I'm off to Fur the More with my friend  vrraven. We'll both be doing panels and hoping to have fun. Lordy Lord knows I need a vacation. More when I return.

My latest piece of bad news is I had to spend $1100 to fix multiple things on my car. Not exactly money I wanted to be spending right now, but I had no option. Either spend the money or go without a car. So I spent the money and as such have forced myself to be pretty much exclusively housebound for the foreseeable future. I can't even spend money on gas right now, so I don't travel unless necessary.

Unsurprisingly spiritually I have been suffering lately. I don't feel comforted by God, I feel alone. And I am sure there is a reason but no one seems to be able to tell me why and it's just making things more difficult for me. And my faith weakens every day because I am so tired of this. I just want some relief, to know this all will count for something eventually, that I'm not just suffering without purpose.

Today seeing  matthiasrat art submissions just brought it all into focus for me. I looked at a picture he had of a camping trip and thought about my last family vacation. My family spent the entire time screaming at each other and wishing death. I can't enjoy art because everything I see lately brings some misery from my own life into focus, or leaves me so full of jealousy I am sick to my stomach.

I need to focus on God, but I can't seem too. I feel dead right now, just barely surviving. Everything I see that I want burns at me and I can't get it to stop. Envy incidentally really is a sin without any kind of victory. You're miserable when you don't have something, you're unfulfilled when you take it because you didn't earn it.

I need some spiritual counseling. Preferably by someone I know on here. I need to talk to someone one on one though, not through just a journal. Right now my life isn't moving anywhere, it's in a holding pattern while I plan my next move. So I need to talk to someone just so I know it will all be okay. And if anyone who reads this is in the NC area, I would love to hang out in real life. It's horrible always being alone.

I was hoping to be writing some journal reflecting on all that has happened for me in the last year, but instead I have the flu. Yes I will be spending my birthday sick with the flu, it really sucks. I was hoping to be spending it reading or playing a game, or really doing anything to relax, that will not be happening.

I will finally, mercifully have some extended time away from my family the last week of April when  vrraven go to Fur the More. Sadly still just shy of two months away. I'm less than happy about that, but I can't do anything about it.

Instead I wanted to write about a few things on my mind. First, I have lately been wondering if all I have gone through lately is from God, to try and help me grow in some way. I admit I can't see it, but I don't know. I don't think anyone can see things when you're this close to it.

If it is, I need lots of encouragement. I have lots of willpower but even I have my limits, and my lack of rest is leaving me frayed. I can't sleep, I haven't been able to for quite a while now, and my mental process is...rusting. I need to fix this and I don't know how.

I also want to say to all of those who are so blessed, I envy you. I shouldn't of course, but it's hard to think that way when your mind is a soup. I encourage you to always be glad for how you are blessed, and for the people in your lives. I hope God blesses me with love and success, but if not I will push forward anyway.

As usual prayer is requested. And if anyone wants to talk, I am on Skype Thursday and Sunday nights usually. Go ahead and say hello, I would enjoy that.

I was hoping to do a different journal tonight. Oh well, I'll write it later. For now, let me share a story from my life. Yesterday I went to the dentist, not worried about my teeth. I had been brushing, flossing, rinsing, doing everything you're supposed to do. Nothing I was doing was wrong.

Hence why it was such a shock to me to discover I had seven new cavities. This didn't make any sense to me, so I did some checking and I discovered my medication was wearing holes in my teeth. I had no idea this was happening, but there they are, all seven of them.

As it stands, I can't even get my cavities filled until August, which is when my insurence kicks in, and then it'll cost $800 still. And I am running the risk of getting an infection in my jaw, which'll push it into the thousands of dollars range and Jesus Christ what did I do to bring this on me?

2017 is two months in and in that time I've been kicked out of school, been in a car accident, broke my phone twice, broke my xbox, had a sinus infection and now got a mouth full of rotting teeth. As it stands I'm starting to wonder if I'm under a gypsy curse.

Ultimately though this will not beat me. I have my goals, I know what I want. I want my PhD. I want to get married and have a family. I want a career I enjoy. I want my ideas on furry writing out there. I want to create the furry answer to Germinal. Getting all of those things means I can not give up.

I've been beaten down so hard this year, but again I am going to pick myself up and dust myself off. I am not going to hide from life, no matter how hard things get. Everything I have done has been like plowing through a brick wall. My seven cavities? That's just one more wall to break down.

I will get everything I desire. Because God has given me willpower, and I will not stop until I succeed.

Well I am still kicked out of school and the school is not budging. To budge would be to admit they made a mistake and they will NEVER do that. So I have to live with it.

In addition this week began with me getting a sinus infection and me having to pay a bunch of extra expenses...let's say my savings are in the crapper. So let's say things have been better.

In one good piece of news, I got my first letter of recommendation. That is the first of three I need. Sadly it was the easiest one. Still, it's something I can work at. I can keep moving from here until I have what I need.

It's frustrating not being able to read, write or work. I can't focus long enough to do any of those things. I know, I'll get well soon. But I want to be working now, not soon. And as soon as I'm well it's back to my job, which I increasingly view as a time sink.

I feel unfulfilled of late. Maybe it's loneliness. I need a cure for that. I have yet to find one though (sigh). Just another thing to work towards though.

I graduated last December, but I still needed letters of recommendation and to avoid my loans activating. SO I had to stay in school. Now thankfully my adviser told me all I had to do was register. Except not, I had to enroll as a student not seeking a degree.

I didn't know that, mostly because my adviser hadn't told me. My adviser has been worthless to the point I started to wonder if it was on purpose. She either lied to my fucking face or was too worthless to bother looking up a basic piece of info. My money is on the former, she has done this so fucking much to me that I must assume she's doing this on purpose.

Anyway, I was enrolled without being enrolled. Want to know what happens in that case? The school waits until you're past the date to enroll again (I want to make that clear right now, they waited until it was too late). Then they kick you out of your class, kick you out of school and tell you're going to be removed by school security if you go to class.

When you protest they tell you that they're using you to make an example. Because we can't have people stealing education after all. When you say that you were mislead by an adviser so worthless they fired her pathetic ass, they tell you how sorry they are and they'll refund the cost of your parking pass.

Yes they weren't going to do that originally. Oh boy was I not happy to hear that.

As it stands I'm irritated. I want to get my PhD application in. I don't want to go back to school. I want to convince my professors to give me those stupid letters. So I've decided I will. I'm swearing this, by this time next year I will have an acceptance letter from SC. I will make it into there.

Anyway, unsurprisingly I'm a bit burned out. I need a vacation. For now I'm going to get those applications together.

I don't actually have any. I've begun thinking of things less in terms of years and more from week to week. Two weeks ago I got my Masters, so next year is planning for my PhD. So that's something I suppose.

Mostly I just want to make it through the next few weeks. TO all those I text I am sorry if I have not been available. Of late my work schedule was increased from 25 to 55 hours a week leaving me quite exhausted. In terms of writing I've done none. I need to post more MK stories but I am near collapse as it is.

For example I got two movies for Christmas and I've not watched either of them. All I do is go to work and then come home. I've been doing some studying between classes which is actually kind of pathetic but very important and God I am rambling.

What do I want to see in the next year? All of the college students who believe cthat destroying liberty so no one is offending dying in a fire. Or at least gaining some perspective. I want to see the assault on free speech. And I want a good horror movie.

I want letters of recommendation. I'm still working on those. I would really like to see my friends happy.  heavensteed if you see this know I am cheering for you dude.

I would like to go to Fur The More and Furlandia again. I'm saving up for that.

And I'd like to finish a big story. We'll see what happens.

As an anarchist I despise...pretty much everything about our current political system. Not the system itself mind you but the fact it seems to attract ego maniacs driven by nothing more than a desire to increase their own power or prestige. And in this election we had a candidate who I thought personified that more than ever before. I am of course talking about the one, the only, Donald Trump.

I rarely vote in elections. I don't like lending my support to political parties and I don't want to seem to be participating in a system I think is corrupt. But this year I did it. I actually voted against Donald Trump. Not for Hillary Clinton (this will be important), but specifically against Donald Trump.

The way I figured it was he would never get elected. The people just couldn't be that stupid. Hillary Clinton had the bigger political machine. She had celebrities endorsing her. She had Republicans endorsing her. How could she lose to Donald Trump? Well she did. And if I had pulled my head out of my ass for five seconds, I would have seen why.

When Trump was elected I was horrified. I ended up getting into an argument with my friend  born2beagator, and I am sincerely sorry that I did. I didn't want four minutes under Trump much less four years. But it happened, it happened even though I couldn't understand why. So after some time reflecting, and a long shift at work, I started looking to find out why.

I went looking for Trump supporters online and I spoke to a few at work trying to find out what they wanted. Did they want this racist misogynist in the White House? Surprisingly the most common answer I got was no, they didn't. What they wanted were better jobs and a President who didn't insult them and expect their votes.

Possibly the stupidest thing Hillary Clinton said during her doomed campaign was calling Trump supporters "a basket of deplorables". Most of the Trump voters I spoke to kept coming back to that statement and how much it pissed them off. Many of them thought that the Democrats viewed them as rednecks or idiots, to be ignored and forgotten about. Many of them didn't like that celebrities endorsed Hillary. They didn't care that Lebron James thought she was a good candidate, they wanted to know they'd be able to find work.

And this is what I missed and what so many others missed. Hillary Clinton went about this election like it was already in the bag. She didn't try to appeal to the people of Michigan or Wisconsin, she figured they ideologically supported her. Most people though aren't motivated by ideology, they're motivated by wanting a better life.

What probably surprised me the most when I started looking into Trump supporters was how many supported Obama. They supported him because he was going to fix the economy! And he...failed pretty miserably there. He focused on health care, which at least two of the people I spoke to said just made their financial situation worse. Hillary Clinton promised to be more of the same. They didn't want more of the same, they wanted something to change.

Another common thing I noticed was how out of touch they thought the Democrats were. Apparently to the Democrats the US is made up of two coasts with maybe a few cities between them. The rest of the country was filled with racists and homophobes who wanted things to go back to how they were in the 50s. Except again several of the people I spoke to were none of those things. They weren't racist, they weren't scared of gay people, they were broke. They wanted someone to sympathize with them.

Secondly, Hillary didn't do much to inspire people. As I mentioned I didn't vote for her but against Donald Trump. I read stories in my home state of Hillary supporters choosing not to vote because the lines were long. In contrast Trump supporters got out there and they cast their votes. Trump, whatever his faults, inspired people to vote for him. Hillary didn't.

Then you get Hillary Clinton being endorsed by people like Lena Dunham who declares everyone who wont support Hillary is a backwards caveman who we'll be better off without. Boy that's a sound strategy: "You're all racist, vote for me!". During the election I didn't see the problem in stuff like that. I bought into the narrative too, I figured Trump supporters were all racist.

So why did Hillary lose? She forgot about half of the country. She appealed to the limousine liberals and was quick to insult anyone who would support Trump. And people like me missed it because we went along with it. That's what makes me the most sad.

As a Christian I am supposed to love all people as God loves me. And this election made me realize boy oh BOY have I failed miserably at that. The Democrats in general have as well, but I can't control that. I can control what I do. And I need to start remembering people out there have feelings and worries. They can't just be classified as white trash and be pushed aside. We need to remember them. If we don't, this will keep happening again and again.

Unfortunatly since the election I've gotten to see articles like this (https://www.yahoo.com/style/dont-ag.....164149299.html) asking why they should care about Trump supporters? They're all racists and homophobes. Except as I mentioned, they aren't. They're people who are angry at being forgotten. Deciding you don't have to care about them makes everything worse. If you ignore them then...then I hope you like candidates like Trump because you'll be getting more of them.

I think David Wong of Cracked.com summarized it best. Many Trump supporters believed Washington didn't give a shit about them, and they're correct. They only cared about their vote, nothing else. If we don't start caring though, this is going to happen again. And we'll have no one to blame but ourselves. For the Democrats I suggest you do what one twitter poster said, find a tactic besides having wealthy celebrities mug at the camera about how dumb the GOP is.

I don't think Donald Trump will do a good job. I think he'll get himself impeached. But it doesn't matter what I think, he won! He is going to be President. That's why when I hear about people petitioning the Electoral college to vote for Hillary, all I can do is scream at how asinine that is. This is when you need to be showing all the people you forgot that you do care about them. Your way of doing that is to cheat their candidate out of the election he legitimately won? Yeah that won't cause any problems.

To all the celebrities out there threatening to leave the US now that Donald Trump won, let me just say this: Please leave. I will donate money if you will leave. I want you to go and I even know where I want you to go. I want you to go to Juarez Mexico. Because after listening to people claiming that Trump will end Obamacare, like it's the end of the world, I them to get some fucking perspective on what an actual difficult life is like.

I believe Donald Trump will go down as our worst President and most likely get himself impeached. I'd love to be wrong though. I never want anything to be terrible, not even his Presidency. Ultimately no one knows what'll happen besides God. The rest of us just have to wait and see.

I was originally going to write a long journal about being taught humiliation instead of humility at work, and then I woke up and felt like my chest was exploding. As it turns out I had an infection. Go figure. Now I've got antibiotics and I've been told I'll be fine but I feel like complete garbage so any well wishes or prayers appreciated.

I usually don't signal boost. But I'm going to now. A friend of a friend,  spazzoid is broke. And having been there too often (including right now) I'm putting out his add. He has $380 to his name. And he is taking commissions.

I've been broke to often through no fault of my own, just life. So I want to help. I hope he can get some commissions.

Please Don't Read Unless You're Willing to Comment

When I was with  geoffroidecharny and I watched how he was with his wife and his son, I was amazed. This house was so peaceful. Geoffrey was a loving parent and a good husband. It was very nice to see. When I was with  matthiasrat again I felt it, sense of love and unity in this house. Then I looked at my own family by comparison.

I've been thinking for a while, to work out my issues one at a time, each thing that is a red envy button for me. Today I want to discuss familial issues. I ask if you read, please comment. You don't have to post, send a note. You don't have to post anything long, just a hug is nice. But of late I've had so much trouble remembering I'm not alone, so it would help.

My grandfather has never to my knowledge told my father he loves him. I mention that because to my knowledge my father has never told me that either. In fact my family has a lot of trouble expressing emotions except anger. We are great at yelling at each other, or stewing on grudges for months at a time, which is one of the reasons I've ended up the neurotic mess I am.

Their is also no way around it, my parents are very good at making me feel unwanted. If not unwanted at least of less value then my brother. Let me give a few examples. When I was fourteen, I was suffering from sever depression and bullying so bad it would force me to change schools. My grades suffered and I was completely withdrawn.

My mother though took the time to talk to me about this. Again I must stress this really happened. Why? Because what she said to me was "Jack, you're just not working out. You need to figure out what's wrong and fix it. If you don't I'll have to wash my hands of you."

She's never apologized once. To this day I know if I don't measure up, she'll just cut me off from her. As frustrating as she is, their is something terrifying about your mother judging you a loser.

Then I come to my father. My father to his credit does try to connect to me. Unfortunately, this is only if my brother isn't around. If my brother is, then he ignores me also. His reasoning as he explained was "It's not that I like your brother more, it's just I can talk to him and do stuff with him." Gee thanks. Last year in his effort to prove he didn't love my brother more then me, my father got my brother an internship without my brother having to lift a finger. He didn't even fill out an application.

In contrast I've applied and worked for every job I have. My father told me it's just that no one needs my skill set. And yes those were his exact words. Life is wonderful sometimes.

Now to his credit he said he'd have found me an internship if he could. I do believe that. But it doesn't change the fact my brother didn't lift a finger and received something. I've had to work for jobs, schooling and getting to go to furry conventions.

Their is no way for me to change the nature of my family. It has taken me a while to realize that but it's true. I've tried to be the dutiful, loving and kind son. All that's gotten me is a position as the whipping boy. I can't fix them. And I have been left messed up. I don't trust myself to write a scene of Janelle punishing her son, I've asked  indagare and Matthias to look it over for me. My own situation has left me so screwy that familial relations that are healthy are a foreign thing.

And that's why I am jealous of Geoffrey and Matt when I see their family situations. Because mine is terrible and it can't be fixed. Because growing up I grew up with a family that did try. They did. But they had their own issues and just messed me up in the process. Because I can't change the past and I have to learn how to live with it.

I asked everyone who read to comment because I am looking for advice. This is my first issue, how do I stop envying the families of others? How do I come to terms with my own? Sadly I suspect their is no way beyond just living with it. I don't have a family that loves me the way others have and I just have to live with it.

I've got a lot of willpower though. I have the support of God and my saints. That'll have to be enough.

Every year at the TSA Bash  matthiasrat does an event where he dresses up in part of his fursuit and reads a story. Why he does it in part of a suit I don't know, but hey who cares. What matters here is I hate his story hour, even as other people love it. Why is that?

Well, in college I worked for a fiction publication. I used to do dramatic readings of the really terrible stories, I did this once a week for four years. When I see Matt doing this, I'm reminded of what I used to do. Of when I was the center of attention. And sitting through his reading just reminds me that I'm not.

Boy this sounds like whining, but I'm going somewhere with this.

Not enjoying his story hour is fine. Wanting to keep others from enjoying it is not. That's when you've crossed the line into envy. Not just wanting what others have, but desiring their misfortune. And it's something that I don't just feel occasionally. I feel it all the time.

I've been told Envy is the least confessed to sin. Well I am confessing in full force. I confess I envy  matthiasrat for his success,  vrraven his fursuit and friendships,  salvestro for not having to pretend to not to be Catholic. And it's a toxic feeling. Because on some level you want what your friends have, but you want them not to have it.

Envy means wanting harm to befall those you care about. You won't admit it, you won't want to admit it, but you want something to happen to the people you care about. It makes interacting with them awkward because all you can think is how much you want what they have.

Envy is also a stupid sin. When I see Matthias for example, I see his family, his happiness. I don't see how he got here. I see Noir having fun in fursuit. I don't see what happened last week. I just see what I want to see. This is what envy does to you. It blinds you to anything but what you want. Never mind any unhappiness they've gone through, you are sure yours is worse.

This is the sin I suffer from worst of all. And it is accurately called the No Win Sin. If you get what you want, you don't quit wanting things, you just want something new. You don't get a positive feeling if something bad happens to those you care about. You feel horrid because you know you wanted it. Envy can even hold you in place in your life (interestingly enough). It leaves you depressed, unable to motivate yourself to improve your situation.

Everyone has something better than you. You'll never be as special as them.

And of course that isn't true. In my own life I know I have gifts. But just as an example, when  rimme and I came to my house, I didn't feel special. Why? Because over dinner my parents started again talking about my brother, how he now has a job and how they want him to refuse it if a better offer comes up.

This is in contrast to me being told just take whatever comes up. You won't get a better chance.

The thing is, my family will always care about my brother more. Their is nothing I can do to undo this. And I am envious of him. I have to accept that my family cares more for him. It is horribly unfair. But their is nothing I can do. No one can make things fair.

I want to overcome my struggle with Envy. Sadly I go at this alone, or almost alone. I have the love of God with me. And I hope the encouragement of people on here.

I spent a fucking hour writing a journal about my London trip and the goddamn hing got wiped when my computer froze. You want to hear about it? Ask me. Otherwise I don't know if I'm putting one here. I'm really fucking pissed.

I'm off to London until the 14th. Prayers and good wishes appreciated.

I'm a logic driven, rational lizard who tries to suppress his emotions and not give in to childish immaturity.

Except at Christmas.
This time of year is magical for me. On an emotional level, it's the only time I feel at peace. People fight less, people care about others more. It helps me rest knowing that at least once per year I can see the better aspects of humanity rather then the never ending sorrow.

On a spiritual level it's even more moving. One year I will visit the Holy Land and I will visit Bethlehem. Right now they're celebrating Christmas there. What was it like on the first Christmas in September? (Assuming it was September, the calendar is a bit screwy). I wonder what did those shepherds think when they saw the Lord, as an infinite. So fragile and powerful all at once.

This is the season of beauty. It's the time of year when we can believe things will get better. Because we know that God is in control, no matter what we will survive. For the first time in weeks I was able to relax without anxiety medicine because I felt peace.

And in God's name I wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

 indagare and I are very concerned. Ever since the horrific attack on Paris by Daesh, their has been concern in the United States of terrorists attacks on our soil. And this is a legitamite fear, in the last fifteen years terrorists have killed over 3,000 US citizens!

Unfortunately there is an even bigger danger to the United States we wish to draw your attention to. We've focused for so long on terrorists we've missed the group that in the last fifteen years has killed more than 400,000 people!

This group has engaged in genocide on the United States shores, has been guilty of propogating a culture of fear, mistrust and violence against our people. Should this group go unpunished? Should we just turn the other cheek and let them get away with it? Should we love our enemy and pray for those who persecute us?

Of course not! It would be foolish! In fact you might start making the silly argument that you should do the opposite of what this group wants rather than the right thing! We can't have that! We must always do the right thing by the United States!

As long as these people are out there, we are in danger of a violent death! We have to protect the United States from its greatest threat: the United States! We propsition that we begin bombing America immediately, starting with its capital and then going to financial centers like Wall Street and holds of sin like Las Vegas!

After all, if we're going to bomb countries and topple foreign governments that destabilize and entire region and allow for a terrorist group to form in the first place for only killing a few thousand US citizens, how much more do we need to bomb the United States for its hundred of thousands of deaths against US citizens?

Only through bombing raids can we keep the US safe from the US! I'm sure the war won't take very long and we'll find all the hidden weapons of mass destruction it's been hiding!

Well about a month ago I applied to be in an international program that would allow me to have a micro class (two weeks) in England studying Shakespeare. It is being given by an ex-professor so I figured "What the hell, I'll try it." Well my success rate was not high, most applicants were being rejected.

Well congratulate me.  jackthelizard is going to London! Right after my birthday (literally the day after my birthday) I will be traveling to London to study Shakespeare. I can't believe this, my head is spinning. I'm going to be in London and Stratford-on-Avon.

My views on Shakespeare is that he's one of the greatest writers in all of human history and without his writing I wouldn't be the man I am. So am I happy for this chance? I'm drooling right now. If I could see any plays I'd go with Twelfth Night, Coriolanus, Antony and Cleopatra and King Lear. No idea if I'll have the chance but who cares I'm going to London!

I recommend Shakespeare to all fuzzbutts and scailtails of course. Start with comedies, move on to tragedies and see it on stage when you get the chance (I don't). The writing is poetic, the stories beautiful, the plots more violent than Kill Bill and they're just fun.

Of course I want prayers that everything goes just fine. And I'm so excited, I'm going to England!

I found out a few days ago  matthiasrat has thyroid cancer and my first reaction was...wow. A friend of mine is sick. Even with something easily treated (as far as cancer goes) that was...wow. You're never ready for something heavy happening to a friend, it just...yeah.

But something else happened while I was reading Matthias' journal, something very odd. I thought of a reason to praise God during this. No I am not praising God for giving a friend cancer, I'm a sick and twisted lizard but not that sick. No, I thought of a reason to praise God despite my friend being sick. After a while I decided to take these jumbled thoughts and turn them into a journal.

Praising God anytime you or a friend is going through trouble's is unbelievably hard. Yet it's expected of us (hell in Romans 5: 2-5 its not just expected, its a good thing that can help us grow in our faith). So all I can do is pray for my friend and write this journal.

What is the greatest desire God placed in humanity? The desire to know Him? Well yes obviously but go deeper in that. Why do we want to know God? Why do we want to know about the world we're inhabiting? Why do we care to look up why the sky is blue or why tokay gecko's have no eyelids?

They all are part of the same desire, in my opinion the greatest desire God put in humanity. The desire to know. We as a species are driven by this, to seek out problems and try to understand them. We hunger for knowledge of the world around us and of our own bodies.

This also applies to our relationship with God. Blessed Columba Marmion made a point in Christ in His Mysteries, we seek out knowledge of God. Because God makes Himself available to us, we seek to know Him better. This drive motivates us and motivates how we grow spiritually.

This desire also motivates us to grow as a species. We don't just want to know because we're curious, though that is how it begins. We want to know as I mentioned because we seek out problems, we want to fix those problems. We seek out alternate fuel supplies to fix the problems of limited fossil fuels, we are trying to find cures for cancer because cancer is killing a lot of people.

I have a reason to praise God then despite my friend being sick. Because not to long ago, one hundred years or so, this would have been a death sentence. Things we take for granted, like the importance of killing germs through sanatizing or medications that help keep us healthy, only exist because of this desire.

Why do I consider this the greatest desire God put in us though? Because for me at least, this is more proof that God loves us than anything else. He doesn't want us to stagnate as a species. He wants us to improve our lives and gives us the means to do so. Knowledge is out there, we know it is and all we have to do is seek it out.

I am terribly sad Matthias has cancer and I will pray for him. But I can still be happy because he'll be alright. God has given us the desire to know how to fix this problem and thus Matthias will be okay. Life changed yes but still alive. That is a bargain to me.

Okay so I went to Anthrocon 2015 and I had a blast. I'm actually surprised by how much fun I had.

I picked up  dreamselfwolfkp on Tuesday and we left on early Wednesday. It took six hours but we arrived at our Econo Lodge, which I wont be staying at next year. I'll leave it at that.

We explored Pittsburgh, getting lost and repeatedly stuck in traffic. We found the convention center where we were supposed to meet  indagare later that evening, but despite being told repeatedly to bring water, no one told us about parking. We found a place thankfully.

Indagare was eventually ready but his dinner ran so late we largely missed him. The next day (Thursday) Katie and I went to run errands until noon. Then we showed up in order to register and boy was parking hard to find. We'd show up early from now on. We got registered and got ribbons of shame that told everyone this was our first con.

After 2:00  matthiasrat showed up and we hung out with him until we went home. The next day we agreed to get up early, very early and be in line for the Dealers Den. We showed up, meeting Matt again and seeing  lurkingwolf with him. We ran up the stairs, and I ended up second in line (darn rat), but I got to spend hours playing cards, hanging out with friends and finally meeting  salvestro and  vrraven in real life.

This alone made my trip. Just the chance to hang out with people I've wanted to meet in real life for so long. It made happy, it made the exhaustion and constant running all worth while. I loved that morning just because I was having fun with all of my friends. I never get that here and I know I wont so long as I am here. But that's another story.

I also got to meet  comus, someone who's art first introduced me to TF. I also met Matthias' friend  elenakhatika, who is also a reptile fan. Really wanted to talk more to of them, but didn't get a chance for much. Too bad.

When the DD opened I took off in a run followed by my wolfdog. I ended up getting an amazing comission from  darknatasha thanks to Matthias, a badge from  kacey, pictures from  redcoatcat,  keedot (this one is going to be mailed to me) and  shinigamigirl . I'll be uploading these later but needless to say I burned through my money fast.

Also got a t-shirt, yay! Took in the panel on reptiles, it didn't impress me. The guy running it didn't know what to do in all honesty, but he was passionate and I won another badge by answering a question.

I spent Friday evening with Katie and Noir, which was awesome. Noir finally instructed me on Dungeons and Dragons, I had a blast. I can't thank him enough for taking the time to sit and explain this stuff to me.

Saturday we got there a little later, but not by much, needed to get good parking. Hung out with Noir in the morning and Salvestro in the afternoon. Watched the fursuit parade, honestly didn't really enjoy it. Maybe if I was in it but after a while I got bored watching people march by in fursuits. I did hug Matthias though in fursuit.

For dinner I spent time with Indagare and Noir, both of whom would be leaving Sunday. I ran around Pittsburgh with Katie, Indagare and a half-unsuited Noir, carrying his own head. What does it say about me that none of this feels weird? Probably that despite my best efforts, I am in fact a furry. I also hugged fursuit Noir, big for me.

Sunday Katie slept in while I joined  catholicfurries for Mass. I actually broke down weeping in the middle of Mass, just from sheer joy. I was so happy to be here and I knew for once I'd be okay going home. I know I can leave this stuff behind and move out, I can survive.

Anyway, I picked up Katie and we went to the Rodent's panel. I quite like rats, almost picked one for my fursona, and I actually got more out of this and about my fursona then from the reptile panel. I also realized I had watched next to none of the movies that other furries do. I'll rectify that later.

I got to carry Matt's box but I didn't turn into a rat (take note Lurking). Me and Katie looked around the DD some before it closed, I picked up my picture from Red Coat Cat (it'll be on here later today). We then went out and had dinner with Matthias, Salvestro and LurkingWolf. Katie and I ate expensive pizza and I got to discuss writing, furrydom, Metamor Keep, Mass and how awesome having friends is.

We went back to the convention center and Salvestro sang a song for us. That was interesting. If he remembers, I'll sing the Champagne Aria for him next year. After that it was done, AC over and another year without furries ahead of me.

Matthias said I'm going through what he did the first few times he left big furry events. If so, then eventually I'll get used to it. For now though I'm happy and sad in equal measure. If nothing else though, I'm not alone.

Today I attended Mass, which as a Catholic is kind of a duh thing. But for me it is extremely difficult, since I usually am working on Sunday or I'm getting pulled to my family's Baptist church. So I was very happy, thrilled actually even though I still feel a bit out of place.

Now for me going to Mass is important, not just because it's not easy for me or because it's what Catholic's are expected. For me going to Mass, this is the only chance I get to express myself. To be the me I am deep down, not just the me my family expects.

When I came home from Buffalo, what just about killed me was the fact I have to go back to pretending I am the son my parents want me to be. I am not that guy, that guy is a tool with no ambition in his life. I am a Catholic by my own choice and one with much joy.

Being the man I want to be is one of the most difficult tasks for me. It seems so odd but when your family expects things that are at odds with who you are, it can be very hard. You have to put on a face and a smile, pretend to be someone you're not, be the man they want.

My favorite quote from an opera is "Tramuta in lazzi lo spasmo ed il pianto
in una smorfia il singhiozzo e 'l dolor, Ah!" from Pagliacci. In English it translates as "Turn your distress and tears into jest,
your pain and sobbing into a funny face – Ah!", and for me it fits my life. Smile and laugh even when you feel crushed.

So for one day a week I can shed the make up. I can be the real man instead of the fake one I pretend to be. This is what Mass means to me, the chance to shed who I am and be the man God knows.

It's funny that to me so many people in this fandom put on costumes and use fake names. To me this fandom is like Mass on Sunday, stripping that crap away. Being free and able to breathe.

But tomorrow is Monday, so put on your costume, your powder, your paint and laugh clown laugh!

Well I made it home. And I wish I could turn around and go back.

I hate this place. I want to kill myself instead of being here. I get home and my mother's reaction is to tell me to avoid a dead bird, let me and Rimme carry our own stuff and to look at me with just a look of disgust.

I'm not joking either, if I have to live here another year I will shoot myself. This place is becoming my hell, I can't live here. I'm not coming home to anyone, I'm coming home to an emotional dead zone.

I don't know what to do. I hate being here because I have to pretend. I'm not a furry, I'm not a Catholic and I'm just some asshole. That has to stop, I need to be me. And I'm so sick of having to bite my tongue or being afraid all the people here are going to lose it and burst.

A special thanks to  rimme and  matthiasrat for what they've done for me. Rimme for being my friend, riding with me and sharing a room with me. Matthias for saying the Rosary and attending Mass with me. The TSA group for letting me know how it feels to be loved. I'm not used to that.

I have to get out of here. I can't live here anymore.

Warning:This journal focuses on a frilled lizards spiritual progress and Roman Catholicism in particular. If this bothers you, the author invites you to build a bridge and get over it.

Approximately ten months ago I came to the realization I would be converting to Roman Catholicism because it was logical and gave me a degree of calm in my life. In the intervening time this decision has not changed. If anything it has gotten stronger, especially after some reflection last night.

Since late September I have said the Rosary daily. This has not always been easy as I have to do so in private, lest my family be offended by Catholicism under their roof. The problem is I've been having trouble focusing on it when I do pray. In part because I have no privacy and in part because the little voice whispers in my ear I can be having more fun right now.

Well as I recited the Rosary last afternoon, two things came upon me. First is the kind of distractions that are the most dangerous, at least to me. That voice in my ear is it, the things I love...are dangerous at times in my spiritual journey. Let me start by going to something from my past.

I was raised in the Southern Baptist tradition. This means that I was told alcohol, sex, drugs and all the other dangerous things could derail your spiritual progress. By comparison we didn't spend much time on fun things because all things fun are related to the Southern Baptist church right! Well no and despite this fact being kind of obvious it passed me by until yesterday.

The most dangerous distractions for me are the pleasurable ones when I focus on them and not how the come from God. When I stop appreciating beauty as a reflection of God and just see it as a means to its own end. Instead of thinking to myself when doing the Rosary "I could be doing something more fun" I thought "I get to do this. Get to. How do I stay focused?"

Well this leads to a second thing I focused on, in my case the Marian aspects of the Rosary. Marian devotion is not something as a Southern Baptist I did. Like ever. Because for us if it wasn't God we can just ignore it, even things that come from God (don't ask how that works I barely know).

Well while I was praying and focusing on this, I finally began to understand something from Marian devotion. How can this help me in my growth with God? Answer, while focusing on praying I realized Marian devotion is helping me clear my mind. Even if only briefly I'm able to get all distractions out of my mind.

So to this I thank God for being patient with me, for giving me devotions that can help me clear my mind and a way to grow with Him. I thank God for providing his blessed Mother for us. I thank Salvestro for bring me to Catholicism. and I thank everyone who helps me.

I'm sick as a dog with the flu. I've been waiting to write this for weeks now, might as well go ahead and do it. When I get sick, I fixate on dying. I do not want to die. Even when I know I'll get well, I still fear it. It's not an easy fear but a common one.

I want to talk about my favorite Tolstoy book, The Death of Ivan Ilyich. This story is less than 100 pages, about a high court judge named Ivan Ilyich. Ilyich is forty-five years old, wealthy, successful and his career is on the rise. He has a wife, a daughter, a son, a nice apartment, a series of servants and anything that a man could buy. Then he slips while hanging some curtains, injuring himself and leading to his death.

Ilyich at first notices a pain in his side, then a strange taste in his mouth. Doctors can't help him and his wife is more concerned with him getting back to work. Before long it's apparent he is dying. Soon Ilyich is laid up, he can't move due to intense pain and the only people who care are his son and servant.

During this long period, Ilyich reflects on death. He first searches for a way to avoid death. He can't find one, doctors and miracle cures don't help. He tries to find meaning in his death, except their is no meaning. He died from hanging curtains for God sake. Yet at the end, he quits being afraid. Why?

Ilyich reflects on his life, his wife's life. They are obsessed with the accumulation of things. They don't care for each other except in regard to how they can live a more comfortable life. This isn't a life though. It's an artificial nightmare existence. Ivan Ilyich isn't a man. He's a collection of stuff and titles.

True life is shown through his servant Gerasim. Gerasim is a happy man, he enjoys his life. He shows sympathy Ilyich's wife is incapable of showing. He is loving and kind, while Ilyich himself was not able to be. Ilyich realizes that this is a real life. He also realizes something else. This fear of death comes from his artificial life.

Ilyich lives a life free of meaning. He realizes that though and sympathizes with his wife and daughter. In that moment he shows compassion. In that moment he no longer fears death. Finally even as his death comes, it holds no dominion. Ivan Ilyich does not die.

This story is one of my favorites. Death is a fear I have, a fear many people have. It's in our lives, it's everywhere. This book analyzes it better than any other book on the subject. It points out that if we want to live, we should live. We shouldn't allow meaningless things to hold us hostage.

Life is about forgiveness. It's about love. It's about being alive. Sickness frightens me because I fear I wont have the chance to live. But on reading this I know I have and am living. I have so many chances still to take. It's all beautiful. It's so wonderful.

As everyone knows, I am a student and I am studying literature. I wasn't originally sure I was going to write about this but it's been bothering me for a few days. If you know anything about the state college system of my home state, you know that the people in charge of it are trying to shift funding away from humanities and towards more money in vocational programs. Many of my classmates were stunned and are ready to riot. Me? I was actually surprised it took this long for something like this to happen.

When I told my family I wanted to study English, I set off a fight that has still not ended despite me being in grad. school. For my family what I am studying is worthless, what I am doing with my time is pointless. My parents have for the most part quit telling me that, though my brother makes sure to remind me he's getting a real degree and I'm not every chance he can.

To me it's only natural the state college system follows suit. We view English as worthless or not having enough function. We live in a society that prizes the practical function of something over all else. The fact that literature allows people to express themselves, to add color to a world in desperate need of it or to show the way others besides ourselves view the world is irrelevant. What matters is function, always function.

When I was speaking to a fellow student at school a couple of weeks ago, we discussed our different tracts in English. He is studying linguistics, a social science, while I am studying literature, a humanity. He explained to me that he was studying linguistics because it would allow him to better understand language, to better help people communicate. We live in a more global society and language is very important.

I made the foolish decision of asking what he thought of my field of study. Answer:"Well you can always recommend books for people to read." Funny, that's also something you can get from a librarian.

What I do is much more complicated than read and talk about books. I go over texts from a variety of eras and cultures, I study them and scan them for meaning, I make comparisons to other works, I critique them from different perspectives, I study the culture they were written in, I even study how printing was done in the time period. What I do is much more in line from what you get from a historian, not a librarian.

Yet if I try to tell people about what I do, I can actually see their eyes glaze over. If I try to claim what I do is important, I'm told it isn't and I'm lucky I can call studying English work. You never see a statistician have to deal with this crap.

I am very self conscious about what I study and the field I work in. I have people treat me like a kid when I tell them I study English, or an dunce with nary a thought in my head. I want the study of literature to be taken seriously and I want to be acknowledged as someone working hard in a field that matters, not wasting money on a joke degree. But I can't even convince my own family.

I have to convince people. I have to show them I am intelligent and hard working, through lots of work and never stopping. It wont be easy. Not for one second. I have to be patient and just keep working.

Two of my favorite quotes come from this idea of being patient and persevering. The first comes from Rose Among Thorns: "Yet divine Goodness would not have called you to the path on which you are traveling without strengthening you for all this; it is for him to bring this work to completion. Even if He takes long to accomplish it, be patient: the task requires it."

The second comes from James, Chapter 5, starting at verse 7: "Brothers and sisters, be patient until the Lord comes again. A farmer patiently waits for his valuable crop to grow from the Earth and for it to receive the autumn and spring rains. You too must be patient. Do not give up hope, because the Lord is coming soon."

I keep these in minds with most things I do. God has put me to work where I am for his purposes. I must stick with it. Eventually it will all work out according to his will. Until then I wait and work. And I hope for everything to work out.

Today my wonderful friend  vrraven informed me he would be unable to pay for a room for AC, so my hopes of going this year died. Which means yes I will again be furry convention free this year. Wonderful.

I'm sad for him because of how much he enjoys it. But (and I know this is selfish) I'm just disappointed that it happened. I'd been looking foreword to this since...well July of 2014 and now it's off. And I can't afford to pay for myself. (sighs).

This week has been a bad week. I've been getting over the worst sinus infection I've ever had and today as I found out AC was out for me, I found out my brother signed the lease on an apartment. That my parents will pay for for him. It's been a rough day.

Now I ask, what can I do? Answer is find a better job, not that it'll get me to AC this year but at least I could afford to live on my own and maybe get somewhere next year. I hate living in North Carolina. I hate living isolated from all of my friends in the land of white lightning, white snake and white trash.

I just want to quit being left out. But that takes money, of which I have to little, and time, of which I have none. Instead do what I always do, I'll push foreword a little more. I'll keep hoping because if I lose hope then I really will have nothing. But I'm so tired of this.

My life is a series of disappointments. Of things I want and can just never quite get. No one can help me but me and I don't know how long I can hold on.

I'll keep going because I have to hope things get better. Even when I want to just break down and cry I have to hope things will be better.

I have a quote on this, which I will share. It comes from my friend, St. Francis de Sales: "If God intends you to face some difficulties, you must receive them from His hand -the hand you have taken hold of - and you must not let go of Him until He has brought you to the point of your perfection. You will see that God's providence will accomplish all things according to your intentions, provided they be entirely in conformity with His." May God's will be done at least. May I find some comfort.