Lately, I've been having this weird thing where it feels like my throat is being compressed, just for a quick second.

It wasn't that bad at first, but, today it's gotten really bad. And sometimes now it makes me want to gag really badly that I throw up. >: My throat also hurts and feels all tight.

If it gets anymore worse then this, I am going to go to the Emergency Room at the hospital. D: I hope it doesn't get that bad for my Doctors appointment.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and, well, I've never really looked on the bright side of stuff for many things. I tend to sound like that little kid in the back of the class who is always shy, and when you get to know him, only find out that he hates himself and the world.

Well, although this might change, considering my mood.. I think I'll try again at this whole art thing.

I'm slightly worried that perhaps, one of my real life friends will find me on here, however, there is nothing I can do about that now, can I? So what, they find out I like drawing anthropomorphic animals, it's just who I am, and I shouldn't care about that.

They'll just find something new about me--And if they hate me because of that, then, well, they can go screw themselves for not being a real friend.

Although, I feel I haven't been a real friend to some of the people I know online, not talking to them often, and, well, I'm sorry. There just has been a lot going through my head, and life, ever since I got kicked out of my Mother's house a couple months back.

But, now, is time for me to go 'I will try again tomorrow' at being true to myself, and others.

Long story short: I got kicked out of my Mom's house for being gay, pretty much.

I've been living at my Grandparents house for the past month or so.. Everything has been chaotic, but hopefully I will get back to normal arting soonish enough.

I generally do draw a lot, but a lot of it looks the same. So I don't submit it. The rest of it looks like crap, so I don't submit it. I'm weird that way. D:

Anyways, see yah around.. For the few people who read this.

I've finally decided to really start drawing again, and this time, I'm not caring if I suck.

Yes, not caring. I'm just going to draw and post, draw and post. Whatever comes to mind, crappy scribbles to fully coloured pictures, I'm just going to practice and practice.

Let's just hope this goes well.

The world of artists is a terrible place.

A place where good artists are treating as gods, poor artists are analy raped for not having experience, and anyone who doesn't draw is just ignored in general.

Memes are the rage, insulting others is considered a normal passtime, and helping people is totally unheard of. A dog eat dog world you could say.

People just don't suddenly get good at something. It takes years of practice, obviously. But nobody gives that one small artist a chance. You just see them sitting there, and the poor artist clings to the smallest thing they can. Most simply slip off and give up, life growing more important. Impatient is more like it.

If people would just give other artists a chance, they would improve. It's always nice to look at a person improving infront of your eyes. But, everyone either ignores them and acts too harsh, just because they can't suddenly be good.

I mean, them alone posting something takes a lot of courage. Seriously, a lot of artists have self-esteem issues. And when a person suddenly crashing their whole world in them, it ruins them.

Now I'm not saying protect them from everything. And some people may just not 'get it' but, acting like a total jerk on something someone worked on just.. isn't right.

Heck if all if anyone will read this journal, but, it's just a ramble about what's on my mind.

I was being an emo weirdo.


EMMOO WEEIRRDDOOO

In other news, my hair is now electric blue. :3

Okay, so here I am on the computer browsing about. I do that a lot, just going around the internet and doing stuff when I'm bored because everyone in my town acts like the world hates them, or they're 40 years old and cheat on several girlfriends at a time.

So, I spend a lot of time on the computer.

My Step-Dad apparently phoned. He tells my Sister, which, she is true blood with him about us going out on the Weekend to take a 5 hour car drive because she is going to a fucking wedding shower thing with the Bride, and, guess what?

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GOING ALONG TOO.

So, now I get to stay in this dead end town with /nothing/ to do except sit there and be bored while my Sister gets to go out and do shit. Well, this isn't exactly what pisses me off. What pisses me off the most?

I WASN'T FUCKING TOLD A THING UNTIL THE DAY BEFORE WE LEAVE.

Apparently, I must be some stupid mind reader or someone who fucking loves sitting around the entire house doing nothing but pet a 14 year old golden retriever while it pukes up all the crap that's it's eaten that day because my Grandparents spoil the damn thing.

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME TO DO.

Ontop of that, I'M ALLERGIC TO DOGS. WOW, GREAT GOING WONDERFUL STEP-FATHER WHO I USED TO CONSIDER AS MY REAL FATHER UNTIL YOU DECIDED TO CHEAT ON MY MOTHER, AND THEN TELLING ME WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD THAT MY REAL FATHER WENT TO JAIL WITHOUT ASKING MY MOTHER FIRST.

Thanks for slapping me around like some doll, while my Sister got every damn thing without even lifting a finger. Thanks for coming by, telling /only/ my sister this, and then expect that I'll be all happy and willing to go, WHEN I WASN'T EVEN ASKED.

And now, my Mom, was yelling at me over 'How she never gets time alone' and whatever shit. Well, GUESS WHAT. I CLEAN THE ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE EVERY OTHER DAY. I'VE FOUND THE CONDOMS AND STUPID WARMING LOTION SHIT WHEREVER. Fucking whore. Just as bad as both my Step-Father and Real Dad. Hell, my real dad probably just got fed up like how I AM WITH DEALING WITH ALL THE SHIT YOU WERE TOO LAZY TO DO.

No, I'm not going to say I'm committing suicide or I'm depressed or some shit. I'm going to do what I always do, deal with it until my fucking medication works, that I have to take because both 'parental' figures decided to rape me up the ass with a hotwheels toy car track and past life that I don't remember because I was three months old.

Once my medication works, I'm getting a job, and I'm going to move out. I don't care if I have to share a fucking room with some stranger who likes to make out with pictures of old people, I'm going to move out and screw it. It's not like I'd be any less healthy, considering you decided to waste the money on a new computer yourself, pepsi and other crap, while I had to go ahead and live on Ramen Soup for a good month.

Or, this could be just the medication starting to talk, and I need to contact my Doctor and ask him about the stupid fucking mood swings. Either way, FUCK IT.

I need to draw a little more often.

It's just that, blargh, I'm not all that good. so everything ends up looking the same. I know I should practice; that's the only way I'll ever get any better at it.

I need to go on OC more or something. DX I dunno. I need to practice poses and how clothing would hang off of someone.

If anyone had any ideas as to how I can improve, I'd muchly appreciate it. Because, right now, I'm in a really crappy rut.

D8

I SHALL TRY AND DRAW STUFF LATER.

Seriously, though. I've been busy with Roleplaying and such on a couple MU*'s I go to.

My head hurts, and the cold hasn't gone away yet. But, the good news, I got refills for my Anti-biotics. I know, I know. 'Zohmygod Antibiotics are baaaad' but, at the moment I seriously need them.

Sometime, I forget when, I'll be phoned and I'll be going to visit my Shrink for the first like like, evar.

I guess the ones with Mental problems always end up in the fandom, eh?

I have a fever, I'm coughing, I have this really weird headache that feels like it's moving around... I hope it isn't some weird Headcold/sore throat type thing. Then again, I have been taking Antibiotics so my luck I got some really strong something or other.

In other news. 8U I've been doodling more often now. Hopefully, I'll be able to get over my very awkward shyness with talking and going up to people and talking.

I should probably post on other people's pages more often. I'd probably talk to a few more people that way. It's just that, DX, Shyness.

Now, I am going to make some tea... Yay tea!

I should probably go around and comment on other peoples stuffs. 8U

Or something. Whee.

That is all. D:

(PS: I suck.)

:D:

BIPOLAR.

I'm in one of those bleh moods. I'd rather not go into detail because, well, that can be considered EMMOO.

And the last thing I want to be is internet emo.

Anyways. I've always never really tried to draw. Dunno why. I mean, sometimes I can get awesome sketches out that if I'd just /finish/ without rushing or anything... It would be awesome.

But I have a bad habbit of getting pissed off at myself, tearing up whatever I'm working on, (or deleteing) and giving up and being pissed off at myself for about an hour.

It sucks. Very much.

SENSORS DETECT A NOOB.

FIRE AT WILL, MR.SULU. ARUGH*Shooting noises, foxes start flying out of the sun* THEY ARE USING FURRIES, ARRUGGH.

...

Gawd dammit, I hate medication so much. I'm so screwed up in the head right now because of them it's not even funny.

An update. I have a few other pictures, so shush. I'll post them sometime later if I don't think they're stupid crapness.

Wait, they're all stupid crappyness.

Whee.

Slowly, I'm forcing myself to doodle and draw more junk.

Slloowwly. But, I'm getting there. Hopefully if I ever meet a few more people or something, they'll be all like RAWRAWR KAAZZ PRACTICE OR WE'LL EAT YOUR EYEBALLS. And I'll be all like 'Osnap ohkays!'

...

Yeah.

In other news, my dreams are screwed up, Sister is randomly fainting and sliced her hand with a can opener, had to go to the hospital and such. The inside of a hand however looks rather interesting. It has all of this greyish muscle fat stuff that was poking out of the cut along with all of the blood.

Wheee.

Trying to post stuff again, 'CAUSE I CAN.

>_> <_<

Not that anyone comes to my page anyways.

Okay, for the past two weeks I've had this horrible cold. It won't go away, and I'm easy to set off. Like, the smallest thing will make me scream in your face and stomp away... Unless you were a good friend to me or whatever crap.

So, I was told this by my Sister and my Mom. Okay, just a small note. Both of them are no better, and they scream and yell all the time. No, they didn't have colds, no they wern't going though PMS or whatever. It's just how they act. But, they asked me to try and calm down a little.

So I think for awhile, and decide. "Okay, I'll make breakfast, and try to be nice today and all that." So, I make Oatmeal. Guess what the first stupid blabber that came out of my sisters mouth? Like, in this high pitched whiny "Oh look at me, I'm so helpless so let me have what I want" voice?

It was, "Ew. But I waaaannntteeed tttoooaassstt..." and I'm like, okay, shit. Sister wanted toast. Well, I tell her I was trying to be nice, and that we were almost out of bread until I could go out and buy some today. Because she needed it for her lunch. You know what she does, "You are supposed to ask what people wanted, and then make it you idiot." In this snobbish voice now. So, I'm standing there about to freak out and all that... But must be nice, gotta be calm. So I told her that I wasn't able to pick up some until I was finished my classes today.

She stomps off into her room, screaming, "You should just quit school! I hope that damned oatmeal goes cold!" and, well, I couldn't take it anymore. So I burst into her room, screaming, "I try to be fucking nice /once/ and you just go ahead and bitch me out for it, like I caused even worse problems. People would fucking love Oatmeal for breakfast, but no, you had to be all whiny and shit. I need my fucking Education too, so you can just shut the hell up or get a job youself and go and buy some fucking bread." and I storm out.

I notice in the kitchen that the Oatmeal I made was still there, but I leave it, and just grab a coffee and go into my room. Blah blah blah, go on the computer.

10 minutes later, she comes back with a slightly pissed off, but sorry voice. "Thank-you for breakfast..." and then walks off again.

For the love of...

I JUST JOINED FA BECAUSE DEVIANTART IS BEING MEAN AND WON'T LOAD FOR ME ANYMORE.

I'M TALKING IN ALL CAPS. *Shoe'd* x.=.X

Okay, seriously... I'm done. D: