I've moved my account to  guardian_odin

I have very high energy pressure at my core right now. I do not understand for sure where it is coming from.

I just wanted to talk. Well, that's what I usually do. I'm perfectly okay right now. There are things I still don't understand, though. Man... I wish I could make some things right. I already have, actually. Rekindled a friendship with someone who was important to me. That was a good thing <3

Been running through the night having adventures with Meredith. Trying to find myself. Trying to understand. I want to know what my purpose here is. Trying to understand others... Other people are very interesting. Especially when they are connected to me on a higher level. Then, communication reaches a new tier.

I feel dumb as hell writing in my journal most of the time, just to let you know.

Aftermath never did come back. He's still gone. I can't say I miss him that much, but I never thought he'd just be gone. Maybe he rode away into the poisonous shadows on the gear I once wore around my neck. In any case, he isn't here. I don't really need Aftermath much. My crystals keep growing and burning brighter.

Having a bit of trouble being motivated in classes, but 8 AM classes make it difficult. I should be working right now, but frankly I'm just too goddamned exhausted.

Tonight, I'll run into the darkness again with my friend. Man, I just... man. I don't know what to say. When I run out there, I'm just looking for something so desperately. I'm making myself glow in body and spirit so whatever I'm trying to find will be able to see me in the crevices of this city.

I can... I can bring back the light.

Thanks everyone.

I am still connected. I can feel it inside. But to what? Why? Where? I wanna run into the frozen night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpFzIFTw6Mo

Something pulls me out there. Something is always pulling me. I'm ready now. Come on! COME ON! STEP INTO THE LIGHT!

My soul CANNOT STOP! Cannot stop! Cannot stop! For just a moment, crouch in the sand and think. Watch the purple rays above. Understand my direction. Understand...

There is no opponent here, just a minimum velocity.

Run.

Run.

Run.

My purpose... The ones who came here. What will I learn from them? What can they learn from me? Will they be alright?

Don't stop.

We grow...

Don't stop.

Get up.

Keep running.

The lights have always been there... all around me. And they aren't going anywhere.

I want to fight.

I WANT TO FIGHT!

Well. I had quite a night. You see, a couple of days ago, I met this awesome friend named Meredith. She's my other friends' roommate...

Anyway, we hit it off pretty much immediately and ended up going on an adventure the other night with the other roommate, Jen. We had an epic snowball fight in the middle of the night and then went to sit under the convention center by the water. It had flooded the previous day, and so it was blocked off and there was frozen river sediment at the bottom of the slopes. I slid down the slopes and hit the sludge, and Jen followed. I caught her. I did not catch Meredith, so... she hit the sludge like an atom bomb and mud flew everywhere. Had fun, though. Lots of laughs!

So tonight, after many cups of tea, we decided to go on another adventure. I packed up a thermos full of Three Kingdoms Mao Feng (I'm guessing a kind of Dao Ren with a fancy name) and some pepperidge farm cookies and we were off. First we walked to the point, and then to the block fountain by the arena in North Side. At the fountain, we enjoyed the thermos of green tea and a good conversation. I was surprised that the fountain had not flooded, but... it had. I didn't notice the frozen water at the lower steps of the fountain. While sliding across the frozen surface, we noticed fish were trapped underneath.

Being adventurous, we decided to try to save the fish, as they would become bird food when the ice thawed. Even at that, they didn't have anything to eat in the fountain... So, Meredith found a large piece of wood and we began breaking the ice. We punctured an empty salt bag to use as a net to capture the fish. We worked for like two hours to try to break the ice enough to catch the fish... Then we tried to just grab them. In the end, it didn't really work, but we slipped into the water and my pants froze. Again, lots of laughs!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....enfountain.jpg

Deciding to take the larger piece of wood home with us, we loaded that into my backpack. I looked like I had a great sword on my back.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....is/bigwood.jpg

So... Yeah. Walked back, noticed my frozen pants. Showed my giant wood to Dan at the corner store. Came upstairs and dropped the damn thing in the bathtub, and then Meredith helped me move it into a plastic bag so Ned wouldn't flip out when he found this monstrous frozen turd wood in the bathtub in the morning.

I'm gonna use it to decorate. <3

Amazing.

...You'll get a different machine!

All gears are aligned. Pinion, Spur, Bevel, Miter, Helical, Spiral, Herringbone are all in place.They rotate smoothly. I have found their ratios. I can see where they meet, why they meet, where they spin, and why.

If I step back, I can finally see how you work.

"You are not broken..."

It's all so fast, so smooth. So clear. Polish the cover, close the door, and activate the machine.

No disrepair can stop us now...

"And I dropped out, I burned up, I found my way back from the dead...

I tuned in, I turned on.

Remembered things that you... said!

And I'll be your crying shoulder

I'll be love suicide

And I'll be better when I'm older

I'll be... the greatest fan of your life.

The greatest fan of your life."

Been commemorating some memories tonight. Served tea, went shopping. I'm still feeling pretty good honestly... <3 I'm happy.

Alright, I pretty much had a really great day today. Best day I can remember in awhile, actually. Since I've been here.

1: Got up an hour late, got to class two hours late. Thankfully, I didn't miss much. My phone didn't wake me up...
2: Had fun in class.
3: Met up with April after class, went back to the apartment and talked and ate and stuff.
4: After April left, I made a pot of Yunnan Golden Buds (Golden Needle) in my black dragon cast iron teapot and set off to see my counselor. I was greeted by my friend Terry in the middle of an intersection. We decided to sit down and have tea together right there on the island in the intersection!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....tersection.jpg (I look dumb as shit)

Other friends (Andrea, Faith, this other girl whose name escapes me) showed up and were surprised to see us having a tea party in the intersection!

Talked to the counselor for a little while, met up with DJ, Lea, and Gina. Walked back to the dorms, met up with April again. We all returned to the dorm and ate again. I got pets <3 I like head scratches~

For the rest of the night, April and Gina and myself worked on electronics and started to rebuild my precious crystal goggles. I'm rebuilding my crystal accessories because I feel like a stronger person now. I want to build new stuff for myself! April and Gina helped me desolder parts from the circuit board of a clock radio that  rivershards gave me! Many useful components.

I had a really deep, really meaningful moment of peace and friendship with Daryl.

To me, today marks a change. It's gonna be a little easier for me now.

The crystals on my goggles have been removed and will be replaced later today. My metal heart has been torn away from the forehead of the skull on the dreamcatcher.



WE CAN LIGHT UP THE NIGHT!

I feel pretty good right now. I feel my crystals growing larger and stronger. I feel a huge weight lifted from me. I'm where I need to be. Thanks for everything, all of you that kept me strong and listened to my bullshit and brought me away from that place. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_E2MSJKlYK4

Here's a song present!

Also, I don't want to be Anubis anymore. I just want a different name. Guardian Pinion didn't work, and it definitely doesn't work now. Suggestions are appreciated!

But few come back again.

Listening to some A-HA. I was listening to this when I came to visit Pittsburgh, when everything changed. I just keep thinking about that.

"Pack up your things and go... Run down the road, don't take it slow. Pack up your things today and run away. Yeah, run away."

I did, too. I wonder, what is my purpose here outside of education? I feel a little less incomplete than I did a couple of days ago, but it's still a wonder. I'm probably never going to feel like I did when I was visiting here again. Hmm. These are all just thoughts. Keep that in mind. I want to put them somewhere, so I share them.

"Run down the road, they'll never know."

Someday, I'll fill this void inside of me. I've done the best I can so far.

Stolen from  zeroxtolerance

Your Boy Side
[ ] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[x] Dogs are better than cats.
[x] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[ ] Shopping is torture.
[ ] Sad movies suck.
[x] You own an X-Box.
[x] Played with Hotwheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[ ] You watch sports on TV.
[ ] Gory movies are cool.
[ ] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You like going to football games.
[ ] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[ ] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[ ] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[ ] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[x] Sports are fun. (Paintball and Laser Tag)
[ ] Talk with food in your mouth.
[ ] Wear boxers.

Total = 8 Points

Your Girl Side
[ ] You wear lip gloss.
[ ] You love to shop.
[ ] You wear eyeliner.
[ ] You have some of the same shirts in different colors.
[ ] You wear the color pink.
[x] Go to your mom for advice.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like hanging out at the mall.
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[x] You like wearing jewelry.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[ ] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[x] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[ ] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance.
[x] It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories.
[ ] You smile a lot more than you should.
[ ] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like. ( I must say I do...)
[ ] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[ ] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
[ ] You wear girl underwear.
[ ] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
[ ] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.
[x] Like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.

Total = 7 points

I guess this isn't so surprising.

Well. I tried to cut my own hair and pretty much gave myself a mohawk.

EDIT: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....bis/mohawk.jpg

After some cleaning up and some gel.

So I decided to stick some links up here to songs I liken to people I know. To me, these are your theme songs. Image songs.

 pumaconcolor Kivva Image Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPNkOYiT10w

 shadowwolf Shaddie Image Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Yi1KsDsI60

 macengregora Macen Image Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJOADPhnQXc

James/Synesthesia Image Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpFzIFTw6Mo

More to come as I think of them.

1. Was 2009 a good year for you?
It was... Changing. It was the worst year of my life. But also the best for my life. We have all grown stronger now.

2. What was your favorite moment of the year?
When my aircraft took off from Las Vegas to come here to Pittsburgh and "Breaking Out" from the Protomen was playing in my headset.

3. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Probably when mom almost bled to death in the hospital in Mineola.

4. What are your plans for 2010?
Lose the rest of my extra bulk. Be stronger, be better. Get a job. Get an apartment. Be done with being dependent and being a child.

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada for Beyblade War Room.

6. What date in 2009 will remain etched in your memory?
No numbers really stick, but plenty of days did.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting out of New York and Las Vegas and moving here to Pittsburgh at any cost.

8. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting a job or learning to drive.

9. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
No, I don't think so... Well, not anything other than a few colds. I was sick a couple of times when I moved here.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my Kyusu. (traditional Japanese green tea pot)

11. Who's behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ahahahahahaha... Fuck, pretty much everyone in my family but my mom. And some of hers, too. A friend made me feel this way at the tail end of the year, too.

12. Where did most of your money go?
I'm not so sure. I don't think it's important... Just things. Food, tea, etc.

14. What songs will always remind you of 2009?
The Protomen Act 1. The Protomen Act 2.

15. Compared to this time last year are you:
a) Fatter or thinner? Way thinner. WAY thinner.
b) Happier or sadder? Happier.
c) Richer or poorer? Poorer.

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Everything happened as it should have. But I wish I had secured a job, really.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I'm not sure...

18. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas with my mother and grandfather in Baltimore.

19. Which LJ/MySpace/f.a. users did you meet for the first time?
Met a ton of people in person at conventions and here in Pittsburgh.

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Yes. Yes I did.

21. How many one night stands?
Well, I mean... I haven't had sex with anyone who I didn't know or who I didn't want to talk to later. So none, I suppose.

22. What was your favorite TV show?
Cold Case.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is a very strong word. But I think anyone I dislike now was someone I disliked before. I mean, I guess I can say yes to this question.

24. What was/were the best books you read?
A tea book I have.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Protomen Act II.

26. What did you want and get?
To be on the road to health. To get out of that nightmarish place.

27. What did you want and not get?
It is of no matter.

28. What was your favorite film this year?
Either Nine or the Men Who Stare at Goats.

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I was nineteen and turned twenty. I went to a furry party in New Jersey where I became so angry and disappointed that I pretty much disowned a few people.

30. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
I don't know. My mom being closer to recovery than she is, maybe. Or having moved away from that awful place. It would have been nice to have found someone to love, too. It would have been nice to see my feelings returned.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
In progress, definitely. I became a far more fashionable person throughout the course of the year.

32. What kept you sane?
The knowledge that someday things would be better. The light that is my mother. The Protomen. Beyblade. My friends.

33. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
I do not know.

34. Which political issue stirred you the most?
I'm not so sure...

35. Who did you miss?
 macengregora  pumaconcolor  shadowwolf My friends in Vegas.

36. Did you treat somebody badly in 2009?
I screamed at my aunt and uncle a couple of times.

37. Did somebody treat you badly in 2009?
Most of my family. Some friends.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
1: Positive thinking is a valuable tool. 2: Our strength will only disappear if we allow it to. 3: You CANNOT help another human being. You CANNOT change another human being. They must help themselves. You can push them and be there for them, but they must do the deed themselves. Take the good with the bad. You have no choice. If not, live in ignorance and wonder why things do not change in a relationship of any kind.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year...
"I WILL NOT BE TOLD WHERE TO STAND! I will not be told what to say! Not by man nor machine, not by you, not by ANYONE tonight. Gonna have to do BETTER than fear! Gonna have to STEP OUT OF THE SHADOWS AND FIGHT! And when they see your face again, they will know what it means to have fear dragged out into the light.

DRAG IT OUT!"

Keep Quiet- The Protomen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bnzl8Bwwc9M

There's a raging fire in my heart tonight
Growing higher and higher in my soul
There's a raging fire in the sky tonight
I want to ride on the silver dove
Far into the night

People throw away some very precious things, you know... And they don't realize it. They just don't understand. We're all guilty of it.


I'm here. In this city. And I woke up today feeling liberated. I'm at peace with these things now. With all the bad that has happened before I set foot here. With the things that have happened since.

I feel at peace now.

It's alright.

"With sadness you paused...

Suddenly I knew that you'd have to go. Your world was not mine... Your eyes told me so.

Yet it was there, I felt the crossroads of time, and I wondered why.

As we cast our gaze on the tumbling sea, a vision came o'er me...

...of thundering hooves and beating wings in the clouds above

Turning to go, heard you call out my name

Like a bird in a cage, spreading its wings to fly

'The old ways are lost' you sang as you flew

And I wondered why...

The thundering waves are calling me home

Home to you.

The pounding sea is calling me home

Home to you."

Stolen from  -skye-

[ ] You have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

[ ] You have your own room.

[x] You own a cell phone.

[x] You have an ipod/mp3 player.

[x] Your parents are still married.

[x] You have more than 2 best friends.

[ ] There is a swimming pool in your backyard.

T 0 T A L: 4


[x] You dress how you want to.

[x] You hang out with friends more than once a week.

[x] There is a computer/ laptop in your room.

[x] You have never been beaten up.

[x] You never cry more than twice a month.

[x] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.

[x] Your room is big enough for you.

[x] People don't use you for something you have.

[x] You have been to a concert.

T 0 T A L: 9


[x] You have over 50 friends on myspace.

[x] Your parents let you have a myspace.

[ ] You get allowance.

[x] You collect something normal.

[x] You look forward to going to school.

[x] You don't wish you were someone else.

[ ] You play a sport.

[x] You do something after school.

T 0 T A L: 6


[ ] You own a car.

[x] You usually don't fight with your parents.

[x] You are happy with your appearance.

[ ] You aren't self-conscious at all.

[ ] You have never got a failing grade in your life.

[x] You have friends.

T 0 T A L: 3

[ ] You know what is going on in the world.

[x] You care about so many people.

[x] You are happy with your life.

[ ] You know more than one language.

[ ] You own a pet.

[x] You know the words to 5 songs.

[ ] You don't have any enemies.

[x] You are a generally nice person.

T O T A L: 4

Now count your numbers and multiply by three.
Then title this journal "My life is % Happy"

You do no better than the fools of this burning city...

I fucking love the metal lathe

Made a really awesome project on it today. Well, for me. I turned a piece of aluminum with a sphere, steps, ridges, and knurling. And a high polish to finish it off. So... I'm happy with it! Finals week, man. Jeez.

Sequence... Sequence... Sequence... Sequence... Sequence... Sequence... Sequence... Sequence... Sequence... Sequence...

Angels fall without you there.

Man. This song is really burning up inside right now. "The Fall" by the Protomen (big shocker right).

I really.. man. I don't know.

My heart is just inflated and all of the things inside of it are magnified. I want to run, I want to keep running. I want to fly. I want to glow, I want to shine.

I want to unlock and spread my steel wings. I want sparks to fly. Sparks will fly. Sparks will fly...



So much power, so much inspiration. I know I'm here for a reason. But for what reason? I wear hearts on chains from my chest. A bright green diamond is the emblem I'm compelled to wear. What is my purpose?

What is your purpose?

So I took the similar minds test awhile ago. Eight months ago, actually. I thought I'd take it again to see how I've changed. Check it out... I've made a comparison between my results here.

Positive:
20% more physically fit. Agreed.
6% more extroverted. Agreed.
22% more stable. Agreed.
22% more orderly. Agreed.
1% more accommodating. Agreed.
8% more intellectual. Agreed.
6% less paranoid. Agreed.
14% more mystical. Agreed.
14% more artistic. Agreed.
40% less materialistic. Agreed (thankfully).
4% more conflict seeking. Agreed.
14% more romantic. Definitely agreed.
43% less anti-authority. I don't know how I feel about this...
3% less wealthy. Yep.
30% less averse to change. Agreed.
6% less individualistic. Damnit. I don't know. I hope not!
4% more sexual. Agreed.
30% less “peter pan complex”. Agreed. Grown up a lot.
50% less histrionic (dramatic). Not sure, but I'm going to agree.
10% more religious/spiritual. Agreed.

Negative:
20% more narcissistic. I don't know. I mean, I can recognize that I look better than I did and am at least moderately attractive. And I'm easier on myself and more confident. I hope that doesn't make me a narcissist. Like my roommate... he dances in front of the mirror in his underpants and thinks he's the shit.
4% weaker work ethic. I hope not! I would say it was stronger.
10% more dependent. I'm less dependent now, but I realize more clearly how I am still dependent on my parents.
10% more vain. Agreed... I look better so I like dressing up and trying to look nice.
16% less adventurous. I don't agree with this!

Neutral:
4% more interdependent. Would agree I think.
20% less cautious. Agreed.

So overall. My new results seem more accurate.

Hypersensitivity (56%) and indie (10%) were on the new test but not on the old one. I think I'm not so hypersensitive, but... definitely sensitive. Indie... I have no idea.

Honor (30%) and thriftiness (50%) were on the old test, but not on the new one. I think I'm more honorable than 30%. I think I'm a little thrifty but I'm not good at deal seeking...


I didn't really agree with my old trait snapshot. My new one makes more sense. I still wouldn't say I like large parties, though. And I'm not very aggressive or dominant.

I've apparently become more task oriented and less fun and spontaneous, though... Hmm. I guess that's true.

I'm just.. apparently more 'out of my shell' now. More orderly, more stable. Happier, healthier. Doing better.

Go me!


These are the new results:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Stability |||||||||||||| 56%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70%
Interdependence |||||||||||||| 60%
Mystical |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Materialism || 10%
Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 70%
Adventurousness |||||||||| 40%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 50%
Conflict seeking |||| 20%
Need to dominate |||||| 30%
Romantic |||||| 30%
Avoidant || 10%
Anti-authority |||| 20%

Wealth |||||||||| 40%
Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 80%
Change averse || 10%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Sexuality |||||||||| 40%
Peter pan complex |||| 20%
Histrionic |||| 20%
Vanity |||||||||| 40%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Hedonism || 10%
Physical fitness |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious |||| 20%
Paranoia || 10%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||| 56%
Indie || 10%

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
expressive, open, self revealing, loves large parties, loud, social, outgoing, does not like social isolation, assertive, social chameleon, positive, always busy, likes to fit in, likes to stand out, enjoys leadership, brutally honest, trusting, optimistic, desires attention, dominant, aggressive, attachment prone, wants to be understood, realistic





These are the old results:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 70%
Stability |||||||||| 34%
Orderliness |||||||||| 34%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 62%
Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 62%
Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism || 10%
Materialism |||||||||||| 50%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 50%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56%
Humanitarian |||||||||||||| 56%
Conflict seeking |||| 16%
Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43%

Romantic |||| 16%
Avoidant || 10%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 63%
Wealth |||||||||||| 43%
Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70%
Change averse |||||||||||| 43%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Sexuality |||||||||| 36%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 50%
Family drive |||||| 23%
Physical Activity |||||||||||||||| 70%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Paranoia |||| 16%
Vanity |||||| 30%
Honor |||||| 30%
Thriftiness |||||||||||| 50%

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose

So I'm considering changing my name and switching over to  guardian_pinion. I don't know how I feel about this new name. It's been hanging in the back of my mind for days. But now that I've actually tried to change over to that name, it kind of makes me sound like a mexican cattle driver. Or something. It just isn't as strong as Anubis. Hmm. Thoughts?

-"This is the one situation.. I wanted most to avoid."

"My dear opponent, I really can't imagine why."

-"So I am not dangerous, then? What a shame..."

"Oh, you're not dangerous... who could think that of.."

both- "You? You are so strange... Why can't you be what you ought to be? You should be scheming, intriguing, too clever by heart..."

"I have to hand it to you... For you've managed to make me forget why I ever agreed to this farce."

Both- "I don't know why I can't think of anything I would rather do...

Than be wasting my time on mountains with you."

I wonder so often now. Where am I going? I mean, we can't gain anything without sacrificing some. That's why some things hurt and we can't do anything about it.

Macen, you understand what I mean... God I miss you. Why has there never been romance in my life? You're so charming. But you still find it nearly impossible. What are you missing? Because I can't see it. What am I missing? Do I even want it? Because I can't see it in everyone. I can't even be sexually attracted to people I don't really care for. What is the purpose of all of this? Why am I even writing about this?

I suppose my doors will only open further. And that's a good thing... because it gives me a broader view of what's in this world.

After all, I do have a metal heart. Right? I just want to be strong. I want to do the right thing. I want to help people.

The passage of time heals all.

"Let man's petty nations tear themselves apart. My land's only borders lie around my heart..."

I'm so excited today. I'm still a bit ill, but... Some subtleties in the air are stirring me. I want something amazing to happen. I want.. I want to dance.

But answer me this. A name has been popping into my head. The name "Pinion" has been ringing in my mind. Out of nowhere. Why? I can't seem to figure it out. Who is Pinion?

There are the embers of a fire that's gone out, but I can still feel the heat on my skin. This mess we're in, you and I... maybe you and I. We can still make it right.

Maybe we can bring back the light.