Well then, it's been a while, eh?

As innocuous as that is to say, quite a bit has happened since then. However, the past doesn't matter, and what does is how I'm doing at the moment. To keep things somewhat brief, my job is still going well and I've established myself as a worthy and vital asset to my team. I've also trained several new arrivals to the company. Just recently I also decided to finally give myself the PC upgrade I've been craving for years, and by the gods, it was worth every cent. That said, I'm still in the process of migrating certain things, mainly with DAZ, but I have the core programs and security setup. I'll admit that it's now difficult for me to go back to my gaming consoles, but I know the mood will strike me eventually. I'm a console gamer at heart, after all.

Overall, things are good, and I'm holding true to the gratitude for everything I have each day.

What's next? Well, I'd like to render more, but my creative drive has been focused on other things. I have some commissions I've yet to upload, but we'll see if they're worthy of sharing. Even so, things are good, and I'm grateful to all of those who've helped me reach this point. I pray that others find the same fortune and safety.


Stay gold, everyone!

JC

Another year upon this earth, and another beginning. It’s said that each turn of time’s wheel brings new hope and wisdom, and I believe this is true.

For today, on my birthday, I have to remember that there is plenty to be thankful for, and everything to cherish. Besides, I get to have cake. The diet can wait.


Stay gold!

Justin

I never thought that I would identify so intimately with a character from a film released in 1946. *It’s a Wonderful Life*, specifically. The story of a man who comes to resent the setbacks in his life so much that he wishes he was never born, and attempts to kill himself. I’ve never discussed at length that I’ve had my own thoughts about suicide in the past, but never followed them. They’ve always smoldered in the depths of my mind, burning hot when certain things happened to make me wish I never lived. While others around me found their own successes, I, much like the film’s main character, George Bailey, looked at my own life with doubt. Suffice it to say, that the events of the film greatly resonated with my own experiences, and gave me pause.

This reached a peak during the film’s climax when George attempts suicide by jumping off a bridge, but is stopped by his guardian angel, Clarence. Fervently wishing that nothing ever came to pass, he soon witnesses how horrible things would have been if he never existed. The people he loved and cherished, whose lives he had touch in positive ways, all would be reduced to darkness. He begs to God for forgiveness.

“Let me live again. Please, God. Let me live again.”

When he returns, seeing things as they once were, he runs manic with joy through Bedford Falls, overwhelmed by his glee. He soon realizes that everyone in town was ready to help him with his debt, thereby saving his family and business. As the film closed, Clarence’s final words to George struck my heart as strongly as a hammer.

“No man is a failure who has friends.”

I cried. I cried harder than I have in a long time, because I too lost sight of my own life, and all its blessings. I will not forsake that, nor the people I love. I won’t.

To all those who struggle with doubt, and those dear to me. Life is worth living. In spite of its obstacles. The world will be lesser without you.

Walk always beneath the light of the moon, and be safe and joyous this holiday and all days to come.

JC

27 is an odd number, though whether it’s a malign portent or not, I can’t say.

Another solar cycle, and so much has changed in my life for the better. I can only hope it’s a path that trails ever upwards and over the horizon.

Stay gold, dudes and dudettes!

It has come, a time to be at peace, a time to feel something I haven't felt in a while. Hope.

As of today, I'm an employee at a large tech company near where I live, one that I've been acquainted with from meeting them at school. It might not be my dream job, but for now, it's the best stepping stone I could hope for. The culture is very relaxed and welcoming, and the people there are just as friendly. Time will tell if I can handle the work, but like I said, for now, it's more than enough to keep me sustained.

This doesn't mean that I've given up my search for a job in game development, not at all. I know deep down that this job isn't forever, but it will keep me fed and secure for the time being. Also, I've gotten a new car, one that's leagues ahead of my old one. The fact that it's a hybrid car just sweetens my guilt-ridden conscience all the more. Between that, getting hired out of school, gaining healthcare and additional benefits, it all strangely fell into place in such a short time.

And yet, no matter how awesome it seems, I need to remember that my goals lie far ahead, and that I won't abandon them while I still draw breath. Regardless of the portents, or the misgivings I might have that have very little purchase, I need to see the truth before me. This job will give me more than enough to bank on in the coming months, and will be valuable in my quest for a gaming job.



I will not stop. I will not falter. I will press on, until the light of the future greets me.

Within the sleeping forests, amid the swaying boughs and cricketsong, the blade was still. Its edge gleamed in the splinters of moonlight that spilled from the treetops, the handiwork of an artisan long lost to history. It still seemed, however, that even the caress of the wind frayed along its silver cutting length.

He reached out, fingers grasping the woven handle. In that moment, his spirit entwined with that of the weapon, a bond that transcended words and even thought. It became truth against lies, hope against doubt. He pulled, the blade keening as it was swung out of the ground. He slashed again, trailing moonlight with each measured cut. The dance continued, sundering the air around him, yet he was silent. He turned, flourishing his blade before standing upright and, with calm poise, returned it to the scabbard. His breathing quickened, but he soon found ease as he looked to the sky. A perfect crescent moon greeted him, the visage of night, calm, and dreams. His robes and hakama fluttered in the wind as he closed his eyes, bowing his head.

"Come what may of the whispering storm, for thine soul is adamant and unrelenting. Find hope where there is doubt, seek strength where there is weakness. Know courage when there is fear, for nothing impedes an animus borne of a dream long chased." He intoned, opening his eyes. He took in the sounds around him, the sounds of life and motion. The world was always moving, time always went ever forward, yet he himself was still. He looked to his blade, holding it in reverence.

"I will not falter, not when my life is there before me."




Over the past few days, I've realized I've been hurting myself with all my overthinking and constant negative emotions, when I'm losing sight of the things that should give me hope. Even on my birthday, my first instinct is to doubt, but it shouldn't be that way. It's another year to my name, another sign that I'm moving forward, that I've lived to see another cycle with clear eyes and a hopeful heart. Yes, I doubt myself all the time, but I should more often realize what I've created, and the people that are proud of my accomplishments are more important than the ones who don't care or that I've offended in the past.

I need to move forward, which is why I'm heading to a game developer job fair in another state today. Perhaps it's one of the gifts to myself that I'm taking this opportunity. I pray that I'm shown fortune.


Until then, I'll see you starside.


JC

Heyo,lads and lasses. It's been a while since I've posted anything or so much as breathed a word around here. So forgive my silence, but I'll be brief.

The good news is that I graduated with very high marks from my second university term, and have learned a lot from being there. One day I might return and continue to a higher degree, but for now I'm trying to consolidate my assets and look forward. I've also left the job that's been irritating me for the past couple of years, but it was on good terms, and I don't necessarily look back on it entirely in a resentful way. But that's the past.

What's important now is that I'm looking forward with a sense of hope, albeit one tempered by a waning sense of confidence in what I've done. That being said, what I have created has served to bolster my 'image' as a budding game developer and designer, and I'm in a place where I'm proud to show off what I've completed during school and otherwise. I've never been in a better spot to do that before, which still leaves me with renewed hope.

The bad news is that my job searching so far has come up short, and it's starting to test my patience. But I've learned thus far that nothing changes overnight, nor can one's life be altered in such a short span. I still have many years ahead of me to figure out where I fit in, or what I'm meant for. I guess I'm too eager to see what the future brings, for better or worse. I just want to know that I'm making the right choices.


So...with all that being said, I'm not sure if I'll share DAZ renders any time soon, but perhaps as I work more on game related assets, you'll see that in my gallery, along with concept art, renders, etc. I'm not stopping my sexy work, mind you, I'm just trying to focus more on other things for the moment.


Until then, I'll see you starside.

JC

Before you all start snickering at the title, which wouldn’t be unnecessary, what do you think of the merits of trying to find love when you can? I don’t mean soliciting it in an unsavory way, I mean finding a loving relationship that will last. I’m personally getting tired of this biological need, this instinct to find not just physical gratification, but to just be with someone. To be close to someone in an intimate way. I’ve tried for years to suppress the need, but there are times when it manifests in ways I can’t predict, like in dreams. It’s all just a tease, and I’m tired of it. So much else is keeping me busy these days, and finding a girlfriend should be at the very bottom of my priorities. Yet the jealousy is sometimes just enough to sting me to my core.

Still, do you believe it’s worth pursuing? If you’re already in a relationship, what are the downsides of tying your life utterly to someone else? What are the benefits?

I usually make it a point to do something special, or in this case, green, on Earth Day; that being the annual day for ecological rejuvenation, environmental awareness, and celebration of the beauty of our planet. One day, just one, to do something that should be done every day.

What was I doing? Inside doing homework because it was raining and I had the day off. I feel like I’ve disappointed the planet, something I care about deeply. Yet I was shackled by other responsibilities, and couldn’t really do much else to acknowledge the day beyond lip service. It came, then it left, and I feel all the worse for not acting.

Why not an Earth Week? Earth Month even? I don’t think one day is enough.

So, in light of the recent poll, of sorts, I’m going to make three renders to highlight the beauty of those specific assets, but they’ll be more detailed than the usual fare. It’ll be a nice challenge. The first will be focused on the booty, with the others following.

As for everything else, I’ve been given a great job offer in light of my actions at school that’ll hopefully set me on a more fruitful path. We’ll see how the interview goes!

Until next time...

JC

Which will it be? Elaborate on your reasons.

I know a few of my followers are artists themselves, or may know some artists that are currently open for commissions, so I’m just asking in general. I’m in the market for some artwork about my new girl, Linne, seen here : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/30393780/

Anyone interested in a commission? :)

So, I didn't end up going to the Game Jam, for a number of reasons. But chief among them is that I wanted to catch up on schoolwork, and to take some time to chill and work on personal projects. Regardless of what happens, I feel like I'll be prepared for whatever comes. One door closes, another opens.

At least I hope so. But anyhow, thanks for offering advice. I don't know if I've made the best decision, but I can't say which one was right. I was urged by professors and others to try it, but I was too fixated on the outstanding work that remained for my classes. If I don't do them, than I don't pass. I'm not entirely at ease, if I'm being honest, I was too anxious about it either way. I needed time to breathe.


Was I too hasty with my decision? Is this the first step of my downfall?

So, I’m faced with an interesting decision. My college is hosting a Game Jam, which is essentially a game making event where you’re paired up with random people and you then have 48 hours to develop a fully functional game to show at the end. Good for my resume, terrible for my sanity.

I’m wracking my brain over this, because I’m not sure if it’s worth it.

Thoughts?

I know there comes a time in every man's life where he must accept that there's no such thing as a crimson robed specter who flies about the sky every mid-winter night, his form perched upon a large sled borne aloft by eldritch sorceries and witchcraft, and carried by thrice mystified mammals all tethered together as some parody of a chariot. Every man must accept that this specter cannot, in good time and faith, successfully traverse the globe in the span of a moonrise to deliver parcels of dubious origin to every child who prays, willingly or not, for his arrival. Every man must accept that this cycle of cursed flight and deliverance does not happen every winter, and that it is all merely a fairy tale.

Now I for one know that no such unseen crimson specter exists to do all of that, because it is Santa who does all of that already! We need no other!



Still, have a wonderful holiday, dudes and dudettes. Be safe, merry, and warm with those you love.


Just save me some eggnog. Pretty please?



<3 JC

For those who aren't aware,  hayakain 's father recently passed away, and he's going through a very rough time. He's currently running a donation drive for the sake of paying for funeral expenses, and he appreciates any help that can be given.


If you want to help, look here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8963752/


Send him all the love and support you can, even if you can't donate.

On this day, seven years ago, we ventured into the frozen land of Skyrim; a place where the cold bites as hard as a sabrecat, the dead walk amongst their crypts, and warm fires give respite to sagas told both old and new. Most of all however, it was where the fates of Tamriel shifted, and legends were forged.

When misrule takes its place at the eight corners of the world

When the Brass Tower walks and Time is reshaped

When the thrice-blessed fail and the Red Tower trembles

When the Dragonborn Ruler loses his throne, and the White Tower falls

When the Snow Tower lies sundered, kingless, bleeding

The World-Eater wakes, and the Wheel turns upon the Last Dragonborn.


This game reignited my passion for writing, and made me realize the beauty of a fully designed and richly detailed fantasy world, but also the integral value of a having a compelling mythos and story to give it a backbone. I came for the thrill of exploration and freedom of play, but I stayed for the story. I can only hope going forward that Bethesda will maintain that.

Until then, safe travels to all of you, and thanks to you, Skyrim, for the wonderful times.


Also, if you played the game, what's your favorite shout? Mine's a toss up between Slow Time, Frost Breath, and Kyne's Peace.

"Hey Patrick..."

"Yeah Spongebob?"

"You know what's funnier than 24?"

"What?"

"....25...."


*snicker snicker.*





Stay gold guys, I feel older now...kinda. I'm halfway to 50 as of yesterday, and perhaps I should look to the future with my head high? Perhaps.

Anyhow, I'm still coming off a cold. Kinda unfitting for a birthday, no?



Until next time...

There's always a time to move on, no matter what happened before.

I just thought I'd take a moment to reflect on all that's happened, and the things that are coming up for me. In short, I've realized that I should be focusing my attention on the more important things rather than wasting time lamenting the past.

So, for the benefit of myself, and if he may still be listening, I don't hate you, dude. I don't consider you an enemy, but rather a friend. However, if you've decided to move on, just know that I bear no resentment of that. My only regret now is that I'll no longer be able to work with you on commissions, or just to talk like we used to. If you feel that we're best apart, I understand. I still acknowledge that I made a grave mistake, and will carry that with me, but I've also forgave what happened. We're only human, and I still have plenty of room to learn and evolve as do we all.

If this is the end, dude, I wish you only the best in all your endeavors; whether its writing, relationships, anything. I only hope that one day you'll have the strength to talk with me again. Even so, I'm glad that I met you when I did, and that I knew you well for a time. So thank you.


As for everything else, I need to also use this time to thank those who've helped me through any time I've had trouble, or pondered the worst. Definitely check out their pages if you're interested in their work.


 linapilchard Your support has literally left me stunned emotionally. You came at a time when I thought about taking my life, and you've stuck around even now. You're amazing, and just know that I'll do my best to improve myself as you've taught. For you all, definitely check out her work; she's a voice actress and fursuiter, and she does wonderful work along with her husband. They need all the support and love you can offer!

 bad-91 I can't say anything more than I love you, dude. You're like a brother to me, and I truly think that the fates aligned to bring us together so we could help each other reach our dreams. Thank you for all your support. You rock, bud. Ka Rana Kis!

 lei-lani I doubt I could say more about the famous tahitian otter than what's already been said. Even in spite of everything, you still find the time to leave a thoughtful comment or helpful advice when it's needed most. The more I've watched you, the more I've realized that despite your fame, you're also kind, hospitable, and well versed in many matters of the heart. I respect the work you do, and your focus on spreading the love of the fandom to even the most skeptical outsiders is something that always makes me smile. I'm glad I've come to know you as well.

 hayakain It might not have seemed like much, but you lent your aid when things got truly bad, and even though I panicked, you did a favor for me that I won't forget. You rock, bud, and I always enjoy our chats and works we do together. I'll always be a huge fan of your art, and I hope you reach new heights with it!




To all others that weren't privy to specifics of everything that happened, don't worry. Your support is something I'm grateful for. Thank you for taking the time to leave a hug or two.




All that being said, things are going well for now. I'm trying to take steps to improve myself as a person, without and within. I've realized that I've been impatient with too many parts of my life that I've forgotten to just simply live. To enjoy the journey. We'll see where that goes.



Stay gold.


JC

Please, if he has the heart to forgive me. I just want him to know that I screwed up, I'm an asshole, and I deserve every bit of his scorn. I've never felt the way I do right now in my entire life. It's painful, without any exaggeration. I'm in pain.

Please...just give me a chance to redeem myself. Even if I might not deserve it, I beg you for one more chance. On your terms, let me prove myself.

I said awful things, things that I didn't mean. Things that I regret saying. I always valued your friendship, but I was jealous of you, envious of what you had. But in truth, I was too much of a coward to admit that I aspired to you.


If that's not enough to convince myself, I felt my heart wrench when you said goodbye. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life, and it was because you left. I liked you as a friend, and if you didn't matter to me, I wouldn't have felt like something was pulled from my soul.


I feel sick, ashamed, undeserving of you. But I just ask that you come back, just so I can apologize and prove that I'm worth your time.


Please dude, come back. I beg you. I will make this up to you, in any way that you ask. I will endure your punishment, your judgment, because I deserve both.


Hope to hear from you soon.

-JC

Well then, just to give myself a bit of context, and some clarity to the scant few who decide to follow me, (Seriously, there are like soooo many artists out there that deserve your attention.), here's what's happening.

I'm currently in school and working on a tech degree, which hopefully will land me work in game development, whether for writing or design.

Still working at my current job which I detest most days, but things have been improving on that end as well lately.

I've discovered a fresh new outlook in the form of Warhammer gaming, which has honestly brought me out of my rut when it comes to staying confident and content. It's a wonderful hobby, and I wouldn't trade the people I've met through that hobby for anything.


As for other things, the thoughts of leaving the fandom aren't as strong, but at the same time I don't always feel apart of it. More like a passive observer, and furry boobie savant, to be fair. But that said, I've met great friends here too, but I feel like I haven't earned my 'badge' until I've actually gone to a con. I know the big ones, (hurr hurr), Anthrocon, MFF, Megaplex, and the like, but haven't decided on the first one to visit. If I'm going on that kind of trip, which would cost me no small sum, I might as well go big while I have the chance. Still, I've also heard that it's better to not let that be your very first fur con, since it's the biggest and most famous. Either way, I'm trying to figure that out.

It's strange; all the scattered people I know through kinks, shared interests, online and off, I'm connected through this fandom, but also not. Maybe I'm just envious of the more well traveled furs, i.e. the ones who make an effort to visit many cons in a single year and meet artists, friends, etc.

In other words, still on my path and walking, as far as my legs will carry me.

I know it’s to be expected, but it doesn’t make it any less painful to have your writing be left in the dust.

Ah well.

I'm finally on my path to Video Game design. We'll just have to see how this pans out, but I'm hoping that this will lead to a better life for myself. For as much as I hear that the gaming industry is cutthroat and unforgiving, I've wanted to do this since I was a kid. I have to pursue it, even if it feels like a dream.

I'm not giving up. I can't just sit around and hope for a miracle. Even though I'm starting at the ground floor when it comes to the fundamentals of game development, I'm taking the challenge.

Wish me luck!

It seems that whenever I have free time to do something, I'm afraid to pursue anything. It's like my brain just stops whenever I have the inclination to work on something, whether it's personal or otherwise.

It's really infuriating, and it's really getting in the way of what I want to do.

Yet another complaint tossed to the ether.

I can't believe it took me this long, but some time ago, a particular idea stabbed me squarely in the heart, as if it was waiting for the right moment to penetrate the wall of cynicism I've spent building lately.

I'll be brief. Life is not something to waste or throw away. It's the greatest gift we can receive, and the only true treasure anyone will ever have. We all suffer in our own ways, we prosper, we endure tragedy, but that's never a reason to throw away your life on a selfish whim. I've gone through moments where I've thought of just ending it, to just rest forever, but I never realized that the very nonsense and doubt I go through is the very essence of life's challenges, the very things that make you stronger.

For the first time in a long while, I cried. A lot. Without any other provocation, that one simple thought broke me down completely, and made me realize how selfish I was for wanting to kill myself over such trivial things. We all endure our own challenges and face things we'd rather avoid, but that doesn't mean we don't have the strength to push onward. You may wake up every day feeling miserable, not even wanting to leave your bed, but at least you did wake. At least you're alive and can breathe the air of the world you know. It's the only true gift you'll have. Don't ever take it for granted, and use it to better yourself day by day.


Keep being you, and keep getting stronger.

JC