So I'm not even at this Trek to Orlando event for 15 minutes and already I've gotten to share an elevator ride with Malcolm Reed and Trip Tucker from Enterprise!! This is gonna be a wild weekend!!

Hey all, sorry for admittedly a bit of a drama/vent journal, but this has been boiling for awhile now and I guess it's coming to a head. Consider yourselves warned. Screencaps to be found on the DeviantArt post of this https://www.deviantart.com/theappre.....one-1206725272

TL/DR: I had a friendship turn sour, he wrote a hit piece about me and tried to review bomb my book, I accidentally faved from him last night because apparently he unblocked me, quickly remedied the mistake, now this guy who's talked about physical violence towards me in the past, is using my real name to threaten doxing me, and claiming I'm stalking him. (SHOCKER, he might also be racist. See bottom for pictures. You make that call.)

I had a friend of over 10 years who's designing talent and classic sci fi was more than considerable, and in that time we've emailed, talked over Discord, I shared my book on amazon with him, he even drew one of my designs once. And while he had a bad habit to monologue about his own works, often focusing very little on what I brought to a conversation unless it was about his work, and often he had a penchant to make up tall tales, I didn't mind all that much. It wasn't hard to look past at all when you're both passionate about much the same things.

Well, one night after posting uncensored and inflammatory political pictures to DeviantArt that got him clapped by the Admins, unable to take responsibility for his own actions, when I spoke to him about this with the gentleness one would use with a child, his ego wouldn't allow him to admit fault. After being friends with someone that long, you know when you're reading something they wrote, and when they like to portray their adversaries as inferior to their own intellect and hides in fake spelling errors to their texted out "Proof" instead of a screenshot, it becomes insultingly to one's intelligence to presume I won't notice.

But of course, ego prevailed and instead of admitting it, or dropping it, Bluestone blocked me everywhere (remember this, as this will be important later). Oh, and to top it all off, he's mad that I challenged his honor, but then proved he had none, as the very next day he went under an assumed name and left a negative review on my book. At the time, I had like 3 reviews on my book, counting his, so he took me from a 5 star rating, down to like 3, which hurts the chances of trying to make my life's dream a reality. I'm by no means a big creator online. According to Bluestone, he's worked professionally designing starships for people with his own office back in the day, being in magazines, and wanting to write his own book. The idea that a near 60 year old man, who's tasted the same dream, would even THINK to go for the kill for a smaller creator's work is unconscionable. He's never read my book, as his eye sight is too bad. In his own words, he was afraid that one day he'd have to stop drawing because on some days he could only see shadows out of his one eye.

He then made a post where he intentionally tried to misrepresent my political beliefs to his audience, which I find WILD considering he said this about ACTUAL NAZIS, when I was trying to talk about a fictitious pseudo-fascist group in one of my Apocalyptic books.

Image on DeviantArt https://www.deviantart.com/theappre.....one-1206725272

btw he later had a whole sci fi fourth reich thing in his gallery before he deleted everything, so there's obviously some things about him I didn't know. I guess I dodged a bullet with this, especially with some of the things that he later said, or the fact he liked to pretend he was a troll hunter in some Cowboy game, harass people online, and then post it to his alternate Youtube Channel Avenging Terrier. But I digress.

Since I was blocked, all of his artwork disappeared from my favorites, and search results. Apparently when he recently purged his account, he unblocked me? I didn't think it needed said for anyone, but when you UNBLOCK SOMEONE, they can see your art in search results. Last night I was searching through DeviantArt and saw a cool floppy disk picture, faved it, and guess who's name popped up as the artist? I unfaved, and discovered today not only was I blocked, but he decided to use my real name and try to talk tough again, like the previous post about kicking my ass. I faved from him in the past because we like similar things in sci fi and graphic design, and I just KNEW how he was going to respond..

Threatening violence is nothing new to him, as anyone who's gotten on his bad side before can attest. I don't remember the usernames, I think one was Homelander something, that he threatened legal action against for comments he didn't like, and some bravado about beating him up. Given that he has my address and shown there's not much he's not willing to stoop to, tried twice now to paint me as a political extremist, I want to give people a fair warning of who he really is. When I mentioned free speech, he seemed in the past to think that meant making racial comments, talking in voice call about "Brown" people in his country, and texting a certain word like he had carte blanche.

Image on DeviantArt https://www.deviantart.com/theappre.....one-1206725272

I have full uncensored screencaps from our chats, but I think we have a clear picture here. I'm just tired of his childish temper and trying to restart fights or go after my irl stuff. I'm not asking anyone to bully him, or talk to him, I give you this as a public service. If you see the name Jonathan Bluestone, Outland Industries, Fallen Worlds, or the Arcos Mk 1, just ignore him. Block him and don't engage. Just let him exist in the paranoid space he's made for himself and maybe appreciate his designs from afar. I'll be re-posting this across all of my accounts as a warning to anyone in the sci fi spaces to be forewarned.

Ring the Birthday bell and hide your Furbies, guess who's Birthday it is today!! lol My God, 33 and Darwinism hasn't got me yet!

With the hurricane behind me and the craziness that happened with my bank sorted out, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm okay now. The money is sorted, I made fun of the hurricane's dorky name, and nothing was destroyed! I made it, and I owe a deep debt of gratitude to everyone who helped while I was down. It's funny how just one little computer error can throw a life into chaos. Honestly it's easy to feel like I don't matter to anyone, or that I'm just one face in a crowd online trying to be noticed. The fact that I managed to bounce back as well as I did, thanks to all of you, is deeply flattering. Thank you all so much! I love you all!!

This has been a slow and steady fight since February, that's been a slow, desperate downward spiral. Long story short, I need to try to make 360 dollars by tonight because my bank royally screwed me over and overdrafted my account with some weird huge automatic payment. It's just depressing and I help asking for help, because I'm always the one to try to come rushing to the rescue when my friends and family needs me, but life has just been continually trying its level best to cut me down lower and lower and lower. I started the year off with a $550 rent increase which my parents couldn't afford, so I did what anyone would do, especially since my dad was still getting over Cancer: I rushed in to save the day. They needed $500 a month from me, so I did. It was a drain, but nothing I couldn't manage. Then my work cut me down from 4 days a week to 3. It made things a little tight, but my boss said she didn't like the way 4 days was wearing on me. It's hard physical work, and it's just about ruined my back, and while it made things a little more difficult, I appreciated the thought. Now we're down to 2 days a week, and I'm being told, despite having been given a plaque which I still have on my wall saying how I'm the best Juicer around, that I'm too slow and the weakest link in there. I'm trying to find a new job to upgrade to, but that takes time. I'm trying to save back up to repay the people who've had to help me thus far, but this thing with the bank has completely shattered me. EVERY SINGLE TIME I feel like I'm getting solid footing to start trying to get things back under control, something else comes flying out of nowhere to make things even harder for me.

I have nowhere else to turn. I have nothing else I can do. I have no other options, so here's my Hail Mary: Emergency Commissions are open, I have a Kofi if you just want to donate. Please someone just let me know you're there, that the good I've done has people in my life willing and able to help me now. Just message me and we'll do business!

So there's this guy whose art I've been following, who does really cool and inspiring alien designs, and they're holding an art raffle! The user is :dawnatsunset: and the contest can be found here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/58219158/

I highly suggest checking them out, and they're well worth the watch even if you don't want to enter the raffle!!

Happy 4th of July my dear friends! I hope you all enjoy your festivities, the company you're with, and the beautiful fireworks!

lol Another year older and none the wiser! lol Bending over has become an Olympic sport, and I constantly feel like I never have the time to do all the things I plan. But to all of you in my life, thank you from the deepest places of my heart for being on this journey with me!

lol you know, it might be stupid, but unironically this still makes me laugh, and I've been on-again, off-again quoting it for years! It's funny, it's nostalgic, and now all of you get to share in my insanity! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2n5A4FkDqMI

To all my followers, friends, and family, thank you all for a wonderful year, thank you for being a part of my life in my journey, and I cherish every moment with all of you! Here's to 2024! I'll see you all in, through, and beyond!
https://media.tenor.com/-W-mcEo-IlU.....ole-disney.gif

To all of my dear friends, Happy Thanksgiving. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for being a part of my life! In the spirit of the holiday, I figured I'd post this fun throwback from you Youtube Channel! Pringles, my challenge is still out there! https://youtu.be/1dZsDzQZ5JA?si=2IBQsL_m7lkiSNkd

I love you all!

To anyone who can spare it, there's a person that means the world to me, and her Grandmother has passed away. Neither of us have the money to cover the funeral costs, so she's started a GoFundMe. If you can, whatever you can, please donate to her! Whether it's a dollar or 50, it all helps! I'd be grateful to anyone who can help! https://www.gofundme.com/f/funeral-.....ource=customer

Hello and Happy New Year, everyone! 2023, dear God where does the time go anymore? To everyone whose stuck with me up until now, I am deeply flattered and honored by your continued presence, and to everyone new I meet along the way, I wish you the fondest hellos and hope that I provide excellent entertainment for you!

For those of you wondering, dad's pretty much beat cancer's ass. He's just going through radiation and chemo to double-tap it and get it completely taken care of! This man's luck is something else, because despite being a life long drinker and smoker, who got a sudden onset of an aggressive cancer, he's pretty much back to his old self. Apparently the cancer was so aggressive in its onset that after it made the tumor, it has spread so fast that it fizzled out and pretty much didn't spread beyond the tumor and a few lymph nodes. Removing the tumor got all but a little bit of the cancer, which is being mopped up with these treatments. No loss of energy, no loss of mobility, or strength. The only thing he's lost was a lot of weight, which he's hoping to keep off. (meanwhile I'm here eating lentils and dirt and still can't fit into my suit jackets lol)

I was hoping to make this journal at the 1st, but between work needing me for a few extra days and just generally not having the gumption that I was hoping I'd have coming into the new year, here we are 10 days later. But hey, we're here now, and the year is still young, so while I have all of you here, I want to go over my plans for this year, and my resolutions!

Firstly, self care has always been difficult for me, and I want to get better about that. I'm 30 and I've spent far too long considering self care as a secondary concern at the best of times, trying to focus on work that I either burn out on, or am slow to finish. When I was working out more regularly before Covid, and had dropped the 60 pounds, I used to write out these very elaborate day plans where I'd allow maybe 30 minutes leeway between each thing I wanted to get done. I'd actually managed to keep to these pretty closely, and honestly, I'd like to be that organized and productive again! Exercise and Order need to be things I prioritize, because when I focused more on my own self care, I feel I was happier and more efficient!

Secondly, when I first joined Fur Affinity and started taking commissions, I used to offer a promise that once I started a commission, I'd have it done in 7 days. Any picture I was working on, I'd have it done and uploaded in a week. I know I can't do that every day with a part time job, but I don't think there's any reason why I should allow my focus to warp so badly that I can't get at least one picture done a week! I WANT to share all the crazy and cool things I come up with, all the ideas, series, creature, and characters that permeate my brain, and to be frank, I'm not getting any younger. I don't want to live imagining my own greatness or the life I could have. It's this weird lingering mentality of "When I grow up...." that I need to get rid of. I have to pounce! Big dreams only can be achieved with big actions!

On the topic of Commissions, I am grateful to Remus, Colby, and Tesh for their commissions of me, which I'm working on right now! I hope to do/get more of them this year!

Thirdly, I honestly want to read more. To be honest, I want to DO more other than Go to work, draw, write, sleep, eat, then go to D&D on Thursday. I have instruments I have that I've only partly learned to play, I have books I want to read, videos for my youtube I want to make, and models I want to assemble! I also have to get an actual driver's license and on that note, I want to finish restoring my car! I had a revelation last year, and I want to see it done. I can't express how much I'm thankful for the kind words of my friends and the people I love, to know they hold me in such high regards for always being there for them, and helping with my words, but I also want to be known for getting things done as well.

I've published my book Infinity Quest in 2021, I want to hype it up some more and start getting the sequels done, and sharing things about it with everyone. I even want to launch a discord about it and all my other series and stories sometime this year. I want to get my car done and live up to my words and ideals about saving and restoring my car! I want to get in shape! I want to make movies and videos for Youtube that I've always dreamed about but never made happen!

All in all, I don't think that's too unrealistic!
Get back to dieting
Get back to keeping a schedule
Finish at least one art piece a week
Get more commissions
Organize my gallery
Start a my own Discord Server
Read more
Make more Youtube videos
Play and practice my instruments more
Fix my car
Get my License
Give my other hobbies some love
Take better care of myself
and generally just being more productive!

Let's see what we can make happen this year!
COMMISSIONS
Colby-Hedgey
Teshak-Kaldro
Remus the Werewolf

Consider Donating to my Ko.Fi: https://ko-fi.com/L3L42V04G

Find me on:
Deviant Art https://theapprentice225.deviantart.com/
Fur Affinity http://www.furaffinity.net/user/jyoocfroot/
Youtube https://www.youtube.com/user/TheApprentice225
Twitter https://twitter.com/LowBudgetFonzy
Picarto.tv https://picarto.tv/TheApprentice225
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.ph.....00075916636078

I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone, all of the friends I've made over the years, all the faces new & old who follow me. I'd individually let people know in discord how I appreciate them, but I wanted to say it here to everyone. Merry Christmas, and I love you all!

I am unhappy. If I'm being totally honest, I feel like I've been betrayed on a level that's hard to describe. DeviantArt used to be my motivation. DeviantArt was the reason I got excited to do art! As soon as a picture was finished, I was sure to upload it! I could spend all day uploading things, eagerly waiting to see the comment pour in! It's been a long time since DeviantArt's been like that, in fact, it's gotten to the point that uploading art at all has been soured for me. I've only recently started trying to pull myself out of this funk where uploading feels like a chore, and then I find out after my work shift ends that DeviantArt is outfitting the site with an art AI, one where you're automatically set to "Yes, use my art!", and you have to go through and tell it no for each picture (at least until they add in a better system for saying no, if they do.)

Now whether or not they add features to make it easier to opt out of this is besides the point. The fact that the initial choice was to sign you on to it, to decide that YEARS worth of pictures belonged to them to use as they saw fit, that a supposed component of the art community would ENCOURAGE a system whereby the future of artists is some dystopian existence where their passion, their art, and their style is trivialized down into cutlets to feed to an algorithm that'll regurgitate it ad infinitum upon command, savagely curtailing the ability of artists to survive off of, and acquire commissions!! How many people will we expect to choose to pay an artist when for free or a low monthly fee, you can just click a button and tell a machine to steal little bits and pieces of other people's passions!?

What's worse is the deceased among us. It's always kind of scared me in a way I can't find the right words to explain, that the things I leave behind, these sites, these galleries, could easily become some mausoleum for me, as they have for so many others. One day, the art, the replies, the comments, the faves, the rps, they all just stop and go silent, with only a gallery left behind for those who cared for them. They can't stand up for themselves, so unless they have family members watching their accounts, all their memories, all those pictures are defaulted to the grinder to be fed to the machine! Like I said, it doesn't matter if they give an easy option to opt out, the fact they default to consent is repulsive, especially for those who can't speak up for themselves.

When I was little, the excitement at being introduced to the idea that there was a community of supportive people doing what I was doing, supporting each other, potentially making their dreams come true with their art and hard work, meant something to me that I couldn't explain. DeviantArt is filled with so many memories, so many comments, so many moments, and nostalgia for me that I'll never not think about it in some way. But this is like being in am abusive relationship! I've lost all social elements to the site, pageviews that don't take 24 hours to load are behind paid membership, they ignored and ridiculed opposition to the vomit that is Eclipse, and now I've been made aware that if I'm not constantly vigilant, all that I am creatively, and all that I have been to get here, will be fed into an art generator, it's crossing a line. How much more of this can I be expected to take? I don't know how much longer I can keep my DeviantArt, or how much longer I'll want to at risk of losing what I've worked so hard to make. Please, if anyone isn't already, please, if you want to follow me on my creative journey, make sure you're following me elsewhere!
Fur Affinity http://www.furaffinity.net/user/jyoocfroot/
Youtube https://www.youtube.com/user/TheApprentice225
Twitter https://twitter.com/LowBudgetFonzy
Picarto.tv https://picarto.tv/TheApprentice225
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.ph.....00075916636078


Damn you, DeviantArt. Damn you to Hell! Damn you for taking 14 years of my life! Damn you for betraying all artists who managed to find their dreams in making a living off of art commissions of you! Damn you for pretending that silence is consent! And DAMN YOU for what you've become!

To all my beloved friends, watchers, followers, random people finding this journal, whatever: I hope you had a good Forth of July. I care for you all very deeply, every life, every struggle, and every joy! Stay amazing, and don't let anyone convince you that you're not!

Hey all, To all my friends keeping up with everything, it's been ups & downs for me. I'm thankful for my friends, for a fun night at DnD tonight, but dad's cancer is looking grim. It's a rare kind of lymphoma that only about 1000 people in the US have. It's rough looking, they're talking about offering him experimental treatment options and all this other stuff. He's not dead yet, and he's not a lost cause, but it's looking like a long road and an ugly battle for him. Then, on top of that, I learn my one dog has a bad infection in her mouth, and my folks are strapped for cash. I don't have much at all, but I have to take care of it so she doesn't die or suffer. I have to try to help with what I have. I don't have a lot of extra money, or money at all. I had some bad hits and family emergencies that I had to deal with in the last three or so months of last year, and I've just never had a chance to bounce back. This is just one more low blow that life is throwing at me and my bank account.

There just always seems to be another blow coming in life, waiting to try to finish you off. I'm adrift in hostile shores with mayhem at all sides, and the only way through is to fight my way out. IDK if I can manage it all, but I'm going to give it my best shot! That's all I've ever been able to do, just keep swinging and hope for a break and hope that I'm more stubborn than life is. I don't want to end up homeless, I don't want to end up dead broke, subject to the whims of people around me that'll cut me down before I ever really get to stand. I just have to keep going and hope that I'll breach the maelstrom.

Thank you to all my friends that make my life worth living, the joy I share with you, and the conversations we share! We'll see if I get out of this scrape yet! If possible, I would greatly appreciate it if you could donate anything to my Kofi
https://ko-fi.com/L3L42V04G

Do forgive me, that last journal has hung around like a bad penny, so to lighten the air, I think I'd like to give a small update. After awhile of sitting and waiting around for bureaucracy, we finally have a date for this Monday for another doctor visit, then one after that, and at some point, hopefully in the near future, He's lost about 30 pounds, it fluctuates a little more than that daily, and I've noticed he's started drinking more, but with the pain he's in, with the fear I'm sure he's hiding, that's always how he's dealt with those emotions. I'm worried still, I don't know if I'm hopeful, scared, or what I am, but I'm still trying to make plans as best as I can in case this all goes belly up and I find myself looking down the barrel of being homeless. We'll see how this all goes. Thank you to everybody for your support the last time around, I really do appreciate the well-wishes. I'm sorry I'm not more upfront with my feelings a lot of the time, that I try to swallow everything down, that I try to shut down what I'm feeling to the point that I don't even know what it is I'm feeling, it's just hard. I know a lot of people have a lot of their own problems, especially with what's going on in the world now, so believe me, I don't want to ever come across as looking for attention or whining or anything like that, I just want all of you to know what's going on with me, to share myself with all of you as you share your friendship with me.

I know it's popular for Youtubers and big content creators to thank everyone and tell their people that they love them, but I really do love and cherish all of you! So many of you are so very talented, so special, so lovely, and suffering so much. You don't deserve it, and no matter what your insecurities say, no matter what people tell you, you're stronger than what you think. You've made it this far in life, and all of that stuff hasn't stopped you yet. Writer's block, art block, sadness, fear, loneliness, it happens to the best of us, sometimes more than others! Some of us deal with abuse, others with depression, and God knows what else, but whatever it is, you have the tools deep down to beat it. Don't let anyone ever try to make you feel helpless or less special! I've heard stupid things like "If everyone's special, then no one is." & "Well big picture, none of us really matter at all.", well it takes tiny hands to hold the brush to paint that big picture, everyone matters, a whole hell of a lot. Don't pay people like that any mind. People who are half versed in penny philosophies are going to spend the rest of their lives trying to make cents, if you catch my drift. I'll keep everyone updated on how I'm doing, and to everyone else who needs to hear it, I'm rooting for you too! At the end of whatever we're all dealing with, let's let everyone whose important to us know we're all okay, alright?

If I could, I'd take all of you out for coffee and some conversation about it all.

I apologize in advance, this is going to get real personal, really quick. I always say how I want to try to be more open with people, and how thanks to one of my best friends, I've learned that my "I think I need to be alone" mentality NEVER helps, it actually has always done more harm than good, but it's strange that it's still something I feel myself wanting to default to. About a week ago, I learned that the persisting pains my dad was having and the sudden weight loss was exactly what I thought it was. It was cancer.

With my close friends, they know I bear my dad some hard feelings and ill will for they way he's been for most of my life. He's an alcoholic, he's petty and fickle, he has a bad temper, and is extremely childish. He resorts to wrath and bad tempers when you point out his flaws or an err in his thinking if it's something he's latched on to. If you fight with him in an argument, he'll hold a grudge for about three days before deciding that he needs something from you, and then you're just expected to forget about everything, no apology, no nothing. He's stolen money from me often to fuel his addiction, ever since I was little, and I've held a grudge towards him my entire life, to some capacity or another.

I always learned to be wary of him with money, to keep his advice at a distance, and just not expect him to engage much in what I was doing. His humor usually involves the misfortune of others, and he also taught me how to ride a bike. He got me my favorite toy when I was little: a little electric truck called Big Jake. He took photos of Gij and me all the time when we were little, he promised we'd see the Grand Canyon some day, we never did, but we did used to go to Maryland all the time. He used to buy me toys when we could afford, took the blades out of old razors and covered their heads in tape so I could pretend to shave with him, and fought with my mother almost constantly. It was a life with two men that seemed always to trade places with one another. He soured more and more as he got older, and that balance of "He's only a monster when he's drinking" gave way to the constant thought of "You're really a dick." I had a friend sum it up today, talking in Taco Bell, that there's a good person in him, he's just really small. And you know, I sort of agree with that. Dad always did want to be liked, but the negatives always got in the way. The temper, the pettiness, the drinking, always prevented him from being the man that I could see he wanted to be.

I don't think he's going to make it. I hope I'm wrong, but I think this is it. I think this is where we part ways. I'll never forget the happy memories I have as a kid while he tried to fix the 36 Business Coup I named Cindy, camping in a little tent waiting to go to Knoebel's Amusement Park, building the barn in the backyard, Nic-Nic Bear, or the hole he punched in a wall when he was hung over, or how he yelled constantly when he was mad, or when he got drunk and tried to strangle mom with a phone cord. I'll never forget how much he loves his sister, how occasionally he did try to be involved with the things Gij and I did, or how when I was really small, I used to help mom carry him out into the kitchen so he wouldn't make a mess on the carpet when he was fall down drunk. How I'd sometimes worry for my safety, think of ways to fight him if it ever came to it, or things crossed that line, but they never did. He's not been a good father and I don't know if this is Stockholm or just me being a softy until the bitter end, hoping that the better nature of man will win out, but I wonder why then why is my heart breaking?

I've mattered less to him than a can of beer for years. And I know he'd tell me that isn't true, that of course he loves Gij and I, but the actions were always louder than words. I always hoped in my innocence that there'd be a day, after a bad fight with mom, after he choked her that one time with the phone cord, after that one time he nearly crushed Gij's head, after he was arrested for driving drunk, that the little man inside of him, the good man he was briefly, would shine through. I always waited for that moment where it was too much and he'd say "My God, what have I done!?" and we'd overcome his drinking together. But whenever he went too far, whenever he hurt feelings, whenever it crossed the line and he knew he'd fucked up, we'd go out to dinner, we'd be quietly and somberly told "You know, I love you all very much." and occasionally a sorry, and then that was it. We'd go back to life as normal, you never mention it again, or he'd get mad, and those God awful cans would come back into the house.

I keep going back and forth between feeling nothing at all, to feeling tears ready to slip from my eyes. I don't know whether I'm being cruel for not being optimistic, or if I'm just protecting myself from what seems unavoidable. He's lost 20 pounds in a week, he becomes so tired and weak easily, and the Bureaucracy to get treatment underway has been slow. The first doctor he saw originally told him, when he asked about the lump "Well, if it's not bothering you, don't worry about it!" Mom's put all her worst traits on display as she sees what looks like the end, talking about moving back to Pennsylvania, uprooting everyone again after he passes. She hates change, she always tries to make things how she's used to them, even if it's at her own detriment. She never left dad, even as she was abused and let her two kids get abused, because she didn't like the uncertainty of being alone. She's looking to go back to a life that doesn't exist any more, to retreat into something comfortable and familiar at the expense of everyone around her. My best job I've ever had, the thing helping me take steps to having my own life, are here in Florida. This is my home.

Why am I feeling so utterly broken from the man I've spent many nights despising? Why do I feel so completely hopeless when I always uplift my friends and try to support them through even the hardest times? Why does my heart hurt so much for someone who routinely showed me that I mattered less than a 6 Pack? Why do I want to scream and demand God tell me why I only get to know a broken heart. I know I'm not the best person all the time, but I've tried really really hard! I swear I've tried to be good! I really, REALLY have! Why does everything I try to fix break, why could I get my own father to put down the smokes and the beer long enough to show him he didn't need them to cope with all the bad things in life? Why does everything I love get pulled out of my heart, and I have to stand on the outside looking in? Please, God please someone tell me! PLEASE!! Why do I have to be on the outside looking in when it comes to love?

Dad, I love you. Dad, I hate you. I was too much of a coward perhaps to tell you all the things I've wanted to. I was selfish deciding I didn't want a fight, and I'd just say nothing and go about your night. I failed as a son, and I too drank from the cup of complicity as you killed yourself. It all just hurts so much, because I know that my struggle doesn't end here when I'm left with the same old hurt, and the pieces left behind from his passing, knowing that no matter how much I wish the little man won in the end, that the book of Rick ends with "And then the Alcoholic, never learning from his mistakes, never fixing them, died a slow agonizing death, leaving only a sadden family, and the shattered hopes that one day, one day he'd find the strength to be that person he still tried to be."

I don't know how I'm going to survive if Mom decides that there's no talking her out of running back up to a state where she has no job and only memories of how things were, but I know I'll figure something out. I've been fighting this long. I just need some time to sort myself out and see whether I need to cry, to scream, or just to turn off entirely for a little.

I'm curious, out of all my watchers here, how many of you would be open to getting into a new sci fi book for the Holidays? I know books aren't everyone's cup of tea, and take a certain investment of time, but I'm curious how many readers there are here among you.

To all my friends, my family, and everyone else here who stumbles across this, Happy Thanksgiving! You all mean the world to me!

I barely ever do journals or anything because I can never think of a lot to say outside of when I have new uploads. Honestly I don't know what people would be interesting to see, but to everyone following me, thank you, and I hope if nothing else I give you a smile. A lot going on here recently.

There was a big scare recently with my Aunt that's been plaguing my mind recently. She had a heart attack. More than that. it damaged her heart so badly that the triple bypass she was going to have couldn't be preformed. I overheard today that she was being sent home, effectively left to her own fate. She and my Uncle both have Do Not Resuscitate orders. I hope she can hang on until her heart heals and they decide to give it a shot so she can have a long life with Uncle Ed. He loves her dearly, and I worry about him if she passes. Dad's also taken that hard, because for as much as she tormented him when he was younger, she's also looked out for him through their HEAVILY physically abusive upbringing at the hands of their stepfather. He's sadly taking this news the only way he knows how: being silent and finding the bottom of a bottle.

Unlike my coworker who died from COVID, I at least have the comfort of knowing the last time I saw her was the nicest I could make it. Before my Aunt and Uncle moved out of state, I bought and prepared a going away luncheon for them, dressed the table with flowers, broke out my nice china, and just tried to let them know I cared. I remember how much Eddy liked my Victorian Recipe Pudding and Currant jam. Aunt Bonnie is a huge Lobster fan, so I made sure we had some. My Co-Worker bumped into me while I was on the clock, so aside from some pleasantries, I didn't get much time to say or do anything meaningful.

I really wonder how this is going to effect us all, being surrounded by death, politics, and vitriol so constantly. And I'm not pointing at any one side either. Take it from someone working in retail, there have been some people who have been absolutely abominable over these last two years. People trampling people for bottled water & Toilet Paper, it's just as bad as the monsters that come out on Black Friday.

There's a lot on my mind, so sorry if this just sort of rambles on in parts. I dunno...

I didn't quite nail the voice I was going for entirely, but by the last one, I think I'm pretty close! If any of you enjoy my character Ritmoure, here's your chance to kind of hear how I imagine his voice! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRsUGlfQxA4

Okay, no stream tonight because the Hurricane gnawed my connection down to nothing, BUT, Stay tuned, we will try!

My net is a tad shaky with the Hurricane, but why don't we try a stream? https://picarto.tv/TheApprentice225 #IndieGameDev