But seriously heh, I'm not going to be posting here anymore, so for more new music go to my new FA:

 TonyaSong
 TonyaSong
 TonyaSong

Also I have WEASYL:

https://www.weasyl.com/~tonya
https://www.weasyl.com/~tonya
https://www.weasyl.com/~tonya

Tell your friends and continue to support my music as you have been doing so wonderfully. I have been very blessed to have such a wonderful audience and I am excited to be able to create more wonderful works of music for you all!

No I'm not leaving FA, however, I'm going to start anew and create a new account here:

 TonyaSong
 TonyaSong
 TonyaSong

GO AND WATCH ME THERE NOW!!!! I am eventually going to discontinue the use of this profile once enough of my base has watched me there.

Also I have WEASYL:

https://www.weasyl.com/~tonya
https://www.weasyl.com/~tonya
https://www.weasyl.com/~tonya

Continue to support my music as you have been doing so wonderfully. I have been very blessed to have such a wonderful audience and I am excited to be able to create more wonderful works of music for you all!

Part 1 of this journal was an interesting journey and I appreciated all the comments which gave me different perspectives on everything relating to superheroes. Originally the superheroes part was just a subsection of this journal I wanted to make but it took a life of its own. I'm kinda glad it did as it was a very interesting discussion between commenters.

Before I continue, I wanted to make the title "Forgotten Characters and 'Perfect' Characters" but due to space on the title, I was not able.

Here is something I think I really wanted to give mention to. There are certain characters I feel we either have yet to see represented enough in storytelling OR are not brought out to light enough. I remember the speaker at the commencement speech at my undergrad university say something that has stuck with me for a long time. "Why can't an American Idol be a teacher?" The speech itself was very riveting but that line stuck. Where are all the hero teachers and why aren't they more talked about? Heck, I attribute becoming who I am to one of my high school teachers to this day! What are some other characters that we have yet to see and can you name some? There are some to me that stand out. Some of these include, the single mother, the troubled youth fighting to unlearn all the negative lessons of his/her world, the transgender just trying to live their life (I am sure this one will appear sooner or later though), the Native person telling their own story (see Avatar/Dances With Wolves told by the colonizer perspective), and many others I can not really think of right now. Like I said, do add more character types you think need to be more told.

The reason I bring some of these up is that they lend themselves well to real personalities affected by their surroundings for better or for worse. Sometimes I find myself not even noticing that there are some repetitive and unrealistic traits to a lot of characters that make them not believable, and diminish their character, making them two dimensional. Here I found this article that lists some of these:

http://mythcreants.com/blog/five-un.....racter-traits/

While they're all worth noting, I want to talk about number 2 and 3 the most as I feel like these are where the biggest flaws in writing characters lies.

For number 2: This is why I mentioned the "troubled youth" character in the earlier paragraph. I think it would be very interesting to see a more long term struggle of a character trying to unlearn everything they had learned up to that point in their lives, realizing why a change was urgent. It is almost too "perfect" when characters supposedly grow up in societies where cruel killing is glorified and yet somehow all along they "knew" it was not a good way and had to defect. Sorry, that's bullshit. The most recent example of this in movies/stories I've seen was in Guardians of the Galaxy (the movie) with the character Peter Quill. He is according to the movie rescued by the bandit group (sorry I can't remember the name of them but you know who I'm talking about). While the rest of the crew seems to have no qualms about using extreme and torturous means to get what they want, Peter Quill seems so far removed from that that it is not even really believable that he was raised by those guys. Really? Unless I'm missing some key piece of information, but even if I did, that still leaves so much unexplained.

For number 3: This one probably bugs me the most, characters that are unaffected by hardship. There are so many cases of this throughout storytelling, and even I've done this one in my own storywriting admittedly. I'll not go on and on about this one, but to make a character that is believably breathing and living, it means the character has to have realistic reactions to traumatic and negative experiences. Once again, when a character doesn't, it makes the character out to be "perfect" or "superhuman".

You might notice that in both of these, I use the word "perfect". In this context I don't mean the character is literally perfect in every way in the way they act within their worlds, but rather that the character is conveniently "perfect" for the world and narrative they exist in. The character is too perfectly equipped emotionally, physically, and spiritually to face the challenges befacing them and meanwhile the story pretends this same character is somehow going to struggle to overcome these tasks. I will give credit to storytellers though that sometimes even with these types of "perfect" characters, they do a good job convincing the audience that the subject of the story is weaker than they actually are, which is enough to engage the audience. For me however, sometimes I just grow tired and catch on too quickly now.

What do you guys think are some examples of characters that haven't been done before? What are some other character clichés that also annoy you? What are some examples of these clichés? Do you disagree and perhaps are in the school of thought that really everything has been done already? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Hello everyone. I know I still need to do part 2 of the last journal, which I'll write soon. I had a weekend full of gigs which left me exhausted and hence I haven't had the energy to write the second part.

Anyway, there's also been a lot on my mind now that I'm decided on transitioning is, I want to change my name. This is extremely daunting since I've known myself as Juniper for so long and well, so many people feel the same, yet, with my transformation as its coming, I think it may be the right time now. I also want to create a new username as a result. Not only because my current one still says "Juniper" but because it also says "squirrel" which is now a long time unused former fursona.

My new name will be Tonya. I got the idea for that name in two people: Tonia Jo Hall, comedian; and Tonya Little Wolf who runs a wolf sanctuary in Lucerne Valley, California.

I would like to make a new username on FA for it. The issue with that is, I've uploaded so much work onto this profile already, that it feels kinda difficult to leave this behind. Also, as I said in an earlier journal. I am getting so many views per upload lately that I fear I'll loose a lot of my watchers and viewers in a move to a new account.

No easy answers of course, but nonetheless, I am strongly considering the username change. I have contemplated it for a very long time as it is.

EDIT: I'm trying to think of a good username. "Tonya" on its own is already taken. I don't want to use a species name in my username anymore as well,

OMG there are SO MANY superhero movies out lately!! Has it always been that way or am I only just now noticing it? Seems like every other month they're making a movie of YET ANOTHER superhero, looking to keep doing it until they exhaust the list of superheroes out there. Don't worry, this isn't a rant about superhero movies, or a rant about superheroes, but hey, I already made several comments about Hollywood's lack of originality.

This two-part journal is actually more to talk about certain types of characters and story types that seem to get all the spotlight in mainstream and even independent writing. I did some googling to see if I could find some articles about it. I found stuff here and there, but if anyone else has any good articles about "perfect" or "normal" characters, as well as stuff about superheroes and why we like them, or about overtold archetypes, feel free to link them in the comments. This first part is about superhero characters and superhero stories.

I don't have a beef with superheroes. I grew up with them like everyone else did (yeah I wasn't isolated from the mainstream as some people might think). I saw them as a kid and watched them and enjoyed them, and in fact I was and still kinda am a fan of X-Men. I know that a lot can be said in favor of superheroes, but the biggest reason I am not big on superheroes is, no one is really a superhero. Now, I get that for most people that's a reason to really be into them, they're fantasy characters that can do things that we can't and that's exciting to read about and watch, and that's definitely a great case for them and I can see why they have such a great appeal. For me however, I don't find as much enjoyment out of it because, we all face huge problems in our lives in many different forms, either in our personal relationships, or our personal struggles, or larger struggles that we face as a society both physical and not, and we face all of these problems with just us ourselves. We are not bulletproof like Superman, we can't grow super-muscular like the Hulk, we do not have some kind of superstrength infused into us like Captain America. We are just, us. This is why I love characters who are perceived as "weak" and have no "special ability". I remember there is one moment in the second Spiderman Movie (the one with Toby Maguire) that still stands out to me to this day. It is the scene on the NYC train where the regular citizens try and stand up to Dr. Octavius to protect Spiderman as he is laying weak. They look scared but they are brave and each individually say "you will have to get through me". They have nothing of super strength to stop Dr Octavius but do so anyway. The downside of that scene is that they're all completely unsuccessful as Dr Octavius easily gets through the mass of people. See? We're useless unless we have superpowers. We are ill-equipped to deal with the power of supervillains. We are too weak and need a savior. We can't succeed without superpowers, or without waiting for someone to come who DOES have them.

This sort of takes us to another aspect of superhero stories that tend to just make me shrug: supervillains. It's not just about the superpower in this case. In this case it's their motives and their professions. They are always this generic "evil" thing whether this leader with thugs who wants to take over the world or universe, or some kind of mob boss, or some other ring-leader heading some "evil" organization out to do "evil" to us regular citizens. It rarely ventures out of anything that is a "good" vs "evil" setting. Once again, in the real world, "evil" is not so basic and easy to identify, and neither is "good".

Lastly, most superhero stories seem to take place either in a massive city or in some multi-planet/galaxy world. Seems the entire world is always on the brink of total anihilation from total destruction. I can't relate to this as much being from small-town-bordering-the-rez, Arizona. Besides the difference in size of the world, my issue is this. Sometimes in these multiplanet stories I begin to wonder, is there a small community in some planet somewhere that is struggling to remain alive and yet is going totally and unfairly unnoticed thanks to the fact that there's a "more important" story affecting the entire universe? That is often how I feel, because, to give a concrete example, no one is interested in hearing about a land dispute over what is sacred lands to us being used for oil drilling or a resort or mining. These are the battles we face, but are always overshadowed by some other "larger" issue that everyone is talking about. So this is why I find myself once again feeling alienated in these. I see myself in one of those smaller planets in a small village in that planet, and the issues (maybe very serious ones) they are faced with will never really be talked about.

To not be completely negative about superhero stories and superhero characters, some people have asked me what my ideal superhero would be if I have so many problems with the existing ones. Before I answer that, I want to say I don't have a "problem" with superhero movies. I like everyone else like seeing explosions on screen and these fantastic battles going on between non-existent but creatively made characters. My "issue" is that I have grown kinda bored of it for the reasons stated above. So what would interest me? Often when people talk about what they would like to see, it is not always how they think in their head, but here is what I think I would like. I would like a superhero that either with some kind of superpower or by his or her own will, saves people from the grasps of poverty, the cycle of crime, and political violence. To describe it would be a journal in and of itself, but if anyone wants to hear, I can try to describe it. As I said, this is always hard to fully conceptualize but I am open to trying to explain it further.

Here is the first part of this journal. In the next journal I will talk about stories that deal with characters and stories that are unrealistically "perfect" and "normal". I will actually not be talking about Mary Sues but more along the lines of the manners in which characters are set up and developed. I will also link an article that actually describes a lot of what I have felt about it. Thanks again for reading!

First of all, thank you to all who commented on my last journal and asked me on Skype or messenger if I was okay yesterday. Today I am much better, I am feeling at 100% and I'm back to feeling like my normal self, which can be good and bad lol. It appears it was just a stomach bug and I am eating like normal today without any problem. Thank you all for your kindness and for caring about me. Now onto the journal topic.

Wow, I'm amazed how many people have told me, within this past week or so since the announcement, that there is going to be a remake of the Secret of NIMH. Hurr hurr it's not like I'm constantly blabbing to everyone incessantly about how it's my absolute favorite movie of all time :B But yes, people wanted to know my thoughts about it, or to warn me that this was happening.

My initial reaction to this was honestly just fangirl mode "OOH NIMH!!!" Another mouse movie! Then, I sort of took a neutral stance of, "We'll see how this turns out, it could be good, it could be bad." But now I'm swayed in the direction that I think most people fall into right now "This is not going to be good..."

Let's begin by stating the obvious: THIS ISN'T A MOVIE THAT NEEDS TO BE REMADE!! But okay, sure, Hollywood is in the habit of it so why not? Awful... Now let's go to the next unfortunate part of this. It seems they want to take it in a direction that is more lighthearted than the original Don Bluth movie. It is described as "an origin story in which an imperiled mouse protagonist befriends a comical crew of lab rats as they turn hyper-intelligent." Comical crew of lab rats??? It'll be written by Michael Berg who did Ice Age 5, great! Sounds like only the best people out there are working on this movie! This is totally not going to be another Smurfs or Alvin and the Chipmunks type movie (oops, they actually used those two movies as examples). Well, what they meant by that is, it's going to be a live action movie with CG rats and mice. Excuse me while I go flush myself down the fucking toilet (aka mouse suicide).

No seriously, we mice need to stand against this. This is going to be an insult and an awful representation of our species and we shouldn't have to stand for it! Mouse protests! All kidding aside... I can't say that I'm legitimately that angered as I've jokingly pretended to be, but can honestly say I'm not looking forward to this being anything near any of the magic of the original Secret of NIMH movie. Now, let's talk about the original movie briefly. At least, I'm going to try and keep it brief, because I could write a whole book analyzing the movie.

This is such a compelling story with a protagonist who is extremely rare in storytelling, especially today. Doug and Rob from Channel Awesome make a great point about Mrs Brisby in that this is possibly the only main protagonist who is a single mother in animated movies, but I'll go a step further and say in most mainstream storytelling in general. She is such a great character because she is not your typical strong, powerful, save the world type of character. She is a simple, humble, single mother who is legitimately scared of the outside world, but goes through great lengths facing those deathly fears head on, and she is motivated by what? By the love for her sick son! This is such an understated aspect of this character and story, and is the very definition of true bravery. Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is also certainly not just a superhero facing a supervillain. Bravery is being willing to face those fears all for the love of someone else. It is hard for me not to tie this into my Indigenous culture and how this is also what we believe about bravery and what a brave person is and does, which only adds an extra element of love that I have for this story and this character. The movie however is so excellent because those fears are actually personified and brutally displayed. The movie had such a serious tone to it that people often say "treated the audience like an adult" but I think it's more of an, "it showed the audience the real world." Awful things happen: loved ones die too soon in tragedies, you face family crises, you see the face of torture, you see the ugliness of politics, you see the brutality of a kill-or-be-killed society. Yet, you can make it through the darkness with the love you have for those around you and the bravery that is motivated by that love. Brilliant!

Now cue the record scratch and let's quickly be reminded of what's being said about this remake. They're already trying to reassure us that it's going to be more lighthearted and that it's going to be comical. These are already the first things they are telling us about the remake, and that's unfortunate because now it sounds like they just want to make a comedy out of something that just has a remarkable about of profound storytelling. Quite honestly, I'm more mad that animated movies have to do this and that they can't be more serious like Secret of NIMH was. I hate that everything has to be light-hearted, and while I don't mind light-hearted themed movies, not all of us live in candy land. Life is brutal, and more brutal for some than others. I want to see something I can relate to. I can't relate to any of these cartoons nowadays, and for that matter I can't relate to a lot of a good amount of Disney movies out there for other reasons, though I am still certain they'll all be better movies than what we're about to see come out of MGM. So, what was closer to the real world as was Secret of NIMH is now turned into this comical relief story that I'm certain will mellow out all of the dangers that Mrs Brisby, or Mrs Frisby depending on what they decide to call her, had to face. That's an insult to the character and everything she stood for and belittles all the struggles she fought through.

Just as a final comment, this is, again, so typically Hollywood. Everything is being remade. It is partially our fault, we're consuming all the remakes so it makes sense for them to do things they know will get a reaction. But it's also an element of, Hollywood has become so plastic. It's not even just about them being remakes, it's about who they're getting for some of these movies too. Some of these actors I swear are just cardboard-cutouts who have pretty faces that are just made to sell. Just earlier today I heard they're making another Ghostbusters movie. Really? But the final kicker was not just that it was being remade but who they were casting as one of the ghostbusters. They were casting Channing Tatum as one of the ghostbusters and calling it a very action oriented type film. The original cast was perfect because they were the perfect guys to play this group of sort of eccentric outcasts/societal rejects who end up saving everyone. Remember how much of dorks those guys looked? Now they cast Channing Tatum. Please just image search Channing Tatum, and look at his face expressions. He has that eyes half open "not quite smile" "hot guy" expression that has characterizes Hollywood. It's just so fake, no one's face expression is naturally like that. But that's Hollywood in a nutshell, so are we surprised all of this is happening? Perhaps, once again, we are to blame for it. We are consuming all of it. (Well you guys are, It's extremely rare for me now to go see a movie)

Well that's it. I tried to keep this brief and I could have done better but there are my thoughts. I could honestly write even more about it as I said, but I think most of what needed to be said was said. I hope that this awful trend in movies comes to an end at some point soon, not just for the good of Hollywood but for the good of art in general. Let's consume good art form again. Let's be able to admire something for it's artistry. Let's be able to want to make something based on the passions and feelings that drive us and not based on how much money we can make out of it. Most importantly, let's be able to tell real stories with real characers again!



EDIT: I FORGOT TO MENTION THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE THIS A FRANCHISE WITH SEQUELS!!! *Scurries off toward the toilet*

It's super rare that I get sick. I find that I have a pretty good immune system. That said, usually I take extra precautions being that I need to perform with my singing voice a lot and I can't afford to get sick. When I do get sick though, it's a full-blown sickness.

I've been sick to my stomach since last night. Not to be tmi but I ended bowing and making three offerings to the porcelain gods last night if you know what I mean >.< and at different times of night. I definitely was vomiting some bad food. I did not sleep well at all and I was hallucinating from lack of sleep and the stomach pain wouldn't go away.

Today I was in bed pretty much all day. I could hardly get up. I had to ask a coworker to get me food from the grocery store since I didn't have much I could eat and Monday is usually my day to do the groceries. I just asked for soup, bananas, pears, and pre-maid salads. For whatever reason he also bought me a small tub of squid??? O_o okay... But I was really grateful for the help today. I've hardly eaten today though. I just had one can of soup, one pear, and one banana. I had to force myself to eat since I otherwise did not want to but know that I have to.

Feels like the day went to waste as I lay in bed just watching youtube videos to try and keep me entertained, and sometimes I couldn't even do that as it would make me dizzy and make me want to throw up again. 24 hours later though I am feeling considerably better. I am still in a little bit of pain but I'm nowhere near as bad as I was last night. Hopefully by tomorrow I can be back to my normal self. I want to eat and yet I don't. I hardly ate today because my stomach can hardly take it, but I am also hungry. Ugh.

Thank you to those who read this journal. I guess I wrote it out of boredom, since today was so uneventful outside laying in bed in pain. I'm feeling much much better now than last night with some recovery still to go. Hopefully I'll be back to full health tomorrow.

I want to write a special journal for all of you out there who have been following me, both those who only recently found my FA page and those who have been watching me since I first made this account all the way back in 2010 (wow time flies). Back then I was still a squirrel, as my username still indicates.

Right now I am enjoying the best view counts per upload that I've ever had. I am averaging somewhere around 100 views per music submission, which on FA is just amazing. I'm averaging higher view counts than art by some of my favorite artists on FA which is crazy to think about. I am really happy you guys all enjoy my music enough to listen. I know I don't get back to all your comments on my submissions but I definitely want you to know they're greatly appreciated!

I also want to give a big thank you to those who read my journals and comment. Blogging, expressing my experiences, is something that I enjoy and that is therapeutic for me. I greatly appreciate those who read and listen to my life experiences and struggles. It means a lot for me to be heard.

Once again, I am glad you guys are enjoying viewing my page. There are so many older uploads that you should take a look at btw! Don't let those uploads get less attention! Love you all!

Something magical happened to me today. I am in such a wonderful mood as a result.

This morning I woke up, and when I woke up, I confidently felt and said to myself, "I am a woman." I had never felt so confidently about it as I did this morning, it was just so solidified in me that I was just full of confidence in myself. But that wasn't the only thing that happened. A few hours later I started getting ready for work, and so I went to the bathroom to brush my hair and look at myself in the mirror, and then something even more magical happened. I saw a woman in the mirror. I gasped in surprise and shock, and then ran into my room and just started weeping in joy. Looking and feeling like this used to feel so distant and far away, and I thought I would have to go to far greater lengths to be able to feel this. I wasn't even wearing women's clothes, just a thick sweater and that was enough. I'm just overwhelmingly happy right now. I feel like I can finally confidently say "I'm a woman." A feeling that I thought was distant, now it is here right now, with me.

I had a really good time at Anthro New England. I said this on twitter a lot but I am just really impressed with how the con staff managed this con. I'll talk more about that later in the journal. For the first time ever, I got PCD, post con depression :( All fun things come to an end.

The location of the con was great for me and it was conveniently within driving distance. Only about 20 minutes from where I live in Saugus, and about 5 minutes away from where I work. I was easily able to commute each day to the con. Parking was great in that the con actually worked it out so attendees could get validation, even if they weren't staying at the hotel. I literally paid only $8 to park the entire weekend.

I arrived Friday afternoon after work and met up with friends. Friday was mostly for catching up with people I had not seen in a long time. Among others I met with  Betsy and  Christaphorac at the dealer's den and also ran into  shani-hyena. Went out to dinner with  Mykul,  reimaru-kun, and  LunarNight. We went to Cheesecake Factory at Cambridge Galleria. I have to say that was the best burger I had had in a long time. As we waited for our table, me and LunarNight actually went to the Best Buy at the galleria where I found a DVD of both Secret of NIMH movies, and I admittedly bought it because of the cover art, plus it was only $4 dollars, but it was the highlight of my day! After dinner I actually went home to end the day early.

Saturday I came in early and brought my  Naayan suit along. Before I suited, I did some more meeting up with people. I got  baron_bach started as he arrived that day in what was his first furry convention. I then suited up and went to part of the demonstration of the trained dogs (I am really sorry, I don't remember exactly what this was called). I was so tired I was actually sleeping through part of it, as no one could see that I was sleeping underneath my fursuit head. Then the parade got started and I marched near the front of the line. We had a good amount of suiters for this con. After the parade I got out of suit and briefly handled an errand and then came back. Met with a few more people including  Mikhowl,  admiralstiggy,  lonewolfartz, and  professorbeast. Later that night with Mykul, Rey, and LunarNight we had a game of Cards Against Humanity, which now seems to be like a staple of every furry convention I go to. We had pizza, I had cheese slices, naturally. I then called it a night, before coming back the next day.

Sunday was a short day but yet was still a lot of fun. I didn't suit but I had a blast watching the fursuit games. I have yet to participate in them at any con myself but it was really fun to watch and I was more giggly than ever. The rest of Sunday was just general hanging out and leaving early to avoid the snow we had last night.

It was a really simple con but it was still a lot of fun and really good for a first year con. Apologies in advance if I forgot to mention anyone here in the journal, but I had fun meeting you anyway! As I said on Twitter, beyond the "fun stuff" in the organizing of a con, simple logistics can make or break a con. The logistics of this con worked really well. Everything seemed to have run very smoothly and it made for a very enjoyable con. I think the staff of this con are the unsung heroes and deserve a much bigger applause.

Now it is done and I have post con depression lol, but oh well, until next time, I look forward to hanging out with more of you fluffies out there. Cons always leave me in a mood where I want to hug everyone. I love furry conventions!

Once again, I'm not in the habit of making memes, but if anyone's going and wants to meet up let me know. More or less what my schedule is going to be like:

Friday I am working in the morning but I free up in the afternoon and will be around to meet up, but I won't be suiting until Saturday.

Saturday I will be there for most of the day and I'll be suiting! I just have one little errand in the afternoon but other than that I'm there all day.

Sunday I'll be there in and out and will be available to hang out and do stuff!

If you want to get in contact with me and meet me, send me a PM!

Every so often, perhaps not as much as I should, I realize how blessed I am to have so many supportive and helpful friends and family who have given me guidance when I have needed it most. I say this more than anything because of the support I have received in my journey through learning about my own gender identity, and have helped me even in meditation and prayer. Inevitably, we live in a society that does not build an environment for which gender-queer (to keep it in a simple term for anyone who diverges from the gender-binary) can be allowed to flourish, so most of society misunderstands (an understatement) exactly what it is to be gender-queer.

From what I've been taught, by friends, family, my culture, and other sources is that gender is a very broad topic and can go in so many different directions, and there are an endless number of gender-identities for one to identify with. For me, I have come to see my own gender identity as a journey, as it is ever-evolving and ever teaching me more and more about myself. Most of you know I was "born male". I still see my childhood as male. Now, for some trans/gender-queer people, they will see their childhood and wish they had had a childhood in the gender they later discovered they are. For me, I still embrace being a boy child. Neither of these are wrong, they are simply two ways of looking at your own identity. What I see in my journey is I am that little boy growing up and that boy is still in me, alive and as ready for an adventure as always. That boy has just grown up to become a strong, fighting woman. The woman I am becoming now. But I also am not simply a woman. I do many times identify as male in certain situations, and my fursonas and characters sort of reflect that, being I have characters of both genders.

The definition of my gender identity doesn't stop there though. It also is affected in the tasks you perform in your day. Here is where I often refer back to my culture's view of gender identity. In most Indian tribes of this continent there were many more gender identities than the binary known to western society. While I am O'odhami, I was brought up in the Dineh culture. We have an actual gender term for what I am, which is "Naadlehi". This word is probably more correct than labeling myself female but the English language (and for that matter most western languages) has no equivalent. Had I lived prior to colonization my role would go something like this: In the day-to-day of the goings-on in the village I would be working with the women, on the pottery, or sewing, grinding corn, etc. and in times of war, I would go out with the men to battle. This description is possibly the best short description of my gender identity. My character, Beast Killer is probably the best example of this, born female and does the same tasks that I would do in her village.

What does that all imply for me in my current day life. First of all that I have decided that my preferred pronouns are "she" "her" etc. I have talked to my sister a few times about her helping me to appear far more female out in public and that part of me is a work in process. I am fortunate that here I have a safe haven where I can be fully female or better put, fully Naadlehi and be myself. I also once again have to say how blessed I am to have such supportive friends who have been at my side through discovering more and more about my gender identity. As I have said before, it's really a journey and I know that as time passes, there will be more that I will discover about myself. There are so many genders out there and different ways we relate to each other sexually, and little by little the western world is catching up to this idea that as Native people we were very familiar with, that gender is a spectrum, a mosaic, a hoop, a plain, but not a binary. Just like those who helped me, I want to be able to help others as well, if even only to create a safe space. If you know someone who wants to learn more about their gender identity, talk to them and tell them they have your support. It goes a long way!

This is a simple video sort of describing in simple terms what it all is. It is part of a series and it is worth checking out:

A followup on this journal: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6516572/

Well, at least I can say I was somewhat close in my prediction. I predicted Alexandre Desplat's score for "The Imitation Game" would win but instead his score for "The Grand Budapest Hotel" won. I am actually glad they went with this one rather than the former, because as I said in my analysis of the nominees, this score was so different in terms of its folksiness and choice of instruments. It wasn't one of those forced dramatic orchestra scores that you see in so many other movies. Having said that, even though I'm not surprised, I am still disappointed Gary Yershon didn't win for "Mr. Turner" and I stand very firmly by my comment that I think it was by far the best score out of all of the nominees. I attribute the fact that it was too "original" ironically to the fact it didn't win the category. I suppose at least it got nominated. That being said, to not steal the spotlight from what I think is one of the better composers in the industry, I am glad he is getting recognition for his work and he is certainly deserving of it.

A couple of other quick notes:
-I didn't address the fact that the score for "Birdman" was not nominated because it broke the rules set by the Academy. I actually missed it a little bit but I think the rules are worth some review, not to totally change them but to allow for different forms of art. Just because there is improvisation does not mean some sort of compositional process was involved

-Disney won both animated feature and animated short, can anyone say "biased"?

-The lack of minority representation in nominees and industry in general is disappointing, as well the lack of women.

-Semi-related to the last point but also more or less general: Everyone complains about Oscar winners until someone brings up a legitimate criticism (such as race and gender issues) about the choices, then suddenly the complainers talk as if the Oscars can do no evil.

-I really want to see "Whiplash" having just graduated from a music conservatory only a year and a half ago, I am very interested to see how that is portrayed.

-Leonardo DiCaprio's tweet is win.

-Sometimes (many times) the Academy makes me want to flush myself down the toilet (mouse suicide)

-I don't know why I watch this show every year, but at least now that the music category is over I can call it a night and go to sleep.

This weekend we go through another round of the Academy Awards, which always begins with a wonderful superficial discussion about the dresses women are wearing as if that's what the show is about. Then we get to the actual awards. The only one that tends to matter to me is naturally the one for Best Original Score. I used to follow it for years, and sometimes I'd be with family who would say to me "Someday we'll see you there!" as a form of encouragement.

With that in mind, I want to talk about the nominations for Best Original Score. I am going to make some people angry with some of my comments but ehh, I don't care lol. My overall/general comment about the nominations is "ehh". For the award being called "Original Score", a lot of these composers are not original at all. It is becoming more and more of a rarity to see composers write stuff that isn't in tertial (major/minor) chords and that is in a simple meter (4/4 and 3/4). I find myself talking about orchestration less and less because quite frankly, the orchestration on these is nowhere near where it could be and should be. I still stand very firmly (no pun intended) by comments I have made in the past that the good days of movie music scores are long gone and I will be very surprised if we ever get back to the quality of music produced by Jarre, Hermann, Goldsmith, Rosza etc. All that aside, I actually do have a favorite in this year's nominations, a score I thought was gorgeous and really imaginative. So let's get started. I want to note that I am not basing my comments on the main theme alone but that I listened to several cues of the score to get a really good idea of them. I also have not seen any of the movies, again, my criticisms are strictly on the music and how it stands on its own. I get that the award is not for best music but rather for how well it accompanies the film, but that said, I really think that that doesn't mean we can do better than what is being done. In any case, to get a preview of the scores here are clips from the nominees:



Interstellar - Hans Zimmer
So, yes, those of you who have known me for a while, know that I have a special place in my heart for Hans Zimmer [/sarcasm]. I have multiple times said I LOVE his earlier stuff, but I really can't stand his more recent works which seem to rely more and more on gimmicks than actual creativity. Here is what Hans Zimmer is really good at: knowing how movie theater sound systems work. I likes using the grumbling cinematic basses and his strings mega-saturated with reverb. This is no different here. Another unfortunate trend he seems to have started is the "everything's an eighth note" trend which a lot of composers have fallen into. This is where a cue has a seemingly never-ending eighth note pattern, often with the strings in octaves but sometimes used with other instruments. This is also true of this score. The main theme has this long section that uses the same three chords over and over. No offense but, not only do I say "I can do that too" but I think this is true of a lot of far less experienced composers as well. To not go much further than this, I slam it, I am not a fan of this anymore than I am any of his recent work. I don't understand how he has such a big following. To each his own I guess but I once again have to restate that Zimmer fans, film composers, aspiring film composers, and aspiring composers in general need to learn about the history of film composing and listen to early film composers. Many don't seem to know how deeply creative movie music used to be, back before sound editing and reverb were things.

Mr. Turner - Gary Yershon
This score is a PERFECT demonstration of what amazing things you can accomplish with a small ensemble of instruments. The score stands out in that it does not rely on a massive orchestra to make a statement but instead with a small group of instruments and harmonic structures that go beyond tertian chords. The score is a very small ensemble of string quartet, sax quartet, a pair of woodwinds, harp, and timpani. It is perfect in that it demonstrates that you CAN do something more modern and take more artistic liberties with a movie score than what we are made to believe. The score, from what I've read, uses a lot of glissandi on strings which is a really neat effect as a whole, and the use of saxophone quartet with strings is a really smooth combination that I'm surprised more composers haven't tried to utilize. We are made to believe that we have to follow this rigid rubric to make it. Gary Yershon is the only composer on this list who isn't a film composer by trade but rather a theatre composer.

The Grand Budapest Hotel - Alexandre Desplat
With the first of two nominations that Desplat has received this year, I'd like to briefly give my thoughts on him. I think his score a few years ago for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" was one of his best scores and one of the most haunting scores I've heard. He also recently was nominated for "Fantastic Mr. Fox" He seems to have two principal modes: haunting and folksy. In this score he seems to combine the two very well and create the whimsical, witty, humorous, yet exotic atmosphere that the movie seems to go for (at least from what I've seen of the trailer). It is by no means "mind blowing" but it has a really nice character of its own. The cue theme Mr Moustafa which is played in the above video is a perfect demonstration of that combination in which I talk about and I think it is very effective. At times I do admit I feel he overdoes the folksy element and I felt it a few times through parts of the score, but I appreciate that it is different, and not your typical, over the top, trying to prove something score.

The Imitation Game - Alexandre Desplat
So here is a perfect example of another "everything's an eighth note" piece and it's so unfortunate that Desplat fell for it here too. The main theme has this four note pattern that is repeated in a pretty irritating manner. Once you get over that however, it by contrast has other sections which are characteristically CHILLING Alexandre Desplat and it's wonderful. This score is really hit and miss.

The Theory of Everything - Johann Johannsonn
People are raving about this score. Once again I think this one has some really good elements to it and other elements that make me want to listen to nails on a chalkboard. The main theme has this (once again) never-ending eighth note pattern that people for some reason think is so original but it just grates on me to be honest. The other sections of the score have some nice rhythms and orchestrations that remind me of old Halloween movies. This score perhaps has the best orchestration out of all the selections, even though in reality that is not saying much. While the atmosphere the music creates is nice, it very often falls into being generic and does not have too much originality, which is ironic considering the category is "original" score.

---

Who I Think Should Win
By far, and this is an easy selection for me, I think "Mr Turner" by Gary Yershon deserves the award for best original score. Not only was it the most imaginative, it was ORIGINAL, which as I stated before is in the name of the award. It achieved wonderful things and didn't rely on any clichés or gimmicks or sound editing in order to make it sound good, which, almost every score now seems to rely on these gimmicks. Yershon relied only on his own creative use of the raw instruments to create this, and this is way underrated nowadays with the way film composers abuse their machinery. I think if Yershon was to win the award, it would do the industry a world of good as it would encourage composers to break out of the norms they've been boxed into, to know they can win awards with original sounding work, and we could see a positive trend that could see film music flourish again like it used to.

Who I Think Will Win
Unfortunately I don't think they will give the award to Yershon ironically because of it being "unconventional" (again, I call it being original). I think the award will go to "The Imitation Game" by Alexandre Desplat. It is a safe option to go with since he has been nominated several times before and has become a staple in the A list of Hollywood's film composers.

There's some neat stuff that was linked to me on Facebook and by friends. Two links that are totally worth reading as they perfectly express my feelings on a given topic: Stereotypes and cultural appropriation when it comes to American Indians. If you are not up for reading both what I have to say and the articles, I say skip what I write here and just read the articles as they're more eloquently written than what I will write. While I'm writing this more gently than perhaps I've written other journals, I really don't care for people's tone policing and you doing so is useless and gets in the way of the issues at hand. If you can read what I write, I love and appreciate you for doing so, and it makes me feel good to know that my own voice is heard.

http://lastrealindians.com/my-first.....ouise-roetman/

https://iistrawberrychanii.wordpres.....hat-means-you/

Also I can't forget to link this funny as hell skit by the late Native comedian Charlie Hill:



Let me just start off by saying, I get it! You honestly, sincerely don't understand what the big deal is with cultural appropriation and why it makes Indians like me blow our tops. As one of the links there says however, cultural appropriation and stereotyping are forms of oppression against Native people, so now is the time for you to learn. Now, wow Juniper, "oppression"? That's a little too extreme isn't it? No, it isn't. When you perpetuate stereotypes, by form of headdresses, beliefs, and other forms, what you are doing is you are spreading more misinformation and perpetuating the idea that we don't exist anymore. This is a HUGE problem because American Indian communities are struggling to be heard. As the PSA article explains, we go through a "neverending shit-storm of oppression and erasure". Those who say they wish they could be Indians: come talk to me and let me tell you all the shit I've had to go through just because I'm an Indian and tell me if it still sounds like something you want to be. When the idea that we don't really exist anymore is the popular belief, what happens when we protest for land rights in public spaces or in courtrooms? People look at us as our stereotypes and jump to the assumption that we want these lands back to live in tipis again; and for that reason, our demands end up sounding to them like nothing worth even listening to. These are the real consequences of stereotypes.

Now let's talk about stereotypes and appropriation, especially on FA. Before anyone comments, yeah I know your whole spiel about how FA is a porn site and that I can't police it and bla bla bla. Yeah, I can't police it, but I'm still going to call things for what they are. Now I've talked about what these things do, I want to give some examples of these stereotypes. I see so many artists draw characters that are "Native American" as if we are all one homogenous society with one culture and one language. These drawings usually include a loincloth, a choker, generic eagle feathers, a headdress (this is the worst offender), and two horizontal lines of red face paint on each cheek. They then on the description say they did their research. This image is stereotypical of plains Indians, and is a poor representation of them. When people think "Native Americans" they instantly see this image of a Plains Indian. Never do people think of the attire of the Navajo of Arizona who are the biggest current tribe today, or the Apache who are one of the more famous ones, let alone the hundreds of other tribes. This stereotype makes it so that I then have to explain to people after that my own people don't look like that, don't dress like that neither now nor in the past. I'm just going to be upfront about it, it makes me feel like shit because it makes my own existence and culture feel invalidated. What's worse is if I make even a gentle comment about it, there's a negative response to it inevitably. It's like, these people are fascinated with Indians and yet when a real Indian shows up you want to shut me up and hide me? Is it because I'll destroy that pretty stereotype image you have by virtue of existing?

I'm going to talk about the headdress for a moment. The "well known" headdress comes from Plains tribes, not the Cherokee and not anywhere else. Those headdresses were worn by men only, and were (as best as I can make a comparison) as important and sacred as a medal of honor. Every single feather on the headdress is earned by an act of honor or valor. This is why it's inappropriate to just draw one on a character, especially if you are not even bothering to explain what it means (because you likely didn't know to begin with). Just over the last few days I've run into several people drawing headdresses on characters and it's awful, and of course they generically label their art "Native American". Again, homogenizing us and making us one-dimensional. A while back I ran into an artist (who's name and gender I won't mention) on my watchlist, I like their art. One day however they drew their character with a headdress and a loincloth, and the two red paint horizontal lines on each cheek while aiming an arrow. The stereotype to a T. They claim they had just discovered they were Cherokee by way of an ancestor 3 or 4 generations back and that that's why they made their character drawn like that (Even though the character looked nothing like any sort of traditional Cherokee attire). Not only that, but they claimed that that ancestor was a CHIEF! Holy wow... to claim your ancestor was a chief is something you better not be lying about or you would probably be causing massive disrespect. To begin with, if this story is true, then there will be clear documentation about him, being a chief, and second (and I mentioned this to the artist) the Cherokee are really good at documenting their ancestors, and if you are Cherokee then you would be able to find yourself or a family member in the Dawes Rolls. If you can't then you are not really Cherokee. Needless to say, this artist's story doesn't add up at all, and after I offered my help I didn't pursue the matter further. Why did I even comment to begin with? Because this artist was also perpetuating stereotypes, and the comments were super unfortunate, and the talk was about as if we as Indians still live like we did 300 years ago or so. Do I jump in and make my presence known as a real Indian and risk all the anger being flung back at me? Or do I just sit there in disbelief as I am talked about like I am nothing more than an extinct mythical creature?

I do want to make one quick mention about dreamcatchers. Dreamcatchers are not some pan-Indian thing, they're Ojibwe, and as well some of the plains people made them too. To sell them when you're not either of these is to literally steal a culture for your profit. Where is your integrity?

The big take-away is, look at me now, I am typing this here, a real Indian person. I have hobbies, likes, dislikes, I drive a car, I play music, I like Michael Jackson, my favorite movie is Secret of NIMH, etc. even though I also still do my traditional ceremonial and religious practices as an Indian. When you stereotype and draw stereotypical "Native" images and talk about your Native "spirit animals", you make me further invisible. Because no one talks about the fact that American Indian youth have a suicide and depression epidemic. No one talks about the fact that there's an alarming rate of Native women who are raped and murdered. No one knows that our religious and ceremonial practices have only been legal for 35 years. No one talks about the fact that we all have to live double lives, and that we have to worry about land disputes to this day, and tribal politics, and all sorts of other problems that we face that no one is aware about, because when I say "Indian" these are the things that I think of because that's my inescapable reality. But you don't see that. You see feathers and headdresses because stereotypes have replaced us real living breathing people with those images. Please understand xD We're not trying to police, we just want our REAL image and cultures to be visible. Lastly, listen to some of my drum group recordings like this one. Look at my Profile ID drawn by LordDirk, the jingle dancer. This is something of our real culture, and it is something you don't necessarily think of when I say "Indians" but isn't that far more beautiful?

Once again a big thank you for those who read and heard me out. Your listening and reading is more appreciated than you know.

I'll be stuck at home tonight and tomorrow all day due to snow storm, possibly stuck Monday too. If anyone wants to chat let me know, since I'll be somewhat bored! I got Skype, AIM, and Yahoo. Skype preferred.

I hope everyone is having a good week. I was finally able to go outside for a run today and there was sun, even though it was only like 18 degrees high. Driving in the snow is a drag, Massachusetts is in a state of emergency due to there being nowhere to put the snow and not a single day in sight that will be warm enough to melt any of it. Hah! What a world I live in out here. My family back home is dumbfounded by what I'm describing. Only family members who have lived in Flagstaff, AZ know what dealing with snow is like. I'm tired of the cold, I can't wait until spring. But anyway... updates! I have applied to more jobs in various different cities and I have a tentative list of moving places that might expand or decrease as the weeks go by; so here's a quick summation.

I'm likely going to be moving in June, and I will likely be spending a month in Los Angeles with my parents before I move to whatever my destination city ends up being. This will be calming down time for me, reflecting on where I am in life, praying and meditating, working on my relationship with God, working on some serious composing, doing some good reading, and spending time with old friends. It will be a month of down time that I desperately need.

Rapid City, South Dakota
So here's the deal with South Dakota: I have a job if I want it, that a friend is hooking me up with. I am/was very excited about the possibility of moving out there, however a few journals ago I asked people about it and there seemed to be an overwhelming response from people saying it was a bad idea. Well... seems like Rapid City has been in the news a lot lately for racism. Recently THIS STORY broke out that some Native children were assaulted at a hockey game, and from what I am coming to understand, the racial tensions in Rapid City are inescapable, which is not good news for a person who looks like me. I've dealt with racism before, particularly in small town Arizona, but people are insisting the plains are worse than anything I've experienced, which is saying quite a lot to be honest! I do have to look out for my own safety but I'm not going to lie, I'm honestly still very interested in South Dakota because it's such a different place than any place I have lived in, rich in Native culture, open spaces, and really sacred locations. I don't know, maybe I AM being naive and I am overlooking the bad as I daydream about the good.

Seattle, Washington
I applied for a job out here. I have always loved the Northwest. I love how green it is. I have many friends there and one of my uncles just moved there too. There is a lot of rain, but at least I will not have to dig my car out of 3 feet of snow! Seattle is also very rich with Native culture, and the area is home to a lot of the biggest pow wows in the country. The famous Muckleshoot Powwow is only like 40 minutes drive away from Seattle! I can fly direct to SoCal from Sea-Tac airport and direct to Mesa, AZ from Bellingham airport north of Seattle.

San Diego, California
This one would be nice because driving to Arizona would be easy to do. San Diego is a beautiful city. My only issue is that the job in question here doesn't pay remarkably well, just well enough to get me by and such but not where I think I'd feel I have a financial cushion. Still, the location and weather is unbeatable.

Phoenix, Arizona
That's right! I just found a job opening yesterday that I'm applying for in Phoenix. Phoenix is still my first choice city wise. I'd be smack dab in the middle of the desert but with all the opportunities a musician has in a big city. I'd be a very close drive to the reservation to visit family and friends and I could go as often as I wanted. Needless to say, I am most excited about this one.

Tucson, Arizona
Tucson was on the list before, but might also get bumped out much like Rapid City. I sort of had one of those "sure" jobs where if I wanted it I got it, but thanks to our wonderful governor Ducey, the job in question might not be available thanks to his direct action. It's still a possibility but I'll have to see what happens.


Life right now feels so unstable. Staying in Boston meant (assuming there wasn't a catastrophic economic collapse) that I would never struggle to find work as a musician. It's inescapable that Boston, for it's size, has an abundance of work for musicians and I have managed to make a living in one of the most expensive cities in the country. But I've given up that stability in an attempt to move back west. My quality of life however is too dependent on family and my childhood friends who are all back in the southwest, and they're too much a part of my heart to be this separated from them. I have three and a half months left. The countdown is on.

Over the last 30 days Boston and the surrounding area has gotten something like 6 feet of total snow which is a new record for the city, even topping the blizzard of 78. I don't need to remind people much that these snow storms are a new thing to me, being from Arizona. I think what's really beginning to weigh down on me a lot is being stuck indoors. I feel like a caged animal every time I'm stuck indoors because of a snow storm. My norm is to be able to go out for a walk on ANY day of the year, and the weather almost always being well enough for me to go out into the open desert. I'm also really tired of the lack of sun here.

When I'm stuck indoors I loose the energy to do things I could theoretically do more of, like compose music, write, and do other productive things. But also, it's starting to have this secondary effect where my mind is so unoccupied that it's bringing back a lot of traumatic memories from my past. I can't get them out of my head, they just keep coming back. Today was the worst day for me. I've been extremely nervous and even the buzz of my phone alerting me that I got a text set my anxiety off. I can't go outside and walk it off like I would normally do because of how brutal the weather is right now. Snow storms are so bad for me and I'm just so done with them now.

EDIT: Fuck... apparently we're having another storm Thursday and possibly another one over the weekend. Kill me now.

This is a sensitive topic to touch on. Let's be real, no one likes to talk about it. It's uncomfortable, it's saddening, and we prefer not to think about it as an epidemic, which it is. People with suicidal thoughts and intentions, they don't always show the signs the general public thinks they're going to show. Suicides come unexpected at times. I have to confess, it is hard for me to write this because for a long period of time I was suicidal myself, and so were most of my friends looking back.

A little of my own story. Simply put, high school as you all know was a really dark period in my life. I was completely lost and depressed all the time, and around this time I had taken up drinking. Most of you know this story, but I want to describe in my own personal experience what I felt when I was suicidal. I felt emotional pain, but it wasn't just about how bad the pain was, it was about the fact that it wouldn't go away. It was there following me everywhere like a ghost tormenting me. I couldn't run anywhere. I would be in bed crying when no one was looking or listening and just feel like the pain won't go away. Drinking was the only thing that remotely alleviated it, as it made my mind wander out of control. When the pain doesn't go away like that, it makes suicide a very attractive avenue to make it go away for good. It was my grandfather who reached out to me, but he didn't force me in, rather he sort of naturally invited me in with his humor and silliness that characterizes him, and he did what no one else did: He created a safe space for me to talk about the things I was bottling in, and I began pouring out everything weighing on my heart, which I didn't realize was so much until I was actually letting it out. After that point I still had another horrible dip around 6 years ago (4 years after my first low point) and everything started to come back, and that's when I was helped again, and this time in a way that brought me stronger healing.

I think the most basic thing we can do for people who are depressed, anxious, and have thoughts of suicide is create safe spaces for them to be able to express their feelings and really have an honest discussion. What we do in this society is view people who are depressed or anxious or suicidal as emotionally "weak" and we shame them for it. I always felt too ashamed to tell people I was in pain. I was always feeling like I was rude or awful or selfish for wanting to tell people how I was feeling and bringing down their moods. There was never a time when I felt I could say how I was actually feeling and I kept it all inside. This is what so many people who are suicidal are forced to do, because we are not creating the safe spaces for them. We are not even allowed to speak of even our lightest depression.

Looking back, I am amazed I never talked about suicide with any of my friends, and I'm in shock now realizing how many of them were suicidal. Suicide is an epidemic among American Indian youth and I was remarkably close to being another number in that statistic. But none of my friends talked about it until only recently. I can't believe almost every single one of my friends who are Indians all tried suicide at one point including myself. Now I am more open and I confess to people, even today I have suicidal thoughts from time to time, but now I know how to cope with them much better to the point where I never come close to any attempt anymore. I also have an abundance of safe spaces around me. But it's killing our youth and no one is talking about it, yet so few seem concerned at all. I want to continue trying to help those who think there is no way out in my community, because I felt that way, I felt there was no way out and others reached out to me. A lot of it is due to the historical and present trauma that almost all our families face. It's inescapable that we feel like foreigners in our own country and our heartbreak is literally killing us.

Suicide is also high among LGBT youth, often times feeling they are not loved or sometimes being rejected by their families and turned away in the most brutal and heartbreaking ways. Also, suicide is high among veterans, who are often forgotten by society, and often have no one to talk to who understands that they can not undo the dynamics of the other world they went out and faced that regular citizens don't see.

What can you do? Be sure to let your friends know that you can provide that safe space, that there is somewhere they can turn to when they feel really distraught. Ask them to trust you. DO NOT say things like "It'll get better", "Don't just think about yourself", "It's not forever." Because suicidal people already do not believe this and you will likely be the 100th person to tell them this. Instead, try to be a listening ear and ask them to trust that you are going to do your best to be at their side and commit to it. Find a way to bring humor into your conversations, constantly. Sometimes all we need is to have someone to hear us out, that's what my grandfather was for me. In my culture, laughter is a form of traditional medicine. It is! I am not saying that to be funny. My grandfather's safe space of humor and good vibes, along with some work of my own got me through to the other side.

If you have the time, volunteer somewhere. You don't know how many lives you will save by doing the most simple of things. Here are some resources for suicide prevention, detailing some of the methods that have high success rates among the people they reach out to.

Evidence Based Suicide Prevention Programs:
http://www.sprc.org/bpr/section-i-e.....based-programs

National Suicide Prevention:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

24/7 Direct Number to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255

If anyone wants to link any other resources to add to the journal link them below!


If you have thoughts of suicide, you're not alone, and people are here for you, waiting to love you!

Well it's been less than 12 hours since my last announcement but I have somewhat of an update. A sort of "Plan B" has emerged thanks to a phone call I just had with a friend. Should I fail to find a job out west by June, a friend of mine has told me she could get me a job in Rapid City, South Dakota on a temporary basis which will keep me afloat and buy me more time on my job search out west should I need it.

I'm not naive. I know the weather in the plains is brutal! Worse than New England which I'm constantly complaining about for those who have me on Facebook and Twitter. Yet I don't deny that the thought of temporarily living on the plains is very enticing, and the way I see it working out, the longest I would stay there is until around October. Does anyone want to advise for or against this possibility? Me being pretty ignorant about the area I'm curious to your thoughts.

So this is a semi-official announcement and it's not being done in the circumstances in which I would have liked but: I am definitely moving back west sometime in June. Unfortunately I do not have a job yet which I would have liked to have by now, but should I run into a circumstance where I still haven't found a job by then I may well have an interim position lined up to hold me for maybe one or two months in San Diego and my parents in Los Angeles have graciously told me that I can stay with them for as long as I need (even though I would prefer not to). I really hope I can move with a job lined up already but either way, I am ready to move home. While my preference was to move to Phoenix, at this point I have to stop being picky and just find a job anywhere out west because I can not afford not to have a job with my student loans, car, health insurance etc. I am happy that I am going to be going back west but am also worried that after 4 months of job searching I have not gotten very far. I still have three more months to figure this out so I know I shouldn't panic. In the mean time I'm sending applications to anywhere I can find in Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, LA, Bay Area, Las Vegas, Portland, and Seattle.

With my job search going not as smooth as I hoped, I am going to add Seattle to the list of cities to look for work. Now as of now I had said I wanted either Arizona or California, with Arizona being my preference as my home state, but I thought about Seattle and, I know a lot of people out there and I have visited several times. What's more is that I actually have family that just moved there last month, and to be honest I have always loved that city. Lastly, distance will be a factor but I realized that flights from Seattle to SoCal and Arizona are MUCH cheaper than what I pay to fly from Boston, so Seattle, you might be in my future. We'll see, it might still be SoCal and it might still be Arizona, I'm keeping my options open.

Just gotta keep job searching, but I don't deny that it actually broke my heart more than I thought it would. I thought I had a good shot, which made it all the more difficult to find out I didn't get it. I'm trying not to be too torn apart and have to just try and keep searching for work out west.

Also doesn't help my mood that on the same day I am assessing the damage to my car and apartment due to the snow storm. Life has hit me with full force since I got back from my California trip.

but don't worry. It's a dry heat!

After having attended a pair of panels at FC, one of the people running one of the panels, Runner the mouse (If anyone knows his contact please let me know, I've been looking to get back in contact with him), suggested I be part of that panel, but now I have given some thought to it and I was thinking of possibly doing an American Indian Cultures Panel at FC, maybe not immediately this coming year but at some point. I know someone who could run it with me who is also American Indian and in the fandom and I think it would be of a lot of interest to a good amount of people. Upon giving it some thought, here is what the panel would consist of:

-An introduction to Native people today
-A demonstration of some of the cultures and regions
-Addressing stereotypes and why they are harmful
-History and Native life today
-A touch of information on the spirituality and ways of many Native people
-Demonstration of traditional dances and music
-Q and A
-A round dance that everyone can participate in at the end of the panel

This is just a basic idea. I think I would also give color handouts to people so that they can have something they can take with them after the con. Also, depending on whether they will allow it or not, start out with a smudging of sage to bring good energy to the room. Additionally, I will bring some recommended books that people can look at and maybe even decide to buy later on.

What do you guys think? Who would be interested? Also, I am open to suggestions about what I could add to this panel, just keeping in mind that these panels are usually time-limited; but I can always give people my contact information if they have further questions after the panel.