I never clear my comment notifications cause I'm weird and I like seeing the number go up

But throughout today I've been watching it go down literally 1-3 times every time I refresh the page

Normally when it goes down, it's because someone's account got deleted, frozen, etc. and all their comments on all posts were removed

Or: A response to something I commented on had the original post removed

But if it's going down 1-3 at a time, that means someone is systematically going through all their own comments and removing them one by one

And I'm just like "Whoa, I've never seen this before"

Whoever you are, you can do it man

You can find all those comments you don't want associated with you anymore!

Hey all, I'm gonna be making some art of this

But for now, I just wanna make a journal to get the initial ball rolling

I've made a GoFundMe to help my family get out of California, we're running out of money rapidly, we can't afford to live here, and we have too many bills to pay to be able to leave.

This GoFundMe is raising $60,000 or anywhere near that we can get to try and jumpstart our escape from this state.

If you can help, please help, even if it just means sharing the link to people you know.

The link is right here.

Thank you so much, I love you.

~Jay

[Part 1]
FurAffinity: Loves It
Inkbunny: Loves It
Discord: Didn't post it here
Discord (Dark Content Server): Loves It
e621: Loves It

[Part 2]
FurAffinity: Loves It
Inkbunny: Loves It
Discord: Didn't post it here
Discord (Dark Content Server): Obsessed
e621: Hates it

Since I don't post my art to e621 (someone else does, thank you fans!) I don't mind them not liking it. It's not an audience I'm actively watching or interacting with.

I have moved around a *LOT* of things on my F-List, a ton of new faves since I got over a lot of squicks I had.

So here's the new and improved F-List for anyone interested in maybe RPing!

https://www.f-list.net/c/jay%20van%20esbroek

I'm embarrassed, I'm shy as fuck, and I'm just posting this and hiding and blushing and sweating.

My nervousness knows no bounds.

I am hoping, fingers crossed, that this goes smoothly and I meet someone.

Thank you for your interest I love you okay bye!

(This F-List will be updated as I think of more things to add or change my kink-moods!)

It's too hot today to work on my F-List

Anyone wanna slack off with me and not work on my F-List

And just like

Sleep instead

I wanted to get something off my chest.

My years on Tumblr and Twitter have made me quite afraid of discussing topics that the cultures on those sites deem problematic or toxic.

An announcement like "I don't think I'm trans, I think I'm just a feminine guy" would have gotten me attacked viciously on either website, so mentioning it in my previous journal here was a huge risk, but I've seen nothing but support from y'all furries, kind words and genuine interest in getting to know me from the boys of my follower base.

It's kind of astonishing.

On Tumblr, multiple times, I expressed how lonely and touch-starved I am, and how much I feel I'm unlovable, and how much I need a friend, and I've gotten ignored, told to fuck off, called transphobic (for literally no reason [Hell, I had a post where I was defending trans culture and was violently called transphobic and read such lovely messages as "If this guy posts a suicide note, nobody tell me, I don't fucking care"]), and various other delightful things.

So when I posted journals here about being bi, not being bi, being attracted to cisgendered people, even going so far as to say I don't even think I'm trans, I admittedly expected backlash. I've grown accustomed to just saying something, getting yelled at, deleting the post and leaving.

But y'all have been supportive, proud of me for being honest, even interested in RPing with me, some even straight up interested in dating me and I haven't even made my f-list yet.

I'm like.

I'm kind of in shock.

So when y'all are commenting, know that I am reading every single comment, even the multi-para ones, and I'm smiling super hard from the breath of fresh air that is the overwhelming levels of acceptance and kindness and proudness I've been getting thrown my way.

But I don't know how to respond. I wanna say thanks, I wanna keep the conversation rolling, but I gotta move past that fear of Tumblrites and Twitterlings attacking me for everything I say.

I gotta remind myself that FurAffinity was always a place where people were open minded and loving.

Hell, I gotta remember that y'all accepted me BEFORE I moved to Twitter

Back when I was KNOWN for drawing NON-CON ART.

When people used to say "God, Jay, you draw the best rape-face ever. <3" in my stream chats.

Instead of getting so angry with me that they made an Encyclopedia Dramatica about me (it's gone now, I miss it) because I developed an entire hater-base over drawing a commission of Rainbow Dash getting throat-fucked and crying.

Like, man.

It's a breath of fresh air being reminded the entire world is not Tumblr and Twitter.

And that there's entire communities of loving and accepting people who know how to differentiate fiction from reality.

Love you guys.
And gals.

Especially you fox gals.

I haven't finished making an f-list yet, I'm very slow at dang things

But I been thinking a lot about it and what I want it to entail.

I've thought about it long and hard, and I think I'm settling on "I want a boyfriend to RP with."

Like, a boy willing to play girl characters if the mood strikes, but, a boy.

I dunno what happened but I've been thinking a lot about my experiences in life with girlfriends. 9 years of a trans girlfriend using me and financially (and emotionally) abusing me while refusing to ever meet me IRL, a girlfriend who spent 2 months hanging out with me and then we hooked up and she immediately (literally an hour later) changed her mind after I made a public announcement that we were a couple and now my fans still think we're together a year after that heartbreak, various trans girls who I didn't like or get along with or wasn't particularly attracted to who spent months being ultra clingy and put me in an awkward position of not knowing how to speak with them, girls throughout my entire teenage life who treated me like shit and made me cry all the time.

Then I think about the boys in my life. The dudes, the guys.

We just talk. We get along, we hang out, we talk about sex stuff, we jack off, we look at porn, we eat burgers.

So few of them have ever been people I couldn't get along with or talk to.

So, y'know what?

I think I want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend who'll motivate me while I lose weight and get muscles, a boyfriend who'll play games with me, RP with me, go to the movies with me, etc.

I think that's what I want.

While we're here? Also? I think I might not be trans.

I know, I know, I should probably make an entire journal about that alone but I spent the literal whole day today thinking about my gender.

I think I'm just a boy, haha. I just like girly things! I like being feminine, giggling, being a cutie, but I don't think that makes me like, bigender or gender fluid.

I think I'm just a boy who likes to wear lipstick and shake my butt on Beat Saber.

Anyway that f-list is still coming!

So my previous journal mentioned I'm looking for a long term RP partner to be uh... "less lonely" with. Like a best friend that might one day become an online relationship type.

I'll be making an FList either tonight or tomorrow with a very descriptive in-depth description of just what kinda partner I'm looking for.

For those wondering, of course it'd be sexual! Very casually so. Like, two bros who hang out in the nude or in undies and they just kinda casually lick each other's balls, or a bro n sis who got a cockworship thing goin on and he wears more of her lipstick shades than she does.

It'd be very silly too, I wanna be adventurous and try weird new things like macro/micro or hyper play n such. The typical furry stuff. Minus the gross stuff. No dipes.

I tend to also do Out Of Character RP, which is "When we're not actively RPing in a scene, our fursonas are hanging out in the same room and just chillin. So if we're playing video games together, we're kind of imagining the two of us sitting side by side.

As for RP style, I'm a big fan of "It doesn't have to be detailed or paragraphs, as long as the point is made." So "*licks ur cock*" as a means of saying "Morning!" is fine.

Then there's the "You mentioned 'like a best friend,' does that mean th'two of us will hang out and play video games and even voice chat?"

Yep. Well, once both of us are comfy with that.

I'd want to know that we click before we start buddying around like we're dating. And I'd wanna make sure you're not a creepo depot.

That's what to consider before I make the fully detailed F-List page.

OH.

Also I RP on Discord, and as someone who used to RP on forums, leaving a post while the other partner is AFK and them responding hours later is perfectly fine. It does not have to draw away from either person's time and there is no inherent obligation to respond immediately! That's just dumb. Peoples got lives and sometimes they wanna be alone even if they're at the computer!

[Edit]: Also, might as well get this out of the way.

This is gonna sound weird? But my preference for a partner is cis boys and cis girls. I have 10 total years of dating trans girls under my belt and 9 of those years were me being casually used and abused by a trans girl so with all due respect, in the same vein as a girl who dates a lot of bad guys so she decides she doesn't like guys anymore (but not that extreme), I am not terribly interested in partnering with a trans girl. And I am trans bi-gender (but I'm comfortable with both pronouns, I am a boy physically!) myself just so y'all are know. I'll be honest, I'd actually prefer my partner call me a boy, too. It's a level of comfort knowing that we can just kinda drop all the pronoun stuff and just be a boy n a boy or a boy n a girl lmao.

Ty for understanding and I'm sorry if that sounds phobic!

I am looking for furry roleplayers for some 1-on-1 RP.

I'll have a full-on ad made up with an f-list and everything soon but for right now I just wanted to let everyone know, I'm looking for a long term RP partner.

This is partially out of loneliness and wanting to make a connection somewhere, tbh. I've found the people I get the biggest crushes on are people I click really well with in RP.

So if I wanna date someone I think RP's gonna be a good place to start.

I'm the kind of person who, I dunno, I think I have a trauma that never got resolved, but when someone is genuinely affectionate towards me, I lock up and don't know how to reply.

When girls flirt with me I go silent.

When guys flirt with me I go silent.

I have so much trouble forcing myself to reply because I don't know what to say in response, so usually I say nothing.

When I was younger I used to flirt with girls and they'd get weirded out, and then I'd feel like shit.

Girls would flirt with me sometimes and I'd say stupid shit and they'd change their mind.

I went on one date in my life with a girl named Angela, and I was a total shitlord, straight up wasn't natural or myself in any way and just made her uncomfortable because I spent the entire movie just complimenting her over and over.

Had a girl named Sharissa literally share a bed with me and grind her ass against my crotch and I just sat there confused and told her I didn't want to do anything sexual because I was scared and she said alright and we just slept.

I've had various situations of girls liking me and I liked them but I didn't know what to say or do so I did nothing.

I've had girlfriends who I don't even know how to have a conversation with. Literally, like
"Hey Jay"
"Hey"
"<mumbles something>"
"What?"
"<she doesn't reply>"
"Wha'd you say?"
"<she doesn't reply>"
"<I just go silent for the next 40 minutes>"

And I come out of those conversations confused and feeling alone again, like I'm not even in a relationship, like I'm just talking to a wall.

I've had so many situations of awkwardness and a lack of understanding how to respond to affection that I find myself just missing opportunity after opportunity.

To this day I have people who flirt with me regularly online, and I think they're great, but I just don't know how to respond so I choose not to respond. I clam up and have an actual panic attack. I lie in bed at night worrying I'm being mean to them by ignoring their affection, and I wonder if I'm ever saying the right thing when I do respond to them.

I just don't know how to act. Ultimately I think the reason is that I don't value myself as a lovable person.

I want to be loved but I don't think I should be.

I don't hate myself at all, I love who I am, I'm proud of myself for being level-headed and kind most of the time, and pride myself on creating positive environments for people.

But when someone comes along and genuinely likes who I am I just fucking ghost them because I don't want them to like me for some reason.

I feel like the abuse my dad beat into me telling me I'm unlovable and will never find anyone who loves me for 25 years of my life stuck with me and now I'm just a fuck-up who'll never accept that someone can love me.

I think I've grown over time to believe my dad. That I'm some kind of failure who no one will ever love, who'll always fuck up.

Sorry for the downer vent-post I just wanted to know if anyone has any advice.

I know the best advice is "Just respond, take a risk, worst case is you say the wrong thing and it doesn't go well and you learn from it, but best case is it works out. If you say nothing, you'll miss out on both cases and regret later that you said nothing, especially when you see them hook up with someone else and find happiness elsewhere. Even if you're happy for them you'll always beat yourself up for letting them go instead of at least trying to say something."

But somehow even though I know that I can't bring myself to follow through on it.

I dunno.

I had this dream when I was younger, and first getting into art, that one day I'd have a girlfriend who was learning to draw alongside me. We'd do everything together. Go shopping, cook, bake, clean, sleep, eat, draw, play video games, watch the rain, listen to music. I dreamed that one day I'd just have a best friend who would do stuff with me all the time.

But today I'm still alone, 32 years old, drawing by myself, never invited to multistreams, constantly fucking up and losing friends or saying the wrong thing and missing out on opportunities to make my dream come true.

I just wanna be happy and have someone to share my life with who shares my interests and is a partner in my future endeavors as an artist or even a comic writer or game designer or hell even musician.

But I'm still going it alone and missing opportunity after opportunity because I won't just push myself to actually respond when someone is nice to me.

I dunno.

Sorry for beating myself up in this journal but thanks for reading.

I'm not usually self-loathing this is outta the norm.

But right now, man, that's how I feel. Just alone and unlovable.

I think, rather than identifying as straight, gay, bi... I think I just want companionship, you know?

I thought about it this last week.

I like feminine features, skinny bods, long hair, petite frames, short height, quiet Fluttershy-like personalities, people who wanna be around me and love my company, people who like to snuggle up and watch movies, people who always wanna go do something but are completely happy staying home and watching the rain and talking about butts or something.

I want someone I can just hold who puts their head under my chin and makes cute little purr noises or goes 'nyaaaa' when they're sleepy.

I want someone cute and cuddly who loves being around me who watches me draw or draws with me and plays video games with me.

Who likes hanging out with my friends too.

And roleplays.

Honestly? I thought about that for a week and like... That person doesn't necessarily have to be a girl.

They could be a guy too.

If they had all those qualities AND were a boy, why would I be like "*snap* Aww maaaaaaaan, if only you were a girl"

No, I think I'd just

Be best friends with them and want to be around them all the time

I'd wanna share my life with them

I hope I can have that someday. Someone I can hold and take care of and give headpats to and make cocoa for.

...And y'know, obviously also bonus points if they call me daddy just saying.

I am only telling FA this, but like

Idk I've been feeling more like maybe I could be in a romantic relationship with a boy, lately.

Idk where it came from but yeah.

Why FA? Idk.

Maybe I'll meet a furry I click with and maybe I can date someone for a change.

I dunno how to meet people anymore.

I'm lonely.

It took like... something like 28 different brony fandom artists doing horrible disgusting awful inhuman things to me and my friends to finally get it through my thick head, but man

Furries > Bronies

So I'm back. Hey all, expect more furry art!

Anyone got a fursona they want drawn getting buttstuffed by Jay or fucking Eidi?

I'll even let you pick who y'do.

Jay won't be gentle, Eidi will whine.

Hope y'all are ready for like, an absolute tidal wave of pictures.

Over the last week, my "The Heroes of Tittia" commission type has been so insanely popular that I have drawn, I kid you not, 42 commissions in the THOT universe, and there are still over 100 waiting to pay and get drawn.

A total of 59 characters have been drawn for those pictures, as well.

I won't be posting ALL OF THEM at once, but I'll be slowly trickling them in.

Enjoy!

More info about THOT can be found here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43830493/

When FA Staff was like "We're working on huge site changes" and one of the features listed was THE ABILITY TO CHANGE YOUR USERNAME

Boy I'd fucking nut for the ability to change my username, the "R" in "JR Van Esbroek" is linked to my abusive father who beat me for 23 years and I'd really really REALLY like to not have that in my username anymore lmfao

Please give a read to this full explanation here to see what's going on and why I'm trying to raise $4000 for a root canal.

I am struggling. I am disabled, I am constantly being declined government or social security aid, I can't get in contact with lawyers because they keep saying they'll call me tomorrow and never call me, and I'm living in a burned down town (Paradise CA, look up the 'Camp Fire' of 2018)

I need help.

I hope you give the top thing a read. I'm at my wit's end. I can't deal with this. I'm panicking.

Thank you for taking some time to read.

Spread the word if you can, please.

And if you can donate, I appreciate it greatly. Donate links are:

PayPal.Me
Donate button in the upper right of my primary site

You can also commission me (My backlog is huge, just look at this list. Pink, purple and gray mean they're paid for.) by clicking here and submitting a form.

Thank you, I love you.

My tooth hurts.

~Jay

I'm taking a trip back to California from Ohio to help my mom get her house cleaned up and repaired for selling.

But, doing so requires money.

So, commissions are open to help fundraise that trip!

Prices (with examples):

Sketch: 40 per character
Inked: 80 per character
Flat: 100 per character
Shaded: 140 per character

The best way to contact me for a commission is to join my Discord Server and DM me (I'm "00.exe" up top in there) with what you'd like and your character references.

The second best way is to go to my Commission Submission Site and put in all the info that's asked for.

Thanks! Love you all!

Got your attention, eh?

I want to get back into furry art, and in order to do so I'm going to draw some furries.

So, submit me 1-3 of your furry OCs or just your fursona.

I will be picking random ones once my health improves and I feel like drawing again.

You don't have to tell me about their personalities this time around, since any pictures I do will just be them standing there in an outfit of my choosing.

Go go go, fill the comments.

https://www.patreon.com/posts/46022376

I've created a new tier for the Jaytreon which allows you to submit your OC to a pool that I will draw from occasionally to make scribbles of!

Since it was introduced this month, anyone $1 and up can get in on it via the post above.

But starting next month, only $11 and higher supporters will be allowed to submit OCs.

Unlimited slots! Hope to see some folks submitting OCs!

https://www.patreon.com/LilMissJay

I have some new full-color commission slots, and I think there's 1 remaining, plus there's some $40 sketch slots still open!

Just lettin' y'all know cause last day before January! :D

On my way to get my gallbladder removed in my very first surgery of my life.

I hope that after 76 days now of constant stomach pain, this is the solution.

Gallstones! And yesterday we found a couple small ulcers but I got meds for those. Mostly just Gallstones!

I've been informed recently that there's a large following in China for Lil Miss Rarity and other grimdark pony blogs.

https://www.patreon.com/posts/44731865 This Patreon post I made serves as a thank-you to them which gives them credit and shows some of their works!

This is not an invitation for "I'll roleplay with you, Jay!"

But, I've been starved for RP for like, years.

DnD has given me a small outlet, but I really like text-based 1-on-1 RP. Especially of the "E" RP variety.

I used to play Furcadia for my fix on a daily basis, but nowadays all I got is FFXIV and WoW, and finding good RP on those is difficult.

Is there a good RP community out there somewhere?

It mien (Nov 17st)

Love you