Let me start this by quoting something I posted in a telegram chat:
"What I am saying is I believe in evidence to back up statements and that using insults is not a debate, making points and backing them up is. I believe in discourse. I do not believe in letting my emotions run me. I believe in science, I believe in statements of fact. I believe in responding to hate with love because having been hated for what I am, all that I can do is be better than that. I believe any point I make I should be able to back up. I believe that you should respond calmly, rationally and without insult or slur, because you know better.
I believe transwomen are women. Gender is a social construct, as such you are what you believe you are. Gender has no biological connection." I then linked to an article explaining gametes and biological sex and confirming, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that biological sex only comes in two forms and has nothing to do with transgenderism.

The conversation started about JK Rowling and about a disagreement if she is transphobic or not. I do not believe she is, I do not support puberty blockers currently. I am still researching them, if I find enough evidence to change my opinion, my opinion will change. As I said, I believe in evidence, that should back up your opinion. That being said, I also asked for my conversation partner to show me where JK Rowling said Transwomen aren't women. My friend had previously shown me a twitter thread that he thought would prove his point. In the tweet thread, she never said that Transwomen are not women. I pointed this out. This was his response, I did not cut anything I did not change anything I did not remove any context:

"She doesn't have to EXACTLY say that Jack."

Except yes she did. You are accusing someone of saying something they did not say. If she did not say that, then it's up to interpretation and it's your word against mine. My friend changed topics now, saying he wasn't going to stop using the term TERF to describe her, something I'd asked him to stop doing earlier.

I objected to using the term TERF, for much the same reason I do using the term Karen as an insult in discourse. Because insulting someone is not going to help you win your argument. I am now going to give the response I was given, unaltered and unedited. I am not going to say who said this, because I do not want them attacked:

"Transwomen are women. TERF (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist) is NOT a slur, I don't know where you even heard of it because none of those words are slur to begin with. J.K. Rowling is being a dunce, and I personally think you need to REALLY re-educate yourself about gender, gender role and gender identity.

And I will say, you're walking on some thin ice here, saying stuff like this. So, I would really hope you talk to Tom about this sort of thing. Because this is... I'm not gonna lie, this is some pretty shitty stuff. And I don't wanna call the friendship off all because of that."

I'm not sure what exactly I could re-educate myself on. I did not bring up gender roles once, beyond saying gender was a social construct, something he agreed with, but he wants me to educate myself because....I have no idea. I said I would re-educate himself if he learns how to not get mad at people for not agreeing with him. I admit I shouldn't have said that, my anger got the better of me. My friend responded with this, again unedited:

"I'm not mad at you for holding views, I'm a little disappointed because I expected better from you. I mean, I look at other people like my other friends? And they could be listening to you, and they could be thinking, "What the hell is this person saying?" Do you realize how detrimental that is to your character?"

I ask this question, is this detrimental to my character? If so, then fine. I'd rather those around me know who I am, a man who believes in facts. A man who believes in trans rights. A man who believes insults and slurs are pointless. I believe that some parents would rather have a straight trans child then a cis gay one. I know of at least one case for certain, my dad told me Saturday he'd have had an easier time accepting I was a straight woman then a gay man.

I know my own example isn't universal, but what I said was "Some parents", so yes my personal example does fit here. After this I asked what was detrimental to my character, this was the response I got:

"Things like, "TERF is a slur" for one. That's like saying "cisgender" is a slur and I'm a cis male. That's ridiculous! You also are sounding extremely tone deaf and bringing up things and complex ideas that I never even heard of because you're trying so hard to prove your point."

That last statement is what most drives me to write this journal. When you have an argument with someone, you should us e your intelligence to make your point. It is not your concern if your partner does not know what you are speaking about. I bring this up because one thing I noticed people used against JK Rowling is that she doesn't know what she's talking about. And that's a valid point, if you don't know what you're talking about, you shouldn't be making an argument.

Except, I do know what I'm talking about. I cited sources, I gave links to articles. And why was I criticized? "Bringing up things and complex ideas that I never even heard of because you're trying so hard to prove your point." So apparently don't talk about things you do know about. Also don't try hard to prove your point.

You might have noticed nothing in this paragraph addressed my points. If you find it does address me, please point out where so I can see how I misread what he said.

I bring all of this up because I believe in a debate, you should define your terms. You should not let your emotions control you. And you should be ready to change your opinion. Because your opinion is like water, being held in a container made by facts. Much like how a container can change the shape of water, so too should facts change your opinion.

I finished up this debate by asking my friend to define what a slur is to him, since he was mad I considered TERF to be one. He refused to do so, to confirm this here is where he said it:

Jack: What is your definition of a slur?

Friend: Jack I am not having this conversation.

So I gave him the opportunity, and he chose not to take it. I in contrast did take it, giving my definition:

"A slur by my definition is any statement or term used to stereotype, inslut, or dirrect hatered towards an individual for their identity, their ideology, their biology or their religion. As such by my definition it fits." I followed up by asking an important question to me: If TERF isn't a slur but just an insult, why are we insulting people?

My friend at that point said he had to go. I suspect he doesn't have an answer. Their is no real reason to insult people. From a Christian perspective, it violates the New commandment given to us by Christ. From a logical perspective you won't change opinions by attacking people, you just make them dig in.

I brought all of this up because this is what debates have turned into in my experience. Not with people on the left or the right, but with both. People are willing to ignore evidence or ignore points or listen to emotions over reason. And to me that's very sad.

If people think less of me as a person, so be it. I am proud of who I am. A man who will be honest and consistent. That is worth it in my opinion. If the world is against me, I am okay with that. I do what I do believing it is logical and religiously sound. I am at peace with me. I don't ask you agree with me, just be willing to debate with evidence and respect my opinion.

I'm not against people who disagree with me. I just want to learn why and debate.

On Thursday I finally saw a psychiatrist. In the last few weeks my usually bad anxiety has grown hopelessly out of control. I was struggling to get out of bed in the morning because of how much I was panicking, I couldn't sleep (I'd barely slept at all for several days), I was crying uncontrollably and having trouble doing my job. So I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist, didn't matter who, just so long as they were able to see me ASAP.

I got in to my appointment, got asked the usual questions and finally got a confirmed diagnosis. Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD. I'm actually not surprised by either of those, the first one especially. What I couldn't figure is what set me off, he couldn't figure it out either, but something recently really messed with me. The OCD was a bit more of a surprise, but he pointed it to my inability to get off of thoughts and to let go of things.

I'm more frustrated than anything else. Because first thing I had to do was alert my employer. Mental illnesses are supposed to be listed on job applications in NC (I don't know if this is true elsewhere), under potential medical issues, strictly so the employer knows their may be issues. Or so I've been told. The real reason is so the employer knows they can toss your resume straight in the trash.

And now I get to list this. I'm not happy. My boss never responded, but seeing as I have a job I think it's safe to say I'm not fired. I'm also the top salesman, that helps. But I'm annoyed by this. I'm annoyed at how long it took, I'm annoyed with myself for being so stubborn. I'm annoyed with my parents who have told me so many times "Just stop thinking about it", despite my repeatedly saying that doesn't work.

Guess what, it doesn't work! You can tell me not to think about it until you're blue in the tits, and I will still think about it! For fuck's sake, even the doctor confirmed I can't just stop thinking about things, I need meds. Which I have started, the lowest dosage available, five mg. They give this shit to children.

Side effects thus far are nausea and upset stomach. We await some of the positives. It'll take two weeks. I've had other issues of late in life as well, but the biggest has been my anxiety wrecking everything. I can't sleep, I can barely edit, I can't write, can't do anything. I'm trying to fix it.

 rimme and I called off our trip. Outside pressure was too great.

I'm now going to explain this to everyone who didn't respond to my journal, who has given me crap for my sexuality, or who has condescended to me about how some isolation is quote a "first world problem".

I don't just dislike my parents. I hate them with a burning, fiery passion. Their are no two people I less want to be with on Earth than these two. When I told my mom I was cancelling, she was so sympathetic that she briefly glanced up from her newspaper. Mind you I was crying, but hey she heroically kept reading. Because she's ashamed of me. My dad is too. I'm the disgrace of the family, the secret they don't talk about, and they don't see how their years of psychological abuse have left me so messed up.

My relationship is no less valid just because I am in one with a guy. And yet I live under people who tell me it is. My father is so ashamed he can't even admit it. That's why this has been a hellish month and a half thus far with me. It's not being isolated, I could live with isolation. It's being stuck in a house with two people who will never stop criticizing you, who do not love you unconditionally, who will use every chance they can to torture you into who they want you to be, and it NEVER FUCKING STOPS!

I'm not a little unhappy, I want to die while I am here. My family sucks every bit of joy out of my life, they make it hard to maintain outside contact even when the goddamn plague isn't around. And now I get another month of this fucking shit. Guess what, their is no goddamn end in sight. I don't get anything for my mental health beyond people who constantly call me lazy, tell me I'm not taking this seriously or who accuse me of bringing the plague. That's the bright future for me, more of this fucking shit from these bastards who I hope both get the damn virus at this point.

No one is helping me here. Just me. So anyone who claims to know what I'm going through? Yeah, go to hell. You don't know what it's like to be so isolated that you genuinely didn't know how to talk to people without beating yourself up for being shit at it. You don't know what it's like being stuck with people who abuse you and gaslight you constantly. I hate them. Beyond words I hate them.

And I don't see a fucking end. Congratulations, they got their way again. It's never going to be my time.

I am supposed to go see  rimme next weekend and right now I'm not sure if I am or not. And yes it does have to do with my family. It always has to do with my family. It more specifically has to do with my mother, because again of course it has to do with her. I was having an independent thought and that has to stop.

My mom decided today for me, that when I come back I'd be under a two week quarantine. As in, locked in three rooms (a hall, my room and the bathroom) and not allowed to leave under any circumstance. I pointed out the difficulty of doing my job, they said I have a computer (one that does not have any of my work programs on it). I also pointed out, they can't hold me hostage. If I chose to leave, they can kiss my ass. Yeah not a good point, but I was so irritated by this I was starting to snap.

But either way, I can not agree to this. I'm not happy already with how little movement I get. My mother wants me to be locked in my room and confined to less than two hundred square feet, because I might bring the virus in. And my dad might catch it then and he might take it to my grandmother!

You might be asking, like I am, if we're so afraid of bringing a virus with us by violating a travel restriction, why on Earth is my dad still going to see my grandmother? Why is my mom still going to work? Why is my brother still seeing his girlfriend? I didn't ask these, because I know what the answer would have been, "Well we love your grandmother, we have to see her". I also didn't want a remind that my parents view my relationship as a joke.

I can't do two weeks under a full quarantine, for God's sake the stay at home order is supposed to start lifting before it ends. I do not know what to do. Either I cancel my plans or accept life as a potted plant. My mom has sworn already she will physically restrain me if I try to leave quarantine (because I don't have rights, remember?).

I do not know what to do. I genuinely don't. I either cancel my plans and am miserable now, or go and am miserable later.

This one might be the most amazing thing my family has ever blamed me for and that says a lot.

So I woke up after a long and horrid night of not sleeping, and decided as you do, to...relieve myself. Usually I'd not share details like that but I'm angry about this and once you read my journal, you will be too. While I was attempting to, my mom barged into my room without knocking.

Side note, my family does this all the time. Not only do they but my dad once (very angrily) yelled at me that this was HIS house and in HIS house no doors would be locked to HIM. So instead of a lock I've wrapped the handles of several bags around my door knob to make it harder to turn and to give me some time should I be indisposed.

Anyway, my mom entered just after I was able to get myself presentable. She sat down on my bed and told me "We need to have a talk about Covid-19". As soon as she started playing that I could hear the "Violin of sad music" playing in my head, the kind you hear in really melodramatic movies. She then told me she needed me to be honest about everything, because quote "We deliver food to older people and we're going to do your grandmother's taxes next weekend".

I would suggest delaying both until the pandemic passes, but hey what would I know? I'm a sensible person. And before you say something about delivering food, my parents volunteer at the Christian mission, who already offered to replace them with someone who's tested negative.

My mother started by telling me "We know you're an adult and know all of this" and then went on a long (and I mean long) rant about how every time I leave the house I could be infecting myself, or exposing them to the virus. Please note I've been working from home for the last week and only left at most, once a day. My mom in contrast still works in town (in a doctors office, good thing you can't get infected there) and until Thursday, my dad worked at a facility of several thousand people.

No no no, it's me who's the risk for bringing the virus in. Why? Because two people in the office building I work in have gotten sick with it, as has one member of my game night who I last saw....three weeks ago. I pointed out I knew all of this already, but my mom doesn't think I take this seriously.

Two days ago my mom had me go out to a gas station for her to get her a doughnut for breakfast because she didn't want to eat a protein bar. Good to know I'm not taking it seriously. For fairness, I was going to go out and get one for me. But she was fine with it. Just pointing out the hypocrisy of this.

Anyway the discussion ended with her annoyed at me for not taking this seriously and warning me I could be making people sick. Mom, you work at a doctors office. Which one of us is more likely to have the plague? Seriously, she warned me (in her usual gas lighting way to make it seem like she wasn't doing so) that if the family gets sick, it'll be my fault.

This is a new one I must admit. It's not often I get accused of bringing the sickness, but now I have been. Bravo Mom, bravo. Anyway, she and my dad don't want me leaving the house under any circumstance and I need to get used to being under quarantine. I should point out that at this point, I AM NOT SICK. I have no symptoms and while I could have the virus and not know it, so could they. Again my Mom is the one at the highest risk, not me, since she works in a doctors office. But no, this is all my fault.

The only thing I've gotten out of that rant was I should commission some art of myself as the Pestilence horseman of the Apocalypse. That and I'm responsible for the plague. My family folks, you can't make this shit up.

Please comment, even if you disagree, please comment here.

Author's Note: The author requests comments on his journal, please do not message me on telegram, post here or send a note through FA

So I went to game night, and after a truly horrid day at the new job, I needed something stimulating. What I got was to sit on my ass for two more hours, before being told "You should have texted and told us you'd be late." I arrived at 6:08 pm, game night starts at 6:00 pm. And before then I was at work (where I can't text) and driving (where I can't text). I've been trying to play one game for three weeks now, Terra Mystica. I was promised for the last two "We'll play it next week". Well since I arrived a whole eight minutes late due to heavy traffic, my usual group decided "Nah, we're not playing it this week. Maybe next week."

I snapped basically. Too many long nights, too much stress, too much trying to juggle a diet, a full time job, getting my teacher certification and not having any outlet. I left, I don't think I'll be going back.

If I make a promise to someone, I bend over backwards to make it happen. I want that person to know I care about them, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I fulfill my promise. So when people break them, or just casually do it, it pisses me off. And then blaming ME for not giving them notice, when again I literally couldn't, that sent me over the edge. And yes, they had my phone number, they could have text me at any point. They chose not to.

After that I left. The thing is I want to meet more people, I'm sick of being a hermit. So I went on the NC Furs discord. Big mistake. I spoke to three people and told them "Look, I am lonely and miserable, can I meet people through here?" One was sympathetic, but only a little bit. One, we'll call him Moron, kept trying to turn the conversation to one about himself. And one, we'll call him Dumbass, decided to start blaming me for not being more active on the discord.

As I pointed out, when I introduced myself, no one responded. They ignored me. Dumbass told me I needed to post more. Uh, why would I post in a place where I don't feel I'm wanted and where I get ignored? And I had posted before, and again I was ignored. I just kept deleting them because any discord I left a post in would send updates to my phone.

Moron then decided to chime in and tell me that I needed to take more risks if I wanted to get to know people. Hey, Moron? Did ya think of asking me a single question about my life? Had you done so, you'd know the one thing I don't lack in life are risks. I've changed careers, I went to grad school, I came out to my family who even now want me to go back in, I moved across the country for love. I may be many things, a coward is not one of them.

Incidentally  rimme made a good point to me when I mentioned the take risks thing. If posting on your discord is such a risk, maybe it's a sign you have a crappy discord.

So after five minutes of dealing with Moron and Dumbass, I realized this isn't the place for me and left. What do I want? I want people, actual people in my life who want to know me. I have few friends, but those who I consider to be real friends? I know they'd do anything for me, and they know I'd do anything for them.

 rimme and  vrraven and  salvestro and  indagare and  heavensteed and  scarfyconly and  born2beagator and others all should know I'd bend over backwards for them. Literally, anyone who is close to me knows I don't let people in easily. That's why when  darkenwolfen died, it just crushed me so much. He was one of the few people I felt I could tell anything and one of the only ones I trusted implicitly.

I don't know where I fit in. I don't fit in with the Carolina Furs. If I've learned anything, I don't want too. They're lame. They're selfish. They talk a big game but they're not risk takers. They're a bunch of people who think they're weird and unique, but they're all just a bunch of faces in the crowd.

Oh and on the off chance any of you read this, your group will be doomed if you continue as you do. I was suffering, you responded with criticism. This fandom is supposed to be for the strange, the out of the ordinary, those who don't fit anywhere else. What you did in your "wisdom" was tell one of those people they didn't fit here either.

I want someone here with me. I want to know can have friends here. I want to be a part of the furry fandom. I actually tried going to Charlotte Area fur meets before. Huge, huge mistake. I basically walked into a clique of people who weren't willing but were willing to tell me I wasn't trying hard enough.

If anyone does want to get to know me, speak to me. Say hello. Don't expect me to. People keep expecting me to, but after a while I'm tired of always having to be the one who compromises and goes the extra mile. I'm not asking for people to bend over backwards. I'm asking for more people to ask me how I'm feeling when I ask them.

At 11:43 tonight I found out a good friend of mine, Mikhail Darkwolf, one of the kindest people I've ever known, had died. As of right now I am still waiting to find out the cause of death. He leaves behind a mate, Michael Dragonson, who he loved dearly.

You know, I was going to ask him tonight why he was so active on the . I couldn't believe someone with a male mate and a snarky attitude was able to befriend so many Catholic furs and I wanted to know what he was doing. And now I'll never know. I waited one night, one fucking night and I can't ask that question.

I can't believe it. I was with Mikhail at MFF just a week ago. I was talking to him, face to face a week ago. I met him in fucking person last Thursday. He had a deep voice and a perpetual accent, not surprising given he was from Scottland.

All I keep thinking about is "What is Derg going through?" Derg is Mikhail's mate and they really loved each other. They loved each other like I love Tom. And now he's gone. Just like that, twenty-four hours later Mikhail is gone. It doesn't feel real. This can't be, I keep waiting to hear someone say "Surprise, he's not dead!"

Tom and I did not get married at MFF, we were going to wait so our families could have a big church wedding to attend. Within the next month I will be correcting that mistake. I'm willing to wait until New Years, but I am going to marry the man I love. I am not waiting until tomorrow, if I do that then their might not be another tomorrow. What if tomorrow Tom or me got hit by a fucking bus? What then? Will I feel good for waiting? Of course fucking not, I'll feel miserable.

I've been worried about finding a new job, about having money, about getting some fucking limited edition comic box set? I'm fucking alive and Mikhail isn't. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Don't wait until tomorrow. Tell your mate you love them every day. If you fight, forgive each other before you leave each other. And never stop showing them you love them.

No you didn't misread that title. My PSN account got hacked and the hacker used a debit card I had on there to steal all the money I had in my checking account. I have next to none in savings due to the near constant bills I've had for my car, my teeth, my glasses and my health problems. So I am broke, so broke that I can't afford a tank of gas.

On the plus side I lost my job. Officially I haven't been fired. Unofficially, I have been on suspension for an entire month. And I was sick for a week. So my students as of yesterdat had spent more time with a substitute than with me. I am bored out of my mind with this, so much nothing is going on here. I'm being paid, sort of. You see, I lose half of my paycheck to pay for the substitutes. I also am losing another $400 a month to the program I "got" my licence from.

The incident with my job was I met with a woman from beginning teacher development who said she was here to help new teachers. I told her that a friend had told me "Your first year teaching will make you fifty-percent suicidal and fifty-percent homicidal". The woman in question took this to mean that I was wanting to hurt my children. Yes really. I also told her I was worried one of my students might hurt me or other students, after the student in question stuck a bloody tampon to my wall (again yes really) and had been sent to ISS multiple times for making threats against other students.

The beginning teacher woman took this to mean I was discriminating against her. So she got me suspended, I can't do my work and I can't keep my license. Why?

To keep my licence I need to be teaching. Can you see the problem? But hey, I can get by on $1100 a month. Also, I can't get another job while working this one, my contract requires me to get permission from the school district. The request was denied. So yeah, I'm broke, unemployed and my credit identity is floating around Malaysia.

I've had so many misfortunes in my life, especially over the last few years. Nothing major, rather a thousand small problems, just over and over again. I'm sick of it, I really am. But I'm going to dust myself off and keep going.

I'm looking for another program to get certified. After I do that, I am going to move out on my own. And after a year of teaching I am going to get my PhD in English. I am going to be Dr. Lizard, because I want that. It will make me happy to do that. I am going to get myself where I want to be, no matter how long it takes.

And it will take a long time. A very long time. I'll keep at it.

You know what's funny, when this happened in one day, my first thought was "I probably can't host a TSA bash in two years". Not having any money and my credit score now being in the crapper will do that to you. Before anyone offers me money, I can't accept it. My bank accounts are all frozen due to the identity theft.

It's going to be a long week. I'll keep going.

I decided a week later to make a follow up journal since I got a lot of people telling me there is no reason to be ashamed over my sexuality and I should embrace it and blah blah blah. I've heard the platitudes and the advice, I want people to understand just where my messed up perspective is coming from so you can see how I ended up in this place.

So where do I start? Well with most of my neurosis, let's start with my mental illness of choice. I suffer from what's known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD. What that means is I don't stop worrying. And since I know I have a tendency to exaggerate, let me make it very clear to everyone so you can understand, I never NEVER stop worrying. Right now I am worrying as I write this about what people will think and how long it's taking me to post and my weight and blah blah blah more blah.

If you wonder why my journals seem to ramble it's usually because I'm worrying so much I can't think straight.

Anyway, I live in North Carolina, where hearts are big and minds are small. NC has no protection for LGBT people, if you're fired for being gay, well it sucks to be you. Also, in my hometown I know of at least one teacher losing her job at a public school for being a lesbian, because the parents worried she might corrupt the children with the gay. Stuff like this is one reason why I say living in the South is a surreal experience. You've got one of the banking centers of the US in the same state where the KKK still holds rallies. This happened earlier today in sister state Tennessee, to emphasize how difficult living here can be: https://www.yahoo.com/huffpost/warr.....en-rights.html

So I can't exactly tell anyone at work. And while I know it's irrational to assume I'd lose my job due to my sexuality, but I've actually seen it happen. Add in my anxiety and you have a toxic cocktail which makes moving forward difficult. On the plus side, I can be open at home. Sure I can right?

Yeah let's discuss that for a moment. My parents are Southern Baptists. And a thousand different Southerners shivered in fear. My dad once told me that he believes that gay people will go to Hell because Jesus said so (I must have missed that verse, maybe it's in 3rd John). When my uncle came out as gay (not related by blood but my family had known him for thirty years) my parents cut all ties with him literally over night. My dad greets progress for gay people the same way one would a tidal wave.

But that's just my dad, what about my mom! Well she's even worse. I'm going to repeat an actual conversation I once had with her. "If you came out as...I mean if you...if you were...that....I'd find...I mean I would...or I'd try...I'd....I'd....I'd....thank God you're straight". The word she was looking for was "Love" as in she'd still love me.

Her inability to say she would I think says it all.

But hey, at least the furry fandom is open minded and accepting right? Yeah, within twenty-four hours of coming out, I lost five watchers. I've since lost five more, at least one person sending me a note specifically calling out me being "Part of the homo-propoganda." I also got a second note, this one from a gay furry...who told me I should feel ashamed for lying to people about my sexuality for years.

A writer once told me I was one of the best they'd seen at writing anxiety, obsession and mental illness for characters. Yeah their is a reason for that.

After last week a lot of people told me to embrace the positives of being gay. To which I respond, what positives? What has being gay ever done for me that's good? I could lose my job, would lose my family and my attempts to come out have been met with good friends but also with headaches from the supposedly open minded furry fandom. If I could change my sexuality I'd do so and not think twice about it.

Because frankly, it's made my life difficult and I don't need the headache.

I'm stressed out of my mind. I spoke to Beginning Teacher Development at school, and they talked to HR, then my principal and now I'n being forced to take a day against my will and I am utterly terrified. This is my fucking life, this is my life. It's my life how do I put up with this? The stress is beyond what I can handle, so I need to talk to someone ASAP.

And realizing I have all of this going through my mind, I'm scared of telling people what? That I realized I was gay? Fucking hell no.

A little back up. I'd been realizing for a while my feelings towards women were...mostly...or absolutely non-existent. And I realized in may the simple reason, I am gay. Have been my whole life. Just....really didn't want to be. Like really. Still don't. Can't help it.

I didn't want to be a fat fucking queer. But I don't have much choice in the matter. I...am not just a little bit. I'm utterly gay. And I lied for years.

And I am scared of saying that? Oh yes people here will be dick heads, they will be everywhere. But I am so stressed my principal forced me to take a day, one of the most humiliating moments of my life. I may be a first year teacher, but who needs THIS much help? Seriously, who needs so much help they're being taken out of their own class? Who hears that?

So if you want to focus on me coming out as gay, please note that I am stressed to the point the police came by because they thought I might be suicidal. Do not focus on me being gay when reading this. Focus on the man who is suffering, scared and desperately needs help. I need love and support right now or I wont make it.

Please talk to me.

Update: Five people have unwatched me since I posted this journal. I'm hoping it's a coincidence and not because of my depression or me coming out as gay. But I suspect the latter two.

So a few months ago I posted a stupid story called "An Observer in Circe's Funhouse" all things considered not the best story I've written. I was speaking to someone who really liked it, asking him if he wanted to know my opinion of how the story ends, beyond the ambiguous ending. I might as well share here.

The story ends with the main character leaving the park, growing a beaver tail and trying to decide if he leaves his friends and moves on with his life, or gets transformed and stays basically in a time warp. My opinion is that he'd leave the park, become fully human and move on with his life. That's just my opinion though, no more or less valid than anyone else's opinion.

But apparently it was offensive. The person I was speaking to responded by blocking me, deleting all messages between me and him and refusing to say just what the fucking hell I did that pissed him off so much. So to this I say "Fu-u-u-u-uck you." If you see this, I am not interested in speaking again. Because frankly, if you're that pissy over a story, what in the ever loving hell caused you to ask me about my opinion of how MY story ended? It was just an opinion!

I've been dwelling on a lot of personal crap lately, some of which  indagare encouraged me to share on my FA page, because the furry fandom is so open minded and loving and accepting and they stay crunchy in milk. If I've learned anything from this, it's that no the furry fandom is not open minded or tolerant at all. Why would they be? They're made up of people.

People suck, especially on the internet where they're constantly freaking out over the very idea that people might have an opinion that doesn't match theirs. I've been wanting to share some personal stuff for ages, but I am scared because I know that if I do someone will lose their damn mind and I won't be friends with them any more.

People online are like landmines,they can be set off very easily. I feel scared to share MY opinions on MY page, because I don't need to fight with someone over not thinking the same way they do. Ugh, this is such a mess. Maybe the internet is the problem and I need to be off of FA.

So I first taught in an actual "You are now being paid" classroom on August the 26th and after three weeks I love teaching, love the school and loathe with a firey burning passion the school system. The students have issues but even the worst ones I sympathize with more than get mad at. I want them to have lives as good as they deserve, I wonder how much of a difference that would make. My biggest issue at the school is I have a meeting every day, sometimes two (and tomorrow a whole THREE times that day!). So if that seems like you don't have a planning period or time to do grading, you'd be correct. I don't have time to do much of anything but rush from one meeting to another. It's a little exhausting.

In much the same was St. Peter's Cathedral is a bit ostentatious.

Today I had to go to another meeting, this one by the people who gave me my licence. To keep the licence I have more work to do and naturally I've already fallen way behind. I am so grateful that one of the people at the meeting brought up a point to the speaker, that we're working fourteen hour days and this can't continue. The speaker gave us some lame "I was a first year teacher once, I understand" BS, which just pissed off the audience. Especially when the woman in the crowd who first spoke up pointed out that "No, what I mean is we've got fourteen hour days BEFORE you dump extra work on us asshole." Okay that's not fair, the speaker was just trying to do his job.

But that doesn't make us any less tired.

Tomorrow I'll rush to school early (before the early meeting) to get my copies made so I can do a review with students who flat out won't do the work unless someone holds a gun to their heads. I can tell the students who are doing the work, they're the ones who either have gotten good grades or at least turned in the work. In contrast my biggest issue is students aren't turning the work in. I keep handing out zeros like popcorn, but nothing seems to work. Calling parents keeps making things worse.

I've also had six kids pulled from my class, had multiple write up forms flying out and one expulsion. Other than that, the long hours, the hour drive, the lack of sleep and the constant destruction of my class room it's an easy job. Plus in spite of the frustration it is a satisfying job, even if it feels like I'm not doing a lot I know something has to be getting through.

In furry news I am writing something, so that's good. Waiting to see if Comus finishes that furry tf sequence for me, we'll see. I am going to MFF with  rimme and others. I look forward to it, I'll get some new art and for once two new badges. I'm going to go ahead and make rat and seal me full fledged alternate fursonas, I feel like a rat most days lately anyway. Plus those tails are great.

Won't be posting much for a little while. This job is beating me like a drum. We'll see what happens.

That's what makes all the difference.
My brother is home for the weekend and if you're me, you hate my brother with a burning, seething resentment for him being a little jackass who takes things without asking, never got punished (but did get you punished) and was given a special treatment as he grew up. My brother is the son my parents always wanted. Masculine, into sports, math oriented, first job interview gave him a career, moved out before me, extremely confident in himself and well liked. Or from my perspective he's obnoxious, self-absorbed, arrogant, lucky in ways I can't dream of and favored over me. While I was keeping my mother from drowning in her own vomit, he was no where to be found, the little asswipe.

I learned my parents loved my brother more than me when I was 14. My mom informed me that I was just such a world class fuck up she was going to "wash her hands" of me. A few months later she told me her greatest regret was not aborting me when she had the chance. She was at the time on a major pill bender and my dad insisted she didn't mean it. Except, she did. The pills just removed her inhibitions.

The thing is what reinforced the idea my parents loved my brother more wasn't a big thing. It was all of the little things. Like asking him how his day went every day but never asking me and then accusing me of snapping at them. Telling my brother he can leave a job he hates and they'll support him while forcing me to work nights at Walmart so I "would learn some responsibility". Claiming they recognize how hard I'm working for my teacher certification, while also constantly telling me everything I've got going on can wait and I need to do what they want now.

Constantly telling my brother he could have a future making movies, while telling me writing is too risky and it would be a waste to try.

My tf stories, hell my non-tf stories, almost always involve characters trying to escape something. They almost always are distant from their families and frustrated by bad hands life keeps dealing them. Have I fucked up in life? Christ in Heaven yes, it took me years to figure out what I wanted to do. I can be flat out mean and my anxiety leads me to make stupid decisions I regret long term. I constantly worry about pushing people away only to push them away when trying not to. I'm so jealous of other people I have vile, borderline evil thoughts about friends from time to time.

But that doesn't mean I deserve any of this stuff.  vrraven says my family uses me for an emotional punching bag. And Noir I must say you are a wolf among men, and completely correct. My parents claim they love each other. They don't. they despise each other. But they do what most Southern people do when they hate each other, pretend they don't and take out their frustrations on someone else, so long as the surface looks good. Remember as long as you look happy then it's as good as being happy.  matthiasrat you must tell me sometime what it's like to be a parent who loves your spouse and child. Is it as wonderful as it seems?

I'm right now just trying to get through my certification and then escape. I am still going to get my PhD, not because I need it but because I want it and my parents told me that it would be a waste and pointless. First of all "bringing me joy" isn't pointless, it has the point that it would make me happy. It would be proof I'm not the idiot you guys have tried to convince me I am. People wonder, "Why are you such a know it all?" Because my family has drilled into me I know zilch, so by God I'm going to prove them wrong.

I could have spent this weekend at AC with  rimme, , and others I'm too exhausted to list. But I'm going to spend the weekend here with my family, so I can focus on getting the hell out of here. I'm dragging my belly across a razor's edge, crawling, bleeding and surviving.

I'm writing this so tired that it feels like my bones have been removed. As of Monday I've been in a Teacher Preparation Program. I don't want to be a teacher my whole life, but I want away from my family, so whatever it takes I'll do it. I've been working pretty much non-stop since Monday and I'll be working without a day off until a week from tomorrow. All for a program that might not even pay out. But if I don't do something I'll crack, I have to get them out of my life.

My family incidentally informed me that when I get a teaching job I should keep living at home with them and just commute to work, because I won't find a roommate and won't be able to live alone. Here's the thing, they never say things as harsh as I do. But you start to notice patterns in things they say. Like how they expect you to fail, think you're never grateful and always assume you'll be poor. I want to stay in NC, I love the state and know it can be better than it is. But I don't know if I can stay if they're going to try to run my life no matter where I am.

I've been feeling depressed of late. There are so many things I want to still do, that I've wanted to already accomplish and that I couldn't do because I've spent years fighting with my parents and STILL not getting anywhere. Stubbornness runs in my family to the point that we could all be Wheel of Time characters. When I finally get away will I be able to do those things I wanted to do? Or will I have to just settle like my family always insisted I would? I don't know the answer.

For now I'm just surviving one day at a time. I'm tired, can't write due to sleep deprivation and work, so all stories from me are on hold until I can get things under control. I want this to work out, I wish more due to passion than anything else. But I'm so burned out by this house and by my parents what else can I do? I need work that will keep me far away from them.

This morning I was going through my news feed on my cellphone. I learned on there the kids show Arthur apparently had had a gay wedding on that. Except that's not how I found out. No instead I got to see claims that the "gay mafia" is brainwashing small children, and some networks in NC supposedly refused to air the episode. While I can't prove that's true, it wouldn't be the first time it happened if it was. What struck me was just how proud they sounded. Some of the commentators online defended this action. claiming that they were "protecting the morals of kids" and "protecting them from the wrong kind of thinking".

When thinking becomes wrong it's a sign something else has gone wrong.

In other news NC is holding elections in District 9, a district that was tainted by voter fraud on the part of Republican Mark Harris. Mark Harris, should you ever read this, I want you to know I consider you a vile human being and a pox on the human race. You are an unrepentant bigot and a disgrace to Christianity. While I won't argue your right to preach, I will argue no one should ever listen to you.

Mark Harris was almost sent to Washington, despite believing that women had only one purpose in life "Serving", that homosexuality should be criminalized again and claiming Judaism and Islam were tools of the devil. I don't know which god he serves, but my God is merciful. I know this because Harris got caught engaging in voter fraud. (On a much more frustrating note, Harris might have won the election legit, the votes that they confirmed were gained by fraud wasn't enough to sway the election the other way.).

My state almost sent a man endorsed by literal hate groups to Washington. And today they may nominate one again. While we apparently don't care about sending people endorsed by hate groups to Washington, we do care about gay cartoon characters. Our country is going down the tubes and we're whining about gays on TV.

At this point that's like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

We live in the age or arrogance. In a world where things are changing and by God we're going to fight that every step of the way. It's a world where we respond to hate with more hate, then are confused by the rise of more hate groups. We've seen things aren't working out the way we're trying them, whether it be in the economy, the government or in our daily interactions with other people, yet we keep trying them anyway. Just because it isn't working now doesn't mean it won't suddenly start working later!

At Fur the More they had ribbons for people to wear reading "Nazi Furs Fuck Off". in seeing those I was upset. Not because I sympathize with Nazi furs, but because we're going about fighting them the wrong way. We're fighting them by being hostile, aggressive and not allowing them to speak. Or to put it another way, we're feeding their victim mentality, showing them that it's okay to attack because we'll attack them, and giving them a bigger megaphone by trying to shut them up.

Seeing the upset at that stupid cartoon got me thinking about this again. Because the way we're approaching Nazi furs is the way we're dealing with these same problems on a larger scale. We're not trying to empathize with these people, we're telling them they're hate mongers and bigots. And we're right, at least in many cases. But throwing how awful they are in there faces is not solving anything.

The reason those stations refused to show the gay episode is because they morally believe it's the right thing to do, but also because they have people out there cheering them on. People who have been called bigot, homophobe, racist etc and been told their way of life is going away. I believe that way of life deserves to die. But I also believe that we're making things worse for ourselves with how we're dealing with it now.

We're fighting there hate with our own hate, and we're creating a big mess where bigots end up in congress and cartoons create moral panics. Hate groups are on the rise and we're all at each other's throats. So what do we do?

My favorite science fiction show of all time is Farscape, possibly the most creative work I've ever seen. There's a moment everyone on the show remembers, from the pilot. Chriton and soon to be ex-Peacekeeper Aeryn Sun are fleeing from her former commanders. Aeryn says she can't go with them, she's a solider, nothing else. Chriton tells here though "You can be more."

I think that's true of us as a species. We can be more. We don't have to respond to things we don't understand with fear. We don't have to respond to those who hate us with more hate. I mentioned earlier the Nazi Furs Fuck Off ribbon troubled me. As someone in a same-sex relationship I know that Nazi furs would not like me. And if I was around one who was ranting and letting me have it for being who I am, I'd want to punch them in the stomach.

But I also know that won't solve anything. So if I could resist my instinct, I'd do something else. I'd invite them to come to dinner with me, I'd pay for the meal. The only thing they'd have to do is tell me about themselves and let me do the same thing. Hate is born from fear. On the one side it's the fear of change. On the other side it's the fear of changing back.

I'm well aware that the members of hate groups have nothing to fear, no one is stopping them from living there life as they see fit. On the flip side I have legitimate reason to fear. Mark Harris, that man we almost sent back to Washington, believed that homosexuals should be subject to the rules of Leviticus. I live in a state where someone openly hopes for me to die. But by the same token, that's why change has to start with me and the other victims.

We as a species can be more. We can love them as much as they hate us. We can invite them to learn about us, we'll learn about them too. We can show them they have nothing to fear and stop them from hating us. We can be more. I know what you're thinking "I've suffered actual physical violence at the hands of these people, you want me to forgive them?"

What I want is irrelevant, if you don't want to that's fine, no judgement. I'm just making an argument on how things can change. I want to create a future where there is no more fear. Where worries about race, religion, gender, sex and in time nationality all fade away into the foggy mists of time. I believe love and forgiveness are the start. We can't win everyone over, but we can take there bite away. There will always be a few committed bigots, but we can ignore them. We're bigger than that. Instead of responding with anger, we can respond with love or just not respond at all. They'll look foolish and in time they too will fade away.

Maybe I'm too naive, but I don't think so. I believe we can be more.

So there have been a few changes in my life. Specifically I moved from Illinois back to NC. I assure you this was not an easy choice to make,  rimme can attest to that. I got admission into a program to become a teacher in NC without having to go back to school. Specifically to teach science, not English. Frankly, being sick of hating my jobs and hating the people I'm around, plus not knowing stability, made taking the chance an easy decision. I missed NC, but boy oh boy did I not miss my parents. I had to think a long time about it. Rimme told me I needed to take it, so I did.

Well after being informed I could attend a job fair for people in this teaching program, I packed up everything and headed out with Seneca. And not Rimme. He's waiting behind until I figure out my next move. This is not what I wanted to be doing, in fact I still have something else I'm planning to do (this is the announcement I alluded to in a past journal. Sadly it's on hold for the time being). For now I try to get certified and experience. After that I'll figure it out.

The job fair was a disaster. Originally it was for those without experience but they chose to open it to EVERYONE with teacher certification. Guess who didn't stand out in that equation? Yeah I didn't get anything. In fact the first person I handed my resume to tossed it in the trash in front of me, then used the lame excuse of "That's where the resumes for people in the Intern program go". They go in the trash, good to know.

Beyond that I've been stuck back in my room at home with my gecko and most of my stuff still packed. And my parents, again my parents. I don't know how quite to express it, but they get to me. I always feel self conscious. And I think though I finally know why.

I gave up video games for Lent, an utterly miserable experience that meant I didn't have a crutch to use when feeling depressed. But it did at least force me to think about why I need games so much. Before I get into that though I want to tell another story.

As anyone who read my last story knows  born2beagator and I are taking commissions, having written four stories in a month. Everyone one has been popular thus far if a bit on the long side. Lots of praise, lots of notes talking about how much people like them, and it made me happy to see people like them. And then got another note yesterday, thanking him and "the other writer" for writing it. The story was my idea, so that really stung.

It made me think though. In my house I'm the other child. My parents made it clear to me they love my brother more than me. Between my mom telling me that I need "special help" he didn't and threatening to wash her hands of me, to my dad getting him an internship even after he refused to fill out the paper work for it.

Now that Easter has rolled around we're at my grandmother's house (RIP grandpa). Here I'm the other grandchild. When I was fourteen I walked in on my grandparents talking about how much of a dismal and pathetic failure I was compared to my cousin. And when my grandfather died he only asked my cousin to speak at his funeral, not me or my brother.

No matter what I do, it won't be enough here. I could be the first writer on Mars and I'd still not measure up to my family. From as long as I can remember my failure wasn't something tangible, but something abstract. I fail because I am a failure. Even if I succeed they've so marked me as "failure" that there is nothing I can do about it.

Sitting through dinner tonight I felt like I was sitting outside, watching another family eat. I hate spending time with my family, for me it's my own personal hell. I'm stuck with people for whom I will never measure up.

Do you know why I play so many video games? Or constantly work on ambitious projects? Or never quit educating myself on new subjects? Because after being raised in this environment I have to win at something. For my own mental health I have to know I am good at something. Even if it's just games or tf stories, I want to be recognized for my own accomplishments.

"If you're so upset about being ignored, why not bring it up?" Yeah I've been asked that before. The answer is because I don't want pity. I want people to acknowledge my accomplishments. I want people to want to be around me, not because they feel they have to be. But even though I do have friends, I still feel...worthless I suppose. I don't know if it'll ever be enough.

I'm not writing this because I have a solution, because I don't. I just have some more understanding. As truly miserable Lent was at least I got something out of it, so that counts for something. For now I'll keep working on finding work. As soon as I can I need to determine what to do with my family.

I'm supposed to forgive those who sin against me. But I don't know if I can forgive my parents. And I don't know how to get over my anger towards the rest of my family. I don't know what to do and I wish I did.

In positive news a drawing  matthiasrat posted gave me an idea for a commission and you know I'm going to go for it when I can. For now though I'll have to endure. For now I am the Other Writer. Maybe one day I'll be the writer people search out. We'll see.

 jackthelizard and  born2beagator are now open for commissions. How many we'll take is still being determined so if you want one you had better grab it up now while it's still available. As B2BaG pointed out to me, we've done three stories in seventeen days and put out 100,000 words in just under a month together. We have one last story coming out soon. We're absolutely capable of doing this and doing it well.

The price for a commission will be $20 for every 5,000 words, roughly every ten pages. After you've given us an idea and a word count we will work from there. Any amount B2BaG and I go over will be free to you. You only pay for what you ask for, not a cent more. I think that's very important to clarify.

Now, what we will do. We're obviously transformation writers, so that's what we're focused on. We can do it with or without heavy mind control and mental transformation, just specify when you tell us what you want from us. Adult scenes can happen but those will have to be discussed with B2BaG instead of me. All species are allowed though those with larger tails are preferred. If you want to see something specific in the story you must tell us before we begin writing.

We will contact you as we write, we'll give you a sample of each 5000 words as we produce them. This way you can be kept up to date and aware of how your story is progressing. Please voice concerns to us, otherwise we won't know if their is an issue or not. Never be afraid to contact us, we want to hear from you.

What we won't do: No explicit porn. An adult scene is one thing, no full on pornographic stories. Adult scenes have to flow with the story. No scat or water sports. If that's your thing fine, but I can't write them. No hyper, for pretty much the same reason. No vore, neither of us is good at it anyway. Finally, no underage characters in sexual situations. We'll transform kids, but that's it.

If you have any questions or want to commission please contact either me or B2BaG. We look forward to hearing from you.

So this time we left on Wed 23rd, and yes I do mean we.  rimme was with me and we were both headed to  vrraven's house. And when we arrived we were both beat. Rimme from having driven, me from this being my first day back after being sick with a bad virus. Yes I got over a virus the day before leaving for Fur the More, some people have all the luck. Anyway I was glad to see Noir and the eternally vigilante BarkBark there to greet us.

Noir's house was awesome as usual but damn did I have trouble getting to sleep. I must have spun a circle on that bed. I have no idea why I couldn't sleep, it's not like this was my first Fur the More. Whatever. Anyway the next day we all got up early, packed the fursuits and we were off to Fur the More. The theme this year was 007: Furry Never Dies. Crappy movie but a good theme for a James Bond fan like myself.

The theme also gave me an idea for a story that I managed to get published in the conbook. Yay me.

We arrived early at the hotel for the first time...ever, though we did first stop off for lunch at this bakery Noir and I discovered in 2017. This place is called the Classic Bakery, and oh my God their food is so good. Next year  furthemore is moving to a new hotel and a new city. I have no doubt Noir and I will make a special trip for this place.

Anyway since we were early for once it made sense the hotel didn't have our room ready. Noir, Rimme and I played Bloodborne for a while (the board game) and were up in our room for once on time. We even were able to get a fridge without too much trouble. It took four years but the Tyson's Corner Sheraton was finally a well oiled machine. And naturally this is the last year FtM is with them. Because of course it is.

After getting into the room nobody wanted to suit, so Rimme and I taught Noir how to play Feast for Odin. A great board game and if you get the chance do try it. And we also spoke to several people, including the attendee guest of honor Leon James Wülfe. I do know that I could not remember any of the names of anyone I spoke to. That becomes a running problem throughout the week.

Anyway, after dinner everyone was more or less beat, so it was off to the room to collapse in several heaps. The next day though things would be different. After a slow start I won't get into it was time for Noir and Rimme to suit. Noir had recently acquired a suit of leather armor. Though I have several pictures of it I have not posted any since I feel Noir should be the first one to post a picture of him in it at FtM.

Rimme and Noir suited for a while in the dealers den. Rimme got to hug  hindpaws who made his suit and Noir got to show off his armor to Heimdall, so that was awesome. They had a lot of fun and I had a lot of fun following them. I also managed to commission a badge from  jenkiwi who ended up making a very good frilled lizard.

My only issue was I had no idea what kind of art to get at this con. I've done frilled lizards in just about every serious pose you can think of, in fact a lot of the art I've gotten has never been posted. I wanted to do something different. As I passed by a table being run by  glowsheep and I saw some amazing seals, I was struck by inspiration. I wanted to get artwork of the other two animals I was considering for my fursona. I commissioned him for a seal and Studio Bliz for a rat.

After that Rimme, Noir and I went to the game room, which I am proud to report was still cold enough to chill mercury. We managed to play two games of Bloodborne with four people who'd not played before but a few of whom had played the video game. Guys if you read this please let me know so I can tag you, it was awesome to play with you all. Also they agreed with me, the Orphan of Kos was bullshit. I won the first game and lost miserably on the next one. Rimme was on team evil the second time, IE he rolled the dice of death.

That night Noir ran his fursuit maintenance panel while I sat in the front checking the time. He always makes having a suit seem simultaneously like the most work and the most fun you could possibly have. Maybe in the future, but not yet. I hope everyone who attended got a lot out of it. I also hope Noir does it again next year, I think this panel is very helpful to people.

After that came a quick dinner followed by a Mustelids Panel that Rimme wanted to attend. This panel had issues, it was too quiet and too disorganized. I loved the guy running it and I loved that their were a variety of slinky things, but they needed something else. I dunno what, maybe more engagement between the fuzzbutts. Either way I was glad Rimme got to hang out with other creatures that go "dook".

In keeping with the spy theme Fur the More had an escape room. We got to participate in it along with three other people, one of whom had already completed it. This event was one of my proudest moments because the final puzzle in the room was an analytic reasoning puzzle. This is something I'm fantastic in. If I'd have had confidence in my answer we could have finished the entire room in 35 minutes. As it stands we finished in 45 but still, much faster than most other people.

After that it was back to bed. You can tell it's a good con when you're dragging yourself back to the room. Before bed I watched a video that always put my mind at ease. I needed that ease too, tomorrow was my panel.

I have no idea why running a panel (which i've now done four times) puts me on edge but for some reason it does. Another year, another All Things Great and Scaled. But this year with a twist! It was held one hour before people had to line up for the Fursuit pictures and parade. Can you see the issue? Yeah my panel with a few exceptions ( comus showed up for it) was a ghost town. I had to let it out ten minutes early so suiters could get to the zoo to line up.

Note to self, next year request it be on Friday or early Sunday.

I video recorded the whole parade, making sure to get every fursuiter who marched in it. By the time I was done my arm was numb and I was ready to fall over. But I could tell and had had a lot of fun. After it ended the two of them goofed off with other suiters for a while and I took pictures, most of which are now in my gallery. If you see yourself please tell me. Rimme already helped me identify  skyf0x, I have no doubt we can find everyone else.

That evening brought another game of Bloodborne (lost miserably) and the chance for me to introduce Noir to Sentinels of the Multiverse. One of the other attendees had brought his copy. We played against Iron Legacy, and anyone who owns Sentinels knows this was a death sentence. I thought so too. Until we won. It was a hard fought battle (I played as Captain Cosmic, rarely a good choice) but we won.

After that it was off to werewolves. The first game was run by  fatalglory128 and was pretty small. I was stuck as not only a werewolf but one of the lovers. So I did the only thing I could do, lied to everyone about being the seer until I had enough people dead to be declared the winner. We then played another game run by the guy who usually does it, this one much larger.

Amazingly I didn't die in this one. The werewolves had apparently been huffing paint because the seer identified himself after one turn and still wasn't killed. They said later they had wanted to do something unexpected. Well they succeeded I can say that. Even though I won this game too I still find werewolves to just be dull. I don't know what it is that bugs me.

Sunday again I couldn't sleep, so I spent the final day of the con in a haze. I picked up my rat picture and my badge, Rimme got his fursuit badge, and we mostly just killed time until the inevitable. I found out that the theme for next year is Space, so I've got a whole year to figure out an original story in space. The drive home was sad and for me rather depressing. But it had to happen.

Another Fur the More, possibly the best one I've been too. And after it all was said and done I found out that Alt-Right Furs are trying to shut down FtM because they were offended by the pronoun ribbons that were being handed out. Jesus Christ in Heaven...

I'll be writing about dealing with Nazi Furs very soon. For now I just want to wish everyone who was at Fur the More thanks for being there, hope to see you next year.

I've been studying hard for a pair of upcoming tests. I don't plan to get into the details yet, but they're difficult and will be coming sooner than I wish. Still they must be done, so do them I shall. I am working as well as I can. I'll be returning to NC in June, temporarily with my family but thankfully only temporarily until I am moved into a new place. I wasn't originally going to announce that yet but I might as well now. I'll give more information as I am able to. I ask for all who believe in God, a god, or the human spirit to pray for me that I will able to get what I want. I know what I want, but I won't be sharing yet.

I've been working on a story for quite a while. I'm hoping to finish the first draft before Fur the More. In more positive news I'll be running my reptile panel at the con and I got my story in the con book. Admittedly I thought I would, it's a silly story but I knew it fit their criteria. Still knowing something of mine will be read by people always makes me happy.

Now today as Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent and I decided to give up video games. Last year I gave up FA, that wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. It also was what told em that games are much more important to my life than being a furry. As such it seems best that I try to give them up. And I can already tell this is going to be much harder.

I'm just intensely bored. But I'm trying to view this as an opportunity. And a reminder, a hobby should pass time, not fill it. So instead I am trying to write and read more, study more, and just in general do more to fill the hours I will now have free. It's going to be an adjustment, but one that is probably for the best.

This time next Wed  rimme and I will be at  vrraven house, getting ready for our trip the next day to Fur the More. I really need it right now. The people at work have been more idiotic and since I'll be quitting that job soon I just do not care. In fact all I can think is that before this job I was neither a liar nor a thief, and now that is not true. My only hope is that the next time their is a major terrorist attack in this country the only victims will be the people who run my company, because that'st he only way those a-holes will amount to anything.

Beyond that I had a rather terrible incident where a white supremacist told me not to drink bottled water because the government was using it to turn us all gay (Yes really) and where a life long drug dealer told me I didn't have real people problems like he did because I'd never been to prison. I also didn't sell weed to an undercover cop like a moron. I know I should sympathize....actually no. No I shouldn't. If you sold weed to an undercover cop and you go to prison, that's the way the world should work.

I've been very depressed lately. I'm trying to work through it but it's not easy. I just feel like I'm trapped in a Hindu infinity knot. I want to both have a job I like and a job that will pay the bills and actually allow me to earn a decent living. And it seems like those two are perpetually at odds. I had to leave my parents house to finally begin living, that's how controlling they were. And now that I'm out here I am finally able to see all the possibilities out here. And what drives me nuts is I had to wait so long.

I believe age is just a number, but it still angers me how much time I lost. I have to make that up.

Facts trump opinions. They trump your Facebook post. They trump that one story you might have heard from that guy you "sorta" know. And they trump $40 plastic strips you stick to the back of a cellphone.

Let me back up.

Walmart lets vendors set up stands selling things and demonstrating how products work in their stores. In exchange Walmart gets a cut of the profit. If you've ever seen someone demonstrate how a sandwich maker works in one of these stores, you've seen these people. I show up to sell phones and I find a vendor set up near by. What was he selling you ask?

Why he was selling a "Patent pending" miraculous way of protecting your brain from the radiation caused by cellphones! At this I face palmed, for many many reasons. But yes, for only $40 you too can buy a six pack of "radiation absorption devices" that absorb radiation from cellphones and "keep you from getting a brain tumor! Or a heart attack!"

Yeah if you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and cancer it's probably time to head back to med school.

I went over to speak to him because...well I had to. The bullshit was piling up so fast I was scared he'd bury me alive. I asked a few questions, most notably how does he know cellphones cause brain cancer? Because they don't. At all. But he had a response. I should mention that people were here watching this. The conman told me "They cause radiation, radiation gives you cancer!"

So does tar but you don't see us tearing up our roads. Radiation is so common in our lives we call it background radiation for just that reason. I tried to explain how radiation works, how their are different types, but one of the customers watching us interrupted. First, he accused me of selling cancer. I must admit, of all the things I've been accused of that's a new one. Second, he told me he'd seen a video once of someone using cellphone radiation to pop popcorn! He saw it on Facebook so it must be true.

I actually snapped at that point and said to him "My facts beat up your Facebook!" I don't even know what that means.

Another person told me that her mother..or aunt...or cousin I wasn't paying attention, got cancer and they used their cellphone a lot, doesn't that prove that the two are connected? No dumbass, you are confusing correlation with causation. By this point in time I'd completely lost control of the situation so I gave up. I did however ask to see one of the magic anti-cancer sticks.

Now I'd love to share a picture with you but I was not allowed to take them. What a fucking surprise. I can tell you however that it was just a strip of plastic with a logo embossed on it and a piece of magnetic tape on the back. It probably cost $2 to make these things and he was selling six packs for $40. He's charging idiots $40 for magic beans.

I let him do it. I gave up and let him make a good deal of money off his dowsing rods and fairy dust. Because that's all they are. Those sticks don't protect against cancer, they protect against magic. They absorb bad juju and presumably stop the camera from stealing your soul. Fucking hell why were people listening to this guy? He was an out and out snake oil salesman and they bought it.

I did learn something important though. I'm in the wrong market. The real money is made in selling magic sticks to morons. That's something I suppose.

I am going to try and leave as many names out as possible.

So yesterday at work I was running a phone application for a customer. They wanted an Samsung S8, their credit was crap and I was trying to see just what I could get for them. The woman who I was dealing with was an older woman, Caucasian and with a mullet. Yes really, it was as 80s as you would expect it to be. She smelled like cigarettes and kept talking to me as I worked. And then, she gestured to two clients behind us, buying a phone card. A Muslim woman and someone I think was her husband. She gave me a look and asked "You guys like towel head sand niggers in here?"

I almost dropped the phone. I paused the transaction and went to get a supervisor, because I really did not like hearing this. I found the Electronic's Department manager. They asked me three questions. I. Are they paying? (Yes) II. Did they say this to another customer? (No) III. Why are you bothering me with this?

Because insulting your customers and being an asshole really isn't behavior we should encourage? I just sighed and got back to work. But while I was working I noticed something, something that bugged me. The woman was wearing a cross.

I don't wear a cross for several reasons. The biggest one is I wouldn't want to be anyone's go to example of a Christian, believe me I am not what you should be thinking of when you think Christian. But for those who do wear one, you're wearing your faith. You are a representative of the Gospel, you are a representative of Christ.

And you show the love of Christ by spewing hatred and crap. That's what offended me the most of anything, how dare you wear the symbol of my faith. You are not a Christian. I don't know what the hell you are, but Christ was not you. But as I kept listening to her nonsense, it made me more reflective.

I spoke to  indagare about this today, about how much it bothered me. He encouraged me to write this journal. The nonsense I had to listen to from this woman is the same kind of shit I have to hear when pastors buy cars instead of donating money to the poor, or preach the Prosperity Gospel. None of it supported Biblicaly, or logically. This hypocrisy is what turns people against Christianity, acting like you have a moral high ground when you're standing in a sink hole.

By now this woman had started telling me that God had rewarded her because she lived well and that's why she was getting a new phone (she failed her credit app). As I pointed out to Indagare, that thinking is...so alien to me I couldn't understand it. Again, it's that nonsensical Prosperity Gospel I mentioned earlier, the idea that everything you do is right because you are a Christian and God will shower you with material goods for being good.

As well all know Christianity is all about immediate rewards. That's why our Savior came to Earth driving a Bently.

Jesus was a homeless street preacher who believed in selling all you owned to the poor, ate with sinners and the unclean and let all come to him. If you can't do the same, please don't try representing him.

I needed a vacation pretty badly. After weeks of poor treatment, long hours, a blizzard, low pay and frustration with Illinois, I needed a change of some kind. In fact I was so ready to leave for MFF I told  rimme that we would leave at 9 pm on Wednesday when I got off work. And we did. And the trip was uneventful except for that moment we spun off the road due to snow.

I really should have asked for that Wednesday off.

Anyway we arrived just after Midnight and made it to our room before passing out. And out is the key word, I usually am awake before 7 am. Next day it was just before 10. I was beat. But the next day I was awake. I used the time to get some desperately needed writing done, being unable to focus after some of the crap I had to put up to at work. and I went over to the convention center where MFF would be held.

One thing I need to emphasize is how important MFF was to me. When I left NC I had....pretty much no safety nets. is wonderful but he can't be expected to support my fat ass. I basically was leaching off of him while trying to find a way to afford living here. I came here without any connections, any money or even a job. And I had to rebuild myself from the ground up. The fact I've done that at all is in and of itself impressive.

But it's also scary, scary stressful and scary depressing because you live in fear of failure and being forced back home. So to give myself something to look forward to  rimme and I planned to attend MFF at the end of the year, as a sort of celebration of getting here. And it was one of the few things keeping me going. Just knowing I had something to look forward to helped me so much.

So now I was here. It was cold, damp, the con was spread out over more distance than I expected and their were furries everywhere. Yes at a furry convention, I know right!? The first day there was mostly just people arriving, none of whom I knew. I had had a surprisingly fun conversation that morning with  istanbul but did not have anything like that again when arriving.

What I did get were lots and lots of fursuiters who were everywhere. They all swarmed around us as we walked by. In one fun case and I sat down and six fursuiters came around my chair to have a conversation with each other, seemingly not noticing the person they had furred up. Still I had a lot of fun. Just being around furries made me happier. And after a while and I decided to go and wait in line for registration.

Now here's the thing.  midwestfurfest can't do lines. They really can't. We waited in line for three damn hours because the staff couldn't keep people moving. People would move in and out of line without any organization because their was no organization. And even getting your damn badge had been turned into a two step process because when people are tired of standing in line, the best thing to do is to make them jump through more friggin hoops.

By the time we were done and I were starving so we went and got McDonalds. It's at this point I should mention that both  heavensteed and  gato909 were flying in that night to join us at the con. got in early and got in late, but they both got in. That's the important thing. The other important thing is that no matter how tired I was the day before it didn't come close to just how friggin tired I was that night. I literally remember very little beyond how soft that pillow felt.

The next day I discovered the joy of trying to get four people to a con when all four of them have different time zones as their default and two of them are so tired you should consider yourself lucky you're not wheeling them into the convention hall. We got there at about noon, or just after noon, after one quick stop for lunch. and got to experience the joy of the line while and I went into dealer's den.

You know those sushi restaurants with conveyor belts that move dishes of food around constantly? That's what it felt like being in the dealers den at this con. If you stopped for a moment the rush of people would knock you over. Trying to even find an artist was a pain simply because it was so crowded you couldn't move. I had wanted a commission from  kacey but I couldn't even find her until the final day of the con because of how full the room was and how difficult moving was. I really can't emphasize it enough, this was bad.

But I managed to get a badge and get two pieces, one of me writing and one of a project I'm working on. would go in and out but eventually settled on getting two badges, one of his awesome weasel self and one of his roo fursona Tucker. He has yet to get his delivered but when they arrive I'm sure he'll post them.

Anyway sadly missed the Mustliede panel, which I admit I wish that hadn't happen. Getting to share your love for an animal time is always very fun. and joined us after finally getting their badges picked up. We spent a lot of time just talking, hanging out, wandering around, and playing a board game together. I talked everyone into trying Room Party, though I admit I wish we had had more people.

After that had to go back to the hotel to work on school work. , and I went and saw a Fox and Peppers concert. First we had to wait in a line that stretched through several hallways with no indication where the line started, because again MFF doesn't know how lines work. The concert wasn't bad but it wasn't really my thing. And they kept doing skits in their concert, which were deeply deeply unfunny. A few of the songs worked, like singing O' Holy Night in Navajo.

Once the concert ended I wanted to go to a panel at 11. returned to us, but he, and were all tired. And that's one thing of attending a Con with three other people. If they want to go back you can either be a dick and refuse, or just accept it and keep everyone having a good time. I wanted to stay but I also wanted people to enjoy themselves, so I went back with them.

Anyway Saturday was a bit slow going as well but we did make it there earlier and at a different parking garage. It was closer to the dealers den, and I got to pick up my badge so I was happy. Today was the big day, the day of the Fursuit Menagerie. I do not have a fursuit obviously. But does and by God was he going to use it. was very excited to go and he and I got to discuss some of the joys of fursuiting. I really enjoyed that conversation.

In the next few days I'll be posting pictures I took there but needless to say I took a lot of pictures. Fursuiters were everywhere. And I loved Menagerie's so much more than parades. It means I get to interact with the suiters, instead of just having to wave as they walked by. rimme got into several photo shoots, most notably with the group Roo Suiters. Roo Suiters were not Kangaroo Suiters, but the suit maker so rimme got his picture taken by people he had nothing to do with.

Ooops.

After the menagerie we played another board game, in this case Pandemic Iberia, and spent most of our time just talking and enjoying free soda. With all the panels left being either 18+ or just plain stupid we had no reason to go to any more. gato909 pulled out his guide and the four of us planned out what we would do the next day. The first thing up was morning Mass.

So remember my journal? Well their were several Catholic Churches near us, and naturally rimme, gato909 and I went to the closest one, All Saints church. My friends took communion but all through out the service something felt...wrong. Well after we left the service I googled the name of the Church and discovered it was a Polish National Catholic Church, not in communion with Rome. And because rimme and gato909 took communion there, they were briefly excommunicated.

So yeah, my fault on that one. gato909 after speaking to his priest got confirmation that he and rimme would be fine since they didn't do so willingly. But yeah not my proudest moment. After that we went over to the con again. Here we met up with heavensteed who purchased a piece of horse art, truly beautiful. I hope he will post a picture.

First up on the agenda was going with heavensteed to the Hoofer Panel. It's at this point that I realized how bloody stupid it is that a con the size of MFF didn't have a reptile panel. They had multiple ones for canines but lizards are left out in the cold. And we don't like the cold, we enter brumation in the cold!

We ate lunch and then went to the Fursuit Dance competition. I've been to multiple cons and always been curious about these competitions. Some of the dancers were quite good and some seemed like they were stumbling back and forth across the stage. I admit I think the competition was a little too long for its own good, since most of the dancers started to run together. Also, a couple got engaged in the middle. So that happened. Everyone had a good time, gato909 especially. Also the line to get in was a complete mess, with people walking in front of us just because they could. MFF really can't do lines.

After that rimme and I taught our two companions how to play cribbage. gato909 enjoyed it but heavensteed was pretty quiet throughout. I was too. I was thinking about going back tomorrow, having to rejoin my job I don't like at a place I loathe. One thing I had discussed with rimme was I need to work towards something again, not just writing but something to improve my personal life. And I decided on what. I don't feel like sharing yet, but I will eventually.

After that was time for closing ceremonies. I've been to one opening ceremonies before, with  vrraven at Fur the More 2017. It was cheesy, stupid and unintentionally funny when they wanted to be serious but it was fun. The closing ceremonies I expected to be sad or emotional. Aside from raising an admittedly amazing amount of money for charity (furries fix everything) it was too damn long.

To celebrate a successful con, the four of us decided to go to a Chinese Restaurant I had found out about after working for five days at a place called Focus Services. The job was awful, mostly about trying to sign up people who didn't speak English for services they didn't need. But in that time I found a place called Minghin Cuisine, listed as the best Chinese Restaurant in IL.

We had a long trip and it was in the rain, not making everything better. But we arrived and gato909 to celebrate all the fun we had ordered several appetizers and we each ordered a meal. And my God was the food good. It was the best Chinese I had ever had. Just thinking about it makes your mouth water, you must try it if you ever go to MFF. That should be how every furry ends their con, go to Minghin Cuisine and order Roasted Pork Belly with bubble tea. The Rangoon is also amazing.

After that though it was time for our last night. We stayed up a little while talking, but we all headed to bed pretty quickly. heavensteed had to get on a shuttle at 5 am. gato909 had to be dropped off at noon after learning to play Sagrada. And rimme and I had to drive home, no matter how much neither of us wanted to.

After it was all said and done I wasn't disappointed. Given how much I built this up in my head that is amazing. But here's the thing, I go to two cons a year tops. If I went to more they'd be less special. I will be next going to Fur the More with vrraven next year. I'll be hosting a reptile panel. Four months between now and then. I should find a way to enjoy my time, and to work hard.

I had a lot of fun. Maybe we'll go back next year, maybe not. I do know this con was everything I needed. Even if I briefly got my friends excommunicated.

Last few days I have been sick as a dog, one last gift from my now ex-partner at work. May she never see me again. As of right now I am trying to psyche myself up to go out and sell again. While sick all I've been thinking about is what to do after this job. I want to be a teacher, because I think that will work well with my talents. But all the while I hear in my ears the words of my parents, you don't like people, you can't get along with people.

They aren't exactly wrong. But I don't know what else to do. I am apparently good at persuading people, I'm very analytical, I'm good at working through problems, I dunno. Any advice is still appreciated, but the biggest thing I need to do now is stop worrying and just do something. Doesn't matter, can't do my certification until June of next year. I have to have been a resident for one year.

I admit I want to do something profitable. But money is always in my thoughts of late. It tends to be when you don't have any. I dunno, now I'm just rambling. You can tell my thoughts aren't all together after overcoming sickness and not much sleep.

Beyond that I've been writing more, finally finishing my research for an anthology I am planning to write. Next comes the interviews, I will be sending out messages to people soon. Fingers crossed I can get what I need from them to create a realistic and well written series of stories. I think I can, I just need to work hard on it.

Anyway, still looking for a fourth person for Midwest Fur Fest. Please contact me,  rimme or  gato909 if you're interested. Looks to be a fun con. Wold love another person.

My Grandfather died on August 30th, 2018. it was a long following month.

The funeral was beautiful. My Grandfather served in the Navy. When they folded the flag on his coffin I broke down crying. It was indescribably beautiful. It was a long friggin day unsurprisingly. Then I had to return to Illinois, after one of the worst flights of my life. Delayed six times and never able to get food due to how late I finally arrived.

Anyway, I resumed working at my new job selling phones. And I got best salesman in our market. Five weeks in a row. And they offered to put me into the management training program. I took the offer. It will pay significantly better than what I am getting now and give me a nice gold star on my resume for future job searches.

Just one problem. I hate this job. Oh Jesus Christ in Heaven do I hate this job. I hate selling things. Which makes it funny that I'm very good at it.

Otherwise I'm just...surviving. I finally finished a new story, MK: Dust, which I will be posting soon. It will not be popular I suspect but I would love to have people read it none the less.

If it seems like this journal was rambling it's because it bloody well was. I'm ill with a virus, getting over it but still. So my thoughts are all over the place and my brain can't hold two things together at a time. I would love to hear how others are doing though, so please do say hello. I'm very lonely.

Oh and anyone going to MFF, still looking for a fourth person. Tell your friends!

I'm writing this journal in a period of intense sadness. But an intellectual exercise will help me cope. So I'm going to take apart something that pissed me off when I read about it.

Specifically I am focusing on the "Beloved Festival", which when I tell you want this is you will actually start to scream. This is a camping trip in the woods for the super rich, designed to allow the people there to quote "Make Love to the Mystery." Each day they take part in different "sacred" activities, such Sufi soul singing, reciting Buddhist sutras and finding their spirit animals with an American Indian shaman. As the article in The Economist put it best, it's a celebration of religion for people who don't wan't to be troubled by belief.

The article, well worth a read if you want to make your blood boil, goes on and on about how diverse everything is and about how it's a celebration of all these different belief systems. And obviously you can tell, because Buddhism is all about luxury and materialism in the woods of Oregon. I'm sure the Islamic theologins who created Sufism are beaming with pride with their belief system being co-opted by a bunch of rich posers "glamping" in the woods.

Every single thing I read about in the Beloved Festival made my blood boil. Halfway through it I began to wonder what  tonyasong would have thought about the Indian shaman helping them find their spirit animal. When I read that I literally face palmed. But it got me thinking about something. This festival is supposed to be a celebration of diversity and belief without religion. In truth it's an insult to diversity, belief and organised religion.

Let's start with diversity. Diversity, in my opinion, means you are not only tolerant of but willing to listen and engage with those who hold a variety of beliefs and mindsets. It means that while you don't agree, you don't let that stand in the way of befriending someone. I think diversity is a wonderful thing because it can lead to a more enriched life. It makes you consider why you think what you do, makes you question it. And you know what? Questioning doesn't mean you'll throw out all your beliefs. It means that you think about and grow stronger instead.

How does the Beloved Festival handle diversity? By removing everything that might be distinct, unique or different from the norm. It handles different religions the way my meat tenderizer handles chicken. It stamps and stamps until several distinct faiths are flattened into a smooth, featureless slurry that can be tolerated by limousine liberal audience who talk about diversity while being scared of the Mexican man they saw walking down the street.

Giving someone a surface level of several different religions is not "diverse". It's homogenized crap, removing the beauty and just leaving some exotic New Age mumbo jumbo. Though I must admit it was creative of them to celebrate diversity by removing everything that makes all these different religions distinct. That's showing a diverse idea on what the word "diversity" means.

This is also disrespectful to the religions themselves. Now Catholicism isn't represented here, and thank Christ for that, but Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism and many others are. And these are centuries old religions. Brilliant theologians and philosophers have been birthed from their traditions. They are faiths people sincerely follow because they make sense.

And the Beloved Festival declares all that thinking was too hard! Toss it out. Again, they advertise the joy of the festival is belief without religion. They want the trappings of religions the patrons will consider exotic, but not any of the actual theology. What they're saying is all that thinking, all that theology, is pointless. You just need to "make love to the mystery" (easily my favorite dumb line), engage in "Sacred activities" and bam! You've found universal truth!

You can toss all that morality and belief crap right out the fucking window, we went glamping in the woods and that taught us the truth of life itself!

By removing the theology from religion, we get to keep the fun things but not any of the stuff that might make us feel guilt. I would say if you're feeling guilt, maybe their is a reason. By removing the theology, they miss what the religion is trying to teach them. And if you need an example, the Beloved Festival is advertised as a luxurious and expensive glamping trip, while also claiming they incorporate the truth of Buddhism into their activities. I must have missed the part where the Buddah went glamping.

If it seems like I'm ranting at this point that's only because I am. I am sincere in my Catholic faith. I know people of other religions as sincere in their faiths. And the Beloved Festival is here to tell them they've got it all wrong. You don't need to believe in God or any particular creed. Just believe in some vague "mystery" while camping in the woods at a festival that can cost $2500 to get a ticket for.

Oh and meditate with a crystal. They really like to emphasize the crystals.

I'd go more into the article, but talking about this thing nauseates me. If you're curious, please google the Beloved Festival and be amazed by how unintentionally racist they can get.

I believe in diversity. Rather than trying to pretend my beliefs are the same everyone else holds, I'd rather hear about what people believe. Diversity means you have to think. It can keep you from intellectual stagnation.

The Beloved Festival is not diversity, it's lieversity. It's safe homogenized slurry, designed to be palatable to an audience as broad and thin as possible. I hope no one thinks that this festival is an actual celebration of different beliefs.

And I hope one day the founders of the festival see the hypocrisy in having a day dedicated to Buddhism in an expensive, materialistic camping trip. But that's just me.