Original Journal
I think a family member used to call me 'Bunky' sometimes, which I thought was cute but uh, as with a lot of things, stuff we thought was cute at one point sometimes...Doesn't always feel quite as appealing as you get older.

Hello to everyone still hanging on at this account. As you can see, I've begun posting again and it's a rather personal comic. Here:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45379369/

And I've decided to post it across every account I have. I've got 2 others here on FA, and I decided "Why don't I just effectively make them one?" I don't mean to game views or audiences or whatever, I seriously just think deleting more stuff doesn't work and I'd rather it just be a messy...mish-mash of...Me! So that's my solution for now.

What I treasure most about this account was the fact that, er...well! Some normies watched me! There's nothing wrong with being a normie but when you're into some extreme stuff, it's really hard to overlap your company! So, if you'll give me another chance, my lovely vanilla-ish watchers, I've tried to make my work a bit more accessible while still touching on a lot of things that are important to me. You'll see!

There's not much else to say, I'm posting everything everywhere and I want to try to keep this focus, however unpleasant it might be (but, some say it's been cathartic for them). If you'd like an example of the sort of complicated thoughts that have powered my latest impetus,
Here you go! I talk about something that's not easy to sensationalize, but I can't help but feel the burning desire to explain the pain underneath...What I talked about, and how at the bottom of everything it powers a lot of my alienating, self-comforting behaviors.

That'll be all for now, here's hoping this time it goes off well!

3-1-24

Yeah, back to  DJ-Poopypants.

Knock knock, who's there? Severe anxiety!

I've decided that it would be too nerve-wracking to even disable or delete any accounts because I know that people would get angry at me. And even if I did re-invent myself and came back all triumphant, we all know it would just happen all over again maybe a year or two after that. In fact I'm not even sure why I announced it in the first place. But superfluous announcements are just something that comes with the package when it comes to me, don't you know?

So kind of pretend like nothing happened. But I will be finding a way to block this site somehow...I really just don't want to be around guys <.>; I'll try to shut up from now on.

Hi everyone, something peculiar happened the other day when I said "Maybe there really is no true outlet for me and maybe art progress is holding me back in life" and ever since then I've noticed a lot of productivity when I don't feel like I need to oblige anyone online.

I think the truth is that I like my stuff way more than I could expect anyone else to, and I know this because of the hours and hours of ruminating and planning I do for these projects, but I'm always held back by the monstrous legion of potential roadblocks in the way, such as the social aspect of how/when/where to post and to who/why, how hard I have to work on it and keeping up an image, what media to do it in, how to preserve or archive it after, blah blah blah. A few days ago I just archived all my art to an old hard drive and all my traditional work to a box in the garage and I considered myself "not an artist" at least not in a public sense.

So about a hiatus, I know I don't talk to everyone and it would just be easier to leave without anyone knowing but that always gets people angry, even though I really should have the right to do that. But I felt I should mention that I'll be disabling this and the other account simply because I don't want to look at them. I feel no more compulsion to share art right now, and coming to this place just gets my hopes up for submissions or comments that might make me feel good, but honestly for me I treat it like a drug. Always looking for the next fix, and sometimes (most times) there just isn't anything to go around.

I think I sound kind of arrogant but it's really just how I feel. I can't really be myself I learned. When I started drawing my new drawings I let everything out because I knew I couldn't expect anyone to like it--or rather, the people who associate with me the most wouldn't like or appreciate it. I'm tired of shoving my work in people's faces only to squeeze out a short comment on it, I really wish I were more evocative. Even if I get to a point where my work is more evocative, I know I'll just use it like a drug again.

Anyway, you can thank my personal friends who've had gripes about me pulling my stuff in the past for this journal, I'm letting you know because most likely I will be on a site where I see you again (if you're not currently in my contacts). So I say get to saving. Honestly since I don't post anymore, not much is changing, I'd just feel more comfortable with disabling. I'll be disabling both my FA accounts and my IB account soon, probably will delete my Tumblrs, Twitters and Pixivs, maybe when I get around to it. So I'm telling you now to start saving lol, I sort of want to detach myself and I think this'll do the trick. Just disabling these ones. I'll be back probably in some way but I don't want to be here right now is all, probably will do it sometime this week.

I thought I would just 'wax nostalgic' as they say about what it used to be like for me prior to the internet showing up in my life. I sort of want to talk about how different I feel about things today versus back then...

I was born in 1991, and we got a family computer sometime in the early 2000's, but it was really bad and none of us knew how to use it. Around that time I had probably begun drawing, around 5th grade where I drew a bunch of generic Sanrio-like character knockoffs...I had a huge thing for the cartoon "Keroppi" at the time.

I got my first actual 'fursona' starting in the summer from 5th grade to 6th grade, a figure who I say "he-who-shall-not-be-spoken-of-again" sort of. But I am speaking of him again lol, he was some "combination of all reptiles" and just trust me when I say he looked really bad. This is also the time to mention that my uh...proclivity started showing itself and only I was in the dark about it. You know that whole "haha, just for laughs" thing? Well I was definitely the poster child, I just wasn't sure myself <.>;

Anyway, I still had no internet at this point. Wow am I glad about this. I didn't start improving at drawing until after I got internet, and I don't know how I would have handled the feedback if I ever posted that stuff there. You'd be seeing a really different me for example, I'm sure!

Anyway, I forcibly killed off that fursona in about 7th grade, and a few weeks later came to me my first ever characters, Taylor and Wally (who is now nicknamed DJ...) and I also figured there would be a sister, Candice to round this trio out, who had found Wally as a baby or something--I've never been able to have a backstory with them, they just grew up together I guess. Anyway, still no internet, but getting there...

I'd say that's where the first real iteration of 'my own style' came out, around 7th grade. It wasn't until about 10th or 11th grade that I'd have stable internet at my house, but I did go to the library and that's where I had my first DA account and my first FA account I believe. The end of the beginning was near, but the big even that really kicked me into the internet was 1) Joining a Jojo forum where I met some important people, and B) being coerced into joining a comic site I was much, much too inexperienced to use. After that is history, anyone watching me from the beginning can tell how I was after this point in time...

But I bring all this up because I feel like there must have been something I had back then but I don't now. I was always thirsty for feedback and playmates in school prior to internet, but I feel like the expectation that someday I'd have more people surrounding me was keeping me going. Today, I do have those people...But the hope that more could come sort of has dried up. I feel like I've really hit a ceiling. I don't feel right at all with my art, and back in the day I was fine keeping it a secret. I didn't think anyone would ever see Misty or Arthur for example.

Back before really accessible social media, or trends or any of that stuff, goals seemed different...I feel like today I'm sort of robbed of hope now that I've arrived where I expected to be years ago. I dunno I guess I sort of wish I was alone or at least unaware of how all this social stuff worked, I've never been very good at that. If I could I would just privately distribute my art to my friends and such, but I can't think of a good, convenient system. I used to love the idea of being public with my work--I remember the open ridicule and suggestions to tone down things--but now I'm almost terrified of it. I don't want to do anything anywhere. I wish I could revert it back to how it was in school, where I'd wait until lunch or the library to show something I'd drawn to completion earlier that day. I'd force feedback by being right there,just as it would be asked of me and whatever they wanted to do. But today it's more about skill and referencing ability in a world where we're so over-fed with information on anything we ever wanted to know, it's disheartening knowing my work (or anyone whose work is worth it) takes up so much less real estate in mind these days.

Hi all. Thanks to the new watchers and the old, I just wanted to pop in and say some things I guess.

I would probably open by saying how guilty I feel about yanking my watchers around and how often I don't post, and how I want to become more and more introverted, only to burst out and want attention again.

I've come to the conclusion I need some extra help in my life, I don't want to make any artistic promises until this is mostly resolved. I feel like I need a vacation from my own mind, and sort of reset everything. I'd like people to continue considering me inactive, when I do feel like being active I think you'll know about it. But let's not make any promises. It will happen when it happens.

I've been spending a lot of time dancing around and pushing problems under the rug but I think I'm going to need some consistent visits with doctors and therapists before I ever am able to really behave as I'd really like to online, and my own profile.

The hardest problem still is how exactly to deal with my content. The highest rated solution is to just accept that people will find out about me even if I use two different signatures, and to just do it. I have extreme anxiety about posting now and I just can't show much unless it's personal, or I get someone else to show it. (wink wink  Yure16 heheh)

I just wanted to say I'm still around, but I'm not really ready to do very much. I'm grateful most of you stick around, but I think it's just time I'd better look for some help. If anyone has various doctor/anxiety/drug use/etc sorta serious problems like that, any advice for any of that, I'll listen. Also, if anyone understands what it means to assuage the massive, impending guilt of accepting...Benefits from a certain source, I really want to hear that. I didn't think I could feel lower than I did when I resigned myself to...Begin that process.

I still need some more time but I'm here and I still have hope I can entertain you all when the time is right.

Art-wise, things have felt satisfying upon posting and formulating plans to be online again. I do owe a lot to my friends who've talked to me about a lot of thoughts I've had about it, and I'm sure I won't stop stressing over these things, but as of right now my priorities feel pretty solid. Truthfully the only thing I'm worrying about in life now is money and having a stable way of getting it...Here's hoping I don't have to marry this idea to art.

In any case, I have a few things rolling around in mind as to what I consider some goals I want to work on. If anyone has feedback or ideas I'd like to hear it.

General Improvement
Improvement has really come into my mind again, it feels like I'm just a few steps before reaching my 'next echelon' and it feels like I'm dragging my feet some. I'm glad I'm getting more comics done, faster than before for now and I intend to get even faster, but drawing at the same level you've been drawing at is no excuse for blazing a new path and incorporating new information to better yourself. Truthfully I think it's because all my friends passionate at art improvement have moved on into new social circles, most of that is why I don't think of it as much as I used to. If anything, one thing that would help is if I could be that person for all of my friends who have yet to take the plunge into fundamental art practice. As much as I like the idea of trades and cute drawings back and forth, I'd really rather talk about new ways to improve right now.

Website
FA has been good to me, so has IB and Tumblr for the most part. But I don't want to be posting from other peoples' websites forever. I really wish I could link people one website for everything I do, multiple comic and image galleries right there, multiple versions of things to download without the fuss, in a visual style I like. I wish I could say to more general audiences "Here's this side of my website" and to my alternative fans "go find the secret link and access the other side!". My main problem is I am no web developer, and my energy is more devoted to practicing drawing and getting comic/story pages done right now. Development, financially securing it and general security are all huge roadblocks that I'd like to work out with a professional, but luckily, I won't have to think about that until I have some more substantial comic work to post there. Which luckily, is looking closer and closer.

Translations
A few of you know that I really like dabbling in various languages (not that I've gotten past intermediate in any of them...) but another part of that is the social aspect. I really love the idea of showing my stuff to people of different backgrounds and cultures than mine, I know that some might find some less acceptable, but some might find some of it more acceptable. The Great Osamu Tezuka would publish his manga volumes with an English summary at the very beginning so that more people across the world could enjoy his works. That's the kind of thing I admire very much and something I'd like to try too. Though, with the internet and multiple download links and a bit of time in Photoshop, I could do this sort of thing with multiple languages (if I sit in front of my work with a dictionary of the language and/or beg some of my friends to help me...) and this prospect is something I really like the idea of, and another thing that I think a website would help with greatly.

Self-Sufficiency...Or the lack of it
As life goes on it becomes more and more apparent to me that drawing--actually, trying to tell stories--is the only thing I have a passion for. The career world really has no place for someone like me unless I felt like signing myself underneath an editor or production company (and that's after a few more years of study and practice). I've really tried getting into other jobs and careers but none really speak to me, as of now it feels like I'm just going to have to be some low-brow jack-of-all trades. If it means a job wherever I go in positions I enjoy, I don't mind not having a college degree. I've always just wanted to be a janitor, I've said this since since I exited High School, it's just no one ever feels like hiring!

...Ah but yeah hehe what about this and art goals, well, lately I've been battling the temptation to consider monetizing my work...The thought now already makes me cringe because I've tried this once before which ended in an embarrassing failure. I'm caught between two schools of thought: One is the way I feel like everything should be pure and free. I would just openly release my stuff in public domain so that anyone who wanted to see it could see it, just like I always wanted since I was a child. I wouldn't have to adhere to content ratings, editors, the threat of losing money, none of that. But then sometimes life starts to put a fire underneath me, and I think of another school of thought: Seeing if it's at all feasible to ask my supporters for financial support. It gets whispered in my left ear like some greedy imp. "Come on, everyone's doing it! that guy/girl has a Patreon for a couple hundred dollars a month, you could get to that point with some work!" as it rubs it's hands in my ear, hoping I'll log back into Patreon and make a journal announcement. With the reality that I'm no career-oriented person, it's easier to fall to the temptation of thinking that I should be supported for my work. But in my heart this just doesn't feel right. Even the idea of flagging my Patreon as mature only makes me shudder. The idea of milking my fans, and trying to play up my own ineptness in finance makes me feel even worse. I want to love my fans back, not guilt trip them.

If anything, this point is definitely what I'd like to hear the most criticism on, both positive or negative.

I think that's all that's on my mind right now...Currently I'm finding out JUST how long it takes to do comics and stuff again but it's worth it. I'm going to start on Aura Phase chapter 2 soon, but I'd like to finish the first chapter of the wolf comic. I'd also like to TRY to get a short alternative comic done at my other account when I can. On the side of all that, I'd like to try to practice more and start a portfolio. And I do think I'd like to get in the habit of doing fanart, but only for friends or other artists who share a mutual affection for. There are two pieces of official fanart I'd like to do, one is a secret and the other is of an older 80's Disney cartoon, I think I can do very well at these if I try. I guess that's it. Gonna practice, try for more comic pages and sort of hope I can think of a website in the future. Right now I'm just re-watching Red Letter Media reviews (their cynicism is like medicine for my heart...) and listening to some low-view lets plays in other languages.

I've decided to become more transparent with my two accounts. ( DJ-Poopypants)

As much as I'd love to hammer in the idea that I believe all my drawings are legitimate, it's not easy and is prone to argument. Because of that, anything that has to do with my very specific proclivity is going over there, and everything else will be over here.

I deleted a few little drawings, but I uploaded them over there. It's not that important though, what is important is that I'd like to try to focus on more finished projects, so I moved a few things to scraps, and from now on I'd like to take things easy and only post when I have something substantial.

I haven't gone all prudish on you guys btw, I'm still completely open to fetishy and sexy stuff, any day of the week.

Would talk more, but I'm a bit tired. I'll probably try to post more a little later if I can.

A long time ago I felt like what I wanted most from drawing online was skill and validation. Then I learned that improving is not difficult and that validation means nothing if the person giving it is someone you don't care about. Then I thought to myself all I wanted was attention and fame. Then I realized that attention means nothing mostly because most people are fickle, and to be honest not always the most suited to be the recipient of whatever art related message you intend to give.

If I look back and think of the last thing I want and plug it in, I think I would have had many less problems maintaining a presence online. I would say that thing is community. How I have learned how hard it is to keep a good community! My first ever forum that I joined has since drowned in a pool of it's own vapid user base. Another forum I had frequented sunk itself under all but indecipherable drama between the administrators. Another simply died out due to lack of interest after a website move, and the only remaining one I know of no longer has the bite that I know feel ready for, as well as just a generally mismatched environment for someone like myself.

As much as I'd love to reach my hands out and ask "Who would like to collaborate with me?" I can't imagine a positive outcome benefiting whichever parties would oblige me. Here at FA, the purgatory of cartoon animal fans, It seems I personally am beset by a few issues.

To extend a hand to someone significantly lower than my skill level would be disingenuous, just like if I reached up to someone significantly higher than my own skill level. I wouldn't feel so upset about not being able to collaborate with people like this if I saw some evidence of those people trying to climb up. Even acknowledgement that maybe fundamental practice of any kind is beneficial would help. But it seems skill and style are inseparable in the minds of some. Some people feel like to retain your treasured style, you have to keep your skill level low. It's been suggested it's not my place to meddle with what other people want. As long as it's not my place, it is also not my avenue to pursue when it comes to accompaniment.

I feel those with skill levels higher than mine, those that I do respect and are approachable--always seem to not be approachable. Whether it's school or work that carries them and their creative drive away, or maybe it's their iron schedule to pump out commissions, or possibly just a general lack of social acuity, or a general unpleasantness socially, it seems anyone who I look up to never has time to do something laid back. Everything has become a business, some form of prostration, or not important enough to collaborate, all equating to wasted time, etc. It would be hypocritical to suggest that these people need to bend down for me when I have been shown not to do it for other people, but there doesn't seem to be any way for me to break through to them, unlike the concessions I'm willing to give.

And so that must mean I'm the perfect one! I'm the only one striving to maintain originality and creativity, right? Well you can rest assured that I can't in good conscience say that. I can say for me personally that I think I do mean well on these fronts, but my own sort of shortcomings are a form of chemical imbalance. It's all but certain to those concerned that for me, it's not a discussion about motivation or goals. It's a pill that I need to find, one that won't eradicate my creative drive while also making me feel like there's a reason to continue projects. In any case--I think I'd feel a little less upset if someone I was upset with would match my personal shortcoming, but so far it always seems to be a different issue.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't know what hope there is for any community out there. People talk about jumping ship at FA, or this or that, but I don't know where you go from here. Does it get any better? Have we sort of ran the course of small community forums, or fan-zines, or art jams? Why doesn't anyone feel like I do when it comes to rousing interest for this sort of thing? How is it that with a stone's throw you can hit someone pumping out commissions or fanart and maximizing it's viewability before they'll ever tell you a few words about their own characters or plans for them? Why can't I find someone else who's as enamored with the idea of originality and original characters as I do, why are we so rare?

I'm still working on my own, chemistry-related shortcomings, and I can only hope everyone else is for the respective roadblocks. But even if magically all was said and done, would that create magically the drive to collaborate and put effort towards coming together artistically? I can say for sure that when my problem is fixed, yes. But can anyone else?

Today I decided that I'd might as well just start posting things again, if only to change things up in life. It may not be a magical portal to everything I've ever wanted art wise, but it is better than waiting day in and day out for people to pop up on Skype, to hope that MAYBE they're not busy enough to devote huge blocks of time to me and me only.

I decided that I will try to use here and the associated accounts as my 'main' accounts, and my other account ( DJ-Poopypants) as my..."Dumping" account, heheh.

I feel like I could go on for days, and days and days on how I feel and what I wish I could do to straighten things out--and honestly, that was a sign. The fact that everything is so convoluted and tangled up on a not-THAT-intensive problem says to me that I might need a little more help with this unique art angst I go through. As I like to call it, I might need some "brain chemistry" done after talking to a doctor about this, because I am certain this is not a relatable problem with other artists. The trail of frustrated friends I've left in my wake is a testament to that!

So I think that's what I'll do now--I'm going to see if I can spruce up this FA, my Tumblr and my Pixiv, maybe I'll get a twitter one of these days, and I'll leave my other side open as links on these respective accounts.

Just SOMETHING to change up these boring days I've been having for months, jeez!

It seems like for years all I'd wanted was a true platform to express myself and now that I've gone ahead and proved it can be done, it feels like there's no reason to strive for it anymore!

I remember hitting FA back in 2009, when I was afraid if a drawing included my handwriting it could be traced back to an example from school and I'd be made fun of. Or the same year when I only drew below-the-necks of characters so that no one would recognize my style since I didn't have to draw their faces.

I had driven off a lot of people by constantly bringing up the trouble I had concerning pursuing art that I want at the same time as holding a general profile. Then, about a year ago all it took was a certain game, a certain way-of-life book and a basic primer on philosophy (Thanks  Yure16 I'll definitely check your actual suggestion some day hehe >w>) to completely change how I viewed things, all of my goals flipping inside out over the course of a few months.

And now, imbued with the will to persevere and blaze my own path, well...It seemed like all I ever wanted was that possibility! And now that possibility has been accessed. And now...I don't know what else to do lol.

Before, I wanted to become some great original storyteller for the masses but during my tonal shift I realized that masses aren't worth performing for. I wanted to put out provocative stories or comics or videos that would stir up tons of conversation but people at large aren't interested in a challenge, just whatever homogenized garbage they can watch while they eat or talk about at their virtual water coolers. I've become comfortable in my identity as a hardcore naturist/sex-positive person only to find out I'm swimming in an ocean of prudes and that no one will ever buy what I'm selling. Only difference is that before I used to look up at them with a pained expression, now I look down on them in pity. I could go on and on but it's this sort of thing in all areas of my life.

I wonder what will ignite my new spark, seeing as how all my old goals have faded away. Lately, I've gotten heavily into writing--something I've always recognized as a strength outclassing my artistic ability, but chose not to pursue just due to pleasing the masses (Looking at a picture is easier than reading paragraphs). Lately I've been getting comfortable with it mechanically; despite being a writer at heart I"m very weak at actually doing it, but that's going to change.

It has been refreshing to not only stop craving attention, but to come to revile it, knowing the vapid, shallow place it came from. It's been very comforting to realize The Art Industry is no place for me either, since I don't aspire to performing under an editor's thumb or the populace's fickle demands. When it comes to big goals like that, I don't know what I want. And outside of the crippling boredom the lack of camaraderie brings, I'm fine to leave it that way. Yeah, truly I would prefer some company that I don't have to pretend around. See, you might now know this but not only has FA proven to be a fickle mistress but so have my other watering holes on the internet. For example I've completely disconnected myself from the Jojo's Bizarre Adventure community and its news outside the comic itself. I no longer frequent any art websites (Yes, even the 'normal' ones!) like I used to since I've got no one who shares the same vibes on ANYTHING that I do.

I could go on and on, but I'm really very bored right now. This isn't even taking into account the sexual frustration of being specifically into a kink nobody else has. But it all adds up. I wonder what I could do now that's fun. This is mainly the reason why I haven't posted anything--I COULD post things, but I don't feel the need to. If you're someone I trust or care about chances are I've given you access in some capacity recently--if not, I may not feel that close to you just yet, or, I possibly consider you a leech who can only demonstrate they have an affinity for one specific channel of my art in the first place.

Hello everybody, those familiar and those new to me.

I'm glad that most people have felt positive about this account. It started in a cynical haze of me thinking "Nothing really matters, I'd might as well do straight up porn commissions, it's the only way to get money and attention these days". So I even posted a few things to that effect, but after sleeping on the decision for a few hours I just decided to myself "You know, maybe I could just TRY to have the dream 'all purpose' account that I've always wanted. If it doesn't work out, THEN I'll sell my soul for porn commissions". I'm now hoping it doesn't come to that!

So far it's felt relatively good. As a lot of you know, applying content ratings/filters to my work is something that's always pained me. I just hope my small disclaimer saying that I don't personally believe/support them will override the tone of any rating I have to give. There comes a time where you get so lonely and pent up from not ever showing anything off that you have to decide on these kinds of things...

Anyway, in terms of plans from here on out, I've also set up my Tumblr and Pixiv accounts. Tumblr will be about the same as here except in a few weeks will have a surprise for all of you, and Pixiv will just be me cross posting drawings with my working knowledge of Japanese.

By the way, if anyone was wondering about the name, it's a family nickname my aunt sometimes used for me >w> Coming up with a name is pure pain as most of you know, but I'm glad I've settled on something that's sentimental, cute and silly. That's a tone I like to reflect in general as well!

For those who follow the other account

I have not abandoned it. It's staying the way it is for now, though I may migrate a few pieces over to this account. The way I see it, if I come up with something that has more than 2/3rds subject matter that has to do with that stuff, then I'll post it over there. If not, I'll deem it possibly appropriate to post here, and I do have a preference on posting stuff like that here when and if I can.

Please do not feel the need to promote me or spread the news of this new account to anyone who isn't a close friend. The idea is that I'd like to gain attention and company the natural way, that is to say via my 'true self' and 'true interests'. I want people to follow me for me, and not to kiss up to me or just to boost my watcher count. In fact, it will feel nice to shed off a bunch of vapid people who only cared about me for one thing in the first place.