To everyone who has ever seen me. If I were to put my paypal account here, and if I were to offer up to one hundred ten-dollar sketches, then how many reading this would be interested?

I'm seriously thinking about this. I'm so tired of not having a Cintique and having to wait until the Tax rebate fairy comes around to buy one. If I did a hundred simple Ten-dollar sketches then that would pretty much pay for the model of Cintique I want.. I just don't want to go though all that trouble getting a new bloody credit card just to make my paypal account usable. I'm not all that confident with the service but everyone uses it so why the hell not?

Just a few minutes ago I received and invite for some Pizza party announced on Twitter by one of my own roomates. The problem is that I have this little condition that makes me short of breath and avoid eye contact the moment I get into a crowd of multiple strangers (and even crowds of multiple friends if the number is high enough). This isn't your common every day shyness, this is a real and base thing that just takes over my entire mind. Telling me to calm down in these situations is like telling someone who suffers dementia that 'it's all in your head'. We know, we just can't stop it.

I turned the offer down this time around but next week I'm just going to bring my Sketch book with me to draw. The best use for times like that is just a bit of creativity, I guess the crowd allows me to crawl into my own mind better than when I'm alone.. that and I can use it as a social bridge with the question i'm asked "Hey, can you draw X". Honestly I feel a little bad for saying no, I think I lost an opportunity tonight, but I'm just not good at these things.

Yes, I am indeed me. Stupid, but still me.

If you want to message me directly I have a new chat handle, jxachambers[at]live.com

For the most part I know this is just in my head but I don't think I am completely wrong here. I am from the mid-west portion of the States, You know the place where most of the hicks and dipshit republicans come from? Sometimes I think people judge me just by a mid-west look that I couldn't hope to change. It isn't something that happens often but I know a few people do that. I remember a Furry after-party I went to where I instantly was given a cold reception and treated like an idiot, the same thing has happened between a friend of a friend recently.

I've worked so hard to better myself, my manners, and my knowledge. I don't like to be judged as a hick just because I have a few things that look 'country' about me. The vast majority of people who stop to talk to me find me a kind person who is fairly smart, only a small handful of assholes have actually written me off as the stereotype I've tried so hard to defeat. At this point I would rather not bother with interaction if it means having to deal with people like that, I'm absolutely disgusted with that way of thinking to the point I would rather avoid it all-together.

Sadly the technology needed to match my inside with my outside doesn't exist, Until then I guess I just have to deal with superficial troglodytic assholes.

I'm drilling myself on how to draw various points of anatomy better and I want to learn how to draw better so badly I would be willing to make arangements for some sort of tutoring. I live in the Torrence area of Los Angeles, if you live anywhere near then let me know so I can arrange a meeting with you. I do have an artist friend who is very good but she's Always busy, having another good artist by me to give me some needed insight would be wonderful.

I've already purchased the services of a very well known and deeply respected Artist to draw my twin sisters ( http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5309588 ). Right now I'm hunting for an artist who a- Has an art style that fits the characters b - Is actually accepting commissions at the time and c - One I like. I know so many artists I love the work of but I don't want to pressure them into drawing in a style they are not used to, so while there are so many artists I love there are few who fit this particular want of mine. The biggest problem is that so few are actually taking commissions.

I think almost every fur has their own 'origin', that is the thing that brought them into fur. I think that origin effects what styles fit their persona and in general what they prefer to see. For some it's literal animals, for others it's lycanthropy (sp?), fantasy novels, paintings, and for me it was various cartoons and a few anime. If I had to put my thumb on it I would say I am about 70 animal and 30 human in the anthro ratio (Honestly we have to make a real scale), which is to say I am safely away from the 'demi-human' look but still like to retain some basic human facial features such as lips. A damned good example has to be Onta's latest work http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5746117 .

Eventually I hope to rope in a legend such as Miu from club stripes or Scrappo, I just hope my fingers don't get a cramp from crossing them ;p.

Recently my house mates, the ones good with elecricity, have been hard at work trying to rewire our entire house after our fuse box failed. Thankfully the only casualty. was a single power supply and a power strip, other than that it has just been a matter of dealing without light and a careful use of an industrial sized backup unit untill things come back to normal.

I would be more effected by this but I've been too busy at work to even play. With spring here my work is busier than ever and the drunks, douche bags, and gangsters are coming out in force. As I speak (or type) I am operating on as little as three good hours of sleep. I think I sufered a bit of sun stroke, Im still sore from twelve hours on a bicycle and here I am again. Just thinking of the money is the only thing that keeps me f
going.

In other news I am currently waiting for something I purchased earlier. I am not going to say what it is just yet because I understand the difficulty of it and will be insanely patient. Still, Im very excited.

The moment I began to use a smart phone I came to fins the default browser was pretty crap, even after the update to android 2.1 it was painfully slow. Because of that I downloaded opera, opera mini, dolphin hd, dolphin mini, and skyfire. Opera is fast but glitchy, dolphin is just a reskin of the default and no faster, and skyfire is just plain clunky. Ultimately I found the default to be silently improved since I last used it. And so it all comes full circle. Odd huh?

I still remember her as a kitten, Just this little thing still healing from an injury she had before me and my former roommates adopted her. As my roommates went their separate ways she was there to keep me company in my loneliest hours.

As tume went by that Injury took its toll. Even to this day she has weak legs and her hormones are so out of wack that she licked off almost all her fur. As the vet bills grew worse and the stress at work more than ever I simply couldn't devote enough time to her.

With the help of an animal rescue service She was matched with a very rich woman with more than enough financial means to get the helf she need. I am relived and sad at the same time, but the sadness will fade in time.

So the Iphone is out of Att's evil grasp (exclusively at least). I just wish apple would make one with an actual querty keyboard and runs flash. The 'iSlide" I suppose. Oh well, Android still kicks ass.

Two days ago I was stuck in bed for an entire day with the flu. I am not completely over it but the symtoms are low enough for me to work again. Theraflu, dauquil, and excedrin are keeping me going but right now my appetite is really odd. I am not getting hungry, the only time when I know I should eat is when my stomach starts to hurt. I don't get much satisfaction out of it other than relif from the cramps, as for masterbation I tried that yesterday and I was pretty much indifferent to it as well.

I can't wait intill this is over = . =

Story segment - The Rose (working title)
This is a segment of story I am working on at the moment, a novel I hope to finish by the end of this year (well I hope at least). I would love some opinion by both professional writers and just lovers of the written word. I am a novice so please be kind but honest.

Synopsis : This segment of story opens up on a city known as Rose, a politically vital point in between two great empires. This part not only introduces two main characters but also sets up a mystery later to be explained a little further. The setting is something of a mix of periods, the reason to be explained about the same time the others are. I hope you enjoy this and give me the feedback I need to become better.

Also, please forgive any errors, this is a rough draft.

---

The valley of Rose came alive with six bells. Echoing off buildings and houses, the distant mountain tops and glass towers, the sound of bells large and small chimed with perfect unison six times to mark one of two moments the most superstitious fear. The sun had become only a sliver over the western peeks, what was left of the day was only a red hue that made the affluent mansions high up in the west, the towers of glass and marble further down, and the factory roof tops closer to the shore a mixture of shadows and faded rusty light. Large doors opened allover this massive city, holy buildings of stone and tall copper roofed spires with their bells sounding the last of their chimes housed the processions. Large and small, some in vestments of rich silks and some in second hand robes all came out with prayers and their sacred leader walking ahead of the slowly marching line.

Somewhere in between the smoky factories near the river and the massive towers further west was a place within Rose preserved in time. Here all buildings looked like cottages one would find hundreds of years before all lovingly built to catch the eye of tourists from either side of the world. The streets were cobble stone and only the larger more critical ones meant to allow horse drawn cart or the newer type of fuel powered autos. Many streets were only for foot traffic, and many of those hosting large circular fountains with clear water spouting from nude statues directly in the center of cross sections. Down one of these cobbled streets a small procession walked. In shop windows the vendors of many things set their wares and closed their shops as pubs prepared for the nightly crowds. In old second or third hand robes a procession of six preistesses chanted in a language long since dead while another female figure shrouded in a green hooded cloak lead them. Words of blessing and protection came from the followers mouths as the green shrouded figure swung a censor of burning incense in one paw as the other remained held to her heart. People stopped what they were doing as the seven robes passed them by. A fox dressed in tattered clothes, an obvious begger, took off his ratty hat and held it to his chest in respect. Near the begging fox a white cat still plump from motherhood bowed her head to the one in green but never the less curled her arms around her kitten before the young girl could sprint into the street and talk to the praying leader. The mother cat didn't scold her child but instead looked on at the solemn woman with fear on the edge of contempt.

“It is always the same, isn't it Lyra?”

Standing on the curve ahead of the holy procession was two figures both dressed in black. The shorter one broke a silence between them, a ash gray mouse of only four feet and eleven inches who wore a black cloak that obscured her toned slender form very well. A hood spilled around her shoulders exposed the small woman's raven hair and the midnight violet hue of her eyes.

“Is what always the same, Allysa?”, her partner answered with honest disinterest. A white tiger with an inverse color, white stripes on black fur, stood close to the mouse making her look even smaller than normal. Lyra stood at an intimidating six foot four, her body still feminine but under a leather coat and form fitting black shirt and slacks not a figure one looking for a submissive would desire. The hair between her cupped ears was cropped short out of pure practicality, her curved body toned and refined for the sole purpose of fufilling her role as protector and enforcer for this city.

Allysa continued to look on at the seven robes as they slowly made their way down the street. So many stopped to bow their heads in respect but looked down at their feet muttering some type of prayer for their own safety against the figure in green. It seemed to be a mixed blessing, Allysa observed, to be one of those green shrouded figures blessing the world and protecting the world from oblivion. The figure had the face of a cat with tall ears and eyes of bright emerald, beautiful by any standard and yet everyone knew that beyond that beauty was something too strange for most to accept. The lore of religion ran through Allysa's mind with no reverence, recalling the stories that made figures like the one in green so loved and yet so feared.

“Come on, our shift begins when the sun goes down and I'm thirsty”

Lyra chimed in on Allysa's silent wondering and turned her back towards the stairway of a pub at the corner they stood. The short mouse continued to watch as the figure continued on but soon joined her partner. Even as Allysa climbed the stairs behind the tall tigress her mind remained on those green eyes. The figure was proud of her existence, the mouse assumed, but still there was such a sadness behind that solemn forward stare.

Inside the pub a few eager members of the night life in Rose began their drinking early. Only a handful of bodies, three at the bar and two chatting in a booth, sat with drinks in hand. Behind the bar a heavy old badger busily washed mugs and set up taps, always his remaining eye wearily glancing to see if any of the three at his bar tried to nick a bottle of his product. With a respectful grunt he bowed his head to the two dark figures that entered his business though quickly continued his preparations and nervous glances.

Before Lyra or Allysa could enter a young man stood in garb that threatened to make the always serious tigress crack a grin. He was Allysa's height and a mouse all the same, but his slender figure was neatly covered by a dress of black lace and white trimming. With his mouth closed one would think him a young woman but his smooth young tone didn't hold up to the illusion. He reguarded the two with a soft blush to his pure white cheeks and curtseyed.

“Madam Lyra and Allysa of the Shade, shall I see to your weapons and show you to your table?”

The boy, whom Lyra hoped was of legal age, was obviously new his position. The old Badger overheard and waved the boy away, the young man's bright eyes going from professional respect to embarrassed confusion . Lyra placed her hand on the beautiful males shoulder with assurance and a warm smile one never thought such an intimating figure could produce before sweeping open her coat and exposing one of her two side-handle batons. The black metal bar hung from a leather holster about her waist, a thick metal bar with a perpendicular handle two thirds up it's length.

“For one, My partner carries no weapons and this particular weapon I hold can only be handled by a Shade like myself.”

Lyra left it at that and made her way to the same booth they had always sat before the sun fully settled and their patrols began. Allysa gave the young man a passing grin that deepened his blush before he turned back towards the door ready to greet other customers.

“What does she mean?” he muttered to himself before he bowed. From the open frame of the pub the very same figure in green passed by continuing her prayers until night finally came and the crack between night and day had safely passed the world by.

I'm going to be vague for the sake of others but I have to get this off my chest, so why not here? I was taken to this tofu place a day ago and I think I was about as sour as I have ever been.. all complaints and practically on the rag. It was odd, I tried all I could not to, I was holding in in as much as possible but it forced it's way out of me like some kind of chest buster.

I realized it fully the day after when some of my friends and a friend of a friend did the old "Talk about someone when you think they are unaware" trick so common in furry groups. I'm a veteran to that sort of stuff so it's hard to really fool me (though I could be wrong, I admit that right here but that's beyond the point). The actual point is that I *deserve* that sort of treatment for the way I was acting. I don't like being that way and try to make it as rare as possible, my friends are so nice to me that they didn't deserve that treatment. In a way I am making this journal as my own type of atonement, a kind of public humiliation.

I know there are some out there who have already made up their mind about me, some people who do that and the image sticks even if they haven't spent but a few minutes talking to me, I'm guilty of that sort of thing myself. A non fur I know had that sort of snap judgment about me before and I've been working to change that in his mind, thankfully it seems to be working. I guess I have one of those faces that makes people weary, I really don't know what it is but I don't want people to think of me in that way.

I like it when things are more out in the open, that is when I know the person can take it so I like people to be up front with how they feel with me. I lived in two furry groups so far and so much of it is passive aggression and secrets, something I really can't stand when it's between friends which is just a formula for disaster. Really that's something I think the vast majority of furry groups needs to change within ourselves.

God damn are we all a bunch of nut jobs. :3

Latetly I've been doodling like mad but sometimes I go in circles. I really want to respark my artistic ability but I need your help. I want all the suggestions you can think of, perhaps even a few requests if I feel like it :3. If I draw it I'll give you credit in the Description, so with that said give me what you got.

So it seems that FA has to ban cub porn because their donation carrier has dropped them. I'm pretty much neutral to the idea of 'cub porn', I think that anything that remains within the realm of fiction is perfectly fine. I suppose the next step is to arrest Horror movie fans for murder.

It's sad that FA caved in like this, but honestly there wasn't anything they could do about it. our society pretty much forces us to follow the money. I dream of a world like Star Trek where those with the money don't have the power, namely because there is no money. I doubt any of us will live to see it, but we have to continue fighting for it.. if not for us, then for those down the line.

I've had my cat for a few years now, only until have I had access to a car. Finally I can take her to see a vet, and one of fairly decent quality too. Recently they gave her steroids to calm her itchy skin and build muscle. This week I have to leave her in the vets office while they bathe, groom, de-flea, and update her vaccinations. This is the first time I've ever had to leave her anywhere other than one time when I went off to FC (With plenty of dry food and water.. in fact I went overboard then.

I was a kennel keeper for a while, I know how it is in the back of those places. Sometimes is pretty cold and the keepers that take care of the animals can sometimes be less than kind. I can only hope she's being taken care of, the woman who took her seemed very nice. I know it sounds sexist but I wish the place was filled with only women... the one guy I saw in a smok looked pretty unhappy with his job. Around 4pm I can pick her up, they'll call me but I'll call them if they don't.. I just hope my baby isn't going crazy right now.

I somethimes feel so small, now I feel tiny. I cant draw, write, or do anything of any worth. I have no talents. I sometimes

wonder why people bother, Im glad rhey do.

Rules:
1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No .

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages/comments you and asks.

3. It is harder than it looks, but NO explanations !!! You will want to... but don't!!!


Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? ---No
Been arrested? ---No
Kissed someone you didn't like? ---Yes
Slept in until 5 PM? ---Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? ---Yes
Ran a red light? ---No
Been suspended from school? ---No
Experienced love at first sight? ---Yes
Totalled your car in an accident? ---No
Been fired from a job? ---Yes
Fired somebody? ---No
Sang karaoke? ---No
Pointed a gun at someone? ---Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? ---Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? ---No
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? ---Yes
Kissed in the rain? ---No
Had a close brush with death (your own)? ---Yes
Seen someone die? ---Yes
Played spin-the-bottle? ---Yes
Sang in the shower? ---Yes
Smoked a cigar? ---No
Sat on a rooftop? ---Yes
Taken pictures of yourself naked? ---Yes
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? ---Yes
Skipped school? ---Yes
Eaten a bug? ---Yes
Sleepwalked? ---No
Walked a moonlit beach? ---Yes
Ridden a motorcycle? ---Yes
Dumped someone? ---Yes
Forgotten your anniversary? ---No
Lied to avoid a ticket? ---No
Ridden on a helicopter? ---No
Shaved your head? ---No
Blacked out from drinking? ---Yes
Played a prank on someone? ---Yes
Hit a home run? ---No
Felt like killing someone? ---Yes
Cross-dressed? ---Yes
Been falling-down drunk? ---Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? ---No
Eaten snake? --- No
Marched/Protested? ---No
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? ---Yes
Puked on amusement ride? ---Yes
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? ---Yes
Been in a band? ---No
Knitted? ---No
Been on TV? ---Yes
Shot a gun? ---Yes
Skinny-dipped? ---Yes
Caused someone to need stitches? ---No
Ridden a surfboard? ---No
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? ---Yes
Had surgery? --- No
Streaked? ---No
Taken by ambulance to hospital? ---Yes
Passed out when not drinking? ---Yes
Peed on a bush? --- Yes
Donated Blood? ---Yes
Grabbed electric fence? ---No
Eaten alligator meat? ---No
Eaten cheesecake? ---Yes
Eaten kids' Halloween candy? ---Yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? ---Yes
Peed your pants in public? ---No
Written graffiti? ---No
Still love someone you shouldn't? ---Yes
Think about the future? ---Yes
Been in handcuffs? ---Yes
Believe in love? ---Yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? ---Yes

There are times I regret choosing to have a herm persona, but that's what I am and what I like, so what else can be said about it?

A fur friend of mine has managed, or is just about to, make final arrangements on buying a house and it looks like I'm going to be joining the group who's moving in. There are several things about this that's good, and some things that twist my stomach a bit.

I'm looking forward to getting away from the noisy upstairs neighbors I have to deal with. Just above both me and my roomate are two douche bags that keep blairing their music and acting just generally too loud. I'ts true we live in the Hollywood area, but no one should have to pay 1700 US dollars and have to deal with constant noise. Getting out of this situation, as well as saving 300 Dollars a month would be nice.

The drawbacks are a much longer commute to work, about two hours back and forth, and smaller rooms. I've grown accustomed to the large space I live in, moving into a smaller place will have some getting used to. The house it self is large, but you have to take into account that it will be at least four of us. The four would be pretty easy, but one member of the group is having their family move in as well, that's going to be odd. Four furs plus two or three mundanes, I can see the awkward moments already *snicker snicker*.

The last thing is just the general feeling I get when times like these come along. It is my personal fluke as all us Furs are known to have. It's most likely the hardest thing though the most rediculous. Ever since I was young my family moved from one place to another, eventually I simply gave up trying to famillairize myself with anyone and became a loner. I hate moving, even when it's a good thing, it brings back all those uncomfortable feelings. I remember when we had to move into my Grandmothers spare room, then to a trailor out in the middle of nowhere, then to another trailer, then to some goverment housing. Every time I had just enough time to make friends that I then lost, the stress getting to my Brother who turned to drugs, my parents who turned to alcohol, me who turned to delusions. To really describe the feeling just imagine looking down at the worst food you've ever tasted. You haven't taken a single bite yet you know how awful it tastes, so much you can swear you taste it anyway. That bad taste in my mouth is taking all my things and putting them in boxes.. again.. canceling my utilities.. again.. getting used to a new neighborhood..again.. adjusting to a new bus route..again.

Getting over that feeling isn't easy, and yet there is so much to be gained by doing so. The unpleasant things we can avoid shouldn't bother us, it's the unpleasant things that lead to what's better what really bothers us. Will I go though with this, yes, will it be easy.. of course not. The one difference between this and what happened before, I realize, is that I'm doing it with some people who actually care for me.

I always find myself going from one personal love to another, that is from art to writing, to politics to the mind. Of course, the one field that is closest to home is the psychology of the furry fandom. There are several themes one could visit such as personality displacement, arrested development, extended empathy, and others I imagine.

I suffered a bit of personalty displacement when I was very young. I was going though some rather hard times, my Father was emotionally abusive (constant drinking reversed the roles of a 35 year old man with an eight year old, I giving him advice and confidence) along with constantly moving and our lives ruined by both my father's neck injury and a law suit. I fell into fantasy rather hard and convinced myself of things which coudln't be true, I'll just leave it at that. I understand that what I do now is personality displacement in a way, but it's a deliberate type. I personify everything I look up to and strive to be just that. My furry self is a symbol for all of that, and personally I see furry as a very human desire to become something more than one is.

Arrested development, I suppose you can see this strongest in Baby Furs, which I find harmless but something I personally have trouble being around. I still don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I love to apply adult themes to characters I knew as a child because they are far more lively and approachable than the stark empty world of the adult. I love that I am grown up and I have so much more freedom and self controll, but it seems once you get the keys of the kingdom, so to speak, you find that the castle is pretty damned bleak. Adults need to be more relaxed and expressive, within reason of course, but the insistance of a gray and angular world just seems to make the world and everything about it far more dire and bleak then it should have to be.

Extended Empathy, This has to be one undeniable positive to Furdom. In the animal world things can get rather nasty between the speices, but some humans seem to have the ability to extend their innate empathy to beings not remotely themselves. One good way to spot a future murderer is to see how they treat animals as a youth. With our emotional extention ever outward, we show some hope for the world to someday peaceful. The same empthathy also extends to some of our real furry friends as well. In many youtube clips you can see domesticated animals such as dogs taking care of kittens, or Cats care for baby chicks. We live in a bloody scary world, but one day I hope that ends.

Okay, so that wasn't all that educational, but it's what's going on in my mind right now, I hope you find theses things interesting as well.

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to write, not emotionally, because my right middle finger is in bandages. With no explanation at all i somehow recived a bacterial infection under the nail of my middle finger. I had to pay seventy bucks (us) to have a doctor jab a scalpel under my nail and dig it all out, You may ask "whats so fun about that?". Well, apart from the vicadin (sp) I have a load of excuses to come up with when soeone asks what happened to my middle finger.

"I was was an Archer in king Richards army when I was captured by the Turks"
"I flipped off a lion"

Now. watchers, your turn :3

My roommate came to me with the oddest problem yesterday. He had someone who he was friends with just take him off their list because the 'list was just too long'. I don't know how you can be friends with someone and just knock them off because they are an inconvenience, doesn't help the guy he was talking to was an emo fur to begin with.

It did get me thinking about a certain fur I know whom shall remain nameless. We were friends up until he/she became talented art-wise. After that point I've never heard a word from that person, now she/he is just another artist in my list. Right-click and save art, mediocre comment, done. I'm not sure if it's hate or disdain in objectifying them like this, hopefully the ladder. Thankfully I remain distantly respectful of the other artists I enjoy seeing their work here.

In the book, "The Fountainhead" a character in it was used as a sort of negative example. The characters basic philosophy was not to know the artist behind his favorite works. He would rather not loose respect for the art by knowing the flaws of the artist. I can't say I agree with the idea, but I would almost take it as a word of caution.

By the way, no guessing who I am talking about. I'm just writing this to blow off steam, not cause a scene. No Syri, it isn't you.

There's no way in hell I could ever afford a Wacom Cintiq, but what could I possibly do to get one?

The Cintiq is a twelve inch monitor/drawing tablet. You can draw directly on the screen as if it were some digital sketchbook. I do have a Wacom tablet, but having to draw with it can be a pain in the ass. You constantly want to tilt the pad as if you would a sketch pad, but it doesn't help, it's too hard working on screen.

http://www.wacom.com/cintiq/cintiq-21ux.php