I mean, my main profiling here is a writer, yet I havent written much of anything for a good while... I should probably get onto that

I might post art, if I ever improve that is... Ive still got a buncha anatomy issues to fix that im not to comfortable with so I cant get a decent drawing out before erasing the entire thing

Ill probably get into the writing groove soon, put some stuff up that may or may not be atrociously horrible after having just picked up a pen in months (figuratively speaking to my writing sense, I have been doing classwork contrary to popular belief)

We had several boxes of potato pancakes so im like sure lets make some

I decided to create one as big as the pan.

Ive been banned from cooking in the kitchen.

The topics for our essays were literally right up my alleyway, so I dominated the argumentative. So im in a good mood about my exams for once

Well, at least, last time I checked... I know ive been REALLY REALLY inactive here, but ive been really busy with School and such. Were going into Finals this and next week, and honestly im not all that excited about having to write 3 essays in 45 minutes with the expectation of scoring a 4 or higher...

Anyway, that aside, ive been trying to improve my artistic abilities, and with the help of a couple friends, im actually coming along kinda well! Ive still got lots of anatomy issues, and of course my ability to create things from different angles is severely limited, but im actually pretty proud of how far along im coming.

Schools been... Questionable at best. I dont know, ive just been really out of it this year. Im honestly about to give up and just hope for the year to end quicker, but I dont want my grades to slip anymore than they already have... Physics is rough, im having a hard time learning the content (doesnt help that the teacher is an absolute jerk, he literally grades based on how he is feeling at that particular moment so his pissy mood gets the class horrid grades sometimes) but im really surprised that Calculus is coming along quite nicely. Its my highest core class average right now, and ive been the "Student of the Week" quite a few times (Score an A on the test for that week). The teacher, Dr. Freckmann, is pretty cool too. He pretty much lets us do whatever we want as long as we can keep our grades up and as much as I hate to admit it, I usually spend the whole week trying to catch up on sleep in that class.

My least favorite class is my US History class. The teacher is.... Theres no way to describe it without being extremely rude so ill just say that he pisses me off in more ways than one. This entire year he keeps saying "Earn that .1 Earn that .1" (Advanced Placement classes are scaled by 1.1, increasing our average by 10% which is great) and thats starting to get to me. He keeps yelling at us to study for the AP Exam next week, making us go through 20 chapters of a book by Wednesday of Next week, giving us reviews daily (the most was 15 pages that was to be turned in for a grade) and completely disregarding the fact that we have other classes. Every day he constantly talks about our workload as if hes the only class we have, which in turn, is increasing my stress levels beyond what they should be for this point in the school year, so its driving me up a wall so to say.

Band is being an issue for me as well. I dont want to do marching season, but I cant play Concert season unless I do. I hate doing marching season because of the fact that they want me to be on drum line or pit because I cant march with an oboe which I understand, I get that part, it screws up my embouchure and stuff like that and makes it harder on me in concert season. I just hate getting yelled at for not knowing how to play an instrument I was literally handed perhaps a month or two ago.

Ahh TL:DR version is essentially this

School is stressing me out, Band is stressing me out, Exams are driving me up a wall, and im improving my drawing skills

yay~

Seriously im so nervous right now I dont know what to do

Im really looking forward to getting this job (I mean, who knows when the next time ill actually get up and do something is going to be) and im scheduled to go in at 2 tomorrow and its killing me. The lady called the first time and I missed it so im pretty sure that may count as a strike against me...

Im also kinda scared because I was talking to my friends that were working there. Apparently they got let off just the other day, which kinda leads me to suspect that im getting a call because they let that department go for some reason...

So after applying for Pizza hut and waiting patiently (Ive been waiting since November) im going to apply at Wal-Mart because, why the hell not

2 people I know work there, and one of the picks my friend up from school everyday (theyre dating and it gives her a ride home since hes heading to work anyway) so I could easily ask and see if I can catch a ride there with him. The only problem ive encountered is the application itself. It states:

"Please enter two (2) complete references of people (no relatives) you have worked with or volunteered for and whom we may contact for a reference if necessary. (e.g. employers, clients, teachers)"

Which kinda puts me in a predicament. The only job experience I have is my reffing work, that didnt really last long enough to get contact information. As for teachers, I doubt they would just randomly hand out their phone numbers so I virtually cant finish this thing until sometime after Monday (I want to get the application in as soon as possible mainly because I need the money due to a cosplay prop commission I got that I need supplies for, but also before they run out of positions).

Hopefully everything runs smoothly, I get an hourly position, and im able to save up a bit so I can start paying for my own things instead of relying on my mother all the time

I feel dumb and gross lately gross because my mind keeps wandering back to him and whatnot and I literally see him everywhere but he doesnt talk to me but swears he likes to but I shouldnt talk about it now

I feel dumb because I keep creating these sort of relationships with people that dont even know me and its kinda like stalking cause I know a lot about him but he barely knows I exist and its all very dumb and ugh

At Pizza hut. Yeah yeah, gross, I know.

My friend works there however, so its my chance to earn my money (Havent gone back in to renew my reffing license cause im too lazy) so I feel like its about damn time I get around to doing so

Hopefully, as rowdy as me and my friend are together, we don manage to burn the place down in 3 weeks

As a total, I can say that I got roughly 3, maybe 5 hours of sleep this week. Im exhausted, im tired, I cant stay awake in my classes to save my life, and my headaches are coming back at the speed of god knows what so I can barely focus on anything.

Ive taken a range of pain meds to treat them but im either used to them to the point of no effect, my bloodline fails to recognize them as medication and simple flushes them out of my system, or i fall asleep and lose all effects of them. Im just so tired of everything for some reason, and whenever I manage to fall asleep its horrible nightmares on demand

Why does it seem that in order to grow up and "mature" in life, you have to give up the creativity you held as a child?

Basically, it was my dads birthday two days ago (yay happy birthday) and we went with our grandparents out to eat. Well, we usually go back to my grandparents house to cut cake and whatnot.

So we head back over there and my moms like "Oh Tyler, you should cut the cake" and I kept asking her if she was sure that was a good idea and everyone was like "yeah, yeah itll be fine"

Course, the reason I dont do that kind of stuff is because I get annoyed easily by little things that nobody really notices (stuff like tables not lined up correctly, halves being uneven, really REALLY trivial stuff) I dunno my brain just says thats wrong over and over until I either leave the room or fix it.

So im taking a little longer than usual to cut said cake because I cant seem to be able to line up the halves correctly because of the way its iced, and everyones telling me to hurry up and then saying stuff like "dont mess up haha" and im getting pissed off so I tell them to shut it and then suddenly they're the offended ones.

So after a while I continue and then they continue so I basically just stood up and said I was done and walked out. All the while they're like "oh its just little jokes and such"

No, its not. Its actually quite hurtful

Basically, on Monday, I was talking to some friends and then suddenly one of them asked me "Are you working on a story? I haven't seen one of yours in quite a while and I was just wondering."

So that started to turn the gears inside my mind (which is amazing, I mean im seriously stressed out because of school yet my mind comes up with this idea that I REALLY like) and I came up with this:

The Idea
The year is somewhere in the the 3000's (3045 is my guess) where a new Virtual reality simulation game show is in effect. Basically a "player" is abducted after being randomly selected and are put, against their will, in a large, virtually created world and forced to play a game (Course, being my obsession, it is zombies :U).

Now, Each player receives a special wristwatch that will give them various amounts of information (will be explained a bit into the journal as im typing this up from my ideas paper) however, it cannot be used until they get their first kill (tutorial level :u). When a player perishes in this world (Whether by starvation, dehydration, getting killed by a zombie (referring to them as zed from here on out cause its shorter), or by another player, they will be put back into the real world, retaining all memories from the game, and gaining prizes based on their overall standings on the leader boards (longer times and more "points" [explained in a bit] will gain bigger rewards). Most survivor groups become very, VERY close friends after all is said and done.


Now, the main character that I will be viewing the story from: Starring the newly created Renard (humanized, maybe, maybe ill actually do it furry? I dunno yet). Renard is walking home from his college classes, and is "chosen". He is knocked out, and placed into the world, lucky enough to be found by a group of survivors (maybe a minimum of 4 with him included [total of 5] or a slightly larger group, though probably not). It becomes apparent in the early stages that Renard is the best fighter they have in the ways of hand-to-hand combat (learned Tai Chi when he was a runt :U). Each player is given a special title that explains their area of expertise.


Wristwatch functions
"The wristwatch, our greatest achievement! Made of a extremely strong titanium alloy, this device will allow our players to thrive in this hostile environment! It cannot be broken, or removed, but it isn't without its uses. It has many useful functions and all sorts of information that should *whispers "should" again* help them live! As for the functions, we will explain them, in order, in this instructional video! So players, look sharp, and remember all this!"
-Instructional video featuring Dr. Drew Hidenburg *only shown in the early stages of the game, but as more and more "vets" hung around inside, they stopped showing it, relying on the vets to show the new players the ropes*

Now, the wristwatch, as stated, is a device that was created to try and maximize players performance. The wristwatch does numerous things, including:

Tells Time- The wristwatch does what any other watch will do -tell time. It lets the wearer know the date and time, as well as how many hours until dusk or dawn (sets according to wearer's preference)
Location- Tells the wearer what precinct they are in at any given moment
Resource- Tells the wearer of when a resource enters the proximity (rivers and loot-able places) and when a resource drop becomes available (periodic "care packages" that include anything from food, to water, to absolutely nothing- randomly dropped in an area)
Kill count- Lets the wearer know how many kills they have and how close they are to the next reward (explained farther on)
Undead- Alerts the wearer if they enter a proximity with a large number of undead (large being defined depending on the place, for example, a city with a total population of roughly 500 zed, with about 10-15 zed in every block, will receive a warning if there is more than 15 zed in the given place) but will not give numbers or locations
Health- Shows the survivors current vital signs, as well as infection rate if any is apparent (infection "status alignment" can be cured via an item)
Help- Allows the wearer to send out a distress signal, which can be viewed by nearby players
New Player arrivals- Gives a warning that a new player is entering the game
Random Wheel- Once a week, every Monday at exactly 12:05 p.m., A giant wheel appears in the sky. It is spun, and a random boon is grated for the week (icon of boon is shown on watch [boons explained later in the journal] for the remainder of the week)


Kill Count
I will now explain Kill count (previously stated in the wristwatch functions)

"As the players move through out the dangerous world to survive, they will face fights with the undead. It is unavoidable. However, these fights do not come without rewards! Each time a player kills an undead, they gain one "point" for their score. After reaching certain tiers based on how many points they have gained, a player will receive his or her reward."
-Dr. Drew Hidenburg *cut from the instructional booklet released to employees*

1 kill- this is gained once the player kills his or her first zed (tutorial level basically :u) Perk Gained: Wristwatch unlocked; Gains title [Started the Game]
5 kills- Gains a ranged weapon of choice (given a very limited choice [pistol, shotgun, sub-machine gun, or rifle]); Gains title [First gun]
10 kills- Receives Repair Kit; Gains Profession Title (players personal area they excel in)
25 kills- Gains a supplies drop (Food, Water, other basic necessities [flashlights, spare clothing-depends on what player is wearing as the clothing is made specifically for them-, chem lights, fire kit)
50 kills- Gains a Ammo drop (quantity and magazines depend on gun they have)
75 kills- Gains melee weapon of choice (player receives an advanced selection of weaponry [basically if they can think of it as a melee weapon, its there])
100 kills- Gains Title [Hardened] (Lame tier :I)
150+ kills- Every 50-75 zed kills from this point rolls a "dice" that will give the survivor ammo, food and/or water supplies, or absolutely nothing (food and/or water roll has a sub-roll in between [will roll the first time, and then a second to see if they get food, water, or both] and rolls can be saved up [each saved roll increases chances of getting a better outcome])


Boons (Bonuses) will be explained at a later time because of 2 reasons:
1. I am still working on them. I have the basic ideas, and 4 written out (there will be roughly 14-16 different boons [4 positive boons, 4 negative boons, 4 neutral boons, and either 2, or 4 global affecting boons] that will have a variety of bonuses to grant) while the others are under consideration.

2. Its a very, VERY long section that has a bunch of illegible writing on it that I cant make out for the life of me :u


So yeah, that's the basic gist of it all. Let me know what you guys think

And for the most part, I haven't really hated what Ive drawn. Ive actually liked most of it.

I made a new OC who will probably replace my old one (Rand if you guys remember him)

His name is Renard Naves, he is a Sloth :U (Cause you know, Sloths are cool and all)

Ill probably post the reference pic I drew of him, but probably not

Long story short, I've had the most head splitting migraine in my entire life and I haven't been able to get a wink of sleep for the past 48 hours.

I've got school in the morning, I don't know what I'll do if I can't get any rest tonight.

What would have been a 2 year anniversary is now a painful thing to remember

I don't want to remember

Marching band has been the biggest pain in my ass all year, and the years barely started (For marching band its been almost 4 months so I guess it has)

This is the first year were using props in our marching show. We have 3 in the back row, each 6 feet tall, 3 in the middle, each 4 feet tall, and then 3 in the front, each one being 2 feet tall. Its really complicated and so far its taken us anywhere between 3-5 minutes to set them up (We have 5 minutes to set up and 2 minutes to get off the field)

Well, the other day during summer band (maybe Friday or Thursday), Parents were helping us take the props down before we headed home. Well, I told the guy that was helping me (one of the adults) "We need to pick it up, and then place it on the wheels carefully so as not to bend them" (the wheels are like, 4 or 5 inches in diameter and should not be used to hold these things up and the chances of them breaking are very high given the weight distribution and of course, the overall weight on the wheels themselves AND how close to the outside of the platform they are - literally only about an inch or three off) and of course, we pick it up, but he immediately tries to throw his side down as the top is a bit top-heavy (trying to make it more sturdier involved making the top part of the platform heavier so the dangers of it breaking when the rifles stand up there and toss their stuff is lower).

Well, in the process of this, his side drops, and my side comes down, but im trying to hold it up and it ends up slamming onto my left knee (for those of you that dont know, my right knee gives me problems most of the time when I run for a while or do physical activity of any sorts for a while) and so now both of my knees are hurting pretty bad.

Of course, I have to march this 8 minute show and with not one, but two knees hurting, its not going to be very fun.

Another thing is that my headaches are back (woo) and they don't seem to be giving me any sort of leeway whatsoever (ever since I got kicked in the head by a horse back when I was little, Ive had headaches nearly all the time and at worse, migraines that don't seem to be letting up at all) so it becomes quite difficult to concentrate.

This year is the most stressful thing im going to sit through, mainly because of the high expectation classes I have but also because this is the most important year for college and stuff like that.

I'm ranked 67 out of a class of about 280 and that's not nearly good enough for my liking or what I feel I need in order to achieve my goals. I really feel the need to step it up this year, and I highly doubt I can move 40 placements in order to achieve me goal of top 10% (Roughly about 25 or 27 places I was told)

Ive got to suffer through Physics, Pre-Calculus, US History, and then English 3, all Advanced placement in an attempt to get my overall high school point average up (our end of the year total average for a class is multiplied by 1.1 for taking AP or Pre-AP classes) and my 4 point GPA is somewhere around 3.393 and im not even close to being comfortable with that.

All in all, this year is going to be highly stressful and I doubt Ill be able to survive

Yay (Not really, im hella tired and I feel like shit right now)

Oh, and its my birthday too, so I guess this is my birthday gift :U

It was fun to say the least, I got some pictures and stuff but that was about it.

I got a button commission of an OC of mine, and a Full color to go with him (I might post it later, his name is Renard), and I bought a Dangan Ronpa crossing picture (its so cool) and another as well. Other than that, I walked around with friends and I went to the Masquerade ball (I might post details, I dont really know if I want to talk about it to be honest) and the Rave (So loud the chandeliers were shaking).

It was great to see some old faces and meet some new ones, but at the same time to see the amazing work people put into their cosplays (I didnt get many pictures because I forgot my camera -_-)

I might post more later (Pictures for sure when I get around to them) so keep an eye out if you're interested

Its been going well so far, ive been having some fun I guess...

Just got back from the rave though, it was really loud (so loud, the chandeliers were shaking) and I cant really hear that well anymore >:U

Things have gone well, I got a button comission and two pictures and I want to get a drawn comission but it all depends on if the person is there tomorrow (or later today) or not

I might post another update tomorrow (the wifi isnt exactly free in our hotel room)

So im making a DSR-50 from COD BO2 because im doing a Marlton Cosplay with my sister (shes being Misty) from the zombies series. Well, this is the first time that ive decided to work with foam sheets (children's play mats is more precise but I dont know what the exact name is, its close to EVA foam) and I have to say it is working out quite better than I expected.

I will post pictures from the convention (2 days, this Friday, I cannot sleep because im too excited about it) so stay tuned

When I was a little kid, I believed I could do anything. If I could think of it, I could be it, and I took that for granted.

Now?

I wish I still thought like that. Now days, I think about "Can I do that?" or rather "I cant do that." For some reason, im really thinking about it. When I was little, I would do things, but now, I dont because of what might happen. Im so afraid of failing, that I dont even consider the possibility of achievement.

Id rather sit back and not draw because I dont like the way it looks, rather than actually draw and get better at it. I notice countless artists who cant draw that well. The difference between them and me is that they actually believe their art is worthwhile. And I kinda wish I had the ability to do that.

Back when I started writing, I just kept going, and going, and going. Tossing out poems and stories whenever I could, writing in my spare time, throwing words onto paper and admiring my work and then sharing it for others to enjoy. And you know what? People did enjoy them, so I wrote more and more. But now, Ive gone back through what ive posted and wondered WHY people enjoyed them so much? I had little to no writing experience, and if I wrote one of those up today, I would delete it before trying to improve it, or better yet just give up on it.

I want to be a kid again, you know? I want that creativity I had, I want that ability to imagine anything thats possible or not. I want that ability again. To just, create the world, change it, imagine different things rather than the same old stuff.

I want the ability to be able to look at what I have and think about how much I improved rather than how much it sucks.

I dont even know what the whole point of this journal was anyway, I wrote it over the course of 3 hours and I kinda just rambled. Eh, might as well post something to show that I still breath

Well, tomorrow is August... Which means Summer Band starts next week, San Japan 2 weeks in, and then School 3 weeks in... To be quite honest, im scared. Im a Junior this year, its the most important one because of that. My grades are the breaking point between college decisions, and my class ranking is going to be my overall standing of college choices in this country. Just thinking about all of that... Its quite frightening for me. Im still unsure of what I want to be stuck with for the rest of my life... And the list of majors doesnt really help me any as I still dont know which one would be better in the long run, or more matching of my abilities. I broadened my list of colleges im interested in (Thank god for that) but I still doubt its enough.

All the pressure of this is really getting to me I guess. I want help, but at the same time I feel I need to do this on my own.

On a side note, I was recently cleaning out my room and I found an old Yearbook from my elementary days. I cant even understand what the hell happened to some of my classmates.

So my Friends got me watching Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titan) and now they want me to make a (one wants to see me make a functional) 3D Maneuver gear. I mean, I could probably make a replica and everything, it doesnt look that hard and it would be a really fun project so I might actually attempt it

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:.....VMVrfMvBqyR2Ig

Nobodies really here anymore...

All those people I used to talk to have seemingly disappeared from the world, leaving behind no traces of where they went. Its kinda sad when you think about it really... Its like that group of friends that you always hung around, and you started to think things would go on like that forever... And then one day, everyone just starts growing up, spreading out and reaching others, making new friends, companions, even finding that one person they feel as if they've been searching their whole lives for, leaving you with that vivid image of what times used to be like...

The world truly is a wondrous place

I'm fine. Always fine. Just perfectly fine. Then he pops back into my mind. Then he reminds me that were not together, that I wasn't good enough, and im no longer fine. I'm broken. I'm crying. I feel inches away from dying.

How do you get over something as bad as a broken heart? How do you stop loving someone whom you cannot? How can you simply just put them aside, go from lovers to friends, and be expected to smile and laugh like you used to?

Dont tell me that Ill be fine, that ill find someone else, because I wont. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I think about it, all I can think about is that theres nobody else for me but you. I cant just forget how you made me feel, how you were the one to make me smile when nobody else could. How you could stop the tears with just a wipe from the back of your hand. How you could calm me down whenever I got angry, whispering in my ear until I stopped shaking.

You cant just tell a guy, someone whos been broken and defeated for as long as anyone could remember, that you would always be there for him, and that you would never leave his side, and that someday you would marry him. You cant just tell someone that and then expect them to be alright when your gone. It just doesnt work, especially if they believed you to the point of becoming too attached.

I was the fool to be blamed, the one who fell head over heels into love, blindly, not knowing the mess I was creating. I was naive enough into believing that, even though we knew barely anything about each other when you asked me out, that we could build off of it and become happy. I was stupid enough to trust that you wouldnt break up with me. I thought that you, in tears over the fact that you were so afraid I would leave you, was enough to convince me that you would never leave me.

A broken heart and a broken mind, nothing can ease the pain...Nothing...