Removed what i had to say..... don't want drama or flaming..... don't want any problems...
I just wanna see things get better and their not.

I made a Koopa AV in Second Life recently.. i wanted to be anthro again for a long time.. but... i had to pick something i wanted to be for a change.. something that felt like me.. and for a long time i wanted to be something reptilic... so.. here i am..

Trouble i'm having is.. getting noticed.. everywhere i go.. i don't think people like the Koopa..
Kinda wondering if anyone knows where a koopa could fit in..

*sighs*

Okay so like.. My sister got the message when i came close to moving out... she's now got a job.
But i'm still moving out.
In fact, someone needs a room mate.. someone my cousin knows.. she only wants 300 a month...that's good in my book.
So i am gonna get off of under my mom's roof for a change... try this thing called independence once more.. tried it already before in the past.. but the rent was killing me lol.
Anyhow.. trying again.. going to be living in an actual neighborhood.. as appose to by the damn freeway.

I feel unsure of all this though.... it does scare me a bit... dunno why.. just does.

Anyhow.. just figured i would update others on the situation.

Well... i thought i was moving.. i thought everything was fucking looking up... but no... i get a letter today saying my credit is bad, so i can't move there... i don't know what the fuck to do anymore... i'm sick of fucking living here... i wanna live alone!!
Or i at least don't want to fucking live with my mom and sister anymore... god.. great.. now i'm fucking crying...

I don't know what the fuck to do.... it's like their is no fucking way out!!

-UPDATE-

Seems what caused it is my brother down in Texas not paying the phone bill, and me now owing 297$!
So for the next 6 months, i have to pay that bill off.. and i gotta call my brother and have him get the phone out of my name and into his.

So like... i woke up to my mom saying i had a phone call on her phone.. i was happy to hear it was from the apartments i applied for, they have an opening and i'm up on the list next. I was half asleep when she talk to me.. but my god.. it's the best news i have gotten in a long time..... as much as i love my mom and sister, i am FUCKING GOING NUTS LIVING WITH THEM BOTH!!!!!

So... won't be long till i'm living alone... i hate living alone.. but yet... i hate living with more than one person.. it stresses me the fuck out.

It will be nice to live on my own and be able to put what the fuck i want in the damn fridge for a change... to organize shit how the fuck i see fit... to be able to cook for me and not fucking have to eat food loaded with salt or too many spices...
It will be good to take a fucking shower without worrying about others taking one.

Also, it will be good to get away from temptation, cause i am trying to cut out sugary things... like ice cream.. and so forth.. and their are just way too many temptations living here.

So i'm relieved.... i was worried i was going to do something horrible living here.. i can have quite now... well i hope it's quite where i am moving anyhow.. i was told it would be... we will see.

So just thought i would share how i'm feeling... i feel like the weight of the world has been lifted... and it feels good.

Ever felt like... you were more or less used?
Like.. no one wants you for anything except for on their own terms?
I feel like that living where i live...

And i'm sorry that my journals consist of me being upset and bitching... i just wanna let things out... also.. unlike others out there.. i won't get upset if anyone trys to sympathize with me... i welcome it.. if you been through anything like i have.. i wanna hear it.... i wanna know i'm not alone... it would hurt less..

Every time i try and help with things like cooking.. i get treated like shit... the only time i am wanted for anything is shit like dishes... like i'm not capable.... it pisses me off... i fucking hate my sisters cooking...
She never cooks rice long enough.... she overloads shit with salt..

I miss when it was only me and my mom here.. and now.. i just want to live alone.... in fact i can't wait to be alone.. even die alone..... because then i don't have to put up with bullshit from anyone else.....

I really hate living... i do....

This world is filled with assholes... all of them.. even my own family.. i'm starting to hate them.....

God.. i don't know what to do.... and my head feels like it wants to explode....gah..

I am starting to see now why people kill themselves in this world.... specially if they were in my situation... it feels like their is no other way out.. and no one understands.....

I tried listening to music... and all kinds of other things...... nothing is helping... i just want to run far away.....

For the last week or so.. i have been so depressed.... and angry.
I don't know what to do.... i want to just run and hide.
But i can't....

It hurts... i can't relax... nor can i seem to get myself in a situation where i am happy.
I live off the side of the freeway... and i mean RIGHT off he side... i can hear the traffic plain as day.

It get's hot in this mobile home i'm in even with the AC on.. it's killing me.

Then their are my neighbors.... some times have their bass so damn high my bedroom vibrates... it's driving me nuts to.

It does not help that... when i moved to this state.. i was excepting to live someplace nice like morehead city.
I end up living... in a way .. out in the middle of nowhere.

It's as bad as when i was living in texas.... far from anything in walking distance... unless i want to walk 5 miles or so.

I just don't know what to do..

I would look for a room mate someplace.. but.. i don't know if i could find one who likes things quiet like i do.

Next month i plan to move out on my own, come hell or high water.

I can't handle the stress of being here..... i'm not happy.. and i'm so close to... doing something... bad.

Even as i write this, i'm crying hard.

I'm sick of the anxiety... and sick of nothing getting done.

Sick of the noise...

I even have to put up with noise from my mom and sister.... they like to turn the TV in the living room up so loud my ear drums feel like they're going to bust... cause it seems that they can't hear.


I am just.. at a total loss..... not even sure why i am posting this... i guess as a way to vent it out...
I don't know what else to do.

What's worse is.. it turns out that .. um... how do i say this?... Women or men.. don't want someone who has ANY kind of health issues... or who is forced to live off a government check.

It almost seems like no one falls inlove anymore.. it's all about the money...
So.. because i'm not loaded.... i'm not going to find someone... and thus.. could end up being alone for the rest of my life.... even dieing alone.

Their are just so many things going on... i keep wishing the pain inside would end..... and that i was normal like others...

I got something for Christmas that... is going to help me a lot..

I got a Bamboo tablet!
I can now more easily draw art, and might start posting my own art here! ^_^

Also got some cool movies, and a game.

But i was so happy with the tablet, i was hugging my cousin who gave it to me, crying my eyes out for like 5 minutes.. it was the greatest gift i got today.

The game i got was Duke Nukem Forever.. and yeah i know.. it keeps getting bad reviews and everyone hates it, but i am enjoying it.. my own gripe, is how slow the mouse is, and you can only turn the mouse speed up to 10, sucks... otherwise it's fun.

I am hoping others had as good of a Christmas as me.. it's not the greatest Christmas i have ever gotten.. but it's no where near as bad as some of the worse ones i have had.

I hope the rest of you had a VERY good Christmas!

I painted a picture of my persona i play as, but since it looks so much like my SL avatar, i don't need it traced back and me ban form here over it, so i'm gonna post it someplace else and link to it in this post for people to see it, give them a better idea of my AV....
Sadly, FA's rules are SO strict i can't risk posting it here and being ban, i got too many friends here to be ban.
Actually, i need to know a place to upload first, afterwards i will update this Journal with a link to the image.. i only hope THIS is not against some rules ...

Here, i hope people can view this, i posted it someplace some might have to join to view it.
http://www.futanaripalace.com/attac.....p;d=1320267472

Today was my birthday, and nothing happen, i went out and ate something, that was about it, i did not even get any kind of gift..
I have been depressed the majority of the day.... i will be happy in a few more minutes cause the day will be officially over, and i can be happy again.. birthdays are rarely ever that great with me.. sadly.