My hard drive died last Thursday, so I had to buy a new one on Halloween. I spent a lot of the day attempting to reinstall Windows, but kept running into issues. I don't feel like getting into all the issues I had to deal with, but my last issue with installing Windows was with the program I used to install it, Rufus. The program created a partition on my USB, and I was using the wrong partition to try to install it. I feel this situation and what I tried should have been more frustrating than it was. I don't recall being frustrated at all, though. I just spent a lot of time reading and watching Hell's Kitchen while lying on the floor, trying to gain the motivation to continue. I'd work on it a bit and then stop each time there was a setback. I assume a lot of that behavior had to do with taking a break from Adderall that day lol.

Anyway, I am currently reinstalling Clip Studio Art. I hate struggling to motivate myself to draw. I probably need a different approach/mentality about it all. I feel too guilt-ridden and frustrated with myself when I don't draw. I recall yesterday, I decided against drawing because I had already planned on playing Cult of the Lamb. It didn't even cross my mind that I could have done both. Even if it did, I imagine myself very likely to feel a strong resistance to the idea. Earlier this year, I had made a point to read books and draw more, yet I've found it easier to consistently read books than to consistently draw. I assume it is because reading requires less resistance and frustration. Art isn't always frustrating, but the desire to improve, along with the frustration of struggling even with straight lines cripples it.

In order to cope with work, I've been trying various strategies. Recently, hanging out in VRChat appears to be the most effective. This prompted me to try to remember why I stopped playing VRChat in the first place. I believe I stopped shortly after spending my vacation on VRChat. Stopping was partly due to it not feeling satisfying to get on and partly because it contributed to my feeling dissatisfied with where I am in life. Searching for people to interact with was like sifting through YouTube videos without an algorithm, and most of the videos were shitposting that I don't even remotely like. This dissatisfaction led me to give up video games entirely for about four months.

So, the fact that playing VRChat is now a positive experience makes me wonder what's different. Why am I finding the interactions more engaging? Why am I more willing to interact with strangers? Before, VRChat made me feel more alone than when I was just by myself. Now, it does what social interactions are typically supposed to do: it alleviates feelings of loneliness. I'm not really sure of the answer, and perhaps I might add the answer at a later date, but I wanted to write this down. I think that posting my thoughts in a journal like this helps motivate me to do so.

I do a lot of random note taking and will attempt to systematize thoughts until I get bored. This is one of those instances where I decided to create a tier list of my values. One of my main reasons for creating this was because I didn't want to be influenced drastically by my political/social tribe on issues. I feel there are a lot of double standards based on whether someone is part of the "in-group" or not, and I didn't want to be someone with those double standards.

Anyway, this is mostly an impulse post. Maybe I cause use this journal to log some things and perhaps it will motivate me to complete my notes if I am posting it. It also allows me to test out the Journal feature for the first time.

Tier 1 (Highest Priority)

Authenticity – Actions, words, and thoughts in perfect alignment.
Open-Mindedness – Willingness to consider new ideas and perspectives
Intimacy – Prioritizing deep and meaningful emotional connections
Growth – Constant self-improvement and development
Curiosity – Desire to explore and learn about the unknown
Creativity – Expressing and exploring new ideas and forms

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Tier 2 (Highly Important)

Practicality - Prioritizing realistic and efficient approaches to achieve goals.
Discipline – Sticking to goals and routines for long-term benefit
Knowledge – Pursuit of understanding and intellectual development
Playfulness – Valuing fun, humor, and lightheartedness
Resilience – Overcoming obstacles and enduring hardship
Autonomy - Valuing the ability to make independent decisions and control one's own life.
Aesthetics – Valuing beauty, design, or sensory appeal in life

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Tier 3 (Moderate Importance)

Freedom – Valuing the ability to make your own choices
Loyalty – Commitment to people, causes, or values you care about
Innovation – Creating or valuing new, groundbreaking ideas
Ambition – Pursuing high achievement and setting challenging goals
Acceptance - Embracing things as they are, without unnecessary struggle or resistance.
Security – Prioritizing stability, safety, and predictability in life


In my notes, I added a lot of other info about myself for reference. I'll be adding these here:

Relationship needs:

Companionship – I want someone who values physical presence, loves cuddling, and enjoys watching anime or shows together.
Physical Connection – Affectionate and touchy, with the confidence to take the lead romantically.
Intellectual Depth – Someone who enjoys deep conversations, shares my sense of humor, and can engage with my interests.
Emotional Security – Honest, direct, and reliable, creating a safe and supportive bond.
Sex - For obvious reasons lol.