Have been feeling crazy lately.

Doing things for me for once.
Kind of started last spring with getting my motorcycle and license.. Slowly gaining friends finally since moving.

Then I decided to say screw it a few months back and booked time off / hotel for Fur-Eh, a small and new (2nd year?) con in Edmonton.

Day 1: Bought a partial that I had seen a local fursuit maker was selling and I thought was adorable... Couldn't -not- buy it after trying on the head and it was a perfect fit.. ok maybe it took looking in the mirror and falling in love with it.
Got complimented and told to just relax by a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Guess it was obvious that I was tense
Had a pretty deep heart to heart talk with a good friend, A lot that needed to get said.

Day 2: Crazy fun day, was pretty beat out from suiting. Ended up drinking probably a bit too much. But had the most fun in years and had so many people say "Why don't we hang out more? Where are you all the time?"
Apparently danced. Probably looked like an idiot because I can't dance.
Found out my fursuit head's tongue smells like strawberries (its removable) -- It's now famous. Everyone knows my tongue smells like strawberries. There are pictures of it getting around. Everyone kept stealing it.

Day 3: well not much happened, woke up about 30 min before check out time for the hotel. Was a mad rush to get packed and leave. Apparently the dead dog party was well.. dead anyway.


---

I think I'll be doing more cons, it was a lot of fun, but it will be a while because I just committed to buying a German Sheppard puppy. 11 weeks old. Making the final arrangements today and probably picking him up friday.
A lot of time will be going into raising and training him. Once he's bigger I'll be getting a car and could drive to some cons, but may have to find someone to look after him (dunno, roomies may help out too if they're nice enough.) if I go to cons that I have to fly to (he's going to be huge, probably better not to fly him too).



So, a lot of changes in my life. I've kinda just taken a dive into the deep end, and so far I love it. I'm hyper all the time lately, even without caffeine. Normally 3 energy drinks wouldn't make me feel like I feel every day lately. I love the free feeling. I don't want it to go away. A few things on my mind but they aren't weighing me down like they used to.
Shall see where this takes me. It's like I'm riding on a summer breeze.

Do you ever have one of those days.. where, you never expect anything to go as well as it does?

Where everything leading up to the day stresses you out, but then, the day happens, and.. It just happens? And you can actually look back at the day and be satisfied of how you handled something that seemed so stressful.

Today was one of those days. Where things just.. went right.

It doesn't happen often. Although it does seem to prove to me that there is some balance in things.

It's been happening a lot lately. Seems to have started with my decisions earlier this summer.
He seems to influence me a lot. My mood in particular. Having someone by your side, that you can truly know will stay there, makes you want to be everything you can. Gives you purpose.

I can say that, without having that feeling, I wouldn't have had the confidence to face the changes that have been presented to me.

I have to thank at least one close friend for pushing me in the right direction. Hell, right to the front line. If he hadn't I wouldn't have realized I had what it takes to stand there, and step forward.

New opportunity awaits. Within a few days I shall know the bulk of what is to come.

Here's to more days like today.



more detail will come once I know more about the end result of today's adventure

So I'm back in canadaland. Kinda wish i wasnt.

Being with Him was just.. perfect. Nomatter what happened i was always able to smile and cuddle up to him and just be happy.

I Miss him, a lot. it hurts. But i know i'll be with him again soon, and i know we'll be together someday (hopefully sooner than later) and not have to travel all the time.

Home just isnt home anymore. its just a house. where i stay. Grows colder to me each day. Work too. I like the people i work with it just doesn't seem to fit me anymore. I need to move on.

I need to work towards where im more financially stable so i can not have to worry if i'll be able to do the next visit with him when it was planned and such.
I also need to be stimulated more in my job.. this week has been hell and i could do with LESS right now but i know once im able to relax a little more i'll be able to think again. I thrive in technical work but this job doesnt give me that anymore. its become a pain to do things, plus im done with being front line customer service. Even in management, you'd think that would get you away from it, but then you just deal with a higher concentration of IDIOT in one customer instead of spread across many.

I just, i wish my vacation didnt have to end. Being with Ian made me feel at peace inside. something like ive never EVER felt before. Ive felt happy, ive felt fufilled, but this was something more. i cant put it to words.. it was amazing to just be in his company. I want that feeling again, i never want to let go of it. I never want to let go of him.. He's just so amazing.
I could barely let go of him to get in line for airport security to fly back. Even in the line i wanted to run to him. once past all the security stations i looked back, but i couldnt see him anymore. i was already too far.
It hurts just thinking about it.

I made other friends too. His friends are really nice. Rudy and Brian were really sweet guys. spent a lot of time talking to Rudy, and most of the time the conversations only stopped because other things needed to be done or it was time to go different ways. Same with Brian, though he seemed much busier, always having to do something work related.
I'd love to go back if even to just talk to and hang out with those guys. That is, if i could stop clinging to Ian. >_>



I just.. I dont like what i have here anymore. I'm ready to move forward, to work towards better things. I want to be everything i can for him. for us.
and Edmonton doesnt seem to have that for me.

My plans for Calgary are still January. though depending on interesting opportunities i might get there sooner.
I did find out a friend of mine that lives here in Edmonton also is going to Calgary now, In October. His job moved there, so at least that will be one more familiar face there.
Its just sad that Ian wont be there with me, not all the time anyway :( at least he'll visit.

Guess thats enough venting for one night. I've had a lot on my mind and theres a lot more left. though i dont know what else i could actually let out.

I am happy i have him. Knowing that, makes me feel better than i have in a long time. not as good as being by his side, but pretty damn good.

Lots of weird dreams lately. But I usually don't remember them..

Something in the music I was listening to before heading off to the corporate office kicked my memory in from last night..

Weird spots in the dream are all i can see now but i know i had control. it was weird.

Biggest thing from it was i was with my bf, which made me happy.
Havent seen the guy in over 8 months.. and i leave in 13 days to go see him again for a while.
I miss his smile so much. Just knowing he's there , beside me, and happy.

13 days isnt soon enough. I'm both terrified to cross the border and go to a country I've never been, on a vacation like ive never taken. And ecstatic to see him again. I know when i see him again i'll have the biggest smile on my face, and i hope he does too...

Find myself in that state again where I wander aimlessly

A lot has happened... too much to fit in a journal.
In a previous one i mentioned how I found a glimpse of happiness last year.. but that didn't last.
The very same person that gave me that happiness moved on from my life... And not in a good way. I guess I'm not the only person that that's happened to. I'm sure it probably happens to everyone at some point.

Its just such a shock. considering things were going so well.. oh well i guess i was naive.
This was all months back. I just haven't bothered to post anything new anywhere because I haven't felt like it.

Work is nice now, still a little stressful but not too bad.

Decided to move to Calgary, that's all set up for January, got my place straightened away, Going to transfer with work, and the new landlord/roomie I already know and is pretty cool and shares some of the same ideals as me. I think it's going to be one of the best things I've done for myself in a while.

The time I've had to myself made me realize some of my mistakes. And one of those was leaving someone behind a while back. They mean so much to me that it's horrible that I left things the way they were, just kinda dropped the ball. They've been kind enough to open their arms to me again and trust me. I'm still recovering from things in the past that leave me a little skiddish but I'm trying to not let that affect me now.

He means so much to me and I've known him so long.
I have a plane ticket to fly down to see him in 2 weeks.. I'm INSANELY excited for this. I finally get a real vacation and a chance to be with him on his own turf. Can't wait to see his smile again <3

Things are going better for me.. I look back and things like this never worked out in the past. Because I never had my own means to make anything happen. I always relied heavily on others, and they fell through. When I do things for myself, like my trip to Calgary, The trip to the mountains I planned on a whim with my friends, the plane ticket I just up and bought myself to go to New Orleans.. Doing things for myself they actually happen and I end up having a lot of fun.

Also had a dream about my best friend last night. He went off to basic training back in july, and I used to talk to him every day. I miss him a lot. I can't wait for him to get back.

I Still find myself stressing a lot though and I need to find a way to stop that. Dwelling on the past and what happened. I need to let go of what my life used to be to see what my life is now.

So yea, last journal I was so excited about jasper.. which got canceled.. it didnt bother me though cause i still had a good weekend hanging out with people around the city. I know I'll get another chance soon

Hope my other travel plans follow through.. really itching to get out of this city for a while again

Still surviving. Work gets easier then harder and then repeats.. people leaving and coming and training and paperwork and gah. wish it would stay the same for a while.

Kind of dont have much else to say, have my head in the clouds trying to keep things going smoothly by not looking at things too hard. just filling the time with this journal since its been a while.

So

JASPER!

I cant wait.. last year I got temporarily blinded the day before I was supposed to go.

And I've never seen the mountains before so this will be epic.

I may die trying to snowboard though.

Things have been going super awesome with work and life, I really hope I can keep things going the way they are cause I'm really quite content right now

That's about it. I just really like the path I'm on and I want to see where it leads. I used to be so impatient but now I'm actually enjoying the journey as well as the potential end.

Why is it that patience is so odd.
While I can be the most patient person you could ever meet... When it comes to myself and my life, I have no patience at all.

I've been learning to just sit back, and not force things. Give them that gently nudge you have to to get them going. But not force things because then you lose those opportunities

I only hope that thats right anyway. I know what I want, but I dont know if i'll get it in this life.
This is just me trying to be more human, to be real. Everyone has to be a little selfish and a little selfless.. And I hope i've found the right balance


I've been doing a lot better with things lately. Though some still gets to me. I'm still becoming more jaded to certain things, to some aspects of my life.
A lot of it now is just autopilot so to speak. I know what to do so i just do it, without thought. When i try to think i tend to draw a blank now, my mind has given up on overthinking things.. and sometimes thinking in general.


So, I just hope those little nudges get things going the way i'd like.

Kinda settling to myself again.

Been a rough little while, really coming to terms with being that whole digit older, and being alone.

I know what i'm looking for
I know what i'm chasing
I dont know how long i'll chase it for
I just know what i'm after now.

Kinda wanted to post something so everyone that actually reads this knows im still here, and not gone braindead or anything. not completely anyway.
I did forget until about 7pm (awake since 7am) that i hadn't eaten all day. Then i went to eat, got a text, and forgot what i was doing until my stomach yelled at me again. all in a 20 second timespan.

It's kind of nice to be able to come to terms with yourself when you get so caught up in emotions so often. thinking you're doing so badly to reach your goals. But then to have things actually come back and tell you you're not doing badly like you thought.

Trying to figure out some ways to relax. I still dont understand relaxation, its just like sleep. i cant do it. it just happens.
Trying to cut loose so i can show the people i want to see me for myself, that i can be myself. Kinda sucks that its so freaking cold here in the winter. i cant be bothered to walk places without a purpose really.

I just want to be free. free of my emotional burdons, free of my life burdons. like i was this summer. i want to be happy again.

I'm at least growing content. which is a step in the right direction.

Well, it's my birthday.

And i can say that i had happiness, at least once during the year.

As we get older we realize what we learn

we realize who we are, and what we want.

My head always hurts lately cause i feel like i let that get away when i had the chance at it.

I dont know what this year will bring me but i sure as hell hope it goes better than the last 4 months. its been brutal being alone and plus ive been promoted to manager, adjusting to that and getting to the point of doing it right. I've moved.. the new place is still rather cold/sterile as i havent customized my space at all.

Right now i just sort of .. exist.
I want to change that. but theres something missing from my life. I need to find that before i can be comfortable again.

Welp. I feel old.

Have to vent about work a bit.

K, so being a manager is nice and all. its responsibility, its actual work. i no longer have time to play video games between customers like i always used to...

But its time i be the mean manager. Cause when i give you cake, and you complain that its not big enough, or its the wrong shape, I'm not happy. I gave you cake and you dont care.

Work your god damn schedule, if you dont like a pretty christmas schedule that has extra time off with no paycut, then your gonna get a regular schedule with no extra time off. You complain once, fine, complain when i fit your NORMAL schedule, you can fuck right off. Those are the only choices im going to give you, that or my foot up your ass as im booting you out the door.

Then if your gonna just "be sick" and not have a doctors note, you cant complain your up for review. Dont bitch at me cause you cant prove to me you cant work, and arent just lying to get an extra day off every week for the past 3. Oh yea, by the way, GUESS WHOS BEEN WORKING YOUR SHIFT EVERY TIME.

Sigh.
Obviously i cant say this kind of stuff at work. So i had to get it out. Cause on top of all this I have someone watching over my shoulder asking me whats going on and trying to change everything i do.

I dont so much mind it, but between employees, my boss, and the fact that they jibbed me on my big bonus and gave me a tiny bonus and said "YAAY" like it was still as good, and "forgot" to pay me something since october, and keep saying "next time".. Its really bugging me

Perhaps i need to go find a position somewhere else. to get the same BS, but for pay that makes it worthwhile. My base pay now is what i was hired at cause they dropped pay for everyone 6 mths after i was hired.

I dont know what my head is doing anymore.
I try to think about what i want, and how things are.. it just hurts. seems im only clear minded when i have no thoughts at all..

I know what i feel, i know what i want. but it seems that things beyond my control say no.. that i cant do or have those things.. but without saying no. I'm left to wonder, which hurts my head more. i just want to know how it ends. my thoughts, my visions of what are and what could be, they all lie to me.

I cant find the truth, not even in my own imagination.
I feel so isolated and left alone.
What do i do?
I dont know how to just let things happen without my head hurting. i feel like im supposed to be doing something, i just dont know what.

I see now

Im always afraid of sitting still
because i fear the past
and the past catches up to me when i sit still

I'm always so afraid of fucking up, that i fuck up in ways i dont even realize..
and then i dwell on that, and overanalyze and try to fix it,, still stuck on the past

I see now.
I see my fear. i see how to learn from the past not fear it. I'm here to learn not to cower in fear and make mistakes,
I'm here to make mistakes and learn from them, to become a better person

I'm done fearing this miniscule crap
I'm done hiding from things.
Its time to live and take whats mine in this life. to experience what it has to offer me.




Its crazy how things work. I've been pretty down recently, and made some mistakes, that only made me worse. It took that for me to realize this, to realize myself and snap out of it..

Whats weird is i feel ive done this before.. this time I will not let myself go back to being afraid of being myself. This time, i'm in it for good.
Its time I come out of my shell for real.

So, i know i havent updated in a long time. i have been here, just not posting.

A lot has changed. enough said about that.

sorry for the bad punctuation, i'm not putting a lot of time into this entry.



So, I return. from the shadows of which ive been hiding in.

Lately, I cant stop thinking. It hurts. seems the only time my thoughts are quiet is when im around a specific few people. and i seem to be around them less and less. meaning my head hurts more and more.

I dont know if anything ive been doing is right. Normally i have at least some idea but when i say ive been hiding in the shadows, its a pretty accurate description, as i havent been able to see any of the implications of my choices. Aka, "in the dark"

So my head is filled with questions and possible answers but it cant settle on anything at all. It goes away if i do something, but im running out of things to do. I get lost in video games, work, wandering, even went to the club with my roommate for his birthday party type thing... it all works when im actually doing something. as soon as i stop its this overwhelming weight on me.

Whats more annoying is its all internal. its things i have to deal with myself. no one can help me with any of it, cause i cant even put it to words.

Now that im moved into a townhouse its so weird, cause its so big, and empty. i miss my old place. the people there, and having the dog around was nice too, he always poked his head in the door and looked at me inquisitively if i was home. just.. attention, at all really. I have a roommate yet i feel so alone

so im left with so much time to myself. its the first time in a long time ive stopped doing.. anything.. and its totally NOT relaxing like it seems to be for other people.. im relaxed if i have people to go have fun with or just enjoy the company of.. soon as im alone i think too much and i get twitchy from lack of fun.


I just dont know what to do. i try to decipher these thoughts. to be at peace with whatever happens. but its not easy going. I havent been calm in a week now and i think it'll be another week or more before this settles. if i survive it.
I say that because work is one hell of a bitch this week. nothing i cant handle, I am a manager now, it comes with the territory to work your ass off. just, trying to not let this get in the way of work, and vice versa.

I just need to figure out why i hate being alone.
and what i want to do with my future..
ie..
I like my job because the pay is alright and the longer i keep it, the management title helps me get other jobs...
I like edmonton because its a big city, and easy to get around, and has almost everything i need
I'm single right now, dont like that, but dont want "short term" im only interested in someone that i can count on to stick around till the end :-/
I want to do some kind of degree in school still, but dont know what

Im not sure but next summer might mean lots of changes for me. im here for at least 5 more months because of my lease but depending on where this all leads i may not be resigning. i may have to find a new place in the world to call home. It seems recently a lot has gone ways i dont like here, and im left with very few people i consider true friends here. I can always make more but friends arent the only thing im after in life.. i seek something.. and i must find it.

so, i'll put an end to my typically long journal. I may post again in a few days to try and clear my head once again

--Kai

So, first off, if you just noticed i fav'd 10 of your submissions from the last 6 months, its because i only fav things that often. i leave them in recent subs for a while because people delete things too often.


So, Yea, Once again i neglect to update here, but this time i think i have good timing..
My emotions are starting to settle from all thats been going on.

Summary:
Got very frustrated with life
Got very frustrated with my bf of 2 and almost a half years.
Said boyfriend and me broke up
Life goals and desires changed
A friend i've had for a bit and me hooked up
drama drama drama
A local friend i wish i could have been better friends with died


So, the long version

I wasn't happy with the way i was living my life.. Even now, There are some aspects that will change over time, but i cant change immediately (work for one)
I was always so easily upset, cranky, unhappy. I saw things from the bad side first and had to be convinced there was a good side to everything, and it was not easy to convince me..

Me and Chris fought a lot recently, broke up for extremely short terms, and it tore me apart more and more every time.. It was always over stupid shit, we were just always so tense with each other.. And i wanted/asked for things that im now pretty sure i dont want in life, but i desired them then as an effort to be comfortable...
We talked earlier this month and decided it was best not to keep going with that and since then he hasnt been doing too well..

I kinda figured out what i want in life at this point, and that is to enjoy it.. I dont want to sit still, i dont want to play video games all the time, i dont want to be at work all the time either.. I want someone to take care of me, but i can take care of, and not butt heads with.. Someone that wont just talk to me but will keep me from reverting to all that i used to be, a lazy antisocial shut-in.. (and i think i've found that person)

A person i met that, at first, i thought "oh, new fur, whatever" but then after he started talking i kinda couldnt help but to be around him, recently got together too.. [drama surrounding that in next paragraph] Since i got to know him i knew i wanted him as my friend for life.. his outlook on life is just so.. all there. He knows how to get through things with a smile, and enjoy himself lots too.. I Cant say that it will be forever just yet, it has been such a short time, but the connection runs very deep, and i hope thats a sign that it is forever..

Drama.. Fffff the drama. so, first person first, Chris is completely torn up by seeing me with someone else. and im torn up by seeing him unhappy.. but i did consider it right away when it ended if he needed it, to go back to him... like all the times before.. but the discussion on us ending it was final.. i couldnt do the pain anymore.. and yea i'd see him happy for a short time, then we'd just end up back the same way.. It wouldnt help either me or him in the long run
Roommates: both mine and his roomies arent too "okay" with whats going on.. Mine i try to spend as much time as i can with, because i see him as a very close friend, that may develop into a best friend scenario.. If this mess doesnt fuck that chance up.
The world.. The local community apparently doesnt like whats going on.. thinking its too soon and, even people i know that arent here think the same thing.. but i ask this of anyone who thinks that.. Why? Why is it too soon? dont people realize that the people involved are aware of how soon it is, of everything thats going on? it's been discussed and its not anyone else's business to say what should be happening between me and whoever.


And on a sad note.. Everyone in the local group here just lost a friend..
Details arent to be posted as per request by family.. but the loss of this person has a bigger impact on me than i could ever have imagined it having...
The last time i saw him he was rather upset, and didnt want to talk to me..
but he was one of the first people i met in this city, and was always there to help people, even me, when i may have needed help, he offered.
I wish i could have seen him happy again before he went, as his time came very early.. but i am told the night before he died.. he was happy. Things had been good for him for at least that day...
We will all miss him.






So, i've been doing good, but at the same time, not so good.
The good things are what keep me happy, but when i look at all thats happened.. i kind of wish it all didnt have to happen. Life is full of changes, and changes are never easy. I've been able to be happy, but at the same time, i'm not trying to hide it, but i am pretty upset over everything, i just dont think it's shown, and that may have made me appear as a jerk. I'm not trying to be, i'm just trying to sort it all out, and find the things from all this that i can learn from and


And so, i hide in silence again. Expect another big confusing journal in a few months.

Gah, on temporary static shifts. Monday - Friday 11a-7p.
I usually get to leave at 6 or 5:30 even, but Damn I'm so tired lately. Getting 7 hrs of sleep a night, should be fine...


Anyway.
Yea, i haven't updated in a bit, so here goes

Work has thrown me a lot of curve balls, i have no idea what the long term plan is anymore. I'm back to my original store, where i work till 9 if I'm closing (doesn't start till march so it's not bad yet)

I've been able to let my feelings/emotions exist for once.. without everything crumbling around me like it has in the past..

I'm actually liking just being myself again, not just the one holding things up, too worried about everything else to bother with myself.
It's really relaxing, though i have my questions, the answers will come to me when they're needed.

For now, Enjoying what ive got, till everything decides its time to change, i'm not leaving it up to myself.

Also enjoying the warm weather. It's been hovering around freezing now! not really fucking cold anymore. Few more weeks and it wont hit 0! YAYY!

Worked the entire day alone, at the downtown store, HOLY HELL that sucked. so much work to do and customers >_>

Allthough it gave me an accomplished feeling. I'm sore all over but i feel like ive done something.. havent had that in a while


Hoping the next few days of work/not work make me relax even more, i need it

So as per life, its been about the same. not a lot has changed/happened... slowly getting completely on my feet with my finances.. in march i hope to have savings! REAL SAVINGS.. not this $20 in my savings account BS.

That means my credit card will be at $0!

My teeth havent been bothering me anymore so i'm going to take advantage of that and try cleaning them more crazy like.. as in, keeping listerine in for the recommended time (i can only stand it for like 20s tops (yes, i'm a wimp)) and maybe that means the pain wont come back and i can KEEP my savings towards other stuff other than fucking expensive dentist work.

ITS SO FUCKING COLD HERE. its been warm and now its around -10c but i hope it doesnt go back to -30/40/50c... like it was in december..
I'll take my +30c now please.. is it summer yet? PLEASE?!

So,, yea, I"M GETTING BETTER AT UPDATING YAAAAYYY. perhaps i'll keep this up-- o crap i jinxed it.

expect another journal in 3+ months... XD

Well its that time again. Another year older..

Wish the day didnt start with a visit from the drama llama but thats out of my control...

Pretty upset over the way things are going in life right now. hoping this day makes it better, even if its just a 1 day vacation. I need it, im getting ripped apart by emotions and crap.

Still miss the crap out of my friends back in Newfoundland. they made my last birthday there amazing.. I'll never forget it. Miss you andy, ken, chris (cant remember how to do icon links)

So, 22.. Yep. getting old, feeling like im grinding my wheels still. like whenever i accomplish something it isnt worth anything.. getting nowhere. hope this year something happens so i can feel like im doing something.
I mean, i moved to edmonton in 09 but it feels like im now not in a rut, now now on the icy hill thats after it or something, sliding in place.

I want shit to go better is all, seems like whenever theres a good thing something else goes on that cancels it out... I hope ive made the right decisions and things get better :<

Sorry for the emo birthday journal.. i may have a better one at the end of the day

So, first christmas in a new city, new side of the country, and an amazing mate..

First off, it gets DAMN COLD HERE. -45c one day last week, plus a bit of windchill. for you americanites thats -49f.

So far it hasnt seemed very christmass-y due to stress, work, plans being up in the air.. but now stress is subsiding, i have my weekend off from work, and plans are final. Not to mention theres finally a tree! going to try to get it set up today.

In comparison to last christmas, i have to say its not quite as nice. I do miss my friends back in St. John's .. and even my old roomie. They made last christmas what it was... This year having only been here a year, and not having made many friends yet, I kind of have to work a little harder to get an awesome Christmas.

Though me and Chris have made some awesome friends, its still not the guys from back home, maybe with time :P

So yea, christmas for me isnt so much about gifts, or religion, its about spending time with the people you hold close to you. The gifts are awesome though :P no comment on religion's play in christmas as it doesnt have one for me.

Hmm what else.. New years resolution? i want to be all geeky and say 1440x900 or something like that, but a) thats my current resolution, and b) just a little too nerdy for me lately
This year i think i have a real resolution to make
Become less stressed, and care less about things out of my control
extra add-on resolutions:
Relax more but take on more decisions instead of pushing them off onto my mate
Show my mate how much i love him even more <3


Other than that, i think theres not much to update. as per my disclaimer, i tend to neglect updating on this, but im always on here.
Been doing good, work seems to be screwing a few of us over a bit and i hope that stops after christmas. Myself i'm still being tossed from one store to another, but now they want to keep me at city centre, which i dont like much but i think it's a step towards management. the instant i find out they have no intentions of this, they will know how pissed i am.

I'll try to update again before the end of 2009, and what a crazy year it has been

Jaa ne
-Kai

TL;DR

So,

No clue wether it's H1N1 or regular flu, apparently theyre the same severity on their own, and if your "otherwise healthy" like, no lung/respiratory conditions for instance, you'll survive it pretty easily...

So she asked me a bunch of questions at first and then told me this, and said if it gets worse not better from this point then come back. but i should see it get progressively better.. which i have. its just now my coughing is worse and things that go along with that. so she gave me a prescription for something to gargle and it will numb my throat to at least save me some mysery.

Other than that i've been told rest is a must, and i shouldnt work while i have the fever and cough because thats when im most contagous. once the fever goes away, my cough will be much less risky to other people.

They told me at the desk to go next door and fill my prescription right away, so i tried, the bastards close at 9. it was 8:50, doors were locked, lights mostly off and no one there >:( Annoyed about that but i'll just go tomorrow, and bitch at them for that.

Told my manager what the doctor said about working, and he said "As a manager, i say get the rest and feel better. As _name here_ i say PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME ALONE" i lol'd then coughed on my laugh.

So hopefully the fevers stop soon, at least as of tomorrow i wont have throat pain anymore YAY ^^. just getting really annoyed with coughing, throat hurting from that, my nose being clogged, voice being scratchy.. Ok, yea, I REALLY HATE BEING SICK. you get the point, i'll stop now.

Damnit

I HATE getting sick. i only get sick once a year usually...

I've been sick now since tuesday. fevers, chills, coughing lots and lots, you name it ive got it.

i figured it was just my yearly cold, but worse, cause im in a dryer environment than im used to, but it keeps coming and going now so i definatly have a full blown flu. i've had to leave work early now every day since i got sick, today forcing my manager to work an extended shift on a friday night cause i was supposed to close..

I'm going to the doctor in a little bit to make sure its not H1N1 / Swine flu , cause starting today im really getting a fluid buildup in my lungs, and its starting to worry me.

I dont want to be sick anymore :<

Bla-fucking-arg

cranky semi-emo journal tiem

So, yea, ive been on the roller coaster of life lately, good times are really good, not so good times are.. not so good

my mind is fucking itself over right now on trying to figure out what direction to go in life. be it career, schooling, you name it.

plus theres a lot going on in some of my friends lives, and i live waay waaay to far away to be involved. and that bugs the crap out of me. wish i could help.

plus theres the crushing fact that im still not totally on my feet. im just, most of the way there.
such as i still have way too much debt for my liking. and i waste a fair bit of money, trying to break myself of that. as i dont have much to waste, but it still gets wasted.

i'm back to not knowing where im going or what im doing, i was only able to hold it in for so long, in the case a few weeks. i'm still trying to make the best of what ive got, but my dizzyness about life is back in full force.
i just need to be careful not to stumble too much like i did before.

Sigh. so, i guess this is me. till things get completely settled. OH wait, that'll never happen

Fuck.
Oh well. living life as it is. seeing what it gives me.

--Kai

So yea, finally getting out there and doing more stuff..
That's kinda been what's keeping me going lately

So much has happened in the last 3 weeks it's crazy.
Today i got dizzy on a bus, it was kinda fun but made me feel all funny in a deeper way. Basically it was an express route and the guy was speeding ( i think )..
So yea the entire city wizzed by in a blur. Now I'm kinda coming to my senses that HOLY FUCK I'M IN EDMONTON..

Guess it comes with the fact that i'm settling in. instead of living with my mate in the same bedroom i have my own now.

So with all the details of exactly what <drama> has happened in the last 3 weeks left out.. I'm no longer confused about life and shit, now i realize its just best to go on and see what happens. HUGE weight off my shoulders.. unfortunately getting to this point <drama> has happened and i want that part to end. I want everything to go back to normal but me still feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders :<

A good friend today said simply "Thats life, Kai"... Bastard is so full of awesomeness. made me smile even in the pain of whats all going on.
So yea, lifes fucked. trying to put it together again. I wanna make this better than ive ever had before. Just deciding where to begin...

PS.
Someone comment god damnit x.x i doubt people actually read these sometimes....

Lawl, i finally got a chance to go to the swim weekly furmeet here in edmonton, had soo much fun

Not only have i not been swimming in over 2 maybe 3 years... But i've also only known a few furries in person, and only 1 here in edmonton (Guys back home, i miss you <3)
So yea, i had SO much fun yesterday.
Went to see Surrogates, AWESOME MOVIE EVERYONE MUST GO SEE IT.
Then drove around with  tehcrimsonfox for a bit, went to the pool, met some awesome people, then went to Humpty's for food with most of them.

Despite not getting sleep till 4:30 or later, it was awesome. I hope to do it all again as often as i can.
Sucks though, cause sometimes getting a ride back may be difficult.. living on the west end and relying on buses doesnt work at 2-3 am... :< I need a car, but it will be more than a year for that. Need license/permit.



Finally sat down and cleaned out my FA messages again, i have a habbit of liking everything, and leaving in submissions instead of favoriting, making a list of 200+ submissions, then i go fave all the ones i like at once... Teehee.

Summer in edmonton has been weird. the temperature is all crazy. gets hot then cold then the forecast will say it will be 30 or so for the next week, then the next day it will drop to 10 (all these are Celsius for you Fahrenheit-ers)
its soo odd.

Anywho
update tiem

So, work is good, starting management training soon so when a manager leaves i'll literally be next in line in this city, no one else is training for it yet.. not in my dealership anyway.

Finally made another friend.. she works in the next store over from mine, she's awesome, she's nearly lost a job once from playing Halo too much XD me her and chris are hanging out tomorrow then going to see district 9

so i'm starting to do better here. work has been the easy part, living, not so much. i've only just now come to feel this house as home. and i'm still short on friends.. things to do, etc. it just hasnt bothered me too much because i havent had much time to do stuff anyway.

Not much else to say right now i guess..