhibitions.
He was by my side at every heartbreak, every downside that dragged me across the floor.
One night, I was so very bad. I called him, begged him to come over and be with me.
He was drunk, I said i didn't care.
It's been almost 4 years.
He passed away in a car accident getting to my home.
I will never stop regretting, and I will never forget him.
recently, my relationship with someone has ended.
Through that time I felt my greatest flaws
but i also felt some of my greatest happiness; and for once in my life
at times, they made me forget everything bad and learn to love myself
even if at times i simply couldn't keep my inhibitions away.
there are so many regrets I have that I simply cannot apologize enough for.
nothing can change the past, all we can do is move on and learn from mistakes.
there have been days where I've thought of pleading to be back with them because I've felt that maybe it's just what I need to get me back on my feet
just enough
but I will not
nobody deserves to be with someone that places so little value on their own life.
i think so very long and hard about everything
I don't typically let anyone know what's going on. at my job, everyone thinks I'm fine, I laugh with them, smile as often as i can
Just in case a smile is something someone needs.
but
I haven't been okay for a very long time.
And I've decided that sometime soon
I don't know if today, tomorrow
a week from now
I will take my life.
I am a coward, but in no means is this an easy way out.
People have it so much worse
I am shameful, I am pathetic.
I just hope that someday I'll be forgiven.
I hope that you all smile at least once
remember all the happiness
and don't let the bad things overpower you.
While I'm here, and if you need something; someone to talk to
I will listen to you, and I want you to know that I care for you, and I am so very sorry.
you can PM me here click
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Posted 10 years agoI'm alive