I've now had a few days to recover and can finally make a posting about FC. I'm going to try and make it somewhat brief but try and show how much of a good time I had!

I drove up from LA on Wednesday with  Yasuno,  LukeLynxSpirit, and  flamingrawrs. The drive up was moderately terrifying since we hit extremely heavy fog in Bakersfield while it was my turn to drive. That was easily the lowest visibility I've ever driven in. We got out of there well thankfully and made it safely to Yasuno's cousin's house where we were met with a warm welcome. The next day we checked into our room at the Hilton where we also roomed with  LeoTsubasa and  axelthemoogle, surprisingly very quickly they got us our room. We picked up our con badges and then drove up to San Francisco to see sights, and came back that same night.

Friday is where the fun began. I finally got to suit for the first time at a con and it was magical to be surrounded by so many fursuiters like myself. This wasn't my first con but this was my first con being one of the suiters. Around midday I picked up  Threetails from the airport who also roomed with us. Then I started hanging out with many of my friends who I had missed, along with new ones I made along the way. I am sorry that I will not be able to get to everyone but a few mentions:  zenfetcher,  timothyfrisby,  markarian,  Ribnose,  clairelamouf,  zanazibar,  Smokepaw,  Yelth and so many others that I can not even finish naming.

Friday night was when Markarian let me know about  Mitti the artist when I discovered her comic via little ads around the con, and then decided to get sketches from her: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15535566/ and http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15535584/ I met her the very next morning. That night my friends and I played that game of Cards Against Humanity which I mentioned before, and we had also played some games of Super Smash Bros. Saturday was the day I got to be in a fursuit parade for the first time with my character  Naayan. I carried my hand drum with me and beat it along the way. That night I went to the Totemism panel run by Runner the mouse, (who's contact info I'd like to find btw, whether an FA or Weasyl or something if anyone happens to know. That night I finally met up with  Panthesurfingotter who is a long time friend of mine.

Sunday I got to play the piano a bit while in suit! Some video of that will be posted below. I went to the bar and put on my New England Patriots hoodie while in suit to grab some attention from the sports fans while they seem to have won very easily. Sunday night I got to actually drum and do Native singing while in suit in front of a stage. Video of that will be posted eventually and I'll link it when it does come out on my fursuit account! Monday morning was the obligatory "Over already?" routine where we all got our stuff together and went back to our lives. Aside from a little incident we had at a Starbucks somewhere in like Avenal, CA or somewhere around there, our road trip back was pretty uneventful, but hey, three days later I feel like I'm still riding that buzz from the con! I am going to make it a thing to go to FC every year. Simply put, there is no other con out there where I know this many people as friends. I feel so comfortable and in such good company as I got to be. Not only is a furry convention somewhere where we can all bring out our furriness, it's also a place where a large amount of us get together and all of a sudden all of your friends are within walking distance (and not clear across the country like it is for me a lot of the time). That's what I enjoyed most and I already can't wait for next year, maybe next year I will actually run a panel, many people have suggested I do it, and I have been a little uneasy about it but willing to give it a try I think. In either case I know I will enjoy the next one. I never thought I'd say it but this con has filled me with furry pride! It has been fun. My next con is Anthro New England in February/March. See all of you then!

Lastly, here's the video of me playing the piano in suit: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?.....mp;amp;theater

I'm having an awesome time at the con right now! I've been having fun going to the many events, the hangouts, the food, games like super smash bros, cards against humanity, suiting, and of course, getting to be a mouse =^.^= Be sure to let me know if you want to meet up if you're at the con!

Wow, I had forgotten how nice the weather is over here year round. I just flew into Long Beach and then headed up to San José for FC! If anyone wants to meet up, let me know. It'll be the first con with my fursuit/partial  Naayan and I might do something for the open mic too (I don't know if you need to sign up prior or if you can just walk up and perform something). But anyway, I'm looking forward to fun times and am super happy to escape the cold New England winter for a bit!

If I were to say to a group of random peope "The world we live in is out of balance." most would probably be inclined to agree at least to some extent. We can all feel that the world is not where it needs to be, but no one seems to know why or how we are to fix it. I am not here to claim that I have the answers for fixing all the world's problems, but I am now, thanks to the teachings of my elders, coming to understand what is balance in the world and what we need to do to restore balance. Most of what I speak is not my own revelation, though a few things might be, but instead most is the teachings of my elders and even some elders who I follow online from varying Indian nations. While you may imagine me sitting in a tipi or a hogan with an elderly man while sage burns and our legs are crossed, often when they teach me that is not the setting even though it may be sometimes on the rare occasion. Usually I meet an elder at his place or he visits mine, we joke around, we go out to eat fast food, watch some comedy or horror movie, and play Super Smash Bros and Mario Kart, and then after all that we have a good conversation about these things. Because yes, lol, elders aren't these old Indians sitting in tipis all day meditating and waiting for someone to come in and ask them something so they can tell an old tale.

While that last bit was probably a funny image, there is some relevance to that. When we as Indian people speak about being traditional, there is often confusion as to what we mean. Living traditional is often confused to mean we want to go back to living in tipis or hogans or wigwams in the middle of some wilderness and going back to dressing in all buckskins. Now, some smaller percentage of us might envision that, but for most of us, going back to being traditional is to reject the values that are set about by modern western society and going back to those values in which made our societies strong and unified. Now, I could go into a long tangent on each and every one of our values but that would make an already long journal even longer. I do however want to make one of our values which is in huge conflict with that of the now dominant western society, and it is that of individualism vs community. Western society is big on doing everything for yourself, on making yourself better; furthermore not through happiness but through material wealth and/or success. In Indigenous societies it is glaringly different. Everything you do is built around bettering your entire community and helping them as they all do everything for you in return. In the strictly human setting, we could describe this as balance. We are all working for each other. When we work for ourselves, we throw each other out of balance, because we loose sight of those around us and when we do that, we can not possibly expect to find the balancing point. It frightens us because we often do not understand what is going on. This is why western society is fear-based. Fear of the unknown, fear of foreigners, fear of women, fear of one's own mind even.

So with that said, no, there is nothing "wrong" with highways and buildings, so long as they do not throw us and the rest of the world out of balance. Now by "rest of the world" I do not mean all other countries, but also that of the animal and plant brothers and sisters of ours. We have to understand that animals and plants are not just here to serve human-kind while human-kind dominates. To understand this, we must have a better understanding of God our Creator. One of the biggest mistakes we make is to personify God, often by making God look like a human being. When we do this, we are establishing God as someone who favors only human-kind and not all of Creation. When we understand that Creator does not have a "fixed" form, we can understand that our Creator put us all, the animals and the plants included, as brothers and sisters to nurture and help each other in a balance that Creator intended. Here is where we are out of balance again, because western societies are built around helping human-kind and often times it involves severely hurting the animal and plant brothers and sisters. Creator intended for there to be a balance between us the humans and all other species, and the western world has greatly thrown off that balance. We can not possibly expect to have it if we are not doing our part. We build cities and other inventions without regard to how it will affect our brothers and sisters of the animal and plant world and do them great harm in the process. While it may be really difficult to conceptualize in our modernized mind where we recognize more corporate logos than we do the names of plant species, we must if we are to understand balance of the world around us. It has taken me some time, but I am beginning to grasp it fully. We must begin seeing the animals and plants as our equals, and not as our servants.

Lastly, we have to go back to respecting our women for who they are. While the western mind hear this and wonder why a seemingly miniscule thing would make such a difference, it is not a small thing at all. Western society sees women as the makers of their babies, but not as givers of birth; and yes there is a difference. A woman does not just bring children into the world, but also teaches society how to nurture, which is essential if we are to be able to take care of each other. As men we do not have the understandings women have, and western society has been wrong in having the men tell the women where their places are. In Indigenous societies, the men seek to understand the women rather than to assign them the male understanding. This is why most Indigenous societies are matriarchal, as is ours. The western world however fears the notion of matriarchy, fearing the idea of women ruling, because the western world fears women. The woman is the first thing they fear growing up. But Matriarchy isn't women ruling. Women don't rule. There is female/male balance. Our late elder Russell Means proposed this: think of all the western religions: Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, Christianity, etc. they're all male gods; I have yet to see a male anything give birth. Therefore it is impossible for them to create! Below I am going to link some videos of his, because he speaks far more eloquently than I ever could.

To close up with a few thoughts to end this, understanding balance requires us to undo all our imposed western thinking and go back to thinking to how our people of origin thought, be it American Indians, or the tribes of Europe, or Africa or anywhere around the world. We know that we are out of balance yet we are afraid to do anything about it because society is fear based. We are taught to fear, so that we become to afraid to seek out those far-off solutions that would help us find the balance for a world that needs restoration. It requires all of our participation, we all need to come to an understanding of what balance is and what it looks like, and we need to begin seeking it.

A white man and an elderly Native man became pretty good friends, so the white guy decided to ask him: “What do you think about Indian mascots?” The Native elder responded, “Here’s what you’ve got to understand. When you look at black people, you see ghosts of all the slavery and the rapes and the hangings and the chains. When you look at Jews, you see ghosts of all those bodies piled up in death camps. And those ghosts keep you trying to do the right thing.

But when you look at us you don’t see the ghosts of the little babies with their heads smashed in by rifle butts at the Big Hole, or the old folks dying by the side of the trail on the way to Oklahoma while their families cried and tried to make them comfortable, or the dead mothers at Wounded Knee or the little kids at Sand Creek who were shot for target practice. You don’t see any ghosts at all.

Instead you see casinos and drunks and junk cars and shacks. Well, we see those ghosts. And they make our hearts sad and they hurt our little children. And when we try to say something, you tell us, ‘Get over it. This is America. Look at the American dream.’ But as long as you’re calling us Redskins and doing tomahawk chops, we can’t look at the American dream, because those things remind us that we are not real human beings to you. And when people aren’t humans, you can turn them into slaves or kill six million of them or shoot them down with Hotchkiss guns and throw them into mass graves at Wounded Knee. No, we’re not looking at the American dream. And why should we? We still haven’t woken up from the American nightmare..."

-"Natives experienced the American Holocaust" by Walter Gray Wolf

I think this might be the first time I talk about why my fursona is a mouse. The reason is actually more elaborate than people realize and I've given my characters a lot of thought over time. I know that my username says "squirrel" but as you have read in my description, I chose that name when I came in and at the time my fursona was a squirrel and I later changed to mouse. There are several reasons for me identifying as a mouse.

Let's start with the first and perhaps most obvious of these: I grew up watching a lot of mouse movies! The Rescuers, An American Tail, The Great Mouse Detective, The Secret of NIMH; there was so much representation of mice in animated movies growing up. To be honest, I'm very surprised more furries aren't mice with the abundance of these movies. The Secret of NIMH and An American Tail Fievel Goes West are still two of my favorite movie, probably more so the former especially with the design of the mice which I now use for most of my characters; and the latter of which taking place in my home state of Arizona. So in a nutshell, the first reason I identify with mice is because of my love for cartoon mice.

The second reason is a cultural reason. The mouse is an important animal to many of the first peoples of Arizona, the land of my ancestors. To the Pueblo people in particular, the mouse is two different things (among many others as well): a warrior, and a healer. As a warrior, the mouse is perceived as small and physically weak, but in folklore the mouse proves everyone wrong, to the point of winning a war for one of the villages of the Mesas. Mice are also healers, and doing all of their work in good will, and were so good at what they did that they could easily tell who was faking an illness. I like to think of myself as a warrior, and I am a healer in my community; not in the typical "doctor" sense but in that I alleviate the physical, mental, and spiritual burdens people around me have, in my own ways. The functions I serve in my day-to-day are those of the mouse in Arizona Indian folklore. The mouse is perceived as weak and small as I have in my life. At many points as I was growing up I was told that I was reaching too high, that classical music (where I work now) isn't a career that would work for me, or that being sober would be my only accomplishment if that, or that I was best cut out for community college (if I could graduate high school) and not any big name university. Like the mouse, even though they perceived me as weak and unable like the rest, I have done so much more than anyone expected and I have more to accomplish.

The third reason is for how mice behave in nature. Mice, for whatever reason, have a great amount of empathy for each other. Experiments that people have done have shown that when you have two mice that are captured in some situation and one of the mice escapes, that mouse will actually try and rescue his companion before running to their safety. Even more recently there was a story about two mice that were fed to a snake in a pet store. As one of the mice was being eaten, the other mouse was desperately trying to stop the snake from eating the other mouse, to not much success, but still, the mouse gave it its all and I found this story so touching even though it had a sad ending. Many people who know me in person know that I try to give and help people as much as I can to the point of going way out of my way to do so. In my culture and upbringing we are instructed to give relentlessly, and I live by that value. I give my time, I give gifts, I give all my efforts, because like the mouse in nature, I don't feel well satisfied or happy until I know that all the others around me are doing well and they have all their needs taken care of, even if I have to do all of it for them. When you my friends are in pain, I am in pain with you. When you are happy, I am happy with you; and for those who did not already know, I am here for you in your times of need. I know often times you are afraid to ask for help, I am too as some of you have seen, but I have also seen how much loving and hearing each other goes, and like those who helped me, I am also here to help you, just as the mouse would do.

I hope I brought some good thoughts and energy to you all, and made you rethink the mouse, not just as a fursona but also as the animal it is. I love being a mouse, I am grateful to Creator for such an animal and such a blessing.

Every time I have an episode of this sort, I get an out pour of love and support and for that I'm hugely grateful. I've had some days to recover and while I am still hurting somewhat, I am feeling much better everyday. People have been there for me both here on FA and elsewhere and I can't thank you all enough for the support and love.

What I have learned from this experience is that I do need to address the issues of my past. While I can't undo the bad things I've done and the bad things done to me, I can't hide them forever like I have. Whenever I have an episode of depression, they come back, and I can't help but feel like an awful person, as well as rekindling my hatred for those who did terrible wrongs to me in my past. Perhaps the most difficult thing to admit is, I have an anger problem. I was on the phone with my good friend, and I said to him, "I don't know if you know, but I have an anger problem." and he responded with, "I know you do, I see it very clearly." Which made me cry since I didn't think it was as visible as it actually is. My anger problem has nothing to do with my passionate writings about injustice and social issues that I often post about. This anger problem is in my everyday life, with very small things setting me off. They scare me because they are a reminder of my past.

Also, last night I had a dream that I had just said "fuck it" and had gone back to drinking. I woke up terrified, thinking, "What if I fall back into those habits and go back into ruin?" I later snapped out of it and realized I am as in control as I have ever been. My friend who I was mentioning earlier gave me a really good motivational talk. He reminded me that I can't let my past make me feel like I'm a bad person, especially after I have changed my life and achieved so much since then. It's still hard for me to forgive myself and forget when these things come up again.

Despite the fact that the depression I got yesterday was painful beyond what I could describe, I do need to remember that I'm better now with them than I was back when they nearly drove me to suicide. While I need far more healing, I've healed a lot already as well. I know there are things I have to do. I probably should see a doctor or someone about it while I'm out here in the east and can't have someone treat me with traditional medicine, and I am definitely overdue for another Inipi ceremony, which I can do out here, and that I had been avoiding because of it being very difficult in nature. Either way, today I have a much clearer mind, I have had good conversations with friends and I am ready for what comes next. I know this won't be the last of my episodes and for now I can just hope the next one isn't so bad and that nothing triggers me. Once again, for those of you who were there for me, you are loved, my prayers will be with you, and I extend to you my gratitude.

More that I need to get out, because I feel emotionally in pain right now.

At any given time, I have a lot of emotional baggage from the past that I carry with me and will probably carry the rest of my life. There is a lot of which I have yet to speak about with even my closest friends. While I know I can't blame myself for things of my past and I can't stay angry or hurt at people who horribly wronged me earlier in life, they still carry inside of me and I can't make it all go away.

I am pretty sure that I suffer from depression, not just because of what I've experienced but also because I just have some type of depression that some people just get unannounced and unprovoked by anything. Today I was just out having an eye exam. I was in the waiting room of the doctor's office and it hit me like a truck. I had this overwhelming urge to cry out loud and I had to work so very hard to suppress it. I could feel tears attempting to push through my eyes as I anxiously waited for the appointment to begin. Once it had begun, there was enough going on that I was able to hold it in. I decided I would have Thai food for lunch which I love and hopefully would help, instead, my depression rendered my lunch tasteless and I couldn't even eat half in my disinterest. I got home and I started crying uncontrollably, and just a little while ago calmed down.

Having an episode of depression however has a secondary effect on me, in that it makes it pretty much impossible to suppress all the other things weighing on me. So I get depressed, and just about everything surfaces and it becomes this horrible overwhelming feeling that I can not even begin to describe.

These sudden episodes have happened to me for a long time, and back when I was a teen, every time I would have these episodes I would have extreme suicidal thoughts, which led to near attempts to actually go through with it. These things also fueled my alcoholism, which unfortunately was always readily available where I was. I went to traditional medicine which helped me so much, however, I am now unfortunately far away geographically from those people that were there for me. Nowadays I am stronger than I was back then, I am strong enough to know that depression is not the end, that even though everything seems hopeless that it will pass. It still causes me so much pain, and it horrifies me because those thoughts of suicide do come back. I am strong enough to not act on them now, but they are still there and they haunt me still, especially when I can vividly remember those moments, down to the physical details, where I was so close to following through with it, all those years ago.

I am long overdue for seeing someone about it. I've avoided it. My parents, while they love me, were always against such a thing and were very much against being emotional in any way, which forced me to conceal all that intense pain that had accumulated. My dad, I have to emphasize that he loves me, but his capacities are sometimes limited (as all of ours are) to do certain things. He had a talk with me, where he basically implied I was a horrible person for feeling depressed when I had better circumstances than other people; which it took a while, but now I realize is in fact the wrong way to look at myself. So it has stuck on me, to this day, to not do anything about it and just put on a brave face, but I know this is not the way I am going to help myself.

Another reason I didn't do anything about it is, I am used to seeing people with emotional struggles and having to just deal with them and not doing anything about them. So many of my friends and relatives have PTSD and some sort of other issue, and so I sort of accepted that that was just reality and that I couldn't be fixed, but now I know better. While I doubt I have PTSD, I know I need to figure something out because I hurt bad.

I notice that when I write these journals I usually keep the details to myself. For now I think I am going to keep it that way, and perhaps tell closer friends in more detail what hurts me. I am so blessed to have friends who have jumped to my aid now when I have these episodes of depression. I didn't have this before and I love each and every one of you. Pray for me, and thank you for reading.

This holiday season I invite you guys to do something for those around you in need. There are many charities out there helping those who fall short, yearly, monthly, or even weekly. It can be a bit unsettling to give to a charity as you often don't know where they use that money you donate to them. I am going to make a personal recommendation and say, donate to Toys for Tots, either a money donation or a toy donation (this one is probably better). A money donation can actually be made via their website. If you have any doubts about it, know that Toys for Tots is one of the top rated charities out there so they have a really good reputation for doing things the right way. Here is their website:

http://www.toysfortots.org/default.aspx

I wish I had brought this up sooner since Christmas is quickly approaching. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, I invite you to give something to a child this season. Why am I advertising for them? Well the center where I volunteer from time to time, we get some of the gifts donated from TFT, and we wrap them and give them to the local children here who's parents sometimes are not able to give them anything particularly special this season. If you have never been part of a gift distribution, believe me when I say this is the most heart-warming thing you will see. I usually can not stand being around noisy little children, nonetheless seeing a large amount of children react to opening their presents is just amazing, but also, it is heart-warming to see the parents of the children and giving them that opportunity to see their children receive something really special.

So please give something, even something small, either to a local toys for tots box in your nearby area or to the website!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ ALL THE INFORMATION AND RULES BEFORE INQUIRING:

We have room space available for anyone attending FC 2015. It is floor space. All the information will be listed below. Keep in mind that just because you can pay the room fee doesn't mean you're necessarily going to get the spot. Out of the people who inquire, we will make a selection for the room space, or may choose not to select any of the candidates, as we see fit.

Our room currently consists of me,  yasuno, lukelynxspirit, and  threetails

INFO AND RULES:
Feel free to bring a blow up bed and sleeping bags.

We are staying at the Hilton! Not the Marriott!
In a Non-smoking room!

Hotel AFTER taxes is $622 for 4 nights, Thursday to Monday January 15th - 19th.
Room is non-smoking. Those riding up with us will also have to pay the parking fee.

ROOM RATE: $116-$124 (per roomie)

My share for the room is paid!


RULES:

- You at least need be clean and keep to yourself.
- Fursuit friendly! So youre very free to have you're suit with us!
- You cannot invite anyone in the room. NO NO NO. (This is for the safety of everyone's stuff.)
- Absolutely NO sex/fuck/yiff/doing the dirty in the room. WE WILL KICK YOU OUT. Its just rude :3 And it's everyone's room! If you'd like to do that, please get your own room.
-cuddling is fine also long as its where you sleep.
- Payment is before con BEFORE you are given a room key. No money, no room key. Via paypal and you will pay the extra fees from paypal in order for me to get room money in full. which is an extra (not known yet)
- Respect us and we will respect you! This goes for all items and well everything!
- If you bring food for JUST yourself please tell us, we all normally share food. That way we don't eat your food!
- If it's late at night, please come in the room quietly.
- NOT A PARTY ROOM!! And we ask that if you smoke please sit off a bit before coming in the room. Two of us are very smoke sensitive!
-Also if you toke please do not do it in the room, we will get a heavy fine which you will have to pay.
(ex: At Califur Marriot the fine is $300).


SEND INQUIRIES BY NOTE

I'm not at the con but I know several people who have gone. I don't think I need to kick a dead horse and say that like most of you all, I am sad and angered that someone would do this in a place like this where people are just enjoying themselves. Besides the fact that 19 people were hospitalized (wow that is awful), I really feel for those who had to evacuate not realizing what was going on and being freezing cold not being able to go back into their rooms until 2:30AM. Not only that, when they returned to the rooms there was still an element of uncertainty which probably left everyone uneasy. I am glad to see that the police are taking this matter seriously, and I would think that given so many cameras that operate in a hotel that finding the person responsible is a very real possibility, but then, I don't know how security systems at hotels work.

All I can say for now is, I hope for those of you that are there that it doesn't ruin your experience entirely, and that you make the most out of today at the con. If anyone is still hospitalized, I hope you are doing better and make a quick recovery.


PS: If anyone is not in the loop yet about what happened, here it is: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/.....html?track=rss

Do you ever notice that we don't look up to the sky very much anymore? When I was a child, I used to look up in fascination as I saw the never-ending blue in the day and the black and stars of the night. I don't do this as much anymore. I suppose that in society we are sort of trained to look only at our own levels, or down in shame. I was just thinking to myself, how do I expect to ask the Creator anything if I don't look up, how am I supposed to know where the hawk is guiding me if I am not looking to see where it is leading, and how can I expect the eagle to carry my prayers if I don't even bother to look for the eagle? And lastly, how do I expect to get the most out of my life, if I am only looking at the lower half of all I potentially could be seeing?

"Juniper, when you're on the street, try to pass as white. I don't want to see you get hurt."

This past week I drove down to New York City from my place in Boston, with the intent of meeting with a composer I’ve been wanting to meet for a long time, Brent Michael Davids, a composer of the Mohican Nation. You can easily see why I wanted to meet him, he is the only top tier composer who is American Indian and for that reason I have been wanting to get to know him for a while and introduce myself. One of his operas was being premiered. It was an opera called “The Purchase of Manhattan”, an opera of the story of how the Lenape people were cheated and driven out of their homelands by the Dutch despite their generosity and hospitality toward those very people who would later drive them out. How fitting it was that it was premiered right in Manhattan.

Well first I’ll talk a bit about the trip itself. I was going down Thursday morning and coming back Friday morning to Boston, so it was a very short trip. That first moment me and my friend could see Manhattan from the freeway was great. Once again I was having the same good feelings that I’ve felt before. Once again I was going to a city that once seemed so far and distant, that a rez girl would probably never see.

It is actually pretty bittersweet to walk around NYC. It’s fun to just look at all the lights and all the activity going on all the time. By the same token, it is overwhelming to see so many people rushing along, going on their own business. Several times when I stopped to try and take a picture, I was being pressured to move out of the way by the New Yorkers, and while the magic of the city was there, the feeling of being in such massive crowds was a little anxiety inducing for me. NYC is also very much like a giant mall. People walking around, buying “stuff”. In general when I visit a city, I tend not to buy anything with the name of the city of it, but rather I like taking photographs of the sights and putting them in an album. The city seems so full of life, and yet full of people that don’t seem to be enjoying life too much. Everyone is concerned about where they are going next, worried even. You can see it in peoples eyes. Still, it was a nice experience to see this place that appears so often in media for the first time in my life.

I went to the top of the Empire State Building, which is, believe it or not, a big deal for me because I have this terrible fear of heights. I overcame it though, and I got to have the amazing view of the entire city. Then me and my friend initiated a conversation about something. While the view was great, everything was gray. Aside from Central Park, there was not a lot of green to be seen. Here was once a beautiful forest, we also have to remember that, and this was someone’s home, namely the Lenape. Many Lenape live in Oklahoma where they were forced to move by the US government, but now some have returned to Manhattan but it is not how they once knew it. Also, the air pollution was a little too much for me. Eagles used to fly in this area, but no longer can do so like they used to.

Finally, that night I went to see the opera. As I explained before, the opera was about the Lenape and how they were cheated and driven out of their land, eventually driven all the way out to Oklahoma, far away from their home lands. Those who have returned (and now live in Manhattan) have come back to see that their ancestral lands are nothing like what they were when they first left. The performance of the opera was partially sponsored by The Lenape Center in Manhattan which is great that they did this, but, it was also partially sponsored by the Marble Collegiate Church, and for those who don’t know, and I didn’t know this, but it is a church of Dutch origins. This church recently publicly apologized to the Lenape people and admitted openly all the wrong-doings that their people and their organization had done to the original inhabitants of the land in which they stood. This was chilling to hear, to the point I almost wept. You see, they did something that the rest of the country is still refusing to do: admit that horrible things were done and accepting that their group was the culprit. Most of the time people go to the routine “Get over it! it’s in the past!” But you see, because this organization did this, there was very clear healing between the two parties. The Lenape representatives and the Dutch representatives were onstage together, and they were able to do this because finally there was honesty about it, and there was remorse for it. Some people ask “What would apologizing to the Native Americans do?” It would do so much! It changes the conversation. It builds strong bridges between groups of people that fortifies all of those involved.

The opera was wonderful, on point, and just beautifully staged, with a small orchestra, soloists, choirs, and traditional Lenape singers. It was wonderful. I will treasure this experience for a long time. It gave me hope. I am hopeful to see more like this happen. Great things can come about when we choose to perform music together, and for good causes.

“We have never really seen the war go away… if you’re dying from the 7th Cavalry’s bullets, if you’re dying from induced poverty and racism, and class systems, and sex systems, and if you’re dying from alcoholism… or someone has come now in the name of maximizing their profit and they’re getting you to work in the mines, the uranium mines, and you’re dying from lung cancer, and you’re dying from the cancers and the diseases that come out of that- YOU’RE DYING. It’s the same as the bullet killing you, and I see that all as a WAR." - John Trudell

That quote right there is from just one of many, thousands of speeches we as Indigenous people have continued to make as we keep speaking out about the constant assaults on our land rights and our well being. However, whenever we talk about these things, whenever we make noise, we are ignored by the media. Even at the height of Idle No More, where we had protests in every major city, just like Occupy did, we somehow managed to not get ANY mainstream media coverage. People do not understand the determination we currently have to fight this. Many of us have gone as far as saying they are willing to die for this cause.

http://redpowermedia.wordpress.com/.....bout-to-begin/

However, we're making it happen. We're making our voices heard. A story that broke news recently was from the Rosebud Sioux Nation, who declared the Keystone Pipeline an Act of War.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nat.....icle-1.2012976

This is not an exaggeration. How many more of our children need to get sick? How much longer are we going to be dealing with being in the most polluted areas in the country? How many more oil spills and environmental destruction of our land needs to happen? Right now in Arizona, there is a big cloud of pollution over a lot of Indian lands, probably the worst in the country. This is perhaps another reason I need to move back. I need to once again be at the front lines of this, since this is my home I would be defending.

Just in the last video I posted there was a section about the Tar Sands in Alberta, and the devastation on the environment, and the many Native elders who were weeping during their protests as they see what has happened to the land they grew up in. Why does no one care when we are weeping? How much further? When will it be enough? How much more do you need to destroy our lands, our sovereignty, and our way of life for your money god?

We are making more noise than ever now. We're waking up, and we're in this fight. And everyone has to remember, that this fight we are making is also for you. We as Native people have always been at the forefront of defending the environment that provides for all of us here and will continue to be, but I am calling you all to this, because, first they will take and pollute our lands as Native people, but YOU will eventually be next. What are you going to do when your local water source gets polluted? Where are you going to get your water from?

And make no mistake, we will be heard. We are the 7th generation, and our time is coming. We are going to fight back. Asking nicely has failed, because otherwise good people have chosen to remain silent. But we won't be silent anymore. We're fighting our fight for our rights as Native people, for our ways to survive and for our people to survive, but also for the rights of the earth and creation, for the good of ALL people.

MTV just released this video as part of a Rebel Music series and this one features Native musicians as they talk about issues surrounding American Indian communities today and how these artists incite positive change; most of these issues the media and schools never tell you about! Believe me, this is worth your time! A lot of this is stuff I have seen in my communities:

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?.....52456634446701

I just had to write a journal about the concert I just got to go to. Boston Symphony Orchestra performed Sofia Gubaidulina's Offertorium and Jean Sibelius Symphony no 2. Most people are familiar with Sibelius but not as familiar with Gubaidulina, who is a Finnish composer now in her 90s and still living. Much of her music, as she describes it, has to do with human transcendence and mystical spiritualism and taking the listener to another place. I had listened to some of Gubaidulina's works over some headphones, which I enjoyed, but I can not insist enough that listening to her music live is something else. While it is true for almost every piece of music that hearing it live is different than a recording, I feel this to be especially the case with Gubaidulina. I had never come out of a concert with so many chills. It was a life changing experience for me as a composer. Here now is just a section of what I got to hear and the chilling atmosphere she creates through her music:

Listen from 27:49 to the end



If there is one thing I will say about the BSO, I wish they did more modern works. I get that they have to play what sells, which means more Beethoven, and I get that Boston Modern Orchestra exists for the modern stuff, but Boston Symphony is world-renowned and they are the ideal ensemble to play the emerging works of our time and they definitely should. In the mean time, performances like the one done tonight are more than appreciated!

 threetails is looking for someone to room with at FC so if anyone has space for another person then let her know! She is looking to release her newest novel at the convention as well so you are bound to have someone very interesting to chat with if you invite her to share the room with her!

Have you ever heard the earlier music of Jerry Goldsmith? Perhaps The Wind and the Lion, or even The Secret of NIMH? How about the music (from various composer) in the original The Twilight Zone series? You've probably heard people say the expression "Those were the good days" and I think this applies here.

Just today someone linked me a short trailer to one of those many fundraiser projects online for a video game they want to create. The background music, it made me headdesk. No, it wasn't "bad" music, not at all. The problem was, it was yet another generic "epic" piece of music with the same orchestration as many other "epic" pieces of music with the same feel and same chord progression as many other "epic" pieces of music. I was almost inclined to say "I've heard that piece of music before" which was kind of an exaggeration but kind of the truth. Maybe they did not copy the melody of another piece of music, but they copied almost every other aspect of another piece of music to the point I almost want to say it's plagiarized.

In this case I am talking specifically about media music. There was a time when media music (TV and movie, and now game music) was very imaginative. As I said, look at some of the scores I mentioned above. If you watch the "The Twilight Zone" series again, listen to the music. It is very imaginative. It was original while fully serving the mood of the shows. A lot of the earlier movie music was very original and imaginative. Nowadays however, music is becoming more and more generic. Every movie I go see has the same tropes in music, the heavily synthesized drums and rhythmic string ostinati, and very unineresting rhythms and tempi. With the advance of technology and the use of synthesizers which open the possibility for more new sounds, it has instead contributed to the stagnation of the growth of media music. That's what I think this really is. It's a stagnation of media music. It has been the same for years now and it's not growing; it's not becoming better, it's becoming worse. Every time I go to the movies I hear the same music. No one tries anything interesting anymore, and quite frankly I find a lot of the media composing to be very lazy. What disappoints me even more though is that this has infected its way into the works of a lot of emerging media composers as well. Emerging composers who do not yet have obligations with directors and producers are already striving to sound exactly like the generic media composers, as I saw from this video game trailer I saw today. It's pretty disheartening because it's killing creativity. It's almost like it's becoming yet another one of those "I want to fit in with the mainstream" kind of peer pressures. Like I said, I understand when you're working for someone and they DEMAND that you sound a certain way, then yes you have no choice, but yet I see a lot of people who are not under those obligations that still choose to deliberately sound generic, and produce that generic "epic" sound. The movie making business has its share in the blame to be fair, since often times it is what they ask for, but again, those emerging media composers are still striving to sound like Hans Zimmer rather than striving to sound like themselves, to bring out their unique voices. They want to have those awful sounding "epic" synth drums and those "epic" thick string sections so saturated in reverb that it just sounds awful, and most improtantly, it sounds unoriginal.

I'm speaking about this from the perspective of a concert composer and not a media composer. Concert composers are all about their own voices and taking what they learn from other composers to apply to their own voices (not trying to sound like them). There are fewer of us concert composers in sites like these than there are media composers. I'm trying to create my own voice as I compose, and come up with newer sounds that have never been heard by audiences. Isn't that the beauty of art? Aren't we trying to express ourselves.

Going back to media for a moment, it is true that like media composers try and emote a scene in a movie, an actor tries to portray an emotion of a character in a scene; but even the actor is supposed to put something of himself or herself in the part so that it's never the same as when another actor plays the same part. Media composers need to put themselves into their work and bring something of themselves into it, and try to come up with something new. If media composers do this, we can finally have music that sounds different and perhaps even more truly "epic" than what we've sort of lazily labeled "epic" nowadays. Today's media music has largely become tasteless like a food you've eaten everyday for months on end.

PS: Can we PLEASE retire the word "epic" especially when referring to orchestral music?


EDIT: I'm putting up some of the best movie music that I know off hand because I think these need to be remembered and appreciated way more than they have been!

Lawrence of Arabia - Maurice Jarre


Vertigo - Bernard Hermann


Ben Hur - Miklos Rozsa

Every so often I have a moment where I stop and think about how far I've come in life up until now, if just for a brief moment. What I don't often do however is actually have a more deep reflection on how I've grown in my life. I titled this journal "Counting Coup". It was a way for warriors (mainly from the Plains Indians tribes) to gain prestige in a tribe for their bravery and heroic acts. I hardly consider myself a warrior, at least not in the "literally fighting in a battlefield kind of way" but as I have spent more time with my elders, they have continued to tell me something that has taken me a while to take in and really grasp. They tell me that I am a warrior in a different way, yet still a very honorable way. At first I was a bit adverse to the idea, given I don't put myself at risk of death for others like the warriors, my ancestors, who fell defending our lands did. But the battlefield has changed as they explained. It's not in battlefields anymore, it's in the courts, it's in society, it's in other ways we are struggling to survive. Cue myself 5 years ago.

I've spoken a few times about where I was ten years ago, a wannabe thug, drinker, committing small level crimes. As spoken before, I came out of it with a lot of help. 5 years ago however, I had myself in the right path and was no longer doing anything of what I was doing before that was destroying me. I still felt however that I was missing something.

By that point I was already speaking to my grandfather who had helped me get on the right track by help of teaching me our culture; but at the time I was still in some awkward stage where I was going through school and not yet really feeling complete. At the time I couldn't afford to see him often and I hadn't done much in the way of participating in culture anywhere that wasn't with him involved, plus my shyness was getting in the way. I was afraid to look for these things all by myself. Nonetheless I felt like the culture was missing in my life, even then I could perceive it, and I remember feeling cheated that I was left out of my culture because it was beaten out of us during my parents and grandparents generation. You see, I was on the right track to having superficial things like a job and stability, but those two things don't make a person complete. I wanted to be a warrior.

But wow do things change a lot in a few years. Where am I today? Well today I was just cleaning up my altar, that I was able to create myself from all that I have learned from the teachings I learned. A corner in my room that would be dedicated to prayer. I have four sacred herbs: sage, cedar, sweetgrass, and tobacco. I have all four elements present, earth, fire (when lit), water in a water bowl, and air. I have a place where I can pray, the way my grandfather and elders taught me. Then, I was placing my feathers in the red covering I have for them, and for whatever reason I had never counted them. I have 11 feathers. I just thought to myself, when did all this happen? When did I earn 11 feathers, 2 of which are bald eagle feathers! All these people found me worthy of being gifted feathers and I could not feel more humbled. Between 5 years ago and now and then I had earned 11. I've also been active at helping our communities out with simple gestures and help on the ground, not as much as I potentially could but I plan to continue to change that as I want to do far more social work when I move back west. I'm far more active in our cultures, I'm now actively drumming and I know so many of our traditions now surrounding ceremonies and pow wows. I am drumming and singing, and my voice has become very good at singing in various native styles. I have also taken on my new gender-identity that my culture helped me find, and one that I feel finally fits who I am and has helped me become more spiritually aware. The more I return to the culture and ways, the more complete I feel complete, and in turn the more I feel like I am a part of what I was meant to be a part of. Even my parents have started loosing those negative thoughts they had about our culture and starting to accept it back in as well in their lives as they see me doing it. As one of my elders out here in Massachusetts has said to me, they tried to take this away from us during his generation, but once I recover it for us, they can no longer suppress it or destroy it. It's with me and it is a part of me, it's grown and it's flourishing, and I'm taking on this identity that I was meant to have from birth, and in doing so, I am defeating age-old enemies of our cultures to the ground. I and those of my generation like me, we are defeating those who dedicated their lives to ridding the earth of our culture, and ridding us of our identity, and when I put it in this perspective, we are indeed warriors and we are winning this battle, and we are doing exactly as we are meant to do.

I have never felt so focused as I am now and I have never felt so determined. I have confidence in myself while still having the amazing guidance that my elders continue to give me, advice that is traditional and that I have applied to my life. I'm excited to move back west, because I will be able to more fully immerse myself in our culture. The culture I felt I was needing to be a part of 5 years ago but that I couldn't bring myself into. All of this has kept my life in such good focus. It doesn't mean I don't fuck up sometimes, but I have somewhere to turn when it happens, where I can get myself up, get some good advice, and continue fighting on. I fight on for people in my own life, those friends I know both native and non-native, and I do exactly what I am meant to do.

So I suppose in that regard, I am a warrior now. I am fighting those adversities that kept me and so many of my brothers and sisters down for so long. My training is not complete, but I have the best trainers in the world in the form of my elders. I feel like I can't be stopped anymore, I am doing so many things right that I wasn't doing before, and I can only move forward from here. There are many more battles to fight, for this is a long and ongoing war, but I feel like I can finally hold up my bow and let out my battle cry for all to hear. Those I love: my friends, my family, and my allies will hear my cry and feel good knowing that I am with them fighting for them, and my enemies will hear my cry and fear that I have become so strong and fear suffering the consequences of their actions against me and those I love.

I've been performing at weddings for about 6 years now, and when you've done it for a while, you begin to make observations about how people behave around a wedding and in the planning and everything that goes around it. After playing the same music for so many times; for example, I've probably played Pachelbel Canon in D more than 100 times now), you get bored and start just observing patterns that tend to play themselves out at weddings.

I've played both fully secular and sacred weddings, Jewish and pretty much every denomination of Christian: Baptist, Episcopalian, Catholic, Methodist, Congregational, and others out there, and there are some things that just happen no matter what the nature of the wedding. Most of the people I do weddings for are upper-middle to upper class families, for no particular reason, they just seem to be the ones who book me the most. In any case, here are some of the patterns I have witness both during the wedding and during the planning stages in my time being a wedding musician.

Unhealthy Obsession to Detail and Size
The wedding party, the bride and groom, and/or the parents tend to get unhealthy obsessed with every little detail to the point they get stressed out and you can clearly see they are not having fun, and they set themselves up to be disappointed if one little detail goes wrong; and despite that, once they're in the actual wedding, they forget about everything anyway and end up just following the ceremony. Then the weddings are stupidly expensive and have so many people and so many elements that are hard to manage all together. Some of these weddings have so many elements it's ridiculous: A flower girl, children's procession, massive bridal procession, who knows what other kinds of processions, to the point where it's stressful for everyone to get this right. Me as the musician, I end up getting endless calls and emails asking if this detail is going to happen or this other song is going to be played and what version, and get super into the details that it stresses me out as I know for a fact that they won't even really notice, and even if they did, why do you care so much whether or not I play that extra measure at the end?

Family Members' Sense of Entitlement
This one tends to happen more with the upper middle and upper class weddings I do. It never fails that some random family member who I don't even know asks a pointless question, like "Do you know who I am?" Being super self-absorbed. No you jackass, I don't know who you are, why the hell would I know? Then they might ask something like, "You are going to play song 'x' right?" And the thing with that is, they all have wedding programs where they could easily see what music is going to be played. They just want to be able to tell me what to do even though I'm already going to do it. They have some kind of power trip. Suddenly because it's their relative or friend that's getting married suddenly they're some kind of royalty in this environment where the weddings are happening.

Everyone is Miserable!
This is another one that tends to pertain more to upper middle and upper class weddings. I walk into the venue whether it be outdoors or a church or any kind of space, and everyone is there, super serious-faced, uptight, uncomfortably sitting on their seats. Very few people are smiling. Is this a wedding or a funeral? Good God lighten up! Not even when I am playing something very cheerful do they light up or even hint at a smile. What are you guys so miserable about? This is perhaps the one that bugs me the most. People spend so much on the details of this wedding, and they don't even enjoy it. It just goes to show that not even all that money spent will make people happy. Maybe some people just choose to be miserable. By contrast, not long ago I played at a wedding for a Dominican couple. Very humble people. But people were extremely cheerful and were dancing to my music in a way that was so exciting for me to see. I'm not making this up, it's almost comical the way money seems to make people miserable.

Bridezillas
Actually, you'd be surprised to know that they're not anywhere near as common as you might think. I've had very few brides where I've felt frustrated by her attitude. It might just be my luck so far but really, usually brides are nowhere near as difficult to work with as one might think and I find this worth mentioning since I know brides get such a bad rep in the media and in gossip, but I can tell you, I usually don't hold my tongue, brides for me are rarely difficult to work with.

I'm Not the Demographic You Expected
So this one doesn't happen too often either luckily, or maybe some people are better at hiding it, but yes, I know, you didn't expect your wedding organist to be an American Indian in their 20s. Maybe you pictured I would be white and in my late 30s but yes here I am. I don't believe this bugs most people once they get over that initial shock. There have been a few times where I could clearly see that it was a problem, again, usually with the upper class clients. One was recent, I met with a bride and her mother. The bride was very friendly and we got along great but her mother did not even try to hide the fact she was not happy with me as she stared at me very condescendingly and spoke that way too. They ended up hiring me anyway. Another time I was working with a bride who asked me where I went to school, a common question I have no problem answering. I told her I went to Boston Conservatory, and her response was, "Oh how wonderful! Isn't affirmative action a great thing?" I had to hold in my anger at being so blatantly insulted until after the meeting was done. Because I couldn't have possibly made it into BoCo by my own merit right? Obviously, very angering and frustrating. Every single one of my clients have not only found me to be competent at my job but even outstanding, again, by my own merit.

Parents of the Bride
Okay, so here is where the real problem people. I've had so many instances where one of the parents, usually the mother, is super controlling of everything going on in every aspect of the wedding. In many cases, and I am sad to see this, the bride ends up consulting with the mother for her to approve everything as if she was the one getting married. I suppose I could understand wanting to please your parents, but I sometimes want to tell the bride and groom, it's YOUR wedding, why are you asking your mom for approval? Furthermore, mom, why don't you back off? You had your wedding, let your daughter/son have theirs.

Photographers
I don't know what it is about photographers, but I already don't like photographers in general. Why? Because they come in uninvited to pow wows a lot as well, and too often they're just so fascinated with all these Indians everywhere that they're shoving cameras up everyone's faces, including mine as I'm drumming or something, and I almost want to break their camera. The same happens at weddings. They think they are the center of the world and that their job is the only job on this day. They LITERALLY push people aside to get a particular photograph, they rudely just stand in someone's way out of nowhere, and of course, they've in more than one instance, shoved a camera at my face as I'm playing music. Remarkably rude and annoying.

People Don't Know Their Holy Books
This one is usually exclusive to Christian weddings, though, even when a poem or something is read in secular weddings this sort of happens a lot. People don't know what they're reading. They don't even know how to pronounce key names in the passage. They pronounce "Tobit" like "Tawbit", "Sirach" like "Sur-ratch" or pronounce "Ecclesiates" like "Ecclessissasssteesseeeeeeees" and no it's not that they have an accent, or they stumble trying to pronounce Epphesians or Corinthians or something like that. Then throughout the reading they stumble through it. I seriously don't get how they wouldn't at least practice what they're about to read to at least hide the fact that they don't go to church every Sunday. I played in one Jewish wedding a while back, the readings were actually read in the Hebrew language though so I had no way of knowing how good they were but I can say that I think it's impressive considering how much I've seen reading fails in other weddings.

Overdone Speeches, Sermons, and Jokes
I've probably heard certain jokes so many times that they get a groan out of me when I've heard them for the 100th time, and these usually come during speeches from family members or sermons from the minister/priest. The most simple example I can give is, there are so many jokes that revolve around the husband being obedient to the wife's demands and saying "yes dear". But there are a lot of awful jokes I wish would just die already. Sometimes someone giving a speech just blurts out a really inappropriate joke that leaves us all O_O Like... WHY did you think that was funny?


Yeah I know, it's an odd thing to complain about. Actually playing for weddings can be rewarding, and I don't just mean the money, though that's a part of it I suppose. I do love the feeling of having played a beautiful piece of music (albeit I've likely played it 100+ times by now) and looking out and seeing everyone just looking mesmerized and speechless. I feel that satisfaction of a job well done, NAILED IT! Though EEP! No one said it was an easy job. I am glad to be performing for so many people each year. With that said too, you know you guys have a musician right here who would gladly play at your wedding!

Dear Kelli,

It has come to my attention that recently you had an experience that left you hurt and in fear. You seem like a decent human being. That is most unfortunate, and I am sorry the world is so cruel. I can not however shed a tear for you, nor feel like I have any obligation to jump to your defense. You see… what you felt for a few minutes when you were outnumbered and silenced, that’s what we have felt all our lives. That pain, that fear, and that feeling of being belittled is a daily for us, and like you, we can not call the police when that is done to us; but what bothers me is that that was only just a taste and yet you do not see that for us, it is exponentially worse. It is like being beaten to the spirit relentlessly. You see, you had to face 8 American Indians who voiced their opinions to you, and even after you said you would have a dialogue, you made it about you and accused us of the very things we suffer each day, and yet you remain silent when we are the victims. How much easier is your life that this was such a new and shocking experience for you? For this reason, I can not shed a tear for you, knowing that after you left that panel you would go back to safety and not have to experience it anymore. You have a place of safety, but we do not, we have a life sentence.

You say you were threatened, and yet all that you had to face were people of differing opinions, in a controlled environment. Just look at what happened to those same Indians outside the Redskins stadium. "I'll fucking cut you," "Go the Fuck Home" You see, those are real threats, and those are what we cry about and when we want to speak out we are simply silenced by an overwhelming majority, much like how you were overwhelmed in that panel. You felt defamed, and yet your team’s name and logo continues to defame us. Let me ask you Kelli, do I look like that? Does my brother or sister look like that? Does my mother, or father, or grandfather look like that? What’s more, are we nothing more than a bounty? A hunted animal? Game that you are paid to kill?

So you might think I am being harsh with you, but I am only trying to make you understand, and this is the only way. I can not feel sympathy for you, because you nor your friends nor your allies have ever felt sympathy for us, otherwise you would have listened to what our thoughts were about it. Instead we have all been forced to shout. We are forsaken because of people like you who think they can tell us what to think and who think they have all the answers. I know, you in the privileged classes, you are good at telling, but you are awful at listening. But you know what? It is never a bad time to begin. We have kept the door open for dialogue for as long as we can remember, the problem is, you have everything you need where you are. You can survive just fine without ever entering that door to dialogue. You can turn on the TV or listen to the radio and see/hear all your people. Depending on what you believe you might even turn on Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, or Bill Maher or the like who will tell you that everything you think is right and that everyone who disagrees with you is wrong. But we do not have that privilege, and we need to speak out to survive, so you are not in a position to tell me not to get angry when this society has destroyed and damaged me, my family, my culture, and so much of what I know. I am a human being and I get angry when I am treated with such injustice and I get angry when no one listens to our cries. The world is harsh once you step out of that viewpoint of privilege. And no you are not 1/12 Cherokee, which by all logic is impossible. To you and everyone who claim a distant Cherokee ancestor, it’s no different than when your parents told you that Santa Clause was real, time to wake up and stop believing it. For that matter, Santa Clause doesn’t visit poor Indian children on the reservation, remember that.

It is hard and even brutal growing up American Indian. Maybe if you do want to come listen, you can hear what really goes on, and then you will know why that word is so horrible. That being said, you also have the privilege of not listening, and continuing about with your happy life, and happy football team name and logo; but if you do, then you have forsaken me, my family, and my people, and ultimately what you are doing is just a continuation to that which was happening 50 years ago, 100 years ago, and even 500 years ago.

Everything I just wrote to you must have felt awful, but you know what else is awful? Being disciplined by your parents and caretakers. Yes it feels awful but it is for your own betterment, and so is this. This is a spanking that was still owed to you. What I feel is far worse than what you had to read here. Voicing my opinion means facing awful language telling me to go get drunk, or to go back to my own country (irony), or to remain silent until I fix the poverty problems in my communities (which your people created) as if I can not both speak about my feelings on this and be a part of the solution. I have to fight my anger everyday and try and be calm and collected to please the very people that ignore me, but I make every effort to become a part of the solution. I have gone as far as I can and I need you to meet me halfway for this real dialogue to begin. Will you stop ignoring the fact that I exist? Will you start acknowledging my pain and stop asking me to pretend it’s not there? You can choose to help me, or you can make me disappear. It is your choice.

Sincerely,
Juniper ‘Stands Firm’ Escalera



(Kelli O'Deil was one of four Redskins fans who agreed to appear on the Daily Show and would later make claims to the media that the American Indian panelists ambushed them and described feeling "dehumanized" by the experienced, even called the police where there was no crime)

I might be moving to Phoenix, AZ in the very near future! An opportunity just popped up, a really good one. You all know how badly I've been wanting to move back. Everyone keep me in your prayers.

You all probably saw the most recent upload I made of my new fursuit partial made by the amazing  lobitaworks! Check out my new account for my fursuit which can be found at  Naayan! There will be more photos to come soon as I go to his first meets and such. He will definitely be making an appearance at FC 2015 and ANE 2015! I can't wait to see you all there!

Be sure to read part 1 of this, (the previous journal) before reading this part.

So now you understand why I want to move back west so bad, now you see why it is important to me. So what is my plan for moving back west? To be honest, all there is is a goal to move back west sometime in mid 2015 but the city is undecided. While I was going to attempt to move specifically to Flagstaff, I had to be real with myself and realize that it would be a city where it would be difficult for me to make a living. As of now I'm thinking of three cities in a more realistic sense: Los Angeles, San Diego, and Phoenix. Second choice cities include Tucson, Flagstaff, San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle. My first choices are the first three though because of the easy drive it would be to see any and all of my family. While I lived in LA before and hated it, that might just be due to the fact that I lived in some rough areas of the city, LA being a rough city as it is, but I think if I moved to the right neighborhood, I might get a nice new start to it. San Diego is a city I have always loved, there is less musician work there than in LA, however I have done my investigation and I can see ways in which I can definitely begin integrating myself into the classical music scene there. Phoenix is rough too, and from what I hear, pretty racist (as is Arizona in general for that matter), but at this point it doesn't scare me, and I'd be willing to take the risk to be able to live in my home state again.

It'll just be a matter of applying to jobs in these cities, and when I am able to find one that suits me, that's where I'll end up moving. There isn't much more to the plan than that right now. I'm just going to start saving starting now and gradually build a nice cushion for my move. I know I likely want to do a cross-country road trip when I do so hey if you're in the middle of the country, I may well be stopping by in your state! I definitely want to keep my car which is only a year old so I want to keep it! Plus I think it will be fun to drive around California or Arizona and be that one person who has a license plate that's from clear on the other side of the country, Massachusetts!

Here's perhaps another thing that I like about being home. There are certain topics of discussion that I was used to having before I moved out here that I in general can no longer have out here. It's not that I don't want to talk to my non-Native friends but how many of my non-Native friends can have a conversation about one or more of the following topics: Northern Cree, Rez Humor, Pow Wows, Dancing, Ceremony, Tribal Politics, Native Social Issues, Culture. It's really okay that you don't, I don't expect it of you, the reason I bring it up is because, these are topics that I like talking about and yet suddenly I have to keep it to myself, and often times I find myself bringing up these topics to friends who have no idea what I'm talking about. It just brings back that feeling of wanting to be with family and wanting to be with people that can relate to these sort of things.

This second part of this journal wasn't as deep or emotional as the first, but I suppose it was good to talk about some of the things I wanted to talk about in terms of planning my return back west. It's a matter of time and I have to be patient. Once again thank you all for reading, always means a lot to me! All I can say now is, I can't wait to be holding that one-way ticket back home in my hands!