Warning; this piece is long winded, and heartfelt.

An Open Letter of Thank You to VancouFur 2017

Dear Board of Directors, staff and volunteers, fans and attendees of VancouFur 2017,
(Bear with me, readers, there is a load of exposition here!)

I would like to thank each and every one of you for creating a life-time lasting memory! VancouFur was not my first convention, or even my first furry convention. I have been to ‘Comic-Con’, ‘Anime North’, ‘Tsukino Con’, ‘What the Fur?’, and ‘Condition,’ while it lasted! I admit, I perform best, like many of you, as an introvert. Meeting new people is tough, frightening even. These conventions were all fun and enjoyable! But it was at my first VancouFur, here, that I dared to step outside my bounds, and I stepped into the world (SPEHHS STAHY-SHUN) of VancouFur.

I do not believe I have met or even seen, as far as I know, the VancouFur board of directors. Aphinity, Trapa, Mediar, Tony Greyfox, Pdawg, Faye, Rhari. But I wish to thank all of you, and more, and give you all a damn firm hand… er, uhm, paw-shake! Instead I met people like Draggy and Bastian. Vampy and Christofur. Alexi (that damn commie!) and AsherAsher (What a fabulous barkeeper!). Yawg and Koh. Nova and Allosaurex. Rhukai and Onna Noko. Lynwen and Vedrit, Keiki and Prawnskunk. I even got to pester Potoroo and learn from Hazellius and Rhari! The awesome lady who made me and many others an awesome con badge in a party room, the good-fellow who let me taste Drunken Beaver Armada, and the storytelling man who told me the legend of The Machine! (You know who you are!) Many others too, whose names I have sadly neglected to learn or have been lost in a Rum & Coke induced coma! And they all share many things in common. They are kind, and caring. Friendly and funny. Understanding and humble. You are, in my as of now hazy, afterglow-addled mind, some of the best examples of humanity. I thank you for creating a memory I will forever cherish.

I sat in my hotel room chair with a cup of coffee this morning (Sunday, the twelfth of March), rode the bus and rode the ferry, and even now, sit at home in my battle-station (computer chair), with an unbidden smile plastered to my face. I have matured into a (competent, hopefully) young adult, one content with his lot in life. One who experiences highs and lows, suffering and pleasure. But I find it hard to put into words the sheer, unadulterated joy this convention has instilled me with. I was so happy, am so happy, that on the bus towards Tsawwassen, emotion welled with in me, and I cried. Cried! I honestly cried! Tears of happiness! Is this what a ‘con-crash’ is? Oh, I must have looked a fool, a wreck!

People ‘come out’ to friends and family for various reasons. ‘Furry’, to me, never seemed something worth coming out about to someone. It is not a sin that needs to be confessed. Not something to get off my chest. Not something with which to seek attention or validation from my ‘real life’ friends. This convention, above all, would be my strongest argument for informing some of my friends. All in the vain, selfish hope that I could share just a fraction of the joyfulness I have experienced!

I end with advice to those who seek what I seek, and perhaps have yet to find what I have found; a repeat, a first, or another first time, for an experience so fulfilling! Step outside your usual boundaries! (or at least move them several metric metres down the field), dare to be uncomfortable! Be polite and be respectful, even as you thrust forward and advertise adventurousness! You might even surprise yourself with how wondrous things will be! And do not be sad if it doesn’t happen the first time. Do not fear that you will never reach such heights again; for you need only work to make the next time just as great, if not better!

I thank all of you for making such a glorious experience possible.

One hundred-thousand times, thank you!

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you.

Wishing each and every one of you the very best,

- Pataevian.


...VancouFur 2017 was fucking amazing. <3 Art was commissioned. People were met. Geeking and revelry abounded. 10/10, highly recommend it all!

Dear diary,

Life has been good. Decent marks in classes... something to work on, but at least I know I am doing well enough!

I am going to VancouFur this weekend! This is the most exciting bit of news; arriving Friday and leaving Sunday, I hope to meet new people, commission art, and then party with said people! Maybe there will even be some debauchery, who knows? Here's hoping I do not recognize anyone from Normy life, hah! Then again, that might be fun, who knows!

Also, as a fair warning, this will be the end of my 'safe for work' profile. Up 'till now, I've avoided favouriting naughty stuff or posting stuff too explicit. No more! I am embracing the dark side... and the light side... all the sides! I am not an especially discriminatory purveyor of perversity...

Also, I really should rewrite my roleplay treatise...

Wishing you all luck! If you're going to VancouFur, say hi to me! I'll give you an odd look before smiling and saying hello back!

Home again. Back to class. Yay.

Lost some weight, despite all my partying, must have been the rigorous pace set; the fam's home is coming along beautifully. Nice to think that I was able to help!

Back to school. Data analysis, and cost accounting. They only sound boring, they are honestly quite engaging. It's like looking at the cogs that turn the engine of business! Isn't that utterly delightful!? ...What? They are boring? I'm crazy? You know who's crazy?! YOUR MOM. I would know~. Two whirlwind courses for the summer, until a more filled but leisurely pace, come September.

Uhm, oh yes, I picked up books along the way. A whole series, actually. Ever heard of 'Temeraire, His Majesty's Dragon'? I buzzed through the series, ten whole books, as fast as I could, and honestly, Naomi Novik ranks up there with J. K. Rowling. I really enjoyed her series, very engaging, a mix of historical fact, remixed with dragons! Kind of amusing how the world has turned out... The basic premise is: Captain William Laurence of His Majesty's (British) Navy patrols the ocean, hunting the ships of Napoleon's Empire of the early 1800s. He comes across a weakened and hapless French frigate in the south Atlantic, and manages to capture it with minimal losses. Most astonishing, however, is the dragon egg found aboard... a dragon egg all but ready to hatch! From there on, it's a race to the fortress of Gibraltar, where the egg can be transferred to His Majesty's Aerial Corp. A race that won't be won... And please, make a guess, as to who the only person the newly hatched dragon will listen to?

Looked through some of my old Journals... my sense of proofreading is decent, but there is an atrocious amount of errors that I've managed to spot... but that's a digression.

I'm paying off my loan early this year too. No more leases on life. I'm living on my own dollar, (metaphorically, not literally; still at home!) and honestly, I think I'm set, assuming nothing drastic happens. Even if it does, I know what I'm aiming for, and can adjust my sights as needed.

Uhm. 'Dunno what to say. Life is good! Still need to start writing...

I really enjoy that phrase. Did you know they make memes in music form now? It's glorious.

Memes aside, life continues.

Let's see.... school... college... yeah, college sounds vaguely more impressive... carries on, after this intermission!

PREVIOUSLY ON CLONE COLLEGE

Hoss has his grades:

Introduction to Finance 110! * A+!!! * Loving the anti-social not deal with anyone but myself and my own equations math classes! And I was told it was hard.

Business Communications 130! * A! * People are tiring to deal with, but it helps when you, and everyone else, realise you're stuck in the same boat. Lots of group projects, but the teacher was kind... they all are really, but some more so than others.

Introduction to Marketing 110 A- ...!... I'll take it! More group work, and it doesn't help that the prof had slides that differed vastly from the bib.... textbook. Still, a victory.

Introduction to Management 150: Dropped like the NASDAQ. Too many group projects, too little time. So. I either break off mid group, or possibly crash and burn. Earned an angry e-mail for that. Oh well, it -was- a dick move. It was early in the project, they could pick up the pieces and I don't care that much. Will do it later when I have more time.

English 150: Writing Strategies. D. Doh. That's what happens when you miss an essay that constitutes 25% of your grade. With any luck, we can use that D to get a degree... and bribe anyone who says I needed at least a C+... If nothing else, essays aren't the bogeyman they once were. Still tedious as fuck.

Let's see, what were my goals in life again? As of the first of January?

1: Focus on studies. I've done okay so far.

2: Back to the gym. Does once a month count? Still working on this.

3: Writing. Beyond smutty fap fap fap and English essays... heh. nope. Even snuck away from DnD. Oh well. Plenty of free time...

4: Acquire gf. HE SHOOTS... HE CHOKES. No story, just plenty of chances that were missed. Meh. Plenty of fish... but at my age, the clock is ticking, both to get a good, secure job and the woman of my dreams. Maybe I'll settle for a blowjob from a stranger...

5: Sleep. Done and done! I just need structure in my life...

ADDED: #6: Reduce beer intake. Beer is fattening. It's probably the biggest reason, including lack of gym, for weight gain. It's been creeping. But unless the water looks like tea water from the tap, I'm gonna avoid the stuff. Let's see... 3rd of May... let's hold off for two weeks or so, see how that goes.

Current events! I am in Quebec now, helping family with their endless home improvement projects! And while here...

May 20-22 What the Fur?! In Montreal! Looks like a small, but cozy convention! Lets see if I can brush up on my non existent Francais in this time... (Notice how this is two weeks from now, at least, heh, maybe I can find a couple drinking companions...)

May 27-29 Anime North! In Toronto! Holy smokes, they've already sold out of weekend passes, I wonder if buying each individual day would be okay... 20,000 people or so... at least! by Jove, it'll be even more of a zoo than What The Fur! Haha!

June 23-26 Amnesia Rockfest. This poor, quiet town of 900 people is going to be overrun with 100,000 punks, druggies, mohawks, ne'er do wells and people who like to piss in rosebushes. Gott im Himmel! Lucky me already has a room here, this poor town... oh this is going to be glorious.

Gotta go now, three people who read this! Love you all, and next time I check in, I'll tell you about the books I am reading!

Well wishes!

-Pat

A new day dawns, and soon, a new year will rise above the horizon. New challenges, and familiar trials and tribulations await!

A victory:

I have completed another semester at college. Three courses. Three A+ grades. SUCK MY DIIIIIIIIICK.
Economics, Business IT, and 1st Year Accounting part two. I even wrote a minor economics paper, and got full marks on it. (I used buzz-words, and didn't need to cite sources. Booyah). This is unprecedented, but very welcome. The final exams were, frankly put, fucking harrowing, especially in accounting, and it was probably a wake up call, one that I intend to heed, but I ended the course with an A+ grade. Slid flat on my face to the home plate in some cases, but damn son. This is glorious. It feels great. I feel giddy just writing this. If I were a pony, I could imagine a cutie mark consisting of 'Dr/Cr sitting on scales' on my buttocks now. I truly believe I have finally found something I excel at.

A 'not a defeat, we've just been advancing in another direction!'

I've written nothing of any personal nature this year. I have, since the start of this month, been trying to homebrew a setting for DnD for my friends to try, but I'm far from confident in my ability to create a story, much less a dynamic world, and of course I say nothing about me being a dungeon master, but, it's worth flexing a new muscle I suppose. Small part of me looks forward to it, but with upcoming five course semester (we'll see if I drop a course or two), doesn't look like it's in the cards. We shall see. If I'm gonna write, should at least have fun, before trying to satisfy others... Hm, I really do enjoy monologing, so there's that, hee.

This is probably definitely a setback.

I haven't hit the gym in nearly two months. I've been gorging on chocolate... and beer too. Besides being bad on a strained student's strained pocket book, it also strains one's waistline. My gut has gained girth. Oh well. Not particularly alarmed, but I intend to reverse this trend. I should at least put the calories to use in a gym.

To this end... resolutions!

1: Focus on studies. Above all else, this is my future. It will make me money. Money will get me many beers. And freedom. And women too. But really I'd settle for just one that didn't want me just for money... but that's another objective!

2: Back to the Gym! The army of Patavium has become lazy and ill-disciplined, and is unprepared to defend the glorious empire, much less go forth and conquer. We will reform the army, and seize the glory we know we are capable of! (Let's just get a good figure going. Six-packs are a long way away. Especially if six-packs of beer are involved. Teehee.)

3: (somewhat equal to 2). Writing. Write some! Have fun with it, fuck around. Fuck I like that word. Fuck. Unf. Will be taking a mandatory English course, so hopefully that doesn't drain me of writing too much. Gotta save some for myself and my friends. This too is a muscle worth flexing. This and reading. Reading and writing in my leisure time.

4: Acquire gf. I'm woefully inexperienced in this corner. If only it were so easy as just showing off my stallionhood, but no, there's more to it than that. I need to venture into this corner of the world and play the love game. Hell, even a boy friend, or whatever friend at this point would be good. I need to practice... not that someone would ever just be 'practice' to me! But father wants grandchildren... and I hope to raise a family some day too, but before that, baby steps. Hehe, more punnery. This is a secondary objective. Disregard women, acquire currency! And then enter all transactions into accounts...

5: Regulate my sleeping pattern. This is last on the list, but arguably the most important. Without a set schedule, even with holiday work hours, my sleeping has become erratic, (I'm posting this at 2AM!), and my next semester has some early starting times. It seems harmless or even normal from a certain point of view... but for me, this could be the beginning of an insidious spiral. Without sleep, I become sad and angry, and coffee can only stave it off for so long. Eventually, it will coalesce into a metaphorical manifestation of darkness. I see you there, depression, you vulturous beast. It is weak, currently, and can only watch from it's prison, but I know how it works, and like an Elder God, it won't hesitate to corrupt and worm it's way out, if given the chance.

No.

Never again.

My life is mine, forever more. The Fates can spin the web of life as much as they like, but from here on in, I'm tying the strings up according to my designs. A lapse in discipline is hardly distressing, and easily, gladly corrected.

I have scored a major victory, and stand on the cusp of what promises to be a new age. I have categorized my life into ages. Ages lost and forgotten. Ages remembered, ages golden and ages dark. But this? This is happily ever after, and that story has already begun. I expect struggles. And I look forward to them, as a wolf bares it's teeth in a savage grin at the prospect of the hunt. I smell blood this morning, and it smells like victory. ...Gotta stop picking my nose, especially now that it's started to bleed...

Forward, to glory!






P.S. Let's post some old shit that I never got around to posting!

...the Two Thousand Fifteenth Year of the Common Era.

Hehe, long title is long.

Not too much to say on this end, felt like typing something, so why not a journal, people still read those!

Life has taken an interesting turn. Currently, I'm dealing with some hella bug, cold, sickness thingy, so that's an ass-kicking in progress, hopefully over the worst of it. I recently 'quit,' (resigned, to use the proper vernacular), from my grocery store clerk job. Parting on good terms of course, there is a high likelihood that I will work for them in the future... they also just give me a small raise! Which I hope I can hold onto... but, I'm taking a month or so long leave of absence, and traveling east, to Ontario and Quebec! Going to celebrate a conjoined and belated birthday celebration for my Grandparents, see my relatives and friends... mooch off of their room and board in exchange for heavy lifting... and generally get away from most of the world, not that I hold myself in contact with much of anything or anyone anyways!

Life itself has... well, I feel good recently. Up until this cold... now I'm all zombie and apathetic, but I suspect that will pass. But the real news is, I've gone back to school! I've been back for seven weeks now, a whirlwind eight week course called Accounting 110, an introductory course in the business program at the local college... and I am loving it.

Aye, love! LOVE! Numbers... numbers numbers numbers... who would have thought that I would enjoy numbers so much... maybe it's just because the mathematics involved are relatively simple and logical, entering numbers into a journal and posting them to accounts... and then filtering them into financial statements. It can be tedious to be sure, but after a seven (or so) hour whirlwind of numbers one day, I put down my pen... took a break, and thought to myself... "I'm ready for round two!". Lord knows I've posted a lot of young person emo rambles here before, but now, I seriously think I've found a nook for myself. I've even considered aiming for the CPA program, to become a Chartered Professional Accountant... A prestigious acronym I can put down next to my name! After a grueling two year program, but... the challenge looks fun! Who knows where this might take me...

Oh, and there is also a high likelihood that I may visit Condition out in London, Ontario, at the end of July, start of August. If I'm honest, I'm not sure how long I'll stay, I've always been the quiet type at these events, so I don't know too many people... but the events and charity auction are fun, the staff and people are friendly, and by Jove, I needs me some more Furry-books!

It has come to my attention that Condition Furry is, in fact, over. Oops. Been out of the loop for too long...

I 'spose I should update this thingy. I'm still alive! Still doing the whole status quo thing. The only thing I've written was a request from an acquaintance, and an embarrassing one at that, might post it in scraps if people are into... that sort of thing. More ideas that get shunted to the side by my desire to play games and goof off... huh, well at least I enjoy my free time... I'll get to writing eventually.

Hardly a good prospect if I'm ever to get back into this School/University/College thing... oh well, I've got months to procrastinate until I need to worry about the next fall semester! I have great respect for people who can look to the future and still find bravery in their hearts...

Depression is still a thing, and can strike hard and fast, but at least I've got a handle on things, I think, learned tactics and techniques that can bury the fear and terror and anguish. The gym helps, I find, working out does wonders, even a long walk will clear the mind. If nothing else, I know it takes me about three hours to walk from home to downtown, and about half that if I jog it! Also important is a good nights sleep.

I need to read more books. furry, historical, whatever. I need more... I might acquire some if I can will myself to this 'Rainfurest' thing... a friend suggested I pitch in for a room, and it isn't TOO far I 'spose, just across the pond. Just a matter of finding the time. A very good book I read recently... 'Man's Search for Meaning'. by a 'Viktor E. Frankl'. The main story itself is a tad morbid, concerning the author's time spent in a German concentration camp during the second world war... but at the end of the book, he reinforces the title and his teachings in psychiatric health with his experiences. Paraphrasing heavily here, one of the surest ways to keep a man going, is to give him purpose. Give his life meaning, very profound, ah? Now I need to find mine... something to aim for, or at least one that I can live with, both in terms of job appreciation... and living expenses... I cannot live with my parents forever, and 'Positive Ambassador of Change' sounds far too... ironically communist for me to appreciate... it's a work thing, hee.

Merry New Years folks! Whats new and exciting?

I've already made my resolutions back in September, but to reiterate to myself...

Attend gym three (3!) times a week.
Sign back up to college/Uni
Start. Writing. Something.

The first one is surprisingly easy, the third, surprisingly hard. Just gotta put my nose to it.

Had an interesting encounter at work today. May or may not have come face to face with someone I once... uhm, shall we say... 'hooked up with'. That said hook up included A buncha weird 'gym' equipment.... Despite wearing my glasses and having a goatee, I'm pretty sure he recognised me, I certainly recognised him. Oopsy. Cue uncontrollable blushing and awkwardness, ahh well, nothing really happened, so interesting, maybe I should contact him again. He's also from out of town, so a real 'huh, it's a small world', moment...

What else to say... I should read more books. Write more stuff, I need to pump FA for more good authors... and lurk their writings...

Christmas went well, all family members behaved and minded their manners, and I got some awesome shark Pajamas pants. They are glorious.

Life is...not bad at the moment!

Renovating stuff at home, working at work, occasionally getting drunk... I'm a light weight who can hold his liquor! Started hitting the gym, going three days a week, my friend has taken me under his wing as his brotégé, despite him being younger by a year, he knows his stuff. I feel good about my body image, I'm hovering around 175 Ibs (Damn American Imperial Measurements!), and my muscles ache. Just got back from the gym this morning, and discomfort never felt so good.

Still cowering on the university/college front... hiding behind the excuse of work work work all day erry day on week days... and as far as I know, the weekend shuts places of learning down... so I tell myself...

And as to writing? Well I've put pen to paper in brainstorming one of my random ideas, and the best part is, it's only somewhat based off of someone else's work! Friendships in books are another form of social link, beyond enemies, rivals, acquaintances, et cetera... how do they form, how are they shaped? Ahh, for me, I want things to feel real... how to get there... hmm.

"I will go out with my friends and have a good time. I will get back to writing. I will get my life back on the right road."

Words I spoke one year ago. Typed, rather. A vow, that I made to myself. How well did I do?

I'd say half.

I didn't do all that much writing, or at the very least, I have little to show for it. But... the embers are still there... pathetic though they are. More on that later.

Go out with my friends and have a good time... My ace of spades. I have lived life in bars and in basements, had fun, drunk beer to borderline excess, and have new stories to share!

Am I back on the right track? Perhaps... Post Secondary Education is still a distant prospect, but it remains. I can still take up the pen as Alexander once took up the sword. Or Spear... or whatever they called it. Xyston? Cavalry Lance? Muh. I advanced at my work place, and I enjoy my work at the Grocery store, but is that my fate? Surely I can move beyond it and out of the house I was raised in.

Above all else, dark thoughts were minimised this 'year'. Still present, but, perhaps I can fight the darkness now, knowing that I have brave companions at my back, and only the future in front of me.

Got through the book 'Summerhill'. Dude, that's a trippy read, awesome and thought provoking. Truly an adventure, of sorts. A tad hard to follow at points, due to the... shall we say, decentralised (gnhihihihi) nature of the book and it's tale, and it ends on a nice... not cliff hanger... more like, they got to the bottom of the cliff, and there is only wide plain ahead of the heroes. Still though, where will that plain take them? How many more rivers need they cross 'till they are granted peace? A good read. Part way through 'Flight of the Godkin Griffin'... and it has a trippiness all it's own... written in the first person... I don't see that too much these days, it's kind of refreshing!



I need to stop whinning about writing and actually get down to business. I look upon the literary works of others, some of them quite impressive, and see nit pickers picking away, it's almost kind of depressing. Then I remind myself that that will always happen, and that people write on anyways, and others still enjoy it all the same. Not like anyone is expecting a masterwork from an unknown... nice though that might be. I'm supposed to write about things I know.... God in Heaven, I've only experienced childbirth once! (Not counting muh Japanese Anime), how do I write about that? I can be as book-smart as I want, but will that allow me to do anything with it? Will that make it believeable? If I haven't experienced it, how can I relate the experience? How...

...One second while I giggle at all the 'RolePlay funsies' that happen on Second Life without anyone having an ounce of non-virginity... Gnihihihi.

That, and all the good ideas seem to be taken. Do I want to take the effort to create a world of my own? Or do I go the fan fiction route and piggyback off of someone else's hard work? Well hoss, you've gotta start somewhere... Maybe I'll take a leaf out of the book of SummerHill... and quote a once great dragon that was reduced to low-tier raid boss. "...The rules of your cherished reality do not apply!" I fail biology forever and do happy fantasy magicy stuff...

Bah, I'm digressing.

I'm renewing my lease on life. Vows:
1: I will work out more, go to the gym AT LEAST ONCE per week, even if I just flop in the pool. Cannot into swimming...
2: I will approach my univirsity, or even the nearby college, and make overtures towards getting into class, by at LEAST the next school year/cycle, if not snagging a December course or something.
3: I. Will. Bloody. Write. Something.

The world turns. The fates still spin the webs of men's lives.... and my tapestry is no where near finished!

Three commissions, two books and a gas mask later... Condition Wasteland is over. Whew! Fun times, fun times.

My wallet hurts.

I will introduce the commissions as they are completed and posted, but the two books I have acquired are "Summerhill", by one Kevin Frane, a sort of existential questioning philosophical type of book... questioning reality and the like, whats possible, dimension hopping, etc. Sounds fun. Then we have "Flight of the Godkin Griffin", by MCA Hogarth. A book of clashing religions, blanda upping, and lesbians! Okay, so skewed priorities aside, it sounds like a fun book too, and I will write a mini review on both once finished.

Going home tomorrow morning, early early. looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the con, but, I feel kinda lonely, so far from home and my friends.

...and back to work too. Bluh.

Currently reporting from Firebase: Tremblay, I'm currently halfway through my little trip. Code name: Operation AJAX... Also known as Expedition to Condition Wasteland!

One of my cousins had a wedding out in Manitoba, and I managed to tag along. Held out in a place just east of the middle of nowhere, known as the Hitch n Post. Very hick. Very fun! Transportation was provided, so booze could flow freely! Also, the groom's family was of Ukrainian descent... Which meant Ukrainian dancing! Seriously, these guys can move! White people break dancing! Haha, anyways, a good time was had by all.

Now, I managed to piggy back a trip of my own onto this little jaunt.. Starting with a train ride from Winnipeg to Ottawa. Which meant roughly 48 hours on a train. Not the most comfortable arrangement it must be said, traveling economy.. And that's coming from a masochist! If I do this again, I'm biting the bullet and buying a bed. A lot of stops, waiting for other trains... We've been doing this for over a century, you'd think we could put two train tracks side by side.. I can travel a long time by train, just don't ask me to wait! It's the worst part. Most of the staff were friendly and helpful, professional, even bilingual! Food wasn't exceptional, but better than on the plane!

Got to Ottawa, had a good time visiting my auntie, and got drunk with someone I met over the Internet. We discussed life, immigrants, education, and ponies! Going to be doing the same tonight, gonna be bugging two guys down in Oshawa, gonna spend the night while consuming MOAR BOOZE!

Finally, tomorrow morning, I will be hopping a train for London. The final destination.. The last leg. Looking forward to seeing Shar'ei, Miss Mab, Tybalt, and everyone else! Plus I might spend more monies on commissions and such. =3

So. Excited!

Gorgeous outside today, cloudy, but sunny, everything is mostly green, and the neighborhood is alive with activity. Sitting on a deck, listening to obscure French music while tapping away, and no work to worry about beyond my own!

This is day 3 out of 4/5?, spent in Kelowna at my BFF's duplex renting thing. He and all his roomies are out and about, he meeting with his professor, one roomy out to class, and another.... likely plotting evil things. Either way, I've got time to type away, hehe. I must be bi-polar or something, feeling much better from my previous rant, even making stabs at trying for university again, but that's another plan.

Managed to snag some time off not only today, but later in the summer as well. Family wedding you see, another of my cousin's is getting married, I'm gonna be able to actually attend this one. However, once it's done, instead of heading west and back to home (It's several provinces away), I'm gonna sneak off in the other direction to Condition: Wasteland. Still getting it all planned out, but I think I'll make the trip on train, because come on now, trains are cool... and I haven't ridden on enough trains. Return trip will be a flight, because time is of the essence, as they say. Don't even know what I want to do there... maybe commission more stuff, buy more useless but entertaining paraphernalia, and hang out with crazy but cool people!

And I feel like crap. Is this what a caffeine crash is? I only had one Frappuccino this morning, surely thats not it... is it the cookie binge, once more proving that I have very little self control when it comes to food? Simultaneously wanting to run and hide, and also to reach out.

I've made progress since September, there is no doubt of that... career advancement (haha, thats funny, when I really think about it, all that really changed was my title and responsibilities.), lost roughly 20 pounds from my status quo, thats 10% of my bodyweight,... hopefully it was all fat. Keeping with my friends, for the most part... but still, I've done little more... education wise, I haven't even LOOKED at the application forms, much less tried to mend my horrible track record.

Your life will be full of true friendships. Full? I must have a small belly for socialising. Fucking fortune cookies.

Still can't stand to look into the future... I can't even see myself looking my friends in the eyes, to tell them why I'm not currently in university or college or what have you. I hate the idea of being a lowly, helpless, hapless parasite, and yet that image keeps entering my mind, stuck in a job that can't even LEAD me to a dead end, stuck in my parent's house...

Your dearest wish will come true. Time to buy a lotto ticket. Hahaha, I don't even know how to do that, do I just walk up to the counter and receive a random ticket, or do I have to hmmm and haw as I choose which digits to put on it?

Forget lotto tickets, how do I fill in tax forms? Those are important, right? So fucking out of touch with reality, no future... all I see are dark images /emo. Maybe I should get a credit card while I'm at it, build up my credit rating thingy, then giggle as the cops arrest me when I somehow fail to pay for a dragon dildo. What is my purpose? Do I have a purpose? What is life's grand design? I thought I found the answer, that life's only meaning, life's only purpose, is life itself. It is what you make of it. Why can't I make anything of it? Sure, I feel good at work, I enjoy talking, connecting with customers, cracking jokes, but that won't even pay for an apartment, much less food or education.. maybe it will, other people somehow do it...

You must soft-pedal your own ideas for now. What in Heaven's own name does that even mean? I'm supposed to be intelligent and knowledgeable... is that some chinese slang? GOOGLE, ASSIST ME IN THIS TERTIARY MATTER IN MY DARK HOUR. To play down... I must play down my own ideas... Huh. Fucking fortune cookies.


...Deep breathes do a surprisingly good job of calming you down. As does a little bit of pacing around the room, I find. Let the mind wander elsewhere. Tomorrow is another day.

I'm home. Nice and chilly. I'm a couple shades less pale. Managed to finish off a short story, and pending some proofreading...

If you like furry writing, I'd recommend Michael Bard's 'A Horse of Many Colours'. I just recently finished it, and of all the authors to fanboy over, it has to be the dead guy... really a pity, this guy man, so many cool ideas... A bunch of 'transformation' type stuff, from lycanthropy to bio-genetic-engineering, to magic! And everything inbetween... And a bunch of other stuff without the transforming too....
Fifty Shades of Horse
Fifty Shades of Dapple-Grey
Fifty Shades of Grimdark.
Gnihihihi, I'm having fun typing with the keyboard.

Iiiiiiin Mexico! Rough life I tell you, getting dragged along on your parent's adventures... either way, gonna get my pasty ass the most wicked of wicked sunburns... then I'll have an excuse to hide inside and type away on mah stuff!

Scratch that, no sun burn, that'd make even typing painful... I'll find time. Anyways, the temperature is warm, not unbearably so... beautiful sunny skies, good food... some nice babes... some nice dudes too...

Said it before, will say it again, I make a better dreamer than a writer/typer... always thinking of new exploits, or new stories or characters, and I can never find time to flesh them out on the page. That or I get distracted... much more the latter. Am I whining? Probably, but this pretty much amounts to my blog, and I'm pretty certain no one seriously reads my horrendous low-walls of text anyways...

Now to make a whole buncha coats of arms... for plot and backstory, hm! MSPaint here we go!

(...Of our/the Lord/Common Era.)

I'm actually doing pretty well I'd say! While being a bad boy, of course.

Haven't touched video games or my other projects for awhile... instead, I am reading! Mostly the exploits of a certain Hero of the Imperium, as well as the works of one G. Howell; I highly recommend both. You have to pay (unless you know where to look) if you want to read about the good Commissar's adventures, but G. Howell's works are free, for the most part, though I believe some of his work has found it's way onto Amazon/Kindle. You can find those here: http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~howell.....s/stories.html

I'm going to have to throw money at him at some point.

Otherwise, life is good!

...The Ode to Joy is playing.

Likely in Europe.

I have my braces off! Got a retainer in that makes me sound retarded, and it'll be there for the next 2-3 months, before I only need to wear them at night, but hot damn, feels good (in comparison), man.

I'm back to writing! Sort of. I think reading Oscil's stories got some of the juices flowing. Currently working on a 'one shot' of sorts, very bloody and melancholy, with a defiant last stand, of sorts. It's a story that will be buried in it's own universe, but it will be a victory for the nonexistant rebellion. I really have respect for people who can write as seriously as some of the people I've met/seen here. I'm barely on page 8, and I've already done the first draft, let it sit for 6 months, gone back and added to it, revised it, before continuing on.

P.S. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas, and I look forward to a happy new year for one and all!

That last journal I wrote kinda frightened me with how much bile it had, this one is just to sweep it away, mostly.

Ahh December, month of snow (or lots of rain), good ol' Christian capitalism, and other things slightly melancholic.

Feeling a bit down, so lets look on the bright side of things.

Don't know what to say, really... Don't want to post depressing things, and all the goodie stuff is so corny...

Think constant braces -> toothaches -> headaches makes me eligible for medicinal marijuana? Smoke weed erry day, already doped up on Tylenol, my liver is gonna hate me soon.

I want the commisar's hat.

I'm tired after driving through Hell and highwater twice in two days.

Summary:
The fucking morons who built Surrey should all be executed, the 'city' itself bombed, and a fucking highway paved over, or with, the bones and ashes of those who get in the way. WHY WOULD YOU NOT LINK THE MAIN HIGHWAY DIRECTLY TO THE FERRY TERMINAL, YOU CRETINOUS LITTLE VILLAINS!? Maybe there's a way to go around... fucking google maps...

I hate night driving. I hate driving in blinding rain. I hate being close to those 18-wheeler monster trucks. The Coquihalla highway is all that and more, why the fuck did I agree to this, oh my God. I had to pry my fingers off the steering wheel, they'd become white knuckled claws.

Lesson Learned: TEMPTING FATE WHILE NAVIGATING MOTHER FUCKING NATURE'S BITCHINESS RESULTS IN UNPLEASANTNESS. Long story short, ended up in a snow drift with my poor Honda Civic's ass sticking out into the middle of the first lane of traffic. Was able to dig myself out, and a good samaritan stopped to help push me out of the ditch. I drink to you, mustached man from Kelowna, may the fates and the karma counters smile upon you!

On the plus side, I managed to forget it all in a rousing game of 'lets go to the local pub and get smashed!' My friend makes a damn delicious gin and tonic, mmm-mm! Discussing philosophy, world politics, and military thinkers while drunk is most enjoyable, especially when you put on a British accent to help hide your word slurring.

Worth it?
Yes~

Do it again?
Ahahaha, NO.

The days just drift by... it's actually kinda creepy. I've caught myself thinking on some of my days off 'dang, I don't feel like doing anything, if I was working I could at least be making money!' I've gotta find a cure for this funk...

Anyways, its road trip time! I'm going to where they actually have snow in this province, which is most everywhere except here. Had a good laugh when I realised it's nearly December and I'm in the one corner of the country not buried in snow. So I've got all my snow gear, survival kit, winter chains... hopefully nothing will go wrong, weather looks good on my current travel path, and I'm all packed up. By the end of the night, I should be piss drunk in a bar somewhere with my bro!

I actually hate writing, typing, what have you. I'm just capable in that department. Maybe I don't hate it, but I'm more of a day-dreamer than a writer.

I can create a story in my head, but its as if there is a block that prevents me from putting it down on paper.

That, and I'm imitative, as opposed to innovative. I'm much more capable of worming my way into an established universe, something that someone has already created, than I am at creating a new one entirely. I'm like a bad fanfiction waiting to happen. Perhaps I just don't trust my creative side...

wtb [Confidence] pst w/offer.


Also:

FUCKING TEETH.

Will be sooo happy once I'm finally done with these Light-forsaken braces... it'll mean less headaches (and the toothy kinds!), metaphorically and literaly. I'm tired of being unable to fall asleep without taking painkillers.

Well, Halloween was fun, got to dress up at work and frighten the little kids.

Life is kinda boring at the moment. >_>

Work, eat, sleep, go to friend's house... get drunk, regret getting drunk as I try and fail to sleep on the floor... drive home at 6 in the morning after laying in a drunken stupor, and then fully waking up as the alcohol is finally processed...

Still need to get back into writing, I'm like the biggest flop ever for that... muh.

So yeah. <_<

Just like that Beegees song, I'm stayin' alive! With all the high pitched 'ahh's too!

I'm at the one month mark, and I'm doing alright I'd say, back to my old job, seeing my friends a little more, and life is good!

Still need to get back into writing, maybe its all that muckin' aboot that I do that drains my creative reserves... hmm. That, and I need to track down a commission or two, hmhm. Maybe I'll take a biology course, and/or a First-aid coursem just to branch out and learn more, yeah, hmhmmhm... but first, I'm going to be lazy some more, hehe.

Posting from my phone in the middle of a bog, so I'll cut to the chase.

I, like everyone else, have problems. My two headed dragon of depression and 'addictive personality' has once more raised it's ugly mug. Don't worry, I'm not in any serious danger at the moment, but something has to change.

Video games, like most fun time wasters, are best enjoyed in moderation. Moderation is tough for me. Probably a good thing I haven't tried to mod my copy of Skyrim... Either way, I've been putting off things that I've promised to both friends and family. He'll, I've even been putting off getting my own life in order, well this needs to change.

Depression has always been a factor in my life, rarely at the forefront but always lurking below the surface. Ending it all, throwing my life is not preferable, especially considering the investments my family and friends have put into me, it wouldn't be fair to them. Frighteningly, such dark thoughts still pass through my head, and I'm worried that I might act on them at one point.

So, I make a declaration: I'm taking out a new lease on life. I will not play Skyrim.-repeat like a mantra ad nauseum-. I will go out with my friends and have a good time. I will get back to writing. I will get my life back on the right road. I declare, with every ounce of my low reserve of will, that from this day, September 1st in the 2012th year of our lord, I will strive to be a better person. When this day returns in the year 2013, the lease will expire, and I will look back on my resolution. Perhaps then, I wont merely be surviving from day to day... Perhaps then, the future won't be so frightening to contemplate. Now to go home and apologize to my family, I have a deck to help finish. /crack knuckles.