I tried to make the suggestions work, I really did, but none of them clicked for me. Eventually though I hit on an idea. Someone who is traveling through the woods with three path, with each path choosing their TF.

The story is unique, I usually focus on just the one tf. I am hoping you all will read it. The link is here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/61428461/

If you do read, please vote in the poll at the end.

I want to write but my brain isn't working of late. I just can't seem to focus. So I am taking requests. Give me a species and a basic concept outline. I'm not promising I'll accept, but I'll at least listen.

So I was informed yesterday that I went too far of of the standard with my teaching. That I was giving too much information. What was I doing? Giving some context to Shakespeare's Sonnet 29.

I was told, literally told, the text is irrelevant. That getting the kids to read or think doesn't matter. All that matters is mastering the benchmark. Which apparently will be easier if the kids don't know why they're reading something, or why it was written.

I pointed out by that logic, we should remove the names of authors since they don't help with mastery. I was told to just to teach English and not history.

English doesn't happen in a vacuum though, it requires knowledge of the world it came from to understand it. The people who wrote in the past didn't think the same way we do.

Why even call me an English teacher? Just call me a Benchmark teacher. I'll teach the benchmarks, no one will think and test scores won't change because the kids don't care.

Trying to learn English without content is like learning swimming on dry land. In theory it can be done. In practice, it's a lot of movement without going anywhere.

So I caught strep throat. And not only that but it hit me so hard I'm currently struggling to sit up. Thankfully while also being sick, I was called and informed I was fired. Why? They accused me of doing things I literally didn't. I asked to appeal and was told that the complaints are accepted 100% at face value with no appeal possible.

So now I'm sick and unemployed, good times. I'm right now lonely and tired. If anyone wants to talk, please just message.

So my husband  rimme is going to raffle a free tf image, or two image sequence, once he hits 800 watchers. Just watch him and tell him what you want.

Info is here : https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10963857/

So I was updated on the status of a furry I knew today. Said furry is up to their eyeballs in debt, about to be evicted and needing money again because they can't find work. I've spoken to them and they can't find work that pays good enough that they want to do. And I'm sorry to say this, sometimes you have to do things you hate.

I should mention this person is a walking conservative warning about liberalism to the point that I, an anarchist, gets annoyed and wants to say "Get a job!". This person is a financial disaster, basically eating money and wasting it on things. They are trans and they've spent money on their transition instead of their rent.

One lesson lots of children's books and movies insist on is that you should follow your dreams, do what you're passionate about, be your true self. And frankly, that's bullshit. It's better to say "Learn to prioritize and accept sometimes you have to do things you hate." Why do you have to do them? Because the alternative is being homeless and hungry.

If you don't care, then you'll be fine homeless and hungry. But don't go begging for money online, especially month after month. This has happened so many times I can't give them money anymore because they'll just blow it.

"But Jack, they can't find a job!" Go to a temp job. Work in substitute teaching, I literally got hired by having a clean drug record. Work as an orderly, they will hire on the spot. There is work, if you're willing to do it. But you have to accept you may hate what you're doing because your dreams aren't paying. Their dream involves fame and making money through their art, every other job is just a temp thing until their big breakthrough.

I hope they do breakthrough. But waiting for that and only looking for jobs that allow you to produce art doesn't pay the bills. After a certain point, you just have to accept your dream isn't paying.

Also, you need to recognize what is important and what isn't. Rent and food is mandatory. Furry cons and breast implants are not. I've cut my expenses to the bone and will save money any place I can because I know teaching pays shit. That's what you have to do sometimes when you're an adult. It sucks, it hurts and you still have to do it.

But maybe you don't want to do that. Well you don't have to grow up. Or have a home. That's just my opinion.

I got no response to my last journal. I'm still looking for rp partners, animal rp in particular. I need stress relief and love telling a story.

I'm feeling more creative than usual, need help finding animal tf ideas and concepts to excite me. Looking for RP partners for animal tfs. I'm willing to do most animals. Just message me.

My mother and father have been screaming profanity at each other and I am stuck in this house. I am upset and scared. I am relying on my faith in God and my love for  rimme to keep me sane. And I need out of here. If anyone in Western NC is looking for a room mate, anyone needs a renter, please contact me. I am desperate.

If you're not, please just contact me. Please...I need to talk.

I thought I had a second job. Well this time, one of my references torpedoed me. Please note, each of my references are saying they gave me nothing but praise. So yeah, someone is lying. Great isn't it? Either that or my principal contacted them. Either way, I'm basically at a loss. I enjoyed teaching. My supervisor told me I was good at it. Apparently not that good. I don't know what to do.

I don't think I can teach. I apparently suck at it. I know I can't teach if I live around my mother. I can't be around her. That's for me a breaking point. I can't work around her. She makes me so nervous and so worried about disappointing others that I can't do it. I can't do anything in this house, I am so unhappy here I want to die.

So right now I'm completely lost. I have no clue what to do.

I was hired at (Redacted) High School through a job fair, my principal Dr. (Redacted) was not there when I was hired. I was hired to teach English. After 8 days, I was pulled into Dr. (Redacted)'s office where she informed me she was displeased with me, she wouldn't have hired me and I was being transferred to special Ed. My new position was as a teacher of Exceptional Children. And you know what, I loved it! I loved getting to work so close to the children.

I succeeded and I thrived. I co-taught in multiple classes and I did so well that my co-teachers offered me glowing recommendations. However, my principal brought me into her office to complain about me three times. She accused me of sleeping in class, of being on my phone to often and just not being a good fit. At this point it was apparent my principal personally did not like me.

In April I was informed that I would not have my contract renewed. I was told to find a new job. I did so and found a new job. My new employer though said I could not be hired until they spoke to my principal, Dr. (Redacted). She refused to respond to them. All of my other contacts gave me glowing recommendations, my principal just refused to speak at all and I lost the job I had.

During this same time, my principal refused to fire one of my co-teachers who had skipped over 20 days of work due to "anxiety". I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I have a mental illness requiring medicine. I missed three days all year due to actual illness, while she missed 20 and once left me in charge of a class of forty students. But I was punished. She played favorites.

What I fear is that this will keep happening. I won't get a teaching job as long as she refuses to speak to them. So I'm now unemployed, with no clear path forward, no protection and no ideas.

I'm remembering two quotes to calm myself, one secular and one spiritual. The secular one comes from the philosopher Crates: Why run away little Phonecian? Nothing bad has happened to you. Crates was teaching Zeno of Citium humility by forcing him to carry around a pot of lentil soup, which was the food of poor people. When Zeno tried to avoid being seen, Crates smashed the pot of lentil soup all over him. Zeno was embarrassed, but Crates made the good point, that life has still continued and nothing so bad has happened. He's lost reputation, so what? He still has his character.

The second quote comes from one of my patron saints. St. Francis de Sales: Yet the divine Goodness would not have called you to the path on which you are traveling without strengthening you for all of this; it is for Him to bring this work to completion (Phil 1:6). Even if He takes long to accomplish it, be patient: the task requires it.

No matter what I am still alive and as St. Frances de Sales said, God still is moving me forward, even if I can't see it. I'm not alone on this journey. It will happen. How I don't know, but it will, it just will take time.

So Ron DeFacist has found a new way to piss people off, by making it damn near impossible for trans adults to find hormonal therapy. And many are fleeing in Florida. I'm going to write this to Trans Americans in Florida and I know full well that probably none will see it. I suspect in fact that people I consider friends will get very pissed at me. But frankly, if you're not willing to let me have my opinions when they disagree with yours...I don't want your friendship. I've always respected the opinions of others even when I disagree, I've listened to those on the Left and Right complain about what is ruining the world and never commented. I expect them to do the same for me. Because I have to say something or I won't be able to live with myself.

I am not Trans. Shocking, I know. I am a miserable, self-loathing, snarky, cynical stoic bastard who spends a lot of time reading, writing, masturbating and trying to not see what fucking stupid thing my states politicians are doing this week. Of late in NC I know all about what Mark Robinson, our Lt. Gov has been doing and saying. Mark Robinson is a barely functioning lunatic, an open bigot and the most hateful man in NC since Larry Pittman finally retired. If you don't know who Larry Pittman is, he's a man who's eventual death should be treated as a world wide holiday if not for the fact that celebrating death is always wrong. Even for someone as loathesome as Pittman and Robinson.

Mark Robinson is even more far right than Ron DeSickness, if you can believe that. He also will most likely be the next Governor of NC thanks to Republican BS, Democrat laziness, loser candidates and the fact that the loons who would vote for him will always show up to vote. I also know that if Ron DeSelfImportant succeeds in driving Trans Americans out of Florida, Mark Robinson will go much further in NC. He's called homosexuals filth and has made it clear they have no place in his NC. He'll try to drive us out through legal means, or I suspect through straight up laws encouraging the outing of LGBT public and private service workers, followed by harassment and state sponsored terrorism. I am gearing up for it, because Florida for me is acting like a test case.

Ron DefinitelyNotAChristian is a strong man who relies on fear. He wants Trans Americans to be afraid. They should flee and hide, that is his goal. He wants them to be scared, he wants them to be quiet and he wants people to see him as a strong man who will help cure Florida of that weed called Democracy. I am not Trans, but if I was and I lived in Florida, I would stay. If I was and didn't live in Florida, I'd move there. Because I want Ronny Baby to know one thing.

I am not afraid of you.

I think that Trans Americans who flee Florida are making that man stronger. They're giving him what he wants. They need to stand against him and fight. And I know what people will say, "You're not Trans so you can't know what it's like to lose access to hormonal therapy", and you're right, I don't. I do know that bigots have accused Trans individuals of play acting at being the other gender and that they'd cease to be without hormonal therapy. That if you ban it, eventually they'll give up and go back to the "Correct" gender, as determined by the blasphemy that they claim as Christianity.

I'd stay though. If they take away hormonal therapy, so what? That doesn't change you. The body is hardware, you exist independent of the body. Plus if you stay, you can vote these assholes out. You can fight. And you can be there for those who can't leave. Not everyone can flee Florida. Trans Americans who are stuck are going to have no support, but they'll gave a government that openly hates them. So stay and fight.

I live my life by six words. Fear Nothing, Question Everything, Love All. I don't always live up to them, which I admit, but here is one case where I'd have to try. Fear nothing. Let them curse you, insult you, take your rights and call you a groomer. Show them you won't break. I work in an NC school with homophobic school board members (two being Moms for Liberty), but I've never for a second hidden my sexuality. They've decided my contract won't be renewed, fine I found work at another school. I'm not scared. Go ahead, drive me out, at the end of the day you need me and I still vote. I'll be around. I'm not afraid.

I find it frustrating at times that, even as I work hard, people are still questioning my work ethic. Today I took a bathroom break, I take one every day at the same time, probably due to my OCD honestly. Today my boss asked me if I think I'm getting enough time with the kids, am I fulfilling my commitment. Seeing as I'm required to be in there 45 minutes and I am there 85, taking time for a bathroom break, I'd say yes. But I didn't. I asked what she thought and she deflected like a tennis pro, so that's something.

I don't think I'm doing a good enough job with my kids, but this is my first year. See how I feel next year. Beyond that though, I know this. I am trying. I haven't given up or gotten discouraged. One of the reasons my ex-game group kicked me out was because I didn't want to open up. I didn't because, frankly, a lot of what I do is private and talking about teaching tends to fall into two categories: Bitch fest or virtue signalling.

A bitch fest I can do, I actually am currently sketching out plans for how I'd change the education system because it's so messed up. In the next ten years the Public education system will collapse and most likely be privatized, it'll probably take 50+ years to get out from that. As for virtue signaling though....let me back up.

Now anyone who knows me knows I have a very...low opinion of social media. To be blunt, I'd rather see the black death make a come back than Twitter. One of the reasons I loathe it so is it is a lightning rod for soap boxes, hate speech and virtue signalling. And I can deal with the first two a hell of a lot easier than the last. I find people who like to emphasize how much good they do to be pompous and insufferable.

That's why I don't like discussing my teaching job, because I believe if I am doing good, I should do it without eyes. I should do it in the dark, seen by God alone. That no matter how bad things get, I should come in every day because someone has to. One person called me a jackass and asked why do I stay here if I hate it so much. Because most people who agree with me have fled, those who can't are stuck. At least I can do something good here.

The down side of trying to live like this, not always succeeding but trying, is that I constantly have people telling me that I'm lazy or I don't care. No I do, I just don't broadcast it. I told the woman who called me a jackass I was more interested in being good than looking good, she told me I wasn't either. I didn't fight, because I know that's not true. I know that at least I can be happy with me and pray God is as well. But it takes a toll on me, constantly being judged by people who just scratch the surface.

So today I had a teacher work day, I worked for four hours getting more done than I had in a week, went home and got a call from where I was playing board games I was banned for life. Why? Don't know. Wouldn't tell me, told me in fact I already knew. Mighty impressive considering that I didn't know. I told the caller to go suck a cock and hung up on him, pointless but at least it felt good. I genuinely have no clue what I did to these people that pissed them off so much, but apparently I did something. Also, dumbass, if you want to ban someone it would help if they knew why. Or if they were in there for more than one evening a week.

This week I also, yet again, pissed off my co-teacher who hates me, who has gone so far off the deep end that even the principal admitted that I had done all that she'd asked and we just couldn't be in the same room. So apparently something about my personality pisses people off. And I've decided...I just don't care. I don't care if I piss people off. If they want to hate me, fuck them. Because frankly we fixate too goddamn much on how people perceive us.

People think I'm an asshole, fine. But I work with special needs kids for low pay and I go to my job with a smile on my face knowing their lives are getting better every day. One person at the gaming place got mad at me for not sharing that I do that with them. I won't do that because my kids are NOT FUCKING PROPS. I am not going to talk about their lives to make mine seem better, it's inappropriate for one thing and for another I don't want to work with them to make my life seem better. I want to work with them because I can actually help them.

One thing that always pisses me off beyond description is being told "Be who you are". I've been told that by people who then turn around and tell me that I need to be a different person or else people are going to get upset. Who I am is someone who tries to be moral without caring how I look. People accuse me of being an indifferent asshole, but I know that's not true. That's all that matters. What annoys me is that we focus too much on how others behave, rather than their true character. I can be a rude SOB and an arrogant one too. I'm also loyal, honest and the hardest working SOB you'll ever see.

So I finally got my full teacher certification. I also got hired to teach English. I've in fact been so busy writing has been impossible. Either way, I was hired a few weeks ago to teach English at a local high school. Until 72 hours before the first day of school. I was informed that due to "comments" (air quotes mine) I supposedly made, they wanted to fire me. Also the principal had never been on the call where I was hired and she told me to my face she wouldn't have.

It's the feeling of community that makes working here so fun.

So obviously I...did not quit. They offered to bump me down to TA, I said no since I'd signed a contract. I basically refused to do anything except teach English. I was pissed, I was frustrated but I was going to teach English or they were going to tell me just what in the fuck I had done to piss them off. The answer as it turns out, was nothing. In truth it was all far far stupider than I thought.

Okay, so the EC department at my school is understaffed. How understaffed I don't hear you asking. Well a case worker isn't allowed to have more than 50 cases at a time. The EC director is handling 90 minimum right now. The principal had told me she would have fired me and told me she didn't believe I could manage a classroom, despite having NEVER seen me run a classroom. And after all of this crap, the Friday before school started, she finally told me the truth.

The EC department was so understaffed they had to have someone there. In fact the day I was being told how shitty of a job I was doing, before running a single class, they had hired an EC teacher who quit within six hours. The principal said that if I really wanted to help students, this was how I could. And...I do. I got into teaching because I believe the most noble thing I can do is serve my fellow man as God commanded, showing them love and support regardless of the money. And while I am and remain furious she lied to me, I'll do what is needed.

So I am now an EC teacher. In fact today I put together my massive case manager notebook and I am learning how to write IEPs. The pay is horrible and the hours long but at least the kids will be better off. For that I am grateful.

But anyway, moving on from that and my barely functioning brain, I am looking for people to do TF role plays with. Dog tf fans and mental tf fans especially. I would do this to relax, but none of my usual partners are interested in doing it with me right now, so I am going on to FA. If interested, please note me.

First read this article : https://nymag.com/intelligencer/202.....f-tyrants.html
I was recently reading the above posted article by Sarah Jones and I must say I am impressed. Not one single time did my eyeballs melt or did I spontaneously combust from the unrelenting barrage of poorly thought out arguments, contradictory statements and blame throwing that ignored any blame she and her limousine liberal friends might have to shoulder. I can say with confidence, this is one of the most irrational, poorly written pieces of crap I've ever seen. It's like a how to guide on how not to write an opinion piece, unless you want your opinion to seem weak and contradictory.

There are several moments I want to talk about but if I did I'd be here all day. I'll just highlight one particular stand out bad argument: "What is happening inside the Supreme Court is not the triumph of the American people but rather the success of a well-funded minoritarian faction. The battle for abortion pits the electoral and political power of a pro-choice majority against that of conservative elites, and it is easy to see who is winning."

First off, how do you know their is a pro-choice majority? You cite no sources. Yes according to the MSNBC news poll I saw yesterday evening, there is a pro-choice majority. According to the Fox news poll I saw at the gym, there is a pro-life majority. I'm betting money if you put abortion rights to a referendum, they'd be pretty evenly split.

Second, let's follow the logical black hole of this argument. Removing abortion rights is wrong according to Sarah Jones because it's ignoring the will of the American people. IE it's ignoring the will of the majority. If we are a true democracy, I'd agree that ignoring the will of the majority is a bad thing. So by that logic, when the Supreme Court overturned Proposition 8 in 2013, that was also a bad thing. I mean, it was voted in by the majority of California voters, it had a clear majority. Ms. Jones doesn't mention that, because if she did she'd be contradicting herself. There is also the unstated view expressed later on in the article, where Ms. Jones cites other landmark supreme court cases that don't save it from legitimacy. Those cases were good, despite not having a popular mandate behind them. Why are they good? Because she agreed with them. IE, things are good and progressive when they're what I like.

The word for that is not "Enlightened". It's "Arrogant" and no word better suits this writer.

This is an example of what I call the Dreamz school of rhetoric. Dreamz was a player on Survivor Fiji who would contradict his own argument constantly, sometimes even in the same sentence. While Ms. Jones didn't specifically cite an example of the Supreme court ignoring the majority, her argument remains weak because there are plenty of cases of the court doing just that.

Now I didn't start writing this because I wanted to make fun of Sarah Jones, that's just some extra fun for me. I started writing this when I looked at that argument and other Pro-Choice arguments and the Pro-Choice Twitter feeds and it hit me: You do know you're all to blame for this right?

Now I know what you're thinking: He can't be blaming the pro-choice crowd for Roe v Wade potentially being overturned, can he? Yes, actually. I can and I am. In fact I'd argue no group has done more for the Pro-Life crowd than the modern Pro-Choice movement. Why? Because you were all treating the Pro-Life crowd as idiots, they were organizing. While you were spending fifty years taking a victory lap, they were planning. When you were refusing to vote in 2016 because your vote didn't really count, they were voting.

"But it's not fair", I hear you cry. "They only won in 2016 because of the stupid electoral college". I'd agree, they did. The electoral college should be given the heave ho, or at least vastly reformed. But it wasn't then. They played by the rules in that election (again talking about 2016 and not 2020). If they did, well frankly so do you. You by and large didn't vote, most notably in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, and you allowed a rotten orange with bad hair into the white house.

But it's not just lack of voting that royally butt fucked you. I can say with all certainty, no group is as condescending and dismissive as grad students. After them would be new professionals without experience and after that hardcore fanboys. After that though would be the Pro-Choice crowd. If you go pretty much anywhere on social media, you'll see this stupid clip of George Carlin arguing that the Pro-Life crowd are anti-women. I don't even go on social media beyond Telegram and Discord and I've been given that fucking clip twice. Beyond that I was forced to listen to a stimulating conversation about how the only reason the Pro-Life crowd exist is due to patriarchy and they wouldn't be doing this if men could get pregnant.

Let's ignore for a moment the most obvious counterargument to that, the fact their are lots of women in the Pro-Life movement. Let's instead focus on one other group. Specifically, the Catholic church. The Church believes that life begins at conception. The believe all life is sacred. The believe in forgiveness and understanding, but that ending a life in any state is murder. For those who truly believe in all aspects of the Churches teachings, they believe this too. So for them it's not about patriarchy, it's about their souls.

What about those who aren't Catholic? Plenty of them are religious as well. Their beliefs are not about patriarchy or oppression. They're about what gives their life meaning and what gives it morality. Dismissing their actual beliefs as "patriarchy" is dismissive and counterproductive.

Do you want them to agree with you? Well one thing that might help would be not treating them like morons who need a lecture or bastards who are the enemy. You need to approach them as friends and see if you can bring them to your way of thinking. Because, guess what? The Pro-Choice crowd has spent the last fifty years doing a victory lap. Every time you see someone Pro-Life in the media, they're depicted as either an idiot, insane or in need of being saved from their backwards thoughts. Those who do genuinely believe in life at conception? They're probably not happy about being presented as idiots. They're definitely not happy that their complex views are being boiled down to a bunch of bullet points.

Besides that, I must ask something. Why were the pro-choice groups not pushing for more legislation? Why were they not electing candidates who would promise to create federal laws legalizing abortion? "Well, because no one was." I don't believe that. The pro-life crowd never had trouble finding people who promised to roll back abortion, so I struggle to believe you couldn't find anyone. Why were you not more politically active before this event?

Roe v Wade hasn't been overturned yet and people act like the sky is falling. The sun will still rise tomorrow, if covered in a layer of carbon smog. Even if it is overturned, life will go on. It won't go on in the way you like, but it will go on. Use this as an opportunity, go out and fucking vote in 2022. If you really want abortion rights, then make sure people who will promise abortion rights get voted in. Because if you don't vote, or you sit around whining how unfair it is, well frankly it's your fault. And stop assuming that you know every pro-choice person because you saw an internet meme calling them anti-women. Most of them would argue they're pro-women, they just don't believe this is an issue of women's rights.

But hey, maybe your vote doesn't count and it's more productive to rant on twitter and smash things when you get mad. Never mind that movements that start in violence usually end in them. Never mind that twitter rants have achieved very little besides occasionally harassing people (or in one case driving them to suicide). Never mind that the pro-Life crowd is still organized and going to be working their butts off to make sure abortion is outlawed. Just keep doing the same thing that hasn't worked before, maybe it'll work this time.

People love to make fun of the MAGA crowd on twitter. But they keep voting. And they're going to keep winning. IF you want it to stop, you've got to do your job too. If not, well you're to blame. If it's that big a deal to you that America be Pro-Choice, speak to as many Pro-Life people as you can. Try to convince them. Speak to them as a friend, not as an idiot who needs to be rescued by your enlightened ass.

You might notice I didn't list my own views on abortion. Well that's simple. They're none of your business.

Alright, so I have basically been completely silent on FA since December. There is a simple reason for that. I've been dealing with a combination of severe writer's block, depression and people constantly asking for the next part of my dog story, which ended up making the writers block worse. I am only writing this now because I finally have begun writing again. Not much, but at least I am writing something again, instead of beating myself up.

Note to all of those who kept pestering me? Yeah, messaging me to ask why I haven't finished the story isn't going to make it come faster. It's going to do one thing, piss me off.

Second, I've decided I need to change my fursona. I obviously can't change my name due to FA, but in recent years I've felt that my lizard self is a part of me, but not the full me. I needed something that I felt more attached to. In my case, a rat.

I am looking for an artist who can do a multi-step tf sequence in color. As for money, I'll work that out once I see prices. If anyone knows anyone, or knows anyone who likes drawing rats, please let me know.

Right now I am still struggling, but trying to get better. And I am happier. I am Jack the Rat now.

I decided to look on Twitter today after a friend linked me to his account. As usual this was a mistake and I was reminded that Twitter is a cesspit that spends all of its time creating a swirling vortex of hate from which there is no escaping. I read for a while and then realized I have two choices, I either join in the madness or get off of it before it makes me physically ill. Seeing as I'm not vomiting you can probably guess what choice I made.

I was stuck on three things right away. First was the sheer amount of "You deserved it" aimed at Kentucky. Let's ignore that the tornadoes hit four states in particular, not just Kentucky. If Kentucky were to ban abortion tomorrow, ban Mexicans and ban microbreweries, it still wouldn't justify the sheer loss of life occurring right now.

What really shocks me in regards to our society is not the threat to democracy or abortion. The sun will rise tomorrow. The usual response I get is "What about progress?" To this I ask, "Progress towards what?" Supporting the Republicans or being pro-life does not make you against progress, in their mind they're the ones progressing towards a better future.

I don't worry about anything like restrictions of rights or the loss of income. I can't control those. I'll participate in a boycott, if it succeeds then great. If it fails, well then it fails. What I can control is my own actions, my morality and my lifestyle. I can act in a moral way, regardless of the outside world.

I saw someone on twitter celebrating the death of Bob Dole because he had tried to kill social security. He hadn't (It was significantly more complex than that) and even if he had, a man is dead. Do not celebrate. All life is precious, regardless of how they have lived it. That is what I believe, regardless of how unpopular a belief that may be.

This is another reason I insist on being friends with screaming liberals and reactionary conservatives. If I'm going to have any nuance in my world views I kind of have to. If you surround yourself only by those who agree with you, you'll have a warped view. If you never hear disagreements, then you'll create a very fragile bubble for yourself. If you never debate your views then they'll be very weak and fragile. I can assure you of that.

All you can do is control your own actions. Be good to others. Be genuine. If you claim to be progressive, it means not celebrating death or the misfortunes of others. It means not going "Yay karma" when bad things happen to those you like. It means being willing to help those you don't agree with if they need it. It means being concerned for your fellow man. If you can't do that...well frankly you're a hypocrite.

You need to decide, do you want to be genuine or a hypocrite? I don't care one way or another. I'll be true to myself, for better or worse. Even if others get furious at me. Even if I lose friendships. May everyone know me as a true person. Hopefully they'll respect me for that. I respect those I disagree with so long as they are true to what they claim to believe. At least then I know where I stand with them.

Today at the high school I am student teaching at a student killed themselves. They killed themselves and apparently other students found them. I am sitting here shaking, because I was out of the school ironically. I don't know who died, I don't know who found it, all I keep thinking is "Is it one of my students?"

When there is a tragedy or death and you don't have knowledge, it drives you insane. All you can think is about what you don't know. The police are investigating to confirm it was a suicide and when I found out I...thought something I really hated. I thought "Please be a suicide". Because if it isn't, it's a murder (apparently the death was unnatural, they've confirmed that) and it means another student is involved.

The feeling in the midst of a tragedy is frustration. You want more than you have, you want to find out everything, you want to know if it's your student and you are scared and upset to know that you'll be relieved if it's not your student. That's the worst part of it all, you hope that it's not your student. Because someone STILL died. And you hate yourself because if it's not yours, you'll feel relief even though someone has died.

I don't know anything right now. I'll be posting more when I find out.

$20 for whoever gets the reference in my journal title.

So my mother is sick and my father is even sicker and after getting to spend the weekend with  rimme I have spent my time balancing working for my license and taking care of two sick parents. Well that and hearing my brother tell me he can't do anything because he's too busy, so it's all on me. And my parents keep telling me how much they appreciate what I've been doing for them and I keep reminding myself when all is said and done I'll get a pat on the head and they'll go back to caring more about my brother than me. On reflection, this seems to be how I've lived my life.

I try to do what I can for others without complaint. If someone needs an ear, I try to listen. If someone writes or draws, I'll look at their product and give them feedback. If someone needs a plane ticket, I'll pay for it. And they...will tell me they won't watch my FA page, or watch my gaming stream or read my story if I read theirs because they don't want to.

I don't have a particularly long journal for once, mostly just venting frustration. I want to make people happy, I'll help them as needed. Just I'd like to know sometimes people care. When one friend lost a pet, I roleplayed with him for twelve hours. He promised to do a rat rp with me. Two years later that still hasn't happened.

I just...I dunno. I shouldn't complain, but every so often I need to blow off steam. If you read this, please comment. I don't care if you don't have much to say, I don't care if you want to say something on telegram, post here so I can look at it when I need it.

I never make a journal two days in a row unless something big has happened. And something has happened. I am more angry then I ever thought possible. And I don't know if anyone else will agree with me, but for me this...was enraging.

So the worst teacher I ever had was my 7th grade English teacher, Ms. Hudson. She made me feel like I wasn't wanted and that I was going to be repeating the 7th grade. Now most of the time my mother would side with my teacher against me over any complaints I would make. This was the one exception, my mother believed me.

Ms. Hudson is actually at my school, teaching high school English now. My mentor teacher went to speak to her, since I've mentioned my thoughts on Ms. Hudson to my mentor a few times. And Ms. Hudson gave me a very different POV than the one I remembered. You see, according to Ms. Hudson, she didn't hate me. She was scared for me. And she was worried that my mother was messing me up, because in her words "His mom was crazy".

Ms. Hudson wanted me to speak to a psychiatrist, she was convinced I had some kind of anxiety disorder and OCD because of how withdrawn I was becoming. And when she broached the subject with my mother, my mother responded by freaking out. She refused to discuss any problems I might have and REFUSED to get me tested for these mental illnesses.

These illnesses I would later on be tested for. And it would be proven I did have. After I went and got testing that I paid for out of pocket.

For years I've thought that there was something wrong with me, but I could never figure out what. I figured no one knew because no one ever mentioned mental health to me until my therapist brought it up. And today I found out my mother had been warned about these problems, again problems I actually had, years ago. That I should get tested so that I didn't become a nearly catatonic hermit crippled by OCD and anxiety.

Which is exactly what would eventually happen.

I spent years suffering and being miserable. I was so unhappy and crippled by my fears. And all that time my mom kept telling me that it was my fault, that it was due to a weakness in my character, or that I was acting crazy and thank God she was here to get me under control. She manipulated me, she kept me miserable and she kept me away from anything that could have helped me heal.

I've not told her I found out about this. I'm going to keep this card close to my chest for now. What I now believe is my mother is a completely toxic person.  rimme and I want to get married and have children one day. When we do, I will not let them be around her unless Rimme or I are around her as well. She is toxic, she made me suffer for years for no reason other than not wanting to deal with a problem I had.

I would like some advice. What do I do here?

So I have to go into school early tomorrow. I am so tired that it's all I can do to stay awake is feed on my irritation at this. Why do I have to go in? Because two overly sensitive parents have listened to their even more overly sensitive daughter who is convinced I am trying to single her out. Their daughter, who I will call Special Little Darling, is convinced I want to destroy her self-esteem by bullying her and to ruin her future and collapse her grades.

Special Little Darling has a perfect grade and is the only one in the class who does. If I am trying to destroy her self-esteem I am not doing a very good job.

This is the third time in six weeks I've been accused of this. The first time was after I threw out a student from the class just because he grabbed another student by the neck and tried to lift him up to throw him like a rag doll. The second time was after I took a girl's phone from her for the fifth time in five days, with her saying I wasn't doing it to other students. Said student incidentally walked into the doorway that same day due to paying more attention to her phone than where she was walking. The other students are glued to their phones, but not addicted like she is.

I don't want to deal with middle school students, of that I am sure. I learned I can't deal with them. But this is just baffling to me, being told to structure my classes around the fragile egos of high school students. To be frank...I don't care what upsets them. I want them to pass, if they don't want to, well that's their problem. In the case of the first two students I'm sorry, but I am not going to let you disrupt the class because you feel you're special.

As for the third student, well if you're that anxious, you need to tell me. If you don't, then it is not on me to assume that you might have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Which I don't know she has. What I do know is that I have 75 minutes to teach a class, 45 on days with a quiz. And if you're taking more than half an hour, I'm sorry but you're going to have to move on or come and take it after class. Because I can't spend all day waiting for you to finish, disorder or no disorder.

Again, I have over 80 students I am looking after, yet the most sensitive are the ones who expect me to ignore the other 79. I can't fix problems if you don't mention them, nor should I have to worry about students having undiagnosed mental health issues. That's for a therapist, not an English teacher. If you want me to be a teacher, than let me be a teacher. If you want me to be a therapist, have your insurance bill me.

Above all else though, I find it frustrating that apparently the person with the least say-so in the class room is the teacher. I have to worry about students speaking to parents who then try to protect their Special Little Darling. I have to worry about being told the students don't have enough of a voice in my class. So let me make this clear.

They don't have a voice. Even when they think they do, it's still in a way that I determine. This is my class room and my way of teaching, because we have a lot of shit I have to do, so by God I am going to do it. I'm not being paid for this year, I'm working unpaid for "experience", IE the bullshit way of saying work for Monopoly money.

If I let the students have as much say as the parents want, every student would want something different and every parent would want something different than their Special Little Darling. So to cut out all of the chaos that would cause, I find it best to be very strict and very demanding. If they can't keep up, well it's an honors English class. I expect Honors work 100% of the time.

I want to really put to rest though the idea of the teacher running their class with the students. Any time a student thinks they have real say in the class, it's an illusion. Like, for their final project, I let my students choose what they would do from a list of three topics. But I made sure these were topics I could easily grade and that wouldn't be opinion based. I let them think they were setting their own choice, but I gave them the choices to me.

I am not Princeps, I am Dominus. This is the consulship of Jack and Moore, one man who makes decisions in the class room. If you find being in an honors class this stressful, then leave or tell me about it. You can't accuse me of singling you out, being too controlling, being a bully while never letting me know things are less than perfect.

I have two leopard geckos, Seneca and Paulina. And my female Paulina kept having fluid build up inside of her and we couldn't figure out why. So I brought her in for an x-ray and we discovered a mass in her stomach. We removed it, but it was on her liver as well. Now the odds of it being cancer were close to one in a thousand, cancer in geckos is very rare unless they're old.

And I somehow hit those odds. Today I got the biopsy, Paulina has maybe a couple of months left. All I can do is make her comfortable. She will die soon though and it's crushing me.

I keep thinking of my grandfather's death. For most of my life I've been extremely lucky, no one particularly close to me, human or animal had died. My grandfather had once badmouthed me behind my back for being immature and I knew he loved my cousin more than me. When he died I still lost it.
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I think when you've not dealt much with death outside of a theoretical sense, it's too much for you. Even when it's an animal, it's too much. One thing that gives me some comfort is from Seneca, in his Consolation to Marcia : "The stage is furnished with borrowed props that must be returned to their owners; somethings will be returned in one day, somethings in two days and some things at the very end. So we should not be proud of us as if it were our own possessions that surround us: we have received them on loan."

Seneca speaks of life as a gift from God. As much as I keep beating myself up over Paulina, and I know my dad beat himself up when his father died, there was nothing we could do. Human, animal, all life comes from God. It's on loan from God, one day he will take it back. The true sign of love is appreciating what time you had, even if you wanted it longer.

Your memories of your loved relatives, pets, friends or whatever, those don't die. Those are yours. They can't die. Whenever I think of my grandfather, he comes back in my memories. Paulina will soon live there forever.

So it's been a long few months, too long. I've spent it preparing for student teaching, mostly by working myself to exhaustion and trying to earn as much money as I can. Fingers crossed but I think I have.

Now I've been wanting to write a journal for a while now, but every time I get distracted. However I observed two things in the last couple of weeks that gave me something to talk about. Something that truly bugs me.

Earlier today I was observing a chat on telegram, discussing how FA is banning conservatives. I can't prove it's happening, neither can the person who said it is, but this person insisted it is happening because they heard about it on Twitter and that means it's totally happening, like for real. They bemoaned their lack of freedom of speech and bemoaned the lack of good alternatives to FA. Interesting, I thought. Their words made me reflect on a discussion I'd had a couple of weeks ago.

Now this discussion had been about what it means to be empathetic. Now I said empathy is being able to empathize with others no matter how much you disagree with them or how vile you find them to be. No that does not mean encouraging their views, it does not mean giving them approval, it means trying to understand their mindset and recognizing you are both children of the same god. I was informed I was confusing empathy with sympathy. I admit my conduct in this debate was poor, instead of trying to get my counterpart to see things from my point of view, I was more interested in "Winning" the argument. As a rule of thumb it's never good to try to win the argument.

Now this friend of mine has a special hate for Conservatives. He is very left wing and he'll let you know how left wing he is. I incidentally have a friend who is just as right wing, and amazingly they will use a lot of the same rhetoric to argue contrasting opinions. I feel sometimes like Jane Goodall watching the strange behaviors of creatures I struggle to understand.

Anyway, my left wing friend has a loathing for Conservatives, so I asked if he empathizes with them. His response was that he pities them for "how lost they are" and that he feels sorry for them. My right-wing friend said something similar a few days before, and both responses provoked the same feeling in me; nausea and disgust. Few things more annoy me than the idea that your political views make you so enlightened and that those who don't view things the way you do are lost and need help. If you talk like this, word of warning, you sound like a substitute teacher talking to a kindergartner, rather than speaking to another human being in good faith.

What most struck me though with my left wing friend is his claims of being empathetic, which at least my right wing friend has never claimed. Pity is not empathy, empathy is trying to understand and at least recognizing while you may disagree you understand they are humans with thoughts and feelings. It is not putting yourself on a dais. I assure you, you're not worthy of it anymore than I am.

I pointed out to my friend that he's not being empathetic at all, he's viewing himself as enlightened and all who don't think like him as either stupid or cruel. He explained that his being empathetic was less about empathy than apathy, and he asked "If they don't care how I feel, then why should I?" Incidentally this is where I royally messed up, spending more time poking holes in logic to show how smart I was, instead of pointing out something obvious.

To quote Epictetus, "Taking account of the values of externals, you see, comes at the cost of the value of ones own character." Confused yet? Don't worry I'll explain. In simple terms, you should not make your character conditional on things outside of you. If someone treats you with hate, with loathing, with disdain, so what? You're not hurt, unless you let them hurt you. Your character is not changed by their insults. Your soul is not wounded. They can hurt your bodies yes, but again, so what? Your body is a fleeting ugly, smelly, and in my case very fat, thing that will break down anyway. The real you is your mind or your spirit, depending on how you wish to view it. That can't be hurt by anything anyone says.

What can hurt it is what you do. Another quote, this one from Marcus Aurelius: "The people I deal with today will be meddeling, ungrateful, dishonest, arrogant, jealous and surly. They are like this because they do not recognize good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good and the ugliness of evil and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own-not of the same blood but of the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so no one can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness."

Again, I know confusing. In simple terms, if you are really a good, loving, empathetic and genuine person, then nothing someone says, no matter how hurtful, can truly hurt you. Because you recognize what is good and what is evil, and have decided evil will have not power over you. The last line especially speaks to me, "No one can implicate me in ugliness", because it comes with an unstated promise. They can't implicate you in ugliness, but you can do it to yourself.

So why should my left-wing friend be loving and empathetic to those he dislikes? Because he can't control their behavior, he can only control his own. He can decide if he'll rise above the hate with love, or if he'll crawl into the muck with those who loath us.

If you want to be genuinely empathetic, it requires showing love and trying to understand others, no matter what. If you only do it to those you agree with, well frankly you're a hypocrite. And now we come back to the discussion I saw on telegram today.

The furries I watched were discussing the death of free speech, the banning of conservative furries and how they need to make an exodus to another site that is more open minded. I must again point out that they had no proof that conservatives were being banned, they simply assumed they were because it was said on Twitter, a well known bastion of integrity and factual information.

But what most bothered me wasn't just trusting in Twitter, it was the decision to make a mass exodus. If you truly believe your views need to be heard and you're being banned from saying them, say them anyway and take the ban. Do so as a badge of honor, show these people who hate you that no matter what else, you are a genuine person. You will stand up for your views, even if it means being banned, and you won't slink away in fear.

I believe it's more important to be genuine than just about anything else. To be genuine means to be true to your character no matter the changes of circumstance. If you're worried about freedom of speech, it means speaking even with the knowledge you can be banned. If you are empathetic, it means empathizing with those you don't understand.

If you can't stand true to your own principals, well frankly you have no right to complain when someone offends you. You can't stick up for what you believe in, how can you be offended when someone sins against your principals? They were less valuable to you then whatever you sacrificed them for. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone else, more so possibly, so I'm not trying to put myself on a dais. I'm just pointing out that you can't claim to be something or to value something so much that its a major part of who you are, then change your mind when circumstances get difficult.

One last quote, this one from Seneca: "Anger is in a hurry. Reason wants a judgement to be fair. Anger wants a judgment to appear fair." Anger is what Seneca mentions, but I could substitute it with "Ego" or "Appearance". We want to appear as genuine people who are firm in their principals. We want to appear to others as "Good people". But most of us don't actually want to do it.

We want to look good, we don't want to be good. To be good is to be true to your principals, even if others hate you. Because their judgement doesn't decide what is or isn't good. You decide that in your own life. For me, God decides that and I carry it out. I'd rather be genuine and hated than chameleonic and loved.

I know its long and I know its rambling, but I had a lot to say. I hope you all enjoyed reading it.

Today on Cracked.com the first article I saw was on why the Roman Emperor Elagabalus was transgender, was shamed for being transgender, and why the appropriate pronoun was "They/Them". After reading it, I wanted to weep. Because they called Elagabalus a Trans icon. Much like when you think of icons for gay males, your mind goes to John Wayne Gacey.

Elagabalus was the third Emperor of the Severan dynasty of Rome. The Severans were a complete mess, with only one of them not being assassinated. Elagabalus was, to his credit, a better Emperor than the previous Emperor of the dynasty, Caracalla. I say previous of the dynasty, because their was a non-dynastic emperor between the two, who doesn't matter. Elagabalus was better in the sense that he never burned a town down because a playwrite made fun of him. Instead he was completely useless.

I mean it. He was useless. Elagabalus loved handing high offices to male lovers because he didn't want to run the empire. He forced a Vestal Virgin to marry him because he wanted her to bear his divine children. Incidentally, if a Vestal Virgin ever had sex, they were supposed to be put to death. Elagabalus did not care. He was obsessed with his role as the high priest of the Syrian phallic sun god Elagabul and forced the Senate to watch him dance in ritual, instead of running the damn Empire.

If rumors are to be believed, Elagabalus once kicked all of the prostitutes out of a brothel and decided to play hooker himself. He kicked out lovers and wives with a speed that must be seen to be believed, during his four years as Emperor he divorced five wives, including the Vestal Virgin wife. He had anyone who criticized him put to death.

And according to Cracked, we should view him as a trans icon because historian Cassius Dio hated him and claimed he tried to have sexual reassignment surgery. Three things on this. 1. As I've laid out, Elagabalus was a power mad loon who raped men and women, had critics put to death and though I didn't mention it, was only in power because his grandmother wanted to use him as a puppet. 2. Three historians who wrote about him all hated him, Cassius Dio was the only one who claimed he tried to become a woman through surgery.

Most damning of all though is point three. Cracked argues Elagabalus' behavior was exaggerated, he was actually a good guy and transgender. Except...the claim he was wanted sexual reassignment surgery comes from those same historians who "exaggerated". So if they lied about his bad behavior, you can't trust that he actually DID want that surgery. Only one historian claimed it as I mentioned, Cassius Dio.

If you do want to believe it, you have to also accept Elagabalus was a monster who is no more of a trans icon than Aileen Wurnose was for lesbians. I bring all of this up because of the sad indictment it is of what we're doing with history. We try to apply our value systems to a people who would have been confused beyond words by us. In Ancient Rome their was no such thing as gay, straight, bi or trans. Their was cumming and not cumming.

Beyond that, why do LGBT people need to look towards history for "icons". They won't find them, no historical figure exists without baggage of some kind. You have to acknowledge the problematic parts of history. If not you're building a straw man, just one made up of what you consider positives.

I hope no one would consider Elagabalus an icon. I certainly hope they won't defend him. If you want to find the article, be my guest. Me personally, I'm going to go scream into a pillow.