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A lot of thinking (Personal)
Posted 7 years agoSince sometime on July of 2017, I ended up moving out to live with a group that I was willing to sacrifice practically everything I built my life around. I had everything before the move. A roof over my head, a close-knit community that I cherished, and a slowly growing connection of good folks that were supportive of me. I never realized that this move was going to change my life. It opened my eyes to a lot of things that I never realized I have sacrificed. It felt like I was living all the way back in Kansas once more, where I was at the most miserable.
When I say almost, it wasn't quite close, compared to that life. However, where I grew up is a completely different beast all together, versus of where I currently live at now. And that is okay. Times change, and so do people. That I know for certain from experience. Mentality can also alter over time, for better or for worse. What I used to have versus what I have now makes me cherish more things than ever before. It taught me things I used to have when growing up that were small, yet set a course that I have had laid out for me.
Where I live at now? It's home. I feel safe once more, and those I live with have always put a smile upon my face. I always wish to return the favor in some way, somehow. Sure, they are my roommates, but they are family to me. A new home, a new beginning of a story arc of mine. During the time of the move, I have lost a great deal of things. One namely my computer for a good bit of time with the whole lack of internet, then the follow-up of the damages it has taken from those I used to live with, and even my own incompetence of cleaning my computer properly. It has caused a lot of heart-ache that I have been without a computer.
To put it in perspective, the computer is my life. My passion for writing is all done by computer. Every story I have ever written has been done on it. It is something I love to do every day. It helps me be creative, open-minded, and even express emotions where I deemed important behind every character I have developed for such themes. Writing epic adventures and spinning tales of glory, drama, and companionship has always been something that I feel I can do in a form of entertainment that I feel is quite enjoyable. It is a hobby that I always loved, and something that society needs, just as much as any other forms of art and entertainment for that matter. It is a different form of art that I feel I connected to the most.
Even then, not only does my computer help express my creative style in writing stories and characters, it also helped build a circle of those I wish to be connected with. People I have grown fond of over the years. Make connections with those I never thought I would have ever met. I wouldn't have ever made it this far from Kansas, to Texas, then back. Then moving out to Ohio, then Nevada, and finally to where I am today. I've been in quite a number of places, but these are the states I really have felt left important markers in my life. Without the computer, I would have never met so many great people that I always loved to communicate with. Be it as something as simple, yet enjoyable like role playing, to video gaming. Whatever I did online, I always managed to keep up with a good group of friends.
During my time without a computer however, my life felt more and more shallow, due to the lack of being able to communicate effectively with my circle. My phone can only handle so much during that time period, making things extremely difficult after the move. I loved video games, but I haven't really played much due to my passion project of being a writer radiated off of me at the time. Though as weeks passed with me doing almost nothing, I eventually started to go back to playing video games. It started to rekindle a lot of my old nostalgia once more... Remembering so many things and what originated my course to try and reach the core of why I always wanted to be a writer...
My very first video game was Legend of Zelda 2 on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) when I was just a little kid. I didn't own the Super Nintendo, as it was simply a hand-me-down from my brother. And man, did I play the heck out of it! Of course now that I am older, I do realize a lot of the faults in that game. But it was definitely something I still remember fondly of. How proud I was when I finally beat that final boss, practically feeling achieved, stating, "Wow, this is what it must feel like being a real sword fighter!" I was seven when I said that, finally beating such a hard game at that time. While the writing on that game wasn't impressive, it did help me start to enjoy fantasy and stories a lot more than usual. And it only confirmed it upon when I got my first Game Boy and got Pokemon Blue. I played that game to death, that much I know! Getting that first Eevee was definitely something I loved. I didn't quite get into Star Fox, because 'It was too violent' for me, so I only managed to watch my brother play that game. But Pokemon? It definitely resonated with me quite a bit more than I realized. Playing through that game the second time, where I actually started to form a bit of a story. Making that Eevee as the 'Main Character' and everything. It wasn't that boy with the hat I was playing, it was that Eevee. I went as far as having a school buddy of mine trading that Eevee of mine over on my third gameplay, where Jotie was born. I guess in a way, that is how Jotie the Vaporeon was born. I never really thought about it, but it really stuck with me.
I know it is a lot of rambling, but this does bring up a next point while I was thinking about it. It held a lot of passion that I wanted to bring back that feeling once more as a kid... Except on modern games today. And while I do have that same feeling of joy, something always felt off about me playing games. This only grew more apparent when I got my computer officially back up and running once more, in a safe location in my new home... I grew more reclusive.
I distanced myself from all forms of communication. Those I used to talk to, I slowly grew more and more bitter... Depression seem to be more apparent throughout the days, and I don't know why. I always felt happy when playing video games, so why would I also feel depressed? I felt like an empty shell, void of almost not caring about my own well-being. It has grown so bad that... I legitimately started to stop eating for fear that I have been eating too much, just so I can keep playing video games. I even stopped sleeping properly as well, because of it. Those I loved to talk to, I grew too scared to even talk to them. I became more sick physically and emotionally that I even didn't want to say anything that was going on through my mind, so they wouldn't worry about me too much.
My motivation for writing seemed to have slowly dwindled away, just so I can get the newest games coming out, just so I can get that rush of joy filling within me once more, giving me an 'excuse' to talk about something new and hip I suppose. But... the more I started to think about it on why I felt empty, the more I grew into the conclusion today when trying to sleep that I may have an unfortunate addiction to video games.
It is not the video games fault. I do not blame video games at all. I however, do blame myself because I got too ensnared in video games that I forgot what my original path was. I relied on video games so much, that it felt like it is the only thing I am good at. I stopped my dream of becoming a writer, so that I can play video games, trying to be a great gamer. But I don't want to put in the effort of being a streamer, so what does that accomplish in my life? I feel like I am doing nothing, but ruining my career that video games originally put the path for me in the first place. Which is stories...
It took me only today to realize what I have lost, and I got too absorbed into trying to perfect my gameplay, rather than playing a game for the meaning behind it. This is not what I grew up with... I am not a person who wants to play a game to be on the top of the leader boards, but to play a game with a narrative. I shouldn't care so much on trying to be the number one... And yet I ended up making myself focus on that aspect too much that, I forgot so many things...
The crushing reality is: I lost so many important things in my life, which includes those I grew so close to over video games, ever since I lost my computer. And I kept being sucked right back into playing games, losing the meaning behind a good story behind everything, and only looking at the mechanics and numbers behind the games I played. The feeling of guilt weighs even more so heavily than before, as I realized I slowly avoided talking to friends and loved ones for that boost of enjoyment of getting that rare piece of gear I have been going on weeks on end to get. I shouldn't lose the real meaning behind a good story. And I shouldn't lose myself to video games... As those that I share the connection with is higher than some entertainment... I feel sickened that I have fallen this way.
I do not blame video games, as I still clearly enjoy them. They are what set me on the path originally to become a writer. It is also what set me on the path to meet new people from all around the world. Just like coffee and cheesecake, I need to do it in moderation. Too much of a good thing can definitely be detrimental to my health, and even those around me. I do not plan to stop playing video games as a whole, but I do really need to go back to my old roots and be more active upon those I used to be around so much. In hopes that those I am with will forgive me for being so inactive these days. And perhaps one day, rekindle my love for writing once more.
When I say almost, it wasn't quite close, compared to that life. However, where I grew up is a completely different beast all together, versus of where I currently live at now. And that is okay. Times change, and so do people. That I know for certain from experience. Mentality can also alter over time, for better or for worse. What I used to have versus what I have now makes me cherish more things than ever before. It taught me things I used to have when growing up that were small, yet set a course that I have had laid out for me.
Where I live at now? It's home. I feel safe once more, and those I live with have always put a smile upon my face. I always wish to return the favor in some way, somehow. Sure, they are my roommates, but they are family to me. A new home, a new beginning of a story arc of mine. During the time of the move, I have lost a great deal of things. One namely my computer for a good bit of time with the whole lack of internet, then the follow-up of the damages it has taken from those I used to live with, and even my own incompetence of cleaning my computer properly. It has caused a lot of heart-ache that I have been without a computer.
To put it in perspective, the computer is my life. My passion for writing is all done by computer. Every story I have ever written has been done on it. It is something I love to do every day. It helps me be creative, open-minded, and even express emotions where I deemed important behind every character I have developed for such themes. Writing epic adventures and spinning tales of glory, drama, and companionship has always been something that I feel I can do in a form of entertainment that I feel is quite enjoyable. It is a hobby that I always loved, and something that society needs, just as much as any other forms of art and entertainment for that matter. It is a different form of art that I feel I connected to the most.
Even then, not only does my computer help express my creative style in writing stories and characters, it also helped build a circle of those I wish to be connected with. People I have grown fond of over the years. Make connections with those I never thought I would have ever met. I wouldn't have ever made it this far from Kansas, to Texas, then back. Then moving out to Ohio, then Nevada, and finally to where I am today. I've been in quite a number of places, but these are the states I really have felt left important markers in my life. Without the computer, I would have never met so many great people that I always loved to communicate with. Be it as something as simple, yet enjoyable like role playing, to video gaming. Whatever I did online, I always managed to keep up with a good group of friends.
During my time without a computer however, my life felt more and more shallow, due to the lack of being able to communicate effectively with my circle. My phone can only handle so much during that time period, making things extremely difficult after the move. I loved video games, but I haven't really played much due to my passion project of being a writer radiated off of me at the time. Though as weeks passed with me doing almost nothing, I eventually started to go back to playing video games. It started to rekindle a lot of my old nostalgia once more... Remembering so many things and what originated my course to try and reach the core of why I always wanted to be a writer...
My very first video game was Legend of Zelda 2 on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) when I was just a little kid. I didn't own the Super Nintendo, as it was simply a hand-me-down from my brother. And man, did I play the heck out of it! Of course now that I am older, I do realize a lot of the faults in that game. But it was definitely something I still remember fondly of. How proud I was when I finally beat that final boss, practically feeling achieved, stating, "Wow, this is what it must feel like being a real sword fighter!" I was seven when I said that, finally beating such a hard game at that time. While the writing on that game wasn't impressive, it did help me start to enjoy fantasy and stories a lot more than usual. And it only confirmed it upon when I got my first Game Boy and got Pokemon Blue. I played that game to death, that much I know! Getting that first Eevee was definitely something I loved. I didn't quite get into Star Fox, because 'It was too violent' for me, so I only managed to watch my brother play that game. But Pokemon? It definitely resonated with me quite a bit more than I realized. Playing through that game the second time, where I actually started to form a bit of a story. Making that Eevee as the 'Main Character' and everything. It wasn't that boy with the hat I was playing, it was that Eevee. I went as far as having a school buddy of mine trading that Eevee of mine over on my third gameplay, where Jotie was born. I guess in a way, that is how Jotie the Vaporeon was born. I never really thought about it, but it really stuck with me.
I know it is a lot of rambling, but this does bring up a next point while I was thinking about it. It held a lot of passion that I wanted to bring back that feeling once more as a kid... Except on modern games today. And while I do have that same feeling of joy, something always felt off about me playing games. This only grew more apparent when I got my computer officially back up and running once more, in a safe location in my new home... I grew more reclusive.
I distanced myself from all forms of communication. Those I used to talk to, I slowly grew more and more bitter... Depression seem to be more apparent throughout the days, and I don't know why. I always felt happy when playing video games, so why would I also feel depressed? I felt like an empty shell, void of almost not caring about my own well-being. It has grown so bad that... I legitimately started to stop eating for fear that I have been eating too much, just so I can keep playing video games. I even stopped sleeping properly as well, because of it. Those I loved to talk to, I grew too scared to even talk to them. I became more sick physically and emotionally that I even didn't want to say anything that was going on through my mind, so they wouldn't worry about me too much.
My motivation for writing seemed to have slowly dwindled away, just so I can get the newest games coming out, just so I can get that rush of joy filling within me once more, giving me an 'excuse' to talk about something new and hip I suppose. But... the more I started to think about it on why I felt empty, the more I grew into the conclusion today when trying to sleep that I may have an unfortunate addiction to video games.
It is not the video games fault. I do not blame video games at all. I however, do blame myself because I got too ensnared in video games that I forgot what my original path was. I relied on video games so much, that it felt like it is the only thing I am good at. I stopped my dream of becoming a writer, so that I can play video games, trying to be a great gamer. But I don't want to put in the effort of being a streamer, so what does that accomplish in my life? I feel like I am doing nothing, but ruining my career that video games originally put the path for me in the first place. Which is stories...
It took me only today to realize what I have lost, and I got too absorbed into trying to perfect my gameplay, rather than playing a game for the meaning behind it. This is not what I grew up with... I am not a person who wants to play a game to be on the top of the leader boards, but to play a game with a narrative. I shouldn't care so much on trying to be the number one... And yet I ended up making myself focus on that aspect too much that, I forgot so many things...
The crushing reality is: I lost so many important things in my life, which includes those I grew so close to over video games, ever since I lost my computer. And I kept being sucked right back into playing games, losing the meaning behind a good story behind everything, and only looking at the mechanics and numbers behind the games I played. The feeling of guilt weighs even more so heavily than before, as I realized I slowly avoided talking to friends and loved ones for that boost of enjoyment of getting that rare piece of gear I have been going on weeks on end to get. I shouldn't lose the real meaning behind a good story. And I shouldn't lose myself to video games... As those that I share the connection with is higher than some entertainment... I feel sickened that I have fallen this way.
I do not blame video games, as I still clearly enjoy them. They are what set me on the path originally to become a writer. It is also what set me on the path to meet new people from all around the world. Just like coffee and cheesecake, I need to do it in moderation. Too much of a good thing can definitely be detrimental to my health, and even those around me. I do not plan to stop playing video games as a whole, but I do really need to go back to my old roots and be more active upon those I used to be around so much. In hopes that those I am with will forgive me for being so inactive these days. And perhaps one day, rekindle my love for writing once more.
Still Alive! Just not very talkative on FA
Posted 7 years agoI have been doing a lot of things on my end. Mostly just communicating with friends on Telegram. It is pretty much the best place to communicate with me these days, especially with a lack of a computer. I still use Discord, but sparingly.
Another place to get ahold of me is PS4. I am usually there playing video games. I also have a Switch, but I am rarely on there. I do however play a few games. If you want to communicate with me, you can always note me on here, or use one of the suggested methods above.
Aside from all that, I do wish to get back into writing again, but due to the constant drama, it has grown extremely difficult. This really did not help with my depression. Roleplay has helped me supress my depression, but it too has grown very difficult for me to concentrate these days. I do hope to remedy it soon...
Regardless, I think I need to start focusing on writing again. Mainly focus on practicing again, learning new words, learning grammar and proper scentence structures.
Hopefully I will get better. ^^ Time will only tell, you know?
Another place to get ahold of me is PS4. I am usually there playing video games. I also have a Switch, but I am rarely on there. I do however play a few games. If you want to communicate with me, you can always note me on here, or use one of the suggested methods above.
Aside from all that, I do wish to get back into writing again, but due to the constant drama, it has grown extremely difficult. This really did not help with my depression. Roleplay has helped me supress my depression, but it too has grown very difficult for me to concentrate these days. I do hope to remedy it soon...
Regardless, I think I need to start focusing on writing again. Mainly focus on practicing again, learning new words, learning grammar and proper scentence structures.
Hopefully I will get better. ^^ Time will only tell, you know?
Character Update!
Posted 8 years agoSo! I was thinking for a long while... But I figured something about my Sona, Jotie the Vaporeon. She will always and forever will be my sona. My 'other' sona is of course, Jotie the Lunarian. The difference between the two (Other than one is a Pokésona ans the other is a furry sona) is that thd Lunarian will always be a female, and the Vaporeon is a hermaphrodite.
At least that was the original idea.
I do not plan to change Jotie the Lunarian lore-wise. I thought of including a hermaphrodite Lunarian variant, but I like her too much as is.
The Vaporeon however...
I love her as a super well-endowed herm! Hell, borderline hyper sometimes! And given to her ability to grow due to her Water Absorb abilities, I figured to deal more when using her other abilities. She simply wouldn't be just a herm... But she can also take in two other genders! A male, and a female as well! This also applies to her feral form as well!
I plan to commission the artist : iconshibeari: more in order to get her other forms drawn out! Starting with her female, then male! Then see about getting a personal feral form of all three too! This though? It will definitely take quite some time!
Regardless...
I plan to work on getting other art I have promised! I am super excited for it! Do be warned though, but I am going to be getting vore-related art. So please be careful on what you click!
At least that was the original idea.
I do not plan to change Jotie the Lunarian lore-wise. I thought of including a hermaphrodite Lunarian variant, but I like her too much as is.
The Vaporeon however...
I love her as a super well-endowed herm! Hell, borderline hyper sometimes! And given to her ability to grow due to her Water Absorb abilities, I figured to deal more when using her other abilities. She simply wouldn't be just a herm... But she can also take in two other genders! A male, and a female as well! This also applies to her feral form as well!
I plan to commission the artist : iconshibeari: more in order to get her other forms drawn out! Starting with her female, then male! Then see about getting a personal feral form of all three too! This though? It will definitely take quite some time!
Regardless...
I plan to work on getting other art I have promised! I am super excited for it! Do be warned though, but I am going to be getting vore-related art. So please be careful on what you click!
Journal Clear and New Year~!
Posted 8 years agoJOURNAL MUSIC START
Yoe Mase - Despite All---
It has been quite a rollercoaster ride! I will be honest... I thought I was at my worst since December, but it seemed to have lingered all the way up until yesterday! However, things have grown a lot better now at least. And I promise that I will start gaining a new leaf. Becoming a better person. And begin to start focusing on trying to adapt and learn from all the mistakes I've made.
I won't lie... I have lost someone important to me, but there are still those that show their love and care that I am still glad I have. They have been a very strong support to me, and they have not even let me down once. I love them entirely with all my heart, and I feel like I haven't done enough to deserve such kindness. But no matter what... I will start being more optimistic rather being so pessimistic all the time! I am treating this year as a wake-up call for me... And I will just be myself. Yet a better self, rather than a reserved and hidden person.
NOW!
With all that sad sap stuff out of the way, there is one thing that I want to question! And I really hope people do go this far to read it! If you did, you guys are amazingly awesome, and this Vappy will love you guys forever because of it!
Well, I saved up some money to get a tablet. And I have no idea how to draw nor do I know how to use a tablet. Yet I have heard programs that I can use.
What tablet do I have?
Well, it's a really nice Wacom Intuos Draw Creative Pen Tablet one!
Now, my main question is... What program should I use with this? At least what's the best route to go at it?
I am not looking at a budget free program, but what works well with that program? I'm sorry for asking rather than looking it up. But the main reason why I am asking is because I want people's opinion on what program they use to draw! Especially if they use a tablet! And I do like to know why as well please! Of course knowing why is an optional thing.
---
JOURNAL MUSIC END
Florence + The Machine - Stand By Me25 journals skipped
