Hello. I guess I haven't been on here for a while. I've got a big thing that's almost ready so keep watching, it might pay off.

And if the person who I've hurt recently reads this. I'm sorry. I never meant to. Life just got away from me.

I never realized how much I went on here until it went down.

So I think I finally found something I'm good at.

I was on Steam recently and I saw some stuff for DOTA 2. The international championship just ended and I noticed that the winning team got a mad amount of cash. So out of curiosity I looked it up and it turns out that game's free. So I gave it a try. I've been trying to play 1 round every night just to practice and see if I'm any good. Well as it looks I am. So far I only really know how to play as Sniper, but I can usually hold my own against 2 or 3 other players. Other players around my level even remember my name and are glad to see me when we're on the same team.

I know it's probably nothing, and honestly I wish I'd be better at things like art and doing actual work. But who knows, this might be worth something?

well that about sums up my life lately. I've been wanting to do alot of drawing, designing, and practice coding. But I'm just so busy for most of the day I can't find myself motivated enough to do anything at night when I've finally got the time to. I mean sometimes I just sit here at night and stare at the wall until someone messages me and snaps me out of it. Not because I want to or that I find it enjoyable, I just can't get motivated. I guess I just like the fact that I'm the only one awake and I don't have to deal with the tension that's usually around my house. But why would that just make me space out like that?

I saw a friend of mine do one of these to explain their fursona. I liked how it looks so I decided to copy her ^ ^

what is the name of your fursona?
John Shadowblade

• Where did the name of your Fursona come from?
John is my real name, and well it is my fursone. The Shadowblade part comes from a story I wrote a long time ago, where he cast off his last name to put his past behind him and adopted the name of a clan of outcasts that took him in.

• What species is your fursona and why did you choose that species?
He's actually a mix of arctic, grey, and red fox.

Why: The arctic speaks to how I feel alot more at home in the snow than most people I know.
The grey is because I use to love to do things like climb trees and unlike others I had no problem with heights.
The red is because it's really the only kind I've ever seen. It's also a reminder that I'm a part of something more common. And I'm not completely alone.

Fur: Grey, black ear and tail tips, white belly muzzle socks and gloves.
Why: I use to draw with nothing but pencil so it seemed appropriate, but it also spoke to my attempted subtlety. I use to be a lot louder and the guy who wanted people to notice me. It didn't work out so nice so now I just stick to the background and just try and be who I am around people I trust.

Eyes: Light blue/silver
Why: My real eyes are blue and actually tend to change shades. Whether it's based off lighting, color of my clothes reflecting, or something else I don't know.

• What is your fursona's personality and how does this compare to your RL personality?
He's a confident person. Able to take command and rise to any challenge. Unfortunately I don't share his confidence. Though I'm able to attempt any sort of challenge that may come up, my ability to succeed in my endeavors is less than that of my fursona.

• What is one item your fursona owns that is significant to you in RL?
He actually has a few. A stuffed animal, a couple of gemstones, and a few letters.

• What is one thing you think you would say to your fursona if you could meet?
I would ask him how I could change. Just how I could really take charge of my life and make something of myself.

• What is one thing your fursona would say to you if you could meet?
I honestly wouldn't be able to tell.

• How has your fursona changed over the years?

Not many people know this, but when I was first working on him he started off as a snow leopard for the reasons listed under arctic fox above. But when I really started to examine who he is and what parts make him up I saw this as a much better fit.

• How long have you had this fursona?
I want to say about 2003.

• Would you like to be more like your fursona?
Yes. I'd like to look like him, but even personality wise he's still alot better than me. I actually feel alot more confident and I'm happier when I imagine I am him.

Hey people. Just posting to say I've officially got version Alpha.02 of my table top game out and I've even created a Patreon account. So if you want to get your hands on it just stop over here.

http://www.patreon.com/johnmerki

Now I know it's rough, but I plan on improving it. So go ahead and grab a copy for free to give a try. And if you end up liking it consider donating so I can actually get somewhere in my life!

Has anyone ever looked at a game like Mech Warrior, Steel Battalion, or even Titanfall and asked why not? Cause I'm actually thinking of making something like that. At least doing all the designing stuff and getting all the numbers down. And before you bring it up that Comic-con mech is just a costume, and the Kuratas isn't a real mech, it's a car with arms. I can't even think of doing the actual construction until I get a place of my own, but that doesn't mean I can't draw up the blue prints. If anyone is interested in helping out or already has some of the work done I'm happy to share my work.

Just this morning I found myself in a situation and I have to wonder if I just don't care about much anymore. I was driving to work and I spun out. I wasn't freaked out and I didn't think much of it. I didn't even put both hands on the wheel. My entire thought process was "damn... again?" It really didn't register that I almost flipped the car into the ditch until a little while later when I got into work. So I guess the question is am I just board of everything going on or do I not give a damn if anything happens? I guess working at a shipping company who's trying to fire me has got me to not care about alot, but I'm really looking forward to getting out of this place and getting a better job(For myself designing games) and thinking of that makes me actually think about things. So I could just be board beyond belief. I don't know.

If anyone wants to do something online let me know, or if you want in on my Skype Pathfinder style game let me know.

See ya later

geo means earth right? Like geologists study the earth. So then shouldn't geometry be the mathematics of the earth instead of the study of shapes?

Well I'm still looking for people to join up on my RPG. So hit me up on that. You wont be sorry.

But referring to the title I guess I can't be hypnotized. If you don't have ad block you might've noticed in the corner a thing for Hypnotic Beast. I've tried some of the little free clip things and most of them have given me a headache at the most, while some have claimed that it works great.

Except for the the "warm ambiance" style. I think I was actually starting to be relaxed or whatever it's trying to make you feel, but without the full thing I wouldn't know for sure.

I found I had the same effect with subliminal messaging tests. Ether no effect or a negative effect. I've even had someone do a pheromone style test. I could pick up on the fact that is was there, but I had no reaction to it. So basically those secret agents who have training and conditioning in the movies, I have that in real life. SO WHY WONT ONE OF THOSE PLACES HIRE ME?!?!?!

So far it's been an alright weekend. I'd like to apologize for my freakout in the last post. Sometimes life just sucks. All we can do is keep going and hope that tomorrow is a better day. and as  zombiefidefox told me not to long ago that I've got to keep faith that things will get better. No matter what she can always keep me going. Thank you Trisha.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm doing what I can to make my life better. On that note I plan on really getting going on my game design, do more writing, more art, and I also want to do something else.

Is anyone up for an RPG? Just an online deal that we can play online over skype. We can use D&D 3.5 or pathfinder rules and the setting can be ether fantasy or steampunk. Anthros of course, we can work out the stat modifiers later. We can work on the details after we get a few people to sign on, so if you're interested let me know and tell your friends. I'm looking for 3-6 people, but more or less would be cool as well.

I've just about had it. Just all this bullshit non stop is more than I can handle. I can't even talk to the people who make me feel a little better about myself. I really try to make things better for myself and my friends, but I only seem to make everything worse. Sure I make things better for some people a little once in a while, but then something usually happens to make things go back to 0 or even worse. and I'll admit it's my fault I keep messing things up. It will be until I suddenly realize what I've been doing wrong this whole time, or I break my promise to a friend and finally off myself to rid the world of my stupidity. And if you actually decided to read this dont worry, ever since my big mistake I made to cause the mess my life is in I keep my promises. If by chance any of you have a time machine to go back and fix that I'd like it more than you could think of.

Also, because this actually happened at work today and it bugs the hell out of me, if you ask me how my day is and I give you an answer other than good don't just say "then I'm not going to stick around you" and walk away. IF YOU'RE GOING TO ASK ME AND NOT LIKE THE FACT THAT I'M NOT PISSING RAINBOWS HAPPY THEN DON'T ASK ME. you can just say oh that sucks, and then ether just leave it at that or just listen to what's wrong. I don't expect you to solve everything for me, just don't make me feel more like shit. And don't pull the whole "I don't know what to tell you" BS. I'm not looking for someone to just hand me all the answers and if I think you're trying to tell me what to do that's just going to piss me off mroe

It's true. So many people I know drink it. They've got troubles and it's their way of coping with their lives. It's a way that I don't agree with and I've seen it destroy people. I've also made a promise to a person I really care about that I wouldn't use it without her around. That's why I'm not proud to say that I've almost just given in and just started drinking. Now I'm not one of those puritan people who hates everything to do with alcohol and fun of all kinds, but I don't understand why people use it to avoid problems. I think it should be a thing used to celebrate, not to drown your problems.

I'll also say that I've tried some now and then. Just to find out what kinds I like and what kind I don't so when I do get my life back on track and I can get out and have some fun. I can't really stand wine, but I finally found I enjoy a mix of Mt. Dew and rum. I've only had a sip and honestly it's not bad.

But getting on to my point, lately things in my life have gotten hard. And were it not for someone who has been there to remind me that I potentially have something to look forward to, I would probably just use what money I earn on booze to just try and forget where I am. Thanks to her however that money goes to something I feel alot better for. I'll admit I spent more than I'd probably like to on games, but it's just a little something that helps me and it doesn't come close to how much I would blow on even the cheap stuff.

Of course the year changes once I get use to it being 2013

Fall in love?: Have been for years.

Lose any friends?: In a way yes, but I question if they were to begin with.

Make any new friends?: A few

Make any new enemies?: Mostly just getting renewed reasons to despise old adversaries.

Do anything you regret?: plenty.

Go to any parties?: nope. But I have the promise of some in the future so that's worth something.

Accomplish anything?: Not really, but I'm working on it.

Make much money?: Not really. Whenever I feel like I'm getting ahead something happens and knocks me down to where I was.

Attend a wedding?: No

Attend a funeral?: Thank God no

Get any new family members?: nope

Get into a verbal fight?: plenty of times.

Get into a physical fight?: as much as I wanted to, no.

Attend any sporting events?: I actually saw my first this year. A Milwaukee Brewers game. I have to say it's alot more fun to actually be there than to watch.

Get arrested?: not yet

Wreck your car?: close

Make any big purchases?: I paid for college classes, and something else I think. I can't remember what.

Learn anything?: In the classroom, no. From a close friend of mine yes.

Dump your bf/gf?: No. I'd never do that.

Get dumped by your bf/gf?: Not this year.

Develop any new health problems?: Just got an infection of flesh eating bacteria.

Change as a person?: In progress. I know what I need to do, and how to do it. I just need to get to the point where I can go through with it.

Get any new piercings?: I've been considering it, but did you know the health standards here are so low that you can't even donate blood in any other states if you get a piercing or tattoo in Michigan? I'd rather not risk that.

Get any new tattoos?: See above on piercing.

Attend a concert?: No, that requires this place to actually have some sort of culture.

Start to resent something or someone that you used to like?: Never

In 2013, how many….

Different places did you work?: 2, but I finally left the crappier one. While I still hate my life I feel alot better after leaving it.

Times did you go out drinking?: none. I promised someone important to me that I wouldn't, and I only try a sip in a great long while to figure out what stuff I like so we can hang out in the future.

Times did you smoke marijuana?: While I believe in legalization, I myself can't use it. I'm allergic.

Drugs did you take?: I've got a better use of my time and money. and I promised someone special to me that I wouldn't do drugs. But if you mean medications I've had to start antibiotics.

Times did you go to the movies?: I can't, I've had problems staying awake recently and I can't justify paying for what could turn into a $10+ nap.

People did you make out with?: There's only 1 I'd like to, but she probably wouldn't want me.

People asked you out?: None

Times did you get your ass kicked?: none. I can be very intimidating when I need to be.

Crushes did you have?: 1

In 2013, what was….

Your favorite day of the year?: Any day I got to talk to a good friend of mine.

Your favorite band?: I was actually introduced to alot of new bands. The 2 biggest to me though have to be the Imagine Dragons and Steam Powered Giraffe.

Your least favorite day of the year?: when I got demoted at work and when I pissed off someone I wish I didn't

Your favorite movie?: I just realized that I haven't watched a movie in a great while.

Your favorite song of the year?: Honeybee

Something that didn’t change at all this year?: My feelings for my crush.

Your favorite holiday?: Halloween. My parents didn't stress out about the holiday and I didn't have to put up with being forced into a family gathering.

Misc. questions about 2013

Were you in a hospital this year?: Admitted into a the hospital? No Had to go in for an examination and for subsequent treatments? Yes

Were you in an ambulance this year?: No

Did you make any big confessions in ‘13?: Only ones that I've already said to the person it pertains to.

What’s the best thing to happen to you this year?: Something I don't know if I should say online.

Did you vote this year?: I can't stand any of the local choices for anything. I'm not even going to be here long enough so I said fuck it.

Did you bring sexy back this year?: Waiting for the opportunity to X3

Was 2013 a great year, an average year or a bad year?: At times I thought it would be pure bliss only to be brought back to reality, but other times I reveled in minor victories that felt like major accomplishments. In both I found valuable lessons to learn and make my life better. This year may provide what I desire, but if they happen it'll have to be by my hand.

I hope you had a good 2013. Lets try to make this year better.

Ok. I'm going to attempt to stream again tonight. 6PM eastern. If the one person who expressed interest shows I'll be playing SKyrim, if not be preppared for more Anno. once again the link: http://www.twitch.tv/jfoxie

Ok folks that first one didn't go over so nicely. After some bugs and an inturrupting phone call(seriously do I send up a beacon saying"HEY SOMEONE CALL AND BUG THE SHIT OUT OF ME NOW!" whenever I try recording?) I think I finally have this thing down. There's still some audio bugs, but that's due to a low quality mic. So tonight at 6PM eastern US time I shall bring you SKYRIM!!! be sure to tune in, cause sometimes I really suck at this game.

http://www.twitch.tv/jfoxie

EDIT: Sorry everyone. Some rather annoying and arbitrary stuff has come up. I'm going to be a little late starting the show, but I will be streaming soon.

EDIT EDIT: I'm so sorry. I've been dealing with some annoying things, but it should be taken care of now. I've only got about 20 minutes so I wont be starting Skyrim. but I will be tomorrow at about 6PM and I will get it this time. Nothing should come up. As for tonight please enjoy this continuation of Anno 2070

HELLO everyone. I'm going to do my first ever game live stream tonight. I've been messing with the software for a good while and I think I got it working properly. Don't hold me to that though, it usually decides to break itself at the last second. I plan to start at 10PM Eastern US time. And you can help me decide what to play. Here are the choices for tonight:

-Skyrim
-Anno 2070
-State of Decay
-The original X-com

voting ends half an hour before show time. I hope to see you all here: http://www.twitch.tv/jfoxie

so I'm going in to see if my infection cleared up. wish me luck.