Why I Enjoyed My First Con - Part 3
Or: A Self-administered Psychological Analysis of the Actions and Reactions of an Overly Sensitive Creature Attending His First Furry Convention - Part 3

You know what I find most difficult about writing these journals is finding the right word to summarize everything. Today we will be touching on several subjects of note including anonymity and diversity, but I think we shall call the overall topic acceptance. There was something I noticed while I was at Camp Furry Weekend, which was that everyone loved the fandom for some reason, but nobody quite knew exactly why. Everyone would try to explain why the furry fandom was unique. They all seemed to have a different reason, but there was no singular united theory. I believe, having heard all these reasons, that the furry fandom is different because it is basically a best-case-scenario for the internet. Let's do a quick field test, shall we? Go find a political news article and scroll down to the comments, watch a YouTube video and read what people have to say, or spend some time on a message bored. Anonymity, combined with differing opinions and un-forgiveness, has all but destroyed the internet. The exact opposite happens to be true of the furry fandom. While I was in attendance at FWA, I don't think my real name came up more than twice, and even those two times it wasn't necessary. It, quite frankly, didn't matter. People called me J, and that was fine by me. When I walked in the doors on day one I told myself that I was not going to be the person I was back home. Everything that was bothering me, everything that dragged me down from day to day, everything that I hated about myself, I would leave it all behind. Before your imagination runs rampant with that concept, let me explain. I promised myself that, for just this one weekend, I was going to be someone better. You may think this means I decided to live a lie for a weekend, but the promise I made myself was that I was going to tell the absolute truth about myself no matter what. I was going to stop lying. Stop lying to myself, and to those around me. In the fandom, we all try to be better versions of ourselves weather we realize it or not. We have a level of anonymity that allows us to move past whatever it is that holds us back everywhere else. On the internet that anonymity has been turned into a weapon, but in the fandom it has turned into freedom. I suppose I should stop right here and say that it is hard to fully communicate the difference between using that freedom to pretend to be something we're not and being something we actually are. Am I saying I am actually a dire wolf? Not exactly, and while I understand some people feel varying levels of connection with their character, I'm speaking more along the lines of who we are deep down. A lot of furries are shy, many are in some way damaged, more have been the subject of ridicule, and I think all of us are looking for something. But when we all come together, something beautiful happens. We lift each other up. We have each other's backs. Wounds heal, and we become stronger. We know that we are free to be ourselves, whoever that may be. We don't get hung up on the things that other people like to harp on. Race, religion, political views, social status, money (yea, remember that?), or tails, none of it matters. There is such wonderful symphony of diversity in the furry fandom. I would go so far as to say that that is what draws in the furry-adjacents. It becomes a pleasant atmosphere where people accept you for who you are. This public acceptance leads to what I think is one of the best things about the furry fandom; self acceptance. Like it or not, we do put stock in what others think about us, even if it's just a little bit. If people think poorly of us, it will eventually take it's toll. However, when we are surrounded by people who like us for who we are and don't try to change us, then little by little, through the acceptance of those around us, we begin to accept ourselves. Eventually we become more and more comfortable with who we are, we become more comfortable in our own fur. Thank you for reading along, and be sure to share your thoughts below!

Sincerely,
J

Why I Enjoyed My First Con - Part 2
Or: A Self-administered Psychological Analysis of the Actions and Reactions of an Overly Sensitive Creature Attending His First Furry Convention - Part 2

I'll be honest, this next entry has taken a bit longer than it should have. I have actually been done with it for a few days now, but I realized that this topic deserved a bit more attention than I had given it. So, I decided to start over. Now, let's talk about something that we shall call, for lack of a better word, sincerity. Have you ever heard the saying "out of sight out of mind?" It takes a considerable amount of effort to think about that which we cannot directly see. Do you live in a city? How many people live in that same city? Try to picture it. Each and every one of those people are a unique and special individuals. The protagonist of their very own story. Then consider the cities around yours. Then remember you live in one of 196 countries on earth. 7.4 billion people in all, each with a similar desire. We all want to matter to someone else. Consider the people in your life that you love to be around. Odds are that they tend to make you feel special in some way. This was one pattern of behavior that stood out to me at FWA. I recall a moment,standing there in a circle of people talking, and these people were listening. This threw me off slightly. I have spent most of my life around people who don't actually pay attention to what you are saying if it isn't interesting to them. Their minds are constantly working, thinking about how and when they can steer the conversation towards their preferred topic. Well what's wrong with that? Isn't this journal about sincerity? Isn't listening the whole point of what I'm saying? Yes it is, but allow me to explain. I've been told that I am a great listener, I just think I'm quiet but whatever, the point is that it became clear at FWA that even I had something to say. Now, all of the sudden, people are listening. They are paying attention, and they remember my name. As the con progressed I met new people, talked with them, said goodbye, and ran into them again and again. They remembered my name and what I had talked about. At this point I was completely floored. You see, relationships that last are built on a few important things. Trust is the biggest one, but if you don't have a genuine interest in someone, it will eventually show. This damages us, even if we don't realize it. Subconsciously, we pick up on subtle things like body language, word usage, and facial expressions. We can tell when people don't care, and we can tell when they do. Conversation is a balance of give and take. The problem arises when the give isn't there, so we are forced to take (or in my case just give up and shut up). But FWA broke the pattern. Long ago, I met someone who completely changed my view of people. This person made me feel special, they are the reason my name is J. Everyday I try to be like this person. I try to make someone feel special. I try to genuinely care about someone. Before FWA, I thought I was the only one who did this. In the span of one weekend I had experienced more genuine and sincere interest in my story than I had in a few years anywhere else, and it's all because of You. In the furry fandom everyone is special. We all have something to offer, something to share, and a story to tell. That has value in your eyes, thereby making the furry fandom a place where everyone feels at home (more on this in the next journal *wink*). I had been heavily debating weather or not to include this next bit, but I pride myself on my honesty and transparency, so here we go. About halfway through FWA someone said something. They weren't trying to be mean, and there are no hard feelings, I'm just overly sensitive. Still, it got to me. The worst thing for me at that point was to be alone, so I found a chair on an empty balcony and did exactly that. While I was sitting there I started thinking about the weekend thus far (very very dangerous, last time I got to thinking I just about took over the world). The only thing I regret about that whole weekend was that, at that moment, I began to question the sincerity of those I had met, even though they had nothing to do with this one person or their comment. I decided, being the incredibly smart idiot that I am, to conduct a little test. I'd construct simple emotional wall, like all the ones I had left at home. If these people truly cared, even a little bit, then they would have not trouble getting through. For the rest of that day no one managed to pass my test. As I began to head home, I got a hug from a fursuiter and wondered if I would come back tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure why I did, but the next day I walked in the front doors of the Marriott Marquis. An hour later, a few furs came through that wall with a battering ram and full SWAT gear. All this is to say, we don't have to be selfless all the time. We are all inherently selfish creatures, there is no changing that. I will be the first to point the finger at myself as an example. I can be extremely self-centered if I don't put forth a conscious effort to care about the people that matter to me. But if we spend even 1% of our day focused on someone else we can easily quench the raging desire of everyone we meet. The desire to matter. Thank you again for reading through this entry. It was a fair bit longer than I was expecting, but I would love to hear what you have to say on my observations below.

Sincerely,
J

Why I Enjoyed My First Con - Part 1
Or: A Self-administered Psychological Analysis of the Actions and Reactions of an Overly Sensitive Creature Attending His First Furry Convention - Part 1

So, Let's start of with one of the biggest. Money. I hate to say it, but we are all products of our environments. As Andrew Ryan said in the original Bioshock trailer "We all make choices, but in the end... our choices make us." The people we meet, the events we encounter, the media we consume, and then thoughts we have, are forever forging us into unique individuals. For most of my life, each of these things have be pointing me toward one common conclusion. The conclusion that the only thing that mattered in life was money. Want friends? Money. Want to get rid of stress? Money. Want to help people? Money. Want to have a nice car? Money. Want to change the world? Money. The list goes on forever. It seemed like no matter what I wanted out of life, money was the answer, and, I regret this next part so much, I actually believed it. You see, I knew in the back of my mind that none of what I just said was true, but knowing something factually and experiencing it for yourself are two very different things. My experience up until this point had shown me that money did, in fact, truly matter. I finally got to experience the true nature of money at FWA. You see, I had spent most of my life earning this fragile paper that everyone loved so much, but when I arrived at the hotel on March 31st, 2016 at 3:20 PM, an amazing thought occurred to me. I'm staying at a nearby hotel, but not at my house. Was it a 1,000 square foot trailer, or a 7,000 square foot mansion? It didn't matter. What car did I drive here? Was it a Dodge Charger, or a Ferrari 458 Spider? That didn't matter either. The car stayed with the valet, and so did the key. Suddenly, everything I had spent my life acquiring was gone. It had all been stripped away. I was standing in a hotel, about to register for a convention that no one I knew could have ever predicted I had been wanting to attend, with none of the things I had been told all my life that I needed, and no expectations. The only indication was the small pony on my shirt which wasn't really indicative of anything. What was I going to do? What would people think? The answer was astonishing. All my life, I had never been in a place where who I was, my personality, my stories, my insight, and my ability to listen, mattered more than what I had. I met many people and made new friends, yet nobody ever asked if I was loaded. No one ever dropped those not-so-subtle hints that I should be shelling out, or that I somehow owe them. Not that I expected anyone at FWA to do these things. Like I said before, I went in with no expectations, but now I see more clearly than ever the true value of money. Make no mistake, I've known money's true worth for quite some time, I was born with nothing so I can appreciate the difference money can make in people's lives, but now I have perspective. I've spent far to long in the shallow end of the population pool, and I fear that it had damaged me significantly, but, thankfully, not beyond repair. Money has it's place in all our lives. We should all be responsible stewards of everything we are given and everything we earn, but we shouldn't believe, even for a moment, that money matters more than people. It is easy to forget that when we are surrounded individuals that value us by how much we can help them. We should accumulate enough for ourselves, not for everyone else. Something that can be left at the door and forgotten, isn't as necessary as we think it is. Incidentally, I decided to leave the car at my hotel, ride the train (cuz trains are fun :P), and walk to the Marriott for the rest of my weekend because of that first day. Thank you, dear reader, for spending your time on something I've created. Feel free to let me know what you think below!

Sincerely,
J

Why I Enjoyed My First Con - Preface
Or: A Self-administered Psychological Analysis of the Actions and Reactions of an Overly Sensitive Creature Attending His First Furry Convention - Preface

Two weeks ago I was standing inside the Marriott Marquis in Atlanta Georgia, attending Camp Furry Weekend 2016, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Over the past two weeks I have been taking a careful look at why I had so much fun. What was it about FWA that made me so happy? How was it different from my home life, and what can I learn from my time in Atlanta to improve my circumstances? What is it about the Furry Fandom that has the likes of me, people from every walk of life, and even trolls and haters looking forward to next year? Why am I smiling right now? I decided to think long and hard about it, and, since I am an absolute pro at self-reflection, I've identified four things that stand out. I will be touching on each of these items in this four-part (five if you count the preface) series. Some of these items won't matter to everyone, some of them might not even make sense to others, a few people may say I've left something out, but understand that these are just a few of the many reasons that I, as in me, had fun at Camp Furry Weekend. I am grateful to you, dear reader, for joining me on this textual adventure. I'm glad someone found my thoughts interesting, and I would love to hear what you have to say about my observations.

Sincerely,
J