Drawdle

That's where I'll be. This account is old as dirt and the work I have on here is not up to par anymore. I don't like gallery purges because it takes away pieces that people have enjoyed, but for the sake of not crawling through more than 700 pieces of artwork I will be consolidating to Drawdle. I have improved a lot in a short time, one of those sporadic surges of growth that happen from time to time. Far from the days of stiff side posed pencil sketches I used to do.

Earlier this week one of my best buddies and roommate Noel Gonzalez was in a car accident. Yesterday I got the news that he won't be coming home. He's in a really bad way and he's not going to wake up. The thing that keeps tearing my fucking heart out is he is so loved by literally hundreds of people. He's one of the best men I've ever met and I can't think of a single person who didn't welcome him into their hearts and homes with open arms. He had just joined mine and Jordan's. We were supposed to be looking for a house when they came home next week. He was an amazing person, I've rarely ever even seen him unhappy in a way that he didn't actively try to change. Even when he was upset he would aggressively reach and do anything to make the change to make the world happy again. Even in a town with no friends he would go out every night to meet new people at a bar and flirt. Instead of sitting on a couch and watching tv he would rather be biking or hiking. Nature was his home and everything was his playground. At 41 I've never met a stronger and more outgoing person. Most of the people that met him would have sworn he was in his twenties despite the grey hairs. His facebook page is full of over a hundred people with hundreds more by proxy waiting on news to see their friend again and right now I have to sit with the knowledge that he's gone and wait for his family to tell the rest. My only wish is that he passes soon so that he's not trapped here in this and all the people that are going to be hurt by this can feel it and begin to heal. For someone who can't stand sitting in the house all day, a life hooked to machines where he'd be lucky to open his eyes on his own is no life at all. If there is anything after this life, he deserves that adventure. He deserves to wander after life like he did when he was in it. He needs to be able to see the people he missed when he was here.

I get to put this here because it doesn't connect with my social media and none of my pirate brothers and sisters knows about this page but I have to get this out. This hurts so fucking bad.

After nearly two weeks of battle Noel has finally passed today. Even last week he had to go and prove how badass he really was. Tuesday he stopped breathing on his own and Wednesday they removed him from the machines. He was pronounced dead only to come back breathing stronger than when he was on the machines and he lived for three more days. Went and died just so he could die twice. Incredible all the way to the end. If something like a car was going to take you out, you had to make it interesting.

I love you buddy. Noel Gonzalez 9/8/74 - 8/13/16

So I've been here in Las Vegas for 15 days now. In the time since the 5th I have worked 116.5 hours 12 days straight with today being my first and likely only day off. This time I got to climb for 6 of those days, a hundred feet up and down more than a half a dozen times a day wearing a 20 some odd pound climbing harness with lanyards, wrench, steel hammer, knife, carabiners, daisy chains, y lanyard fall arrest with 9 inch meat hooks and in a few cases an additional 30+ pounds of wire ropes and shackles. In other words I am sooooo beat. My hands hurt so bad now that I had about 24 hours off. This is going to be an epic show with a pretty decent paycheck but hodamn am I in need of some r and r after this. I'll put up some links to some more of the stages as they go live so you guys can see this wonderful neon city in the Las Vegas Motor Speedway that will disappear without a trace by this coming Friday.

So  littlegraytiger and I went to the con and for the most part great fun was had. Lots of chilling out in the room, drawing, watching movies, occasionally browsing around the artists and Jaime had some great luck finding some new homes for some of her work. It was awesome geeking out, having some good food, watching some awesome and terrible movies, swimming and most importantly relaxing and defusing from a busy as shit month of non stop work and stress.

On the down side, my car was among those that were targeted and broken into. Thankfully mine was slim jimmed so no broken windows but my custom made knife for Jaime and my custom longboard that was on its way to a new home were among the many things that pulled a disappearing act. After 4 years of FWA sadly I no longer think it will be counting. My best times at this convention were had chilling with a friend and the disappointment of losing things that have more sentimental than physical value to some scumbag who has no idea what I would do to get them back... This will probably be my last con.

I have some work that I made for some awesome peeps and two pieces that I sold but was not in the artist alley as long as expected to give them to their owners.

Comment with a heart below and I will:

1. Tell you what animal/creature you remind me of.
2. Tell you what color I think fits you.
3. Tell you how I feel about you.
4. Insult you.
5. Tell you my favorite OC of yours. (If you have one...)
6. Tell you what season you remind me of.
7. Tell you what food you smell like in my head.
8. Think of a random nickname for you.
9. Tell you what element you remind me of.
10. Order you to put this in your journal without using the words 'tag' or 'dare'.

Got to spend my New Years and birthday in a special way with my Droogy. Now to sit around and watch anime and horror movies before going back to work to a royally pissed off boss.

Feeling that way.

So I finally checked my inkbunny after like 2 years because I kept getting email notifications and I finally remembered the password. I want to make a joke about it being a good place to look for babysitters because apparently everyone there loves kids... but it's quite literally too sick to even joke about. Seriously the hash tags on that site could probably be used to profile baby rapists like the guy that fucked an 18 month old to death or the woman who sent her boyfriend videos of her raping her two year old...

That said I know fantasy is fantasy but holy shit guys, that's some pretty fucked up shit right there.

Been in a really despondent and really numb mood for a while now it seems. Momentary cheer breaks it up to the point I can't remember it's there. Today, staying behind a few hours at the shop and just drinking in the loneliness and overwhelming atmosphere just brought back the familiar loneliness and the self introspection that I feel has been missing for too long. I won't say what came across my mind except that it is familiar and was not received well by those around me despite the relief it gave me in a somber way. I miss it.

I have a chance at long last to actually save up money, I looked at houses, only 20 grand to get a decent one. For once in my life, that is not an impossible goal. I can do it. I can do it in a few years even if I just hang tight. I just have to cut out a lot of things in my life and my mind. I have to focus. This year's goal and resolution. If I make 30 thousand. I save ten of it. That's twelve grand to pay for expenses for every month and eight to cover everything else.

I loved the feeling in the shop. Flat out, I loved it. No boss, no pressure, just me and my work and for once in my time in this company I loved everything that I was doing. I need to embrace that, get into the swing of things at long last and fucking rock this job out. If I can do this and become what I'd need to be to move up, if not with this company but elsewhere... I can finally have it, a fucking life that is mine with no one to answer to.

Because that shit was fucking hilarious.

 tamyra hosting a ridiculous breakfast wiener art raffle thing that is decided via random number generator.

Got to chill out with my B and the Runicorn for my birthday. To which I celebrated by joining in the Happy Nude Deer themed drawing frenzy in which much screaming about hands and arms and things. And also drew a piece of me and B watching pieces of the ball drop in flames with the numbers that counted them down around them.


 lizcuit foreverchagrin runihura LeeLee NeoKat idlekotake Jeriko PunkBawkChicken

 Oniontrain FlorecentMoo Sanguinarian_Lion Vodz BigBoobsMcgoo


 Alex_kl5 NamelessEnemy GunslingerDragon Goth-face Ravetar

Erdile
Beaknose
Ribnose
AKKusky
StyxandStoned
Chezne
CrunchButtSteak
Disidi
Paravoid
TangoUniform
Slushie

I love you guys so much. For all my fellow denizens and peeps that wished me a happy new year and even a birthday



So many more that may still be lurking around here somewhere whose names have changed and such or may have moved along. All of my watchers who still manage to find that I post work every now and then and favorite nearly everything I do. I notice and I love you. It is seriously the reason I keep working.

I'm still alive, still trying to work on some stuff. Just got a piece out tonight based off the Sins of the Solar Empire song and my long standing idea of a gold cloak guard based off of the house sparrow. Shitty cell pic can be seen here.

My art has become repetitive and lame. Anyone got any ideas?

So maybe you've seen that I've died and gone away for a while with no artwork and next to no color commentary. I have been on the road for a little over a month as a stagehand setting up festivals. First was the Hangout Festival in Gulf Shores Alabama. Now I'm in Las Vegas setting up the Electric Daisy Carnival. There is a possibility that I may be actually setting up the Blue Man Group on show call. I've apparently become somewhat requested around the job site. Part of team freedom which set up and rolled out cases to all the scaff, ran cable and hung lights at VIP stage right and half of VIP stage left.... Where we beat wholesale ass on Jordan's team which couldn't set up half of what we did even with a lift... And they still had to rerun their cable to hide it. Cable ramps far as the eye can see, and then we hit the snag... A lead with no directions that bitches at you... for not doing anything. stand by to stand by is what we have to do on a neck down gig. Sorry you keep running off to get coffee bawss. Also thanks a lot for running our break an hour late when we came in 2 hours early... also nice to have our second and last 15 minute break an hour late as well. At 4 oclock in the morning when you've been coiling Soca, running feeder, placing boxes, setting lights and setting cable ramps for 6 runs without a fork driver to even bring the pallet remotely close to where they run for four hours straight... I guess sitting down is not really necessary. Long as the foreman has his coffee. And we still suck for making him look like a fuck stick because no one told us which cable or snake to feed to front of house or main stage and we have to stand by...

But it's all good shit on Team Freedom because they can kiss our fucking ass. At least we weren't the riggers that fucking fell asleep under the stage on standby or racked up about 15,000 dollars in fines because they put four fucking people in a lift. Or the idiots that about went up the steel with their harness backwards. By the way if you wear a 5 point harness backwards and hook to the dorsal attachment... imagine sitting on a swing and then leaning backwards. If your lucky, your foot will catch in one of the legs slamming you into the steel and rendering you unconscious for the rest of your flight.

a placeholder until after I'm done with work today where I shall give all the proper shoutouts and huzzahs to some of the random people that made FWA a wonderful time. that being said in the placeholder a few shoutouts for the time being.

 surlyqueen thank you for rocking hard and keeping me company in the artist alley.
 slashersivi thank you for making me a kick ass little commission.
 shandradragoness thank you for rocking the hell out and going overboard on a $5 commission.
 runihura thank you for being a bro-ny and driving us out to FWA.
 foreverchagrin thank you for being a /b/rony and coming with us. Sorry you caught the crud before the thing even started.
 lizcuit you know what... 81" will meet size 11 boot for those puns last night o.O
 littlegraytiger Thank you for coming as well and chilling with me through the dens.

I sadly have to run off to haul furniture for a few hours but when I return... 2'S MEGAFACE!!!

That has absolutely nothing to do with anything. For once I have a steady existence that isn't trying to test my will for homicide. Instead I have money, a job, a home, two kick ass roommates even if they aren't as cool as the last two... /B/ you know I mean you and the others don't exist anymore. Soon they REALLY won't >..> Nah they're miserable and struggling and I love it. Jordan had something to add to what you told me and it was glorious. I'm getting back into my art with a vengeance and now that I have a really kick ass scanner that rocks out at 4800 dpi I'm back in business. All of my sketches that were captured via pokeb- camera phone will be moved to scraps and the scans shall take over the gallery. I might even get back on my tablet and try to get some real work out there soon too.

In short "I always am" I'm in the best shape of my life benching apparently well over 290 without struggle. I need to test this further, I ran out of weights before I couldn't lift it anymore. I have money at long last and can even save it! No more paycheck to paycheck shit. I finally get to go to a con with  foreverchagrin runihura lizcuit and  littlegraytiger. I cannot wait to get some things done, start writing two stories to submit to Fimfiction.net "sue me I like ponies and I need to work on my writing" and some of the drawings to accompany them.

First one was a bit of internal struggle via Discord still alive and well within the cast leading to some disastrous results. Second one a story of the cast in a "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" tale. Patients in a hospital with their adventures actually real scenarios played out within the confines and how the real results were much less comical as they seemed. It will go DARK as I play out the series and into the storyline leading to a cupcakes style breakdown of our favorite party pony patient.

Also METAL CONCERT WITH  foreverchagrin AND  lizcuit TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!!

I feel fantastic and I'm still alive. For recent watchers and anyone that really cares, I am still breathing and will hopefully be back to doing some art soon. I'm back to full time employment with a moving company so that pitch black cloud of despair is finally lifted from my head. I am for the moment without proper scanner so my uploads will either be completely digital "I need to work on that anyway" or shitty camera phone pics. Regardless I am still kicking ass and chewing bubblegum and I've never been a big fan of gum.

Need to get some disgusting monsters drawn here and get back to my basics. I still owe you that machine gun toting male doubledicktaur crimes beast... No I don't quite remember the specifics of that conversation but I know it involved that and tank girl...

I also need to do about 20% more artwork and letter for  idlekotake.

"Darling, I AM a woman and I still don't understand us, as a gender. We're a mess. I've come to one basic, generalized conclusion, though: Men are simple beings (even when they try to play at being complicated). Females are complex (even when they try to play at being simple)."

I want to know, how many women honestly believe a load of horse shit like that. How many actually cling to that stereotype and cause honest and decent men to get lumped in with a bunch of shit heads because they actually believe we all suck and all we will ever care about is sex. Men obviously only need to be fed, watered and fucked before you put them back in their box after they're done pleasing you. How many people on here will actually claim to know a bit better than this?

Discuss PLEASE!

Posted for venting, now it's gone. Think no more of it.

Realized just how out of date that last journal was. The jeep turned out to be a rolling disaster and was scrapped for money that did not go to pay me back for the 60+ hours of work that I put in for it. So I was pretty much fucked on that not to mention the cash I doled out just to arrange transportation down to said area that I could work towards that fucking thing. So I'm out the 400 bucks that I made at my last job. No such luck gaining any employment with a record that somehow even as a misdemeanor black flags me from even getting a Mc Job or work at any sales or retail... Outstanding.

Reality, meet bullshit. Bullshit, reality. Wait... they're one and the same. Never mind, just wander along while I talk to myself.

So my first week on the job, putting up solar panels...
day 2 we have 6 rows of panels up
day 3 we have all 28 rows of panels up
day 4 I gash my arm open on a grounding bolt.. holy fuck those things are like razors
5 stitches. should be six but the doc rushed it and one came out this morning.

Scratch that, fired from said job and I'm a loser again...

 idlekotake is having a secret santa contest so head on over here for that.

I don't know when I will feel the embrace of another now... When I truly could have used it most I am left finally alone. So close to being out of this endless nightmare circle of hell that this state has impressed upon me like the crushing weight of a bulldozer and now I find I will have no loving arms to embrace me when I make it through. I needed someone to care, to love, to share... Nothing, isolation, avoidance, neglect, deception... Is this what this life holds for me? I love my friends... More than anything else I love you guys. But when I go to sleep alone at night and know that I have nothing to hold on to... This existence just gets a little bit darker and more bitter.

Here I am about to be free of this hellhole again but this place is so rotten to the core it laughs at me as if telling me I'll never truly leave. I don't know what it is about this place but it's like these woods really are death. Every pet I've owned I buried here... The one I have left that was mine is sickly and I'm afraid does not have long left. I fear when I leave she will be gone. This place fills me with a sense of darkness and evil I have never understood before.

I hope that this feeling of overwhelming depression will fade with good company and work. Something tells me that I'm in for months of more shit though. For three+ years running my luck has been throwing me a bone just to watch me choke on the splinters. Do something mildly heroic, get fucked to hell and gone by the cops, the court, the doctors, and everything in between. Try and get my license back get fucked by the state, the doctors, and the dmv. Get a job that in one week made 538 dollars... Get fired because the court proceedings are ongoing and I'm a liability they can't employ... Now afterwards with a fresh shiny new criminal record and over a year out of work and I can't get a fucking goddamn job to save my goddamned life.

This country will burn... I will be holding the fucking gas can to make sure it never goes the fuck out...

1. Are you single or taken?
single - apparently I've been single for months.

2. Chocolate or flowers?
knives... Now preferably to end my fucking life.

3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
I sent texts that had Valentine's mentioned in them. Even happy in there as well.

4. Do you like anyone?
I guess the question should be directed the opposite way.

5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines?
no, and apparently I should have been told it was over before this one as well.

6. Who do you want to spend Valentines with?
Someone who actually wants me.

7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
maybe next year when I try to make a heart shaped blood splatter out of my corpse I will.

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
I am so blind to these things I sincerely doubt it.

9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
Yes and I have.

10. Do you believe in Cupid?
ummm...

11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines?
no and I'd be running for my life if they did, that could not possibly mean anything good.

12. Do you still send out Valentine cards?
I generally don't but this year I think I'll make an exception

13. Do you like candy hearts?
no...

14. What is something you got last Valentines?
hatred, darkness and dis pear!!!

15. Is Valentines depressing?
There has only been one that was remotely not absolutely suicidally bad. It's the way the holiday is made to be! Much like Christmas. One day to make you realize you are shit and your life generally sucks. Very rarely have I had someone that didn't just contact me because they felt obligated to in some way.

16. How is your love life?
apparently it's over for now and I didn't get the fucking memo...

17. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
No apparently I got dropped beforehand... again I don't know where it ended considering I wasn't on the receiving end of that memo.

18. How many roses would you want?
I envy the rose in your teeth love, much more for the thorns underneath love... digging into your gummmms.

19. Will you have a girlfriend/boyfriend this Valentines day?
yes [HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA - GUESS AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER]

20. Do you look forward to Valentines day?
practically under no circumstances.

21. Who was your last Valentine from?
/B/

22. Who do you expect to get a Valentine from this year?
Not really anyone although I know I'm getting something from someone who cannot be dissuaded

23. Who would you most like to receive a Valentine from?
I'm happy with the ones I got

24. How many Valentines will you be sending this year?
aside from messages. two

25. Have you ever not received a Valentine?
wait you mean this isn't the status quo?

26. What was the most Valentines you received in a single year?
I dunno I haven't really gotten any in quite some time other than a few messages which are generally standard at this point.

27. Have you ever received an anonymous Valentine?
maybe once a long ass time ago, it was probably as insincere as ones that weren't anonymous as well.

28. Have you ever sent an anonymous Valentine?
No, I always own up to that shit and only once has it not bitten me in the ass!

29. Will you be sending an anonymous Valentine this year?
If by anonymous you mean sending a channer to someone in a box!!!
Why do I suddenly find this to be the most romantic thing I've ever thought of?

30. What was the best Valentine gift you ever received?
a crushing end to a relationship I sacrificed two years of my life to try and keep.

31. What was the worst?
See above and realize there is no longer any tongue in this cheek...

32. Have you ever started dating someone on Valentines day?
Yeah once again, see above and feel the irony that I wasn't even informed that I didn't actually make it to my three year anniversary since she wouldn't even tell me she couldn't be bothered anymore.


Disclaimer... fuck my life and fuck this goddamn pitiful shit end to a relationship that came in the mail about 2-3 months late...