I feel like I've sold out.

Gonna do a couple comissions. Furry/anthro or otherwise.
No pr0nz. Tasteful nudity is different, though.

Just starting with simple stuff..Note/comment/email/contact me somehow and let me know what you want, and I'll let you know on a price. Stuff will be 20 tops, and that'd only be for something colored and really good and stuff.

Spread the word?

I hate people buying things for me.
I always have. I end up feeling indebted to them, or just...uncomfortable. I spent my entire childhood hating the situations I was in and that I was put in by my parents/mom and the terrible places I'd end up. All of it ended up having to do with money, in some way. I always told myself I'd get a job as soon as I could and leave and take care of myself, because I felt I could take care of me better than she could, because somehow she always seemed to do a shitty job of it at one point or another. My friends already have always done so much for me, I never wanted them to give me anything. Anything I've ever been given has later been used against me or used to use me or just in general made me feel guilty...Last year I was put in a situation where I would rather accept small favors than go home for even a few hours, and honestly it helped me get over that a lot, especially when it comes to people that won't use what they give me/do for me to bite me in the ass...But that's only changed to a point. When it comes to bigger things...? I still hate it. Anything more than twenty bucks, I just..
God, I'm trying so hard to accept this present, to stop feeling like shit about receiving it, to just be happy about it and give an honest, "Thank you," and enjoy it, but..Shit, it's so hard. It's going against everything I've been doing for so long. I know you spent at LEAST eighty bucks on this, and it's something I've been wanting/kinda needing and..fucking a', I want to not be a fucking douche about it, but I can't even bring myself to open the box...

Aside from that, though...Lately..I can't get myself to tell someone something that I just need to fucking get over with, and I've been neglecting some people, one in particular, and I've noticed I'm receding into myself in that way I have and I'm not fucking okay with that because I am NOT abandoning him, it's just...hard. And I don't even know why. Why can't I talk, why can't I fucking ask someone that I consider one of my best friends, if not my best, to fucking HANG OUT?
I'm pissed at myself for not being capable of SPEAKING, not even if it's just a hi or hello because I'm too afraid of reactions or afraid of bothering someone that I HAVEN'T SEEN IN OVER A WEEK. Because what the fuck is this shit?

I thought I was getting better, a step at a time, but...
All I've been is angry and horribly, horribly dysphoric and reclusive and..fuck.
i'm so sick of this fucking bullshit..and i'm doing all of it to myself....

I kinda feel like ass.
Been ridiculously dysphoric recently (THANKS MOM I LOVE YOU TOO, BITCH) and battling getting sick. Felt it coming and so far I still feel okay, but..it's still creepin' on me. Been working way too fucking much, inadvertently "ignoring" people simply because I don't have time anymore, and when I do have time I'm just exhausted and only want to sleep or just do nothing...I'm so sorry, to anyone that feels like they haven't been getting much of attention..I know there's probably at least a couple of you..one in particular..-sigh- I can't ask for less hours, though..I need this money to get myself a car and get myself started in college..I just wish it wasn't draining so much from me.

But in other news..Turning 18 on Saturday. Mom is supposedly getting me an industrial for it..and then heading out to Lansing to see the Protomen. <3 Love them so much..finally got something for myself. 8D
Actually have a bit of time off this week, though, since I requested a few days off, so..I plan on using it to my advantage.
Hopefully this birthday is a good'un.

Darien has reached 3'1".
I am totally okay with this.

Working on some "personal problems", particularly my trust issues and silence. I lucked out and found someone not only patient enough to put up with it but that understands. So far, so good.

I miss some people a lot, though. Fuckin' work. I need to fix this.
I plan on it, when I get a chance..Maybe Thursday. Or late tomorrow night...Hm. This will require some thought.

Other than a couple little things...It's been going better for me than, say, a month ago.
I can live with this.

TOMORROW, TO EARTHLORE.

Apparently my best friend is a lamp.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I STILL LOVE YOU AND I'LL MAKE SURE NO ONE UNPLUGS YOU.

But uh anyway I've decided that although the similarity to my last name bothers me, I can't get over the name Brendan. So. Any of you that know my real name, it'd be cool if you could..not use that anymore. Brendan or Jayden.
And if you could use male pronouns..Like him/he/his/etc or gender neutral ones...That'd be pretty awesome. And stuff. And junk.

If anyone wants to ask me something feel free but uh yeah I think that's it.

I was asleep, but..had a...weird happening wake me up. And now I can't get back to sleep.
Just...too worried about too many people, I guess. Three in particular.
-sigh-
Maybe I'll just stay awake until I go to work...and be awesome and maybe nap when I get picked up tomorrow or just be a boss and wait until tomorrow night to sleep.
An hour and a half of shitty, restless sleep..I can run off that, mm'suppose. I've done worse.

Edit; Sorry, four people. But on top of that I'm worrying about everyone so meh.

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2011.....ng-with-stars/

How do I put this...?

When you finally decide to come out and you've decided what you want to be called pronoun-wise and what gender you identify with and all that stuff and you ask people to refer to you as such, or in Chaz Bono's case, ask the fucking world to refer to you as that, okay, a few mistakes are to be expected. But on purpose? And not only that, but to make it sound like you're mocking him by calling him a man for one fucking sentence of an article so incredibly full of so much hate, and going right back to calling him a woman? To someone that has done something like that, to change their entire life to try and be happy with who they are, doing that...Referring to them like that, and mocking them for that, and by opening with, "Chaz Bono, the “transsexual” woman who underwent plastic surgery and takes male hormones in an effort to appear to be a man, and who asserts she is a man," and just...being so condescending and terrible. That is SO offensive, and so horrible.
I personally don't know how far I'm going to go with my own shit, and if I'll ever get surgery, or take T, But if I were ever to decide to change my preferred name and ask to be called by male pronouns, I expect slip ups and wouldn't be bothered by them, they're honest mistakes. But for someone to go OUT OF THEIR WAY to call me a woman still, to so blatantly disrespect who I chose to be - no, not chose. If someone went out of their way to so blatantly disrespect who I am, I would be so, SO fucking pissed.
And that is my rage on Keith Ablow's use of pronouns ALONE.

To compare the hormones and surgeries transgender people take to cutting off your arms, or getting a tail, to call it delusional to want to do this, to "prefer that they try every available medication to impact mood, thought and perception before going under the knife," and that gender dysphoria always has to be rooted in deeper problems that need to be fixed, to say such things about transgender people and the things they think, feel, and go through every day.
That's fucking ridiculous.
Transgender is not a "psychologically destructive myth", it won't impress upon your children and ruin their lives, people that support transgenders are not "happy-go-lucky villagers applauding the tragic parade." He says he would have treated Chaz with dignity had he asked for his aid (actually, Ablow said "she"), but how could you say that when every word you have written is soaked in condescension, ignorance, disgust, hate, and pity?

I am pissed. This is not fucking right.
Keith Ablow went out of his way to not only blatantly disrespect and some might even say libel towards Chaz Bono with this article, but the entire transgender community, and all of its supporters.

If you agree with me at all, spread this around, send angry letters to Fox, demanding that this be removed, or that Keith Ablow no longer be a part of their team.
I don't want to hear shit about how it won't change anything or he has a right to say this, I know very well it probably won't make any difference, especially considering that Fox is how they are. I know Ablow has a right to his opinion, and although I disagree with it, that doesn't mean it shouldn't be published, but this is a slap in the face to me, to transgenders everywhere, and to Chaz Bono. This is something you just don't say about someone when you understand nothing about what is going on through someone's mind, or the mind of children.

No, I'm not happy. Not in the slightest.

I originally watched the whole thing, but honestly, the part that gets me is 10:05 and on.

Happy birthday, darlin'.

I hope you have a better day than I could ever give you.

It's nice knowing no one takes me seriously half the time.
Without even realizing it, people are saying things to me that not only hurt, but go real deep. Is it so hard to believe that one of the few times I say something, I actually fucking mean it?
Why does it have to be brushed off as typical feelings or joking around? Why can't I say I'd rather be a man, and it be something I say more than once, and I fucking bind, and am BUYING A BINDER so I don't have to use an Ace bandage anymore and the people I say it to take it with more than a grain of salt?

I want to fucking be a man. I WANT TO BE A MAN.
The main thing holding me back is I don't want bottom surgery because you don't end up with a working penis. That's it. Beyond that? I'm seriously considering top surgery. I've started binding more often, although it's apparently gone largely unnoticed. I've considered getting the majority of my hair cut off and having people start calling me by another name.
I'm not comfortable with myself. And I have a lot of shit I still have to work out with myself having to do with all this gender stuff, so I'm sorry if I don't act like I'm serious when I say I'd rather be a man. Should I be parading it around that I don't feel like a girl? That I don't like being one, that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin?
I don't constantly bring it up and talk about it because I don't want it defining me. I don't even fully know myself yet what I may or may not do with my body in the future. I don't know what I'm going to decide to do or how far I'm going to go. Someday I may even change my mind about bottom surgery. Or I may just get this binder and having that to wear sometimes may be enough.

I love how this fucking upsets people so much, and because they find out someone they were apparently in love with isn't happy with who they are they decide they no longer even want to be friends. I love how I can say I'm getting a chest binder and people don't realize that maybe there might be more to it than a fucking chest binder, and I'm not fucking kidding around or joking when I say I want to be a man and no I don't have a fucking mental illness and maybe I AM fucking considering surgery.

No one ever asks me questions before they decide to flip out on me or before they say something. God fucking damn it, people, I realize I don't fucking talk much, and that I pretty much never talk about what I'm thinking or feeling. I try to take the time to be sure I know what's going on before I say I understand something. Why do none of you?


/endrant
I'm sorry, just...Too much at once, yet again.

You would think I'd have realized by now that I need to watch which thoughts I let out of my head, in typing or speech.
If I've been pissing people off when I am being careful, what the hell makes me think I won't when I don't give enough of a shit to be careful about what I'm saying? Particularly when it's something I might later realize I didn't actually mean...sigh.

Read the fucking schedule wrong. Didn't see my name right away so for some reason my brain decided to pick the thing that was closest to my last name. Apparently making a mistake on a schedule that it was my first time reading warrants my mom getting flaming pissed at me...I don't really see why, but whatever I guess.

Maybe I should just never do anything at all except work. And then work some more. Seeing how no matter what I do I can't seem to go without pissing someone off and everyone else either I just don't want to see or they inadvertently depress me somehow..Not their fault by any means. I'm just interpreting and perceiving every action and word as something it's not, for some reason...

Sigh...although work may decide for me that I lose the social life.

After I thought I'd worked out the horror that was me somehow forgetting about two separate people and having three prospects for plans, I saw I worked through all the possibilities...and it's a seven hour shift...And the majority of these are ending up long shifts pretty fast. I'm not used to full time work..
Might have gotten in over my head...I can do it, I'm just going to be so tired...and I already feel exhausted all the time. Fun shit, I guess.

Just finished writing a ridiculously long journal that may have explained how I've been feeling lately and gotten everything out there. But. Anyone that cares enough to know about it has either already personally asked me or they'll ask at some point.
Writing it didn't make me feel any better like I'd hoped. So...fuck it. I'll keep feeling however the fuck I'm feeling and hope it goes away.

Full-time job get. 8D

GOD DAMN IT WHY DID I CATCH UP
now I have to wait for updates in Homestuck like everyone else ;=;

welp time to draw gamzee in charcoal i guess

ips y u do this ;=;

http://www.dailydischord.com/innerp.....call-it-a-day/

...you can't just take it back.
I don't care how young you are, what the circumstances of the relationship are, nothing. Maybe you weren't in a good state of mind, maybe you got carried away, I don't know, I don't care.

I can only fathom how much it must hurt to be told by the person you care about more than anyone in the world, the one that said they loved you, that they wanted to spend their life with you, that they want to get married and have kids, that swears they will never leave you...To be told by that person that they never loved you at all?

If you don't love them anymore, fine. Maybe you later find out that it wasn't actually love. Something. Fine, whatever.

But you can't say you never felt anything for them in the first place.

Regardless of the circumstances of the present, what you felt was something, and it was real, and you can't just take it back.
You can't.

I've decided I want to have a late grad party.
Because I want a reason to put spaghetti in buckets.

If any of you are interested in the where/when/etc, comment or send me a note and I'll let you know.
I'm sorry to say some of my significantly older furry friends will not be able to attend, however. =/ Unless you want to come up with some story explaining how you're related to someone else that is there or some such.

But..mmyes.
That grad party thing.
I also just figure maybe I won't hate it as much as I think I might..Maybe.

Life as of late...Has been exciting, for lack of a better word. Not necessarily in a good way, though...

Since my last journal, the feeling has gotten worse. But it eventually stopped getting worse and is now at a stable level of distaste, so...I guess that's a good thing? I can't really decide. I've found myself extremely frustrated with a select few people, but am not sure it's just me when it comes to them. For the most part, I kinda just wanna be left alone. The most part. I enjoy just going with the flow and tagging along with a particular friend, and hope to continue doing so for so long as they can put up with me. I hope I haven't already hit their threshold...x_x It's calming to be around them, and I've noticed my problems bother me less and it's easier to deal with things when they're around. Which frankly, at this point, is really nice.
I'm pretty much just...worn out. Between feeling depressed or pissed lately, I feel like soon I'm going to get to that point where I just don't give a shit for awhile. Part of me is looking forward to it. Heh..

Earlier this week, I kinda had a bit of a scare...I ran in my apartment to grab a few things before heading out somewhere and found my mom in a questionable state...Among other things, she told me it was quite possible she might lose her job. The unfortunate thing is she is the only source of income and if she loses her job, my family is kinda screwed. Thankfully, although it took a week of her and her boss going back and forth with each other, she's still employed and the next month or two are going to be tighter than usual, but we should be alright.

As for myself, I had a job interview earlier today, for McDonald's (better to have a shitty job than to not have a job), and was told by my interviewer after a bland, boring interview with questions read straight from a piece of paper that he was going to recommend me to the lovely lady that does the hiring (and that his recommendation usually gets people the job) and that I would be receiving a call tomorrow informing me when orientation is. I'll know for sure then, but here's hoping his recommendation does indeed get me the job. If I do get it, I should also be getting 40 hours a week. Full time! The amount of time I'd be spending in a sub-par fast food restaurant makes me cringe, but then I think about how much I'll get in return for that time and it doesn't seem so bad anymore. I need a car more than I even want to be picky.

Currently, I'm pondering my future, dodging someone's advances, and wishing I was elsewhere. My place really is unexciting and boring. I'll probably head out for a walk soon, and - ...and I had to stop there because our hot water heater started leaking. And my mom is now a ball of crazy...not too far from usual. Well, let's revise that. I'll probably start drawing soon, sketching, and start thinking about people in general, my current standing with some of them, and which of those standings I would like to change...And how exactly I would like to change them, whether it means taking a step back, or trying to take a step forward.
...Because whatever I'm doing now isn't really working for me.

I have it.
I don't know why.

The past couple of weeks, I have been moody and emotional and for some reason everyone (with one exception) has been bothering me and pissing me off, even though they may have done absolutely nothing wrong. I hate being like this, and it happens from time to time with me, and I usually just ignore it until it goes away or just hang out and chill by myself for awhile and I'm fine, but...it's not going away, it's getting worse.
I'm sitting on my bed right now and I'm just extremely pissed off, and in so much pain, and I have no reason for either of them, but. I am.

I find that some of the time, I'm okay, and the rest of the time, I'm lost in my thoughts, annoyed, depressed to the point I get sick to my stomach, ready to cry at the drop of the hat...I'm not the kind of person that cries, really. My appetite has been in and out, and I can't sleep for shit half the time.

I feel guilty for being like this, too.
When someone is happy, I feel like a buzzkill, even if I didn't even do or say anything to be one. When someone is upset, I can't help them feel better like I want to, because right now I can barely take care of myself, apparently.

I have some friends coming over in a bit, and hopefully I don't explode on them for no reason...I'll probably just kinda do my own thing. There is only one person I want to see and hang out with today, but unfortunately it's pretty unlikely that they'll stop by..shit, I hope they do.

I just want this to go away...
I'm so sick of being in pain....physical or otherwise.

I am quite proud of myself, not gonna lie.

Best panel EVER. <3

I have decided that Darien needs upgrades.
Darien will have upgrades, one way or another.

Time to start drawing and see if I should bother trying to pull off doing commissions.

also I hate (almost) everything but that is irrelevant to this journal


Edit: Mangwoos are pretty boss. -slips on shades-
Edit2: 1/15