well another year older this month and life still just going nowhere. insomnia still here on top of not wanting to sleep.

Why dose it always so much esayer for other people to have a decent life? why is it i'm always haveing to strugle just to get to bed and to wake up?

just so dam tierd of life. not many ways for my life to get worse. if hell exsists i cant see it beeing worse then my life at this point. bout the only thing keeping me alive i feel is my computer games and not wanting to acualy die. so dam hard for me to get out and do stuff always so dam afraid to be with people and always feeling like i'm not worth anything. not many places for me to vent if this helps i'm not sure. nothing ever feels like worth doing just stuck in this loop of hell. i start to feel somwhat better then bam right back to feeling like shit just before i feel like doing anything. on top of that just so hard to keep a good feeling this time of year.

i "know" that there are probably people worse off in a lot of ways but at least they have an idea what they want in life even when its unfesable to obtain it. at my point in life just liveing day to day no path just mindless wondering and fear of being around others. just so dam insignificant. and very few people in my life that acualy seem to support me. always feeling like i'm attempting to help others but gotten to the point were the good feeling that come from it just never seem to pay off in any long term way. life is rather a void were i try to fill with something good or happy just seems to just end up draining away in the next few minuts. life just hard for me to grab on to anything in this lousy contry any more. in the world of jobd i ether nedd less then i have or more no one wants to help those who have more then then uneducated or less then a collage lvl degree. they either want you to know a lot so they can use you or not enough so they can walk al over you.

life is just so dam anoying and the way things are going in the world i'd welcome a war just so i can get a job o thin out the world enough to where people acualy matter again.

i'm just in the area were my mood is rather drained and nothing sounds good. and there i go again exsplaneing what i'm saying. :|

Well life goes and little change has improved my life a bit. got away from my stressful mother and now i am basically a glorified chofer my grandmother, who is rather stubborn and rather annoying in other ways. mostly its about stuff that i get that she complains about her not liking that i get for myself. she is rather opinionated and stubborn, and not the "set in your ways type".

still no job even though i need one in a few ways to get the stuff i want i'm covered, how ever limited, in the stuff i need thanks to S.N.A.P. (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) or what was called food stamps in the past. America is in dire need of change in so may areas.

But then again its another Christmas another time of year to feel even less useful and worthless and other negative emotions along with the feeling Poor like always.

hate dipretion always feeling restless but no energy to do anything. not to mention the stress one feels epecaly whe nyou have people that keep telling ya that "i dont see how you could be stressed while siting around all day' waiting and checking up job aplacations. the time i do get energy of any kind i cant seem to do anything with it.

just so god damed stressed and tierd of beng contently on edge that i forgot somthing or always waiting for shit to hit the fan or the like.

i've been getting to the point were i dont even care about my health. haveing teeth go bad and blood presher being very high were they dont dare attempte to get teeth that would be better removed and get this god dam pain out that i always have. getting to the point were i can just ignore it or even use it to remind myself that i'm still alive kinda feeling.

life is just lousy and dosnt look like it getting any better soon even on meds. i get on meds then i start to feel better then i get to the point were all i see in my life is just more the same shit no matter how i look at it. i think about what it would be like with me gone but thankfuly my disier to live is still quite a bit stronger then wanting to go though with it.

wouldn't surprise me if i have an addiction to my computer and that it's one of the things keeping me from thinking about killing my self and probably one of the things keeping me as happy as i can get.

just so dam hard to do shit when you have no drive and haveing angziaty al the time. always feeling like something is always going to pop up that you forgot or waiting for someone to bitch at ya for not haveing the drive or energy to do and they just can't or wont understand. all they see is how there life is and wonder why you dont see it that way and just get up and do something like the anser is just all in your head and dosent cause all the physical issues it dose.

i'm trying but i dont see an end in sight to how i'm feeling. dosnt help that i live 10 miles from any populated areas where i can more esaly feel that i have better acsess to things that could have a posabilaty to work. dosnt help that i'm in a catch 22 were i anve little money to get to town and i need to get to town to get a job to get mone for gas and like.

lif is lousy as always trying to get help with dipretion and angziaty as well a sleep habit that anoys my mother and she trets me like a live in servint. she dosent want to or capable of undersdtanding how i feel and never wants to hear about it. she just exspects me to live on her time schedual when i've tried on more then one time to try and ajust sleep schedual so i'm up in the morning and not wide awake at night no matter how little sleep i get.

my mother is less then supportive and less then hurting my chances to feel better. i'd move out if i had the capabilatys to do so like a job. another source of stress for me. i just have stress over stress in my life and little relese. exsersie help but only a small amount so i don't do it as often as i should. life is just a pit of dissapointment and stress with no light in any direction that i can see.

little support here and less then optimal environment to conducive job possibilities. takes 5 usd to get to town and back. lousy econ and the god damed big businesses that need to get out of polaticts. go here to help
https://www.wolf-pack.com

life stnks worse then Real Life road kill skunk on a hot day.

my life is going no were and to top that off i only have one person in my life that i can talk to about it and hes thousands of miles away. The person i live with seems to not care how i feel and only seems to care what she wants. If its wrong to hate your mother and getting tired of lissning to her blame you for pretty much every thing then i guess i'm just so far down the shit hole to care.

its one thing to look for a job and even worse that you been looking for 5 years and no one seems to even look at the application you put in and hear nothing or that "were sorry that we found some one that better fits the position you applied for." when its a dam minimum wage job at walmart or the like.

my life has been one issue after another. had to stop school to help take care of my father, then trying to start it up again when you father gets his leg amputated and have to go home for that now i dont have the money to go back nor the drive and i liveing off my mother while dealing with heavy depression and no end in site. while in the mean time feeling so low and dealing with the side effect of the depression of having anxiety attacks quite offten. i mean why is it so god dam easy for some one to feel happy and so fucking hard for me to feel like getting out of bed or even going to bed let alone feel happy.

my life just revalves around trying to feel half way decent and my mother is threting to take about the only thing that gets me out of bed and some what gets me to the point of acualy doing something cus i cant do anything up to her high standards. i dont think that it would be any more useful to modavate me when i dont realy care about much if anything, not even my own health.

if you don't beleve in global wrming then take a look at the American north-west. drought conditions and way below normal precipitation. my county just put in for emergency drought conditions. very mild winter and very little snow. if you were planing to head to any ski resorts in the area this last winter you were in bad luck and in for no fun areas.

still a stressful time as well as a time were i'm not going anywhere with my life. 4 years, no five years i believe, now where this dam economy and government still is lousy, but the government part gotten better. finally got some health insurance and still trying to find a way that makes me feel better then an apathetic and pathetic life. even where at the point where your own family keeps reminding you how your life sucks and always wishing they had there friends children.

why dose it always seem that other people have life so easy and my life has gone nowhere but down. cant even get a decent job any more in the cuntery. some time i just want to go out and shoot all the god dam greedy CEO and like that dont even think of there employees where they're making tens of millions a year and bitching there not getting paid enough were the middle/lower/poor class make less every year.

Well another lonely Holiday and lousy day in the life of a page of hell.

Life just stinks nothing much to say on that point. my life still stagnates like it always dose.

Well chistmas is surprisingly not as bad this year as last and the one before though still hate having to travel a ways to spend with my brother nephew and a rather annoying grandmother trying to unload cheap niknacs she and my grandfather collected for a few decaides or so. Kinda annoying getting stuff I've seen for quite a while and now receiving it as a cheap presents not to mention she always so opinionated and forces her point of view on to every one. Over all not as bad as was in the past.

Well i dont post much but its getting to the point that i have a lousy life or lack there of a life. it gets to the point that some times my life feels like its gone and in its place is just being alive physically and the only thing that is keeping your self alive is just instinct and the misplaced hope of a life at all. just hitting one of my low spots in my so called life, that i usually hit every few weeks. its getting hard to even see hope. i doubt I'll kill my self but if it happens to me i wouldn't complain much if at all. i like being alive but i just don't have a life i can see. been trying but just something keeps me down and in a part of my life that isn't... happening. tried getting a job for 3-4 years or so; i'm just lucky, if you can call it luck, to have a bed at my mothers and being treated as a live-in servant, the lazy assed bitch. just so hard to feel any thing positive atm or in the past few years.

ever been in a point in your life that you actually had apsalutly no clue what you wanted and i mean no damn idea at all. pretty much exsplanes my life and no one wants to see that. getting hard to the the silver lining in anything lately. just living day to day and not caring about anything or anyone. just me trying to be happier then i am when i can get it for however short time it is. been a few weeks since i did anything worth doing.

well i just not a talkative person in genral and felt like just puting something here ant to say i acualy posted something in over the year or 2 since my last

well if any one reads this and has an account on battle.net watch out cus i just got hacked today and they changed my pass and email asosheated with it to a web site in china at 126.com so change passes and sacure up as much as you can.

well i thought id just ramble a bit of of how life is going. i never really write much here so ignor if ya want, thihs might be a ltiil negative due to lack of happyness in my life At the this time,and for a good portion of my life.

well its nothing new to me that i feel the way i do right now, it's just another day in a dull meeningless time in my life were i feel i cant seem to do anything. job market is so bad right now i cant even get a job at a lowly fast faclaty or shoping mart, not that i'm saying there not good places to work at this point in time, but it just seems to me that i have a aura that says dont hire this person. i have skills that i can prove i have but its just one thing affter another in my life. but not to old of a feeling. i just seem to fell like there is nothing fun or woth while out there; and to compond the isue i feel i'm all alone but that i also want to be left alone compounded by the fact that i don't like beeing around people.

i never reely feel happy i get bouts of amusement but not happyness. main thing i'm wondering if there are people out here that seem to fell a bit of the same. there are thing out there i want to do but i never really in the mood to attempt it i'd like to draw but i dont feel like bothering with it i never really feel i have the right thing i want to use to attempt it. i would like to get some more art up but never have the drive to do it.

i just felt like to write this stuff down no need to do anything bout this just needed to get it down and i'm not any big fan of myspace and the like. never remeber to write or post on them and i find it a bit wast of time.

just me posting something never really do stuff like this. so i'll stop befor my mind wants to keep going. when it dose i go from one topic to another so i'll just stop here... i hope it will let me.

i acualy secided to go though the furs i watch and weed out some of the more inactive account i'm watching so i'm going to be going though the 1500 or so that i am watching so if ya use me to find artest im watching the list will get shorter but thats just me being me asuming ya look at it. but also i feelt that i needed to make a new jurnal as well so why not post this stuff.

Well i really hate my life atm I don't seem to find any good things to do i just seem to be stuck in my hole that i seem to want to really get out but don't feel like that i can and add to that things always seem to fall apart around me. i just wish i would get at least some acknowledgment from places i apply. it just seems that they look at my application once and dismiss it in favor for less experienced and less qualified people so they can get the experience to allow them to get a job. but for me it seems i'll probably end up having no job for another 10 years or so just living off what i can get from family.

it's just one thing i want to say I HATE MY LIFE! it always seems that nothing seems to make me happy any more.

well have ya noticed that it seems people are putting more photos of them selfes latly. I think a few photos are fine but they start getting tacky when i see 20 on one page in my watched submistions one right affter another I beleve that a photo is a little tacky if it isn't a pict of work or a artful way of showing something.

if you don't think so then that's you and not me.

[X] public speaking
[ ] staying single forever
[ ] Rejection
[X] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[X] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[ ] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] that Scary guy...
[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[X] deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[ ] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats
[X] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[X] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[X] heaven
[X] being robbed
[X] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls
[ ] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[X] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[ ] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[ ] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[ ] becoming blind
[ ] becoming deaf
[X] growing up
[ ] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[ ] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secret


Final Total: 11

If you wish to post this in your journal, it's been requested that you title it I'm afraid of __ out of 75 common fears.

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
{{{If you get 10 or less, you're fearless.}}}
People who don’t have any are liars.

i'm getting tired of religion affecting things that it has no place for it. on place is politics and science, i feel that most wars in the middle east, especially in the past. there are countless religions in the world and the main stream ones all say there they're the right and only one that will get you in heaven. i feel that religion was useful but today it tends to get in the way. of course raceisem is also to blame but i feel religion is a bigger nuisance in this day and age. this is why i'm and atheist i don't like religon. and i feel Christianity is the biggest problem people who follow so devoutly tend to be blind to some things. they can't seem to see past there narrow view of the world and see posabiltys beyond religion and a book.

well this is some thing i can go on about but i tend to go on and on on this subject. it all come down to in my views that religion was necessary for a race to evolve but needs to be down graded to the background and let fact and science take the fore front.

yet another dull and boring day for me just like all my other days and Birthdays and today is my birthday. yet another lonely and dull Birthday it will be.