Yesterday was pretty much one of the most enjoyable days I've had in some time. I went out with a friend for tea /w boba, cheese cake, the best Japanese food I've had in years, some good smoke, and just chatting with a few lesbian friends of mine. It really shouldn't be a surprise but I'm biologically male. I *really* don't like being honest with that, in fact I feel so disconnected to it that it feels insulting after a while. The pronoun 'he' isn't something I really like to hear associated with me, mostly because I feel numb to it. I'm gender queer, a catch-all description for someone who doesn't rightly fit into any preconceived notion of gender at all. I guess tomboy works well, masculine I suppose but the typical guy isn't something I can really associate with. The real term is just something I can't come up with, but then came yesterday. I can't remember feeling so at ease with people before, or getting along so well either. Their level of energy was mine, their interests were mine, their pattern of conversation was mine. When we felt like talking we talked, when we were interested in other things that's what we did. I always felt like my mindset was wrong for my body, and I know that's the case. I still feel trapped, but yesterday was a reminders that people are out there like me, I just could never be one of them.

Also, if you think this adds up to me being straight, well you're about as wrong as can be. There's an awful lot of context behind it. I guess if I were ever to get a lover they would have to understand that I respond emotionally different, have different levels of desire, and a few other things. I'm not looking for a straight woman, Bi would be a safer bet and intelligence is an absolute requirement. But I'm not holding my breath. What I want is something I know I can't have and that's just the way it is.

It isn't easy getting used to the fact, but it's nice to have some confirmation that I have a group I can identify with. I have friends who understand, *friends*. At this point I love them so much I'd never want to ruin that with romantic thoughts. For me, Love has only meant pain anyway. You don't get good friends very often and I have perhaps six of seven to my name.. which outnumbers ex lovers still.

Still, my Avatar is the perfect symbol for me even now. She's something that can't fit in with the normal world, something that has a hard time finding a place to truly fit in, and has so much contrast about her that there is no hope she'll just find a perfect place to belong. She's also something so stubborn that she'll never let that stop her..

I had the uncomfortable breakdown perhaps only a few hours ago, and the ultimate conclusion that I am not of the personality to go to parties. I was only a few minitues into the 'how ya do' portion of a get together when I pretty much just collapsed in on myself. It all came to an end when a conversation hit an awkward silence and the other party simply walked away and into another group.

My roomate was nice enough to drive me home and in the car I pretty much broke down into tears. The truth came out of me with a speed that bothered me. Since I was young I survived an emotionally abusive household by always being able to read my parents faces. They were capricious in their parenthood, sometimes supportive and sometimes far more childish than me. On some weekends they would walk into my room and make me decide who had cheated on whom the most. Back to the point. I've tried to disprove the fact I can read faces as well as I can, but every time I tried to delude myself I only ended getting hurt. Once I was even sexually taken advantage of, it was semi consensual so I only feel dirty and not traumatized. Anyway, I'm just more sensitive, perhaps still more paranoid, of negative feelings than most. In very small groups I can stand the chance of actually getting ot know a person, to really connect. Superficial relationships do absolutely nothing for me, if anything they put me on edge far more than any group of shady strangers could. I'd feel more comfortable ear a single insane homeless man than a group of people whom I have a chance to either respect or despise, depending on the conclusions.

I'm sorry if I left any awkwardness at the party I just attended, I'm very sorry to everyone involved. I just don't think making friends in large groups is at all good for me. Some wounds never heal, that's a hard adult fact you have to accept sometimes. I'm okay If I can truly get to know you, or kindly say I don't care to without the complex web of friendships and inner-relationship politics tangling around me like a hapless fly. I'm sure everyone I've talked to is a wonderful person and I mean that sincerely.

I should feel depressed right now and I was on the way from the party, but as I accept myself for what I am; I'm at least a little at peace with the truth. Just, don't look for me at Social functions anytime soon.

I've been looking over the trolls for the infamous "Babysitting Cream" sex simulator for some time now, really it's a lot of fun just watching the drama unfold even if I do feel sorry for the artist involved, but to my point. Apparently the makers of the game wanted to put some homosexual material into the game, options you could take if you wanted to go down that particular path or paths, but the fans overwhelmingly balked at the idea and he took the vast majority of it out. How this relates to gay marriage you ask? Well it's a beautiful metaphor. The players of the game don't have to go down the homosexual path, but they are so incapable of controlling themselves that they want to take out the *option* for it all together. It is the same reason why some hard-core conservatives (In the states) want to ban gay marriage. They are week willed closet perverts who have no control over their own actions and cannot qualify any moral that hasn't been spoon fed to them.

Now, I'm not putting down the majority of the game's fans and I sure as hell don't have anything against homosexuality (I'm Bi), I think most of the fans are probably okay with the idea, but this speaks very badly about people in general. I really don't care what your opinion is at the end of the day, but it is how you enforce your own willpower that really concerns me. If you feel options need to be stricken just because you can't control your own desires then that is your problem, don't try to push it on anyone else. I could also say a few things about fictitious depictions and moralizing troglodytes who can't successfully separate fiction from reality, but that's another subject.


One last point on Gay marriage that always pushes my button. I've heard conservatives tout their 'Freedom of religion" when it comes to "protecting marriage", but what about the religious freedom of homosexuals? I'ts true that in the Old Testament that it says men shouldn't bonk, but then again it says quite a lot of other things and doesn't really care to differ. Say what you want, but the interpretation of those words are entirely up to the individual. Some people haven't adopted the New Testament, some ignore the proscriptions on masturbation, some think 'sodomy' only means sex in the male tookus (It actually means ANY form of non reproductive sex), some are not even remotely christian, some are pagans, some (like myself) just opt out completely. A Catholic worships differently, marries differently, than a Protestant. The point is you can define for yourself what religion means to you, and so if marriage is apart of religion, then it's interpretation is an inherent part of an individuals religious freedom.

So I'm two episodes into an anime that has nudity in it, I'm fine with that.. but why does nearly every adult title in Anime have ot have rape in it? I really need to find a good documentary on Japanese sexual repression and it's effect on art and culture. Rape Rape Rape Rape Rape. I can't watch a single bloody Hentai without something traumatic coming on screen.

As an aside, if anyone has a nice list of Hentai films *without rape* I would appreciate it.. bonus points for furry content.

Here I am, typing from my phone. I'm 29 now. I think Ill buy myself something good this week.

Looking at my twins with new eyes makes me realllly want to redraw it. I'm biased (mostly negatively I'll admit) but I would safely say I've improved since then. But I still have two pet projects on my plate. I just wish my real life wouldn't be such a bother. Just last night I feel on my bike, it was such an embarrassing thing too. I hit a wet spot and just fell on my side like a stone, not a bit of instinct kicked in to save me. I'm fine, just really sore along my entire left side. Icy Hot is my best friend for a month or so.

Seriously, if someone came up to you with a wheelbarrow of money would you draw something you otherwise absolutely wouldn't? And if yes, then what is your 500 thousand dollar limit? What is your million dollar limit? What is your McDonnell's (misspelled intentionally) double cheeseburger mini meal limit? Just kidding about the last :3

Forgive me If my grammar isn't the best right now, I'm a little high. I had a close time with an old friend of mine, someone who is the sweetest person I've ever known, one of the most amazing as well. Sadly things will never be as close as I want them to be, but I've already come to terms with that. However, I do want someone like her in my life, I just haven't taken the steps to get them until now.

It's odd, but typically the women I tend to love are ones that are hard to get, namely Headstrong tomboys with calm dispositions. I really want to take better care of my body and further educate myself in as much as possible. I've been ignoring a part of me for too long and tend to work towards it, I'm so tired of not having someone I share the majority of my life and thoughts with.

I have a hand full of pet peves, one such pet peve is the saying "No Excuses". This saying usually comes up when you make a mistake and some high and mighty bitch or asshole doesn't want to hear reason. I made a mistake recently and was trying to reason out why I did what I did and how I can prevent it in the future, you know, trying to be constructive in the face of an error in judgement. Whoever says the words "No Excuses" doesn't give a rat's ass about resolution or solution, they only want you to feel bad. To those people I say a heart felt FUCK YOU.

I'ts just once in a while, but sometimes I like to think about how insanely contrary I am to so much that is thought normal, even along the lines of my own fandom. What really triggered this lately is my latest picture, an alternative design to my original color scheme. It isn't just the black/white colors, it's also that I'm fur but I like 'human bits', I'm herm but I don't like Hyper, exc exc. I understand that so much of my decisions and choices puts me on the very very narrow list of appeal, but then I have to ask myself 'what if I just went with the lowest common denominators?" What if my character was some medium breasted nondescript female fox who's bisexual with a male preference and no certain political-sociological-religious opinions? I can't say I would be very happy with myself, I certainly wouldn't be me. So, Ultimately I just conclude I would rather be so defined that I'm utterly unpopular than to be accepted as some fraud.

I honestly don't want to collect a bunch of friends who share my opinion. If some young-earth creationist or herm-hating fur wants to talk to me and can do so in a civilized manner then I would be glad to. I'm sure we could find some common ground, Of course I deeply appreciate the friends I do have, intelligent and well thought out people I can share good conversations with but don't share opinions completely across the board.

Still, It being Valentines day I would love to find someone I could share my odd self with, but they are not worth sacrificing my oddness for.. no one ever is.

Single and proud, an odd duck and still swimming.

So today I'm just waking up when company drops out of the blue. Now I'm not going to say angry things about them, I don't have a problem with people wanting to visit and whatnot, it's more just from my perspective. At the time, and while i'm typing this, I'm pretty much just self-dragged out of bed with four hours of sleep in me (honestly, I should just sacrifice the rest of the day to sleep, but I want to get at least something done). Anyway, here they are perfetly dressed and here I am in nothing but a hoodie and some pants I grabbed from my drawer, covered in sleep sweat, bed head, and the works.

My concern isn't them with bad timing or anything, i'ts just me and not being able to converse, specially at a time when no one would be prepared to speak anyway. Ultimately I just went back into my room and waited for them to leave. Again, it's nothing on them, just me in 'cave bear' mode.

Who the hell knows, maybe they assumed too much about me, maybe they understood. Why am I caring so much?

Oh how wonderful it would be a 24 hour asshole :p

​This started me thinking...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTXO7KGHtjI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

​On rare occasions my thoughts on feminism and transhumanism tend to collide. Anime ,like porn, does a good job making the standard for beauty extremely high, but now its replacing actual Japanese pop stars. Here we have a Singer that can be anything the imagination desires, as short or as slender or as child-like as the demographic wants. My knee-jerk reaction here is to say 'This is being unfair to real people', but then my inner transhumanist points out where this desire and its popularity comes from.

​I think it is sad when people try to widdle acceptable aesthetics down to a trend, especially when that trend is nearly impossible to achieve, but on the other hand I hate it when people look down on others trying to fit those aesthetics. For me, being a transhumanist means seeking out control of ones own body. However a person wants to alter themselves (assuming it isn't due to a pathological disorder) I think they have a right to it. Japanese fans love the Vocaloids because she is the closest they have come to a dream of their own aesthetics, an image of the world they personally hold dear. Whatever it may be, it is seemingly impossible standards like these that propel us forward.

​I dream of a day I can choose to be the anthropomorphic cat In my avatar (updates pending). Do I think all the world would fall in love with me?, of course not. I'm not looking for acceptance from others, only hope for tolerance. Of course it is impossible now and perhaps forever, I know the reality behind these things and do my best to make due with what I have, but l have a right to my own yearnings despite their impossible nature. Maybe I can never get where I want, it only fuels my passions and hopes.

​Even with my yearning to be something impossible I am faced with the need for painful pragmatic understanding. I think it is here, the lack of practical thought, that the problem takes root. People torchure themselves and demean others when expectations can't be met. Girls wanting to be impossibility thin kill themselves every day with insane diets and anorexia, for example. Dreaming isn't the problem, forcing it into reality can be. We shouldn't blame a bit of escapist fiction, porn, or even a holographic pop star for the cruel things we do, but the impatience for our dreams cause stupid decisions. So you'll have to hold forever a desire, welcome to the real world. Instead of crying, how about trying to find the science needed to safely alter the body or at least support those with the potential. The Right brothers didn't resolve their dream of flight by straping wings to their arms, they built a fucking plane.

​So one day the vocaloid may be a solid android, maybe it will be A ghost in the shell. Don't knock the dream, its how we learn to fly.

​This started me thinking...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTXO7KGHtjI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

​On rare occasions my thoughts on feminism and transhumanism tend to collide. Anime ,like porn, does a good job making the standard for beauty extremely high, but now its replacing actual Japanese pop stars. Here we have a Singer that can be anything the imagination desires, as short or as slender or as child-like as the demographic wants. My knee-jerk reaction here is to say 'This is being unfair to real people', but then my inner transhumanist points out where this desire and its popularity comes from.

​I think it is sad when people try to widdle acceptable aesthetics down to a trend, especially when that trend is nearly impossible to achieve, but on the other hand I hate it when people look down on others trying to fit those aesthetics. For me, being a transhumanist means seeking out control of ones own body. However a person wants to alter themselves (assuming it isn't due to a pathological disorder) I think they have a right to it. Japanese fans love the Vocaloids because she is the closest they have come to a dream of their own aesthetics, an image of the world they personally hold dear. Whatever it may be, it is seemingly impossible standards like these that propel us forward.

​I dream of a day I can choose to be the anthropomorphic cat In my avatar (updates pending). Do I think all the world would fall in love with me?, of course not. I'm not looking for acceptance from others, only hope for tolerance. Of course it is impossible now and perhaps forever, I know the reality behind these things and do my best to make due with what I have, but l have a right to my own yearnings despite their impossible nature. Maybe I can never get where I want, it only fuels my passions and hopes.

​Even with my yearning to be something impossible I am faced with the need for painful pragmatic understanding. I think it is here, the lack of practical thought, that the problem takes root. People torchure themselves and demean others when expectations can't be met. Girls wanting to be impossibility thin kill themselves every day with insane diets and anorexia, for example. Dreaming isn't the problem, forcing it into reality can be. We shouldn't blame a bit of escapist fiction, porn, or even a holographic pop star for the cruel things we do, but the impatience for our dreams cause stupid decisions. So you'll have to hold forever a desire, welcome to the real world. Instead of crying, how about trying to find the science needed to safely alter the body or at least support those with the potential. The Right brothers didn't resolve their dream of flight by straping wings to their arms, they built a fucking plane.

​So one day the vocaloid may be a solid android, maybe it will be A ghost in the shell. Don't knock the dream, its how we learn to fly.

The hardest part about improving is that you have to see all the problems left to be solved. Everything seems to pop out at me lately, It's as if I'm thinking in a new way.

Right now I just want a vacation from my job. I'll have to see what days I can get but yes, I need some time to just improve myself... that and get eight hours of regular sleep.

I've always wondered why improving myself was so daunting, but I think I get it now. You have heard the old trope "be yourself", but you don't really understand it untill you can face your problems without them becoming overwhelming. You see, when you do it only for you then there is no pressure, its just breathing again. When you face your problems just remember that your doing it only for yourself. Encouragement is nice, but not needed.. at least during the transition.

In the end its about the company you keep and attract, I'm not going to pretend that love isn't important. Growth is constant, and when it comes to that poeple better help, stand back, or fuck off. Im just glad I have good friends, I don't need to improve for them. I WANT to, however.

I've come so far from a scared Texas fur in a strange land, I see no reason to stop now. And if you see me at a furmeet feel free to say Hi, just know I suck at small talk.

I just unwatched someone because I was just that disturbed by the work. I'ts anyone's right to draw whatever they want, I feel like I'm being over judgemental.. but at the same time that kind of stuff just disturbs me way too much, it's just so insanely negative. I feel bad for it, but I only hope even the artist could understand where I come from.

It's just the 12ux, but its beautiful and makes digital art so much easier. If you don't have one then save up for one , you'll wonder why you never had one from the start.

This is just something that comes to my mind once and a while, namely when I find a fairly nice herm picture that happens to have a rather endowed character in it. I don't know how the herm fetish so closely rides along with the Hyper fetish, but it just makes me scratch my head at times.

I don't want to sound like I'm putting down people who like hyper endowments. Obviously if something is harmless then who really cares what another person thinks, but I've always wanted to know just what is appealing about it. I know that, biology as we know it, that herms couldn't really exist (apart from snails and the like of course). I've gone to some lengths to make sense of my own characters gender and even then I've cut corners, but as far as Hyper goes It just doesn't seem to be viable apart from a creature with immense elasticity. I suppose toons would be perfectly fine, but otherwise it would just hurt incredibly.

I'm not saying this to be convinced or to put anyone on the spot, I guess I just want to understand what the appeal is. I'd like to hear from not only fans of hyper, but the people who draw it. Other fetishes I don't have in common I want to talk about as well, I suppose because I have such a strong interest in psychology (Not pathological psychology, general sexual psychology). Anyway, hope to hear from from all of you and that it leads to interesting conversations.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAJqvslV7M&feature=topvideos_mfh

I have to say it was a shock to me when I heard it. Steve Jobs was an icon of the late 20th and early 21st century, the Father of Apple. It feels so odd to think about it, but It almost feels as if something has shifted, or something has come to an end. It just feels like something you thought would never happen.

The eyes of children are blind to the vision that they will later have,
The blessing of ignorance that animals maintain is a jealousy, a blissful unknowing,
The Curse of humanity, in their later years, is to know something greater than themselves.
The Curse ages, and so becomes what we covet in this world,
The Curse expands on the wise or bright, creating dreams greater than reality.

We want to be more than what we are, more than we can be, more than we can ever be.

But dreams set us free, art let's us see, writing let's us live, live in the world a curse blesses us to see.

If I can find some free version of Open Canvas I am thinking about asking one of the high-level artists that I've talked to for some Tutoring. I have no natural talent but I do have a very hungry mind, I have absolutely no doubt that with enough time and concentration that my art could improve quite a bit.

I don't know what I can offer in exchange, but having a guide help me improve would be very appreciated. I knew a few artists irl but they are rather busy with their lives and I shouldn't bother them. However, I am pretty serious about this, Even if it's just pointers and constructive criticism over instant message any assistance I would graciously accept.

It drives me Insane sometimes but it just means I'm an artist on some level. I was so unhappy with my last work I put it in scraps... This is not worthy of the person that inspired it *nothing* I make is worthy. I don't care how many times I have to try.. nothing more goes in my main gallery until I feel I have actually improved.

Even some ideas I have floating in my head right now, But I"ll share them with ya when the time comes.

I'm going to start by admitting something I'm not proud of, I suffer bouts of paranoia from time to time. After so many wild changes in my life even the smallest decision makes me wonder what horrible fate is going to ultimately result. Hesitation and fear rule my life, that was until fate gave me a lesson I will never forget.

My trip home on the LA subway was pretty standard until the train just stopped right after it began rolling away from the platform. In the same rail car I was in I look over and see someone had pulled the emergency door switch, halting the train half way into the tunnel. In the frame of the door was this confused middle aged woman standing there with the look of a hunted animal in her eyes. There she stood for several minutes with her dinky little rolling suitcase jamming the door open. Moments pass and more and more people are getting pissed and mumbling under their breath. Eventually I get up and ask her point blank, "What's wrong?". With that scared look in her eye she says "I'm not sure if I should stay or if I should go".

At this point i'm saying in my head 'Bitch, I can tell you what five hundred angry people late for work are saying right now'. Instead I just hold my tongue as the driver walks back there and scares the lady with his big self. Eventually some random guy actually walks off the train and leads her away.

Imagine being so unsure about your next decision that you have to hold up an entire subway train to make it. She acted as if her fearful decision was so damned important that she had the right to interrupt five hundred people's plans and schedules..not to mention make the train that's only fifteen minutes away form us crash into our asses. That's when I realized that being paranoid is just another way of being selfish. We worry about what the world is going do to us, how people think about us, what plans they may have with us. In truth the world doesn't revolve around you. Sure, there are real things to fear out there, but constantly fearing fates wrath is just putting far too much stock on your little and ultimately petty life.

So, when you are feeling singled out or worried just remember that you're not *that* important.

It's all thanks to this picture http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6285177/

I sometimes think about his subject, how some people will see a character on a chat room that has both a penis and a vagina, then instantly think she's a super-whore that will bang anyone who slings their dick out. The whole subject seems to scream 'gray area ahead'. I love sex online and I love the idea of being a herm and enjoying my body.. however that joy can quickly be stolen when someone treats me like a whore thinking I'm going to bang anything moving and do whatever toilet related fetish there is. Of course there is also those who won't go near you because you're a 'slut', which is just the reverse side of the same bloody coin.

There is a serious aspect about this, about some people choosing their persona to be a herm. Anyone with a stitch of personality loves the idea of sex and fun.. yes.. but I'ts not the only reason. My persona has evolved over time, each new form representing a change in my self. Why she's a herm now is getting grips on my gender-queerness, It wasn't for a lack of trying to fit in with the normal roles the world wanted of me. I *wanted* to feel normal and be accepted.. but when you're a fish all the lip flapping in the world isn't going to make you quack like a duck.. so to speak. The question came "where is my place?" My struggle to find an 'identity' mirrored my persona. In time I'll write out the story properly, but Janis story is one of abandonment and a struggle to find a place in a world that didn't even see her as a valid Gender.

I look at the picture posted at the start of this Journal and remember back to a terrible mistake I made in real life. I was alone and scared, just a young adult who left a Furry home to live in what I'll just call a half-way house for now. I was an outsider surrounded by street kids who would have eaten me for breakfast... One day someone came around who was something like me, a good speaker who convinced me to 'let loose'. He essentially talked me into having sex with him though I didn't love him. After the fact I just felt dirty, like a fell for the worst prank in all my life because after that his personality changed. I was just a quick fuck and nothing more. I look at Tyni's face in that picture and I remember that day. The feelings kina merge, the feeling of being a 'middle thing' some are just off-put by and also a toy to others.

I'll just say this, It may not be true for everyone, but Many herm players are far deeper wells than some gives us credit for. After you're done type fucking with one, perhaps you'd lie to talk to them and get their story.