I am too hard on myself. Thank you to those who reached out here and in DMs. I can see that people enjoy feederism and my stories. There are people of all sorts and sizes in this world, and I shouldn't pretend I don't like something to impress someone. And... I am trying to open myself up to try a more casual relationship. No matter what gender, or if it'll be one night. I am a hopeless romantic. I have always strived to obtain a relationship that would last forever and we would improve off of each other. Make a family, get a home, follow our dreams, and work through the hard times and the good. I guess the real world just doesn't work that way.

I think the reason I am a hopeless romantic is this: I saw my mother and father be in a horrible, abusive relationship. I wanted to kick both of them in the face by showing them that I could create a relationship they never had and be happy with a family of my own. I've stayed away from drugs and alcohol and pushed myself in school and work. And now I can't even get two lines into a chat on dating websites. Nobody cares about how far I've come because they can see I am unhappy. I don't think I'm going to understand what love is until I just throw myself at people and try things out. Because honestly, I don't know the first thing about love. I have been alone for a long, long time. I don't want to be the bitter person I was yesterday.

"Imagine falling in love with someone at a young age and ending up together for the rest of your life." This is something that I need to work on or else I am never going to improve. And I fully admit that I am jealous of those who have married and have what I want. Thing is, I could find that if I just tried doing something casual. I believe that those who have made it together have fully recognized who they are and are fully open about it with each other. I am just now starting to figure out who I am now that I have any modicum of stability. It is no wonder why I am still alone.

I need to find happiness doing what I love, whatever that may be. I am going to start loosening up. So, I am going to gain. I'm going to be loud. I like being lazy and playing video games. I enjoy writing, drawing, and music. Do the dishes need to be done? Does the grass need to be mowed? Not my issue, because I need to concentrate on myself. I can't keep carrying the world on my back and expect people to like me.

It has been a good three weeks for me in terms of finding myself. I have been journaling, practicing yoga, and meditating. But I am struggling. I have many issues that I have to contend with or else nothing will change.

My personality requires deep thought and leads with emotion. I am a natural born writer and it is something that has changed over the course of many years. I believe I need to write. At the very least, I need to journal. It allows me to sort my emotions and feelings. It allows me to construct myself in a way that no other media can accomplish. For the longest time, I have struggled to write because I did not believe what I was writing. I need to write for myself, and others will follow my journey. I also have many other creative outlets that I enjoy. I think my writing is going to change drastically. I also want to try posting more of my other endeavors such as music and drawing. I want to start streaming as well because my love of games is undying.

I am trying to enjoy things again. I want to become the fool that can enjoy the world in a way that they want. I am taking things much, much slower. I am not multitasking. I sit in silence for twenty minutes a day to meditate. I am doing yoga for another fifteen to twenty minutes. I am fully tasting every bite of food and enjoying every aspect of it. I am listening to every part of my body so that I can feel as good as I possibly can be. And what I've realized is that I do enjoy being fat. Pushing that part of me away has never done me any good. There are people in this world of all shapes and sizes. I shouldn't keep myself from having the body I enjoy. I started this year around 245 lbs. I am now 228 and miserable. I think it speaks for itself.

Still, I have been struggling with routines. I've tried weight lifting, aerobics, and I've even ran a few times. It doesn't work. It is because I do not agree with the vision of my future self. I am denying that it is possible at all. To develop oneself, we need to envision ourselves in the position we want to be in and take gradual steps to grasp that idea. I have no clear vision of my future self. I had no mentors growing up as a model of who I want to be. It is something that I think about every single day. Perhaps there isn't a single person that I can latch onto. But that doesn't stop me from creating someone. It could be a combination of several people.

I need to love life again. I have become cynical. I am pushing away friends and family because I do not trust anyone anymore. It needs to stop. I am becoming toxic to those around me. I want to radiate happiness and joy. I don't think leaving the furry community and pushing everything away is the right thing to do. I have isolated myself entirely. Isolation brews false a perception of the entire world. I thought by centering myself and getting away from the news and social media would alleviate my anxiety and depression. I think it couldn't be more opposite. I have been more and more anxious and depressed as time goes on. I need to push myself outside of my comfort zone and into communities and friendships. Otherwise, I have already died by hiding in shadows.

I am going to start treating myself like a king and I'm going to take things much slower. Upon writing all of this I am instantly feeling much better than before. I seek only the best out of this world and I want to love others. Please take care of yourselves!

As time goes on, I feel myself gradually separating from this community. I want to write a journal about this because I still get requests to continue writing. This could also function as a response to those who just like to talk to me. I am sorry to those who want to see more of me and my work. The truth is, I've never felt like I particularly belong.

I wish I had a guideline to tell me what I should be doing, but that isn't how life works. Instead, I've looked deep into myself and recognized a lot about me within the last year or so. Meditation has allowed me to quiet my brain and provide insight into what I want and my future goals.

I am not going to remove all of my work as I did many years ago with Fatgator. But I need to step away. I believe I have recognized that just observing the furry and gainer community has a large negative impact on my mental health.

Ultimately, I just want to have a family. I want to find the woman of my dreams and I don't think I will find them here, especially not in the state that I'm currently in. I want to dedicate my all to making something amazing. I only feel happy when I am working toward something greater; something that I can look back at and say I made a positive impact on something or someone. My writing... just feels gross. It feels like I'm just writing stuff to make other people happy. It doesn't make me happy. It hasn't in a long, long time.

I have been losing a lot of weight. My highest last year was 245 lbs. I am now dipping under 230 lbs. I had always wished that someone would recognize that I enjoy being heavier but perhaps that doesn't truly exist. I want to take care of myself. I want more energy. I want to be able to see the world. I think happiness is attractive, and I just don't see that in the gainer community. This fetish has always been a part of me, well before I even discovered furries. It is something I struggle with every day. As of right now though, I am going to remain vigilant to better my body. Pushing my body is one of the only things that is keeping me going right now.

I have challenged myself in every aspect in the hopes that maybe I'll have all my dreams come true. I went from being nearly homeless to having a fairly stable life within the last seven or so years, even through Covid and this economic crisis. I plan to keep fighting, no matter what. I refuse to hit thirty years old and still be in the same place. My only hope is that anyone reading this will understand.

Please, take care of yourselves.

2023 was another one of the hardest years of my life. It began with me quitting my job which was draining me mentally and physically for more than five years. Thankfully, I had enough savings stored away for me to survive. But that is about all I did last year - survive. It wasn't entirely a bad thing, though I am essentially starting from step one again. I spent the majority of my free time discovering myself and attempting to move forward. I began meditating, going for walks, dopamine fasting, and trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I started DMing, dated with three potential partners that did not work out, and started voicing myself on social media a bit more. I started two other jobs that lasted no more than a few months at a time and since have been unemployed. I have been fighting again to find something better within the last couple of weeks, however. Hopefully, something lands.

I discovered some ways to help with my chronic pain. I feel way, WAY more energized. There was a time where every single day I felt like a zombie but now I feel fairly alright. Most of my exhaustion is caused by staring at a screen all day and not moving. I have started going for long walks as soon as I get up and it truly changes my entire day. I dropped from 240 lbs to 230 lbs without trying. This is because I have not eaten nearly as much as I used to as a means to save money. I have been living incredibly frugally for the majority of the year, choosing to eat things like rice and bread instead of eating out. I do question what I want constantly in this aspect of my life. Is the fetish worth the negative aspects it creates for my health? Will I ever find a partner that understands this side of me? There is no denying that I enjoy being heavy. I only feel more comfortable being larger. Perhaps the issue with my relationships isn't how I look, but my confidence. I just need to be real with people.

I've started to listen to podcasts such as Andrew Huberman which has informed me of steps to take better care of my physical and mental health. I began journaling, stretching, and meditating nearly every single day. There are a few times where I fell off of a routine for about a week but I always came back strong. It is becoming a bit easier now to stick with a routine, but there are days when I falter. That is alright though because those missed days are becoming less and less prevalent.

I have been slacking on school. I am not learning much beyond what is required, and sometimes I feel as if I have lost all creativity. I am going to school for game development. Some days I feel driven to discover new things and can sometimes spend an entire day making something unique, but most days I feel like it drags. I picked up the Pomodoro technique, which is 25 minutes working, 5 minutes resting, and that helps occasionally. Most of the time it doesn't. I still feel as if I am unsure of who I really am sometimes and why I try. One of my goals is to create video games that teach stories about life to those with absent parents and mentors, much like how I grew up. I believe games can be an incredibly emotionally challenging form of media that no other form of media can accomplish. The thing is, there are some aspects of game development that I really dislike, most notably coding. Coding sucks XD

I've also realized that many of the people that I have surrounded myself with are very, very different than me. Everyone has challenges in life, I understand that. But some are more privileged than others. My friends from high school have graduated and have been coasting since before Covid. It is something that I sometimes wonder what it would be like to step into their shoes, which I try not to do because it is very unhealthy. But since I am around them nearly every single day, it is difficult. I just feel like my childhood is missing sometimes. Envy is something that is buried deep within myself and I feel like I have to climb a much steeper staircase than others.

With all of this in mind, I have concluded that I don't feel the sense of accomplishment that many others do after doing a difficult task. I've had to make some incredibly difficult decisions and do tasks nobody else wanted to do in my life, sometimes every single day. Was I rewarded? Not at all. This negativity must have been something that has sprouted from my job of five years. I did what I needed to do to survive, and I pushed myself up a corporate, dead-end ladder until there was no higher position. I think if I begin something like that again, my brain will fold in on itself. I nearly discovered that when I was working in IT for a few months. I think I need to reward myself in some way that makes me happy, but I honestly don't know how. I've never been on a vacation and I keep asking others what I should do. Between Covid and my childhood, I haven't explored anything in my life. Perhaps in 2024, I should start to do that.

Yeah, maybe 2024 marks the year when I just go out and explore. I need to see new things instead of staying inside my little box of a room. And I need to FORCE myself to spend money on those things. Otherwise, I'll just be a dragon and stockpile money like I did before and lose hope again. I think I want to go to conventions. Maybe you'll see me at some! I'll try to notify if I decide to go to one on here. I'm going to keep marching forward with a positive attitude no matter what. Let's go strong into the new year!

You may have wondered where I've gone. I was writing weekly journals and they suddenly stopped. I have been quiet on here for quite a while and there is a reason for that. I have taken quite a bit of time to myself to reflect and learn how to take care of myself physically and mentally. There's been ups and downs but I am going to keep moving forward no matter what. I always led a challenging life but I feel like that has only made me stronger. Here's to the next year!

This marks the 5th week I have consistently written a journal on a Monday! I am the worst with keeping a schedule, but this last month I have taken a decent amount of time to work on my determination and motivation. There have been ups and downs, but now I can look back to a month ago and see what I was going through and learn from it.

I have been doing much better with school. I have learned I am the type of person who needs time to sort my thoughts and think with pretty intense meditation. Otherwise, my brain will always think far into the future and won't act in the present. Taking the time to disconnect from technology and concentrate fully on my thoughts and my bodily functions has allowed me to really think about my goals. By literally turning off my phone for a good chunk of the morning / early afternoon and telling myself that I HAVE to do certain things, I have ultimately become much happier.

I have utilized physical therapy exercises for my knees I found online in a pdf for about a week now. I've only done them a few times but I can already feel the results. The only factor that is concerning to me is my energy. It is very difficult for me to find the energy to get up and do them in the morning. But now that I'm writing this down, I can already see a goal forming. I want to get rid of this pain. If I am going to do that, I need to do exactly what it says no matter how tired I am. I'm beginning to realize while I really enjoy gaining, I also want my body to be stable enough to support it. With these exercises and lessening this pain, it has really opened my mind about what my body is doing. Chronic pain really guides a person's entire day sometimes. It affects sleep, concentration, and... everything.

So with these exercises, I've found myself gaining again. I'm almost at 240 lbs. I believe the pain of my knees was literally keeping me from wanting to gain more weight. Now that I am stretching and working my leg muscles, life is a lot easier. Going forward I honestly recommend new gainers to love their body and take time to really feel any pain that may originate from the joints.

Oh yeah, and it is Thanksgiving in a few days. I wrote that as a title and just rambled about the last week. Well, uh... happy turkey day to those who celebrate it!

Bluesky Codes:
bsky-social-xrtzo-llwuu
bsky-social-amy2u-ukp4j
bsky-social-3ia42-kwnr7

I have been keeping up with my newest routine pretty well. My overall energy and mood have been much better. My knee pain is nearly gone, and I feel so much more present. My voice has returned as well - for a bit there, I preferred to stay out of conversations. Now I am finding myself actually engaging myself in them. My confidence has improved, and the days keep getting better. I have focused most of my energy into school and organizing things like emails and finances.

There is just one thing that is always in the back of my mind - I am alone. And I am really, really exhausted being alone. Perhaps my efforts should now be put into researching how to have a successful relationship. As I am getting closer and closer to 30, it is a bit scary thinking about how little I understand about relationships. I suppose back then I did not have time to think about it. My thoughts were to just have a roof over my head for many, many years.

And that comes to my conclusion. I am straight. I will support LGBTQ for as long as I live, but I do prefer females. I dunno, I lived around females all of my life and I have always gravitated toward them. One of my dreams is to create a family that I never had as well. I know that sucks to hear from some people, but it is true. I think I have felt it in my heart for the longest time. Just writing this alleviates some of the pressure I've felt exploring with others and my own writing.

I am going to keep pushing through this wild time in my life. I feel like I am on an upward spiral. There have been some hard decisions I've had to make for myself recently but I think they needed to be done. Discipline is something that I was lacking for quite a long time. It has been difficult to force myself to get out of bed and find motivation to work out and stuff, but at the end of it I feel amazing.

I believe I have figured out a routine that works best for me. I spent the majority of the last few weeks looking up anything I could on mental and physical health and applied it. What I've found is this:

- Whenever I am feeling particularly depressed or anxious and have issues concentrating, I turn off my phone and do nothing. I literally just sit and stare at a wall or screen if I'm sitting, or at the ceiling if I'm in bed. Sometimes I fall asleep, and I allow my body to do so. I wake up super energetic. When I started doing this, I could go a couple of hours at a time where I did not do anything at all. I was at my lowest point... but it allowed me to think. It was just me and my brain fighting against each other. As time went on, it has become a bit easier for me to do this step or avoid it entirely. Tbh this was the most important step for me to take. Just forcing myself to do nothing reminded my brain how to properly care for my bodily functions and allowed me to plan out things in advance.
- Do not drink coffee as soon as I wake up. The crash after 6-8 hours ruined a quarter of my day. Instead, waiting two hours before drinking makes my entire day so much better. The mornings have been easy despite removing coffee as soon as I wake up. The next two steps wake me up even better than coffee.
- Immediately drink two cups of water as soon as I get up. I have been drinking one cup of juice or milk and one cup of water.
- Walk around the block for 10-15 minutes. Getting sunlight as soon as I get up has helped tremendously. My circadian rhythm was thrown off completely with caffeine, blackout curtains, and just not going outside. I wasn't moving, and my body constantly thought that I was dormant (which I basically was). Getting sunlight wakes the body up, as well as the light movement.
- Stretch for 15 minutes. My knees have been in constant pain ever since I quit my physically demanding job that I walked to every day. This has been an issue for most of my life despite being fairly active as a child. It is the result of a tremendous growth spurt. However, the pain has gotten much worse and I had essentially made my knees as stiff as possible while sitting for almost the entire day. The pain is still there, but it is lessened. I am hoping it goes away entirely now that I am learning correct posture and applying work to muscles I haven't used before.
- Work out. I have been using YouTube to look up videos of routines with resistance bands. I have split the workouts into days for each main body part to give them time to rest. Gaining has only made me happier, but as soon as too much pain starts being applied, I'm out. I have been stuck at 230-240 lbs for quite some time now, and I believe it is because of my knees.
- Meditate. I use Headspace which gives some advice as to how to do this. I'm still pretty new to this, but I've found this to be incredibly enlightening. Dedicating time to just concentrate on myself has been fantastic.
- Eat a ton. I have actually gained a little weight recently. It is just a few lbs, but it is progress. As I've mentioned above, I do not want to gain if there is pain. It is a bit of a farce to be a gainer and also do more physically demanding things, but I do enjoy having a good life. I don't want to see anyone suffer.
- Use the Pomodoro technique, working for 25 minutes on something mentally demanding and 5 minutes to think about my physical and mental health. During the breaks in between I have found myself cleaning around the house and returning to creative projects with a much clearer head.

Tbh, I was about to flunk out of my class. My overall GPA is around 3.75 but this current class has been difficult. I am coding with a much brighter attitude with this mindset. I have basically doubled or even tripled my productivity by doing this. I had issues even writing weekly journals on here because it was so difficult to find the concentration to do anything. The worst factor in my case was YouTube. I was spending hours a day in bed in the darkness watching games just to get a short laugh. I needed food, water, and sleep, but I distracted myself from helping myself. I believe the same can be applied to social media, which I have limited greatly.

This is the first time I feel somewhat happy in quite a while. Ever since I quit my steady job about a year ago, I have been coasting. I am happy that I finally found some form of stability, though I do need to find a job soon. If I find some form of work that allows me to survive and doesn't involve customer service, I think I would be in a perfect place to flourish.

Current weight: 233 lbs
Follow me on Bluesky: Bluesky
Bluesky Codes:
bsky-social-xrtzo-llwuu
bsky-social-amy2u-ukp4j

I have been having issues lately finding motivation to do hard tasks. I've researched why this could be, and I have concluded that I am addicted to dopamine. This was not an issue a while ago - a few years ago I would walk daily for 30 minutes to work and work 8 hours. Then I would walk another 30 minutes home. I didn't even have earbuds to listen to music while I walked! Yet I could come home and write so, so much. Plus school came easy to me. I was denying myself pleasure, and thus giving my brain time to think, reset and rest.

Now I have a car and can listen to music at any time that I want. I am on YouTube for hours every day, and constantly talking with friends. I am surrounded by distracting things that rip my attention away from what I intend to do. Even before falling asleep, my eyes and ears are glued to a screen. I do not give my brain time to rest! This is a very common issue that people have nowadays. We live in a world of entertainment, and in this day and age, it is very easy to lose track of time and, well, yourself.

"I did not give myself time to waste, and for that, I wasted my entire life" is my butchered version of a quote some wise person said once idk I try my best. I believe it is saying that we should create time where we do nothing. And I mean literally nothing. If I am having issues writing, working on an assignment, or any other project, I should give myself time to do nothing. In doing so, eventually, I will become bored and do something.

I may be the type of person who needs to just sit and look at a blank page for an indefinite amount of time. No music, no phone... nothing. It is extremely difficult to do, but this has become a problem lately. I never could do exactly what I wanted before, and now that I can, my productivity has plummeted.

Going forward I am going to take my time, stay away from multitasking, and put my all into everything I do. I lost a ton of focus trying to rush to get everything done. I may lose out on news and fun, but I believe I will be a happier person if I should give myself time to breathe and listen to my body.

I'm having fun writing these weekly journals. I hope everyone has a fun Halloween tomorrow! I did not have a costume in mind this year because I'm trying to spend as little money as possible until I get another job. If I did have a costume though, I'd love to be Bowser one of these days. :P

I have made a Bluesky account and have abandoned X! You can follow me here - https://bsky.app/profile/jollyguts.bsky.social#:~:text=Jollyguts-,%40jollyguts.bsky.social,-9

This week I made broccoli and cheese soup and vegetable curry. I ate three bowls of that last night and probably felt the most stuffed I've been in a while. If you have any good recipes for a fatty bear, I'd love to hear them! As I'm getting back into the gainer scene, I would like to start making the majority of what I eat. I have developed an interest in trying new foods and adjusting recipes to meet my own tastes. I am in the process of making my own recipe book. It has gotten to the point where I almost want to record a series about making food and how it pertains with gaining.

My classes start up again today. I am going to be working in Unreal Engine developing some mechanics for a game. I'm excited to see what comes of it moving forward! I have decided that environmental design is my favorite thing to do. I love placing little plants and learning about architecture. I try to put in a little environmental storytelling in my work. The more I'm working with games the more I realize I enjoy 3d modeling as well. I can sit down and work on something like that for hours and hours with a little music.

I have started writing quite a bit more. I finished a trade and I'm currently working on a commission. Writing with a little music is such a calming vibe! I want to try to push my work out there a little more somehow. It is partially why I wanted to use Bluesky. I want to interact with people more and try to develop a bigger audience. Social media has never been a big part of my life, but I see now that it can be used for good. I am a very introverted person so it takes me quite a bit of time to get used to new people.

I beat a Hat in Time! It is a fantastic game for those looking for an old-school 3d platformer. I honestly liked it more than Mario Odyssey. The dialog was fun and charming, while the worlds were colorful and filled with things to do. I am nearing the end of Baldur's Gate 3 with my buddies. It is probably my game of the year, which is saying something because Tears of the Kingdom came out this year. That was also a blast, though I may be becoming a bit older and like the older style of Zelda better. I believe it is confirmed that TOTK and BOTW is what the Zelda series is going to be like from here on out.

I hope everyone has a good week! I am going to concentrate on school for the next few weeks. Halloween is right around the corner as well. Don't feel bad if you don't have a costume! I do not have anything planned this time around because of the shift in work and money. I'm just going to relax and enjoy the candy! Mmmm...

Within the last several months I have started really deciding what I enjoy most about life, and that has given me perspective as to what I should be doing. What I realized is that I do not enjoy money as much as I think I do. Having a stable job and home is great, but what I enjoy most of all is creating stuff that people enjoy. I feel more at peace when I am not rushing in a competitive environment, and I really enjoy working at my own pace. I don't need much to be happy. I just like a big, full belly and a small room surrounded in people I can vibe with. I quit my job around a month ago, and I have only felt good about it since. I'm writing more, reading, playing piano, working out and I'm feeling more at peace. Expect to see me more!

In order to rally my senses together to improve my mental health, I have quit my job. Working in a call center isn't the best for mental health issues, especially when you must talk to the entitled elderly. So, I am on the job search once again. In the meantime, I will concentrate on working out, writing, and studying Unreal Engine. For now, I'm going to stick to writing my own things. I may open commissions again soon.

I've been pushing myself for the last two months. Turns out a 10:30 am - 8 pm job doesn't work while going to school. I am taking a break from school for a month to find something part-time. My dream is to start writing again with a part-time job while doing well in school. Hopefully, something turns up. I feel much more confident now that I have experienced customer care. I have also realized that I do not like it at all, so I am going to try to avoid it altogether.

I started writing about Themberchaud, the more-than-obese dragon that they implemented in the most recent D&D movie. I started theorizing this story almost as soon as it came out. Yes, it takes me this long to write something. It would have taken me less time to write if my days were not so cluttered with things to do. I began reading Children of Dune, the third book in the series. If you want a masterclass of worldbuilding, those books are impeccable.

I'm still fat and feeling good about it. The wise preach to feel good in the body you enjoy. If people don't like it, don't worry about it. There are plenty of people in the world who do like it. I feel like I just wanted to say this because so many people (including myself in my early years) go so long trying to be someone they aren't. I feel right in the body I have now. I enjoy the heft and pull of my weight. I love being the fat guy of the group.

Seems like something pretty life-changing happens about every month nowadays. I feel like I am making the right decisions though. I just wish I could land in a comfortable spot where I can relax. The stress isn't doing anything good to my physical or mental health. Here's to moving forward!

- 7:00am: eat and prepare
- 8:00am: go to work
- 5:30pm: leave work
- 6:00pm: eat, do chores and refresh
- 9:00pm: start school
- 11:00pm: sleep

This schedule is alright, but it has proven difficult to do basically... anything. That being said, not every single day I work on school. Sometimes I get all of the coursework finished early and can work on some other stuff. When this usually happens, however, I honestly play video games or hang out with friends. Maybe I am still getting used to this type of schedule again, but idk. I wish I could have more time. Some days maybe I just have to stow away in my room to do anything creative. I am happier knowing that I have money coming in.

So, writing is difficult at the moment. I could write to cool down when I get home, but all of my free time is basically spent consuming other media. Creating is difficult! Maybe it is something that I need to force myself to do. I'm not sure what the best way to go about it would be.

I think I have decided I want to move into my own apartment without roommates. The more I think about it, the happier I would be living by myself. The only thing that worries me is money, which I am still unsure of. I am getting paid $17/h which is pretty good in my area, but it still may not be enough to live alone. Nowadays I may have to live with other people and deal with it.

It could be worse, but it could be better. I'm happier now with this job! I basically get to sit on my ass all day and snack on things so I'm a happy bear. :P

I just landed one of the best jobs a gainer could have. It is an IT position where I'll take calls and answer questions about Internet products. The first thing I saw was my 500 lb manager showing me to his office. He was so big that he could block an entire hallway. He then pulled his custom chair for extra large people for his enormous ass inside. We sat down and another manager arrived, not so heavy, but said that they like to eat and order food for all the employees. After I was given the position and I got up to leave, they said that I would gain weight working here. They said, "I'd get my freshman 15 easily." I knew then that I would like the place. I start in just a couple of weeks. This is like a dream.

I have become much more relaxed lately, mostly because I have let go of many of the things that I have deemed unnecessary for me to improve and flourish. I have researched the brain and its many faults over the last month or two. One thing I have learned is mindfulness. I have taken much more time without music blasting in my ears on long walks. I give myself ample time for my thoughts to circulate, build, and reflect on them for future goals and ideas. Participating in mundane tasks such as picking up sticks and looking at birds is something that can't be beaten. It is hard to unglue my eyes from the screen, but when I do it helps my productivity tremendously. The worst contender for me is YouTube. I used to spend hours every day watching others playing video games because I felt tired and didn't want to get up. After I turned off my phone I felt even worse! Why is that? Well, since I didn't have anything distracting me, then I listened to my body and felt that I was thirsty. Upon drinking a glass of water I felt a little better. Then I felt tired, so I laid down to nap. Then I felt even better. This was all because I wasn't listening to my body at all and distracting myself from the real world. Guess I forgot to take care of myself while worrying about trying to make myself better!

Good things that have happened recently:
- I have several new job opportunities
- I am writing much more often
- Acing every class
- Creating more things in Unreal Engine. I'd like to plan out a fat fur game soon!
- DMing for some friends
- Using social media much more cautiously
- Lost 15 lbs, down to 225 lbs. (Kinda meh about this but I'd like to gain healthier anyways)

This is a series I enjoy writing because it is much easier for my introverted personality to get my feelings out on paper than tell them verbally. I talk about abuse, depression, and other difficult topics. My hope is to put my word out there not only for my own well-being but maybe to help someone else out there that feels the same way.

My motivation is back. I'm going to keep pushing until I get what I want. Taking a look around, I have fixed so many things that had troubled me as a child. It has been nearly 10 years since I left high school and I am a completely different person. I lived with a hoarder, with mice and cockroaches scurrying around in the house every night. There was trash everywhere, furniture about to collapse in on itself, and we had dozens of pets we could barely take care of. I could have grown to be a complete disaster but I chose to revolt at a young age. I saw the problems my parents had and decided alcohol and drugs were bad. I'm glad that I did. Now I live in a somewhat decent home.

I guess I have deep depressive episodes for a reason. I just need to learn how to get out of them quicker. My main reason for this most recent one is the realization that the house I had been renting and potentially buying was yanked out from underneath me like the world's most expensive rug. All of the effort I put into remodeling this home is gone because my uncle """""forgot""""" about a medical bill after I have paid tens of thousands of dollars to rent here and fix it up over the course of more than five years. Because of this lien on the home, I can no longer buy it. Again, my family was the cause of this instead of me so I have to be the responsible one and clean up the mess.

They say your 20s are for making mistakes and while I'm heading to the latter half of them, I feel like I still have a lot to learn. My only wish right now is to find a good job so I can completely move out on my own away from my family. I have come to the conclusion that I want my own space away from my friends as well. I dislike rooming with my friends because there is a lack of discipline to it. It's hard to tell your friends that they are lazy and need to pull their weight around the house. Perhaps my best bet is to move away. Despite voicing my opinions recently, nothing has changed. Perhaps it is out of fear of going back to that less-than-poor living conditions. Maybe I have become too serious. I feel like I should listen to my gut though.

But, there is good. I,
- Remain vigilant with college. I am making near-perfect scores. Some days it is taxing on my concentration, stress and mental health, but I want to go all-out with it.
- Quit my terrible job. I look back to this job and I feel sad. I pushed myself in a dead-end job for far too long. It was just to survive. That isn't a problem anymore.
- Began building a routine. I am working out again. I have a personal journal. I am keeping the grass mowed. I feel fantastic if I do everything in my daily to-do list.
- Cleaned my living space. Though I am not going to live here for too much longer, I have learned a lot about basic living and home care. I feel more responsible than my parents ever were and if a house disaster happens, I may be able to fix it myself.
- Read. I am currently reading Watership Down, and have read Frankenstein, Cat's Cradle, and more. I wish I read more in the past because it is very relaxing.
- Play the piano. This is a bit slower than my other hobbies. I tend to put this very last in my things to do. I can play a few Zelda songs off the top of my head.
- Stand my ground. I have proven time and time again that I am responsible.

I'm going to keep pushing no matter what.

I want to continue to reflect on my life through journals. It helps me tremendously when I write my feelings down because I am a very introverted person. Sometimes I find slapping down my thoughts on a wordpad even better than going to therapy, though therapy helps as well. In any case, I am in an upward spiral after a fairly heartbreaking revelation.

Many months ago, I left my job that I had been working at for 5 years. 5 (FIVE) years!!!! That's more time I spent in high school, yet it feels like just a short spec of time. It paid my bills, sure, but I felt like I lost some of my character doing mundane tasks there for eight hours a day. Friends told me to quit several times and try finding something better. Thing is, when I started there I had nothing. No glasses, phone, car... good shoes. There was a time when I could barely walk because my feet hurt so bad. But it was consistent, and I felt comfortable. Now I don't have that. I'm back to feeling clueless. I feel like all of that hard work getting promotions, raises, and obtaining these things I needed for so long has been for nothing.

I figured out my uncle, who I've been renting a house from, owes $100,000 on it and has never said a thing. I was planning on buying it and have been fixing it up with my own money and he knew it. So all of that work is lost. That isn't even considering my roommates. One of them has never held a conventional job in the 4 years we've lived together and I have constant anxiety if they will pay/not pay their portion of rent. They haven't paid for several months already and I am afraid I'll never see that money again. So I will have to move out soon, and I believe that I want to move far away from my family and friends.

Well that doesn't sound like an upward spiral, but I've been doing much better than I was about a month ago when I received that information from my uncle. I haven't had a job in a bit though. My savings are just about to run dry. I DoorDashed this morning to get a little money. I'm also trying to write more for more cash. The job search has not granted me many options but I am at the very least trying now. I am also eating a little better. I've lost about 10 pounds because I tend to starve myself when I'm anxious. I believe I average about 1000 calories a day on a bad day.

Hugh... I don't know what I can do to get better. I think times are rough and if you didn't have a stable environment before, it's really unstable now. I still have that drive to think creatively and continue to grow my skills in the hopes that something out there will recognize my work.

Just gotta keep pushing.

I am opening up for commissions and trades again! Loud horns going off and confetti!!!
I love to write about fat furs and can write anything from a general audience rating to an adult rating.
No child characters, please.
Send me a note on here to get started!

- Pricing will be $15 per 1000 words.
- For example, a 1000-word, $15 short story would be around 2 pages.
- Magnus' Apprentice, an 8000-word story, would be $120: Magnus' Apprentice
- I try to write around 1000 words a day. On a good streak, I can write 3000 or more in one sitting. :)
- Trades will be discussed depending on the quality of work.

Queue:
1.) [Finished] Xandromeda (Commission - 5000 words)
2.) [Finished] IndagoBlue (Trade)
3.)
4.)
5.)

I am going to keep fighting my depression. I am pushing myself more and more each day.

- I am learning Unreal Engine, C++, and I'm even thinking about learning Blender. I'm getting closer and closer to being able to make a game. I would love to make something similar to Noone's Fatty Text Adventure.
- I am breaking out of my social anxiety. I'm DMing for my friend group where I was too scared to even play with them last year. I am starting to date again and put myself out there.
- I am going to keep working out and bulking. I am finally breaking over my 240-pound plateau. I feel stronger (and fatter :P) every single day.
- I quit the job that was sucking my life away. I have an interview next week and should be making a ton of money. I've heard the job is easy as well. It is just going to be 10-hour days. X_X
- Books! Writing! I've done a little bit of them both but not as much as I want.

I just wanted to hype myself up for the coming year. This last month of the new year has been interesting, for certain. I feel like I want to be more structured. I want to create meal plans, schedule events, and stick to daily rituals. That way I can accomplish all of my goals without burning myself out.

Thank you to those who have watched and kept up with me! Here's to a good year. <3

I want to wish everyone a good, relaxing day today. Celebrate yourself! You don't have to have a grandiose outing with a family to enjoy today.

Having a full-time job with the hobbies I have, flipping a house, and going to college, I'm beat. What I have realized is that I am happier taking the time to enjoy each moment. I was stressed out for a long time, and looking back on it, it wasn't worth it. I wish I had slowed down to really delve into what I was doing. I think next year I will take things way slower.

I want to write this to all those who try to be constantly productive: you won't. The amount of stress you put on yourself ultimately hinders your progress. Enjoy these next few weeks! When the time is right, I'll be productive again. For now...

I'm just going to be your fat panda writer. <3

WARNING: IRL gaining talk

Over the last few months, I have been going to college. I am coming up on my fifth month and I am now learning difficult processes with game design. I have been trying my absolute best to get perfect grades and have succeeded. While I missed one small percentage in a presentations class, I have perfect, 100/100 grades. I have never done so well in school, nor have a tried so hard.

That being said, I have lost interest in writing. I have switched my attention completely to learning anything I can to make games. I would love to make something fat-fur-related eventually. I still get the urge to write something from time to time, but I feel like I lose focus very quickly when I do so. I do not have as much time as I used to; I have contemplated writing for money while going part-time at work. If anyone wants to try, I am all ears! I have also been debating on opening up a Patreon, where people can donate if they want to every month and I can write whatever I want. Both options are perfectly applicable. I am sorry about not writing for quite a long time, but if I get a little help it may persuade me to write more!

Other than that, I am trying to get a little more muscle with all this padding. I lost five pounds after going to the gym semi-frequently for a month. I am more confident with my body as I shape more into the big bear I have always wanted to be. I struggle to put on weight at this point, but that may be because I have to eat A TON consistently. I have been wanting to formulate some sort of meal plan. I want a good balance of being big and healthy.

I am incredibly happy with what I have accomplished recently. I have been improving physically, mentally, financially, and all of the above. I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone more and more. I would like to interact with the community more and get to know some more furries. If there is one thing I want to improve more than anything else it is my ability to talk to new people and develop long-lasting relationships.

Eat your fill and relax! You deserve it. :)

It appears that I have become so busy that I have forgotten to eat! Since my last journal, I have lost five pounds, taking me down to 235 lbs. It is so difficult for me to keep on weight, and it is kinda funny because I want to be bigger; strange how that happens, huh? The fat people want to lose weight to get their summer bods, and I'm over here like, "Please, let me have some of that fat!!!" It took me so long to get to 240 lbs, and I guess I lost track of my diet and immediately lost some of it. That being said, I am heading over to get a pizza right after I finish this journal. Huuuuuufffffffff

I think my main reason why I do not have as much time as others is because I live with two of my best friends. Naturally, I am drawn to them and prefer spending time with them rather than concentrating on things like eating. I should mark a couple of days a week on my calendar to where I can hang out with them, and do my own thing for the rest. It's hard for me to say that I don't have free time - I usually spend it doing things with them. This makes me believe that limiting my time with them is the best option.

If that works, I have had a want to start writing again. I would like to ask what your favorite things are about a weight gain-themed story. I have written mature things about weight gain, and I think I have realized that I don't really like it. I think my favorite stories are the ones that are simple fun and don't involve too much sex, violence, or things like that. Magnus' Apprentice remains my most popular story by far across two accounts, and I am trying to understand why people are drawn to it. To be fair - I REALLY like the story as well. If I can rate my own story, I would say that it is a 4/5. Was it made at just the right time at the peak of Spyro's popularity? Was it the only story about Spyro at that time? I think about these things all the time and I definitely want to give these questions some answers before I start writing again. That way, I know exactly what I excel at and gear my work towards that.

I have started a new class in college - Technology in the Entertainment and Media Industry. So far it looks like I am transitioning from the core classes to something that will be for my degree in Game Design. It will still be quite some time before I am in the meat and potatoes of my program. I will have a higher workload but it covers things that I am interested in! I am naturally interested in learning computer programming. I do enjoy a good puzzle, and programming is quite similar to one.

I am no longer doing three jobs at once at work. I also received a $2 raise after I brought up that I wanted to leave. Hopefully, that doesn't happen again because this panda BEAT! I wish I could have a remote part-time job but I am getting paid a ton of money. I just wish I could concentrate on creative stuff more. I wish to return to writing one day.

I finished the first book of Dune and started the second. I believe that it is one of the better sci-fi books out there, but it does have a "messiah" character in it, which some people do not enjoy. It did not bother me, but I know someone who could not finish the book because it annoyed them. I have been told that if the first book is Ocarina of Time, the second is Majora's Mask. The second book is also much shorter than the first: probably one-third of the size.

~I would like to ask my watchers a question:
What Pokémon are you? I am enjoying Arceus quite a bit and it has revived my love of the series. I have always seen myself as a Slaking or a Snorlax. Something very lazy.

~My IRL weight gain:
Weight: 239 lbs.
Goal: 300 lbs.

I'm making a game! It is supposed to be a pixelated Skyrim - Zelda kinda game. We have a main writer, artist, and programmers. I will be doing the sound design and music. We are in beginning stages of planning and the team knows that I am brand new to the category. It's all going to be a test essentially because we're all new to our roles. I hope that I can provide! I know the absolute minimum of music theory and piano. I can improvise on drums but other than that, I know nothing. I don't even know how to make sound effects! Why did they put me in charge with sound design? I don't know! I'm willing to learn though, so if anyone has any tips I'd love to here from you.

Otherwise, I've been doing a ton of Dungeons and Dragons stuff. I made a loxodon bladesinger. He is just a massive wizard that enjoys partying. We're doing the Witchlight setting so I also threw in a carny background. Critical Role's campaign three has been a blast. It is definitely my favorite party of the three campaigns. Legend of Vox Machina is also very well done. I can't imagine what it is like to see the characters you created years ago on the big screen! They deserve it.

I have also spoken to my boss at work to give me less hours. I am stacked with things to do all of the time. With that being said, I will probably write less and less on here. It has been a blast coming back and writing stories, but I am much too busy to write anything anymore. With school and work, it has been a bit crazy. While I have been working, I have been listening to The Last Podcast on the Left. It covers a ton of stories about supernatural occurrences, the darkest parts of history and conspiracy theories. I've known about it for years but I finally started listening to it. It's pretty good!

I have also been slacking with working out. At 240 pounds, I need to start doing something to keep my muscles going. I am starting to feel a bit lethargic at times but that may be because of my work. As winter ends, I am looking forward to going to the gym again.