I sit at the hill, from here I can see her grave. Somewhere the family remembers her as they eat beside my extended kin, but it feels unjust to me.
So many stones in pretty rows, and yet her's I see clearly.
The wind whispers their condolence and offers me an apple.
A gust of wind strong enough to nudge fruit off the branch lands in my lap.
Red, glistening against the sun. The color is so alive I want to cry.
She can't eat anymore. It is fair of me to have this thing?
She can't know, she's cold, in the ground and now my sadness is being misdirected by hunger.
Am I a monster?
She, who bore my mother. Her pain brought her life to then give me mine.
If I were not to live, to go on, Her pain would have been for nothing.
I smile against the tears and take a bite.

Just a note, I hate writing these downer type posts, but for some reason it helps me sort out my feelings. Hopefully if you wanted to avoid a negative post you ignored this after reading the subject.


My cousin called this morning and told me my Grandmother is passed away. She was going senile and had to be placed in a home because we are all too poor to care for her otherwise. The only thing is, I'm angry at myself for not feeling sad, at least not sad enough. I haven't been back to Texas in about seven years, around 2000 or so I moved away and had never looked back and the most I've ever spoken to my family is weekend phone calls. I just don't feel the same connection, sure, there is some sadness there, but It's not like I'm weeping. I just think that feeling is lost now that I've been away.

I feel horrible for my Mother, I'm calling her after I finish with this post.

I've had this idea rolling about in my head for a while now, it's nothing that I could ever hope to make on my own but it's something I would like to see one day.

What I would like to do is create a fully fleshed out sandbox style rpg with some adult material for fun. On and off I am going to be doing sketches and writing up logistics for the idea, I know it may never be picked up, but putting it all together will be fun.

Let me put down the basic concept, which I may repeat in some form or another later:

It has been eighteen years since the last child was born. Though animals continue to give birth and plants continue to grow, nothing sentient has come into the world since. At first one country blamed the other and wars were fought, but those wars came to an end when the true enemy appeared and the wards which kept monsters and demons at bay grew weaker. Now most of the world is overrun by beings known as the Succubi and Incubi. These creatures are like vampires to life essence it's self, and now that the Gods have gone silent, only what little power is left to the living keeps them safe.

The only hope remains with the "Last Born". It was one of the Goddesses that gave him, her, or hir a portion of divinity and set things in motion to save the world and awaken the Gods. Once comming of age the Last Born has to collect a type of life essence from others and use it to awaken the seven Gods, learn their powers, and defeat the Succubi.

Yes, there are some silly elements to this stoy, I imagine I'll have to add something if I'm going to make a hybrid of a serious rpg and a sex romp..

First off, I want to thank everyone who replied to my last journal. I was feeling very down, holiday season does that ya know.


Alright, first the non-spoiler portion of the review. I decided to preview it for the sake of my friends, and I'm pretty happy that I did, the movie is amazing (that and later that night I found a russian bootleg version playing in one of my employee break rooms, speaking of freaking spoilers!). Yes, it's going to be years before cg can ever get the lighting to the point that the human eye can't tell what is real and what isn't, but they have certainly gone several hundred steps beyond even what they could do with 'Advent Children'.

I have *never* seen emotion and subtle movements done so well on a cg animated face, there were times I was utterly fooled into thinking it was just a very good make up artist, but no make up artist can alter the face like that. The Navi themselves were very nice to look at, I would have done the face slightly different, but that's me being furry. I think Cameron did a pretty good job negotiating the feline aspects of the natives with something that normal non-furs could relate to, it almost makes me want to experiment with my own art style, but that's a journal for later. The only thing I can say about it more is that you truly could connect with the characters, though I find it ironic that it took CG so long to do the very same thing that a Don Bluth animation did nearly twenty years ago. I don't hate CG, I just love Don Bluth :3 Really, who didn't cry watching "Secret of NIMH?"

The one thing that people warned me about came half true. The plot was fairly typical "Dances with wolves in space" one critic said. I almost agree, but there was a beauty about the planet, about the aspects of the Navi themselves that made it so much more than just a sappy western put on an alien jungle. There were aspects of the characters themselves, backgrounds, that colored the experience better than it had ever been, and of course the SciFi elements allowed a much deeper exploration into humanity. Why are so many movie critics such tight asses?


*Spoiler alert, don't read past this break!*














I will say that there was a few plot holes. How did the Navi just so happen to have an ability to transfer one persons mind into another body. It really didn't explain the practical use of that other than tranferring the mind of a person permanently into an Avatar. Maybe if there were some Navi walking around with 'merged minds' those who took on the essence of someone who's body was too damaged to go on but didn't want to die, it would have made more sense.. but I'm not letting that spoil an otherwise beautiful movie. Okay, there was the Business guy who headed the project. He was a rather flat character, but I'll actually defend it. Douche bags of that caliber really do exist, I've met them, though every time you do it's hard to believe that something like that can actually be a person. Trust me, people that unfeeling and uncaring really do exist, and they often drive BMW's. I imagine he has a futuristic hovering Beamer somewhere in his garage. *snickers*

I really hope I'm not the only one who absolutely hates this time of year. It's great for people who have families that you can stand to be around (or people who just have one). For me, this time of year is a nice little reminder that my parents will never understand anything about me. As the grow older they only get more conservative and religious in their thinking. I just don't have the heart to tell them that I am an atheist, that I'm bisexual, or even that I'm furry. I already know it wouldn't do anyone any good to come out to them, but that simply means I'll never really connect with them. In a sense, they really are just strangers that call every other week.

Most of the time I can handle this pretty well, I've become stronger over the years.. but this really is the time I would be best with someone I care for.

Just recently I watched 'The Fantastic Mr. Fox' and 'Where the Wild things are'. Yes, both have a furry slant to them, but they are also very good movies on their own. I was very impressed how 'Where the wild things are' was able to describe the difficulty of growing up with a troubled family though the eyes of a child. However, it did more than that. When I watched it, Wild reminded me of the first year I came to California and lived with a Furry group. It was a time I finally felt free, and for a time the warmest moments I ever had. Soon, personalities took their toll and the group had to go it's separate ways. Every character in the movie relates to someone I knew, honestly I think I was more the Goat and anyone *snickers*. It was an uncomfortable reliving my past, but the movie was very genuine.. and that's what really counts.

Fantastic Mr. Fox, on the other hand, was a brillant bit of excapisim. Yes, there was some very tender moments to keep you caring about the characters, but for the most part it was one witty exchange of words after another. The humor was truly mature without resorting to vulgarity, bits of irony and sweet revenge here and there, all done with anthos of course. The movie never lost it's pace or it's charm, and though I would have like it as an ink-in-paint animation instead of stop motion, the story and cast made up for any of it's flaws.

Now.. there Avatar. As of this posting I have no idea how this movie is going to go. I've read some reviews and it's visual effects are undisputed. If nothing else it looks like it's going to be very nice eye candy.. the navi are sexy in their own way, but as I fear it seems the story is pretty much canned drama. I really don't mind. I'm not the type who likes to watch the same movie twice, but if you tell an old story ( the tyrants vs the underdogs) in a new way, I'm all for it. It's still a shame that I can't hope for some kind of new approach or character type. Oh well, bring on the Hero!

For several months on end I've been dealing with an attack that happend on my old computer. After it happend I haven't been able to relax about it, even now my antivirus program says something is trying to access it. I don't know what that means and I can't get a straight answer from anywhere. For now things seem alright.. but it still worries me.

It's come to a point where I've become a little parinoid about everything, there just dosen't seem to be a moment I feel safe at all. Most of my old work is lost because I had to reformat my old system, and I just don't feel confident enough to trust this one and start again.

I don't know what to do at this point, I guess all I want to do right now is unload these feelings so they don't eat me up inside.

So, I go onto my computer and click on a bookmark, it opens a new window... I never set that. Then I try scrolling and instead of doing what I told my mouse to do, It decides to change the size of the web page. I later test other programs to see how they are working as well.. everything is changed. I try to change things back but nothing seems to be helping. In a panic I pop onto my virus program and do a scan. Still wondering if it's just hardware and not some new deadly thing I somehow got, I decide to do some investigation....

Guess what it was..



The Fu*king F-Lock key was pressed. I never realized that bloody button makes *everything* go crazy.

I've come to the conclusion it's just useless using live journal, everyone I know is here.

Last night was a pretty nice time, Once again I got to know what it's like to have some rl friends, but of course there was some stress.. but I'm glad for it ultimately. At this point it's just so odd where my life is. My job is stressful, my funds are short, my future is very uncertain, and I'm just very uncertain.

I have to continue fighting, but I'll be happy the day I don't have to fight so much. At these times, I kina miss when things were simple, when I was either happy or sad, now there really is no word for what I am at this point. Hopeful? Fearful? Angry? Sad? Happy? Anxous? Excited? Pretty much all of this and more, just very vague.

I'm bored and I want to do something that isn't from my own head. I would love to hear anyones idea for pictures and stories.

Who knows, I might do it.

Hey everyone who watches me. I somehow doubt it, but I was wondering if anyone happened to archive my old stories. I own archives have been comprimised and well.. my old site was hacked. -_-

my new yahoo is Janxachambers[at]yahoo.com I'm not using it for mail, just to chat, so if you want to talk me up then feel free.

I've been rolling it around in my head for a little while now. As it is, my persona.. and any feline I draw.. do not have barbs, in fact I've always been a little hesitant to draw a zoomorphic penis of any type.. but I've thought of having "nice barbs". Let's face it, the male human penis doesn't really have all that much to satisfy girls who want to get off by intercourse alone, apart from the tip it's pretty much featureless. I was thinking about adding soft cartlage barbs, of course doing my best to make them as good looking as possible, but yes, I would love to get some feedback while I experiment with some sketches and study :3

I recently put up a story based on a comic that already exists, I was wondering, what would you think of it being made into a comic. If you would buy something like that, just let me know. The artist of the comic is the Lovely KamiCheetah, I bet she would do a great job.. but what do you think ? :3

I have friend who is a Zoo, that is someone who not only enjoys antho but also animals as-is.. so to speak. To be honest, I suffer a bit of an 'ick' factor when it comes to thinking about Zoo.. I find zoomorphic genitalia unattractive and with most animals with a relatively low age mentality, there is just too much of a power difference. I just can't justify it in my mind, but just because I don't like a thing means others or friends have to agree with me.

I really have had to get grips on my own furryness, was I "really" a fur? I think I am, but my furryness isn't sexual. I know it's an odd sort of mental origami, but my furrynes isn't sexual, and yet I am a sexual being. I love animals, I find so much beauty in the natural world that I would love to have the technology to somehow incorporate that into me. I guess you could say that by being furry I am not trashing my human nature or religiously embracing a non-human animal nature, but finding a hybrid of the two. Sometimes it's hard having a deep desire to dream, and yet have such a starkly logical mind, one of the reasons why I choose the name Janus is those conflicting natures.

I've been taking in every tutorial I can, making random sketches, expanding my ability and whatnot. If it were not for the drama and work things would be easier, but it's just an excuse :p.

Either way, I'm glad to see FA back up, there is a lot of artists I missed seeing and I'm glad people didn't give up. I will just say it honestly people, FAP sucks, it takes forever to load. I like FA because it's a simple web based gallery.

Apart from that I guess a little update is in order:

My job is still stable, amazingly

I have roomate moving out in a few months, and the other is still looking for a job :_:. He's a wonderful fur, don't get me wrong, but it's not doing good for my stress level.

Hollywood had a little Earth quake, it wasn't much, but it did remind me I live in California *snickers*.

I'm desperately trying to raise about 2-6 thousand dollars in about ten months. That sounds easy, I know, but I have bills and crap. I'll feel safe to have two thousand in my bank, I could survive a sudden need to move into a fairly decent studio apartment if the sh#t really does hit the fan, but I need more if I hope to get my debt down and raise my credit score... without that I'm generally screwed anyway. My roomates still have parents they would stand to live with, or friends they could move in with.... I'm not quite as lucky. Yes, I have friends, though none terribly close.

Apart from that I'm doing fairly well.

Every once in a while I get little reminders that so many of my so-called kindred humans have little more than pretense for morals. Usually it comes in the form of some idiot getting drunk where I work, and while they were sober come there with absolutely every intention of driving home intoxicated. Yesterday, however, it came in the form of some mindless and faceless bastard hacking my old furnation website and then gloating about it in that very place.

I ask myself just why someone would want to do it, and I pretty much understand the reasons... if you want to call it that. People like the "Goons" who hacked into my website think that what I do is evil, that what I am is somehow disgusting and vile. Some may condemn them for such an opinion but I wont. I think everyone has the right to think how they wish, it's that principle that drives me to hate what the bastard had done to me. I would never want to rip down his own site, I would never want to smear his own opinion or take away his right to speak his mind. What worse enslavement could there be than to make a thought criminal?

I don't do *anything* that is evil, and the only will I defy by my actions is the will of those who wish to take away my freedom to act. He may disagree with me being a fur, or my persona being a hermaphrodite, or a bi-sexual, or a secular naturalist, or whatever label that fits me, but he/she is a monster and a fool. He loves power and seeks it, I imagine his morality is in seeking the favor of his fellow "Goons". He doesn't realize that by his own ways that he took could be singled out and hurt. It is a vile cycle that will repeat as it always has untill broken.

Morality is not a popularity contest, it's seeking out what helps one live in the world they are presented. I make it no secret that I don't believe in a God, and if my website were not censored by that idiot you could easily see it. I don't need a powerful being to tell me to be moral, I am moral because what it does for the world.. one I must share with kindred and not. Of course I can't say there is no deity, I actually hope there is one, and if there is I want him/her/it to know I am Moral because it's good, not because my other "Goons" or even a huge "Goon" dictates to me what is right, or what should be defaced because it insults my paper thin ego.

It almost came over me. Posts I make in some forums that are never replied too, chat friends disapearing, a certain artist around here never talking to me *ahem* of whom I will not say the name..... but this is *online* it's supposed to be fun and life is off the computer, not on. My job hours and my limited funds keep me from having a fun party life, but even still, I'm not going to let the fact that Online can't make up for my lack get me down.

Take it from me, it's not worth taking seriously, just move on and find something else.

So, you're furry, but do you think you have an open mind and ability to allow others to comfortably make decisions that really effect no one else but them? How long until the sacred world view is tread on and bigotries you didn't even know where in your head pop out of the blue?

What kind of bigotry to you take for granted, what kind of 'normality' do you hold onto that makes you so damned comfortable that you feel justified in saying "Look at X, so sick" when it's nothing to do with anyone but that one person. So you may have to see it, 'tolerate' it. I feel so sorry for you, that your will to control another person has been violated, oh woe your frail hearts.

There is a phrase I want to coin for this, I call it parasitic morality. It is a type of moralization that depends on others to feed off of, in any other case morality is supposed to determine how an individual is to behave. Honestly, I'm tired of this way of thinking, and anyone who is like this is no friend of mine, don't even look at my art, don't click on my name, don't talk to me.

Of all days, the day of hearts has to be the one where my romantic isolation has to be the worst. During the con I had this chance to lessen that feeling, but for the sake of preventing future heartbreak I decided that to keep my rl celibacy policy.

Now I'm really feeling it, my upper mind is still pretty resolute. I've been though enough relationships that were forged a bit to hastily and have felt the crush afterwards. I think I've lost a few good friends because we moved too fast, but that's history now. Now I help but feel that urge, I just want to jump someone if I knew they were clean, and if I were sure they understood exactly what we are both after... just a bit of fun. Sadly most people invest far too much importance into relationships.. but that's for a rant later on.

Anyway, I'm lonely, at least I'll always have my cyber buddies.

Well, It's finally over and while I didn't get to do everything I wanted... I can safely say I had a good time. I'ts also nice getting home with a few days away from having to go to work. I think I managed to gain a lot of insight into the furry community in general, something that really can't be given words. I've never felt so accepted and loved.. though there were moments of that "who the hell are you" feeling I felt from both sides. It was something that made me feel kind of uncomfortable... but didn't happen with every single new face I met.

What I regret is never making it to the artist lounge.. Ill admit I'm very shy about my art, I feel unready to be challenged by group pressue. It has to be one of the darker spots on the whole trip, the other was that I really don't feel I made any friends. It was all just very nice interaction with my old friends friends.

There is this sad catch 22. Do you want to be the fur that just shows up in some random group essentially inserting ones self into a group of friends? Do you want to spend most of the con alone... you must choose sometimes. Thankfully My frends have good connections.

It was an amazing roller coaster ride, shame it's over, but for the sake of my social anxiety, I'm both glad it's over, and sad it is all in one,

:3 Having some fun, some chaos, but all together fun. *Thinking* about making some sketches in Artist alley, though it's my last day so I dun know. I've been so freeking busy and overwhelmed that it's pretty much impossible to make any set plans.

0___0

So, am I going to be stuck with my room mates or are there going to be some people out there to hand with. I'll bring a sketch book so, who knows, I might actually have the energy to do a few things. I also want to meet other writers, I get my best work by bouncing ideas off other writers.

Oy, I'm so nervous and excited!

I have to be very honest, this has to be one of the hardest journals I'll ever make, but the closer FC comes the more I realize how important it may be. I still remember what one first that first took me in said. He said that he expected me to be a tall thin person with long hair, that's what he gathered togeather by hearing my voice. No one ever says it, but I can feel the disillusion from them when they actually meet me. Janis is what I *want* to be, not (at least physically) I am. So as you can guess I feel like something utterly different trapped in a human body.

If you want the illusion, then I suggest stop reading right now.




















The "Real" Janis

Height: roughtly 5 foot 3 inches
Weight: 180 lbs. (and going down)
Race : White
Hair: D. Blonde
Eyes: Green
Sexual preference : Bisexual
Sex: Male

Yeah, that's what I am... I didn't ask for any of it But that's what I have to work with. I don't expect anyone to accept me as what I desire any more, and if you do then you'll be one of the few people in this world I respect. I try to explain I'm an odd type of transexual, one that doesn't use makeup or dresses, more like I just admit there is a feminine side to me that is very strong. I don't advertise it or try to emphsise it, in fact you first impression you may not even see it.

So I may loose a few drooling fans, but I would rather loose them now then some awkward moment at Further Confusion.

Hmm, it was pretty nice. I Spent time over at the PS and my Social Anxiety Disorder really didn't act up all that bad, I was really trying hard for my roomate.

I couldn't help but feel the label "outsider" slapped on my head as for a few furs, and then again some were abit *over* friendly. I'm just horrible in crowds, and if you saw me there and I didn't talk I apologise, that's just how I am.

Either way We had food, a few movies, and some low-key fun. I can certainly say it beat being home alone.

Hope you had a happy New year too!