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I think I overthink things a lot.
Posted 4 years agoI hope I'm not a bother to anyone.
I get really anxious and nervous and worry for others who are close to me.
I want to try and help when things aren't going great, but I'm unsure of what to say or do. I'm scared I'll just make it worse.
I'm trying to be better, though. Everyone deserves respect and love.
I get really anxious and nervous and worry for others who are close to me.
I want to try and help when things aren't going great, but I'm unsure of what to say or do. I'm scared I'll just make it worse.
I'm trying to be better, though. Everyone deserves respect and love.
Cripplingly lonely...
Posted 6 years agoSorry if this isn't formatted so good... I'm absolutely exhausted mentally...
I always go through these cycles of getting increasingly lonely and depressed until I reach a high point of debilitating, crippling loneliness and being totally unmotivated and sad, before my body gets exhausted and drained from the high tension and stress and emotions...I've been on lots of dates and been with a good few partners, but I've also been dumped and abandoned a lot... I have so much pent-up love and affection I want to share, and no one to give it to. It's hard to get out there with my social anxiety but I do it anyways because being lonely is harder. Making myself vulnerable to try and make the pain go away. But that also makes it hurt so much more when they end up abandoning me... Even after giving them so much love, all of my attention, putting them first and caring and dedicating myself to them... Letting them fill my dreams and thoughts...
I want to be able to come home and be greeted by someone who really loves me for me, someone who cares about me, and who I can treat like a special, precious little treasure... Every night I go to bed alone it's just a little bit harder than the last, and some mornings I just can't find the motivation to even get up. I wish being lonely wasn't so depressing and debilitating for me... Some people are happy being alone and I wish it was just as easy as forgetting about it and being happy being alone but it's not, I really hate feeling like this it's so draining and crippling. I'm absolutely exhausted mentally...
It's really hard to put in my best effort at work... My art has been getting worse and I've lost all motivation to do it at all... I can't even be bothered picking up a controller to play a game... it feels like there's no reason to do anything. I've been so scared to tell anyone because I feel like people will just distance themselves from me because I would just be bringing them down and I'd end up even more lonely and just make myself even more undesirable. But I don't want to be lonely anymore... I'm willing to do anything to change that!
So, um... if any of you are in Canada B.C. in the Okanagan, or you know anybody else who is... Let me know..!
I always go through these cycles of getting increasingly lonely and depressed until I reach a high point of debilitating, crippling loneliness and being totally unmotivated and sad, before my body gets exhausted and drained from the high tension and stress and emotions...I've been on lots of dates and been with a good few partners, but I've also been dumped and abandoned a lot... I have so much pent-up love and affection I want to share, and no one to give it to. It's hard to get out there with my social anxiety but I do it anyways because being lonely is harder. Making myself vulnerable to try and make the pain go away. But that also makes it hurt so much more when they end up abandoning me... Even after giving them so much love, all of my attention, putting them first and caring and dedicating myself to them... Letting them fill my dreams and thoughts...
I want to be able to come home and be greeted by someone who really loves me for me, someone who cares about me, and who I can treat like a special, precious little treasure... Every night I go to bed alone it's just a little bit harder than the last, and some mornings I just can't find the motivation to even get up. I wish being lonely wasn't so depressing and debilitating for me... Some people are happy being alone and I wish it was just as easy as forgetting about it and being happy being alone but it's not, I really hate feeling like this it's so draining and crippling. I'm absolutely exhausted mentally...
It's really hard to put in my best effort at work... My art has been getting worse and I've lost all motivation to do it at all... I can't even be bothered picking up a controller to play a game... it feels like there's no reason to do anything. I've been so scared to tell anyone because I feel like people will just distance themselves from me because I would just be bringing them down and I'd end up even more lonely and just make myself even more undesirable. But I don't want to be lonely anymore... I'm willing to do anything to change that!
So, um... if any of you are in Canada B.C. in the Okanagan, or you know anybody else who is... Let me know..!
Coping with your fetishes
Posted 7 years agoI'm sure you, the reader, have at least one or two weird little kinks that make you feel all weird and squirmy... We don't know why we like them, and we can't help it, either. Some of us even hate that we like what we do, and hide it from the world at all costs! While some others are able to accept it as part of them, and are even proud of it! We all like different things, regardless of what they are, they make us unique!
I'm sure it's no secret that I like gassy stuff! I draw it lots, it fills my favourites gallery, and I like to talk about it and stuff... But truthfully it makes me feel so groossss. Like I said, we can't help what we like, but I still can't help but wish that sometimes I didn't have a fart fetish, or at least, I didn't like it as much as I do! I'm really in love with it, I'd call it an obsession, even... It's super fun to fantasize about. I especially like the thought of having a cute gassy boyfriend, hah~... But it's so crude and weird. I know there's weirder, grosser stuff out there, and I guess I'm thankful I'm not that extreme... I just sorta wish I could be normal haha. I worry it makes others think weirdly of me. I do my best to be polite and nice regardless!
I guess I just sorta wonder, is there a healthy sorta way you guys balance what you like and how "open" you are about it? And... finding others who like the same thing?
I'm sure it's no secret that I like gassy stuff! I draw it lots, it fills my favourites gallery, and I like to talk about it and stuff... But truthfully it makes me feel so groossss. Like I said, we can't help what we like, but I still can't help but wish that sometimes I didn't have a fart fetish, or at least, I didn't like it as much as I do! I'm really in love with it, I'd call it an obsession, even... It's super fun to fantasize about. I especially like the thought of having a cute gassy boyfriend, hah~... But it's so crude and weird. I know there's weirder, grosser stuff out there, and I guess I'm thankful I'm not that extreme... I just sorta wish I could be normal haha. I worry it makes others think weirdly of me. I do my best to be polite and nice regardless!
I guess I just sorta wonder, is there a healthy sorta way you guys balance what you like and how "open" you are about it? And... finding others who like the same thing?
Some random things 'n life stuff
Posted 7 years agoIn just three days, I'm gonna be visiting my pretty lovebird 
Cyrisus to spend Canada day weekend with, along with another entire week together! It will finally feel nice to share all my pent up love 'n affection, ahaha~... I might not seem too active, but I'll try to check in every little while, I'm not sure what sorta stuff we're gonna do yet! But it will be fun! On the 30th I'm going to make the drive up to Kelowna international airport, my first time ever making that long drive alone. I'm a little nervous, but it should be okay! I just have to follow the highway the entire time, and I even have GPS!
A few months ago, I started this great new job...! It pays well, I have benefits, and the hours are consistent, but it can be hard work. I work nights, which means 11pm to 7am every day. As such I've really only been active either super early in the morning, or very late at night. My sleep schedule needs to follow this, otherwise I'll be exhausted all the time! I was able to finally buy my own car, after getting my license last winter. Been driving my family's one whenever, but now it'll be nice to have my own, to go wherever I want when I want 'n not have to worry!
I haven't quite been in an arty mood as of late, have really been getting into a couple of weird games, like terraria, starbound, or runescape, and devoting a lot of my time to that, hah... Been managing my naughty Telegram group as well, and even opened my own F-chat channel under the same name, ("Gassy Furs", if you're into that sort of thing..!) after the owner of the old one showed his true colors and went AWOL. It's been growing at a crazy rate and being received really positively, which makes me happy!
As usual, I've been tryin' my best to fight and get over my anxiety problems, still unfortunately as prevalent as ever... I'm more of a reactive talker than a proactive one! Meaning I talk mostly when I'm talked at rather than starting conversations myself... But I still do love to talk 'n meet new people! If you're ever in the mood, absolutely feel free to say hello! I always do my best to be polite 'n kind, ahaha~
Cyrisus to spend Canada day weekend with, along with another entire week together! It will finally feel nice to share all my pent up love 'n affection, ahaha~... I might not seem too active, but I'll try to check in every little while, I'm not sure what sorta stuff we're gonna do yet! But it will be fun! On the 30th I'm going to make the drive up to Kelowna international airport, my first time ever making that long drive alone. I'm a little nervous, but it should be okay! I just have to follow the highway the entire time, and I even have GPS!A few months ago, I started this great new job...! It pays well, I have benefits, and the hours are consistent, but it can be hard work. I work nights, which means 11pm to 7am every day. As such I've really only been active either super early in the morning, or very late at night. My sleep schedule needs to follow this, otherwise I'll be exhausted all the time! I was able to finally buy my own car, after getting my license last winter. Been driving my family's one whenever, but now it'll be nice to have my own, to go wherever I want when I want 'n not have to worry!
I haven't quite been in an arty mood as of late, have really been getting into a couple of weird games, like terraria, starbound, or runescape, and devoting a lot of my time to that, hah... Been managing my naughty Telegram group as well, and even opened my own F-chat channel under the same name, ("Gassy Furs", if you're into that sort of thing..!) after the owner of the old one showed his true colors and went AWOL. It's been growing at a crazy rate and being received really positively, which makes me happy!
As usual, I've been tryin' my best to fight and get over my anxiety problems, still unfortunately as prevalent as ever... I'm more of a reactive talker than a proactive one! Meaning I talk mostly when I'm talked at rather than starting conversations myself... But I still do love to talk 'n meet new people! If you're ever in the mood, absolutely feel free to say hello! I always do my best to be polite 'n kind, ahaha~
Just looonnely.
Posted 8 years agoGosh, I don't really know where to go with this, or how to put it into words, but I just really wanna let it out, I hope it comes out well and orderly, not just as a big ball of sadness...!
I know I say it a lot, that I have some pretty bad anxiety issues... Truthfully, I've been doing my absolute best to fight them, and I feel pretty proud of that! I'm still more of a reactive talker than a proactive one... I have a ways to go, but I don't feel as scared and anxious when saying hello and stuff! However, somewhat of the opposite has become a problem..!
For the past two or three years, I've not had any sort of physical attention, of any kind whatsoever! No love, intimacy, romance... not even a hug! I'm not talking about roleplay stuffs, I mean real, in-person stuff! I live in a small Canadian town in southern B.C., there's not much here, and few people... Coupled with the fact I don't have very many friends who talk to me, has amplified my feelings of lonliness..! For the past little while, it's just been sort of a dull, empty feeling, tolerable but uncomfortable. But lately, it's been... downright crippling...! At least a couple times a week, do I feel absolutely crushed, and I have no idea why! I tend to keep it to myself, I don't want be all sad 'n lonely around others, but it's gotten to the point it's just really, really hard to keep to myself...! Sometimes I just wanna cry, ahah~...
I just dunno, I wanna be more social, I wanna meet more people, but... I just feel so needy, I just really want to feel loved, I don't want to sleep in an empty bed for much longer...! I'm in my mid-twenties now, I keep telling myself, just be patient, things will turn around, but I'm starting to just get really scared I'm gonna be lonely forever!
I apologize for being like this, I just can't help myself... Any sort of advice, encouragement, or otherwise would be appreciated! And of course, I'm always extremely happy to chat...!
I know I say it a lot, that I have some pretty bad anxiety issues... Truthfully, I've been doing my absolute best to fight them, and I feel pretty proud of that! I'm still more of a reactive talker than a proactive one... I have a ways to go, but I don't feel as scared and anxious when saying hello and stuff! However, somewhat of the opposite has become a problem..!
For the past two or three years, I've not had any sort of physical attention, of any kind whatsoever! No love, intimacy, romance... not even a hug! I'm not talking about roleplay stuffs, I mean real, in-person stuff! I live in a small Canadian town in southern B.C., there's not much here, and few people... Coupled with the fact I don't have very many friends who talk to me, has amplified my feelings of lonliness..! For the past little while, it's just been sort of a dull, empty feeling, tolerable but uncomfortable. But lately, it's been... downright crippling...! At least a couple times a week, do I feel absolutely crushed, and I have no idea why! I tend to keep it to myself, I don't want be all sad 'n lonely around others, but it's gotten to the point it's just really, really hard to keep to myself...! Sometimes I just wanna cry, ahah~...
I just dunno, I wanna be more social, I wanna meet more people, but... I just feel so needy, I just really want to feel loved, I don't want to sleep in an empty bed for much longer...! I'm in my mid-twenties now, I keep telling myself, just be patient, things will turn around, but I'm starting to just get really scared I'm gonna be lonely forever!
I apologize for being like this, I just can't help myself... Any sort of advice, encouragement, or otherwise would be appreciated! And of course, I'm always extremely happy to chat...!
Where are they now?
Posted 9 years agoBe me, feeling lonely, scroll through telegram, skype, and steam friends list. See lots of names of once-good friends I've since fallen out of touch with... feel even more lonely. But more importantly, it got me thinking... What happened to these once friends? How did I lose contact with them? Do they still think of me every once in awhile and wonder the same thing?
As said in a couple previous journals, I really have trouble approaching someone and saying hello... It's just difficult and I dunno why! I much prefer letting people say hello to me... I think this is perhaps why I've lost contact with so many people. The terrifying thought to me is they could think I don't like them and that is why I haven't said anything... Poor guys, I wish I could make this right. I know I still have a small handful of friends I regularly chat with, but, I still can't help but feel kind of lonely. Is that normal?
I understand lonely and alone aren't the same thing! I don't mind being alone sometimes! But more and more I find myself trying to surround myself with others, to try and make that feeling go away. In the end, I don't know what's causing it... Maybe my lack of companionship, or real-world friends, hah~...
It's weird, I don't feel depressed or sad... Just straight up lonely.
I may as well edit this and say I made a discord. My name is (I think) Jovial#5152.
As said in a couple previous journals, I really have trouble approaching someone and saying hello... It's just difficult and I dunno why! I much prefer letting people say hello to me... I think this is perhaps why I've lost contact with so many people. The terrifying thought to me is they could think I don't like them and that is why I haven't said anything... Poor guys, I wish I could make this right. I know I still have a small handful of friends I regularly chat with, but, I still can't help but feel kind of lonely. Is that normal?
I understand lonely and alone aren't the same thing! I don't mind being alone sometimes! But more and more I find myself trying to surround myself with others, to try and make that feeling go away. In the end, I don't know what's causing it... Maybe my lack of companionship, or real-world friends, hah~...
It's weird, I don't feel depressed or sad... Just straight up lonely.
I may as well edit this and say I made a discord. My name is (I think) Jovial#5152.
It's really hard for me to say hello!
Posted 9 years agoI've been wanting to write this forever. For months, at least, but I couldn't find the words... The thought comes up all the time, but I'm just afraid. Regardless, I'll try my best now I suppose!
So, you might have noticed I don't talk much... It's not because I don't want to, though! Quite the opposite, I really want to talk with others! But, I think because of my social anxiety... It's just really hard. The hardest part for me is initiating a conversation. Saying hello. I just have a lot of trouble doing that... I feel like I might be creepy, or awkward. Words just don't come out, or I sometimes can't think of anything meaningful to say! The absolute scariest thing for me is long silences... I just kind of overthink things. Think I've scared the other person off, or made them abandon me. It's stressful...!
There's lots of people out there I admire, and really want to talk to, get to know, and be friends with. (You might even be one of them!) But because of my stupid fear, I can't... For the love of god I want to, but I just can't. I almost exclusively rely on people approaching me and saying hello first, and sometimes I go to ridiculous lengths to try and get noticed! I just don't want to seem "clingy" or anything, I guess... I really want to be a friend, that's all! Friends are the most important thing to me, they make me incredibly happy, hah~... I just wish I was more confident, I guess.
Ah, I hope this didn't come across as some "woe is me" depression rambling or anything! I'm not at all depressed, not really, anyways. I'm a little lonely I suppose, but the purpose of this, is just to ask for advice, and let others know I'm not ignoring you! So... don't be afraid to say hello! If you want to, anyways...!
So, you might have noticed I don't talk much... It's not because I don't want to, though! Quite the opposite, I really want to talk with others! But, I think because of my social anxiety... It's just really hard. The hardest part for me is initiating a conversation. Saying hello. I just have a lot of trouble doing that... I feel like I might be creepy, or awkward. Words just don't come out, or I sometimes can't think of anything meaningful to say! The absolute scariest thing for me is long silences... I just kind of overthink things. Think I've scared the other person off, or made them abandon me. It's stressful...!
There's lots of people out there I admire, and really want to talk to, get to know, and be friends with. (You might even be one of them!) But because of my stupid fear, I can't... For the love of god I want to, but I just can't. I almost exclusively rely on people approaching me and saying hello first, and sometimes I go to ridiculous lengths to try and get noticed! I just don't want to seem "clingy" or anything, I guess... I really want to be a friend, that's all! Friends are the most important thing to me, they make me incredibly happy, hah~... I just wish I was more confident, I guess.
Ah, I hope this didn't come across as some "woe is me" depression rambling or anything! I'm not at all depressed, not really, anyways. I'm a little lonely I suppose, but the purpose of this, is just to ask for advice, and let others know I'm not ignoring you! So... don't be afraid to say hello! If you want to, anyways...!
What a day lol
Posted 9 years agoSo my family is gone for the week. It's just me and my brother. It's mostly peaceful, but he comes running up to me, panicked and bleeding, he's cut himself wide open by accident. I've never seen so much blood in my life! Since it's just me, my family being gone for the week, I have to know what to do, and have the answers! I get him to the bathroom and call 911. He's taken to the hospital, and I come by later that night to pick him up, he has stitches. Thankfully Canada has free healthcare.
I was also going to get on an old minecraft server with my friend,
Juventus, but he gets banned before I even join! Apparently, the mods were salty about a joke book he wrote, and they started to assume that he was me. To be fair, I myself was (unfairly!) banned from that server a year ago, but I go on time to time on an alternate account. Its just ironic that he gets banned, being innocent, and I don't, being "guilty"!
Lastly, I was going to plug in my 3DS, I wanted to play it to relax. The cable is right next to my pc, but clumsy me, I accidentally yank it from the wall, cutting power to everything in my room (PC included) I literally JUST built this pc, and for whatever reason, it wont turn back on...! It has a 550w 80+ gold power supply, which again, is brand new. I've checked for all the obvious signs, like a LED on the back, making sure it's actually turned on, or I have power... I'm optimistic, hoping in best case, it just somehow works in the morning. If not, then the power supply can be fixed, if not, replaced. And worst case, my motherboard is fried.
There are some real first world problems right here
I was also going to get on an old minecraft server with my friend,
Juventus, but he gets banned before I even join! Apparently, the mods were salty about a joke book he wrote, and they started to assume that he was me. To be fair, I myself was (unfairly!) banned from that server a year ago, but I go on time to time on an alternate account. Its just ironic that he gets banned, being innocent, and I don't, being "guilty"! Lastly, I was going to plug in my 3DS, I wanted to play it to relax. The cable is right next to my pc, but clumsy me, I accidentally yank it from the wall, cutting power to everything in my room (PC included) I literally JUST built this pc, and for whatever reason, it wont turn back on...! It has a 550w 80+ gold power supply, which again, is brand new. I've checked for all the obvious signs, like a LED on the back, making sure it's actually turned on, or I have power... I'm optimistic, hoping in best case, it just somehow works in the morning. If not, then the power supply can be fixed, if not, replaced. And worst case, my motherboard is fried.
There are some real first world problems right here
Others with social anxiety, any advice?
Posted 9 years agoMy social anxiety has really been crippling me lately...! I've been diagnosed when I was young, but once I was out of school, it didn't really feel that limiting. I'm hardly ever around anyone for over an hour. But recently, I've been getting more locally active, and it's just really seeming to "kick in." I don't have these problems when with a single or small group of people I know, nor being online. But, meeting new people, conversations, job interviews, and public events just make me... Lock up. I feel like I can't breathe, and a sort of, dizzy feeling, I guess. A few years ago, I attended my first (and only) convention in Vancouver, one of the biggest cities in Canada. Being a small-town person transitioning to a huge city like that was just nerve-wracking and brutal! I wanted to go out and meet others, hang out, attend parties... But just couldn't. I would have a panic-attack, I felt confined to my hotel room, and that I was letting everyone down. I haven't attended a single convention since, I'm afraid the same thing will happen...!
I really want to meet and talk to people! But when I do, I just can't seem to do anything...! Words just don't come out, and I make a lot of awkward silences... I don't know how to describe it. I'm not currently taking any medication or seeing doctors for it, but I feel like I might have to. I don't want to be a shut-in, too afraid to attend group meetings or see new people. I want to make new friends and meet normal people, and seem normal myself!
Just writing and posting this is taking a huge amount of effort, ahah... Anyone else that deals with this, do you have any advice at all? I'm really eager for help!
I really want to meet and talk to people! But when I do, I just can't seem to do anything...! Words just don't come out, and I make a lot of awkward silences... I don't know how to describe it. I'm not currently taking any medication or seeing doctors for it, but I feel like I might have to. I don't want to be a shut-in, too afraid to attend group meetings or see new people. I want to make new friends and meet normal people, and seem normal myself!
Just writing and posting this is taking a huge amount of effort, ahah... Anyone else that deals with this, do you have any advice at all? I'm really eager for help!
Anyone wanna play games with me? :p
Posted 9 years agoI haven't been in a very artsy mood lately, and been a little lonely. Was wandering if any of you wanted to play any games with me? My Steam name is Jovial_Mephit, and I have a small variety of games...! Among them, I have...
-Garry's Mod
-Left 4 Dead 2
-Portal 2
-Space Engineers
-Starbound
-Terraria
-Team Fortress 2
I'm also willing to consider any games you might suggest! Personally, I love playing Tf2, on crazy modded servers that is. I'm not much of a fan of the standard game, but I love things like Deathrun, Slender, Surf, TF2Ware, etc! It's tons more fun with friends! I haven't even touched Space Engineers yet. One of my past partners made me buy it to play with him, but... that never worked out :p Could be fun to try
-Garry's Mod
-Left 4 Dead 2
-Portal 2
-Space Engineers
-Starbound
-Terraria
-Team Fortress 2
I'm also willing to consider any games you might suggest! Personally, I love playing Tf2, on crazy modded servers that is. I'm not much of a fan of the standard game, but I love things like Deathrun, Slender, Surf, TF2Ware, etc! It's tons more fun with friends! I haven't even touched Space Engineers yet. One of my past partners made me buy it to play with him, but... that never worked out :p Could be fun to try
