I just haven't been able to get myself back into my art, so I'm going to just surrender to it for a bit instead of torturing myself with constant regret about not doing any. It's got the point I can't even feel heartbroken about the loss of my art any more, I really don't feel anything but the tiniest twinge of frustration.

I'm going to suspend requests and commissions, and unfortunately that includes cancelling on the couple of requests that came at me earlier in the year. I do truly apologize for it, but I just need to give myself a genuine break and see if I can peck away at a couple of personal works and see if something shakes out.

So my computer totally crashed and burned.... I guess that was a couple months ago now. My tablet is no longer compatible for some reason, i've got no pressure sensitivity so I can't make anything decent on it.

I got promoted at work. I'm a department manager now, and it's a little easier on me than the constant stream of suckage that was being a grunt.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Without a tablet I'm stuck with traditional only. I did get a scanner but now the issue is the time and motivation it takes to make anything decent for posting.

I know journals get browsed over on FA in an instant, but if anyone does, just know that I miss being a part of the community at large and wish you all well.

Hope I can get my crap together soon.

It's been a rough one, I can't bother trying to deny it. Work ate me alive, on top of me being a little worse for wear now. I miss my art horribly, I'm sure anyone could tell that I haven't gotten to it like I want to, like I need to.

Working with a tablet was a mixed blessing. It improves my coloring, but for linework I just can't match my work by hand with a pencil. I'm going to see if I can't get a real scanner of my own soon and produce art like I really want to be.

Art aside I've also had a lot of trouble with my depression this year. I've had fewer breakdowns but worse ones, and this unshakeable frustration and fatigue. I get up every day and I just don't want to deal with reality. Sometimes I really don't know what to do, but i always manage to work through it somehow. It's getting harder to, but I'm still here.

Here's hoping for a better year. I wish everyone enough, enough to make you happy and to keep you going.

The idea has really been getting around lately hasn't it?

...and just after I settled into my natural red hair on myself too. I might go back to it maybe, several people seemed to like it more, and have gone out of their way to mention it to me.

I'm not mad at all, I'm not gonna call anyone a copycat (yay puns) or an imposter or anything, I think it's kinda cool cos I always liked the aesthetic of it.

Just noticing is all.

I want to ask friend and acquaintences of my mate to be patient with him in the coming week or two. He has to get a tooth cut out and he's going to be in a combination of pain and under the influence of pain killers. He also intends to try to quit smoking to help the healing and also for the point of quitting itself.

Thanks for your consideration and I hope this can be gotten through with some kind of easiness and peace.

I'm starting to feel a lil old, but it may just be from working too much

I can't think of a lot to say, I'm doin good. I've survived a quarter-century and I think I'll stay around.

Wish everyone well and I'll try to put somethin up for y'all when I can catch a break from work.

To  hyoka

I know you've blocked me now, and i can't send you any messages or replies, but I'm going to leave this here in the chance that you'd see it.

Alright. It's okay. I just want to let it go. I did go on for a while explaining myself and apologizing, I guess you didn't get those then. I tried to send you a PM here, but you had me blocked, and for all I know you won't see this either, but it's worth the trying.

I never meant to cause you any grief, and I'll apologize till i can't type it anymore. I misinterpreted your emoticon, and that was my fault I admit and own that. I made a bad move while I was in an emotional fit.

I don't want this to blow up into any drama. You've never done me wrong so I'm sorry.

Whether you want to be back in contact or just move on with each of our respective lives, it's your decision.

I wasn't going to post about this. I was just going to let it go, like I always do, but this has genuinely gotten to me and I don't understand it.

I sent a mass message about a skype cleanup, because my list is full of people I don't talk to anymore. One in particular sent me a very passive, 'whatever dude' emoticon. I immediately took that as a sign they didn't care, and being honest my previous chats with them weren't that positive, so really I figured they wouldn't care if I removed them.

Suddenly everything blew up in my face, I guess they didn't take it well, and told me I was a jerk for removing them. I can see their side, I guess, I removed them after an emoticon that I apparently misread. From their side, i can see that being a little douchey.

My issue is that rather than having even an ounce of patience they immediately called me out for being a jerk while i was away cooking and I spent about a half hour apologizing profusely and explaining my situation. They didn't care, they told me I was a jerk and that I "don't get to choose what I am".

The bottom line is the only contact I've EVER had with this person is a half a yiff RP that fell flat and that wasn't exactly a positive experience either.

I don't get it. At all. Am I the bad guy here? I mean for christ sakes they came and left a shout telling me to go to hell and called me a jerk again and blocked me on FA....

I could be mad, but in all honesty I'm just confused. I never did anything, I don't think. I've literally never, ever, ever been called a jerk; in real life or online or anything. I make it my life's goal to be the opposite of that, but they just wouldn't listen to me.

What the hell? I break my back 5 nights a week in a clothing plant, come home looking for a little positivity, and to make a change to reduce some sources of my recent increasing depression and I get this?

I just don't understand it.

That I enjoy drawing with real pencil and ink over using my tablet.

In most cases anyways. Digital might get a better looking product sometimes, but actually drawing by hand is more enjoyable and I can more quickly produce quality.

Still don't know where I stand on coloring, but I found my scanner so I want to start experimenting again.

I'm definitely open to suggestion and critique on the difference if you've seen one in my art.

I haven't updated in a while, so I'll try to cover what i can here.

We moved into our own apartment, 5 years in the process.

Still working and making an okay living, enough to keep things up here. I applied for a job within the same company I already work for to make twice as much and use my degree.

Celebrated taxes (in addition to moving) with an EE Double-ended silver. 17 inches long. I like it but I can't take it all... yet... ;3

Gonna close commissions and work on just enjoying my art again, requests probably once I get settled in here and have a decent workspace.

I guess that's all. We'll have net on saturday and go from there. I'll be eager to talk to everyone again then.

In the meantime take care of yourselves and be good(ish) ;3

I can't tell everyone how excited I am to see him take interest in it once more, it's been a long time and I was starting to get worried that he might not even find the motivation to.

Please go check him out, he does great work!!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6438913/

Pardon me while I try to keep my life from falling apart at the seams. I'll do what I can in the meantime.

So, I don't know if this is a good idea, but I don't think it's a bad idea... My next paycheck is going to be more than my tax return will be because of working on a holiday and covering black friday/cyber monday shipments. I think it may be time to try to move into our own place. I know it won't be easy, and any one of the dozens of things I need to go right to accomplish it can go wrong and dash things, but I feel like it's the perfect... well maybe really just the best time to try this. I've heard about a couple places and I'll be looking and phoning around soon.

Trying to make a move like this during peak season at work will be rough, and I know it, and really nothing is certain, I don't know if I'll be out of Alabama six months from now or be here another two years, but either way it's time to do this. All of the little things that have come up here have piled up into a big mess that I constantly have to work around, and getting out into our own place might be exactly what we need.

Wish me luck I guess. A lot of things have to go right for this to even happen. I probably won't get to be around online much, plus the time it will take to get net and get set at a new place.

So, I don't know if this is a good idea, but I don't think it's a bad idea... My next paycheck is going to be more than my tax return will be because of working on a holiday and covering black friday/cyber monday shipments. I think it may be time to try to move into our own place. I know it won't be easy, and any one of the dozens of things I need to go right to accomplish it can go wrong and dash things, but I feel like it's the perfect... well maybe really just the best time to try this. I've heard about a couple places and I'll be looking and phoning around soon.

Trying to make a move like this during peak season at work will be rough, and I know it, and really nothing is certain, I don't know if I'll be out of Alabama six months from now or be here another two years, but either way it's time to do this. All of the little things that have come up here have piled up into a big mess that I constantly have to work around, and getting out into our own place might be exactly what we need.

Wish me luck I guess. A lot of things have to go right for this to even happen. I probably won't get to be around online much, plus the time it will take to get net and get set at a new place.

Just letting everyone know I'm leaving this morning to go see my family in Ohio. I'll have my computer with me, but I'll likely be spending the most of the days I'm there with everyone I want to see. I'll be back Sunday evening and I'll be back to normal then, take care of your selves while I'm gone.

Kiss kiss

=3

Been thinking about it lately. Probably too much, but it's starting to bother me. I mean, is it to out-there to be memorable or is it too difficult to spell? It would be a hellacious undertaking to make another new account when I already have two that are defunct and taking up space for no reason.

Just putting it out there to see if anyone has any thoughts.

Also, wish us luck cos we have to dissappear today, and if it doesn't look like we don't exist we probably won't have a place to live at anymore. So yeah... there's that twice-yearly gum in the works.

Anyways, if everything goes okay I'll be around tonight like normal.

got it from butchthefurry.tumblr.com

1. Any scars?
2. Self harmed?
3. Crush?
4. Kissed anyone?
5. Coke or Pepsi?
6. Someone you hate?
7. Best Friends?
8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs?
9. What's your dream job?
10. Ever been in love?
11. Last time you cried?
12. Favorite color?
13. Height?
14. Birthday?
15. Eye color?
16. Hair color?
17. What do you love?
18. Obsession?
19. If you had one wish, what would it be?
20. Do you love someone?
21. Kiss or hug?
22. Nicknames people call you?
23. Favorite song?
24. Favorite band?
25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?
26. Best thing that has ever happened to you?
27. Something you would change about yourself?
28. Ever dated someone?
29. Worst mistake?
30. Watch the movie or read the book?
31. Ever had a heartbreak?
32. Favorite show?
33. Best day of your life?
34. Any talents?
35. Do you wish you could ever start over?
36. Any bad habits?
37. Ever had a near death experience?
38. Someone I can tell anything to?
39. Ever lost a loved one?
40. Do you believe in love?
41. Someone you hate/Dislike?
42. Are you okay?
43. Relationship status?

Also I do have a tumblr that I'm more of a watcher on than an super active poster, but it's there! tayjaggy.tumblr.com

I want to keep up with people, do something a little fun. So ask me anything, please, and I'll answer. Anything.

Admittedly I haven't given this a whole lot of thought. I just can't get myself to finish anything. It's like I have the idea, and I'm excited, then i get down to work on it and it fizzles. I have so many half-finished projects on my computer now that I spent hours yesterday just seeing how much of it was worth keeping, or that I even remembered. I constantly tell myself that I'll do things, I constantly tell everyone that I'll so things; then I don't.

I could spit out all the excuses in the world, but the reality is that I think art has become a smaller part of my life. I sort of hate that, and I hate admitting it. The fact is though that I can't escape it. Work, my sleep always being messed up, having to learn a whole new difficult program to even do anything, it being gaming season, I dunno I don't want to go on about it.

I'll keep trying to do the things I owe, but I'm just not certain about it anymore. It's not that I don't want to; it's that I can't get myself to.

Or maybe it's just an art block for the moment. That would be better.

Anyways, hope everyone's okay and I wish you all the best.

Hey y'all. Just wanted to drop a little note to anyone that reads 'em. Working so much sucks; I miss everyone, I miss talking to people, playing around on messengers, I miss drawing and writing and all that kind of stuff. It's not going to slow down any time soon as far as I can tell and I'm miserable a lot of days without all this. It's just eat-work-eat-sleep-eat-work-sleep, and so on.

Kitty misses everyone and I hope you're all doing okay. I want to say I'll draw soon but the next two weeks are likely to be pretty busy in addition to work, so I can't see myself really getting a chance to get anything done at all.

Just take care and drop me a message on here or something if you want to catch up.

<3

So the last month or so has been a rollercoaster ride of good and bad, and I'm starting to recover from the bad now. Destiny's about to come up, and I have a fully functional upgraded, epic PC Skyrim, with a side of furry pervertery. I feel like drawing again, and....

I'm finally learning Blender in earnest so I can get back to modeling and animating.

But, I made this journal to get the last of some stuff off my chest, so here goes:

There are times, in days or weeks, that I'm just not happy. At all. I think about where I am right now and what I'm doing with my life and it all crushes over me like a wave in a storm. I'm 24 years old, I spent 17 of those years busting my ass to do well in school, and I did well. So it leaves me wondering why I'm in Alabama, a place I told myself I'd never be just a few years ago, working in a warehouse, a job I told myself I'd never do.

It's nothing against the people I'm acquainted with, it's just the work and the place.  maceblack and  stryfekhaos have been nothing but good to me. This has been a better place for me than the last few I lived in, and it's not that I feel I'm better than anyone else; it's good pay and a fair job, but I should be doing better than this. I can't move out of this place I have to pretend I don't live in a few times a year, I don't make enough money and due to some issues earlier in the year, my mate keeps getting his applications refused. I've been having trouble getting motivated to do anything but try to just relax and enjoy the brief days I get off of work. I'm only supposed to work 3 days a week. I took that shift so I could make extra money drawing and get my 3D modeling up to snuff, but since coming onto that shift in february, I've been working 4 to 6 days a week and it runs me ragged and leaves me scrambling to find a little happiness.

... but you know what? My misery is my own fault. I can do something, do better.

My dad will be visiting in a couple weeks, and my goal is to have something modeled in 3D to show him I'm not a disappointment anymore. I've waited long enough, and it's not been too long yet. I can do this, I just need to keep going.

Thanks to everyone that's kept me going. I can't lie.. I may need more of that support. There are going to be more lows, more breakdowns, more self-hating fits, but I want to try to move forward, even if it's while staying put. It's just time.

So as it turns out, SAI is not compatible with Windows 8 in any way without tweaking.

Does anyone know either a workaround for Windows 8 or another program like it?

I need pressure sensitivity, and a decent suite of tools, layers, transparency, all that.

I've tried fire alpaca and autodesk sketchbook copic edition so far, and both have maaaajor drawbacks that prevent them from being realistically useable for me

Okay, so I managed to get the computer, then had to work a 60 hour week. I've done some installing, some tweaking, but since I only had today off and go back for another overtime week starting tommorrow, I really wanted to find out how to draw on this thing.

My issue is this: I have a monoprice tablet, Windows 8, and Sai 1.1.0

I installed my tablet driver, restarted, then when it came back on and I put the tablet in, it did a plug and play setup.

Here's where I run into the issue: the trackpad on the laptop turns off when I put the tablet in, and when i open Sai, I can't use my tablet on the Sai program window... at all.

This is really ruining this whole half of the month, so anyone who can help me figure this out gets a free commish when it's up and running!

So  kogie is all set and done. All he has to do is behave himself for a year, if we're even staying in Alabama that long. I still have to worry about affording a computer, either a 900$ model that will do well enough, and a 1400$ one that would be perfect. Probably going to end up with the cheaper one cos i just can't afford the pricier one on my budget, even with financing.

So that's our life right now, hope everyone else is well.

This is going to probably look pathetic, but I'm getting to the point where I have to let go of some pride, I realize.

As I showed a little while ago, my laptop was unuseable. It was pretty much having it's death slowly dragged out for the last year, and the screen getting broke was just the final nail in it's coffin. I couldn't even stream anymore before that happened, let alone now.

I ran some numbers, and I can't afford to move us out of  maceblack 's place either on my pay.

Plus what's up with  kogie , I have to admit that things are looking a little dismal at the moment. Work will ramp up a little, then go back down after a month and back to normal hours around mid-July, but with the way things are I just feel overwhelmed in regard to my responsibilities.

I won't be able to get the dream-machine that I wanted obviously, but settling for a cheaper option will mean I can get back to drawing in earnest for about 500 US$

I realize this will get blown off by most, but anyone that can help me save for a new laptop to work on, I would greatly appreciate. It's not going to happen till at least the end of the month, but I thought I may as well try asking around just to see if anyone could or would help me out here.

I can work out deals for art and all that, but really I just need this one thing to keep going. Thanks to anyone that stops by, if not I'll just see about taking out a small loan or something. Wish everyone the best.