I love rats. I love having precisely balanced medication. I love nourishing friendships. And I love to write.

The first two are being taken care of appropriately. The third is something I'm making a stronger effort at being better at.

The fourth I'm just being a silly mamby-pambying wishy-washing nancyboy by making excuses not to do.

So no more excuses.~

I don't have much to say about the end of the year. I am a very tired person.

I guess you could say, putting it colorfully, I've rerouted power from noncritical systems to keep my central processing online.

I got some markedly good news in the mail yesterday, but it is a testament to how potent depression can be in that I'm unable to really feel how good the aforementioned news should make me feel.

I managed to kick a year-and-a-half long addiction to amphetamines, on my own.

I got a pet back in February. We bonded in a way that allowed me, for the first time, to understand just how wonderful having a friendship in a pet can be.

I was with him as he died in my hands about two weeks ago. I loved that little life more than I can possibly describe. Our friendship was cut short. Way too short.

I will keep on walking. I don't know where I'm headed, but I'll keep walking there, as long as my legs still carry me.

Well I'm on the Downeaster "Alexa"
And I'm cruising through Block Island Sound
I have charted a course to the Vineyard
But tonight I am Nantucket bound

We took on diesel back in Montauk yesterday
And left this morning from the bell in Gardiner's Bay
Like all the locals here I've had to sell my home
Too proud to leave I worked my fingers to the bone

So I could own my Downeaster "Alexa"
And I go where the ocean is deep
There are giants out there in the canyons
And a good captain can't fall asleep

I've got bills to pay and children who need clothes
I know there's fish out there but where God only knows
They say these waters aren't what they used to be
But I've got people back on land who count on me

So if you see my Downeaster "Alexa"
And if you work with the rod and the reel
Tell my wife I am trawling Atlantis
And I still have my hands on the wheel

Now I drive my Downeaster "Alexa"
More and more miles from shore every year
Since they tell me I can't sell no stripers
And there's no luck in swordfishing here.

I was a bayman like my father was before
Can't make a living as a bayman anymore
There ain't much future for a man who works the sea
But there ain't no island left for islanders like me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVlDSzbrH5M

Right, so I love the heck out of Dragonball Z, yeah? And I likes me some Frieza too, because he's just so damn slick.

So when I found out that the following song actually exists...man. It blew my mind, brother. It blew my mind.

"Freeza" by Maximum the Hormone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLUME35vcXE

Like...whoa.

Best part at http://youtu.be/QLUME35vcXE?t=1m22s

X3;

I woke up today and reread the previous journal I wrote, realizing just how...out-of-character it felt to me reading it. I dont always experience thoughts and feelings like this, but when it happens it completely changes my state of mind, and when I revert to feeling normal, aforementioned feelings almost seem alien.
I may have to consider the possibility that my mental disorder is either more severe or more complex than I realize.

I don't think I'm actually as sad as that felt, to be honest. But I'm starting to consider the possibility that I may have something that is or is related to bipolar disorder. Those sensations of sadness and pain were crippling when I felt them, but I feel normal now. That's...a little unsettling and weird.

So, lately I haven't been too sad. Taking the appropriate medication regularly goes a long way to helping that. But I do feel some degree of melancholy...and lonely. That comes with this particular territory.

I've been thinking a lot about things I could do to draw some energy back into my spirit; an infusion of light. I miss being fun and smiling and stuff. I've pulled so far back into this little shell that it's hard to get out. I miss touching people, and being touched, in the sense of flittering emotions and breezey laughter flowing through the air.

I want to head for the sky and play catch the stars with other people again.

I collapsed in the kitchen yesterday. I was getting some milk when my head started to spin. I thought I was going to throw up, but it went way past that threshold and I lost consciousness for a few seconds. I'd slid across the counter and managed to hit the ground with my hands first, so I didn't hit my head.

My mom was there, and thankfully I didn't get hurt.

I've never felt the loss of control of my own body like that before. It was more frightening than anything I've ever felt before.

Over the last year or so...I've made a few very poor choices. Some of those choices pushed my mind and my body further than it could take. I'm now showing some symptoms that could indicate damage to my vascular system.

I'm terrified, to be honest. Shivering.

All I want out of this life is to be warm, make warmth, and share it with others.

But that hole inside of me...it is destroying who I am.

Too much of my life has just been a thick fog lately, something I've been hiding in and behind.

I don't have the desire to disappear. I just...need to reignite, so I can feel bright again.

I don't want to lie,
About the way I am feeling.
For I am angry, Adonai,
And my heart is slowly sealing.

I am very tired.

Looking back on the friendship that ended so unceremoniously, I'm figuring out things that I was too distraught and confused to figure out when it was all going down. Like why I was feeling so neglected and so scared. I thought, months ago, that it was because I wanted to hang onto a romantic relationship.

But as I sift through my emotions, separating signals and studying them, I realize that ultimately, it had nothing to do with the romance, and everything to do with the friendship. The friendship had been dying for awhile, and despite all my efforts to figure out why at the time, everything seemed to go back to this fabled 'romance'.

But it was never the romance that truly made me happy. It was the gentle conversations, the nights roleplaying adventures together, the incredible shoulder I had to cry on, and the sheer enormity of one person's kindness towards me, sticking with me despite how long it took for me to grow and get out of my shell.

Worse, I never gave myself the permission to think critically, to get mad. All I knew how to do was blame myself for all the reasons the friendship was failing. I never stopped to think that the other side was causing neglect. I never got mad, I never made it known how the ignorance and coldness was making me feel.

Someone can't spend years telling you that you're a special person, that we share a deep bond of friendship, that you're someone they'd never want to hurt, only to then just...stop caring.

I kept blaming myself, even after it all ended. But now I know it wasnt my fault. I poured my heart and soul into trying to understand, trying to make some sense of it all. But you? You just...gave up. I mean, I get it. Life was causing you some serious depression. But you didnt communicate with me. You didnt ask me for space, you didnt ask me to understand. You just grew distant and I could never figure out why until now.

You made excuses that I now know werent the whole story. You were dishonest with me, when I had spent years earning your forgiveness for a lie I told a long time ago. I never wanted to lie to you again. But to know that you werent honest with me? To know that you preferred I walked away instead of giving me a chance to understand what was bothering you? I would have given you space. I respected you. I honored you in my heart.

I would have given you my bone marrow if you'd needed it. All I wanted in return was the kindness you'd always so freely given.

The end of it all? It hurt more than I could have imagined, because you left the burden on me to walk away. You were complacent to just pay me minimal mind. I had to make the choice alone, without any understanding of why. I had to walk away, with every fibre of my being screaming because I was tearing myself away from someone who was my guardian, my protector, my mentor. You taught me how not to hate myself.

I believed in you! I trusted you! And you failed me. You let the friendship bleed to death. You willingly lied to me, despite how important honesty was to you.

You failed me. I have to come now, angry, covered in tears, and realize that it wasnt my fault. That you, for once, had truly done me wrong.

You should apologize. But it's too late for that. I sealed that door, while my soul and my heart was screaming and just begging inside to make sense of it all.

This wasnt my fault. You made the wrong choices. You didnt ask for me to understand. You didnt give me a hint or a clue.

This wasnt me. This was you.

And you know what? I'm angry, but I'm not hateful. I dont wish that bad things come your way. I dont crave revenge. Do you want to know why!?

Because you've done more good in my life and caused more positive change in me than anyone ever had. For six of those seven years, you wathed me and made sure I continued to grow, you made sure I didnt try to hurt myself...

YOU MADE SURE THAT THERE WAS A SMILE ON MY FACE AS MUCH AS YOU COULD HELP IT!

I would be dead now if it weren't for your presence in my life. Before we met, I was moving down a dark path that was going to end in suicide. But you gave me a torch, held my hand, and showed me that I could choose another path to follow.

You saved my life. You are the reason I am still alive. It has become absolutely impossible for me to hate you. The shape of your influence is a permanent fixture in the makeup of my soul.

But I am mad. I am mad at you, and I do feel I deserved your honesty. And if I could, I would slap you, I would slap you one time, as hard as I can. So you could understand just how much it hurt me to say goodbye.

I hope somebody slaps you once, for me. And then? I hope you find the kind of magic in your life that you had placed in mine. I hope you rise out of that funk you're in, and I hope you go on to take hold of all of your dreams, I hope you find love, and start a family.

I hope you know that 20, 40, 60 years from now, there will still be a small part of me where your touch resides. I hope you know that even when I find love, chase my career, start my family, that you will have a special place in my memories.

I hope you know that I will always love you, in the way a friend loves a friend, and a brother loves a brother.

I hope...that God blesses you, and that maybe, one of my prayers can play a part in sending a few extra stars into your night sky.

I think that's the best way to describe the way things are right now. I've been...just trying to stay in one piece, I guess. I've ceased most human contact, since it's just been...too hard to stay upright and keep moving. I don't have the energy to nuture friendships...I don't have the energy for other people's problems.

I try very hard to stay away from attracting pity. I'm not the sort who wants to like...project my negativity onto others. What's happening to me is me, and it isn't something anybody else can control.

But there's a part of it that...I just don't get. A part of it that never seems to change, it doesn't go away.

It's a place inside of me, where things just arent right. It's a reminder, a foggy flittering of just a few words, they come and go...I guess something like self-consciousness.

"Why are you broken?" Sums it up. That question.

Those who know me online know that I tend to be a cheerful, playful, emotionally open individual. I like making sunlight and sharing it with other people. I love it when others are happy.

But...something inside of me just...it's never been in harmony with the rest of me. And it does...so much damage, in a slow, subtle way.

Subtle enough that it's easy to hide. Very easy. But each one of those cracks that start to run through the inside of me...I can't hide it from myself. And it just...

It takes my own sunlight away.

*sigh* Worst of all, I'm just wondering if I made the right choice in severing a painful friendship...cause it left a massive hole behind.

This song suits my mood pretty well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgpwAzIrF-E

Stay close tonight, and hold me tight, maybe then I'll believe that you never went away.
Just to stay together, and to feel alright, keep me safe and we'll greet the day.
But when I open my eyes,
I see there is nothing that was ever really there.
I wonder why it has to be?
Why with nobody can I share?

Now the shades will come, say goodbye to the sun, watch the horizon as it walks away.
Just clutching a heart, as its falling a part, knowing there's not a thing you can say.
And alone, I live here,
In a room with no open, only walls and no sound.
With one thing to see,
My one reality,
Is the fact my tears will pool on the ground.

Give me wings,
Give me the strength to run and start flying away.
My heart sings.
But every note is silent , I have nothing to say.

Every note is silent,
That's all I can say.

---

I think I've come to a point where my emotional energy is really at a minimum. I haven't written anything of substance in quite some time, and there's a good chance that all of my friendships have either suspended or faded away.

Unless something good happens, or I start writing again, I don't think anyone's going to be hearing from me for awhile. So, take care.

At least this is something I can be proud of, knowing that I'm part of the team effort which has gotten this far.

Raiding Progress
Bastion of Twilight: Halfus Wymbreaker, Valiona & Theralion, Ascendant Council, Cho'Gall, ALL DEFEATED.

Blackwing Descent: Magmaw, Omnitron Defense System, Maloriak, Atramedes, Chimeraon DEFEATED

Nefarian & Onyxia UNDEFEATED

Throne of the Four Winds: Conclave of Wind, Al'Akir UNATTEMPTED

Firelands: Shannox DEFEATED

Bael'Roc UNDEFEATED

Beth'ilac, Lord Rhyolith, Alysrazor, Majordomo Fandral Staghelm, Ragnaros UNATTEMPTED

Obtained 3 pieces of the Priest Tier 12 set, "of the Cleansing Flame".

I've been feeling the urge to be creative building up once again. I've been working on-and-off an outline for a World of Warcraft 10-man style Raid Encounter utilizing lore, setting, and characters from my own world. The raid is The Last Citadel, a 6-boss and 2 heroic-only boss raid dungeon. It's a multi-story tower born from the pain and loss left after the genocide of the Gerougeon civilization. The lore setting the stage for each encounter comes in the form of npc quest text and boss dialogue. Each encounter builds on how key people felt during the last night and morning of the Gerougeon.

=List of Bosses and Abilities=
Boss 1: Shade of Memories
The remnants of one who stood closest to the end of it all, and gave his life to try and stop it.

Abilities: Dark Vision, Realize Nightmare, Soulsorrow, Obliterate Hope, Abolish Light, Tears of Regret, Shattering

Boss 2: High Lorekeeper Gregory
The overseer of the Obelisk of Knowledge, the Gerougeon's central library and the greatest source of their pride. Gregory's spirit longs for the chance to go back and take action, regretting that he was too late to do anything the first time.

Abilities: Arcane Focus, Arcane Blast, Arcane Burst, Arcane Crash, Blazing Focus, Pyroblast, Inciniburn, Wildstorm, Icy Focus, Frozen Orb, Grand Lance, Shattervoid

Boss 3: Voice of Darkness
A loosely connected storm of anger-laced betrayal, the Voice of Darkness speaks furiously of the one who let him down, who let everyone down.

Abilities: NYI

Boss 4: Suguna Gentlewhispers
A wife and Mother, Suguna endures an enternal sense of loss as her passing from this world set in motion the events that ended it all.

Abilities: Aura of Pacification, Purify, Rebuke Magic, Abolish Harm, Summon Guardian Knight, Summon Imperial Keeper, Summon Living Aegis, Gentlevoice, Revivification, Mass Resurrection

Boss 5: Oblivion
A silent entity of emptiness, the purpose of Oblivion is not at first known.

Abilities: Gravity Well, Consume Mana, Destroy Mana, Mark of Ruin, Ruinate, Obliviate, Energy Stop, Mark of Death, Consume Death, Mass Degeneration

Boss 6: The Armored Lion
A grand statue depicting a Lion equipped with a Grand Crusader's Armor of Light, wisps and passages that drift from the statue's body reveal whisperings of one considered a true and mighty hero.

Abilities: Crusader Strike, Holy Shield, Pursuit of Justice, Holy Slam, Holy Light, Rally the Hearts of Millions, Unstoppable Resolve, Brilliance Aura, Hammer of Retribution, Hammer of Truth, Hand of Repentance, Hand of Light, Final Light

Heroic Bosses: Lots of work to do on these two.

That's the long and short of it, I suppose.

I've been excessively slow about things lately, and I still can't seem to regain the desire to get to writing again. I'm not going to be a bearer of bad news, there's certainly some good to speak of.

For one, Cymbalta seems to have a rather profound effect on the dread and depression I usually face. It's the first antidepressant that I've ever felt actually worked, and it's lightend my mental load to some degree.

I've also started to become a bit more social, albeit in my own way. I finally found and joined a casual guild on World of Warcraft, and have been doing 10-man raiding content with them for the past month or so. My shyness about my voice sorta just went out the window after being forced to talk on vent (raiding kinda requires it).

I've found myself getting into conversation, speaking openly without shyness, and starting to form some friendships with the members of the guild. It's a very pleasant thing.

And yet still, I'm recovering from my loss in a big way. I once had someone who I saw as my one true guardian, a big brother I'd never had before. He was someone I confided my deepest, darkest secrets in, and someone who'd helped lift me through so many tears.

But he is also someone who changed, who pulled away from me, who told me things that werent entirely true, and who seemed to have forgotten the meaning of the words he'd once said to me. I felt so hurt and forgotten. I couldn't approach my best friend in the same way anymore. And it seemed like all he wanted to do was just go away from me.

I can understand that certain things had to change, and I was okay with that. But his attitude and the way he interacted with me also changed, from warmth to cool indifference. I was no longer a treasure to him. I was no longer something that could bring him joy. As much as I get that life sometimes gets really busy and people dont have time...that didn't excuse the death of his warmth towards me.

Maybe my expectations were higher because of just how much he meant to me. And as much as I'm getting better, mourning it less, I still miss him, I still miss that friendship.

You wont ever read this, but you really hurt me, you know. You hurt me so bad inside. I dont hate you for it, nor do I want revenge. All I feel is sorrow and loss. You really did have a beautiful warmth. But for some reaosn you just slowly took it away.

I lost my big brother. I lost my guardian. I lost someone was very much a mentor. I lost my best friend.

And it hurts. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt before.

I wish I could still be in your presence. I wish I could still do the things that made you smile.

I wish you were still here.

But that doesn't make it any easier to endure.

Seven years. A seven year friendship ending like that?

It's a lie to say I'm not enraged inside. I'd love to just scream for awhile.

I'll be writing things again. But right now, I'm just too busy mopping up tears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NM5HmSs8sVg