Check my scraps!
If you didn't know, I put a lot of my old art in my scraps gallery. I'm all done posting old art, only new stuff from now on, but please go see what's in there from olden times if you'd like.

More older work in scraps:
 DJ-Poopypants

Hey all how's it goin' -w-

Just being paranoid about AI, and not-so-subtly trying to migrate over to Inkbunny. What would people think?

Well, as long as I think 'what would people think' I doubt anything's going to happen!

Trying to kinda figure out 'what I'm supposed to do...'

A lot of the time I kinda think the material I illustrate can be sorta hurtful. But I want to still do it, and you mostly want to see it, isn't that right?

I'm known for 'bathroom stuff' but sorta, positive, inconsequential bathroom stuff. All my mind's on lately is these harsh, negative experiences where having an accident is not seen as some frivolous thing to look past. In real life...Ah, I don't need to go into it.

It's cause there's plenty of IRL examples of legitimately unpleasant stuff on that subject so, movin' on for now.

Feels like I'm not needed, y'know? Isn't today all about video essays and whatever? Who even reads comics? Oh, the folks who make the video essays, huh...

I'm fine to continue doing silly bathroom stuff but I'm dying to do something full of pain, something you can't just look past. You have to look at it, and process.

Feeling real selfish on wanting to play some games on stream. Namely, Lisa: The Painful or Omori or something. That's where my mind's at lately. But I'm not looked at for games am I? I'm known for drawing. Feels selfish. Selfish to feel like people should watch.

Well, anyway. I think I have started to throw my hat into Inkbunny some more. It was a mistake to think 3 accounts was acceptable.

Hmm...

I wonder, how about more?

I've got a chip on my shoulder. Seems like I don't see my work the same way as others do. It's either fetish work, OR, general. I wonder...For years I wonder how to wash it all away.

Sometimes I wonder...If poopy potty type stuff is seen as, well not sex but, fetishy, I wonder.

If you focus on the pain, the most relatable sensation, will it eventually transcend fetishy work into substantial?

I wonder. If I followed every guideline for the most squeaky clean platform, and just focused on the pain...

What do you think? Do you think my cutesy bathroom stuff that is technically fetishizing characters, do you like that more? What if I were to go into how awful it feels to have an accident at a bad time? What if that became 'my thing'? Like I said, hard to figure out what I'm even doing on these art platforms. In a few years, I think AI will produce more provocative generations than a human artist ever could...It gets to me. That I've wasted so much time feeling guilty.

I don't wanna post. I wanna talk. I want feedback. I want to know what to do next.

EDIT: Starting up again!

Shamefully, I'll have spent 31 years on this earth with all I have to show for it in less than a week. I'll be streaming aiming around 2:30 my time (UTC? I don't know about time zones.)
But today, starting around 20 minutes from this journal, so about 4:00 PM this day.

Talking about my feelings just works me up, so let me save you 6-9 paragraphs right here and say I'm working on things.

I'd like to take commissions again I owe a few which have been noted, and I'll be taking new ones. My goal is to get just a little bit of cash together before really committing to doing this every day. If I could go to the store today I'd be happy.

Technically, no plan. My schedule is not set nor are my commissions; up until about a week from now it's free drawing plus whatever other support I can garner. I wish I could make it sound better. I feel like a worm, a snake, things worse than that but if I say it, it'll translate to less support and less advice. I suppose that's just a 'Jarr' problem. Others have it worse.

https://picarto.tv/JarrCCB

Seriously too, I thought wrong on 'tri posting.' I don't want to do it, no more accounts, no more passwords. I'm officially getting off my high horse, if Twitter is the best way to post these things, let me know. No seriously.
Let me know--I ask this every time, sometimes directly, and I feel as if no suggestions come, and as a result I'm exposed less. Please, help me. Want a request? I don't know what I have to do.

See ya there if you have the time.

Hey all, just a 'quick' journal. Things aren't quite right, not sure when they will be. Overall, going okay for the moment. Seems a bit rough out there from my perspective underneath this rock, so hoping others weather their respective storms as well.

I stopped pacing around the hallway, tried to calm my heart a bit to write this journal. This seems to happen every day. In my mind I see pages, and pages and pages of comic. Half of them stories, but half of them are informational like my trauma comic. I realize my writing deteriorated to the point of near-illegibility, I realize this--but it means my sole form of effective expression is drawing now. I'll skip the sob story and just say it's so hard to feel like doing anything at all, things way easier than picking up a pencil. I feel like I'm pressure cooking myself. I feel like every moment I don't get an entire, structured comic out with a beginning, middle, end, a neat little twist, good art--every moment it's not being done, I'm letting someone down. It's just an endless pressure.

I feel like a purpose, or a duty to explain what's going through my mind. Some stuff is so complicated I can't even get into it, but some I can. Specifically, I think about how I could do better with my art to serve a better function rather than JUST exciting others. I mean, exciting others is great but I must be honest, I feel a lack of a sense of purpose. I end up feeling like, while smut and gross stuff is in fact still fun to draw, I feel a dread thinking it's all I'll ever do or all I'll ever be known for.

I think the main issue is that I've kind of stopped making any sort of progress in any way a while back, and I keep thinking drawing is going to solve it, or drawing is the way. To save yet another sob story, I'm not so good at keeping a job and it of course makes me think that maybe I could get back to art. I will be honest in saying I really need to. I hate that years ago I could just throw a stream up and make half of what I need this month in like a week. Unfortunately I'm running out a lot of good will (and cold, hard cash.) from friends by essentially promising to do art instead of doing it. It's disgraceful to be honest. But it just seems so weird and painful. Feels like putting pen to paper, 'when you think about it long enough', is in some form, harmful. Most of my exciting material that I do for money, or at least sexual arousal also share the same space as something I find so dark and traumatic. Those events I portray in commissions and 'fun art', and also want to talk frankly in a more generalized setting are discussions I think that would better serve society, all of it, but if it's no longer just adults-only smut, it needs to be adjusted. I spend hours, every day, trying to compose in my mind just the right first page for a comic whose ultimate goal is to explain that we as a society hold the tools to inhibit public humiliation, as well as the tools to foster weaponized shame, utilized often within what we refer to as 'our communities'. I feel like it's not being talked about. A journal like this won't do anything, it needs to be a comic. Something that someone spent time on. A video would be even better, like a video essay. And while we're at it, might want to learn how to edit, and maybe animate, you know, uh, and then there's where to post it--is it seen as inappropriate, did I speak insensitively, is it even right to do in the first place--I literally just pass out thinking about this stuff these days.

There is also the fact that I realize I've used art as a tool to benefit myself since I've been online. I want to give a great big, non-sarcastic shoutout to the voice who cut through the rest years ago and told me that my "Poopypants guide" was a mating call. I agree, and I agreed back then but it seemed like the way I behaved was the only way. I could not see an alternative. These days as I learn new things every day showing the world isn't what I thought it was, and it's easy to see that "guide" was self-serving. I should say I'm glad for those who still enjoy it. The one part that sticks out to me positively still, is that many resonated with the idea of not exacerbating shame when/if witnessing it. That's the one speck of pride I feel from that disgusting advertisement after all these years.

It has become easier to separate elements that have mixed up in mind, and structuring them for better, clearer purposes. Every day I don't draw (and post, and promote myself, etc) I feel like others still have this thought of me in mind that isn't how I am anymore. I want to at least get it out there, in a way everyone will see (a comic or video or something.) that I'm different now. But I do believe it's a compulsion. This urge to want everyone to see me a certain way is a goal that only benefits me. So long as this goal is mixed up with actual altruism or compassion, it will always be a contaminated brew that will serve no one, ultimately.

I have mixed feelings on not continuing the trauma comic in the form it's in. On the one hand--I don't have it in me to go further right now on what I planned to do. On the other hand--I wanted to do that comic for friends that may be in a bad spot, in a peculiar way. It was going to lead up to how we end up humiliating others, sometimes making deliberate choices to wield shame-inflicting weapons on others that we trusted or those who have trusted us. Often, no conversation or discussion is even considered. I wanted it to get out there, maybe try to help those friends I'm thinking of by maybe getting a conversation about shaming others online. But I bit off more than I can chew, and now we all languish. I try not to frame things so negatively, but it's hard to when I can just feel the despair off those friends I just wish I could help with the one skill I have.

I don't think I can put it any other way than it feels unsafe to draw online, a lot of the time. These days.

I would like to draw fanart of a few things. Earlier on in life I was told that if you drew fanart you were a fan of stagnating and that you should be reading an Andrew Loomis book. The collar is slowly withering away. At the same time, I have a lot of thoughts on the entertainment industry that conflict with my current standards on art, now removed from a strictly skill-based perspective. It's so clear in mind, just like it always was...Just feels like the pencil is made of barbed wire. I feel funny even typing about my thoughts on a game. It's that far ingrained in me that those thoughts could be better spent on improving art, or making money directly.

Digital is too much for me at the moment, traditional only. For those I owe, it'll have to be traditional for the moment, I'm sorry.

I would love to get back to just free-drawing and requests. When art becomes linked to groceries, it's so hard to feel like justifying it, no matter how much you detest the idea that everything is just based around money, how much you detest the idea that free, fun and probably meaningful gifts will always lose out to a commission. Requests are permanently closed, for everyone, everywhere. Because we all get hungry.

I would like to try to say that we're just all going to have to see, and hope that things get better, y'know. Like every time. I feel like it's been that way for a long time. Things seem to be hard, it's putting me down pretty bad and it seems many others aren't in a great position right now either. I wish I could serve my narcissistic tendencies a little more effectively--and also, separately, help out.

I'll leave it at that. When I hit 'create/update journal', I will try not to etch grooves into the hallway as my mind explodes. I will try not to track the sticky tile to the carpet for hours on end, trying to think of how to best compose my sheepgoat explaining things to an audience. Try not to mentally compose entire stories that I know I would be proud to work on, only to worry myself hungry, eat and then take a nap, and then do it all again the next day. I'm going to try not to think about the voices and the ghosts with really good reasoning as to why what I'm doing is a bad idea. Try to fulfill my promises to draw for the money I already had to spend. Try not to think about the non-ghost voices with good reasoning and passion for the internet dogpile. Just...Try to enjoy things again while having purpose. It feels like beating my head on the wall, and the headache is just making things a little hard to focus. I will try and try again, here's hoping the headache doesn't get worse. Without an alternative, hoping is all any of us can do.

Sorry if being so withdrawn has upset anyone lately. I felt more than anything to just say thanks to everyone who's given me feedback and cared about stuff I've done lately.

Overwhelmed by too much stupid crazy stuff upstairs hehe! Maybe you know how it goes. I have to try to distance myself for a while, a bit more than just taking a break. Uh...Too much stuff has been going on, to the point where I'm unable to explain it all. Just don't have the energy, but uh, it's making the whole expression and 'sensitive topics to explore online' a bit more difficult.

The trauma comic

Thanks, so, sooooo much to everyone who's read and told me what they thought. I'll be honest, I think I may have overestimated my confidence in not wavering on this whole topic. What I've already drawn was senseitive enough, but I'll put it plainly--I'll be using the mature and perhaps adult tag, and then probably places that don't even use tags to get to uh, the full story. I'm so embarrassed! Embarrassment is a form of fear, and they say you should never have fear. So, embarrass yourself? Hehehe, You know, the idea of putting those unclear on my situation in my shoes does tickle me, for sure!

I will be starting it over. Just uh, completely washed out--it's morphed into something new every day to the point where I can't just pick up where I left off. It's probably gonna take a while. Why does explaining my most sensitive moments burn in the back of day-to-day life the way it does?

Implicating a family member, and being questioned by friends on why I'd feel nervous about doing so. It's all a lot to take in.

Turning a corner

I turned a corner lately and when I see through this lens, everything feels a lot more clear. I feel like to get into it would just be to tease. All I'm saying is I feel a lot better lately but it requires sorta taking a break. And not thinking so much about image or commissons, despite really needing to consider it again. The self-loathing associated with knowing I used to do commissions freely, but now feels like I have a 'prosopagnosia'-like sensation when it comes to deciding how to plan drawing ideas--let alone what media to use, and how it should be captured and broadcast--it's too much to think about.

I feel like getting into it would be like 'spoiling things', you know? If I just say how I felt, I'd go on for a long time. If I drew something, it'd be easier for others to pay attention and I'd be doing something instead of nothing. I feel like I'm in a daze constantly, wondering why I should be doing what I'm doing. But, as I turn this corner, I've just been feeling better about myself and seeing things differently. I'd say it's a sort of comforting beacon within the fact that my instincts tell me to cross into scarier territory. I do hope you and others look forward to it, but I also hope I don't drown in hoping I'm lauded or expected of doing more than I'm capable of.

Other folks' media.

A day or two ago a friend showed us a super mainstream movie from this year which got me to cry, but they weren't. Ha-ha! sensitive issues! A character who's identified as the creepy weirdo with mommy issues and a talent that's as useful as it is laughable--No future for them!

Crying in front of your friend's friends after a lotta movin' around doing stuff just wanting to relax, ha, oh my oh my.

Whenever I see anyone else's media, I feel like "They're starting to encroach on subjects I want to get into. What's the point? Yeah I can be seen as unique as far as my style goes, but using that as an excuse is just a clear slide into stagnation! But then again Jarr, best not to do nothing, hmmm? Even if it's harmful, it's something, right? Yes it doesn't answer your question but again, they'll tell you it's wrong to do nothing and lecture you about opportunity cost. Bear it, and feel that catharsis at your own expense. You can expend a little more, right? That's what everyone else says you can."

Every day I don't get into stuff I always said I wanted to feels like walking over a bed of nails. I get to see those closest to me laugh at something someone else did, while they complain about those comic artists that 'don't update forever'! I just punch myself in the gut until I go to bed but, uh, punching yourself in the gut as punishment for not doing anything is tiring! Some responsibilities can be achieved but those stories everyone praised you for? Uh, did you forget about all the other stuff that would be better off done? There's always something. Something to save time, save money. It's almost as if stories and art are being phased out. Am I sounding crazy?

I still think of that 4chan post saying all I do is post cringy journals as I prove it right here.

I think of how every day, people that read this journal watch and favorite people that still snub me via notes and justifiably say I run around in circles. I'm just some abominable distraction, but you love them. They give you reason to, while I just kinda squirm in place. Stuff most people are bored of, huh?

...Ah well either way, long story short I wanted to drain a few thoughts into a journal. At the end of the day, I feel like I can turn things around. But that logaria up there, that's what's playing 24/7, y'know? How can you know why I'm so slow if you don't know what it's like? xD if it's simple or stupid, gimme the answer, please! ;w;! Plleaseee ;w; I'm beggin' ya! ;w;!

With that, I'll just hit submit, and I'm withdrawing from IMs and maybe some platforms for now. Drawing has to settle in place again; I think it will but I can't promise anything right now, despite the guilt of knowing I could really use the money/branding-generation of activity. But I gotta stay away for a while. Sorry if it's stupid to bother you again, but like I said, I think I can work things out. I'm just gonna be over there in a corner by myself for a while.

Edit: Fanart Seal

I believe my fanart seal has been broken. If you remember the theme of my last stream announcement's thumbnail art, then you know what broke the camel's back. I feel...Decadent! I feel like freely drawing from games or shows I like with uh, creatures of my own design lately! You see, maybe there's a more inclusive culture around this stuff or more protective circles about fanart, but I was raised in a time when you'd be laughed at for trying to assert your own creative juices with fanart. you'd be seen as pompous, and better off having drawing from Andrew Loomis or Bridgman. I hear the sentiment we might be in a 'post-cringe' society but I'm not so sure about that.

Either way, I still wanna do it :D there's a few things I want to uh...Oh--right, the whole 'idolatry' thing! lol

I always felt it was weird paying such strong tribute to established canon characters that were woven by contracted weavers of illusions (artists for hire.) for the ultimate goal of money! Everyone complains about capitalism but then just kinda opens their wallet for the next colorful thing that kinda looks like what they used to play a long time ago.

I kinda had a little breakdown talking to a younger acquaintance and realizing the grim reality that even if you made a drawing or an animation or a game, it'll just be usurped into a reaction compilation or let's play. This person I was talking to would watch someone play the game I would eventually learn to make! What's the point?

Well, maybe there is a point but again uh, that's yet another ghostly track I'm improving on over in my corner.

What does the CCB stand for?
Anything you want! ^w^

I've decided to begin indiscriminately posting all of my art across all my everything, everywhere. Why not.

I'm glad you guys elected to join me over here at this account, only for it to basically become invalidated a year later--Sounds familiar don't it, hurr hurr! (To new watchers, I'm not so good at the whole 'not having an artist's nuclear meltdown and deleting everything. You may have to get used to it. But maybe not!)

I guess there's not a ton to say, I really wanted to get started on posting this recent comic I felt the absolute need to get out, here:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45379345/

There's 7 pages, and they're all done except for the last one. I'll try to wait on posting all of it for the moment and maybe do 1, maybe 2 a day.

I'd normally write more in the journal but to be honest I do sort of want to get back to drawing. You'll see whatever when it comes out. I just am still kind of tickled I just am tri-posting. Exciting, heh.

Also, throwing out this link in case no one saw it because I basically wanted everyone to see it, this sort of unpleasant journal.

Thoughts?

Hey all ^^ The current direction--Traditional! I can do whatever I or anyone else wants with traditional inking, and considering digital coloring sometimes afterward. That framework seems to work for me.

I'm sure I'll delete this soon. It's...A signature of mine, right? We can downplay negative aspects of the need to delete things as a manifestation of dissatisfaction if I put it that way.

I want to sort of go crazy. If I've ever asked you 'what should I do?' Well, it was because I was avoiding how I feel now. So, as far as I see it--if anyone is upset by my actions going forward, then you should have said something--
And if you didn't understand me before, why didn't you put in the effort? Trying hard is a skill, why won't you see 'Understanding' the same way?

Lemme be honest.

Do I sound crazy?

If I sound crazy, I just await the solidification of my my mockery.

When silence stops and people make fun of me, I will know that what I say was engaged with.

Cringe? Sure. Let me fucking know, how 'bout that? How bout try to scare me directly? How 'bout make me try to vomit, thinking of how cringy you view my words and work.

Perhaps they already know silence is already way more effective at ostracizing.

If it's a matter of engaging someone, then....I cannot forfeit the ability to care about others quite yet.

So, it's a compassionate act to leave my happiness in the hands of others.

You wanna say something to me? Why not?

Is it a matter of language? I'll learn your language. English-spearkers are, as we in the US say, "Quiet as fuck".

If you act like your behavior is too concerning, you'll get a warning.

How do you effectively call for help, in our society?

Forfeiting your rights?

Ha, I'll consider it.

Wanna masturbate? I guess call me.

Don't wanna masturbate? Well, you probably don't wanna talk then. Call me when the feeling returns. That's all I'm good for, right?

You all are gonna hate me very soon. And I tried to avoid it by asking questions. But it's all going to end soon.

Thanks for the time you gave me.