Sometimes I just feel Lost, there are times where I honestly wish I could just walk away from my life and try and start something new. So many times I have just thought about getting in my car and driving away and not looking back. But I figure if I did that things would just end up the same for me where ever I go so really no point. Right now its just going through the motions of life and I think thats how its going to be for me for a long time.

I haven't been sleeping well lately, Recently I have had some staggering heart break, I've been thinking a lot a bout it. It mostly seems to consume my thoughts and sometimes things like this help just getting the thoughts out there. But this has been particularly bad. I have had a series of really bad relationships prior and had finally thought I had met the right person some one that was amazing and everything I could hope for someone who made me fine with the idea of a long distance relationship and actually moving away and starting something new if needed. And in all my reflecting I realized due to my parents coming into town that this person is not only someone I wanted my parents to meet and those who know me best and understand my situation with my parents know just how big a deal that feeling is for me. I had always felt that this person was out of my league. and I guess I was right....all hope and desire has been crushed. Story of my life really. Turns out there was someone else and things were not actually as good for me as I had hoped. Now I no longer know what to do I feel completely lost I feel that I gave the last of what I have to give, I really have no hope left I've tried for so long and failed at every turn I now find myself faced with how to cope with the current situation and how to move forward alone. as I honestly feel that's how things are going to be for me.
I have never felt so broken and hurt before even from the ending of the few good relationships I have had. I gave all I had left... I am sure I will find a way to numb the pain but I think it will linger for a long time. The road a head is a long one

Just saw my Father for one of the last times in probably quite awhile and it has hit me much harder then I thought. He moves down to St. George this week. It's been nice seeing him every week and spending that time with him. Now it will be big gaps between the time I see him. Hopefully in October. Its strange having less and less family around.

My Vacation/ Anime Banzai was a blast and I had tons of fun! I wish it could have been longer as that was a much needed and diserved vacation. Things with guests got rough a few months before the con and got worse causing me to go dark on many of my online doings but I assure eeryone that I am fine and will be back bouncing around the online universe soon.

Things have been quite a mess for me emotionally for the past few months. I did not and do not always handle my Mothers illness well, I have noticed some imbalances things that would normally be something I would brush off have made me very angry and upset lucky for me I have pretty good self control. I'm hoping that once everything is over and returns to normal so will I. I have some wonderful friends who have been there for me through this even if its someone I need to vent to and that has meant more to me then they will ever know.
Surprisingly my boss at work has been great moral support. I have also had some very caring people come into my life that make me very happy and have helped balance things. I'm doing ok over all but sometime still feel like an utter mess, but with all that I have amazing friends who hold the guard for me.

I really want to write something but its like every time I get an idea and start I quickly get stuck. And it is beginning to get annoying and frustrating.

Sometimes just some times you just need someone to listen even if what you have to say is the same old shit time and again. I hate when I'm told that someone is there for me but when i have something to say they seem disinterested

Have I ever mentioned that I hate people?
Random person "oh my god are you wearing leather"
me "yes, lots"
random person "I bet you eat meat too"
me "mmmmm steak"
random person "how would you like it if someone skinned you, or took a bite out of you?"
me "cannibalism or angry wolves"
random person "doesn't cannibalism disgust you?"
me "nope"
Random person "you disgust me!"
me "Do you find Christianity and the words from the bible inspiring?"
random person "yes!"
me "You disgust me"
at this point the random person very up set turns and marches away
me "HEY ABOUT THAT HUMAN SKIN COAT WE TALKED ABOUT!?!?"
random person moves away faster.
ok people how about you just leave us freaks alone we like it better that way
(freaks as in spooky people like me)

So this working six days a week is really beginning to drag on me, I think I need to take some time off again soon. It comes in waves times where I'm ok with six days a week and times where it is just way too much work.
I need to take time off mainly to rest up and catch up on some sleep, then the trick is to keep up on sleep once I have caught up on it. Been a little depressed lately....
On a good side of things I now own the latest three Abney Park albums and I must say I thought "lost Horizons" had good stuff on it but stuff from "Æther Shanties" and "The End of Days" really quite blew me away. I seriously must make it a goal to see them live.

Ok so an update on some stuff, SO my ex and I have been talking... well sort of I have been the one who always starts the conversations who calls who texts, he never dose and I thought we were making some ground so I decided to put it to the test I have not talked to him sense Sunday and well he has made zero effort to contact me, I really don't understand that and this isn't the first time I have either A) dated someone or B) been interested in someone who thinks it is my sole responsibility to call or start conversations and like stated before I just don't understand that so anyone with insight please enlighten me.
I could seriously go for a nice strong drink, a Martini would do. Vodka martini shaken not stirred
I think I will put other updates in a different journal due to the nature of this one

Ok so I recently discovered that my Ex still has feelings for me and that all he was doing at the club was to let me know he still liked me. Now I found this out by talking to a mutual friend who sent him an e mail asking him what was going on and thus the discovery was made. Now with this info I was a bit more confused because there were some pretty harsh things said at one point. But I decided to give in to my curiosity and so I sent him an email and we talked some, The things said that were harsh were said out of pain and such so that can be over looked but we are now talking and have decided to first be friends and take things slowly to see where they end up. This is all sorts of new for me as usually an ex is an ex end of story, and on top of that he broke it off with me and he made the contact to re establish contact its very dizzying. What I do find odd is when I was told that ignoring him at the club was more painful then the break up

So many of you know or have an Idea of what I do for a living and know that my work gives me plenty of time to think, sometimes way to much time to think. Anyhow I have had this story idea rolling around in my head now for a few days and may actually start posting it. Also I have been asked to write a superhero story for a convention happening next year I have two ideas on characters for the hero but am pretty sure I know what one will be the easiest for me to do in a short story format, as for the idea I may be scraping that may too become a story I post on here but time will tell that really depends on how far I feel I can go with it and be satisfied.

Now another point why is it that people seem compelled to ruin movies for me? I mean seriously give me a chance to see the damn movie I work a lot it takes me more time to get to a theater then most and it also takes me longer to buy a movie cause well it just dose. Now where this comes from is this. Tuesday a new DCU movie came out the Batman Superman Apocolypse as well as Iron Man 2, I was only getting one so I chose Iron Man 2 on blu ray do to the amazing sell price plus that movie is full of awesome and such. So today I get a text asking if I had seen the new DCU movie yet to which I reply no. Now what dose this person procede to do? They tell me stuff that they changed from the comic as well as stuff about the end!! Seriously angry sounds flooded my mind at that point! Sense when is no I have not seen it an invitation to spoil shit for me? Especially when the damn thing has only been out for two god damn days! I was not aware that I had to immediately buy it and watch it within a time period. This is even more frustrating to me with how much I love comics I want to see it I read most the story it comes from it was well writen now my motivation is shot down! I have three DCU movies to buy they have been coming out fast and I want them on blu ray so it takes me longer to buy them. Give me a chance to see stuff people! when I have not seen a movie you know I will see I don't wanna discuss it period.
I am full of frustration over this! When I see movies or read comcis and ask my friends about them if they have not yet read or seen the thing I tell them let me know when you have I wanna talk about it so I ruin nothing cause it fucking sucks.
Rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant ant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant ant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant ant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant ant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant ant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant

So this song pretty much sums up how I have been feeling the past few weeks, but I have been feeling better


I am much to weak
I'm about to lose my mind
My thoughts are blurred
Can't believe I'd been so blind
I could find a way out
Could I only think straight
But I'm much too confused
And it's anyway too late

I'm too dizzy to think
I'm everything but fine
I'm sick and confused
Got no peace of mind
I've tried my best
But you're nothing more to see
I'm not in control
I hate to feel this way
Drifting away

Feel like I'm falling, drifting away
Spinning, floating further away

I am much too weak
I'm about to lose my mind
My thoughts are blurred
Can't believe I'd been so blind
I could find a way out
Could I only think straight
But I'm much too confused
That it's anyway too late

I feel like I'm falling, drifting away
Spinning, floating further away
I feel like I'm falling, drifting away
Spinning, floating further away

Well lets see, First off I didn't sleep well at all my neighbors decided that the parking lot and the walkways out side the apartments was the best place in to have a big drama filled night with lots of arguing. I got woken up at minimum 3 times over this I don't know at what times but they were still going at it when I left to work around 3:30 A.M. what a bunch of morons and they had been quit for so long...

Work was pretty average.

Went to Oktoberfest around noon good times had a few beers,had a ballon hat made that was a balloon mohawk insisted upon by by friend so that along with my fuzzy purple leopard print shirt had lots of looks coming my way but hey beer! It was good times.

Later that night I went to Area 51 with some friends being the end of the month made it fetish night so thats always rockin'. So in the downstairs area by the lower dance floor they had a collar vendor I checked out a few collars that were there and found one I really liked but wanted to wait to see how drinking and such went before I bought one.
Now Area is where my Ex hangs out all the time and I mean All the god damn time, I can't go with out having to see him and usually thats all I have to do is see him but tonight was different. I was sitting in the upstairs bar with friends I don't get to see much.(Cowboy and Big Dave) let alone share a drink with them, Now my ex had waled by a few times and had apparently taken notice of me which is fine what ever its the way it is at the club.
it's what he dose next that I just don't understand... He walks by me runs his had slowly down the small of my back as he passes by (still in fuzzy purple leopard print) slows down and pauses at the door looking right at me letting me know it was him who did it. I have no clue what thats all about it's terribly confusing to me.
Now I ended not drinking much at the club mainly due to drinking earlier that day and the complete lack of sleep I was going with. SO I went back downstairs to buy the collar I had looked at earlier and one of the sellers got kinda flirty and yes just kinda. He saw the tattoo on my neck and asked if I was at the anime banzai last year as a state alchemist I told him that I was and he told me how he had taken photos of me and that I had the best of the state alchemist costumes and better looking and more fit then the others.
He asked if I was wearing the same costume this year and I told him I was bringing that one and my new kingdom hearts one. I asked if he would be there this year, but he wasn't sure with it having a change of venue.

As our evening of parting at the club drew to an end we decided to go to Denny's and get some nom noms you know help kill the booze. we get there and it is understandably crowded, now on our way we picked up some "friends" so our group was at 10 we got on the waiting list and well waited a long ass time after like the first 15-20 min we lost 3 people bringing us to 7 now we updated our count with the list and continued to wait as parties of 14 who came after us got seated. and about 45 minutes into our wait 3 more people left now we were 4 and still fucking waiting. It took an hour+ for us to get seated and after we ordered a good 30 MIn for our food which was mostly appetizers you know what you should get quickly and before a meal? good god what awful service. What a day seriously.