mattcatt is my new home. I've had a lot of fun being Jerry over the years, but I feel it's time to move on. Like I've said before, though, I may still draw him and related characters on occasion, I just need a new focus as it were.

I've gone ahead and watched most of the people I'm closest to, or who I still want to keep following. Sorry if I missed you, but feel free to watch me over there now. ^_^

I don't know how many have noticed, but I've been relatively quiet lately. The best way to sum it up is, things have gotten worse for me mentally. I've had several times where I lose my awareness of time, which doesn't matter anyway because I don't care for the concept, but matters because I don't do anything to fill in that lack of time. It's gotten to the point that I feel like a waste of space as a person, and the logical solution would be to start making myself more useful (which I've been attempting), but that I feel like a waste of a person in general. I barely even recognize myself anymore. I just feel like an empty shell.

I think one of the causes is my presence on here. I've been Jerry for five years now, and although I can still hear his voice in my head at times, I've been focusing on others as well. It's funny how I thought I would've gotten over this problem by now, especially after my brief run as Daniel, but it still persists. I feel like I need something new, fresh. Jerry is still here, but he feels more like an old book that I've read dozens of times.

Perhaps some of it also has to do with me feeling like I can rekindle old friendships as someone else, but at the core it's still me. When I see any trace of myself, I feel disgusted. It feels like scum. I cringe when I see my comments on things anymore, to the point where I don't comment, or if I do my brain freezes and I can only manage small things.

So what does this mean? I don't know. Maybe it's time to move on, or maybe it's time to bury the hatchet completely. I'm not entirely sure.

“Jerry, please hurry up and put your shoes and socks on, or we're going to be late meeting Kin and his mommy at the playground!” said Jerry's mommy as she took his empty cereal bowl and cup into the kitchen.

“But Rupert still needs to finish his cereal!” Jerry complained, pointing to the little white teddy bear sitting in the chair beside him with a small plastic bowl containing a small bit of dry cereal.

Jerry's mommy sighed and smiled, “That doesn't mean you can't be getting ready while he eats.”

“Uh-huh! I gotta watch him, 'cause he might knock it over since he doesn't like that kind,” the little chipmunk explained.

“I thought yesterday you said you did that,” Kelsey commented.

Jerry shook his head, “Rupert blamed me! It was really him, but he doesn't like getting in trouble and he didn't wanna throw it in the garbage since he was told not to do that because some little teddy bears might not have food.”

“Just put your shoes and socks on, sweetie, and we'll go once Rupert finishes his cereal,” she replied, patting Jerry on the head.

I have nothing else to say.

Or even just a regular trade. I just need something to drag me out of my rut.

I almost missed it! I still technically did since it's 1 AM, but today/yesterday (June 3rd) was my 5th FA-versary! Yaaay! ^,^

Also Jerry is still turning five on the 8th, and I am contemplating what to do for it. I haven't really been too active lately. Sorry for that, but my brain has been elsewhere.

So yeah, yay!

So a lot of things have happened this past week. I got in touch with a friend of mine from elementary school who I found out is MtF transgender. She and her boyfriend (who is FtM, like me) took me to the transgender support group here last Monday, which was amazing. We went to the group, then went out for coffee with a few of the people from the group, and then the three of us got McDonald's on the way home.

That was probably the best night ever for me. It gave me something I've been needing for a long time: validation. I knew I couldn't be the only trans person in this city, but I had never had the opportunity to meet another face-to-face before, and I felt really alone.

I bought a chest binder (for those who don't know, it's basically this undershirt-type thing that flattens... chest parts) earlier this week and made plans to go to the mall last Saturday with said MtF friend to "test it out". We did that, and it was pretty cool. The binder wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, but it's definitely not something to wear too often. Moderation.

Sorry I haven't been too active here lately, and likely won't be for a while. I've started a new, more mature, story, but it probably won't be posted here. Those interested can read the first chapter on my journal-blog thing: http://kyemon.dreamwidth.org/81079.html

Apart from that, hope everyone is having a good weekend!

- Jerry

I spilled coffee on my scanner yesterday and it is most likely dead. My dad's going to try and see if it can be fixed, but part of me wants to just get a new one. The one I was using was already a good 6-7 years old and the cover was broken off. I imagine it was probably towards the end of its lifespan, anyway.

So yeah, no art from me anytime soon, unless I do something completely digitally.

I don't normally post things like this, but  lilchu was one of the first furry artists I started watching, and one of the ones whose style made me wanna keep drawing. >w<

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4588735/

I haven't posted a new journal in about month, and I don't have anything particularly significant to say, so I'll share this instead:

Because I haven't posted anything in a while.

1. What is your natural hair color?
Dark brown.

2. Where was your ID pic taken?
In some random green abyss!

3. What's your middle name?
Leonard.

4. Your current relationship status?
Single.

5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
No, not in that way.

6. What is your current mood?
Pretty good. ^.^

7. What's the color of your underwear?
Green. =P

8. What is one thing that makes you happy?
Cats!

9. Who was the last person you cuddled with?
My cat, Amber.

10. If you could go back in time, and change something what would it be?
I probably wouldn't, butterfly effect and all.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day?
Maybe a cat.

12. Ever had a near death experience?
I nearly drowned when I was 7.

13. Something you do a lot?
Drawing!

14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
“Dance with the Devil” by Breaking Benjamin.

15. Who did you copy and paste this from?
 zee-zee!

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
My brother's ex-girlfriend.

17. When was the last time you cried?
Earlier this week.

18. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Yes, for my kindergarten recital. I might have since then, but I can't remember.

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Transformation/shapeshifting.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Eh... I tend to not 'notice' things like that.

21. What's your biggest secret?
I have too many secrets. =P

22. What's your favorite color?
Red!

23. When was the last time you lied?
I can't remember.

24. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
From time-to-time, sure. ^.^

25. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Nothing.

26. What's your favorite smell?
Cologne, oddly enough.

27. If you could describe life in one word what would it be?
Subjective.

28. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
Yesterday.

29. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
Nope.

30. What are you thinking about right now?
Nothing in particular

31. What should you be doing?
Schoolwork, probably...

32. What was the last thing that made you upset?
I'd rather not talk about it.

33. Do you like working in the yard?
Sometimes.

34. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
I'd probably keep my own.

35. Name 5 things in your closet:
Clothes, boxes, board games, a DDR mat... not sure what else.

36. Do you act different around your crush?
Probably.

37. When was the last time you slept with a stuffed animal?
I sleep with several on my bed, but I don't really cuddle them or anything.

38. How many times do you take a shower a week?
Varies, really.

39. Do you brush your teeth everyday?
I try to, but sometimes I forget.

40. Have you ever said something stupid in front of your crush?
Eh...

41. Have you ever watched a hockey game?
No, but I want to.

42. Do you lie about your age?
Nah.

43. Ever been jealous about something stupid?
Probably.

44. Do you pick your nose?
Sometimes. >.>

45. What's the one food you hate?
Most beans.

46. What's the one junk food you cant live without?
Ice cream.

47. How old were you when you found out Santa was fake?
9-ish.

48. Have you ever blown your nose and looked inside the napkin?
Yep, when my nose was bleeding.

49. Describe your favorite underwear you have?
I don't really have a favorite...

50. Did you lie in any of these questions?
Yes... wait, no! Wait... maybe.

Just a simple journal to get that other one off my front page, and also let everyone know I'm doing okay even though I haven't been too active.

Also, I'm running out of pages in my sketchbook, so I've been wondering, what kind of sketchbooks do you guys (who are artists) like using best? Thicker paper, or thinner? Does it even matter? The one I'm using now is like this, and it works pretty well. The paper isn't too thin and it's got a lot of space, so I can fit 2 or 3 drawings on one page (depending on how big they are, obviously).

It's six AM, and I haven't slept. I've spent the better part of the past three hours or so browsing YouTube for documentaries on transgender people (mostly children), and it occurred to me that I've never really talked about my own, personal experiences regarding it. This is mainly because I figure there is no point to it, since I don't hide who I am online. I have no need to officially 'come out' - the transfurs and FtM groups in my journal footer are enough for anyone who views my page to know.

When I first started this account in 2008, I presented myself as a cisgender (basically, not transgender; 'biological') male. This was before I even fully realized that was what I was, and at the time thought myself to be some freaky tween (I was 13) chick who pretended to be a guy on the internet, because maybe she wished she was. I learned about FtM (female-to-male) transmen a year later, from an episode of Maury my mom had left on the TV, and everything seemed to click immediately

It wasn't until 2010 when I started really exploring the idea of being transgender. I had spent the past few months in a relationship with a straight guy who I had convinced myself I loved enough to be a girl for him. Naturally, that didn't work out too well, but once I was out of that I was free to be who I wanted online. I joined a support site for transpeople, and a lot of the guys on there helped me figure out just what it meant to be a transman. For the first time, I didn't feel like I was a freak because pretty much every one of them felt similar things to what I had always felt.

Things went well online, but of course there was the real world. In 2009 (pretty much around the time I first learned about being trans) I switched from public school to homeschool, so there wasn't that to deal with, but there was still my parents. The majority of my family is Southern Baptist, which automatically presents a red flag, but my parents have never really pushed religion. I was raised to believe in God and heaven and whatnot, but we never went to church or anything like that. Long story short, my parents drew the "when you're 18 you can do whatever you want, but while you're in our house you're how we see you," card.

I figured that was fine, because what was another three years? The problem was, the Internet was (and still is) my only outlet. When I first started going on forums at age 10, and realized I could present myself as male and no one would know, I was hooked instantly. I slowly started shutting out the 'real world' in favor of the one where I could be free, which was part of the reason I switched to homeschooling once I started highschool. It eventually got to the point where the only regular, physical, human contact I ever got was my parents (and occasionally my extended family).

Quite honestly, the past three years feel like they were only months because so little had changed, and not much happened. My brain feels like it was frozen until very recently, age-wise. It's one of the reasons I freak out when I realize I'll be eighteen in five months, because mentally I still feel 15 (at most). I look around on FaceBook, and I see people my age talking about driving and having jobs and relationships, and preparing for college, and I think, "I should be on that same level...", but I'm not.

Anyway, this is getting long, and I haven't even really expressed my thoughts on actually being transgender. It's definitely not something I'd choose had I been given the option, but I feel like it has, and will continue to, presented me with opportunities that I otherwise would not have experienced. The reason I'm posting this? I managed to somehow 'unlock' the chains on my mental growth sometime earlier this year, and I guess I've been in a more reflective mood. I managed to come out to some people in real life, and it feels like finally the ball is rolling.

Thanks to anyone who managed to read all of this. I know it was a lot.

- Jerry/Matt (along with any other name I've ever used)

So I've been doing a lot of doodles lately, but most of them have been in a notebook with lined paper. I want to post them, but I'm not sure if the lines will obscure the drawings too much, and I'm not sure of a way to get rid of them easily. Do people still want to see them?

Well, I wouldn't know. That was only the year I was born - I don't remember it. x3

Just a random silly journal. I have 1995 favorites now, so thanks to all who have favorited my stuff. It means a lot to me. ^.^

So I was thinking about my previous journal. I'm not going to make everything 100%, because nothing ever is, but I have a rough idea of what I need to do. I don't think 'officially' taking a break from FA is really necessary, because FA is not the source of my stresses - if anything, it's what provides me relief because I can draw and write and escape my reality (when I am able to draw and write, at least).

Much of the reason I've been stressed is because I'm almost always alone, but when people try to actually talk to me I find it difficult to connect with them most of the time. I have a lot of trouble with smalltalk ('Hi, how are you' 'Fine, thanks, you?' 'Fine') because it leaves me feeling like I should say more, but I'm not sure what. In real life it's much worse. I'm homeschooled, so the most human contact I get is usually only my parents. The last time I went out with someone my own age, apart from family, was a year ago, and often when I try to reconnect it ends up going nowhere. It's like my world is confined to the four walls of my bedroom, and those walls are slowly getting smaller and smaller.

There are a lot of solutions to this problem, but often they end up presenting 'if's' or 'but's', and it's just really difficult to work around.

So yeah, that's what's up with me.

So first off, I want to say I'm not looking for sympathy or pity, I'm just personally stating exactly what has been going on in my head lately.

Lately I've been rather quiet on FA. Most of the time my inbox gets skimmed and nuked, unless something really catches my eye, and I feel like I have no energy. My mental state feels like it's slipping, to the point where my dreams have become very vivid and realistic, and occasionally a bit violent. I really have no clue what to do with myself, and I'm afraid that if I try and ask for help people will say I am being a whiny teenager who needs to get over themselves.

I don't really feel the energy to be 'Jerry' right now. Or do... really anything, except put my brain on autopilot so that at least the necessary tasks get completed.

So maybe I should stay away from FA for a while. I doubt anyone would have noticed had I not said anything, since I tend to go AWOL every now-and-then, but... I don't know.

So I recently got this idea to hold 'secret raffles', because I like the idea of randomly surprising someone with something without them knowing it there was even a possibility for it. Every-so-often I'll post a journal (or maybe a submission), and everyone who comments gets put into a numbered list, and after a certain amount of time (usually a few days to give more people a chance to comment) I'll randomly generate a number. I decided to test this on my previous journal. I only selected one winner this time, since it was just a test run, but in the future I may do more.

The winner for my first raffle iiis:  kaffre!

Feel free to comment or note me with what you want. ^.^

Thousand page views, that is. Thanks for everyone for viewing my page so many times. ^.^

Not much to say, but hope everyone has an awesome day. <3 I woulda drawn something for today, but my brain has been in a fog. >:

Hmmm... :3c

Edit:  baby_bleu found it! It's called Playground Sports. :3

First of all, please only reply if you have any idea what game I'm talking about. I understand you're trying to be polite by saying "No, I don't know, sorry" but that is really not helpful for me right now...

There's a game I'm looking for that I used to play as a kid, that I can't remember the name of. Here's what I remember about it:

-It was a playground game where you could play different sports/games. Some of the ones I remember were jump rope, tag, dodgeball, kickball, and basketball (and no, it was not any of the Backyard Sports games).

-I played it in the early 2000's on my old Windows 98 computer. I'm going to say 2004 at latest, so it was likely released sometime between 2000 and 2003.

-It was 3D.

-One of the kids' names was Myles (random detail, I know, buuut...)

Thanks in advance. Hopefully someone knows of this game...

So I got lots of advice on my last journal, which was nice. I really want to work on more stuff involving my namesake on here (Jerry; I don't really consider any of my characters a full-on 'fursona' anymore because they all represent parts of me and they all feel like fursonas in a way) and I have a few ideas for pictures. Also, I have a few ideas for some minor changes with him, appearance-wise. I'm still going along with turning him 5 in June, but these are minor changes that will probably start happening now:

1. Nose color -
Lately I've drawn Jerry with a skin-colored nose, versus the black one he used to have. Part of me thinks this looks a bit more natural, since chipmunk noses are really much different than the standard black furry nose. I tried to draw him with an actual chipmunk nose, but it didn't work out as well, so I figured this was the next best thing...

2. Wardrobe -
Not really a 'change' so much, but I've been thinking about drawing out a full wardrobe for Jerry (and maybe my other characters, eventually). I think doing things like that adds a bit of consistency to a character, and also means I won't have to worry about not thinking of an outfit idea.

3. Story -
Again, not a change, but I really want to write another Jerry story before he turns 5, because I haven't in a looong time, but I really don't know what to make it about. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to post them. ^.^;

And that's about it. Sorry for the somewhat long journal, but I had a lot to say for once. Hope everyone's having a good day. ^.^

Lately I feel like my art is getting stale. Most of what I have been posting has been character pictures, where the poses aren't very dynamic, and I probably don't put as much effort in them as I should. Yet when I try to do something a bit more daring, it doesn't work. I get frustrated with it, and it ends up sitting unfinished.

So, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone might have any tips to counteract this. I've been thinking of starting a new project, but I would have to wait a bit since my sketchbook is nearly full.

Suddenly it's super cold here. x.x I'm usually never cold, but I can't stop shivering even though the heat is on. Dx

*huddles up with his sleeper and blankets*