My Grandfather took a turn for the worse. Six to eight weeks has turned in to six to eight days, possibly six to eight hours. I got up early this day,  rimme drove me to Chicago, where I boarded a plane for Charlotte. From there I drove to SC. My Grandfather is hanging on but he won't linger much longer.

Right now I am emotionally exhausted, physically tired but in one piece. My Grandmother, a woman I have never seen upset, is fighting hard not to cry. I've never seen her so upset. This is weighing on all of us. I'm just not sure right now how I feel beyond tired.

I'll be down South for a week. If anyone needs me I won't be online much but I will check FA once a day. Right now we need prayer more than ever. Thank you.

I was going to write a journal tonight anyway about my new job and the dreadful co-workers I have at Wal-Mart. But then I got a call from my parents that changed everything.

My Grandfather was in the hospital with pneumonia. He had recovered from that but something bothered the doctors, his white blood cell count was far, far to high. So they ran a bone marrow test. And today we got the confirmation we dreaded. He has leukemia, very aggressive and very hard to treat. They're giving him six to eight weeks. They could treat it, but the treatment would probably kill him since he's eighty-seven. My aunt, father and grandmother are going to figure out what to do in terms of treatment but it's all but decided.

I'm not close to my Grandfather. I once walked in on him when I was fourteen speaking of how much of a disappointment I was compared to my cousin. That stuck with me, angered me. When I got the news I shoudn't have started to cry. But I did, I'm cry now.

I don't...I feel numb. I feel very tired. I'm flying back to North Carolina in about three weeks. I'm going to be saying goodbye to my Grandfather. I don't feel anger anymore. I feel sorrow I held on to that crap and didn't get over it. He thought I was a disappointment, so what. We all say or think stupid things. We can't let it bother us.

I've gotten very lucky. While I've lost friends, for my twenty-eight years on Earth I never lost a close family member. And now it's happening. I should always be grateful for how lucky I got, for how God gave me twenty-eight years to not have to face death. But now it's time. God I'm rambling.

Pray for my Grandfather. Pray for my Grandmother. Thank you.

As of yesterday my first step to establishing permanent residency in IL took effect. I found a job. Not a good job, in fact it's basically what I was doing in NC, but it's something. It won't pay well and it's got a lot of late nights. But a job is a job and I am at my starting point. I just gotta keep working and re-establish my savings.

I'm not sure what to tell my parents. They won't be happy. They'll also attempt to emotionally berate me until I agree to go home. So I'll have to figure out something. For now I just have to think about it. That's tomorrow's problem, for today I focus on what I need to do.

First I need to find out how to get certified as a teacher. My parents told me that wanting a job because it's reliable work you can do is not a good reason.  gato909 informed me they were either stupid or insane.  indagare told me something similar. But they never lived with me so it's easy to hear it when there.

Next, get a job as a teacher. I am tired of constantly being scared about money and unemployment. I want to help people. If this is the way do it then let's do it this way. And if it doesn't work I'll find something else. But I am going to do it my way. I am sick to death of being told how best to live my life by people who have no idea what I go through.

Third, I am going to get my PhD. I want it at this point because I want it. Everything else is irrelevant. If you don't agree with my choice, I appreciate it but please recognize I do not wish to discuss it. I've had to do that with my parents over and over again, like I'm on a goddamn merry-go-round. Now I am going to ignore them.

Now beyond that I don't know what to do. I just know this. I wanted to be at AnthroCon so badly this week. It ate at me to miss such a big furry event. And had I gone to AC I'd have missed the job interview that got me employment. God wanted me here. Why He wants me here I don't know. All I can do is work towards a future.

In other furry related news I myself,  rimme and  gato909 are going to MFF together. Hooray.  rimme and I are looking for a fourth roommate. So let the hunt begin!

I hope everyone has a wonderful AC. And they can see the strange beauty in life I am still just seeing.

And I am also unemployed. We will get to that in a minute.

So I found a job in IL after visiting  rimme in Sterling. I'm not going to lie, I didn't like Sterling when I saw it and I really was iffy on this job. I generally drove and  indagare nuts with my worrying about this, or I think I did. I drove me nuts and I wasn't even talking to me. But I felt really torn up about leaving for a state I'd only visited once, where I know one person, am in a different time zone and I'd be in trouble leaving if things didn't work out.

Well the job I was told was going to be doing data entry for a call service, working with people on the phones. I was told they'd work with me, help pay for my debts, give me good bonuses and all the other bullshit employers like to spew when they're desperate to get you in the door. Like a moron I agreed to the job, even though my interview lasted less than sixty seconds. When they're that desperate to get you in the door that's a very bad sign.

So last week I began the tortuously long drive to Sterling. First Rimme and I driving from different directions ended up at  vrraven's house, where half of my stuff was. Then our caravan set off on the longest drive I've ever experienced, not in terms of hours but emotional toll. This drive was long, miserable, full of about a thousand stops as I had to use the bathroom or Seneca needed out before he went bonkers.

Yes Seneca was with me. If a leopard gecko in a tiny cage and a hot car seems like a match made in hell, well you'd be correct. Seneca spent the entire time scratching to get out, trying to attack me, having a conniption fit and acting like he had already died so I would let him out. He did not enjoy the trip. You and me both buddy.

The trip really was hellish. and I ended up spending together around $80 just on tolls. Every single road through four states was a toll road, because avoiding them added even more time on to this thirteen hour trip. And I suspect we still should have avoided them. Because one of the biggest things that slowed us down was yes, paying for the damn tolls.

Anyway, after that we made it to Illinois. And the trip took such a strain on me I ended up collapsing shortly after arriving, either from heat or dehydration. I literally don't remember anything about arriving besides how happy I was to not be on the road anymore. The next day we unpacked my stuff, got Seneca's heat pad working, started filling our apartment with furniture and just settled into life in IL.

Then came Monday and my first day. If that seems like a fast turn around it really was. I went into my first day at Focus Services tired, unhappy and not the least bit confident in this place. And after one day there I learned that I was completely correct. If anything I was underestimating how vile this place is.

You see they had told me I'd not be a telemarketer, I'd be working on the computer. I'd be inputting data, doing customer assistance and not being a telemarketer. And day one comes along and guess what? They lied to my face, I was absolutely going to be a telemarketer. After one day I had already decided this wasn't a good fit for me. Days two through four reinforced this idea, because Jesus Christ was this a bad fit for me.

Day five comes along. I should mention this had thus far been the longest week of my life. Every moment in this hellhole felt like torture for me. Not because the work was hard but because morally these people were completely bankrupt. One of the first things we were taught is everything is sales. Even customer service isn't customer service, it's trying to get people with too little money to buy more worthless crap.

Well on day five my manager takes me aside and informs me they're letting me go. I've cursed at no one, never lost my temper and shown up every day. So why am I being fired? Because one of my co-workers in training who also seemed less then thrilled with this job went and told teacher things I had said to him in confidence. Basically the brown-nosing backstabber sold me out to make himself look better. My teacher then informed me she had been observing my facial expressions, said they weren't one's she liked (What?) and said I didn't seem excited about telemarketing.

Yeah, I'm not. I hate this place and I hope it burns to the ground because you people are repugnant. Anyway they got me out of there super fast so I lost my job after five days. Unsurprisingly I don't expect I'll be listing this on a resume.

So now I'm unemployed, broke and stuck in a state I'm not familiar with. How is everyone else doing?

AN: To keep myself from being perma-banned, I will not be mentioning the names of anybody in charge of running FA. Certainly none named after mythical flying reptiles. Instead I'll just be calling them the FA Overlords.

I was speaking to  heavensteed earlier this morning. He was telling me how conservatives were being banned for being conservative. Whether this is true or not, I'm not sure. I've only started looking into this so I refuse to just declare it to be true. What is true though is Heavensteed showed me section 2.7 of the FA Code of Conduct. Holy shit this thing. This thing makes Miniluv seem benevolent by comparison. The section reads as follows:

Section 2.7: Do not identify with or promote real hate or terrorist organizations and their ideologies.
A hate group is one that advocates and practices hatred, hostility, or violence towards members of a designated sector of society (e.g. Nazism, KKK, ISIS, Alt-Right). Symbols of hate associated with these groups (e.g. Swastika, Confederate Flag, etc.) will not be permitted in user avatars, real-life photographs (unless for historical education), and content intended solely to disrupt the community. Users who identify with or promote real hate or terrorist organizations and their ideologies may be permanently banned from Fur Affinity without warning.

Let's break this down line by line shall we?

"Do not identify with or promote real hate or terrorist organizations and their ideologies." The first thing that strikes me about this line is how vague it is. Like okay fine, I won't support hate groups. Please qualify a hate group or terrorist organization for me. Seriously, what is your definition? I consider college campuses like UC Berkley who try to control free speech to be hate groups, they hate free speech. If someone supports them, are they going to be banned for supporting hate groups? I suppose it depends on what our benevolent FA lords decide.

But what gets me is just how vague this is. That's going to be a recurring theme with this.

"A hate group is one that advocates and practices hatred, hostility, or violence towards members of a designated sector of society (e.g. Nazism, KKK, ISIS, Alt-Right)." Well their's my definition, but somehow it's even worse. No one is going to support violence against any group, nor should they. But the word that gets me is "hostility". What constitutes hostility here? The Southern Poverty Law Center is hostile towards designated members of society, specifically hate groups. I suppose they have no place on FA?

I know you're going to say I'm reaching, but my point here is the wording again is vague. At what point does someone's view become hate exactly? It doesn't say. I suppose it depends on the judgement of the Overlords of FA. Well what if I hold a view they don't like? One I consider perfectly fine, but they consider hate.

I do not support our President. I think he's a bright orange dildo not worth anyone's time. But I have lots of friends who do. Would they be banned for supporting him? If the Overlords consider the right to be guilty of practicing hostility (What the fuck does that mean) then I suppose it would. It depends on if those wielding a ban hammer think so.

The idea that your speech being acceptable depends on the opinions of some overlord is terrifying to me. It means that FA only allows certain people with a certain mindset. That mindset being "Whatever the guys in charge consider acceptable."

"Symbols of hate associated with these groups (e.g. Swastika, Confederate Flag, etc.) will not be permitted in user avatars, real-life photographs (unless for historical education), and content intended solely to disrupt the community." Of all the lines in this section, this one feels the most like something from 1984. First let me start by saying if you're actually wearing a swastika as a Nazi then fuck off. If you actually are preaching neo-nazi crap, why the fuck are you even in the rainbow colored fuzz land? Shouldn't you be off shaving your head?

Beyond that though, that's a disturbing sentence. The confederate flag is used by  redneckfurs, who support family and love. While I hate the redneck label as a rule, just looking over their FA page suggests nothing worse about them then being very country. But they could be banned because of their icon. "Well just change the icon." Why should they? Because it upsets someone? Why does someone else's sensitivity more important than their free speech? You can't just arbitrarily declare that "Only those who adhere to my values get free speech." That's the very definition of censorship.

And incidentally, some people consider the Christian cross to be a hate symbol. I mean, it was the sign the crusaders used. It was what the KKK used when they set it on fire. By these new rules it anyone displaying that should be banned. Hell, seeing as religion has been used to justify all sorts of shit, maybe religious symbols as a whole should be banned. After all, trying to share what you believe could be considered hostile by those who don't believe.

The line that most scares me though is "Content intended solely to disrupt the community." Oh my God that statement. That is so vaguely worded it could apply literally to anything. Hell it could apply to this journal, seeing as I'm trying to disrupt the censorship occurring. That could apply to anyone political, anyone who disagrees with the way FA is operated, or anyone the Overlords just don't like.

 indagare is a friend of mine who regularly posts about the poor and the plight of the US citizen. His journals stimulate some...spirited debate. Sometimes their is arguing. I would argue that disrupts the community, seeing as it polarizes people. So should he be banned? I dunno, maybe. Or maybe just don't say anything controversial or passionate at all. Don't hold strong opinions, be as safe and bland as possible.

"Users who identify with or promote real hate or terrorist organizations and their ideologies may be permanently banned from Fur Affinity without warning." And once again we run into the same issue of "You never defined a hate group". With it's vague wording, this statement means that anyone the Overlords consider being in the wrong. Again, some people consider the Catholic church a terrorist organization, you could argue it wiped out American Indian culture. So by my open support of it, I should be banned for supporting a terrorist organization.

But my favorite part is that the ban's can come without warning. No chance to respond, no debate with the Overlords, just the ban hammer. But hey, it's the perfect solution. No really, it is. It keeps those who could respond to you from being able to speak, while allowing you to claim you're defending people from hate groups. It's the perfect way to keep your regime in good order.

As you might have guessed, I loathe this section. I've only now started reading through the whole document, I've got a ways to go, but I'm not impressed. I hope to God FA doesn't become the den of censorship I see it becoming. And I hope no one thinks that permabanning those you disagree with is a good thing. Because frankly, that makes you every bit as bad as them.

I'll continue to be a vocal supporter of unrestricted free speech. In my opinion no right is as important. This is a right I would die for. And when I see people so casually piss all over it, it leaves me frightened.

Let me close by saying one thing. If I get banned, it won't be because of my supporting hate groups. It won't be because of any vague harassment. It'll be because FA didn't like what I had to say. And it'll be all the proof you need FA is censoring those it doesn't like.

I wish everyone who reads this a good day. Exorcise your right to free speech by telling section 2.7 to fuck off.

Another week, another failure to find a job (and having been jerked around by a car dealership) and another conversation with my parents. My parents are the first people on Earth to say a job is not for me. Today they said that when I mentioned interviewing for a sales position. Do I want it? Not really. But "Do I want it" and "Do I want to pay my bills" are usually two separate factors in my thinking.

You see, every conversation with my parents goes something like this. I announce "I've interviewed with X". My parents respond with "X doesn't pay well enough" or "You wouldn't be a good fit for X." Every single time without fail, their literally is not a job on Earth that is a good fit for me apparently. I've reached the conclusion they will LITERALLY never be happy with anything I do.

So let me ask those out here, what would be a good fit for me? I want to know, what should I be doing? Is their anything that you fine denizens of the internet thing should be my job? Never mind the fact I don't want to do it forever, I want to be self-employed because a lifetime of retail and my parents has made me grow to loath the human race.

I'm not kidding.

Beyond that my constant worry and self doubt, only exacerbated by my parents, is making it hard to get out of bed in the morning. How long can I stay out here until I've got to go back to Mooresville? And what do I do then? Answer, find literally any job, it does NOT matter what and get the fuck away from my parents. Find something to study that will allow me self-employment, then move away from NC.

I'm currently exhausted and emotionally drained. I am so grateful towards  vrraven but he can't keep me here forever. And every day is another day closer to me having to go back to Mooresville. I don't....mentally I'm broken. I'm sad, I'm tired and I'm sick of constantly being told that nothing I want is good enough for me.

So what is a good fit for me?

Back in Pennsylvania again, this time once again for job searches. I...I am scared. I am utterly terrfied. I need a job so badly just to get out of that house. Please pray for me people who read this. Pray and hope for me.

I'm spending an extra day here this time, just for my own mental health. I'll be playing Scythe with  vrraven and hopefully someone else if we can find others in Western PA. No matter where I go I have a game.

Well  vrraven had to drive down here to pick me up on Wed, because my car was somehow again in the shop. I've now put just shy of three grand into that monument to the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Such is life.

The drive up on Thursday was uneventful save for the fact that three terrible driver's nearly caused accidents with us. And all three were from French Canada. Friggin' weird. Anyway, we got to the Sheriton as we have the last two years. And like the last two years they didn't have a hotel ready. I met three others in the lobby and was more than willing to play the Bloodborne board game while waiting. Noir instead decided to gripe until they gave us a room.

Instead of waiting two hours we waited ten minutes. I must admit, that worked well.

Anyway room this year actually had a fridge in it and towls and wasn't clearly unprepared for guests. I will never understand with this hotel has so many issues getting ready for guests. They have one friggin' job. Anyway Thursday was quiet as people arrived and the :furthemore: people were setting up the big displays for the con this year. The theme was "Fantasy in the Sakura Forest". In truth I wouldn't have known the theme if someone hadn't told me. Then again in all the con's I've seen, I've only noticed the theme twice, Furlandia 2016 and AC 2016.

Noir and I ate dinner at this Persian restaurant that has the best humus in the world according to Noir. I don't like humus myself, something about the texture. Anyway, not enough people, not enough fun. We got registered that night and credit to Fur the More, they gave everyone these special free three color badges. I'll be uploading a picture of mine tomorrow, but they were flip badges with three colors. Green meant hugs, yellow meant ask, red meant do not touch.

I do not not NOT like being touched except by close friends. Guess what color mine was on.

Anyway, Thursday night we played Demon's Souls while the con came to life.

Friday was a different story. Noir slept in due to an alarm issue while I walked around the bottom floor. I ended up playing Bloodborne with a couple of new people, including a Sheep fur who's name sadly escapes me. This kills me because I made a point to remember it. Ugh. If you're reading this sheep man, give me a shot.

After that was lunch and then Noir in full suit. He went around being goofy while I carried around his wallet and enough water to drown a sponge. And here is where I have to say something even I find strange. Due to medical issues it's highly unlikely I will ever own a suit. My body has problems with overheating and it doesn't retain water very well. And unsurprisingly when I found this out last year it left me deeply sad.

But when I get to be a handler for a suiter I love it. It's fun getting to see them have fun and getting to be their photographer, even if it means I never get to be in the picture. I'm not going to pretend I'm not jealous but I don't let it bother me that much. They're having fun, so I'm having fun as well.

Anyway after he finished suiting Noir and I played Scythe. Then came dinner and Noir's panel on fursuit maintenance and repair. A lot of people for that one and they all seemed to enjoy it. I meanwhile sat there reading Ovid and occasionally taking notes for Noir.

That night not much was happening. Noir wanted to play werewolves, no game. We did get in a game of Bloodborne with an individual who didn't have their badge out so I couldn't get their name. After that, back to room.

Saturday was the big day. I woke up early and nervous. Today was my panel, why was I nervous? I always am and I have no idea why, it was my third time doing this. I finally began to get some commissions. For whatever reason I could not think of a single thing I wanted on Friday. Sadly this means none of my stuff will be posted on FA any time soon. Expect to see it as it arrives in the mail.

My panel was at 10:30, meaning my panel got to run at the same time as  comus. Shame, I was hoping to see him at mine again to ask him why of all the gods did he chose the god of excess.

My panel got started and after doing this twice before I knew two things right away. One, start by saying something to relax people. I've noticed whenever I give people the chance to introduce themselves most people don't. It puts them on the spot. So instead I gave a story about a commission that I never got where someone tried to give Janelle large breasts, which obviously bugged me. The humor of the story helped open everyone up as we discussed what we thought of reptiles with human qualities.

Second, I've learned silence is the killer in these things. Keep people talking, if I can do that then it'll be a good panel. Whenever I thought things were getting quiet I'd share something else about reptiles, either in the fandom or in general. One thing I regret is I didn't give more people the chance to talk about themselves. I'll work on that next year.

And their will be a next year. As strange as it is once I finished my panel I remembered why I love doing it. Because talking to people, learning about reptiles and sharing a mutual love is fun. I will be excited to do it again next year. Maybe this time I'll remember some of these people's names.

After that Noir and I played a game of Scythe, now with five people. Scythe is a game I wanted to bring to the TSA bash this year, though the bash is probably off for me. It's a massive game, up to seven people and it's one of my absolute favorite's. Everyone enjoyed it, with the game being won by someone who'd never played before but had a good strategy.

Incidentally because of this we missed the parade. I am of two minds. On the one hand, I don't like parades. No not fursuit parades, I just flat out dislike parades. On the other hand usually my best pictures at a con come from a parade. Well maybe next year.

Next was dinner and then Noir and I played Room Party with a couple of people who'd never played it. We all had a ton of fun though I got my ass handed to me, ending with a final score of three. By contrast, Noir won with a score of twenty-two.

That night was Werewolves. I have mixed feelings on that game, to put it mildly. The first game went well, Noir was the seer and I was a villager because of course I was. Noir would feed me werewolf info and I would make the accusation. Unsurprisingly people thought I was the seer and I got killed pretty early, but the village won that one.

Next game village lost and I got killed very quickly. Same with the game after that. Fourth game, I died before the game started. Unsurprisingly after spending most of the night watching and not playing I got sick of it and went back to the room. Noir said he'd be along after the game. He left his key up there though so I had to stay awake and wait for him. Instead it ended up being two hours. It was a long night.

Sadly Sunday had to come and it did. Noir and I packed up and drove back to my house. I helped pay for gas and I loved the trip in spite of the destination. Over all I had a lot of fun at Fur the More. I look forward to going when April comes again.

After four months of misery, financial strife, a car perpetually on its last legs, a mother who's alcohol problem is spiraling out of control and at least three Dario Argento movies I am headed to Fur the More. I will be running a reptile panel again, because their can never be enough bsing about reptiles.

I'll be driving up with  vrraven who was nice enough to drive me since my car is in the crapper. I'm hoping it's just by coincidence that when I told my parents I was leaving no matter what they said that my car chose to break down. I really really hope so.

Anyway, see you all on Sunday.

PS: One thing that's been on my mind for the TF fans out their. What do you consider the best TF work ever written? This will be going into a future essay.

I made a deeply stupid mistake at game night tonight. I shared what con I'd be going to in two weeks.

My game night is full of people who like to consider themselves open minded and considerate. As soon as I mentioned I was a furry going to a (gasp) furry con, they immediately began spouting the same ole idiocy. One girl told me they're having orgies in public! As I pointed out it's a public hotel the con is at, they won't be having that. The girl responded with "That doesn't matter, it's a furry con." Yes because the con would love to lose its venue by hosting a public orgy, that makes sense.

The guy who was there told me I couldn't be naive about this. He had seen a YouTube video and a documentary. He said to me "You can't be naive about this!" Well forgive me, I didn't know you'd seen a YouTube video AND a documentary! All I've got is my five years of first hand experience and my third time attending this con.

Then they asked me what my suit is like. I explained to them that due to my medical issues and home situation I can't wear a suit. Rather than realizing I'm sensative about this, they began to needle me about "Being the only furry at a con without a suit." Never mind that most furries don't have suits, they knew best. That last part really bothered me.

What does this have to do with the title of my journal? Nothing what so ever. It just bugged me to no end (and reminded me why this will remain a secret from my parents). I had to share.

No the title came from the explination I got a few days ago explaining why I wouldn't get a bonus at work. I've told  indagare about this and his eyes rolled so hard they about popped out. When I finish this I expect many people's brains to melt.

My company will no longer give bonuses based on anniversaries due to the new Fairness Doctrine. According to the Doctrine, it is not fair that "Bonuses are given just because one employee has been there longer than others."

I wish I could see  heavensteed's fave when he reads that. I suspect he will face palm so hard it will live an indent on his forehead.

But wait, there's more! Their are secret shoppers who visit each store at my company. They grade employees, if you get a perfect score then you get a small bonus. This was also deemed unfair because it "favored employees who showed ability at a single time". In other words, it favored good employees.

Instead now the store will be judged collectively. And then all names will be put into a lotto. One will be drawn, they get a single bonus. That way their can be "No bias towards people" who are, you know, good at their jobs. Meaning you could be graded 0 out of 100 and you could get a bonus because your name came out of a hat.

I take it back, I wish I could see  matthiasrat read this. I bet I could hear his brain explode when he read that statement.

I love this new Fairness Doctrine because this is something both those on the Left and the Right can get together and hate. This is the best kind of policy to hate, something stupid, hypocritical and greedy. The Left can hate it because the concept of fairness is being used to cut people's bonuses. The Right can hate it because talent and ability are being tossed aside for a lotto.

That doesn't change the fact I'm not getting my bonus.

This is the stupidest policy I've ever heard of. And apparently we now live in a society where having talent and experience is unfair to mouth breathing morons. Christ almighty what's wrong with the world.

P.S. I get to host another Reptile Panel at Fur the More. I'm happy. Catch me there.

Lent this year for me was not easy. Mostly because FA is a comfort zone and I was about to go through severe and insane depression. I did not find a job. I put in 85 applications (Do not EVER count your applications) and received five call backs. Of those five, two lead to interviews and neither panned out.

Instead something most unexpected happen. I got a message from Border Control asking me if I would apply to be a border control agent. I burst out laughing at first but only at first. Because that's when I remembered, this job is not something I want or will enjoy, but it's not in North Carolina.

It's no where near my parents.

I'm at a crossroads. Where  vrraven lives their is a program for teacher certification. If I don't get the government job, I will move in with Noir as soon as I can and pursue that opportunity. If I do get it, I'll move out immediately. I don't want either job to be my career but I want to put physical distance between me and my parents.

In other news my car broke down for a month, only possibly getting fixed two days ago. And even then we'll have to see if it's working or not. What caused it to break? I took it to a transmission place because my parents forced me to, and ended up paying a good deal of money to get a small crack fixed. While doing that they managed to damage a sensor in the car, causing my engine to shut down after a short while.

$1300 to fix that bloody sensor. I was going to move in with Noir after FTM in two weeks but unsurprisingly I now have to remain here longer to get this mess fixed. If I don't get the job, I am going to try to leave by the end of June, at the latest July. But I am going. No more job, no more worries, I am leaving.

Because I am at my snapping point. My parents are using me to avoid dealing with their own problems. I have to take care of my mom after another episode, have to listen to my dad rant to me and not her. You know, if you're having your issues, talk to each other. Not me. I have my own life.

Meanwhile I am trying to write again. But I'm so frustrated in this house it's moving like cement through a drain pipe. At this point I don't think I'll be able to write unless I'm away from here. Far away.

I can't return here. I need to get away and not return. Not for a long time at least.

I was going to take a half day of work today. Then my parents came by work and announced they were taking my car to make sure for me that it was in perfect shape. I'd paid to have an oil change and have it fixed up but my parents still wanted to make sure it was working because...because they don't trust me.

They took my car without my permission. I know they meant well but the fact of the matter is I'm twenty-seven and they don't trust me do run my own life. As of today I am convinced nothing short of moving to a different state is going to break the hold they have over me.

Don't ever do like them. I say this to all parents out there. Trust your children, even if they screw up. They'll love you more for it. They won't grow to resent you. And who knows, they may want to stay in contact with you.

I wrote in my last journal how much I've reflected on how it isn't fair to me. And really I'm still thinking about it. I like to use game analogies a lot when describing life. For me I'm playing Ghost Stories and every move means rolling the curse die. That's what life feels like of late.

But I've got to keep rolling it. If I stop then my parents win. Then every negative, self-loathing thought I've had wins. You know why I use game analogies? Because games have rules that can be learned and strategies that can be planned.

Games can be won.

When things go poorly and I see others success it burns me up. Especially when things seem so bad for me. I really do feel at times like I'm pulling a mountain. But if I am then so be it. I'll carry it through Hell itself if need be. I will have my happy ending because no matter how much life beats me like a drum I will ALWAYS stand up again.

I ended up getting sent home from work early incidentally because I had an extreme and severe allergic reaction to something at work. I have no idea just what did this but I have to endure.

I haven't had time to read for fun in three months. I realized that today. Every time I try someone needs me. I can't get time away from my job either. That horrible job is consuming me and thank God almighty I will be free of it by the latest at April. And I do mean free, I will not be returning after FtM if I don't have a new job.

After the truly hellish day I had I wanted to run back to FA and forget about what I said for Lent. Because this place is comforting to me and helps me forget about my wretched job. But I'm not goign to. I won't be on FA until after Easter. Because this isn't about what comforts me, it's about my relationship with God. That is more important.

Until then, I plan to finish Life. I also had an idea for a new story, an adaptation of the first thing I posted to the TSA List, Elysium. Maybe I can work on that too.

Seeing as I won't see any comments tomorrow if anyone desperately needs to speak to me you can contact me at jackthefrilledlizard[at]gmail.com or by contacting  indagare. Otherwise I'll see you in forty days.

After just shy of six weeks and putting in two hundred and fifteen application (Do not count. Do not ever count) I finally have an interview in PA. I'm considering saying I got a job even if I don't just because I've grown to despise being here beyond all comprehension.

I've spent the last six weeks reflecting on my...well my situation. It's not fair. It's not fair that my attempting to study was screwed up by my mother's drinking problem and clingyness, so clingy when I went to the library she called the LIBRARY and threw such a hissy fit I had to go home.

It's not fair that my dad spends half his time covering for her and the other half passing her on to me. My dad spends most of his time avoiding problems if he can help it. Or just boiling them down to money, everything can be solved by money. I found that reasoning to...well explain a lot of things in my family.

When I was fourteen (August 8th, 2004, Sunday while Grocery Shopping) my mother called me the biggest loser she had ever seen. She told me that her only regret in life was not aborting me. Two weeks later she had a break down (August 19th, School day, Thursday) she told me if I ever left she'd kill herself.

Now imagine living on that roller coaster ride for years on end. Imagine your parents ignore your brother (except to tell you how much better he is than you) and because the insanity hasn't focused on him he gets out. You meanwhile remain trapped in this vortex of hell.

I am intensely private and competitive person. I don't mean to be either of those things but my home life has made me them. My parents once picked the lock on my door and went through my stuff when I was on a trip. I had taped a tooth pick over one of my desk drawers and put a small layer of flour over the papers inside. I figured I could vacuum up later. The tooth pick was broken and the papers riffled around.

As for competitive well through out my life my parents have been fast to tell me about how other children (or my brother) were doing compared to me. My brother still tells me how much more money he has, how nice his apartment is, how he can afford a brand new car, how he is important and I'm not. Yes but he's a massive cunt and I'm not.

I've been told many times I'm not alone in dealing with this except I am. Yes I have friends but they don't have to live with it. I do. I have plenty of people ready to give me platitudes on enduring and trusting in God. All that's done is make me really hate platitudes.

None of this is fair to me. I shouldn't be so screwed up I have to go into therapy to fix it. Nor should I be expected to fix it. But I am. It's not fair and I have to live with it anyway. Everything will be harder for me and I'm just going to have to live with it.

I'm a walking mess of complexities. I can't write a simple TF story. It has to be complex and metaphorical, it has to be saying something important. Today I finished a story that was pure TF and I was so ashamed someone else is posting it on their page. I can't even say what it is out of fear saying so will say to much about me.

God forbid I let people in. God forbid I actually talk about things I live and share some of my loves. No, never do that, keep yourself as closed off as possible. Then discover no one knows you.

I will be leaving my house at the latest by April. I'm going to Fur the More and if I don't have a job I'll just be staying with Noir. I've reached the breaking point, I can do no more.

In this house I feel I must always be controlled. I can't express myself. I can't share my loves or passions. I have to behave in a way my parents would find acceptable. One of my all time favorite things are locked room mystery stories. I never write about them or write a furry one. That would be sharing something personal to me.

I want to go to a con, another con besides FtM this year. Because at conventions I can at least a little loosen my inhibitions. But that's not in the cards. I need out even more. So I'll give up something I enjoy and grind out freedom for my family.

I'll head up to PA for my job interviews next Wednesday. I only realized next Wed is Ash Wednesday. Still not actually in the church yet I've already decided what I'm giving up. This will be the last time you see me on Fur Affinity until Easter. I am giving it up entirely.

If I get a job I'll make sure to tell someone, probably  rimme or  indagare. If anyone cares they'll tell you all. For me I had to get this journal written. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, just say it.

I wish things had gone differently for me. My life could have been so much...so much better. But I'm not lucky. I was born with a mountain to haul around. So be it.

PS: The story I was too neurotic to post was this one: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26354140/

Because of how neurotic I am I tossed all that attention away. Sigh.

Today was without a doubt one of the worst days of my life. I'm broken right now. I have nothing left in me. Only sheer hatred for my parents keeps me going at this point.

So after a week of maybe 10 hours sleep over six days I was woken up at 5 am to get to work. I spent the first three hours half away until I drank the most caffeinated energy drink I could find. And while most of the customers were okay some were absolute assholes. One poured a fucking drink on my head because they were mad they couldn't buy lottery tickets with a credit card. Because that's my fault apparently.

So if all I'm doing is complaining, why is this entitled I Have Hope? I got off work and my family decided to go to a movie. I did not enjoy it, it was too long and too padded. But it gave me time to think. Frankly one thing I haven't had the time to do over this last year is just think about what I want.

I want to help people. I have...I have to say this before I chicken out. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am supposed to get a second opinion before getting medication, though currently that is outside of my price range. I spend a lot of my time in absolute misery.

It's so disheartening to know that you possess an illness you can never cure, caused by flawed genetic code. When my emotions run in the extreme I can't seem to come back down to planet Earth. Anger and sorrow especially, but when happy or excited I can't see flaws in my own thinking. When I move out of my parents house I am going to get that second opinion, and if they say the same thing I will start taking medication.

As I said I want to help people. I want to help people who like me struggle with depression or mental illness. We don't take mental illness seriously I find. If you have a mental illness society says you should be ashamed of it. That receiving therapy is a sign of weakness. To me that is a ludicrous sentiment, tantamount to claiming you are brave for breaking your arm and not getting it fixed.

I am going to move out of my parents house and pay off my student debts. Once I have those manageable I will return to school. I will work during the day and attend class at night, no more loans or uncontrolled debts. And I am going to study psychology.

Saying that makes me actually incredibly upset. Because it means I am giving up doing something lucrative in order to do something...well not respected. But today sitting there and thinking I realized how little sympathy or support I receive in my real life. And I have the chance to do something about it.

I will continue to write and to study all the things that bring me pleasure. But I want to help people who suffer from depression and anxiety. I've gone years where I had no support and no treatment available.

I don't really know what else I can write here. Just discussing this is upsetting to me because it means exposing an inner part of my mind. But that's something else I've come to realize, people who suffer frequently keep it locked up inside of them. That's not healthy. If I work hard I can help them. And I want no one else to suffer like I have.

This is my hope, that I can achieve my goals. My plan right now is to find a job some place far from North Carolina. Over the last few months I have become convinced the only way to break my parents hold on me is to put several states between us.

Second, to find a job that pays well enough. I am getting my debts paid off. If I have to live like a hermit to do it, then so be it. This is worth it.

Third, I want to study psychology. Unlike English where I could at least teach with a Masters, I'll have to go full PhD here. No need to get a Masters this time, no purpose either. Most states no longer allow people with Masters to perform therapy (my mother lost her job because of North Carolina's own law). It's worth it.

What I learned sitting there is I have to have a goal to work towards. Some kind of hope to hold on to. And I will lose it when I am at my worst. That's why I am writing my journal. All who read this, all who know me, when I am at my worst remind me of what I have said here. I don't have medicine or a full time therapist, so I have to use every tool I can to hold on to hope.

I think that's why I love Christmas so much. It's the season of perpetual hope.

Wish me luck.

I've been attending meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics for about two months, maybe three now. It's not something I like to discuss outside of my immediate circle of friends. In fact it's not something I'm comfortable saying on here but I have to because it's pertinent to today's discussion.

One of the things we do each meeting is read the Laundry List. You can look it up online if you're curious but it's a series of traits ACA members tend to share. And one in particular for me stands out, one I noticed when having a conversation with my mother that almost ended in a screaming fit. That as an Adult Child I take any critique as a personal attack.

In this case the discussion was over my not looking for a new job right now. I don't want to look for one until I get my teeth fixed. My mom and therapist don't agree with this, but they're entitled to their opinions. But even as I write this I was to go off on a tangent about how they don't understand and they don't know the shit I'm going through. They don't, but they don't have to either.

I should be looking. I don't want to right now because I'm exhausted mentally and physically. So the appropriate response should be just to say that, I will in my own time but for now I need to focus on my mental well being. Instead I almost lost it, even now thinking about it I feel my stomach churning. I can't handle any critique without feeling attacked.

My therapist said acknowledging that is most of the work right there. Sadly not letting it bother you is much harder.

From this line of thinking we got to discussing my issues dealing with my own faults. My therapist says in her opinion I am lazy because I've not worked harder at finding a new job. Fair enough, she probably isn't wrong there. In fact I need to change that, not just say I'm going to. But the how of that is much harder. In fact if anyone knows how to overcome this just great ennui I feel, it would be much appreciated.

I don't know if I agree with my therapist that I can't acknowledge my faults, but I'm willing to work on that. But I ran into a different issue. I don't see any positive traits. I mean, I look at myself and I see someone who will lie rather then confront a problem until it blows up. Who is lazy and wants out but can't see to motivate himself to do it. Someone who creates self-fulfilling prophecies.

Her suggestion for anytime I get stuck in one of these pessimistic loops is to immediately get my thoughts onto something else. Just for five minutes focus on something else. I'm writing this here so I won't forget, I need to at least try. Again I don't know if I agree, but I worry so much as it is.

What I want to know though is if I'll be okay outside of here, or if I'm too damaged to survive on my own. And no one can tell me that. Sadly in my real life no one has offered me a moment of reassurance. Apparently that would be lying to me. Sometimes what we need is to know those in our lives believe we can. But here I don't get that.

I want a job where I am happy, a comfortable standard of living and a family of my own. And I know as long as I am as messed up as I am, those things are beyond me. Today it dawned on me really just how much time it will take to fix all of my problems. In addition I learned through ACA I have my own addictions. I have to get those under control.

Will I be able to achieve the life I want working through all of this? I honest to God don't think so. I don't think life will wait for me. I fear I'll end up alone, mentally healed and with no reward for it. Indagare has said I can't know the future. Then how do I stop the pessimism? If I can't know the future, how do I at least look at it with hope instead of dread? I want to break this cycle of thinking but I don't know how.

I would do anything for a career I could be happy with and a family of my own as well as mental stability. I wish the stability didn't have to come first. I may eventually have to take a break from the fandom and the internet, especially in regards to my addictions needing work.

I'm tired of being alone. I envy  katalina for being married to the man of her dreams. I hope one day I will no longer be alone. My therapist instead of reassuring me told me "Well we can't know for sure." Perhaps we can't but sometimes I just want to have a little hope.

If you read this please leave a comment. Even if you'll talk to me in person. If you want to say something more personal please send me a note.

Few things cause me as much trouble in my life as my inability to stop comparing myself to others. Doing this is a zero sum game, I either fail miserably in comparison, or I do measure up but I get no satisfaction either. Because I still am not where I want to be. This is a mindset that is deeply unhealthy.

I don't believe that no comparison is good either. Looking at others as a way to drive yourself is fine. But when it's like me, sickening stomach churning misery because I don't have what I want, well that's just self-destructive. It eats at you, it's always on your mind. You know you could be living the life you want, but you're not smart enough or good enough.

No matter how much I try to work through this issue I can't seem to succeed in silencing it. And after the dreadful year I've had this voice has gone into over drive. Every time I close my eyes I see myself and how unimpressive I find myself to be. My parents incidentally do not help with this issue. Nor do people who think they're being helpful by pitying me. I don't want or need pity.

I see this affecting my life, I've of late had extreme trouble controlling my anger and frustration. I can't get along with people of late if I have to interact with them in real life. Work especially has gone from bad to me sobbing whenever I have another shift, because it's a dead end job and I'm spinning my wheels here.

Well getting back to what I asked with the title for this journal, one thing I need to do is stop constantly comparing myself to others. My favorite quote from St. Francis de Sales speaks to this, that the divine Goodness brought us to where we are, but it will take us where we're going on different routs. He specifically says don't worry about how your life is going, be patient. The task requires it.

If you're curious, what made me realize this man had to be one of my patron saints was that idea. Not that he was the saint of writers, but that what he wrote comforted me.

So how do I calm this down? One thing I've started doing is figuring out just what it is I want. Because when I have to do that I very frequently find I want different things from other writers. And one thing that always has driven me nuts is that when writing, no matter where I write be it MK, general furry, TF writing or just general fiction, I always compare myself to writers who put out more than I do.

I've had to think on this for a long time and eventually my thoughts turned to two writers I am quite fond of, Honoré de Balzac and Gustav Flaubert. Balzac was a fantastic writer who in his very short, very Catholic life (His words not mine), wrote over fifty novels and hundreds of short stories. Flaubert in contrast only wrote four novels.

And while I love both Flaubert speaks to me in a way. I can write very fast, my current story I'm working on is about half done but almost completely unposted. Because while I write fast, I edit a lot. Flaubert had a process called "Just the right word", where he looked at literally every sentence and word to see how they flowed and fit the story. And I often do that as well when I edit.

I'd rather be like Flaubert. If I publish something, I want to know it's of the highest possible quality. I want everything I post to be as good as I can achieve with what I have. I want people to know I will give them a good story. Better that my reputation be for quality than quantity. Even if it means I have fewer readers at first.

Their are other things I've begun to realize. I don't ever want to win an Ursa Major award. I don't ever want to be nominated. I have issues with awards for writing, since I don't believe writing can be quantified by how many awards they have thrown on them. How many people have read as an example Gilead? This book was pretty good and won a Pulitzer and was expected to be an instant classic. And it disappeared beneath the waves of memory almost as soon as it appeared.

Beyond that though I specifically dislike the Ursa Major. I am actually working on an essay about that particular dreadful award, but basically it gets awarded to some absolutely dreadful works. Any time Savestate announces it was nominated, my reaction is "So what?" So was The Golden Week and Huvek. You're sharing space with pieces of shit like that.

I believe being associated with that is, at least to me, a mark of dishonor. You're another book associated with the Homosexual Coming of Age Assembly Line. So that's something I specifically want and thus far have achieved, every day I achieve that.

What helps me not compare myself to others is determining just what it is I want even when it's difficult. I still don't know what I want my career to be, aside from that I don't want to go to a trade school. My mother once told me that I was only good enough for a trade school, not talented enough for anything else. So at least I know that much.

I also know when I finish my current story I'll be taking a break from MK for a while. I want to finally work on some of my own projects I've had on the back burner for basically forever. I admit I'm excited to see how these ideas work out for me.

I don't really have any way to end this constant comparison. If anyone out there does know then please share. I look forward to your comments.

Well I got my test I've studied all year for and it was not great. Not terrible, well above average, but not great either. I needed to post an amazing score to get my letters. And I won't be. In fact as has been made clear I'll be able to get a PhD at a college where I'll pay for it myself and not get a job. Which really makes me wonder why bother.

I'm not done with my higher education but I'm at a cross-roads. Simply put, I can't live here anymore. I've reached the breaking point with my family. Every day they ask about the test scores, every day I tell them to quit asking me and they tell me "You never want to talk about them." No I don't, you'd think that would be obvious by now but apparently it's still very complicated.

So I have to leave. As soon as possible. Everything from here on out is on hold until I get out of here. But what do I do until then? My therapist suggested I find a job that I could live off of, or just give in and get certified as a teacher. From there wait until I've got some savings saved up and then plan my next move.

What will my next move be? Well their are three options in front of me. One, I go for my English PhD even if it doesn't guarantee work just because I want it. I do want it, but at some point practicality and idealism have to meet each other half way. Number two, I go back to school for one of my other interests. That would still cost me money, but I could get an education in a field where I'd get a job without a degree from a high end school, and I'd be doing it away from my family.

If it isn't obvious, getting away from my family is a necessity by now.

Third is I give in and just go to law school. I actually took the LSAT before the GRE and did utterly fantastic on it. But I'm not excited about that. I'd study something technical that earned money that way. Not great thing to do with my life, but at least I'd be able to live that way.

I'm mostly writing this to ask for advice and opinions. All I know for sure is I have to get out. I couldn't study in here, I can't sleep anymore, I can't get my parents to quit asking me questions even when I tell them not to. I want to be left alone, why is that so bloody hard? I don't know. I have to get out.

I spoke to a friend tonight about a few personal things, and we got to discussing meeting with him again sometime. And as I was informed, his parents don't want me around. I met them briefly two years ago and I didn't shake his fathers hand. Mind you it never occurred to me to shake his hand. I'm not big on touch, as anyone who has met me knows, but I meant no ill will. I never meant to upset them.

My dad told me not to worry about it, but that's his opinion on everything. For me that's not an option, I still have to interact with people. If I'm upsetting people, I need to know. I clearly upset these people, so much so they don't want me around their son. And it just never occurred to me

So I am asking sincerely what am I doing wrong? I mean, what am I doing to upset people? I am asking all who read this, how do I come across?

I'm good at reading people. That's the weird thing is I'm good at reading people's behavior. But I can't read myself if my life depended on it. I only see my worst aspects in me, so I try to correct them. What if I'm over correcting though? Instead of coming across as sincere I instead come across as creepy.

All people who read this, tell me how do I seem when you speak to me? And more importantly, if I come across as bizarre or creepy, why? Because of the problems I see in me, this is one I very clearly missed. And it's one that has left me surprisingly upset.

I don't think highly of myself. I always hear my parents telling me what a loser I am. And when I hear others tell me this, it doesn't make things easier. In fact it makes me wonder if my parents are right all along. Because everyone else can tell you things are going just fine, but the few voices that are beating you down will drown them out.

Please be open and honest. I'd rather hear it.

I had a discussion with an individual last night who will remain unnamed for the rest of this journal. I am leaving them unnamed because I want to make this clear my issue is not with them as a person, but their argument. If anyone does goes at who this person is, you are to treat them with respect and kindness. Never to reveal their identity or attack them.

I also want to thank  indagare and  born2beagator for helping me work through this. I'm not mad at my friend, I'm not. Disappointed and frustrated but I suspect they are by me as well. I just want to stop hurting.

I am a bisexual Christian. I desire to be Catholic. And I do not believe the Church is unequivocally correct on its views on homosexuality. I'm willing to discuss it but as it stands I don't agree with it. I don't like discussing this because frankly I believe such things should be between me and God.

Last night I got into a discussion with a Catholic furry over this and my current relationship. And the reaction I got left me deeply hurt. I was informed that if I didn't change my views, literally change my whole thinking, I couldn't be Catholic. They said at one point they'd be against my conversion. I don't know if they meant they'd try to block it or just that they'd never consider me Catholic but I was crushed.

I spent most of today sobbing. I've finally found a place I felt I belonged. And now I've been told it's doors are barred to me and I was told this by a friend. A friend who told me they were doing this out of love. It didn't feel like love though, it hurt me very deeply.

I think they did mean well but that isn't what came across. What instead came across was "You won't find salvation here." Because if this is true, it's not enough that I behave according to the Church, which I already was. I have to change all of my thinking and behavior completely, change everything so it lines up with the Catcheism of the Church. I wonder of late if this is the only way for me to be accepted.

In case anyone is curios, no if I was in a same-sex relationship I would not take communion. I disagree with the Church's views on that particular issue, but I will abide by their rules. I can disagree with someone and still behave according to their rules if I want to be a part of them.

It's instead the idea that I wouldn't be allowed in. To me this idea is horrifying. The Church should be open to all people, even those who don't believe. And for someone like me, knowing I'd not be allowed in? Well I spent most of today fixating on this and in a blind panic. I want this so badly and yet the door would be shut in my face. Maybe I'm being too sensitive about this, I don't know.

I'm looking for advice here, what do I do? What do I do to be a part of the Church? Can I be? Honest to God I'm dying here, can I be?

I've reached the point where I trust almost no one. I keep my thoughts and feelings bound up inside because I fear something will set someone else off. That I'll say something and my friends will all abandon me. That they'll hate me or tell me I'm flawed beyond repair.

Maybe I should be alone. I can't be hurt then. (sighs) I'm not sure what I'm ranting on right now. I just feel hurt. I want to belong. What do I do?

I request all who read this comment. I doubt anyone will, but I can ask.

A few days ago I was informed my bank had (without my notice) cut off my automatic bill pay. I learned this when my car insurance company contacted me asking for two months of missed payments and an additional $50 worth of late fees, for just shy of $200.

The problem is I am in such severe debt $200 is currently beyond my means. I'm not just a little in debt. Between my teeth, my car, student debts and reduced work hours I've seen my always meager savings vanish into a black hole. And it's sadly not unexpected. I've had a truly horrific year.

 rimme and  salvestro have both offered me $200 to get by for the next few months. I've declined both and as of right now plan to continue turning them down. I am broke, so this decision is obviously stupid. So why can I not just accept aide from my friends?

Well that's what I want to write about here. I've spent a few days reflecting on this and for me the reason starts when I was about fourteen.

I was with my family at a trip to my grandparents. I woke up early after not being able to sleep (never could sleep in that house) and ended up in my grandparents living room. Not only that but they were awake and they couldn't see me. I could hear them though and what I got to hear was what they thought about me.

Specifically I was such a baby who needed everyone to do everything for him. They'd discussed it with my dad, their solution was a lot more whippings. That would fix everything.

Two years later I had a similar discussion with my mother. She was in a particular bad spell and I was acting as her personal chauffeur. And I forget what our conversation was, but I remember her telling me "Jack, you're a failure. Without a doubt I should have aborted you. If you don't shape up I'm just going to have to wash my hands of you."

In case you're curious my grandparents love my cousin best, my parents love my brother best. I'm viewed as useless, a leech or someone who needs everything done for him. It's very strange knowing their is no one on Earth who loves you unconditionally. To know you will never be the favorite, that your family will always care about someone more than you.

When I was applying to grad school my mother told me I'd fail to get in because I wasn't that smart and my dad thought I'd blow all my money. So yes I had support all over the place. Getting in and getting my Masters was and remains one of my proudest moments. Because I did it by myself. Because every one told me I'd fail and I proved them wrong by sheer force of will and determination.

But every since I realized I wasn't anyone's favorite I've had this...just ache to not rely on others. I've been told my entire life I'm not capable on my own and I have to prove I am. Not need to, have to. If I can't, if I have to turn to others to solve my problems then I'll prove my family right.

This year has been about as pleasant for me as sticking my hand in a garbage disposal. But I've not bent or broken once, I've found ways to cut costs and I've practically turned myself into a hermit. Now this new debt I'm stuck on what to do. If I spend 0 dollars except under special circumstances and on bills I can have the debt payed off in less than two weeks. But it means I'll have to spend all of my time living in this house just to save on gas.

Again Salvestro and Rimme have both offered me money. I still don't know if I can accept them or not. Yes it's being foolish of me, yes I am being stubborn. But stubbornness is keeping me from being what my parents think I am. Is there any way I can accept money without being what they claim I am?

Are there any ways I can make money independently with my job being so in the crapper? I am legitimately asking here. And if anyone is willing to respond to the journal please do so. I'm excited to hear from everyone.

I'm trying to write a journal more often. Every one to two weeks.

Well this one is something I've had rattling around my head for a while now. I was speaking to  captfox over what were traits he identified in his writing. And to his credit the great Foxed one was easily able to identify what he saw with his own writing, with Matthias and with other MK writers. So of course I asked what did he notice about my writing.

At the time Chris didn't have a response. After posting a fair bit more he might have an answer to me, but it made me think. What do I notice in my own writing? What are the tropes I use, the themes I explore, the weaknesses I have and the strengths I think I have?

Now since this is coming from my perspective it will of course be biased. I may be blind to my own faults and I of course encourage you to tell me what you see in my work. I also ask though that all writers here who read this respond with their own idenitifications. What do you see in your work?

Ok first let's look at Plot. One thing I've noticed with my work is plots of mine usually involve someone ordinary moved into the realm of the Extraordinary. Rarely do they have much choice in it, it's usually due to something outside of their control. Not always, but in Elyssium and my MK work both of my main male characters end up in that situation. The non-MK fantasy work I've written starts with that scenario.

I like having a single character start off against the entire world. Sometimes angry, sometimes scared but isolated from others. I find it's easier to explore the world from an outsider's perspective and slowly bring them into it. Plus you write what you know and I know isolation quite well.

I like to deconstruct what I see as the stories of others. And while they usually start cynical I try to keep them very optimistic in the long run. I said try, not always successfully I admit. But it's the effort that counts.

Plots tend to start slowly for me and pick up speed. Rarely do they start fast and stay that way, mostly because I loathe those kinds of stories. Now I'm not very consistent in terms of what the threat is, sometimes it's a person, sometimes a force and sometimes it's the main character themselves.

Let's move on to characters. This is always my favorite thing to work on, more so than any other aspect of writing. For me the fun is in weaving how the character grows through the plot, seeing them change from beginning to end. Seeing them as different from how they were at the start.

My characters admittedly tend to reflect me. Usually depressed and often poor or students. Not always, but often they meet one of those criteria. They also tend to be depressed because their change is more profound when their arc is at its end.

This is one reason I created Janelle actually. She was a character who wasn't depressed or a student and was only poor because she lived in the Middle Ages and was a single parent. Writing her is unsurprisingly quite difficult. In fact she's easily the most difficult character I have to write since her voice is both distinct and unlike my own.

And one thing I love when writing characters is trying something new. I try to give them distinct dialogue and of late I've written about several characters that don't fit any of my criteria. This is something else I note about my writing, I like a challenge.

Now in my writing I notice some recurring symbols and themes. Loneliness is something I use frequently, how it affects people and what it drives them to do. Another thing I've used multiple times is perception, how do we see stories and how do we tell them. What do we choose to tell and why are we telling it. Going back to Metamor Keep the framing device I have for those stories is my main character's telling stories about their experiences. We're hearing the events from them and thus we're hearing what they deemed important.

I also frequently use coming of age as a theme, or overcoming a trauma. Again this gives me a clear character arc to work with, but it's a theme that can play out a thousand different ways and feel original each time. Everyone changes in different ways, everyone grows and overcomes different things. That's what I love about humanity, we each have our own distinct character arc.

I use some symbols frequently in my stories. Stars usually show up representing the human soul. Masks as symbols of hidden meaning also appear. Water appears in big dramatic moments. And I usually include allusions to mythology, Greek and Mesopotamian especially.

Last things I've noted with my own work. I like using obscure animals in furry stories. Part of it is my absolute dread at seeing yet another fox in a story. A bigger part though is my love of Survivor. Yes Survivor. Survivor takes place in some of the most beautiful locations on Earth and I love taking the animals from there and putting them in stories.

I also like using my rather extensive vocabulary, but when I was a recapper for RNO I was talked out of doing that as often as I used to. Readers didn't know what I was saying. Such is life.

As for flaws, my biggest one is descriptions. I either over do them or under do them. And you can practically hear a clunk whenever I start a description scene. I've asked for advice but I'm not happy with anything I've gotten thus far. Something I can work on I suppose.

So let me ask my writers in the audience, what are your strengths? Your weaknesses? What recurring elements do you see in your writing? And what symbols show up in multiple stories for you?

A friend of mine (you can guess who by the title of this journal) wrote a journal I read while at work. The world has become a place of violence, politics are now a contact sport, and according to someone at the TSA bash, we're headed back to the violence of the 60s and 70s.

My first reaction was "Headed back? We're already knee deep in it."

I decided I had to write about it. I had to make my argument. People are rapidly becoming unable to appreciate beauty due to our politicizing everything. If we do not change, we will stagnate if not die off emotionally. I came to that conclusion while reading Matthiasrat's journal.

This journal though also got me thinking about a movie of all things. One of my favorite movies of all time and one I recently showed to my friend  tireaniwin. The amazing and amazingly underrated Dark City. Director's cut, not the cruddy theatrical version.

Thinking about Dark City made me realize what I was afraid of. Not the violence that seems to permeate politics, that has sadly been around since long before I was born. What frightens me is the increasing group think of those interested in politics and the more set in stone, us-them mentality that people seem to be affected with. And like Matthiasrat, I am afraid we are making everything political, and thus dividing everyone into us or them. We are becoming the Strangers.

Who are the Strangers? They are the main villains of Dark City. If you haven't seen the movie, this is your only warning. Spoilers follow. Alright, with that out of the way. The Strangers are parasitic aliens who are dying off. They've kidnapped hundreds of people and stuffed them inside a self-contained city in outer space. The question is, why are they doing this?

Well the Strangers exist as a hive mind. While individuals do exist in the hive, all of their thoughts and minds are linked. They are lead by Mr. Book, basically the conductor to their orchestra. They all share one goal, to survive. They think humans will give them what they need to survive. What they need is some aspect of the human sole, something never stated. The general theory is that they seek creativity, but I have a different theory. I think the Strangers are looking for beauty.

The Strangers have no...appreciation for emotion. They have know need for beauty. Everything they have, they have for its function. Everything in their shared existence works towards their goal, finding that element of the human sole which will help them survive.

In modern political groups I see the Strangers. When we turn everything political, we turn everything into us-them, we turn those who are not "us" into the enemy. Like the Strangers we keep them at a distance, we don't involve ourselves in them. If something bad happens to them we don't react. They are the enemy, emotions like pity exist only for those on OUR side.

Most tellingly the only time we see most of the Strangers express an emotion, it's anger. And what is causing it? The main hero, John Murrdoch, who is about to change their way of life. He is the one they seek for their salvation, and yet when he is brought before them, the Strangers argue he needs to die. Better to kill him than change.

The Strangers are the concept of Groupthink taken to the Nth degree. The goals of the individual do not exist, all is subsumed by the needs of the group. According to Irving Janus, in groupthink morality is never questioned. Any actions taken for the goal of the group are automatically assumed to be morally good. The Strangers have kidnapped a city full of people and see nothing wrong with experimenting on them. The Strangers must live, so all else is morally acceptable.

Finally in a group dominated by groupthink their are a few very important roles people fulfill. The Leader, in this case Mr. Book, who sets the goal for the group and never allows an outside opinion. When Mr. Book decides to let Mr. Hand get a memory injection only one Stranger speaks up. Mr. Book quickly silences him. Next up you've got the thought police, those most loyal to the leader and who keep the others in line. Here we see Mr. Hand and Mr. Sleep fit this role. They do what Mr. Book says without question, even if it might be harmful for them. Finally you've got the chorus, those who allow themselves to be guided by their leaders. Eventually they are all singing in unison.

When I see people allowing politics to creep into all aspects of their lives, I see them becoming the Strangers. Cold and impersonal, never questioning their views and allowing themselves to be lead by whoever they designate the leader of their group. I once made the mistake of disagreeing with a firmly Conservative friend over their views on...something. Honestly I don't remember. This individual, a very rational and fair minded man, went balistic at me for having the audacity to question their iron clad beliefs.

It frightened me to put it mildly.

And on the flip side I speak regularly to a far-Left furry college proffesor on Twitter. This is one of the smartest men I know. But every few days I see him go on a rant about how the Republicans alone are responsible for the extreme divide between the left and the right. When I give him examples of Democrats doing the same thing he never responds well.

In Dark City the Strangers rewrite people's memories to make them remember what the Strangers want us to remember. In the real world we rewrite our own memories to fit with our conformation bias: https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/70.....ab2a9e67c4.pdf

Like Matthiasrat I used to discuss politics. I don't anymore, because of the extreme reactions I see from the Left and the Right. In the long run I see us becoming like the Strangers. No longer angry at those who are not like us. No instead we no longer see them as people. Just as things, things to be studied from a distance. I worry we may be close to that mindset already as we read articles of people trying to politicize Hurricane Henry. Yes really

So what do we do about it? Well in Dark City the Strangers are looking for some aspect of the human soul to save themselves from their own death. For me the aspect of the human soul they're looking for is the ability to understand and appreciate beauty.

While I was impressed by the Eclipse, that is not what I think of when I think of beautiful celestial events. I turn to the stars themselves. A sea of lights, burning for thousands of years, with beams hitting us a millennia after they first came off the star. I think of ice volcano on Ceres, spewing frozen chemicals into the dark of space. I look at Saturn, this vast and magnificent ringed world, and remember it can float in a bathtub. Yes really.

Then I look at our world. In the region of Jalapao, Brazil, you will find a vast desert of orange sand and lonely trees. What makes that special? In Jalapao the desert only exists at the top of the cliffs. If you climb down the cliffs, you find yourself in a dense forest. The desert is above the forest.

In Palau their is a lake with thousands of jellyfish, stingless, who literally light up when sunglight hits them. If you find that lake, you can swim among the stars.

In Madagascar their is a place known as Tsingy National Park. It is one of the most hostile land masses on Earth with millions of razor-sharp limestone spikes filling it. It is so dangerous we have yet to successfully explore it. And yet every time a team tries, they discover new animals found no where else on Earth.

I believe in God. I believe the ability to appreciate beauty is from God. I believe when we see these beautiful things and they stir our souls, the anger we hold fades away. Groupthink survives by creating a utilitarian mindset, where all things are secondary to the goal of the group. Beauty is what we appreciate outside of our goals, what inspires us and stirs us. In the face of true beauty groupthink fades away.

Because we won't agree on what is beautiful. Some will find one thing beautiful, others will find it hideous. But as long as we have the ability to appreciate beauty we can't be forced into agreeing. On some fundamental level if we find something hideous and someone else tells us it's beautiful, even if they're a part of our group we won't agree.

I find myself agreeing with  Heavensteed. Matthiasrat says one of the things he likes about this fandom is that it isn't political. But as Heaven Steed and I have discussed, it's becoming that way. You see politics appearing more in how people behave in the fandom, in the journals they write or the art that they post. We have furry Nazis now for God's sake. I never thought I'd have to write those words.

On the whole the fandom is very Left wing but with a notable Right wing presence. And increasingly those groups are making their voices heard and their hatred for the other apparent. So how do we counteract this? For me, I look for the beauty in both groups.

I find animals a testament to the Love and never ending creativity of God. And every time I see someone's fursona, I see the animal they identify with, I see that same love and creativity in them. And that is beautiful. The fact we have such a love for the natural world is beautiful. That we want to show our love for our favorite animals, or bring attention to under represented animals is beautiful.

So how do we not become the Strangers? We realize we can still appreciate beauty. We acknowledge it can be found anywhere, regardless of political orientation. And we look for it.

Look for beauty. Find your own distinct pleasures. And relish that you can still appreciate it. No politics can take beauty from you.

I'm at the TSA Bash in Ten. this weekend. And as usual whenever I'm at a con, I feel...something unresolved. Some feeling of isolation even in a group in which I belong. And as usual I have to ask, why do I feel this way? Why is it when they do RPG fun time do I dread it so much? I mean they should do it, they're having fun and they deserve it. But even if invited I wouldn't join in. Partially because the only RPG I've ever had fun with was run by  vrraven but still.

Mostly though it's because I feel out of place. Again this is nothing anyone here has done, they are all wonderful people. Phil the first time I met him made a point to talk to me and make me feel welcome. So no one is doing anything wrong. The issue is with me. As usual it's with me.

And in my case it's that I come to places like this with their own traditions and things they do fur fun and that's great. But they aren't my traditions. I didn't have any say in them, they were there when I arrived. And everyone enjoys them, again good for them. I just don't. And it makes me feel...out of place for lack of a better term. Everyone enjoys doing one thing, they expect to do it. I go the other way.

Part of it is also that I always wonder how close I can get to anyone here. Aside from  rimme I don't talk to anyone from the TSA list or bash with any regularity. I might speak to  matthiasrat once or twice every few months. Otherwise I see them once a year and I don't...feel any desire to try and know anyone. Again this is not against ANYONE here. It's just I see how connected everyone else is and even trying to break into that I feel I will only have limited success. They'll always know each other and be closer to each other than me. And that's fine, they've known each other longer.

But I always have that niggling feeling in the back of my mind, no matter how inviting everyone is. And I suspect part of it is even though I am a transformation enthusiast, my joining this group so much later than anyone besides  rimme limits my presence in it. And yes I could just be talking out of my ass here, a lot of these thoughts come from my rather severe...well I might as well go ahead and announce it.

I got a call after Mass today for setting up a psychiatrist's visit. I might, in fact I probably have bipolar disorder. I'm hoping not, though the alternative is a rather extreme form of depression which isn't much better. Again this knowledge today has weighed on me and today especially my feelings of isolation sky rocketed.

At the same time I have a strange reaction to this isolation. Their are many people I am close to. Their are five in particular who I have a special friendship with. My friends  rimme,  tireaniwin,  vrraven,  indagare and  heavensteed. If I was to bring someone from the TSA anything with me with one or two of them around I bet they'd feel out of place as well.

Having close connections to people isn't bad. The isolation others may feel isn't your fault, it's just a facet of life. I have close spiritual ties with two people online who have helped me grow in my faith,  geoffroidecharny and  salvestro. Matthiasrat knows both and he and Rimme both have hung out with Salvestro in real life. But I feel a special kinship to Salvestro because he convinced me to convert. That relationship is unique, something that can't be penetrated or replicated.

The isolation I feel isn't real, because people are inviting me in. At the same time it is real since all these bonds already existed and I have to form my own. Interactions with people are complicated, sometimes wonderful and sometimes sorrowful. But even if you do feel isolated like I do, you have to accept others have bonds you don't. You have bonds they don't. And you're lonely now, but that is temporary.

It's all temporary. Sometimes it's hard to remember that.

Picked  rimme up last week and we went out last Wed. The drive sucked, in particular the tolls were way over priced. Then we got to the Westin. Boy was I glad we didn't have a lot of luggage, it was two hours before I saw a luggage cart for the first time. We were on the low-low 24th floor. Thankfully I never once had to watch all twenty-four floors. Rimme on the other hand...

Wednesday was rather dull honestly. It was too low key. Wish I had known more people there. The most fun came when Rimme dressed up as Tucker and went around fursuiting. If you've seen his journal, you know his thoughts. Here though is something I was thinking about.

One reason I like being a handler is I can be useful and help someone without qualifications. It's a moment I can do something unselfish and helpful. And I can be helpful without being the center of attention. And I love having people paying attention to me, probably to an unhealthy degree. Maybe their is something addictive about attention. Maybe it's because I am invisible in real life, I dunno.

After Rimme finished suiting, we ate dinner then slept. The Westin is loud, even early then. And I can't sleep easily. I kept waking up hearing people yelling, laughing and drinking. Such is life.

Thursday was pre-reg. Morning was more games, including 7 Wonders Due. Met a fox fur, told him to start an FA and hit me up. Like I said I want to meet more people, so anyone who spoke to me who reads this I invite to say hello. I'd love to talk to you.

Registration, my God in heaven registration. Last year pre-reg had multiple lines, each one divided by alphabetical name. You find your letter, you find your registration. This year, one line. If this sounds like a massive bottleneck, then good news! You don't have brain damage.

Met  lurkingwolf and  matthiasrat while waiting in line. Waited for about an hour, moving at roughly half the speed of a glacier. Finally got through, spent the aftername playing games with those two and three people Lurking knows. One was a Narwhal-wolf hybrid. Narwhals don't have tusks in their foreheads. I know it's magic but I can't accept it, I just can't.

We cheated like crazy at one game then played Room Party. I came in dead last but I laughed a lot so I'll consider that a win. That night Rimme and I played werewolves. I did alright actually, but I was kind of meh about the game. Not sure what about it, just something.

For some reason dinner that night made me sick as a dog. I was up at 6 am and slept maybe 4 hours all night long. So got into the line for the dealers den, spent the time playing a lot of Betrayal at House on the Hill with the usual suspects. about thirty minutes before it opened  vrraven showed up. It was great seeing him, especially since I now had the t-shirt he wanted me to wear.

Finding art was surprisingly hard this time, which I don't know why. I know what I wanted for the most part. God something from and right away, with some others coming later, most notably a badge from , loved that. I will get the other half one day, when I am off on my own, in full color. But not today.

I went off after lunch to help Noir with his suiting. We got back to his hotel after walking the longest five blocks in history, got him into suit and were given wrong information on the shuttle. At the same time we were there their was a model train convention.

Cut to thirty minutes of joy as Noir acts like an overgrown wolf-pup and train enthusiasts line up to take pictures. I got to be photography lizard here, and it's a wonderful example of why fursuiting is awesome. Because you make so many people so happy.

Back at the con was pretty quickly went to the headless lounge. No shock there. I slipped out to get a pic or two, then took more pics of Noir being a loon. Because would you expect anything less? One thing I want to compliment with Noir's suit is the legs. One thing I increasingly noticed here and at FTM is that bad digigrade legs can look like tumors. So happy Noir's look like actual legs.

Had dinner with all my friends that night, then played werewolves with Noir and Rimme. Only won one game the whole time, but I got to use my creativity a lot more here. I had a lot of fun, so much so that when I looked up it was now 3:15 am. Well that was surprising.

That night was a difficult one for reasons I'd rather not get into. Sadly it meant I spent most of Saturday depressed and sick to my stomach.

Gotta go off on a tangent here. It's very important to keep fursuiters hydrated as a handler. But it's also a good idea to keep yourself hydrated. On reflection I realized I only had three drinks of water in about twelve hours. This is NOT ok. This is in fact a fucking stupid thing to do. If you are at a con, suit or not, drink water. Lots of water.

So I spent most of Saturday emotionally messed up and sick to my stomach. Hung out with Lurking and Matt a lot, couldn't help Noir before the parade. Helped Rimme get ready and then sat down to watch it. Well it was shorter than last year if nothing else.

The most amusing thing about it was when the line crashed into itself. If you want my thoughts on the parade please consult the seven image story I've posted in my gallery. I felt left out of course, but I don't have a suit. That comes with the territory. After speaking to a debt councilor, I can be dead free in 10 years. I'll be in it in 2027.

I wanted to go to dinner with Noir and friends after the parade, but I went outside and just...got sick to my stomach. Something about the fumes from the street, I thought I was going to vomit. That would have been impressive with nothing inside of me, but still.

Instead I watched Fursuit Acting with Rimme and a bunch of suiters I don't know. Anyone who was there, who were the people running it? Then watched Joust for about an hour while Rimme went to the Mustlieds panel. Their was a reptile panel but I've bad experiences with AC reptile panels. I think the only one I'll attend are the ones I run. I like running a reptile panel at FTM, I dunno why.

After that played Pandemic: Iberia with Rimme, Lurking and MattRat. Believe it or not we didn't cheat. Even more crazy, we won on the very last turn of the game. That game I love because history nerd, but it does not love me very much. Still we won and then more werewolves, because of course we did.

I played a version I'd never played before where I got to nominate people to go on the block, Big Brother style. I kept nominating MattRat because I was sure he was a werewolf. I was right but no one would vote for him. It's the power of that amazingly long tail.

Noir and I both decided to just spend his last night bullshiting. Showed him Room PArty, shame we never got the chance to play it. Maybe at Fur the More next year we can try. I got to see the stuff he got from the Den, including a box of furry crap. And I finally got to ride in his car, heaviest doors ever.

After that it was Sunday. I slept through my alarm for Mass. In fact I didn't get out of the room until slightly after 10. I was unsurprisingly quite tired. Then went down to the den, picked up my last art and did the unthinkable. I bought a furry book. Yes really, I paid for furry writing after Huvek. My view is this, no matter how bad it turns out to be, as long as its better than Huvek it wont be the biggest piece of fucking shit I've ever read.

MattRat and Lurking arrived later, with Matt's daughter in tow. When The Scarlet Letter called Pearl a fairy child or a sprite, they had it all wrong. Angie is a sprite. She is a never ending source of energy. I was walking around the Den and every few seconds I'd see her run by, followed by a sprinting father in tow. Such is life.

After lunch Rimme put on his Tucker suit. I had probably the most fun watching him play with Matt's child. It's a wonderful moment when you can not think about the world or yourself. Instead you can get lost in the joy of others. Even if you yourself are in the background, you still get to experience it.

That evening Rimme and I had the messiest pizza ever for dinner. Quite good, but it would have done better had we not had it delivered. Because we had no plates. My mistake, I should have thought to bring some since I knew delivering food as always a possibility. Oh well, keep that in mind next time.

That evening I played Vitaculture with Rimme and a furry who's name I've sadly forgotten, couldn't find his FA page. I lost, mostly due to bad cards. Still love Vitaculture though, it's strategic and fun. Will bring it to the TSA bash, to inflict upon others. I hope someone there finds wine as fascinating as I do.

And Monday it was up and home. Such is the way of going to Anthro Con.

God I needed that.

Well on Thurday I drove for about seven and a half hours to Fur the More. I roomed with  vrraven. Nothing felt better then getting out of that car at FTM. Noir thankfully had a luggage cart to carry my crap and the five board games I brought with me. At this point saying I carry board games is like saying the sky is blue.

Thursday was just an arrival day, though I did get checked in. I found it amusing that they tried to set up the registration on 80s style computers, something that seemed to be causing the staff quite a bit of trouble. Thankfully I had pre-reged. I had planned to sponsor like Noir had, but a car and a set of teeth are quite expensive. I will sponsor next year, I like this con and I want to support it.

The theme for the con was 8 bit adventure. Of all the themes they could pick, they picked literally one of the few I couldn't think of a story for. Such is life. I will never understand people's fascination with 8 bit video games but that's just me.

Noir fursuited a little on Thursday, a little on Friday and for quite a long long time on Saturday. I got to be a handler, that was an interesting and oddly fun experience. I never would have thought keeping a six foot fur coat from walking into walls handing him water bottles and carrying his crap could be fun. I dunno, maybe because I could see him having fun with people, maybe because I could take pictures of this.

Either way I quite enjoyed it. It gave me something to do besides just stand there and feel nervous around people. It also forced me to interact with other fursuiters whenever they noticed me trying to take pictures. So that was definitely beneficial to me.

Friday we went to the opening ceremonies. Those were...interesting. Yes interesting is a word. So is historically corny. The opening ceremony amounted to the convention organizers dressing in costumes and making jokes so groan inducingly bad that they come back around and become funny again. They also informed us that scattered around the convention center were plastic coins, collect ten and win a prize.

The Dealer's Den also opened. I got my first ever drawing of Janelle and Remmie, a new badge, a drawing of Jack that is being made and a truly weird looking picture of my fursona looking like a pedo. Noir and I also got a shared drawing that he should be posting online soon.

I did enjoy that every artist I talked to was thrilled to see me. They all loved getting to draw a frilled lizard because of how different it was. I am glad I can be different and give them something new to draw.

Beyond that we played One Night Ultimate Werewolves, Ghost Stories (Spoiler, we lost) and we won The Simpsons Arcade game through the legitimate method of infinite lives. That night Noir and I discussed our different faiths, Catholicism and Wicca. He explained a lot of things I never knew, and I hope I cleared some things up for him. Either way, I am glad I have a friend who would share this with me.

Saturday was the big day. At noon came the fursuit menagerie. Due to the heat and the layout of the hotel, no fursuit parade. Instead they got all the suiters together for their big picture. After that all the fursuiters hung out together in the Zoo and all the people who came to watch them could enter, free of charge, to interact with the suiters. I rather liked that, it meant the suiters could play with the people who usually would just be watching them. I hope they do it again next year.

I also saw a girl, a beautiful girl. Her name, or fursona name, I think was Misha. Short, short black hair and beautiful eyes. I regret not talking to her.

At 2 pm was my reptile panel. Going in the only person I recognizer was  joestrike and even then only because of his art. The discussion was largely bsing about reptiles for an hour, which I admit is what most panels turn into. I had a lot of fun though, I hope to do it again next year.

I missed the TF enthusiast panel after mine, rather sad about that, but I did get to to Noir's panel on fursuit matinence and repair. He gave his panel and I got to be Jr. Deputy Handler Bitch, checking time and handing out water with reckless abandon. Hearing a lot about what it takes to get a furuist made me pause. When I get one, it'll have to have a special made head due to a large bulge in the back of my skull from a bone growth. But that's a concern for the future.

That night we played Werewolves for about six hours. It was an experience full of idiocy, bad calls, no wins by the village and one really fun game where I won as the last werewolf among 11 villagers. That was really cool.

Sunday sadly it came to an end. We packed up and I made a point to buy my first ever con t-shirt. I did so both because I regret not getting one from AC last year and because I really did love this con. Noir and I have both already agreed we're going back to Fur the More next year.

If I am being completely honest, I enjoy this small con more than AC. It's less chaotic for one thing, I can actually go to panels. Also since their are less people there, I can build up more of a rapport with people. Anyone who was at Fur the More and sees this, hit me up. And if you're there next year, well I'll see you then.