I picked my favorite picture today...

I'm putting it where you left the picture for me...

On the back it reads, in case it fades beyond recognition.

"I'll always love you and I hate what I had to do. I hope that one day you may have me as a friend again. You gave me some of the happiest memories of my life, I'm sad the way it ended. I love you Cat and I'll always be there for you, one way or another. Maybe as the time passes, so will the bitterness and anger.

Love David

you'll always hold a special place in my heart. 6-7-09"

so yeah. I'm outside and I have my bush ax which I must say is quite an intimidating piece of cutlery, and I'm talking on the phone whilst whittling a club of some size. I slam said bush ax point first into a tree and leave it hanging there and proceed to pace with my new club. Still talking on the phone and getting some wary looks from the neighbors... a few minutes go by and "I'm gonna have to call you back... its the cops..." I put the phone into my pocket and now picture this... I stand five foot eight at the tallest even wearing boots, I am wearing a camouflage army do-rag and I am wearing my tattered hoody that has shreds of cloth that hang out from beneath the cuffs of my also very tattered denim coat. Quite bulky and menacing, celtic cross stained into the right shoulder and shreds of fabric from where the coat is falling apart.

I see a squad car pull around the corner, and I see headlights approaching from behind me. I see two more cars pull in behind the first and I turn my head to the side and in my peripheral vision see two cars blocking the street. I'm completely encircled, the officers from the front three exit the vehicle, three officers with guns drawn and pointing at me, two with flashlights keeping me illuminated. I lean over and place the club tip first to the ground and flick it over, so as to lay it on the ground and grab my jackets by the shoulders and drop them to ground in front of me. standing with arms spread, fingers splayed, and staring them down they start to approach very slowly. The ones from behind tell me to lift my right arm and they grab the walmart box cutter from my waist and literally dart back well out of arms reach as I stare at them out of the corner of my eye, I then turn my head back and stare at the ones in front. They ask if I have anything else on me and I raise my left arm and point at the bush ax embedded in the tree. The two in the back get wide eyed as hell and step a bit farther back, the one nearest me with the flashlight lays his hand on his nightstick visibly frightened. They run through the standard questions albeit with guns drawn and pale faces, I tell them I was bored and cut the rest of the story short. One informs me that I need to keep in mind that I'm making people feel like they're in a Friday the 13th movie and I grin at him and lower my head not taking my eyes off of him. They ask me if I'm going to take it inside and I assure them that I will and they place my bush ax against a dumpster well out of reach and one hands me my knife back almost out of arms reach. They all back slowly to their cars and three stay behind to watch me enter my apartment.

Needless to say, about eight cops are thanking their lucky fucking stars that I'm not a "complete" psychopath and that shit did not go down tonight. I wish I could have had this on videotape because damn, it was priceless.

and has been replaced with maniacal laughter and bitterness. My face is sliced so much that people no longer even ask what happened. I have a wicked chelsea smile that runs from one side clear to the other crisscrossed on the left with another slice. My forehead is a smorgasbord of crisscrossed scars and marks... and my cheeks bear the resemblance of someone that got their face smashed through a glass door. Hurray for me, what a dumbass.

My nails are sharpened to points and have been put to use on this thing I see in the mirror. Hahahahahahaah, I swear to god I'm fucking losing it, I've probably permanently scarred my face into a halfassed semblance of the joker and I'm still laughing about it. "sigh" but at least the depression is over... now its been replaced with something much more fun. Anger, bitterness, hatred, betrayal, sadism, masochism, laughter and pleasure.

Do not feel the need to reply, this is my corner of the internet where I can laugh in silence and misery.

I'm trying to tell myself not to hope there won't be another one...

Here's to a life without loneliness, a life that's not mine.

I apparently wasn't good enough, I probably never will.
I loved you, it wasn't enough.
I would have done anything for you, it wasn't enough.
I changed myself for you... it wasn't enough.


I hope he's everything you can ask for.

the photos are posted
the poems are done
the knife put away
it can't be undone
the marks left behind
more mental than skin
will never truly show
the pain that I'm in
the tears have been shed
the anger has passed
my feelings are dead
I bury them at last.

as soon as you came
you left, I'm to blame
I pick up my knife once again
as the blade nears my face
to cut and leave trace
one day I may finally
leave this godforsaken race
everything you said
as you caressed me in your bed
means nothing once again
as I cut without pain
the knife to mark my skin
like the pain from within
as I draw it over and over again.

You came to me through the years
brushed away my sorrow and tears
I confided in you my deepest fears
you gently kissed and whispered in my ears
I want you forever a part of my life
to stay beside me through anger and strife
your presence is sharp like the edge of my knife
you keep me from turning it on myself
I lay it to rest on the space of my shelf
my blood no longer flows to spill without pain
as you whispered you were mine again and again
as we lay in your bed and listened to the storm
candles flickering as we laid there so warm
you said you were mine
I kept repeating that line
so many times in my mind
you were the comfort I could find
the first one that cared
I could have even dared
to give what we shared...
you came to me like a shroud of mist
all that I built was nothing when we kissed
I love you more than anything in my life
for you I laid down my knife
as you promised you would do for me
together we are free
from the loneliness that consumes me
I love you Cat...







even though I'm a fuzzy tailed rat "read squirrel"

le sigh -
my days of vagrancy and wandering are over. I have returned home with my squirrely tail firmly tucked between legs. I got pwnd, I failed at RL for now. The good thing is my parents have accepted me back after three years for some help. I present my portfolio next Friday, and then "tear of joy" I graduate on none other than Friday the 13th!!! I will stay my broke ass down in Bessemer City for a few months until when October rolls arond I should be enrolled and on my way to Seattle, which I have been told is the dreariest rainiest place in the US "exaggeration but ^_^" I would be so happy there, I think; I would be two hours drive from Vancouver, and apparently it is almost perpetually grey and rainy which are my favorite types of weather. I love looking at the sky and seeing pale grey with darkness on the horizon and thinking that the darkness may very well be the end. In that darkness lies an eternity of night and an end to this society. Just empty rain soaked cobblestone streets with dim yellow lamps. A dark sky not quite black but dark enough to dim the sky forever. </dystopian dream>

I can transfer then from Seattle to the AI of Vancouver and begin to work on my student Visa, followed by work Visa, and finally citizenship.

I find that it is redundant to "hope to god" for myself seeing as even if I were to believe, I do not think I would care much less worship him/her because so far... I have not been impressed yet. It is not a point of finding religion now but respecting it even if I were to be aware "certain" of it's honest existence. I just would not care to give myself to anything that would allow such atrocities to befall its own. They say it's for a higher purpose. It seems to me that it would just be a fetish... If there is a god and s/he is "testing" us... that is one sick bastard. There is too much shit being "tested" on those far to ignorant/young/sick/disabled to be fair or right in any way; to hell with divine knowledge...
but either way I hope that I make it, I really want to get there. steadily move my way north.
I wanted to write out a dream so I'm typing this.

It just kills me that I can't simply wander forever. I hope that there is an after life tailor made for each person. Mine would be an empty world, with empty streets and an endless supply of music because life should have a soundtrack ;D
Much like the rainy dystopia I described before, this one would be dark, but dark pastel grey brown sky, paper's of years gone by floating by in a gentle warm breeze in the heat. The grass, turned to dust and baked clay. My feet crunch in the patchwork desert of parched soil as I wander for all eternity moving whichever way I feel, seeing broken sites of mankinds history if it were left to rot in a bleak burnt world. Every one of them somewhere in this desert of time, the coliseum, what remains of niagara falls, the eiffel tower, the streets of London... All wreckage of our passing. Walk along an empty ocean floor as if the water had simply gotten up and gone away. A sea bed in the scorching heat with the aquatic mountains rising up on a pale horizon. Storm clouds come and go, but never rain. Just thunder from the heat.

I just found out that my old roommate and friend Brendan McCann passed away last year. We never even knew. I used to fucking play D&D with that kid.

http://www.carynews.com/112/story/5159.html
http://www.nceyebank.org/html2006/eb_m.html

I was just talking about him with my other roommate Chezne and I decided to google him up. See how he was doing maybe try to contact him. Couldn't find anything right away, so I pulled images. Found his picture with a link to NC eye bank donors. actually took a couple of minutes to realize that it meant that he was dead. Chezne found the other link to his obituary. I'm having some trouble realizing that he is now past tense. Actually realizing that he's gone.

good luck and god speed dude...