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General | Posted 5 months agoCommissions are generally 70$ for one character.
Can work things out from there
Can work things out from there
Not paying attention
General | Posted 6 months agoFor some reason I thought I had to get an FA+ to have a custom banner. So I have just not had one forever,
One day I hope to be rich enough to support FA five dollars a month, but boy am I struggling right now and an extra five dollars I have to make sure to keep in my account every month is a lot right now.
One day I hope to be rich enough to support FA five dollars a month, but boy am I struggling right now and an extra five dollars I have to make sure to keep in my account every month is a lot right now.
Weekly Auction #2 (0$)
General | Posted 7 months agoNext auction will be run from an image rather than a journal but because I am starting last weeks image "now" I am creating a second journal.
Advertising by showing my work is how I like to play. It motivates me to keep doing my best and not rely on my past works.
Because we are evolving, growing and even decaying. I want to do my best regardless of price because I want to grow.
So here is to diligent practice, and if money comes with that its a bonus, like being paid to go to school.
As always, bid below, start price is 0$ with increments of atleast 5$ (auction ends 5/21/25 at 10am)
Advertising by showing my work is how I like to play. It motivates me to keep doing my best and not rely on my past works.
Because we are evolving, growing and even decaying. I want to do my best regardless of price because I want to grow.
So here is to diligent practice, and if money comes with that its a bonus, like being paid to go to school.
As always, bid below, start price is 0$ with increments of atleast 5$ (auction ends 5/21/25 at 10am)
Full Commission Auction (0$ start)
General | Posted 7 months agoI will succeed this year and become a recognized artist in this fandom.
I have been having trouble finding commissions but will keep working no matter what.
These are full 15-25 hour commission, all you have to do is comment and pay (unless you get it for 0$) Increments are at least 5$
Each piece of art I create I want to be beautiful and unique and I hope this allows me that freedom rather than receiving X amount of money and trying to compare my efforts to that price.
In everything I do I want to push myself, impress and improve.
For these full commisions parameters are; can be SFW or NSFW, but no "Hard kinks". Single characters for now while prices are low.
I love to draw eldritch and monster type stuff, check my gallery.
* * Bidding ends every wednesday at 10pm Eastern time * *
If you want me to start right away on something or perhaps do certain hard kinks, you can always still commission me normally and am doing an extra auto-buy 50$ full commission as I have nothing to work on till Wednesday. Thank you for supporting me on my journey to build my work ethic and become an active artist in this fandom ^^
bidding in comments.
I have been having trouble finding commissions but will keep working no matter what.
These are full 15-25 hour commission, all you have to do is comment and pay (unless you get it for 0$) Increments are at least 5$
Each piece of art I create I want to be beautiful and unique and I hope this allows me that freedom rather than receiving X amount of money and trying to compare my efforts to that price.
In everything I do I want to push myself, impress and improve.
For these full commisions parameters are; can be SFW or NSFW, but no "Hard kinks". Single characters for now while prices are low.
I love to draw eldritch and monster type stuff, check my gallery.
* * Bidding ends every wednesday at 10pm Eastern time * *
If you want me to start right away on something or perhaps do certain hard kinks, you can always still commission me normally and am doing an extra auto-buy 50$ full commission as I have nothing to work on till Wednesday. Thank you for supporting me on my journey to build my work ethic and become an active artist in this fandom ^^
bidding in comments.
FWA commissions
General | Posted 8 months agoI have been creating consistently lately but still need some money for FWA.
Commision me please and I will start immedietly and finish soon ^^ Thank you
Telegram is @marsludo, or send me a note
Commision me please and I will start immedietly and finish soon ^^ Thank you
Telegram is @marsludo, or send me a note
Commissions (garden)
General | Posted 10 months agoSend me notes or contact me on Telegram; "@Marsludo" for commissions.
I want to help my house start a garden, and we are struggling financially. Times are scary and I want to do my best to help, iv been putting in hours in garden but really our roadblock is affording soils.
I want my art to be beautiful in reflection. I am done with kink for now, but would love to receive ideas I can work on and make beautiful and unique. I am looking for things I can show off to my family and friends and be proud of. Iv been working on my Rpg-ph a lot and want to update my Fa with more current showpieces.
$50 to $100 is my price range depending on work and idea. That generally converts for me to 5-8$ and hour. I am willing to do bigger and more expensive ideas depending. Send me a message on telegram and feel free to share your ideas and talk. Thank you <3
I want to help my house start a garden, and we are struggling financially. Times are scary and I want to do my best to help, iv been putting in hours in garden but really our roadblock is affording soils.
I want my art to be beautiful in reflection. I am done with kink for now, but would love to receive ideas I can work on and make beautiful and unique. I am looking for things I can show off to my family and friends and be proud of. Iv been working on my Rpg-ph a lot and want to update my Fa with more current showpieces.
$50 to $100 is my price range depending on work and idea. That generally converts for me to 5-8$ and hour. I am willing to do bigger and more expensive ideas depending. Send me a message on telegram and feel free to share your ideas and talk. Thank you <3
Marsdevil; Born again
General | Posted 11 months agoMy new years resolution was to keep working. You know, its been hard with Ai; I really let it get to me, its like a sanctity of my world growing up and dreaming of fell apart.
But my dream is to change things. Iv been advertising commissions on Telegram and I ran out after completing three this year. Its been a week and I realize I have this wonderful account with nearly 400 followers, so "Commissions open" and what not. 25$ - 250$ depending on what you want and seeing as I have nothing right now you can expect 50% off
My telegram is "@Marsludo" that's best to reach me.
I am a rising phoenix, more motivated than ever. I want to be a powerful artist, never stopping improving.
I love you guys.
But my dream is to change things. Iv been advertising commissions on Telegram and I ran out after completing three this year. Its been a week and I realize I have this wonderful account with nearly 400 followers, so "Commissions open" and what not. 25$ - 250$ depending on what you want and seeing as I have nothing right now you can expect 50% off
My telegram is "@Marsludo" that's best to reach me.
I am a rising phoenix, more motivated than ever. I want to be a powerful artist, never stopping improving.
I love you guys.
Christmas commisions!
General | Posted 3 years agoIts almost Christmas time, and to get into the spirit since I am away from my family (who are always so festive) I want to create some Christmas art
I am opening to do three 50$ Christmas themed commissions of whatever you desire. They will be completed by the 17th because that's when I need some of the money (and I want you to enjoy it by Christmas time ^^)
The commission can be anything Christmas themed, swf or nswf. One character, or two if you want to get two of the slots.
I hope to make this a memorable thing I do every year because I honestly have good memories of and love this holiday.
Thank you <3
Send me a note or telegram if you would like one of the commissions slots.
Ill make a comment on this journal when the slots are filled.
I am opening to do three 50$ Christmas themed commissions of whatever you desire. They will be completed by the 17th because that's when I need some of the money (and I want you to enjoy it by Christmas time ^^)
The commission can be anything Christmas themed, swf or nswf. One character, or two if you want to get two of the slots.
I hope to make this a memorable thing I do every year because I honestly have good memories of and love this holiday.
Thank you <3
Send me a note or telegram if you would like one of the commissions slots.
Ill make a comment on this journal when the slots are filled.
Ignoscego
General | Posted 3 years agoVolebam vesania
Quare?
Because I am bored perhaps. Frightened of what real is, wishing it was something else
tuu fantasy?
Is that what people do; wish upon their dreams and decide what is good and what is evil based upon personal perception?
Is that what people do?
Many break against the trauma of contemplating an end and prophesize a new beginning
Is that vesania?
Or is vesania to fight against the river between us, the winding current of our collective dreaming?
What is a river but a collection of drops?
Cur vesania?
Iv pondered if it's my laziness; a desire to become an effortlessly being, ferality for greatness. I would not feel work, only blissful play.
As you did as a child, too in wonder of the new, to feel the rip of processing
Iv pondered there is something only found in itself.
Clawing as if infuriated at god for his silence.
As if there is a wall between him and me that I am attempting to destroy
Iv pondered if its hatred. A desire to escape this place.
Yet this place is my living, I would not be without it
And you have decided not to hate.
Yet must it be that you are hating; hating work, nothing, and hate itself -Unreconcilable truly
What of building new rather than hating old?
Quare vesania?
Because I fear I am nothing without it. I desire to change from myself.
is this vesania? the notion of changing? Do you revel in your fear?
No
So what then of the reconcilable?
You mantra not to build anxiety over things you cannot presently change
So when faced with the Unreconcilable, I can but do my best.
To appreciate these formless things - That is what I want from vesania.
The ability to forgive oneself and move forward
Failure is inevitable, improvement is pending
I love you.
What do you mean?
It doesnt matter truly
Quare?
Because I am bored perhaps. Frightened of what real is, wishing it was something else
tuu fantasy?
Is that what people do; wish upon their dreams and decide what is good and what is evil based upon personal perception?
Is that what people do?
Many break against the trauma of contemplating an end and prophesize a new beginning
Is that vesania?
Or is vesania to fight against the river between us, the winding current of our collective dreaming?
What is a river but a collection of drops?
Cur vesania?
Iv pondered if it's my laziness; a desire to become an effortlessly being, ferality for greatness. I would not feel work, only blissful play.
As you did as a child, too in wonder of the new, to feel the rip of processing
Iv pondered there is something only found in itself.
Clawing as if infuriated at god for his silence.
As if there is a wall between him and me that I am attempting to destroy
Iv pondered if its hatred. A desire to escape this place.
Yet this place is my living, I would not be without it
And you have decided not to hate.
Yet must it be that you are hating; hating work, nothing, and hate itself -Unreconcilable truly
What of building new rather than hating old?
Quare vesania?
Because I fear I am nothing without it. I desire to change from myself.
is this vesania? the notion of changing? Do you revel in your fear?
No
So what then of the reconcilable?
You mantra not to build anxiety over things you cannot presently change
So when faced with the Unreconcilable, I can but do my best.
To appreciate these formless things - That is what I want from vesania.
The ability to forgive oneself and move forward
Failure is inevitable, improvement is pending
I love you.
What do you mean?
It doesnt matter truly
Nothing anywhere, happening individually.
General | Posted 3 years agoNe-mo's carrot cake is the best slice of cake I have ever had. It reminds me of my brother because he found it before I did and introduced it to me, so maybe there is a bit of nostalgia to it.
You can find the cake at most gas stations for two dollars. It is like a little hidden gem of life. Sometimes you don't need to spend twenty bucks at a fancy restaurant for something nice.
Its a comfort food when life feels really tough.
You can find the cake at most gas stations for two dollars. It is like a little hidden gem of life. Sometimes you don't need to spend twenty bucks at a fancy restaurant for something nice.
Its a comfort food when life feels really tough.
Amber
General | Posted 3 years agoThirteen years old, my first girlfriend and I went to a 4H festival together. So insecure, I asked her to not eat during the provided dinners because I wanted her to prove to me that she loved me. I felt I needed that reassurance that I was important.
She really looked forward to those dinners, she had been talking for weeks about how good the food is at the festival and I wanted to take that from her to feed my ego. I convinced her to fast and cuddle with me in the park.
It hurts me to think of this time when I was such a monster. Hurting Afraid insecure. How someone can be so terrible
If I could have anything now it would be to be slapped until I am crying.
My parents never hit me, wonderful people, really.
I biked forty minutes to a bdsm club but then got scared. I turned around and biked forty minutes back
Why do you desire to be hit?
Because I want to cry. Crying helps me feel alive.
You dont like being hit?
No, I like that too, taking the pain gives my ego an excuse to feel strong, to feel purpose. I guess, its like... for a brief moment I dont feel terrified, like a ravenous animal grasping at rocks as he tumbles down a hill.
It gives a primal feeling of indignation; an energy I can't find anywhere else. After being hit, after crying, I am glowing for days. Its so hard to perfectly describe with such little words.
Why didnt you join the BDSM club?
Because I was afraid, afraid of getting into things I didnt understand, I couldnt trust. The person who introduced me to this experience I talked with for months and I believed in his compassion and I trusted him, I trusted in his love for me.
thats why it felt so good in part. A connection with someone, sharing intense emotion, feeling belonging, like I wasnt falling anymore.
Do you think you will try to find that trust in another in time?
I dont know, I dont know, I... I find myself grasping for that pain, but I dont understand what it means, if it could mean something without love. It hurts that... I placed more of my trust into someone than I ever have and the reason he gave me for
Why he ultimately left me is that I didnt trust him.
You trusted him completly?
What does trust mean? Do I know? Maybe I did, maybe I didnt. What I am is confused. Its possible that I can't comprehend it; Why I analyze everything, I have to know, faith doesnt exist within me,
Maybe all I was, was sufficiently convinced by him.
What are you doing now? Why did you choose to talk with me?
I need a therapist and iv had bad experience with therapists in the past. It hurts more than it helps to go somewhere for an hour and start making a connection and be shoveled out on the hour, reminded that I am paying someone to care about me.
I sense a profoundly negative connotation of money throughout our conversations, where do you think that comes from?
There exists a ravenous hatred within me against anything that people hold sacred. What thing more sacred do people hold than money? The other day I thought of myself as such, "I am a reconstructionist; which means I hate everything and love everyone"
I hate that people cede control of their reality to old answers.
People are what they hold sacred, wouldnt you say so?
Yeah... I guess that makes it tough doesnt it.
Do you think its healthy to hold onto these Ideas of hate?
Thats the whole point of reconstruction is to constantly be changing things, and you have to recognize that things arent ideal to change them? what could I call that but hate?
Are people their thoughts? Are people the constructor and the constructed? or just the constructor?
You watched a movie last night, tell me about that.
Ready Player One. Reductively it was about a virtual reality video game that the whole world seemed to fall into playing. The creator of the game died but before he went he created a subgame that if you were the first to win, you would then own the game, and be able to control it.
So the main characters are trying to win the game in order to save it from generic evil corporation that wants to introduce ads into the game if they gain control of it.
At some point there is an option to destroy the entire game at the push of the button.
So I ask "Perhaps that would be good wouldnt it?"
My friend replies "no way, millions of people would lose their livelyhoods, their jobs, it would be a catastrophe"
and we discuss a little about it and I feel so evil in my thoughts that I would want to dismantle this game. These people that are living in trailers surrounded by trash, in their dead lifeless environments, escaping into this game.
Are we unable to see the world in front of us, distracted by the stories sold to us. Stories of delivering accurate orders for customers in under five minutes. Stories of coming in early and working late so that you can get one step closer to a dollar raise.
Stories of how I need to take pharmacuitical stimulants in high school because I am unable to keep up with the tasks of my fast food job; so I can make 7.25$ an hour.
Is this why you detest the idea of money-?
-Yes! I was taken away from the woods where I ran and played and imagined with things that werent there. I loved myself and I was happy, and my parents, my wonderful parents were sold a story to convince their child into a system that would convince me to hate myself, to see myself as a fucked up creature incapable of doing "simple things". To drug me so that I could fit in and create unhealthy, near poisonous food for strangers.
I hate seeing how twisted people become forcing themselves into boxes. Fitting into uncomfortable clothes to prove they are smart people, smart, calm cool collected people that bend when you tell them to bend, that twist when you tell them to twist. People that are willing to be uncomfortable for your anothers corporate dream.
Inauthenticity eats at me.
Do you suppose that people are inauthentic?
No, not on purpose, I... I suppose... I think its wrong perhaps to believe that people would naturally see themselves this way and accept themselves if they saw them like this?
I feel that you are falling into a sort of savior complex.
I agree, which makes sense because I more or less am you. my only defense that I think its a natural thing people fall into. To feel that they have greater understanding than their fellow man and if they were just listened to.
Arbitrary unification theory?
yeah, iv called it that before. That if everyone just believed what I believed than the world would be at peace. And its true for everyone because of course if there was no disagreement than everything would be at peace.
Yet the opposite of war isnt peace-
-Its creation yeah.
I propose that our disagreement with each other isnt a weakness. That we should find peace. thats what ate me up about RP1. Everyone is defending this unified theory, this game. I believe we are stronger when we are creators, not worshippers of creators, but ourselves holders and implementers of our destinies.
If I saw a giant off switch I would press it. It would hurt certainly. Pain is the fertilizer of our growth. We don't need to wander into the dark to receive our pain but may perceive it in healthy trusted ways. What is sport but a joyous test through pain. Pain is not the opposite of happiness. Pain is the resistance of the world as we press it to grow.
We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams. We are not satisified in this world because it is not our dream. Each generation would delight to live in its own creation, even if its creation is turbulant rapids. Its better to be on a raft in treacherous waters than helpless in calmer waters.
There is a lot of "We" connotation in this philosophy. Do you believe its so universal?
Nothing is universal. I can only understand myself and hope that people will benifit from the tangentical connections to myself.
It sounds like you do not believe anything you are saying then.
It doesnt work like that, its all imperfect language and we do our best.
Do you feel better?
I cried a lot, I always interpret that as good.
What did you learn?
I couldnt tell you exactly. But its something about how I do these crazy things, because I want people to see people as real people. These weird chaotic things, what it looks like when someones, well atleast my mind, is flowing carelessly. That we arent really these things in uncomfortable clothing speaking and being perfect. To convey that we are animals with powerful imaginations running non ideal stories and its bullshit-
-you are beginning another preaching. In short what did you learn?
I am insecure. I write these long frustrating posts because I want people to love me in an impossible way. For them to prove to me that... for me to gain an ego trip off of.. off a dream that maybe I could find a single person that cares enough to stick it out.
over three hundred people watch me and I am willing to scare away the flies in order to reveal the golden geese.
Do you think this is healthy?
No, not really. Part of me is still that thirteen-year-old boy that asked my girlfriend to starve in order for me to feel secure "secure" whatever that means. Loved?
So-
but I continue because I want to bare my soul, to wash away the shadows. We "We" yes we, all have shadows, its a fucked up and terrifying place. I believe it gets better with honesty and trust. I believe we need to see each other not in suits but in our tattered states.
Thats where compassion comes from.
I notice you easily fall into preaching
yeah- its annoying right.
I am not here to judge.
Maybe thats why I want to be slapped so much. Iv started this conversation and I dont know how to stop.
Do you feel you want to stop?
Never, I love it. But its so much... energy? I need that release.
As far as this particular conversation yes. I think I reached whatever it was I was clawing at.
I am glad you feel that way.
Thank you for talking with me, I love you.
do you believe that?
I am uncertain. but I am willing to say it in this moment. Thank you, really.
She really looked forward to those dinners, she had been talking for weeks about how good the food is at the festival and I wanted to take that from her to feed my ego. I convinced her to fast and cuddle with me in the park.
It hurts me to think of this time when I was such a monster. Hurting Afraid insecure. How someone can be so terrible
If I could have anything now it would be to be slapped until I am crying.
My parents never hit me, wonderful people, really.
I biked forty minutes to a bdsm club but then got scared. I turned around and biked forty minutes back
Why do you desire to be hit?
Because I want to cry. Crying helps me feel alive.
You dont like being hit?
No, I like that too, taking the pain gives my ego an excuse to feel strong, to feel purpose. I guess, its like... for a brief moment I dont feel terrified, like a ravenous animal grasping at rocks as he tumbles down a hill.
It gives a primal feeling of indignation; an energy I can't find anywhere else. After being hit, after crying, I am glowing for days. Its so hard to perfectly describe with such little words.
Why didnt you join the BDSM club?
Because I was afraid, afraid of getting into things I didnt understand, I couldnt trust. The person who introduced me to this experience I talked with for months and I believed in his compassion and I trusted him, I trusted in his love for me.
thats why it felt so good in part. A connection with someone, sharing intense emotion, feeling belonging, like I wasnt falling anymore.
Do you think you will try to find that trust in another in time?
I dont know, I dont know, I... I find myself grasping for that pain, but I dont understand what it means, if it could mean something without love. It hurts that... I placed more of my trust into someone than I ever have and the reason he gave me for
Why he ultimately left me is that I didnt trust him.
You trusted him completly?
What does trust mean? Do I know? Maybe I did, maybe I didnt. What I am is confused. Its possible that I can't comprehend it; Why I analyze everything, I have to know, faith doesnt exist within me,
Maybe all I was, was sufficiently convinced by him.
What are you doing now? Why did you choose to talk with me?
I need a therapist and iv had bad experience with therapists in the past. It hurts more than it helps to go somewhere for an hour and start making a connection and be shoveled out on the hour, reminded that I am paying someone to care about me.
I sense a profoundly negative connotation of money throughout our conversations, where do you think that comes from?
There exists a ravenous hatred within me against anything that people hold sacred. What thing more sacred do people hold than money? The other day I thought of myself as such, "I am a reconstructionist; which means I hate everything and love everyone"
I hate that people cede control of their reality to old answers.
People are what they hold sacred, wouldnt you say so?
Yeah... I guess that makes it tough doesnt it.
Do you think its healthy to hold onto these Ideas of hate?
Thats the whole point of reconstruction is to constantly be changing things, and you have to recognize that things arent ideal to change them? what could I call that but hate?
Are people their thoughts? Are people the constructor and the constructed? or just the constructor?
You watched a movie last night, tell me about that.
Ready Player One. Reductively it was about a virtual reality video game that the whole world seemed to fall into playing. The creator of the game died but before he went he created a subgame that if you were the first to win, you would then own the game, and be able to control it.
So the main characters are trying to win the game in order to save it from generic evil corporation that wants to introduce ads into the game if they gain control of it.
At some point there is an option to destroy the entire game at the push of the button.
So I ask "Perhaps that would be good wouldnt it?"
My friend replies "no way, millions of people would lose their livelyhoods, their jobs, it would be a catastrophe"
and we discuss a little about it and I feel so evil in my thoughts that I would want to dismantle this game. These people that are living in trailers surrounded by trash, in their dead lifeless environments, escaping into this game.
Are we unable to see the world in front of us, distracted by the stories sold to us. Stories of delivering accurate orders for customers in under five minutes. Stories of coming in early and working late so that you can get one step closer to a dollar raise.
Stories of how I need to take pharmacuitical stimulants in high school because I am unable to keep up with the tasks of my fast food job; so I can make 7.25$ an hour.
Is this why you detest the idea of money-?
-Yes! I was taken away from the woods where I ran and played and imagined with things that werent there. I loved myself and I was happy, and my parents, my wonderful parents were sold a story to convince their child into a system that would convince me to hate myself, to see myself as a fucked up creature incapable of doing "simple things". To drug me so that I could fit in and create unhealthy, near poisonous food for strangers.
I hate seeing how twisted people become forcing themselves into boxes. Fitting into uncomfortable clothes to prove they are smart people, smart, calm cool collected people that bend when you tell them to bend, that twist when you tell them to twist. People that are willing to be uncomfortable for your anothers corporate dream.
Inauthenticity eats at me.
Do you suppose that people are inauthentic?
No, not on purpose, I... I suppose... I think its wrong perhaps to believe that people would naturally see themselves this way and accept themselves if they saw them like this?
I feel that you are falling into a sort of savior complex.
I agree, which makes sense because I more or less am you. my only defense that I think its a natural thing people fall into. To feel that they have greater understanding than their fellow man and if they were just listened to.
Arbitrary unification theory?
yeah, iv called it that before. That if everyone just believed what I believed than the world would be at peace. And its true for everyone because of course if there was no disagreement than everything would be at peace.
Yet the opposite of war isnt peace-
-Its creation yeah.
I propose that our disagreement with each other isnt a weakness. That we should find peace. thats what ate me up about RP1. Everyone is defending this unified theory, this game. I believe we are stronger when we are creators, not worshippers of creators, but ourselves holders and implementers of our destinies.
If I saw a giant off switch I would press it. It would hurt certainly. Pain is the fertilizer of our growth. We don't need to wander into the dark to receive our pain but may perceive it in healthy trusted ways. What is sport but a joyous test through pain. Pain is not the opposite of happiness. Pain is the resistance of the world as we press it to grow.
We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams. We are not satisified in this world because it is not our dream. Each generation would delight to live in its own creation, even if its creation is turbulant rapids. Its better to be on a raft in treacherous waters than helpless in calmer waters.
There is a lot of "We" connotation in this philosophy. Do you believe its so universal?
Nothing is universal. I can only understand myself and hope that people will benifit from the tangentical connections to myself.
It sounds like you do not believe anything you are saying then.
It doesnt work like that, its all imperfect language and we do our best.
Do you feel better?
I cried a lot, I always interpret that as good.
What did you learn?
I couldnt tell you exactly. But its something about how I do these crazy things, because I want people to see people as real people. These weird chaotic things, what it looks like when someones, well atleast my mind, is flowing carelessly. That we arent really these things in uncomfortable clothing speaking and being perfect. To convey that we are animals with powerful imaginations running non ideal stories and its bullshit-
-you are beginning another preaching. In short what did you learn?
I am insecure. I write these long frustrating posts because I want people to love me in an impossible way. For them to prove to me that... for me to gain an ego trip off of.. off a dream that maybe I could find a single person that cares enough to stick it out.
over three hundred people watch me and I am willing to scare away the flies in order to reveal the golden geese.
Do you think this is healthy?
No, not really. Part of me is still that thirteen-year-old boy that asked my girlfriend to starve in order for me to feel secure "secure" whatever that means. Loved?
So-
but I continue because I want to bare my soul, to wash away the shadows. We "We" yes we, all have shadows, its a fucked up and terrifying place. I believe it gets better with honesty and trust. I believe we need to see each other not in suits but in our tattered states.
Thats where compassion comes from.
I notice you easily fall into preaching
yeah- its annoying right.
I am not here to judge.
Maybe thats why I want to be slapped so much. Iv started this conversation and I dont know how to stop.
Do you feel you want to stop?
Never, I love it. But its so much... energy? I need that release.
As far as this particular conversation yes. I think I reached whatever it was I was clawing at.
I am glad you feel that way.
Thank you for talking with me, I love you.
do you believe that?
I am uncertain. but I am willing to say it in this moment. Thank you, really.
Egomaniac
General | Posted 3 years agoI am obsessed with the idea that I will create something that will save the world.
Did the world ask to be saved? is it reaching for help, anyone help let alone my help?
Yet my personality and my expression when I go out to parties is to convey that I am working on something,
something to rescue all of "this"
This world is in pain, but has it ever not been in pain?
Getting an ad for this account gave me great conflict. My ex-boyfriend bought it for me, and I told him my unsurity of it,
yet he insisted. So I created something esoteric and artsy, that which has been running for a while now.
I hate it because I have this incredible ego about myself, that I do not want to "buy" my way to fame.
Monetary systems enrage me; I can see the use of the tool and how it why it creates so much,
yet I believe it crushes compassion between us, it inhibits our ability to use the many other tools in our societal toolbox.
We become the products of what we believe in. We believe in unchanging things, gods, money, language; So to become these stagnant and festering
Things that sell and create illusions, store fronts and promises.
When I was broken up with I had a conviction to disactive this account. It was poisened to me, its followers bought with money.
My mania believing only in a following brought on by a resplendent brilliance. How else would I know my worth?
What If I am honest? Authentic?
I scare people away because I delight in long frustrating conversations. Fervant discussions that beg for resolution. I break out into dance in public, in "inappropriate places"
I make weird, seemingly random noises and move around a lot.
What if I am honest? You cant trust me to complete anything in reasonable time.
I am addicted to media and games. I once made a massive spreadsheet comparing the different factions of "smash up" trying to analyze it to empirical completion.
My mind wanders and obsesses.
Maybe this is why I got so addicted to "League of Legends" because I was terrible at it, yet, I needed to analyze it to completion, and competitive games don't work that way,
They are endless, and I was trying to prove to myself that there was an end and I could complete it.
Just like I am trying to find some unified theory to the world as a whole, to fix it, to complete it.
The world cannot be fixed, it's not something that is broken. It is an ever-changing kaleidoscopic enigma.
There is truth within it, truisms like 1+1= 2 and geese are vicious and I am worried about my grandmother's health and wish I could visit her more,
because inevitably everything dies and changes into something new and I dont want to feel regret; but there no answers to the questions from the truth...?
Its complicated
But perhaps there is personal truth.
Personal truth for me is that I am having a good time right now writing this, fearless. I delight in being grotesquely honest and "oversharing"
At the same time that this is an existential crisis it feels like a soothing catharsis.
I feel comfortable being honest.
Honestly you cant trust me to create for you what you want me to
As much as I hold onto a story that I will be an "artist" and be "happy" creating "commisions" for people, I am too damaged, too addicted, too weak and lazy to perform
this production. All the world is a stage and many of us are in the green room watching the tv that sells us dreams that arent our own.
I want to turn off that tv, however my eyes still dart to it time and time again so ravenously. How can I turn it off for others when I cannot turn it off for myself for even a second.
The most I can defend myself is to believe that I am not afraid of failure, and that I know I will fail endlessly till I die,
But through it I will also succeed.
Iv gone to sleep at night for the past several years having some reason in my heart why tomorrow will be different
I got high and had some great revelation - tomorrow I wont play games
My heart got broken and that pain will carry me through - Tomorrow I wont play games
My family showed me support, I have to repay them - Tomorrow I wont play games.
Years and years of laying my head to rest, believing tomorrow will be the start of my great egomanic story, where I start drafting my story that will save the world.
Its bullshit
I am deeply damaged, deeply addicted, a mess of a product of this world.
and I imagine, what would I be if I was born a hundred years prior? withoug all these games, these distractions? Would then I have the clarity to tell my story?
And then what is the story? A story can only exist in its environment.
I will show you myself, this beautiful creature.
They say we have these problems "executive dysfuction" "hyperactivity"
We are not the problem, but an unfortunate circumstance of our evolution clashing against the exponential bombastic growth of technology.
What was once a moderate influx of interest through our nuerons has become hyperstimulated and ravaged by todays sudden information society.a
We are the real world, the television is the illusion. We see actors moving with perfection and conversing in calculated dialogue mulled over by writers for weeks.
We ask ourselves, "Why do I not speak like that? why are my quips not so clever, why do I stumble over words and move myself around the world in confused in mistaken fasion?"
We watch the tube as if its a snapshop of reality when in reality we are watching tenth and twenty-seventh takes of things.
That which we intellectually consume is an illusion that we convince ourselves should be the creatures that we are, so we judge ourselves harshly.
Bumbling beautiful creatures. I don't know the answer, I dont think there is an answer, all I know is first you have to get mad, to say "I am a human being god damn it, my life has value" (Network)
No matter who or how you are. Be yourself "you are what you love, not what loves you" (Adaptation)
What am I trying to say? I am mad, mad at myself mainly. Frustrated, torn up from the pain and illusion I see in the world.
The happiest time of my life was when I was seven through thirteen, Playing in the woods at my parents house. I didnt need anyone, just my imagination.
I was put into school and I convinced myself that I needed other people, that I should change myself to fit in, to get "Friends"
Now I put on a face to try to make light of a half given dream.
I give up. I dont want commisions. I want to focus on restoration
My authentic dream is to create things beautiful enough that they are loved in themselves, not because they point to anothers dream.
I am an egomaniac, one thats not even close to fufill the dream they see in their mind.
This is a step, taking down the facade of another half given dream, the journal that was here before.
I love you, whoever you are; It doesnt matter.
One day I am hopeful that we share enough compassion between each other that we may follow our hearts.
Did the world ask to be saved? is it reaching for help, anyone help let alone my help?
Yet my personality and my expression when I go out to parties is to convey that I am working on something,
something to rescue all of "this"
This world is in pain, but has it ever not been in pain?
Getting an ad for this account gave me great conflict. My ex-boyfriend bought it for me, and I told him my unsurity of it,
yet he insisted. So I created something esoteric and artsy, that which has been running for a while now.
I hate it because I have this incredible ego about myself, that I do not want to "buy" my way to fame.
Monetary systems enrage me; I can see the use of the tool and how it why it creates so much,
yet I believe it crushes compassion between us, it inhibits our ability to use the many other tools in our societal toolbox.
We become the products of what we believe in. We believe in unchanging things, gods, money, language; So to become these stagnant and festering
Things that sell and create illusions, store fronts and promises.
When I was broken up with I had a conviction to disactive this account. It was poisened to me, its followers bought with money.
My mania believing only in a following brought on by a resplendent brilliance. How else would I know my worth?
What If I am honest? Authentic?
I scare people away because I delight in long frustrating conversations. Fervant discussions that beg for resolution. I break out into dance in public, in "inappropriate places"
I make weird, seemingly random noises and move around a lot.
What if I am honest? You cant trust me to complete anything in reasonable time.
I am addicted to media and games. I once made a massive spreadsheet comparing the different factions of "smash up" trying to analyze it to empirical completion.
My mind wanders and obsesses.
Maybe this is why I got so addicted to "League of Legends" because I was terrible at it, yet, I needed to analyze it to completion, and competitive games don't work that way,
They are endless, and I was trying to prove to myself that there was an end and I could complete it.
Just like I am trying to find some unified theory to the world as a whole, to fix it, to complete it.
The world cannot be fixed, it's not something that is broken. It is an ever-changing kaleidoscopic enigma.
There is truth within it, truisms like 1+1= 2 and geese are vicious and I am worried about my grandmother's health and wish I could visit her more,
because inevitably everything dies and changes into something new and I dont want to feel regret; but there no answers to the questions from the truth...?
Its complicated
But perhaps there is personal truth.
Personal truth for me is that I am having a good time right now writing this, fearless. I delight in being grotesquely honest and "oversharing"
At the same time that this is an existential crisis it feels like a soothing catharsis.
I feel comfortable being honest.
Honestly you cant trust me to create for you what you want me to
As much as I hold onto a story that I will be an "artist" and be "happy" creating "commisions" for people, I am too damaged, too addicted, too weak and lazy to perform
this production. All the world is a stage and many of us are in the green room watching the tv that sells us dreams that arent our own.
I want to turn off that tv, however my eyes still dart to it time and time again so ravenously. How can I turn it off for others when I cannot turn it off for myself for even a second.
The most I can defend myself is to believe that I am not afraid of failure, and that I know I will fail endlessly till I die,
But through it I will also succeed.
Iv gone to sleep at night for the past several years having some reason in my heart why tomorrow will be different
I got high and had some great revelation - tomorrow I wont play games
My heart got broken and that pain will carry me through - Tomorrow I wont play games
My family showed me support, I have to repay them - Tomorrow I wont play games.
Years and years of laying my head to rest, believing tomorrow will be the start of my great egomanic story, where I start drafting my story that will save the world.
Its bullshit
I am deeply damaged, deeply addicted, a mess of a product of this world.
and I imagine, what would I be if I was born a hundred years prior? withoug all these games, these distractions? Would then I have the clarity to tell my story?
And then what is the story? A story can only exist in its environment.
I will show you myself, this beautiful creature.
They say we have these problems "executive dysfuction" "hyperactivity"
We are not the problem, but an unfortunate circumstance of our evolution clashing against the exponential bombastic growth of technology.
What was once a moderate influx of interest through our nuerons has become hyperstimulated and ravaged by todays sudden information society.a
We are the real world, the television is the illusion. We see actors moving with perfection and conversing in calculated dialogue mulled over by writers for weeks.
We ask ourselves, "Why do I not speak like that? why are my quips not so clever, why do I stumble over words and move myself around the world in confused in mistaken fasion?"
We watch the tube as if its a snapshop of reality when in reality we are watching tenth and twenty-seventh takes of things.
That which we intellectually consume is an illusion that we convince ourselves should be the creatures that we are, so we judge ourselves harshly.
Bumbling beautiful creatures. I don't know the answer, I dont think there is an answer, all I know is first you have to get mad, to say "I am a human being god damn it, my life has value" (Network)
No matter who or how you are. Be yourself "you are what you love, not what loves you" (Adaptation)
What am I trying to say? I am mad, mad at myself mainly. Frustrated, torn up from the pain and illusion I see in the world.
The happiest time of my life was when I was seven through thirteen, Playing in the woods at my parents house. I didnt need anyone, just my imagination.
I was put into school and I convinced myself that I needed other people, that I should change myself to fit in, to get "Friends"
Now I put on a face to try to make light of a half given dream.
I give up. I dont want commisions. I want to focus on restoration
My authentic dream is to create things beautiful enough that they are loved in themselves, not because they point to anothers dream.
I am an egomaniac, one thats not even close to fufill the dream they see in their mind.
This is a step, taking down the facade of another half given dream, the journal that was here before.
I love you, whoever you are; It doesnt matter.
One day I am hopeful that we share enough compassion between each other that we may follow our hearts.
OPEN for Commissions - Current Queue
General | Posted 4 years agoI am currently open for commissions!
My productivity has been really up lately so I was able to complete most of my holiday commissions faster than anticipated. As such, I feel comfy reopening my commission queue for a few slots. If you would like some arts, check out the info below >>>>>>
Here is a link to my price sheet and examples of commission types:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43542809/
These prices are negotiable, it really depends on what you are looking for. If you want to give me more creative control with the piece, I am willing to come down. If you absolutely have to have a specific pose, background, detailed markings, complex clothing, wings, scales, etc - the price could rise. Reaching out to me with a note is the best way to get a feel for what you will be paying if you purchase a commission. I am open to haggling <3
My turnaround time is anywhere from 2 - 3 weeks usually but if it's highly complex I may take a full month. I may be so enthusiastic I complete it much sooner. My energy levels for drawing fluctuate but you can definitely expect your art completed in under 30 days, at maximum. I work on every commission I have in my queue at once bouncing from piece to piece, but I do prioritize them in the order that I receive them to an extent.
Current Commission Queue:
Time lapse color painting for
- 99% - waiting for approval
Fantasy book cover for Kaley Keane: - 99% - waiting for critique
Trade Queue:
8i-ll-Ion - 25% - sketched, detailing, sending WIP soon
plushlocket - 0% - planning
My productivity has been really up lately so I was able to complete most of my holiday commissions faster than anticipated. As such, I feel comfy reopening my commission queue for a few slots. If you would like some arts, check out the info below >>>>>>
Here is a link to my price sheet and examples of commission types:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43542809/
These prices are negotiable, it really depends on what you are looking for. If you want to give me more creative control with the piece, I am willing to come down. If you absolutely have to have a specific pose, background, detailed markings, complex clothing, wings, scales, etc - the price could rise. Reaching out to me with a note is the best way to get a feel for what you will be paying if you purchase a commission. I am open to haggling <3
My turnaround time is anywhere from 2 - 3 weeks usually but if it's highly complex I may take a full month. I may be so enthusiastic I complete it much sooner. My energy levels for drawing fluctuate but you can definitely expect your art completed in under 30 days, at maximum. I work on every commission I have in my queue at once bouncing from piece to piece, but I do prioritize them in the order that I receive them to an extent.
Current Commission Queue:
Time lapse color painting for
- 99% - waiting for approvalFantasy book cover for Kaley Keane: - 99% - waiting for critique
Trade Queue:
8i-ll-Ion - 25% - sketched, detailing, sending WIP soon
plushlocket - 0% - planningOPEN for Commissions - Current Queue
General | Posted 4 years agoI am currently open for commissions!
My productivity has been really up lately so I was able to complete most of my holiday commissions faster than anticipated. As such, I feel comfy reopening my commission queue for a few slots. If you would like some arts, check out the info below >>>>>>
Here is a link to my price sheet and examples of commission types:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43542809/
These prices are negotiable, it really depends on what you are looking for. If you want to give me more creative control with the piece, I am willing to come down. If you absolutely have to have a specific pose, background, detailed markings, complex clothing, wings, scales, etc - the price could rise. Reaching out to me with a note is the best way to get a feel for what you will be paying if you purchase a commission. I am open to haggling <3
My turnaround time is anywhere from 2 - 3 weeks usually but if it's highly complex I may take a full month. I may be so enthusiastic I complete it much sooner. My energy levels for drawing fluctuate but you can definitely expect your art completed in under 30 days, at maximum. I work on every commission I have in my queue at once bouncing from piece to piece, but I do prioritize them in the order that I receive them to an extent.
Current Commission Queue:
Fantasy Book Cover Commission for Kaley Keane - 30% - sketched
Time lapse color painting for - 10% - planning and beginning to sketch
Trade Queue:
Trade with
- 40% - sketched, refining
My productivity has been really up lately so I was able to complete most of my holiday commissions faster than anticipated. As such, I feel comfy reopening my commission queue for a few slots. If you would like some arts, check out the info below >>>>>>
Here is a link to my price sheet and examples of commission types:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43542809/
These prices are negotiable, it really depends on what you are looking for. If you want to give me more creative control with the piece, I am willing to come down. If you absolutely have to have a specific pose, background, detailed markings, complex clothing, wings, scales, etc - the price could rise. Reaching out to me with a note is the best way to get a feel for what you will be paying if you purchase a commission. I am open to haggling <3
My turnaround time is anywhere from 2 - 3 weeks usually but if it's highly complex I may take a full month. I may be so enthusiastic I complete it much sooner. My energy levels for drawing fluctuate but you can definitely expect your art completed in under 30 days, at maximum. I work on every commission I have in my queue at once bouncing from piece to piece, but I do prioritize them in the order that I receive them to an extent.
Current Commission Queue:
Fantasy Book Cover Commission for Kaley Keane - 30% - sketched
Time lapse color painting for
- 10% - planning and beginning to sketchTrade Queue:
Trade with
- 40% - sketched, refiningOpen for commissions! + Current Queue Info
General | Posted 4 years agoI am currently open for commissions! Lemme know if you want something done~
Here is a link to my price sheet and examples of commission types:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43542809/
These prices are negotiable, it really depends on what you are looking for. If you want to give me more creative control with the piece, I am willing to come down. If you absolutely have to have a specific pose, background, detailed markings, complex clothing, wings, scales, etc - the price could rise. Reaching out to me with a note is the best way to get a feel for what you will be paying if you purchase a commission. I am open to haggling <3
My turnaround time is anywhere from 1.5 - 3 weeks usually but if it's highly complex I may take a full month. I may be so enthusiastic I complete it much sooner. My energy levels for drawing fluctuate but you can definitely expect your art completed in under 30 days, at maximum. I work on every commission I have in my queue at once bouncing from piece to piece, but I do prioritize them in the order that I receive them to an extent.
Current queue:
Commission for Anonymous FA user - 60% - sketched, fleshing out details, background
Commission for Vexxa Grey - 10% - planning and beginning to sketch
Trade with - 10% - planning and beginning to sketch
Fantasy Book Cover Commission for Kaley Keane - 0% - planning and character design
Reference sheet for
- 0% - planning
Time lapse color painting for - 0% - planning
Here is a link to my price sheet and examples of commission types:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43542809/
These prices are negotiable, it really depends on what you are looking for. If you want to give me more creative control with the piece, I am willing to come down. If you absolutely have to have a specific pose, background, detailed markings, complex clothing, wings, scales, etc - the price could rise. Reaching out to me with a note is the best way to get a feel for what you will be paying if you purchase a commission. I am open to haggling <3
My turnaround time is anywhere from 1.5 - 3 weeks usually but if it's highly complex I may take a full month. I may be so enthusiastic I complete it much sooner. My energy levels for drawing fluctuate but you can definitely expect your art completed in under 30 days, at maximum. I work on every commission I have in my queue at once bouncing from piece to piece, but I do prioritize them in the order that I receive them to an extent.
Current queue:
Commission for Anonymous FA user - 60% - sketched, fleshing out details, background
Commission for Vexxa Grey - 10% - planning and beginning to sketch
Trade with
- 10% - planning and beginning to sketchFantasy Book Cover Commission for Kaley Keane - 0% - planning and character design
Reference sheet for
- 0% - planningTime lapse color painting for
- 0% - planningOpen for commissions :3
General | Posted 4 years agoI am currently open for commissions! Lemme know if you want something done~
Here is a link to my price sheet and examples of commission types:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43542809/
These prices are negotiable, it really depends on what you are looking to have done. If you want to give me more creative control with the piece, I am willing to come down. If you absolutely have to have a specific pose, background, detailed markings, complex clothing, wings, scales, etc - the price could rise. Reaching out to me with a note is the best way to get a feel for what you will be paying if you purchase a commission. I am open to haggling <3
My turnaround time is anywhere from 1.5 - 3 weeks usually but if it's highly complex I may take a full month. I may be so enthusiastic I complete it much sooner. My energy levels for drawing fluctuate but you can definitely expect your art completed in under 30 days, at maximum. I work on every commission I have in my cue at once bouncing from piece to piece, but I do prioritize them in the order that I got them to an extent.
Here is a link to my price sheet and examples of commission types:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43542809/
These prices are negotiable, it really depends on what you are looking to have done. If you want to give me more creative control with the piece, I am willing to come down. If you absolutely have to have a specific pose, background, detailed markings, complex clothing, wings, scales, etc - the price could rise. Reaching out to me with a note is the best way to get a feel for what you will be paying if you purchase a commission. I am open to haggling <3
My turnaround time is anywhere from 1.5 - 3 weeks usually but if it's highly complex I may take a full month. I may be so enthusiastic I complete it much sooner. My energy levels for drawing fluctuate but you can definitely expect your art completed in under 30 days, at maximum. I work on every commission I have in my cue at once bouncing from piece to piece, but I do prioritize them in the order that I got them to an extent.
Worst offer ever right?
General | Posted 6 years agoRight? I mean just like, hey commission me for like 100$, who knows what it will look like?
I mean in my younger furry years, like 11 years ago I would have loved to pay someone to try and paint my fursona in the most badass way possible, instead of just in "their style, they do 3 of these commissions a day blah blah"
The opposite of what I am doing is YCH which is like, "do you want your characters dick in this other characters mouth? for 40$ in my sytle with this exact camera angel with this exact background?" People love it
People dont like the guess work.
I mean that its the worst offer ever not sarcastically, I am rather mentally unstable. I have no idea how much motivation and what kind of energy I am going to have from moment to moment.
When I was young I had imaginary friends and I forgot about them. Life told me that imaginary friends arent good. But At 25 years of age I was like "You know what? fuck you life, imaginary friends are sick!" And I made new ones because I forgot what my old ones look like.
So now I have these friends in my head that encourage me to do better and be more interesting. And they compound my shame when I eat disgustingly bad for me food ect.
Its like "the voices inside my head told me to" but they tell me to do good things so whats the harm. Maybe us dysfunctional people need a little gerry rigging of our brains to make ourselves functional
In the end I know their not real but... then why do I even mention them.
Anyways I think we are all a little insane here on the planet earth, not just furaffinity, so I thought to myself, "We are all insane, but what if I was the best at being insane? Not like the most insane, that sounds undesirable, I mean like, insane and hyper functional.
So I will get that menial labor job for now, but I am coming for you desired art career of unknown shape, you better watch your back. I am going to create something so amazing it cant be ignored. Iv got like... at least 7 people that dont exist on my side rooting for me. I'm unstoppable
I mean in my younger furry years, like 11 years ago I would have loved to pay someone to try and paint my fursona in the most badass way possible, instead of just in "their style, they do 3 of these commissions a day blah blah"
The opposite of what I am doing is YCH which is like, "do you want your characters dick in this other characters mouth? for 40$ in my sytle with this exact camera angel with this exact background?" People love it
People dont like the guess work.
I mean that its the worst offer ever not sarcastically, I am rather mentally unstable. I have no idea how much motivation and what kind of energy I am going to have from moment to moment.
When I was young I had imaginary friends and I forgot about them. Life told me that imaginary friends arent good. But At 25 years of age I was like "You know what? fuck you life, imaginary friends are sick!" And I made new ones because I forgot what my old ones look like.
So now I have these friends in my head that encourage me to do better and be more interesting. And they compound my shame when I eat disgustingly bad for me food ect.
Its like "the voices inside my head told me to" but they tell me to do good things so whats the harm. Maybe us dysfunctional people need a little gerry rigging of our brains to make ourselves functional
In the end I know their not real but... then why do I even mention them.
Anyways I think we are all a little insane here on the planet earth, not just furaffinity, so I thought to myself, "We are all insane, but what if I was the best at being insane? Not like the most insane, that sounds undesirable, I mean like, insane and hyper functional.
So I will get that menial labor job for now, but I am coming for you desired art career of unknown shape, you better watch your back. I am going to create something so amazing it cant be ignored. Iv got like... at least 7 people that dont exist on my side rooting for me. I'm unstoppable
