Just signing in to remove some submissions about people I don't really want to be affiliated with any longer, and I see that I have several new watchers.

Just so you know, my new account is https://www.furaffinity.net/user/su.....ookshelf900213 and I will not upload anything more on this account.

Peace!
~J. Sycamore.

So far, nobody has commented to argue with me in my tyrades. In all honesty, I would rather get no attention than critical attention over this. I still hold different opinions from the majority of the fandom, and I still don't like a lot of what I went through, but the difference now is that I realize I had my meditation strategy backwards. It's not taking the emotion out of the bad memory that heals, it's taking the memory off the emotion. I know, it sounds literally impossible. I haven't forgotten all the slights, the snide remarks, the snootiness and snobbery. But whenever they resurface, I need to look at the feeling rather than the thing that inspired it. I need to look at it from a neurochemical standpoint.

I don't regret having confronted anyone; I was acting in deliberation. I hold to the view that a real adult knows how to appropriately confront somebody. A real adult can admit to his or her limitations. And a real adult practices leaving dead relationships behind. I have more principles, but I have work to do, particularly on the new account I shall be moving to.

I'm moving to  supersycamorebookshelf900213. There, I will post the promised projects I've been putting off. In reflection, doing fetish art doesn't bother me that much. I don't mind this being a mostly commercial deal. I have spoken with my parents about some personal things that have been bothering me, and they've actually taken it well.

But enough talk. I need to get to work.

I've been feeling extremely sad and lonely lately, as evident from my previous journal entries. And exploring the online fandom is making it all worse. I'm extremely disappointed with my experiences. No matter who I talk to, the lousy interactions I had over telegram and discord keep cropping up. There may be a greater number of nice furs I've met, but none of them live nearby. I need to feel loved by someone who I know face to face, and I don't feel that way. At best, I feel tolerated. Even the people who are nice to me seem to have crappy tastes in friends. I can't handle this. I need to move to a place where I feel belonging, and I just don't get that with the furry fandom.

At the moment, I can't trust my own perception. You see... I've been putting off admitting this because I didn't want to be scrutinized, but I have Asperger's syndrome. And I've been told indirectly that if something upsets me, it's because I don't empathize with people well enough. That every experience I have wherein I feel slighted should be called into question because I have a mental disorder that only makes it seem like I'm being mistreated.

I've said before I know what things I've done wrong in the past. And that does not seem to matter to anyone I'm at odds with. Far too many people take the attitude, "Well, I can't be in the wrong. My way of dealing with the world worked until I met you. You must be the one in the wrong." I have set boundaries against this. I have walked away from people who treat me this way. Why am I still angry about it?

I don't know. I get the sense that part of this is that there are things I'm not allowed to express. There are feelings I'm not allowed to have. I mean, I am emphatic about this: People were upset when I left and gave the bare minimum farewell. To these same people, it did not matter that I tried to join their conversation and they blew me off. I know I could have handled it better. But some of this was their fault. After I wrote my closure letters, my counsellor said that only one person had a particularly dismissive reaction ("yeah, yeah *rolls eyes - so long as I never see you again" or something of the sort). Even if they did respond "respectfully," I have no reason to believe that their response was anything more than lip service to someone they knew they'd never hear from again.

I know it's weird that somebody who complains so much about his experience with the furry fandom still participates in it. Bear in mind that the reason I joined it was that I can only feel affection when it comes from a fursuiter. Even that is tainted by the big stink some people make, fursuiters and otherwise, about consent (like Vix N. Que). I can relate insofar as unwanted touching - I was swatted for refusing a kiss when I was a kid, and all the affection I gave to my Dad was out of fear of another swat. Now, I'm on better terms with my dad, but I still feel nothing when we embrace. I only do it now because I feel guilty about my adolescent phase (which was largely post-poned until I was 25).

As to unwanted touching, I get it. People have harassed you while you were in suit. I would never go up to a stranger in a costume and just touch him/her. But all these demands for respect of personal space is a humongous social turn-off for me. Chances are, if I saw you demanding that everyone ask you before they hug you in suit, (as opposed to requesting it, Gail Frostbane serves as a good counterexample), I will stay far away.

It should be obvious at this point that I've ceased caring about being popular. I'm going to get into personal reasons for leaving the fandom now.

5. I do not at all identify with my online persona (No, I will not call it a fursona. I hate that word). I started out my character as a smartass teenager, and I don't seem myself in the way I've developed him. I make Dad jokes.

4. I do not like video games. Apparently, most furries are really into independant games, Among Us is the latest craze, and I do not give a fuck about Among Us. I'm sick of hearing about it.

3. Most furries are on the far left politically, and I'm fucking sick of politics. I do not like Donald Trump, but I'm sick of seeing people bitch about him and praise Black Lives Matter. I don't know whether I would support or oppose BLM, I'm just sick of seeing people talk about it. Are you involved in the lives of anybody who's been attacked by the police? Unless you know somebody personally, I have to question your sincerity.

2. Most of my followers only pay attention to me when I do inflation porn, and I am losing interest in inflation little by little. I can't follow through even with sketches. I want to draw stuff related to the books I'm writing, and few of them ever have anything to do with cartoon slapstick of any kind.

1. Probably most of all, I came here for the wrong reasons. I wanted to feel loved and make friends, but when I went to make friends in person, they all acted like I wasn't there. I don't know how that is in relation to other social groups; I've been overlooked before, but coming from a group whose members say it's a very friendly, welcoming community, that hits very hard.

I don't know what the consequences are for posting a journal like this. I'm talking about my experiences. I know, the scope of my vision is narrow. I live in a very out-of-the-way college town in the South. But I need to do what's better for my personal health. I'm not disabling my account just yet (although depending on how many people get angry about this entry, that might be very likely), but the root of all this still remains. I need to feel loved. I need for people to read this and think, "Well... I don't agree with all of this, but this is clearly someone who is speaking from a place of pain." If you want to change my mind about the furry fandom, you have to be here in person, actually looking up from your phone, and engaging with me. If you are a fursuiter, you don't have to be in suit the whole time, but it would be nice to have a pat on the back. Some form of acknowledgement.

I'm not unaware of what this looks like. I know, I'm not presenting myself as a particularly adult person. But I need to grow through this. Driving a few people off may be the next step I need to take in healing.

I recently told someone I wasn't going to listen to his complaints until he followed my advice, which was to read Boundaries, talk to a counselor, or meditate. He yelled at me, and then blocked me, but I don't hold it against him. I don't know what his spiritual journey looks like. Cutting ties with me may have been the step forward he needed to take; it was certainly a different move from wallowing in self-pity in front of me. Before he changed his direction, though, I had to do something other than try to walk him through his depression and anxiety. I kept trying to say to him what I wish people had said to me, but our styles of communication were so different that all he heard was nagging.

I have confronted people before, and the reaction I've got was mixed, but the point is not to make somebody react in a specific way. The point is to prove to myself that I am capable of altering my response to situations I can't handle. And I have healed as a result of that. I've already brought up the other person who reacted negatively; I don't think he was all there, but while I can give some allowance for mental disorders, in a strictly social sense, I need to be allowed to inform someone of something distracting or annoying - and I realize that doesn't always come in the form of a verbal reprimand. Anyway, the friendship with the first guy was doomed from the start. He was extremely insistent on physical affection, and I said I was squeemish about skin contact, then he said, "You probably won't like being around me then," and posted a sulking telegram sticker. Well… the association with this man dragged on for about a year before I finally said, "Look, I don't feel affection for anyone who I can't be completely open with, and I don't find telegram stickers interesting." If that sounds harsh, please bear in mind that this guy couldn't take a hint. If I didn't respond fast enough, he'd accuse me of ghosting him (again, I think he wasn't quite all there), he'd demand that I get on to talk to him multiple times a day, and when I asked him not to show me pictures of furs I didn't like, he acted like I told him to go away. Ironically, he apparently "fit in" with the group that snubbed me, or so he said. He also said he had a fun, loving upbringing. I can only guess that his parents never taught him how to respect personal space.

But that was two people. There were three other people I confronted, and their response was much kinder. They were very understanding about what I didn't want to do, what I expected out of other people. And I was very nervous about approaching them, based on my experience with setting boundaries. But it needed to happen. And I have greater respect for them because of it. Even those who blocked me, I have greater respect for them, because it is a change from belaboring a "who-gets-the-last-word" contest.

So… something else that doesn't need so much boundary setting. I would still like to befriend some furs in person, but not at the risk of my psychological well-being. This means I'm not going to participate in telegram groups. If it is a necessary evil to join a telegram group so I can see where there meetups occur, I suppose I'll do it, but there are enough braggarts, attention whores, and assholes in any group that it's not worth participating in publicly. I don't regret leaving my local group. I don't regret having confronted anyone. Those who reacted negatively, I can only say that we do not have compatible personalities. I don't find it hard to imagine why they reacted that way. I can empathize with any particular response. But I need to protect myself on an emotional level, too. Furry or no, Christian or no, there are things I will outright walk away from.

And now… just because I need to regurgitate my boundaries (I'm leaving a letter to my mom tomorrow, so this will be slightly less of a problem), I will leave any situation where I do not feel welcomed. If everybody is more interested in their phones than talking to each other, I'm not hanging around you. If you and your friends only talk to newcomers when they have something antagonistic or dismissive to say, I'm walking away, and quite likely calling you out in private. I will not use the services of any platform that punishes me for doing so. I will also not associate with anyone who defends them. Another thing I need to address, if you want to contact me, you need to be the one coming up with conversation topics. I don't have the energy to come up with things to say to near-complete strangers. You have my contact information, send me a note if you want a commission. Also, never tell me you don't offend easily. Almost every person who has told me that has overreacted sooner or later to something petty.

Obviously, resentment over long-dead conflicts resurfaces. Part of it is that I have a lot to settle in my personal life with the people I know face-to-face. I have a new health insurance arrangement that I feel like puts a glass ceiling over my potential. I feel like I wasn't allowed to be honest with the lawyers or the judge. The ironic thing is, when you say you want the best for your offspring, that's still something that you want. What you need is to learn to let them choose for themselves. And… my parents have been very mixed about taking criticism. They used to say I don't take criticism well, and I admit, I haven't had the best track record of doing so. But a big chunk of that comes from a time they insisted on giving me piano lessons from an iron-fisted woman I didn't like. There are several unresolved conflicts I'm having with my parents. And one of the things Jesus said was that following his instructions would lead to conflict with your family of origin. Indeed, if I'm not at least a little offended by something, then that indicates that there's a weakness I was not aware of. I know what I have to do now.

I need to move towards a place where old drama doesn't matter anymore. At its root, I encountered a few people, and our social convictions clashed. However many tyrades I go on, and however enraged those tyrades may be, objectively it all boils down to a difference in values. Even as I write this, my mind ventures towards a place where I can say, "Well, at least I did this." And that has to stop mattering, too. I am not involved in their lives. I never was. Unless your entire existence is limited to chat groups or websites, you have a life to deal with outside of that.

One of the reasons this is such a big deal to me is that I have nothing psychologically to fall back on. I'm changing that by writing a letter to my mom. I'm telling her that we need to talk heart to heart on a regular basis for the rest of our lives. You need to do that, too. If you and another person are not learning about one another and contributing to one another's growth, you are missing out. All the parties, online popularity, political sway and business success will not make up for that.

I get that a lot of people here have much worse upbringings than I did. In which case, you may have to do what Jean Valjean does and go from person to person to see whether or not they are interested and able to assist you. I myself an unable to help anyone through the internet; I need to develop confidence, deliberation, and aim in the relationships with the people I already know face-to-face first. I keep getting letters from a children's hospital I ran a race for, but anybody can throw money around. I think it's even more urgent to form bonds.

This might not go the way I expect. I might learn that many of the people I know aren't interested in growing or forming relationships. But I have to find out. If nothing else, I will spend my life looking for these kinds of bonds. I definitely know where not to look - again, this is not a complaint against the furry fandom, but against the idea that bonds can form over the internet. They literally can't. Information can be exchanged, but you have to see that person outside the perimeters of what the internet allows to form a genuine bond with them, or even see them for who they really are.

I had a mental breakdown last night. I got in touch with my counselor, and realized some things. I've fallen into a pattern of trying to build an online social life/business, only to give up on it, sooner or later during a panic attack. Then, give it another try, only to give up on it again. My anger towards the local furgroup, my resentment towards former employers, and even my need to seek out friendship online, and to affirm my beliefs about the furry fandom as something particularly friendly are all symptoms of a deeper problem. You see, I also have nightmares almost every night. Most of the time, they have to do with family conflict. For most of my life, I've been afraid of my Dad reverting back to spankings. I was 25 before I decided to openly and knowingly rebel against my parents. They were insulted, they tried to manipulate the conversation and guilt trip me, but he didn't so much as lay a hand on me. I'm not bragging, I was not particularly sensitive, but it needed to happen.

Now, the truth is, I have met many more kind furries than I have snobby or cliquish furs. If I were to list the furs I don't like verses those I do, the ratio comes out as 1-to-3. The fact is, though, there are unresolved conflicts between me and my parents that have made me overly sensitive to rejection. There are still some things I'm not likely to tolerate, such as name-calling, put downs, or brush-offs, but my hope is that, once I resolve these problems, I won't be so desperate for furry-specific attention. I won't continue seething over the drama with the local group.

Now… I have felt some guilt over my online friendships. I'm sure there are those of you who feel like your kindness towards me doesn't amount to anything. It's not that it doesn't amount to anything, but there are parts of me that you cannot see because we don't know one another face-to-face. You need to see me in several different contexts in order to truly know me. And I could write a whole Bible's worth of descriptions about my life and my psychological make-up, and that still wouldn't amount to seeing me in person.

I used to scorn facebook because I thought it was overrated. In hindsight, I use other "social" media in the same way. Trying to meet my social needs. I'm not shutting down FA, or deleting my telegram account, or my discord. I barely use anything else. But I do need to turn my attention towards my face-to-face relationships for a while. I need to grow through some of the things I was too afraid to grow through when I was a kid, because of the constant danger of spankings.

I am on good terms with my parents. We've been through several different relationship phases. Perhaps this will turn out better than I hope. But we need to talk. I need to get to the root of these breakdowns; and they started long before I even discovered the furry fandom.

I used to like watching YouTube drama. I stopped this spring. One of the things that woke me up was the never-ending feud between Greg "Onision" Jackson and… too many people to name. One of the things that Repzion said was he wasn't fighting fire with fire. He was going to "be the fucking water." He was wrong. Some Repzion video that popped up in my feed a few months ago (long after I stopped following the drama but before I put Youtube on a website blocker) was titled, "I trolled Onision." Spectacular. Repzion is antagonizing Onision. What else is new.

Now, it's not literally impossible that Greg is innocent of the accusations, based on what I've seen. I find it extremely unlikely, but it's still not impossible. And even if he is, his public behavior towards his fans, his rivals, and his detractors is indefensible. But I'm not here to talk about YouTube drama. I'm here to talk about fighting fire with water.

I already know there are going to be people, both reasonable and unreasonable, who are going to call me a hypocrite for posting this entry. Well, accusations of hypocrisy are something I seldom listen to anyway, but in this entry, I intend to make a point about dealing with drama and corruption, while using public figures as examples. Anybody who reads this and then goes on to harangue anyone I mention by name are responsible for their own actions, and doing the opposite of what I advise. I am not going to debate anybody on this. If you have any objections, post them on your own page, don't come after me. I can't say whether or not I will use Repzion or Onision as examples. One thing I doubt I will ever do is contact them directly with complaints about their behavior, over and over again, and get neck-deep in drama, like they both have done.

The thesis of this entry is thus: If you are going to fight fire with water, you do not repeatedly criticize your enemy over and over. I know there are factors I'm overlooking, like YouTube algorithms, popularity, trying to keep your channel afloat. None of those matter. The way to put out the fire, in the case of Onision, is to educate your followers about keeping a safe distance from internet strangers, regardless of their reputation. Now, granted, this is trickier than it sounds. On the one hand, we do live in a rather closed-off society where people don't really get to know one another on a substantial level. On the other hand, we also live in a society where people publicly spill their guts online. This makes social navigation that much harder.

One thing that seems to be a recurring issue is need fulfillment. In the social scene, you fall for a predator because he or she meets some need of yours, whether that be a need for acceptance, a need for validation, a need for intimacy, a need for income, a need for shelter, or even just the need for a good laugh. Needy people are extremely vulnerable. And for them, seeking out those needs is extremetly risky. It is a bresh of fresh air to find someone who can provide those needs, especially after facing rejection, over and over again. I've seen this quite a few times in public chats, where several people tell one person to "grow up and get some self control" or "go to therapy so I don't have to deal with this." And then they find somebody who can meet their needs. Their former experience has narrowed their vision, and they fail to detect the warning signs that would otherwise inform them that they've fallen into a trap.

Now, on balance, obviously no one can meet everyone's needs. This is especially true over the internet, where relationships are so near yet so out of reach. Keeping in contact with someone does not entail a substantial relationship. You have to see someone in a wide variety of contexts to actually know them on a personal level, like how they react when they don't get their way, what happens when they are caught breaking the rules, how they respond to criticism or confronations, what they do when they're bored, how they respond to loss, how they grieve in the face of tragedy, and so on. And literally every single person faces these situations at some point or another.

Nevertheless, an inability to meet the need, by definition, does not make the need go away. I do not have any answers for how to get your needs met beyond, "try not to fall for someone who seems too good to be true." One of the reasons I am a Christian is less so because of hard evidence for Creationism or Jesus Christs' resurection, but because I want to believe there is a world beyond this crap-sack Earth. I want to believe there is a path towards healing outside of what mankind can offer. There might be none. I'm sure that somebody will come along and say, "Look, here's all the evidence against that." I don't care. I need to believe this. I might be incorrect, but I need to believe.

Greg, at some point in his life, failed to have some crucial need met. Whether he's guilty or innocent, he is definitely a damaged individual. Now he's getting that need met by acting out in public, and quite possibly grooming needy young women. And if that's the case, he definitely should go to jail. But the story doesn't end there. There are other predators in the making, looking for something that will satisfy their needs. And when the needs are starved, they grow into urges. I believe a root cause of it is a lack of substantial connections with other people. Those who have had their needs satisfied don't need to go tricking other people out of their time, money, bodies, whatever.

I have my own need for intimacy; emotional intimacy. Now, when I was a kid, I was swatted for refusing a kiss to one of my parents. And then what followed was a mindset wherein kisses and hugs meant I had to submit to the authority. I hated physical "affection." And yet, that did not eliminate my need for it. What I needed was permission to turn down affection, to distance myself from the desires of my parents. About 22 years later, in a counseling session, they finally gave me permission to turn down hugs from extended family. In the mean time, I still needed to feel loved. And I can only process affection through fursuits. That's where I am today.

Now, somebody might read this and think, "Well geez, man, ever heard of consent? Who the hell made it the fursuiter's obligation to 'love' you?" And you miss the point if you think that. There's a difference between duty and obligation. It is nobody's obligation to meet my needs, your needs, or anybody elses. And don't lie to yourself and say you're too strong to have needs. They may look different from mine, but they are still needs. However, it is the collective duty of mankind to meet the needs of their fellow man and the needs of nature. After your own needs are met, you should also feel the need to meet others' needs. If you don't, then there is some other need of yours that isn't being met.

In addition, like I said, failure to meet the need doesn't make the need go away. I've stopped seeking intimacy over discord and telegram. My parents actually agreed with my decision to change my name legally (can't remember if I mentioned it, but my actual first name came from my mom's late white-trash slob of a brother, and so I was raised on my middle name), and I was hoping that they would object so that I could have a heart-to-heart talk with them. I know, it sounds weird; I only want to have deep conversations in the midst of a dispute. I think my parents have unmet needs, too. I have the need for deep, personal conversations. In lieu of them, I am posting journal entries like this one. Or buying lots of books. Or writing closure letters to people I'm mad at.

But… back to putting out the fire. I once asked over telegram if I could buy fursuit materials over Hobby Lobby. Some guy answered with, "No, not onless you're okay with it looking like a shitty pile of carpets." Now, the optimal answer would have been, "That's very helpful to know. Thank you for the warning." Unfortunately, unless you have a very specific personality type, trying to answer in that fashion will be very soul crushing, most likely. If this was somebody who was definitely trying to stir up trouble, like an actual narcissist, the disabling answer would be, "That's a very interesting response." Still, even that is something you have to grow into after several lost arguments if you don't naturally have a laid-back personality. What I think I should have said was, "I don't even know you, and that's the first thing you say to me? Piss off. Don't talk to me if you're going to be a dick." This might have had some pushback. After all, nobody in that conversation so much as implied that he was in the wrong, in fact, they may have accused me of overreacting. That would have made them numbskulls. Setting a boundary is not overreacting. It's informing someone of something you will not tolerate. Because I would not have tolerated any defense of his "teasing." That's something you have to build up to.

What should I have done if he'd gotten more aggressive? Leave the conversation, probably tattle on him to the admin, and if the admin is an asshole too, leave the group. Any social circle led by someone who's okay with disrespect to newcomers isn't worth being a part of, and its members are probably mostly vulnerable people getting their needs met in extremely superficial ways. Instead, I pretended to be thick-skinned, only to write an angry letter to this guy one year later. Maybe that was fighting fire with fire. I started out with a disclaimer that it wasn't going to be a friendly letter, so I don't think so.

As for the admin, there is one last point I want to make. I did have a few words with him. I've heard people say everything from he's the most generous, inclusive person they've ever met to he was the biggest windbag they've ever met. My impression was that he had a considerable amount of self-control, but he was kind of snobby. He had this perpetual smile that stuck me as insincere, like it was manufactured for the sake of good PR. Anyway, I'd written a closure letter to him, telling him my problems with my local group, trying to balance it with a disclaimer ("you can delete this without reading it, all I'm doing is trying to get closure by addressing my problems with the group so I won't feel bitter anymore") and appropriate compliments ("If you've read through this, I can admire your constitution. I wouldn't have been able to stomach it"). He didn't outright block me. I showed my letter and his response to my counselor, and she was impressed by his response.

To this day, I don't know what he said. He apparently compimented my writing, but he evidently read my complaint. Now, I don't know if he was one of the people who'd reported me as sending spam (I don't know if telegram lets you report people and respond to them, or lets you report them without blocking them), if he'd complained about me to his friends, or what. But assuming that all he did was give me that one response, the one that impressed my counsellor, I can point to that as an example of putting out a fire.

There are some more hoops I have to jump through before I am able to put out such fires myself. I don't regret the closure letters or publicly posting these entries; I don't think I'm starting any fires or feeding them, but I do need to have my say on the matter. I will definitely have to adjust my means later on, to see what action I need to take.

UPDATE: As of 1/17/21, 7:00 AM CDT, requests are closed. I will be concentrating on my novel and miscellaneous side art projects.

For at least a month, I will be accepting short story requests as a means of getting some practice extrapolating. These will be 800 words maximum, and I will not revise them once I post them. While I am more lenient with explicit content in my writing, I do expect your request to stay in line with my terms of service. Off the top of my head, this means no rape, no feces, no diapers, and nothing involving children. And nothing to use as revenge against someone you hate. I retain the rights to refuse anything I'm uncomfortable writing.

I will accept story requests from the first five people to claim them through a comment. And you must comment on this journal or on my shout page for it to count. I want people to know if the slots are all filled.

You can make multiple claims, but you must wait at least 24 hours. If you do make multiple claims, I'm going to write multiple stories. These are going to be exercises, and I don't have the energy right now to plot out a full-fledged short story.

Remember, comment. If you note me, I'll read it so long as you include a subject line, but do not forget to comment. I don't want to disappoint somebody who obeys the rules only to find out their slot has been claimed by somebody who broke the rules.

DISCLAIMER: I will be referring to everyone I have a complaint by a pseudonym. If you recognize who I'm talking about in any of these entries, do not divulge their identity anywhere on my userpage.

Venting while I'm not angry has given me a new perspective on things. Rather than seeing my thoughts and feelings as things to be gotten rid of, it's more like organizing my mind and values. The way I was trying to sort out my feelings before was like looking at a messy room and trying to be okay with it, pretending that there was no point in tidying anything. I still want to move to a place where things don't bother me; I'll need to find some place to roleplay (in person) uncomfortable encounters first, where I'll face scolding, reprimands, snubbing, bad attitudes, undue criticism, all the things that have thrown me off balance that I've been talking about for the past few entries.

One of the things that seems to be a trend in bad days is run-ins with authority figures. I need to have some say in my interactions with other people, especially if they hold a position of power. I need to be able (and allowed) to protect myself. This is one of the reasons I try to stay away from IM chats. I have met both level-headed and iron-fisted moderators; any workplace will likely have a mixture of both, but it's usually the more assertive ones who are going to get the most control.

In 2018, I decided to improve my networking. I had very low expectations of my experiences, and, well, even those were disappointed. The furgroup I joined was absolutely cliquish, as I've said before, but I won't be talking about that now. I'm going to be talking about my grievences with the discord moderators I consulted, and the lip service I got in response.

So, I was at first hesitant to go to the emotional support channel, but the first person I spoke with was very supportive. The second time I got on there was after my first failed meet-up, where nobody spoke to me and were pretty much there just to read bullshit off their phones, I tried it again. A woman I'll call 'Wag' was especially dismissive. She said something like, "Yeah a lot of people complain that their first meet-up went weird, but then they go again, and it's all okay." Okay, listen, stuffing. It was not weird that they only talked to each other, it was outright rude. I wonder if you're the same kind of person who'd also blow off the newcomer in any socially group. In most social groups I've tried to join, I will say most people do give more attention to the people they already know, but just because that's the usual thing doesn't mean it's okay.

That by itself wasn't so bad. But I'd come to the emotional support channel again, and each time, all she did was blame me for not trying hard enough. "You're not willing to reach out yourself?" I am, I just get cold indifference in response. She really did not belong in the support channel. It wasn't just me she treated dismissively; most of the people she talked to, she either just gave unasked for advice or outright scoffed at them. The only people she seemed to even try to relate to were people facing financial problems.

I myself was kind of a butt-head for going back there, over and over again, failing to recognize that this was somebody who had no empathy to spare. At one point, I expressed disappointment in how one of my friends was treated. She said, "That sounds like none of your business. Why can't you just be friends with both?" Because the people mistreating my friend were also unfriendly to me. Dumb me for not outright saying that, for trying to be "peaceable." She also said, "Well, you might not want to get involved too deep into this. One thing I've learned is that furries love drama." Well, I don't necessarily disagree with that, but one, no, it's not furries that love drama, it's people that love drama. Two, the well-being of people who are nice to me is my business. Three, where the hell is the supportive part in all of this?

One of my biggest mistakes was expressing my philosophy on penal servitude. I was unhappy that someone who'd been so nice to me had so much controversy surrounding her. I said she may have done something illegal, based on what little I know (Again, I neither outright believe nor disbelieve her or her detractors), but I'd still want to associate with her. I also said that the penalty should be forbidding her to have the thing she can't handle legally, and Ms. Wag and her bossy bossy friend jumped on me, they went on their own tyrades, how overly permissive my philosophy was. Now, by analogy, what I was was akin to saying, "School shooters should have their guns taken away from them." What I was was extremely poorly thought out, and very much tangled up with what I was actually trying to express. In this situation, Wag and her friend were quasi-justified, as I later learned both had been victimized by what I looked like I was defending. However, I still think they could have handled it better. They didn't ask me why I thought that way, they just got angry. I responded by sassing Wag. I said, "I warned you it was controversial." And… well, that was almost the last time I interacted with anyone from that server.

So… one of Wag's male friends was a moderator, but I failed to observe that and the "no extra ping" rule, and so I unwittingly nagged him until she told me off. I was humiliated. This was right after another meet-up where everyone I was sitting near blew me off. I thought that pinging someone was what you did during an ongoing conversation. Well… I apologized to her, we tried to have a conversation, and she was her usual uppity, finger-wagging self. "You are the cause of all your problems," was something she said. "You should go talk to a therapist," was another. And "I understand what you're going through, and it makes me sad. That's why I go so far out of my way to help you." It was the wrong kind of help. She was too judgmental for me to actually hear anything she advised. I left that server, asked her to ban me, and she did so, thinking that I'd be done with the fandom for a while.

Now, I'm not unaware of my own faults. I will say that almost all of this, I had brought on myself for not seeing the warning signs or being direct enough in the name of being "polite" or "patient." I was trying to be a kinder, softer person than I already was. I hadn't taken the steps I needed to become kind. As a result, I failed myself and everyone around me. Still, I hadn't realized that. That is a recent development in my self-understanding. I did take her advice and go to my counsellor. I eventually went back to the server, and one last time, to my local group.

The next to last run-in I had with her is less dramatic. I asked a question about some point system, and she said, "You've been posting in this particular thread. It doesn't count." That was the last straw. That dismissive attitude drove me to confront her. I said, "Look, I'm writing to you so I won't go on another tyrade in the emotional support server, but please don't give me any more advice unless I ask for it." I know, I know, I asked what was going on in this example. But she had been such a bitch in previous interactions that it all boiled over. I later went back to pretending to be nicer than I already was. I had a few more interactions with her; I wrote her a prose poem featuring her fursona, I did what I wish she'd done for me and asked her a light but serious question about learning from hard relationships, and eventually, I just left the server. I haven't spoken to her since. I don't want to.

I've said before that moderators who get into "last word" contests aren't doing their job correctly. There are some more grievances I have to get off my chest with those who will remain unnamed; the template will be like this: Here's what he did, here's what I find wrong with that. Here's what he should have done, and this is what I will do if I see that again.

The most pressing instance was this chick in a separate discord server who'd woken up to snap at some of the members. She was notified, ordered the person not to ping her because she's trying to sleep, then proceeded to not try to go to sleep but continue to bicker with the members. I wasn't involved in this one, thank the lord, but It still got to me. I actually agree with the guy who said, "Turn your phone off if you want to sleep." Lady, you're not the only moderator here. It got worse when another moderator took her side and ordered the supposed nag to chill. I'm leaving any server with a moderation team like that. It's not worth it.

Hmm… the only other instance that comes to mind was the guy I nagged. When I went back to the furry group for the last time (this was after I told Wag not to give me undue advice), I went on yet another public tyrade against my local group. He advised me to leave it for good, and I snapped that I didn't want any advice. He got bitter, said he should have expected that I didn't want any, that I never want advice. And I finally said what I needed to say, "I don't appreciate that remark." And all he said was, "Okay, well, if I'm wrong, so be it." I suspect he was throwing his hands up in the air, but… that was actually preferable to feeding the argument. I didn't apologize, but I did write him a prose poem. He never responded.

After that interaction, I wrote my first closure letter. The guy I sent it to blocked me on telegram, but I actually have more respect for him for that rather than his trying to get into a last-word contest. I still don't like him, but the action he took was something I could say was more mature than other expressions of dislike.

Oh… one more thing. The bossy friend of Wag? I didn't like her either. I understand she had a very abusive childhood, but I don't think she was a very good moderator. She was the kind who thought being supportive meant insulting the people you're mad at. It doesn't work. All it does is stir up further angry feelings. I never had any interactions with her, I just didn't like what I saw of her.

Now, in the last entry, I said of people who criticize the mentally ill that they just don't understand. I myself just don't understand the demands of a moderator. I have befriended a few very nice moderators, some I feel the need to do something nice for. What I see in here is a discrepancy of communication. I did thank one guy for correcting me when I got too graphic in a thread. He was very welcoming. What I need to do is find a way to meet the staff first, keep all my past grievances in my journal entries, as shown here, and take things slowly. And find a roleplay group dedicated to dealing with uncomfortable situations. And then practice that.

I don't know what I'll talk about in the future. I do need to express myself, there's no getting around that. But I have felt happier since deciding to post my suffering on my own turf like this.

I hate telegram. Defending it is a very fast way to get on my bad side. Its blocking feature doesn't do shit, it lets you tamper with other people's chats (as in, deleting them off their phone), and it will suspend your account for privately confronting people. That is all bullshit.

I know there are counterarguments to this. I've heard them. I don't care; nobody I want to block ever offers anything worth reading. Not being able to get away from people I hated within certain chats led to a lot of drama.

Right now, I'm not going to go into the drama with my local group. I'm not feeling particularly on edge about that at the moment. I'm not on edge in general right now, but that's one of the reasons why I want to cover this; I can't wait until I actually get angry. I want to confront this matter while I'm not angry. Or at least, not especially angry.

Among the people I wanted to block was this guy who did nothing but brag about his body. At least when he wasn't mocking other people. That's been a recurring motif in Southern groups; guys who want to prove their masculinity. At first, I'd think that were strange within a group that has a dippy name like "furry" (and come on, guys, you've got to admit that it's at least a little saccharine). However, now that I think about it, it's also quite possible that these same guys suck at showing off to "real men." They lost a dick measuring contest with someone manly, now they've had to move down a peg and measure dicks with animal nerds. I remember there being at least five people like that.

At any rate, I got into a fight with this one guy who posted a video of an unsafe motorcycle driver. He got aggressive very quickly when I objected to it. It was an instance where I was not on my best behavior, but neither was he. This was long after I'd sent several confrontation letters to my local group. Eventually, a moderator told us to knock it off. This supposed badass-bod boy had one more retort for me, but I didn't read it. This was one of those guys who had nothing to say if he wasn't putting someone down or complimenting himself. I hate that kind of person. According to this other guy who'd met him in person, he was actually "not super buff," so it's likely he was exagerating. Again, there's a possibility he bragged so much because he didn't get enough compliments or validation from other people. But then again, there's also the possibility that he was just plain arrogant, and he just looks down on everyone else. Neither are literally impossible.

I didn't write him a confrontational letter. Apart from that one argument, I didn't have much interaction with him. I made him the butt of a breastfeeding joke after he got ugly with me a few months earlier. He didn't have any clever retorts, only more ugliness. Instead, I left that group. Blocking him would have been pointless. Blocking people still permits them to harass you within chat groups, leaving you to nag the moderator, who will either ban them or ignore you. People who say, "just ignore people you don't like" really don't get it. I can't ignore them. They come after me. Anytime I want to talk to somebody, they are there. There's no getting away from them. And I have very little reason to believe that these people, the ones who say that ignoring them is the solution, actually follow their own advice. I've tried to ignore people who make me angry. It doesn't work. If I simply have a low tolerence for annoying people, how do you develop an immunity to it? Is such a thing even possible? Most people I can actually trust as sincere say they have to muster up a lot of patience to deal with people like that. I just don't have the energy for it.

The other person I wanted to block was this allegedly 12-year-old girl who did everything she could to become and stay the center of attention. If I were to make a lame joke, she'd center in on it and dissect it so she could point out it's flaws. Once or twice is just someone trying to be cute. But this happened over and over again. And she had a handful of cronies who would white knight for her if I called her out. Eventually, I straight-out confronted her (several months after trying to put up with it). She didn't have any retorts. I also confronted her worst cronie (another "man's man" asshole who never had a real opinion on anything but he had to argue all the same). All this girl said was, "Oh geez…" This guy didn't even respond. I think he may have been one of the people to report me to a bot so I got suspended temporarily. The suspension lifted the moment I confronted the bot, but it was still as obnoxious as hell.

By the way, I was very civil in the way I confronted these two. Much more civil than I feel like they deserved. The latter one tended to pick on this one mentally ill guy (who I will admit was kind of a sad sack). See, even the people who actually use telegram don't actually follow the "ignore the annoying ones" principle. I once defended the mentally ill guy, and every counterargument (one of which came from the 12-year-old girl) was a strawman. I was very tense during the argument. I carried myself well, but I don't really think anything was gained except for a temporary "naa naa na naa naa" type victory for me (as I got the last word. Told you I wasn't above getting in a "last word" contest). Nobody's mind was changed, the guy I defended never showed me any appreciation, and it was yet another group I just left because I was so sick of (a few) of its members.

Probably the most annoying thing that came out of this experience was the argument I had with Mr. "I know more than you do" and Little Miss "All about me!" was an argument having to do with identity politics. This girl asked if we thought ancient furries had secret knowledge we hadn't uncovered. Now, one thing I can't stand is identity politics. I can chalk this up to a difference in social aspirations. I'm a furry because I can only process true affection from fursuiters, and the nice people here are especially nice. What I can't stand is somebody acting like their interest makes them better than other people. I asked what difference being a furry would have made. The indepth answer from 12-years? "All the difference." And Captain Asshole comes along and says, "She's right, you know." No, she isn't. A useful discovery is a useful discovery. The demographic of the person finding it does not do anything but give you the opportunity to say, "See? I told you my team is smarter than yours!"

Now, I do know that there is a trend among furries to be interested in high-ranking science fields. I'm happy to share something in common with someone who likes Engineering, Aerospace, Medicine, Biomechanics or Surgery. However, all I could see in this conversation was arrogance on their part. I'm not proud of myself for getting involved in these dumb arguments. Banter was the only way I knew how to interact with these people. The only time they wanted to be serious was when they were objecting to the aforementioned mentally ill man, and so I'm sure I misread several social cues. I got ugly myself after some further questioning. 12-years said "Knowledge for knowledge sake is the point," and I say "Well, good luck getting it from this group." And her cronie said, "Least of all from you." Yeah… not good.

I still disagree with 12-year old, even if she really was that young. She has yet to learn that any knowledge you don't put to use fades away. You might learn it faster the second time around even if you forget it, but she and her friends only seemed to use "knowledge" to show off and hoard attention. It was obnoxious.

Now… Even if I had minimal interactions with somebody, it still can get a hold of me. One guy had a particularly risque avatar, and I asked where it came from. He ignored me. The abovementioned guy gave me fake answers, and resorted to namecalling. Mr. Bikini-man, the guy with the suggestive avatar, thought this was funny. I got sick of being ignored so I cussed him out. Finally, Mr. Know-it-all sent me a glaring typeface and said, "It's a photoshopped image." I sassed him, but got the impression that he was genuinely mad. I apologized just in case. I later resented myself for doing so.

I once mentioned that Popufers didn't bother me; I don't mind anyone with a large following, so long as I'm not ignored in person. Bikini man dismissed my conviction, saying that cliquish people will still be amiable, I just shouldn't expect to be friends with everybody. Well, buster, way to completely miss my point. I don't expect to be friends with everybody. But I expect at least a few people I'm sharing a table with to acknowledge me when I try to join the conversation. That is the bare minimum. If you can't at least look at me every once in a while, then you're being very self-centered. Like I said earlier, I won't sit there and put up with that. I confronted this guy, too. And… yeah, I didn't get over it by doing that, as you can see.

He also went on a public tyrade (in the chat group) about the mentally ill guy. I've been dodging it for a while; it's a very sensitive topic for me. But I think he was very ignorant of what these people go to. There was somebody coaxing him, which made it worse. I've already talked about the general attitude towards the mentally ill, but I need to repeat it now that I'm going over this: It is a handicap. People like me have a very hard time navigating the social realm. Even with particularly nice people, it can get very overwhelming at times because I'm always worrying, "Have I offended them and they're just too polite to say anything about it?" I also deal with a lot of self hatred. I do fear losing friends over my novel-length spiels, although I still believe that I have to do this if I want to heal.

I think, I can allow a little grace towards this guy on this one point: He just doesn't understand. He doesn't understand the crippling anxiety and social struggles we face, and I'm aware that it does get very tiring putting up with anxiety-driven people, even when you do know what they've been through. One comment I read on a youtube video trying to posit the brain disorder of the shut-in, self-centered uploader posited, "I know [mentally ill people] who are both arrogant and humble." Again, this person just doesn't understand how hard it is to face the world with a mental illness. A step I would like everyone to take is to move away from describing somebody with emotion-driven adjectives. I know that's what I've been doing this whole time, but this is about my healing process. What you call arrogance is actually somebody trying to work through their disappointment and heartache. If it bothers you that much, don't interact with them. Don't go to places where you're forced to put up with them.

I've followed my own advice and minimized my participation on telegram. On balance, there was somebody I believe had autism. He was not easy to put up with. He often demanded that I forego my work, he spammed me with cute stickers, he sulked when I didn't respond to him fast enough (and this would be minutes of him personally contacting me), and he constantly posted hug stickers in the chat group. I got sick of that. Worst of all was when I asked him not to do something, he took it like a slap in the face. Namely, I said I didn't find stickers particularly interesting, and he said, "If you want me to leave, just say it." I told him I didn't want to see pictures of people from the local group, and he said, "I'll just go away." I said I wasn't in the mood for virtual hand holding, and he said, "It really hurts when you push me away. Stop doing that." I do not have the patience to put up with that. I eventually told him, "Listen… I don't know if you want me for a friend. I only really feel affection for people I can get moral support from." He responded. "I'm going to leave you alone. I tried to be your friend, and I failed." and I said, "Well, if that's what you want to do. But you didn't fail, I think we just have incompatible ways of communicating."

I won't say he didn't try to be supportive. He did offer to accompany me to the meet-ups. I don't think I was appreciative enough of that. I definitely should have been more complimentary in that area. However, my own anxiety, the kind that I'm working through now, is such that I don't have the capacity to accommodate his dependancy. I feel bad for him, but it's outside of my power to help him. I don't know that he even wants help. It's one of the things limited by an online friendship.

The last person I have to talk about wasn't a furry, but she was on the spectrum. She did have a crush on me (as hard to believe as that may sound), but that all fell apart when, 1. I said I didn't have time to meet for coffee (this was in the middle of 2019), and 2. I posted a picture of a big-bootied tiger chick on twitter, even though I warned he she might want to mute me throughout October. She called me a pervert, said we couldn't be friends anymore, and I asked her to talk this out privately. As it turns out, she thought she might have a chance with me because we met in a support group. Then when I turned her down, she thought I was reprimanding her. I asked if there was a more polite way I could put it, and she didn't have an answer. Over the next couple of months, she railed at me. I couldn't really get to the bottom of her grievance with me, but she didn't articulate it very well. Eventually, she called me a man child, and I said. "Okay… listen, I've tried to get to the heart of the matter, but I get the sense I've just been leading you on unintentially. Is it closure you want?" "Yes." "Then, I hope you find what you're looking for."

One major point I need to make here - I was not angry with her throughout her tyrade. If anything, the complaints were more entertaining than the small talk. I understood that she was at a disadvantage, and that her criticism of me was an attempt to work through her disappointment with how things turned out. I should admit I probably looked like that to the more mature members of the local fur group when I wrote my closure letters to them. I did try to be more adult and balanced, trying to make sure that everything I said was largely in the perimeters of my perspective, and prefacing them with a trigger warning. I don't know what their responses were. I let my counsellors read them. I'm aware that I have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of bitterness to let go of, and a lot of warning signs I need to pay more attention to.

A strategy that seems to have worked out is meeting with the authority figures beforehand and informing them of my past experiences and failings (more succinctly than I do here, of course). It's worked twice so far. I also need to take things much more slowly. I don't know that my sense of humor (dad jokes and lame puns) are universally all that funny. I have managed to make a few people laugh in voice chat, but… I'm still walking on eggshells. I think one of the things I need to do is strengthen the relationships I already have rather than trying to befriend the entire fandom (particularly fursuiters). I already have fursuiter friends. I should develop those friendships a little better. And develop my non-suiter friendships. And my non-furry friends.

The end goal is to see everything that has happened to me that I'm bitter about as, not terrible occurances, but part of the learning process. I think, on the whole, things have gone much better. But I still have some things I need to work through. Some new ways I need to express myself, and so on…

I'm currently waiting on more books from Henry Cloud and John Townsend, namely, "Changes that Heal," "Safe People," and "Beyond Boundaries." I think that I should balance off my complaints with some of the things I believe I did wrong.

Now, in all of these journal entries, I will be talking about myself, my opinions, and my experiences. Anyone who reads this might think I am narcissistic. I have not been diagnosed with anything narcissism related, but even if I were, you'd still have to understand it as a handicap. As morally compromising as it might feel, you still have to look at somebody's actions in context when you judge them. Narcissists have no concept of other people as individuals with feelings. That's where the handicap resides. Their entire self-worth is built on protecting the greatest good - their own personhood. I've seen mental health experts say they've never seen any narcissist "cured" of their handicap. I posit that doing so would mean sacrificing their idea of the greatest good (which again is their personhood). It's the consistent guarding of their idea of themselves that leads to manipulation, lying, exploitation, and abuse.

Please understand also that I'm not saying that having a handicap is an excuse. What I am saying is that the usual response to it is the wrong way to interact with them. Mentally ill people can act out of malice. There are plenty of things I've done more so to get even with somebody than to resolve a conflict. I once felt rejected by somebody when he responded to a joke I made as if I were serious. Later, when this same guy said his parents wouldn't let him buy a fursuit, I deliberately rubbed in his face that my own Dad offered to buy me a fursuit, but I turned him down. Now, one of the actually friendly furs in the group responded, "What the Hell? Can I have your Dad?" I felt much better after that. I even told my parents about it (foregoing the intential flaunting behind my own remark), and they were impressed.

I also set up a telegram channel just to invite some other furries I didn't like and then ban them out of smite. That didn't make me feel any better. Going on long tyrades in chat groups didn't make me feel any better. Sending closure letters did make a difference, but like I said, the conflicts still arise from time to time. I started out every one with a disclaimer, "All I want is closure. You can delete this e-mail without reading it, as it has nothing of consequence in it, but should you decide to read it, bear in mind that I at least warned you."

I send it to be able to say I did the brave thing. Another Cracked writer said that people who never confront the people they hate are cowards. There are other people who probably think that anyone with the need to write such confrontations are assholes. To them, I can only say, "guess I'd rather be an asshole than a coward." There is a part of me that does wish ill on the people who have hurt me, even though no doubt there are people I've hurt (with or without realizing it) who probably wouldn't mind if I suffered. That is the part that needs to heal, the need to resolve my bitterness by learning of other peoples' suffering.

I'd like to think I've made some improvement by journaling these feelings (even though I post them publicly) rather than screaming about it in a discord server. That was the wrong way to go about it. That led to some conflict that, at the moment, I am much too tired to go into now. And I have other things I need to attend to; namely, cleaning my apartment.

Something I forgot to mention; a fundamental change in my beliefs between when I was a kid to now; If you die without having converted, it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to hell, as I previously believed. I don't believe in a God who buries the truth and then incenerates you if you can't find it. What it means is that you miss out on the principles that will lead you to personal growth, and you then will be unprepared for something terrible, anything from the death of someone you love to somebody's terrible manners.

I have more to say on religion, but there are other matters I need to get off my chest.

I remember hearing on the Crack'd podcast somebody observing that the internet is used as reverse telepathy, meaning that instead of reading other people's minds, you are putting your own thoughts out on display. How somebody acts online, whether in a chatroom or in a journal post, is a pretty solid barometer for their maturity. Otherwise civil adults will become savage on facebook (those who still use it) or twitter. People will drop all pretense of good manners when they encounter something they disagree with. There are exceptions; I'm not saying that truly mature adults are non-existent. But if you really want to measure your maturity, look at the way you respond to people online.

Now, when I heard the Crack'd comment, I thought, "Well, I'll just show more restraint, then I'll be more mature." Nope. Maturity starts with the emotion. If you are so much as tempted to lash out at someone, then you've already got a problem within yourself. Knowing that I would have gotten sick if I didn't talk back to that customer I mentioned last entry, I can spare a little more grace to the people I've butted heads with. And yet, I won't ever take a position that there is no way to deal with such temptations other than to follow through with them. I need to find a support group. If they don't exist, I need to organize them. If it falls through, I need to organize another one. If that falls through, organize one again. Keep organizing them.

One of the things I never seem to be prepared for is when somebody corrects me. I find it extremely disorienting, to the point where sharing this, someone will say, "Come on, it's not that big a deal. Why even go anywhere if you're that easily offended?" I already agree these things shouldn't offend me that much. That's a flaw that I've spent my whole life trying to suppress. Sometimes the correction is justified, sometimes it isn't. But as I've said before, I cannot pretend to be more mature than I actually am. I don't care if you think I'm a bitch or a snowflake. I have to express my feelings about this.

So… I thought that discord chatrooms were the solution to my loneliness. On the whole, my experiences have been positive. However, I was caught off guard when somebody lowered my mic volume without asking me to turn it down, then announced that he did so because my A/C was on. I should have said, "Look, pal, you could have asked me to turn it down myself. I don't appreciate that." Then I wouldn't have beaten up on myself for the rest of the day, and several weeks following. This happened a second time while I was driving. A moderator asking me to turn the volume down, which wasn't as disorienting, but still, people like that only show give me any attention to tell me I'm doing something they don't like. I snapped at him, then apologized, then resented myself for apologizing.

I'm aware that this sounds like a silly complaint. But use your imagination: surely somebody has corrected you justifiably and had you resent them at least once in your life. If you say no, I'm calling BS. If you follow it up with, "but it was helpful in learning what not to do," then you're further along in your maturity than I am, at least in the area of accepting correction. Probably not so much in empathizing.

Since divulging my opinions on these matters, I have felt less resentful. I do think that this is probably better than going into "emotional support" channels. I think one of the factors in failing to get emotional support is that I'm seeking it from people who barely know me. All they see is somebody complaining about everyday inconveniences and mishaps. They're not familiar with the kind of brain disorder I have, and all they can do is advise me based on a purely hypothetical situation.

The steps I'm taking are probably going to disrupt the peace in my personal life; but given that the alternative is to wage war on myself until I really can't take it anymore, I have little reason to believe that what I'm seeing is actually peace. Once my Dad is done with grading papers, I'll have my counsellor call him about my planned name change. I've talked with this to my brother and my sister. They think Dad will take it better than Mom. In my mind, it's a given. I'm sick of having to correct people and explain that I go by my middle name because my first name comes from the family bum. I'm different from him. I'm taking steps to improve.

A few days ago, I snapped at a customer at the Bookstore where I work for trying to act like I victimized her. I'm not sorry I did it; if I had kept quiet, I would have become physically sick. My supervisor graciously advised me not to worry about it, that she was making a bigger deal out of something that didn't need to be. I only felt a little guilty on behalf of my supervisor, although I would rather feel that way than feel powerless.

As I said before, I'm not a thick-skinned person. I cannot alter my emotional personhood to my liking. I can change my own mood for a while, but anything that upsets me resurfaces from time to time. Confronting the person (directly expressing disagreement) does help to reduce the pain, but I still feel slighted, like something has been taken away from me. The matter remains unresolved.

I need to heal.

When I started meditating, I had the mindset that it was going to do away with my need to be heard, my need to express my pain. It didn't work, nor was it ever supposed to do that. Meditation only clarifies the problem. You have to take action if you want to resolve or improve anything.

Somebody in a chat room once said, "You have to control your outbursts. You're an adult. This behaviour gets in the way of our conversations." On the surface, I can get behind a statement like this. There are rules to follow when interacting with people in public, and people who don't follow those rules often get shunned. However, this was directed at somebody mentally ill after he asked for advice. He said, "I can't control it." Well… first of all, the guy giving this "advice" misses a few points. First of all, telling somebody to behave a certain way, especially if they are mentally ill, doesn't work. They are already struggling with control over their behavior. Second, somebody's age is not an indicator of where they are in their personal growth. I think there are probably very few adults who are as adult as they should be. Third, if it gets in the way of a conversation, then that tells me that there is a need for a conversation specifically about that.

I don't know either of these people that well, but this is an instance of somebody dismissively dodging a very essential conversation. Personal things do not get talked about nearly enough, and I'm not talking about sex, race, politics, religion, etc. I'm talking about people. The very core of one's being. Even if you don't believe in the soul, you at least believe in personal growth. And remarks like "You're an adult, so act like one," only show how narrow your (again, hypothetical second person) perspective is. Actions begin inside you, after the emotions. And I do have to say that people who make fun using words like "special snowflake" are not helping.

I'm going to be talking about some things that genuinely piss me off. I'll be as civil as I can, but this does deal with some sensitive issues.

The problems I'm talking about reside beyond the furry fandom, not just within it. I think that the root of my own personal problems begin with my Christian upbringing. Now, I am still a Christian. I do believe in the existence of a supreme creator, and that there is an afterlife that we will see after we die. Now for the tricky part. My Christian authority figures would implore me to add, "And I have accepted Jesus Christ into my heart as my Lord and savior." However… speaking to an audience of likely mixed faiths along with a lack thereof, I have to admit that is kind of unclear. I do believe that Jesus Christ was an actual historical figure who died and physically returned to life. When it comes to saying who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell, here's where things get tricky.

For one thing, I do not believe that Hell is the blazing inferno that orthodox Christianity portrays it as. It's not that dramatic. I believe it's more a state of misery, despair, and, most of all, selfishness. Of course, nobody wants to end up in that state. To avoid it, you're supposed to admit that it's where you are headed naturally, unless you permit Jesus and his teachings to guide you, and then believe accordingly. All of the churches I attended in my childhood were Baptist churches, and their was a constant emphasis on "grace-based salvation," meaning that moral behavior was not part of going to heaven but meant as a tool for converting other people. This is my perception of it, as best as I can remember.

I converted when I was six, entirely to escape Hell. In my mind, that made it a false conversion. I wasn't interested in improving my life for the better. What is there to improve at that age anyway? Apart from stronger adherence to your parents rules, I doubt many kids that age have anything to adhere to morally. When I was fifteen, I'd heard a sermon based on evaluating your own personal faith. It's only real if you act on it, the preacher seemed to say. Then, in the same sermon, he said, you only act on it to show it's real to other people. This sent me into cosmic dread.

Right now, I am far less a Biblical literalist than I was for most of my life. It's more important to follow the abstract principles behind Jesus's life and resurrection. I'm not ruling out the possibility that I'm incorrect, and that the Bible is a work of fiction (as scandalous as that would sound to my fellow Christians). The principles I must follow as a Christian is to admit to my shortcomings (admit I'm not as strong, mature, smart, easy-going, kind, or even creative as I would like to believe), seek out people who can help me grow, and then do the same for other people. That, I believe, is at the root of it. Good behavior and improving my character come as natural outgrowths of inner change. Again, I refer you to the works of John Townsend and Henry Cloud for more specifics.

This, however, is severely lacking in the Christian community. There is more judgement and fastidiousness than personal growth. Street preachers protesting gay pride parades (even though I have my own qualms against the tackier ones), angry mothers picketing abortion clinics, anti-intellectual attitudes… however, I think the biggest transgression of Christians today is their lack of personal openness. There are way too few support groups in general. Too many people think they have it made. And if you read this and think, "Well, my life is just fine so long as this doesn't happen," then you're in as much need of one as any mental patient. "This" is going to happen, in one form or another. Eventually, you're going to have to face something you cannot cope with on your own.

I don't think I'm going to convince everyone, or even most people, to join a support group. Like I said, I'm doing this as part of my own healing process. It won't be the last time I'll post a journal like this. My own healing will start by bringing the issue to my family. For all the talk of God and Jesus, we almost never talked about anything personal. Both of my parents have hard backgrounds that have leaked into the lives of me and my siblings. I'm going to talk to my counselor; I want to legally change my name to have my middle name, the name I grew up with, moved to my first name with another gospel ("Matthew") made my middle.

I have other stuff I will need to vent about later, but it certainly feels good to be honest without worrying myself about the response I'm going to get.

I still get mad every day about conflicts long forgotten. While meditation has made my thinking clearer, it hasn't completely expunged all the bitterness, not just with furries but with previous employers, coworkers, family members, classmates, teachers and people in general. The fact that resentment resurfaces so often tells me I am not as mature as I would like to think. I was going to go on a tyrade a few days ago, but then decided against it. It took me so long to type it out that I eventually gave up.

Meditation doesn't resolve the problem, it only clarifies it. There are so many unresolved conflicts going on in my life that it gets in the way of my productivity. There are myriad reasons why this is; that I haven't taken the opportunity to enforce my own boundaries, that I seldom have heart-to-heart talks with people I want to be friends with, that I expect too much of myself and others, and that things that only annoy other people completely throw me out of whack. Also, whenever I see somebody state their own convictions, I can't help but internalize it and think, "that's what I'm supposed to aspire to." I have to be more productive, that I need thicker skin, that I need to learn to let things go, that I need to be more athletic, more studious, more outgoing, more Christ-like, the list goes on and on. It's exhausting.

I don't know what is going to put all this emotional turmoil of mine to rest. It is probably going to be an ongoing solution. I assumed that writing closure letters would do the trick, but it didn't. The reason is that I treated it like a one time deal, that once I sent the letters, I would never have to confront anybody ever again. That is not how it ever works. I need to find a way to inform you (and I'm using the hypothetical second person throughout this entry) that something you're doing is bothering me. And I need to practice doing it. Part of my Christian upbringing has been to learn to never confront people so that peace can be made. Well… hell no. It doesn't work. All pacifism ever does is give permission for people to misbehave. There are ways to confront people without being bossy, snippy, condescending, or vengeful. And this involves having conversations that most people are reluctant to have.

From what I've observed, most personal conflicts, furry or otherwise, arise out of a lack of boundaries. Most people don't know how to appropriately confront another person. Furthermore, most people don't know how to accept correction graciously. I once stated this in a discord conversation. The guy I was talking to responded, "Well, I'm okay with confrontation, so long as you're not laying into me." Good for you, but I have seldom seen that in practice. That, and I never outright believe (or disbelieve) people. Show, don't tell.

So… to practice dealing with my demons, here are my boundaries:

I believe that social events are supposed to involve socializing. I'm not hanging around people who would rather play around on their phones than interact with the people around them. If you blow me off when I try to join in (e.g. only give a one-sentence answer to my questions and then act like I'm not even there), or only talk to me when you have something mean to say, I do not owe you the courtesy of a thorough goodbye. If you think it's rude of me to just get up and leave, you should think about how your own actions affect me.

While I will not go on long tyrades in IM chats anymore, I might mention that I'm not feeling my best. I need to talk about my personal feelings and opinions. Anyone who tries to rationalize someone else's mistreatment of me ("they are just trying to be funny, don’t take it so personally"), I will say, "I don't appreciate that." If you are bothered by what I'm saying, own it and tell me, "Look, this conversation is making me uneasy." That I will respect. I will not permit you to tell me what I should and should not put up with.

I have no more patience for self-pity or gossip. If you are mad at somebody, confront them. Or consult a relationship expert. Don't share drama with me, or I'm leaving the conversation. I don't have the constitution to shoulder other people's emotional burdens. I also have no respect for anybody who stays in a social circle they hate. If most of the people suck, you have no business being in there. Anybody who's worth your friendship will stay your friend whether you are in that group or not.

I hate edgelords and trolls. If you antagonize me by trying to "call me out," I'm blocking you. If you try to debate me on my own boundaries, I want nothing to do with you. I'm not letting you play mindgames with me so that you can feel smart. Do that on your own page. I already know my personal flaws, and if you resort to name-calling, you're getting blocked.

I'm not staying in any group with immature staff. If you fight with or try to control your members instead of enforcing the rules, I'm leaving. I need to express myself when I'm corrected. If I say, "This is a lot to take in, I need to step out for a little bit." it only means that I've been taken by surprise and need a few minutes to recover. I won't pretend to be more mature and easygoing than I truly am. I do want to cooperate, which is why I will do my best to memorize all the rules and stay out of situations where I feel most vulnerable. If you can't accomodate me asking for a little space to recover, then I'm leaving.

Do not interrupt me when I'm trying to help somebody else. If you are rude enough to butt in and correct me, I'm leaving the job to you. Also, don't tell me to do simple tasks you can quickly and easily do yourself. If there's a legitimate reason you cannot do this yourself, I'll be happy to help out. But if it's some simple errand you just can't be bothered to take care of on your own, I'm not doing it. Also, if you are an authority figure and you give me permission to do something another authority objects to, you two have problems you need to work out. Most of all, don't raise your voice at me. If you expect me to keep my cool and show self-control, you have to show it yourself. I will outright leave without a word if you get in my face and yell at me.

It will take a lot of nerve to work up the courage to actually enforce my boundaries. I'm sure there are people reading this and thinking "okay, well, have fun getting fired, asshole." If that's you, you're the kind of person I want nothing to do with. I will find that out for myself whether choosing not to be an errand boy is reason for termination. I do not outright believe any claim that it is. It may be true, but I'll consult my experience for that.

Some of this has been hard to write, because people I consider friends have done a few of these things. But I want them to heal, too. I recommend Cloud and Townsend's "Boundaries." Like I said, I can't pretend to be stronger and more mature than I really am. I do take many things personally, and it always catches me off guard. Taking things impersonally means I always have to be on my guard, and I just don't have the energy for that. So I need to practice walking away from hurtful things.

But I need to have close, personal talks. One that involves safe words, where we can take a break from the conversation, and then return to them. I need to also move away from trying to come up with solutions. I don't know how to solve your problems, but healing does exist.

The load of projects I've drowned myself in has thrown my entire focus out of wack. Here is a list of them that I've come up off the top of my head.

-My 2nd Novel, An Arizona Fairy Tail
-At least 15 different Nosleep stories
-10 Regular stories
-My fursuit, 4th revision
-A dragon-themed fursuit
-Plushies
-Covers of a bunch of songs
-Original songs I want to write
-Fat drawings
-Muscle Drawings
-Character drawings
-What's left of my interest in Inktober.
-The 300 or so books I'd like to eventually read
-My personal mascot-themed mask based on my college's mascot bulldog
-Exercising

You get the idea.

Welp... I need to focus, so... I'll only be doing one thing for each category, commissions notwithstanding.

-Literature: An Arizona Fairy Tail
-Art: Bulldog Face Mask
-Music: Uploading all the music I wrote before finishing Highschool
-Sewing: The Dragon Mascot
-Reading: All the books I borrowed from my parents

Yup. I don't think the bulldog face will take too long... but I need to get my act together. Driving me out of my mind here.

It's been about 7 months since I last went on a tirade. My motive for taking on meditation was to completely eliminate the need for such rants, yet the urge to partake and indulge still arises. It isn't because meditation isn't working, it's because I need to meditate 24/7.

Now, meditation is not sitting with your legs crossed in the lotus position and humming lengthy "ohmms" with your eyes closed. It is, as best as I can explain my experience with it, releasing your grip on a mental/emotional level. Grip on what? Everything.

As an example, my grip on reality involves such things as the attitude that I've been slighted by previous jobs and social groups, that I have to write confrontational letters to move on, that I can only process affection from fursuiters. These things are getting in the way of my personal growth, a claim on which I also have a pretty solid grip.

Speaking of grips, the objections people will raise to this, even the idea that people will contest this when they see it, I've got a grip on that. "This all sounds like postmodern gibberish." "Why bother doing anything at all if you want to release your grip on reality?" Meditation involves letting go of the need to answer all of that. You really can only understand this if you personally experience it. "1. Sounds like the logic a cult leader would use. 2. Boy, is that ever a cop-out. 3. The guy in the quotes would be excellent at Cinemasins. 4. Are you sure you're not just trying to get out of admitting you were wrong?" Meditation involves releasing the need to participate in such arguments. Use your imagination; if you can ask such questions, you can answer them yourself. "Wow, you're pompous. You're the same guy who objects to what you call 'who gets the last word' contests? You should try out for the hypocrisy Olympics." Meditation includes true acceptance, which in turn involves letting people have a negative opinion of me.

I treat myself to the last word in this hypothetical argument because whenever somebody gets openly contradictory or argumentative like this, I can never tell whether they sincerely want answers or are just looking for a (verbal) fight. I am not a thick-skinned person; I don't know if I offend easily (at least relative to what most people find offensive), but I would like to offend a lot less easily. I don't trust advice like "just be yourself" (people reprimand me when I'm myself), "just grow thicker skin" (people who tell me this don't know how to do it), "just let it go" (it's more like it won't let me go), or, probably worst of all, "I just say what I want/speak my mind/have no filter" (in which case, you deserve any drama that comes your way. No sir, you don't get the privilege of not ever having to show any restraint).

A lot of my pain comes from going into situations without due preparation. I need to prepare myself for things like getting overlooked, people taking sides against me, scolding me, bringing up topics I hate, treating a friend in a way I don't appreciate, and other such things that might set me off. And finding out just how to prepare is a matter of trial and error. For instance, if nobody so much as greets me over voice chat, I do not announce my departure once I'm done listening. I'm not enabling one-way courtesy. If people get argumentative, something I'd like to try is responding with a mere, "Oh, that's interesting," and leaving it at that. Scolding is the hardest to deal with, I really want to say to somebody live, "no need to get snippy," or, "look, I'm willing to cooperate, but please do not raise your voice at me like that," and if they get angry or object, just hang up. If somebody tries to get edgy or brings up politics, just excuse myself from the conversation (assuming they acknowledged me in the first place). And if my friends are mistreated, I would say to him, "well, they could have been a lot more polite/tactful."

There are definitely people who won't like this. I might even get banned from a few groups and servers, so that's something I also ought to brace myself for. I left telegram (except for one exceptionally nice group) because apart form having a practically worthless blocking feature, my account was put on lockdown for confronting people privately. Speaking of which, I wholeheartedly reject that doing so was a violation of people's personal space. Putting my account on lockdown was crossing a line for me. I often whish I had complained to the app managers… but that, again, is something meditation enables me to release my grip on. Why include it at all? As an example of what the thought process looks like.

And that is not to say that my means of preparing for the above-mentioned scenarios is set in stone. I will have to adjust them with experience. And I also need to follow certain principles, like, don't go talking on voice chat when I'm in a bad mood; regularly review rules; keep an eye out for the less friendly authority figures; bear in mind that self-centered conversation is the norm, furry or no.

"You say you want to release your grip on literally everything, but adhering to boundaries and principles sound pretty… well, gripping." Something are helpful to my personal growth, some things are not. It's those things that are getting in my way that I need to let go of. "But you said everything. Are you going to correct that?" Boundaries should be flexible, not held in a grip; and principles, as far as I can tell, are absolute, but they are not things you should (or even could) tighten your grip on. They should be balanced against one another, for instance, I should answer good faith questions, but I shouldn't fall into the trap of "last-word" contests. "Well, looks like that's what you're doing here." That's nice, dear. "There it is again, an attempt at getting the last word! Have you no self-awareness at all?"

Some people are trying to move into my mind to live rent-free in my mind. Only this year have I learned this is a way to evict them. And that is through meditation.

I still tend to ruminate about relationships that didn't work out. Everyday, something about a job or a social group I left crops up, and I think, "Why didn't I just let that slide?" or "Why didn't I argue more ferociously?" or "Why didn't I walk away sooner?" I also worry about future interactions. What if somebody who doesn't like me starts spreading rumors about me? What if I want to go to a convention and the staff kick me out because I suddenly have a terrible reputation? What if the only way to make new friends is to pretend as though I agree that I'm always in the wrong during a dispute?

The fact is, other people's responses are outside of my control. Many things I did back then, I wouldn't do again because they didn't get my message across. I stay out of situations where nothing I say is going to be helpful, and keep wary of anyone who acts uppity. But I still have to remove the frustration and injustice of it all from my mind. I think I found a way to do that.

When I meditate, I don't sit up. I lie down. I always look for the smallest component of my free will, and observe its participation in the forgone-argument cycle. I permit it to unclench whatever point it's holding onto. As for further points of contact (thoughts and feelings associated with the memory), I softly maneuver around the contours like a surfboard on the waves.

That is the best way I can describe it. I've been meditating since January of 2019, and it's taken me this long just to get to this point. I would like to share this with other people. I have several friends who are just unhappy all of the time, and I can't convince them to take the proper action or seek the right kind of support. And my journey towards healing didn't start with meditation. I still had to go through several difficult times, jobs I didn't like, facing my own shortcomings, letting dead-end friendships die, and I know for sure that there are some hard times ahead. The difference is in my awareness. I'm aware of the parts of my suffering that I'm creating for myself.

So, after a busy week with commissions, birthday gifts, and a freakin ant invasion, I've decided to start writing on paper instead of the computer. I'll still be posting drawings, and I'm still open for commissions, but looking at the PC while trying to write just gives me a headache. I'll be posting the rest of the unmasking cast next week. Then I'll be alternating between An Arizona Fairy Tail and horror stories. That bear transformation sequence proved to be exceptionally popular, although, truth be told, it didn't come easy. Still, I'll be working on exercises suchlike in between NoSleep submissions and completed chapters of AFT.

In my ToS, I include a type of subscriber bonus wherein every $100 you commission me, I will draw/write/compose a bonus work (line-art, 2000 words, or 32 measures of 5 instruments). Like a punch card, it's going to be up to you to show me the commission I made for you, along with the date I made it; Because prior to 2018, I did charge less for drawings.

It's very likely that I will have remembered you; I haven't had enough clients to have forgotten anyone. What I have lost track of is how much you have all paid me. Some of you are already eligible for a free drawing (or a discount on your next drawing, this is a negotiable area), but I do need you to show me what I've drawn you and inform me of how much you've paid for it. Traded drawings are not applicable.

I have apparently developed a second round of kidney stones. I'll still be working on my in-progress commissions and take new ones (remember, I don't read anything that doesn't have a meaningful subject line, something like "commission" or "price question" or even "do you do different styles"), it'll just take a little longer than usual.

I most likely won't be uploading more of my Unmasking characters until I get over this. I've seen some evidence that it's on its way out, so with any luck, I won't be in pain for any longer than a few more days.

I'm still open for commissions. Just be sure, if you send me a note, to include an informative subject line. Even if you don't want a commission and you notify me, I need that subject line. No small talk, please. And be sure to read my terms of service for details regarding what I accept.

Hiya Foofs.

Just a reminder that if you send me a note, even if it's not a commission, don't forget the subject line. Otherwise, I won't know whether or not it's spam.

Always floofty,
~Jay

Hey guys. Just a reminder that I'm still open for commissions. I don't have a limited number of slots, just make sure to mention it in the subject line.

And I'll be on haitus for a few days until I can get another one. Most likely, nobody will have noticed with my upload rate, but I did want to let you know just in case it takes longer than expected.

Therefore, upload rate will be even more scarce than normal. Damn. And just when I got a good system going too. Until I manage to adjust to this (which rumor tells me lasts about a month and a half, and it all started 6/20) I'm gonna have to do all my stuff on paper.

Speaking of which, my crappy craptop is becoming picky about the way i plug in the power cord. I don't know if i want to order another power cord just yet until i figure out what other things might be wrong with it.

I'm looking for a way to turn this kidney thing into a learning opportunity, a way to view agony in a different manner. It's just that the feeling like someone is trying to shove a baseball bat through my ab is a challenge beyond my ability to accommodate. I wish i could swallow that spaceship from asteroids so it could shoot the damn thing. But... you know, that wish just int coming true.

And now there's a fucking gnat trying to initiate foreplay. This is not my day.